three tactics for dealing with soap thieves

June 24th, 2008 · 141 comments

1. prey on their insecurities.

2. get jesus involved.

3. oh, screw it.

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FILED UNDER: bathroom · jesus · office · soap · stealing

141 responses so far ↓

#1 Super Tash

God Bless! I hope God smites you for being a disgusting thief!

Jun 24, 2008 at 9:15 am rating: +3

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#2 Sheepish

“He that stealith the soap shall be known to all as a sinner. And he that nameith the sinner and callith him out shall be known to all as an ass” Lavatories 12:5

Jun 24, 2008 at 9:18 am rating: +56

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#3 Mishee

Keep prayin’, note writer #2! I think even JESUS would steal soap. I mean, cleanliness is next to Godliness, right???

Jun 24, 2008 at 9:19 am rating: +22

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- #3.1 Sarah
  
  Jesus wouldn’t steal jelly. What makes you think soap qualifies?
  
  Jun 24, 2008 at 10:38 am rating: +6
- #3.2 Sirius
  
  Keep prayin’, note writer #2! I think even JESUS would steal soap. I mean, cleanliness is next to Godliness, right???
  
  But, as Tom Robbins pointed out, it’s been two thousand years already — if godliness hasn’t found something more interesting to be next to than cleanliness, maybe it’s time we re-evaluate our opinions about godliness
  
  Jun 25, 2008 at 12:54 am rating: +5
- #3.3 Sarah
  
  You have a point. After all, God sells cocaine.
  
  http://www.news.com.au/heraldsun/story/0,21985,23915073-5005961,00.html
  
  Jun 25, 2008 at 3:33 am rating: 0
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#4 fantasy

Bless me Father for I have sinned……

Jun 24, 2008 at 9:21 am rating: +2

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#5 Troy McClure

Soap is for enjoyment? What next? Are sticky buds going to get my hands clean?

Jun 24, 2008 at 9:22 am rating: +3

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- #5.1 Mishee
  
  No, but soap is essential when you need to wash your hands before going back into work after actually ENJOYING your sticky buds…
  
  At least for me… my thumb reeks of pot all the time.
  
  Jun 24, 2008 at 9:34 am rating: +3
- #5.2 RunBarbara
  
  I put a ferris wheel in my bathroom…you know, for enjoyment. The soap simply wasn’t fun enough.
  
  Jun 24, 2008 at 9:56 am rating: +28
- #5.3 Moonsilver
  
  My underwear reeks thanks to my husband’s “secret” stash.
  
  I installed a phone booth in my bathroom.
  
  Jun 24, 2008 at 12:28 pm rating: +1
- #5.4 wright
  
  And here I thought lube and Mishee’s momma were for enjoyment… I guess I need to get out more.
  
  Jun 24, 2008 at 2:19 pm rating: +2
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#6 claw71

Wait a second, Numer 3, you say you provide soap for everybody’s enjoyment but yet the person who gleefully absconds with the soap is called a theif and is saddled with the guilt of ruining everything. You are a hypocrite and you should know this.

Jun 24, 2008 at 9:28 am rating: +13

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- #6.1 fantasy
  
  Well you know how God and hypocrites go hand in hand.
  
  …… unclean, unclean. Oh, that is
  leprosy, not hand washing.
  
  *Salmonella, salmonella!*
  
  Jun 24, 2008 at 9:58 am rating: +3
- #6.2 RunBarbara
  
  that almost sounds like a Queen parody in the making. i started one but soon lost interest in the project.
  
  Jun 24, 2008 at 10:02 am rating: +3
- #6.3 Moonsilver
  
  ok, it sounded like fun to try it, so here goes, sung to the tune of Bohemian Rhapsody:
  
  Is this stall smelly
  Or is it just me
  Talking on cell phones
  No escape for a poop for me
  
  Please shut your mouth
  I just can’t go you seeeeeee
  While you are talking
  My sphincter’s all closed up
  It’s not an easy poo, easy go
  While you chat, on the phone
  Should I steal some soap? Doesn’t really matter, with herpes
  
  Graham, just killed a band
  Sold his soul to play the drums
  To that Casey InHuman
  Graham, you can’t audition
  But Katlama’s got gigs all over town
  Soap (Pooooo)
  Didn’t mean to steal your Dial
  But I meant to eat your ice cream and hot pockets
  As if herpes didn’t matter
  
  Jesus, how I have sinned
  Stole the air freshener too
  Now the bathroom smells like poo
  Look out everybody, I’ve got to poo
  Gotta let it out real bad in the men’s loo
  Jesus, (pooooo)
  I don’t want herpes
  I sometimes wish I’d never heard of PAN at all
  
  I see a little red ripe fruit in my hand
  Tomato, tomato will you make me barf and shit?
  Thunderous gas and fever, very, very frightening me
  
  Salmonella, Salmonella
  Salmonella, Salmonella
  Salmonella tomatoes, I’ve got to goooooo
  
  I’ve stolen ice cream in the name of herpes
  She’s been disfigured because she’s a thief
  Pray for her soul and she might get to pee
  I’ve stolen windex and will not let it go
  Let it go! Moonsilver will not let it go
  Let it go! Moonsilver will not let it go
  She will not let it go
  Will not let it go
  Will not let it go
  Oh diarrhea, diarrhea, diarrhea let it go
  Beelzebub has a devil put aside for mishee
  For mishee
  For mishee
  
  So you think you can steal our soap from on high
  So you think you’ll infect our tomato supply
  
  Ohhh, Casey
  She wouldn’t give me the key
  Just gotta get out
  Just gotta get soap out of here
  
  If you have a big job
  Anyone can pee
  But throw up in the trash can
  Throw up in the trash can
  Thanks Sandeeeeeee
  
  Sickening tomatoes
  
  Jun 24, 2008 at 3:47 pm rating: +23
- #6.4 Quite Contrary
  
  Please, please, please come to hell with us!
  
  Jun 24, 2008 at 3:51 pm rating: 0
- #6.5 Sheepish
  
  Moonsilver. That is AMAZING!
  Bravo!
  
  Jun 24, 2008 at 4:12 pm rating: 0
- #6.6 zombieBlanco
  
  ♥ Moonsilver
  
  bravo! absolutely phenomenal!
  
  Jun 24, 2008 at 8:17 pm rating: 0
- #6.7 secondsout
  
  This is one of the best song parodies I’ve ever seen on these threads. Well done, Moonsilver. I hope you post more.
  
  Jun 24, 2008 at 9:13 pm rating: 0
- #6.8 bellabeastie
  
  Spot on Perfect !! Rock ON — maybe would you save me an itty bitty beastie spot in hell with y’all.
  
  I’ll bring the toilet paper and soap. And the
  Mama Mia soundtrack. Just for fun.
  
  LOL….
  
  Jesus jelly and booze iz on U.
  
  Jun 24, 2008 at 10:34 pm rating: 0
- #6.9 Moonsilver
  
  Thanks everyone. I don’t think I’ve ever had a nicer welcome than this invitation to hell. I guess we’ll need a bigger basket.
  
  Jun 25, 2008 at 8:49 am rating: +1
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#7 Kev Orng

“Oh Jesus, somebody keeps stealing my soap!”

“Cry me a river, sweetie, I’m nailed to a fucking tree!”

Jun 24, 2008 at 9:32 am rating: +39

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#8 zchamu

1 and 2 are Passive Aggressive. 3 is just plain aggressive. I am surprised they finished that note without saying “die in a fire”.

Jun 24, 2008 at 9:33 am rating: +7

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- #8.1 Joe
  
  If you cross-breed note 2 with note 3, you would get “die in hell-fire.” Close enough, methinks.
  
  Jun 24, 2008 at 9:36 am rating: +8
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#9 Voca Popula

I have this vision of a bunch of non-soap-stealers standing on a street corner, with packs of cigarettes rolled up in their sleeves and the collars of their jean jackets turned up.

“Hey, Frankie, what are we gonna do tonight, huh?”

“Alright, listen up, guys. We’re gonna hang out, shoot some pool, and avoid stealing soap.”

Jun 24, 2008 at 9:34 am rating: +8

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#10 unholyghost2003

#’s 2 & 3 seem to be in dorms or office buildings. Why not just let building services do their job? I mean #2, why are you buying cleaning products for a public bathroom? Not your freakin’ job. If you are so OCD that you have to scrub the bathroom yourself you should keep your cleaning products and your crazy to yourself!

Jun 24, 2008 at 9:36 am rating: +2

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#11 KittyKat

I’m a thief?! Thank God! Here I thought the mountain of stolen soap in my bedroom pointed to a severe psychological disorder when in reality it just points to my lack of morals. Whew!

Jun 24, 2008 at 9:48 am rating: +11

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#12 RunBarbara

I didn’t even want to steal the soap until they put that neat note on it! I don’t have soap with a note at home and now, by way of their actions, I must have it!

Jun 24, 2008 at 9:55 am rating: +8

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- #12.1 fantasy
  
  …..more impressive than say “Crabtree and Evelyn”?
  
  Jun 24, 2008 at 10:11 am rating: +2
- #12.2 secondsout
  
  Screw the soap. I just want to steal note #2. That self-righteous bunch of shit is hilarious!
  
  Jun 24, 2008 at 12:06 pm rating: +2
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#13 claw71

God: Jesus! Get in here.

Jesus: What’s cracking, Pops?

God: When you were walking the Earth spreading the Word of Me, did you explain how praying works to people?

Jesus: Umm…yeah…sort of…I guess

God: Jeee-SUS?

Jesus: OK, I might have missed that part, but I told them about turning the other cheek, and…ummm…I threw merchants out of the temple…and, and….

God: You turned water into wine, didn’t you?

Jesus: ummmm

God: DIDN”T YOU?!?

Jesus: OK, yeah I turned water into wine. I even walked on water. And I hooked up with a whore too. What did you expect? You sent me to the desert for a month with no food or water so I could come back and get crucified. So, yeah, I forgot to tell people about praying. What’s the big deal?

God: Well, look at this idiot praying for their soap.

Jesus: Dude, that’s fucked up

Jun 24, 2008 at 9:56 am rating: +58

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- #13.1 Sheepish
  
  as a side note to your comment Claw, i would like to recommend a book to everyone who enjoys blasphemy.
  “Lamb, The Gospel According to Biff, Christ’s Childhood Pal” by Christopher Moore.
  
  Jun 24, 2008 at 10:01 am rating: +8
- #13.2 RunBarbara
  
  claw, i would also recommend moving to a hot climate so you will be prepared for the flames in hell.
  
  Jun 24, 2008 at 10:03 am rating: +7
- #13.3 Mishee
  
  at least claw didn’t refer to our Savior as Jeezy Creezy
  
  Jun 24, 2008 at 10:12 am rating: +4
- #13.4 fantasy
  
  …sad but true there is also a book, “The gospel according to Starbucks”.
  
  Jun 24, 2008 at 10:15 am rating: +1
- #13.5 Mishee
  
  fan - what about this:
  A “Good Book”
  
  Jun 24, 2008 at 10:19 am rating: +1
- #13.6 fantasy
  
  Mishee, I cannot imagine how they could simplify the old testament.
  
  I mean has anyone really read all of “Numbers”?
  
  Jun 24, 2008 at 10:22 am rating: +3
- #13.7 Mishee
  
  Well, fan, they can certainly condense it !! Saves on reading time!!
  
  Jun 24, 2008 at 10:25 am rating: +1
- #13.8 claw71
  
  I’ve embraced my damnation and I’ll be sure to check out “Biff”, but I think it’s important to note that many of you will be joining me. Which is what I expected because everybody knows the really cool people are going to hell.
  
  Jun 24, 2008 at 10:25 am rating: +7
- #13.9 Mishee
  
  claw! you can jump into our handbasket, it’s stocked and ready for the road trip!
  
  I know quite a few of us are definitely going! I mean, I was making fun at the expense of Anne Frank yesterday… I am soooooo going! And I will even give you shotgun! (RB is gonna be in the back making out with sout anyways)
  
  Jun 24, 2008 at 10:28 am rating: +2
- #13.10 anglophile
  
  There’s a spot for you in the handbasket Mishee, Quite Contrary and I are taking to Hell, claw. We have jelly packets and booze.
  
  OK, should have know that little beeyotch Mishee would beat me too this.
  
  Jun 24, 2008 at 10:33 am rating: +4
- #13.11 Canthz_B
  
  I couldn’t be around yesterday to honor George Carlin and I’m still too out of it to link a youtube of him, but Carlin had some interesting things to say about praying for what you want vs. God’s Divine Plan.
  
  Ever consider that the stolen soap is part of God’s plan? Maybe it is being used to help the homeless.
  
  Jun 24, 2008 at 11:14 am rating: +3
- #13.12 KittyKat
  
  The great unwashed masses?
  
  Jun 24, 2008 at 11:28 am rating: +4
- #13.13 Mishee
  
  CB - this is for you
  
  The whole religion bit including prayer…
  
  He even mentions someone defecating in a mall… I wonder if he was the guy in the next stall!! HAHA!
  
  Jun 24, 2008 at 11:39 am rating: 0
- #13.14 secondsout
  
  On the subject of condensing books, I agree. Who has time to read anymore? I recommend Book a Minute.
  
  Jun 24, 2008 at 12:16 pm rating: 0
- #13.15 Canthz_B
  
  The Bible is already condensed…see the Dead Sea Scrolls for some material that was left out.
  
  Jun 24, 2008 at 12:31 pm rating: 0
- #13.16 Bunnee
  
  Is there room for me in the handbasket? This made me think of “Lucy, the Daughter of the Devil” and the song, “All the people holding hands, holding hands, holding hands. Makes me want to wash my hands, dirty hands, dirty hands.”
  
  Jun 24, 2008 at 12:49 pm rating: +2
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#14 Bev

hmm,

This sounds like a perfect Thx Sandra note.

Anyone?

My talents aren’t good enough to keep up with you guys. You guys ROCK!

Jun 24, 2008 at 10:06 am rating: 0

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#15 kalafudra

It’s also obvious that people who steal soap are no humans anymore… at least for note-writer #3.
“To whomever [ouch] it is _that_ is stealing the soap…”

Jun 24, 2008 at 10:09 am rating: +1

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- #15.1 Sue Do Nim
  
  Ouch is right! Whomever wrote that should be shot.
  
  Jun 24, 2008 at 2:23 pm rating: 0
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#16 Lurker

Is that the 8th floor of a church? And do you need special Windex for stained glass?

Or maybe it’s a typo and she meant to write “I Spray.”

Jun 24, 2008 at 10:16 am rating: 0

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- #16.1 bellabeastie
  
  But it’s the 8th floor Back Bathroom.
  
  You know, where they keep all the dirty dishes and that’s why they need the soap, duh.
  
  Please leave your keys and the soap on the stairs with a current contact number or St. Airwell will take your name off the list for the annual Parish Mongolian BBQ.
  
  THX
  SANDRA
  
  Jun 24, 2008 at 11:38 am rating: +10
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#17 Quite Contrary

Dear Pious Prayer Person (that’s you #2): God bless you. However, I’m a little concerned that someone who clearly believes in power of prayer, would pray that someone doesn’t steal cleaning supplies. Aren’t there some other things a little higher on the universal prayer list? Oh, for example, no hunger in the world, peace in the Middle East, or the Cubs winning the world series?

All the best,
Soulless

PS The cross was a *really* nice touch. Did you borrow the clip art from my mom?

Jun 24, 2008 at 10:21 am rating: +6

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- #17.1 unholyghost2003
  
  Rather than pray that someone doesn’t steal the soap, would it not be more pious to pray FOR the soap thief?
  
  Jun 24, 2008 at 10:27 am rating: +3
- #17.2 Lurker
  
  Or just pray that the bathroom stays clean by itself.
  
  Jun 24, 2008 at 10:41 am rating: +4
- #17.3 park rose
  
  It’s not just a cross, is it? Isn’t it a clipart of the type of monument you find in a graveyard? I think it’s a warning. I PRAY no one steals this hydrochloric acid… (the notewriter put up the signs as a cunning kind of reverse pscychology - of course people will use and steal the ’soap’, and anything that happens to them is just desserts and will be chalked up to divine retribution).
  
  Jun 24, 2008 at 10:42 am rating: +7
- #17.4 park rose
  
  psychology…it’s late where I am!
  
  Jun 24, 2008 at 10:54 am rating: +1
- #17.5 octavius
  
  You’re right, that is a gravestone. Which makes this a death threat from a religious maniac. Call Homeland Security!
  
  Jun 24, 2008 at 12:52 pm rating: +2
- #17.6 RunBarbara
  
  QC, i borrowed something from your mom…its long, black and smells like fresh rubber. Let her know I’ve decided to name it “the punisher”. My uterus has never been the same.
  
  Jun 24, 2008 at 11:38 pm rating: +1
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#18 Kev Orng

What happens if someone DROPS the soap?

Jun 24, 2008 at 10:21 am rating: +1

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- #18.1 Mishee
  
  It’s liquid hand soap. I assume the container would probably crack open and there would be soapy messy goo all over the floor. Then you would have to go get a towel to clean it…. God, do I have to spell it all out for you?? Were you raised by wolves???
  
  Jun 24, 2008 at 10:23 am rating: +6
- #18.2 fantasy
  
  Of course someone could see the image of Jesus in it and make it into a shrine, sell tickets to go into the bathroom and see the miracle .
  
  Which would really suck if you had to go really bad!
  
  Jun 24, 2008 at 10:27 am rating: +7
- #18.3 Mishee
  
  fan - I, too, know what’s it like to have to go “real bad”…
  
  LOL
  
  Jun 24, 2008 at 10:31 am rating: +1
- #18.4 wright
  
  Mishee, trust me on this: dropping your soap if you’re part of a wolf pack is NOT a good thing.
  
  Because then you have to bend over to clean it up… and then the Alpha wolf grabs you by the scruff of your neck, pins your hind legs with his, and snarls in your ear, “Howl like a PA poodle for me, punk!!”
  
  … So I’ve been told.
  
  Jun 24, 2008 at 2:37 pm rating: +2
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#19 Sarah

Inspired by/ripped off from Kristin Hersh’s Twitter:

8th Floor Back Bathroom - jam band or not jam band?

Jun 24, 2008 at 10:39 am rating: +3

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#20 bellabeastie

Then you gotta get the key from Casey in Human Resources.

Let’s hope she’s not under her desk or something… ;0

Jun 24, 2008 at 10:41 am rating: +1

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#21

painfully polite and hilariously hostile writings from shared spaces the world over

three tactics for dealing with soap thieves

June 24th, 2008 · 141 comments

141 responses so far ↓