1. Prey on their insecurities.
2. Get Jesus involved.
3. Oh, screw it.
related: Maybe you should switch to body wash?
Three tactics for dealing with soap thieves
June 24th, 2008 · 142 comments
FILED UNDER: bathroom · irregular capitalization · Jesus · office · soap · stealing
142 responses so far ↓
#1
Super Tash
God Bless! I hope God smites you for being a disgusting thief!
Jun 24, 2008 at 9:15 am rating: 5
#2
Sheepish
“He that stealith the soap shall be known to all as a sinner. And he that nameith the sinner and callith him out shall be known to all as an ass” Lavatories 12:5
Jun 24, 2008 at 9:18 am rating: 65
#3
Mishee
Keep prayin’, note writer #2! I think even JESUS would steal soap. I mean, cleanliness is next to Godliness, right???
Jun 24, 2008 at 9:19 am rating: 22
#4
fantasy
Bless me Father for I have sinned……
Jun 24, 2008 at 9:21 am rating: 3
#5
Troy McClure
Soap is for enjoyment? What next? Are sticky buds going to get my hands clean?
Jun 24, 2008 at 9:22 am rating: 4
#6
claw71
Wait a second, Numer 3, you say you provide soap for everybody’s enjoyment but yet the person who gleefully absconds with the soap is called a theif and is saddled with the guilt of ruining everything. You are a hypocrite and you should know this.
Jun 24, 2008 at 9:28 am rating: 14
#7
Kev Orng
“Oh Jesus, somebody keeps stealing my soap!”
“Cry me a river, sweetie, I’m nailed to a fucking tree!”
Jun 24, 2008 at 9:32 am rating: 42
#8
zchamu
1 and 2 are Passive Aggressive. 3 is just plain aggressive. I am surprised they finished that note without saying “die in a fire”.
Jun 24, 2008 at 9:33 am rating: 8
#9
Voca Popula
I have this vision of a bunch of non-soap-stealers standing on a street corner, with packs of cigarettes rolled up in their sleeves and the collars of their jean jackets turned up.
“Hey, Frankie, what are we gonna do tonight, huh?”
“Alright, listen up, guys. We’re gonna hang out, shoot some pool, and avoid stealing soap.”
Jun 24, 2008 at 9:34 am rating: 8
#10
unholyghost2003
#’s 2 & 3 seem to be in dorms or office buildings. Why not just let building services do their job? I mean #2, why are you buying cleaning products for a public bathroom? Not your freakin’ job. If you are so OCD that you have to scrub the bathroom yourself you should keep your cleaning products and your crazy to yourself!
Jun 24, 2008 at 9:36 am rating: 2
#11
KittyKat
I’m a thief?! Thank God! Here I thought the mountain of stolen soap in my bedroom pointed to a severe psychological disorder when in reality it just points to my lack of morals. Whew!
Jun 24, 2008 at 9:48 am rating: 12
#12
RunBarbara
I didn’t even want to steal the soap until they put that neat note on it! I don’t have soap with a note at home and now, by way of their actions, I must have it!
Jun 24, 2008 at 9:55 am rating: 8
#13
claw71
God: Jesus! Get in here.
Jesus: What’s cracking, Pops?
God: When you were walking the Earth spreading the Word of Me, did you explain how praying works to people?
Jesus: Umm…yeah…sort of…I guess
God: Jeee-SUS?
Jesus: OK, I might have missed that part, but I told them about turning the other cheek, and…ummm…I threw merchants out of the temple…and, and….
God: You turned water into wine, didn’t you?
Jesus: ummmm
God: DIDN”T YOU?!?
Jesus: OK, yeah I turned water into wine. I even walked on water. And I hooked up with a whore too. What did you expect? You sent me to the desert for a month with no food or water so I could come back and get crucified. So, yeah, I forgot to tell people about praying. What’s the big deal?
God: Well, look at this idiot praying for their soap.
Jesus: Dude, that’s fucked up
Jun 24, 2008 at 9:56 am rating: 60
#14
Bev
hmm,
This sounds like a perfect Thx Sandra note.
Anyone?
My talents aren’t good enough to keep up with you guys. You guys ROCK!
Jun 24, 2008 at 10:06 am rating: 0
#15
kalafudra
It’s also obvious that people who steal soap are no humans anymore… at least for note-writer #3.
“To whomever [ouch] it is _that_ is stealing the soap…”
Jun 24, 2008 at 10:09 am rating: 1
#16
Lurker
Is that the 8th floor of a church? And do you need special Windex for stained glass?
Or maybe it’s a typo and she meant to write “I Spray.”
Jun 24, 2008 at 10:16 am rating: 0
#17
Quite Contrary
Dear Pious Prayer Person (that’s you #2): God bless you. However, I’m a little concerned that someone who clearly believes in power of prayer, would pray that someone doesn’t steal cleaning supplies. Aren’t there some other things a little higher on the universal prayer list? Oh, for example, no hunger in the world, peace in the Middle East, or the Cubs winning the world series?
All the best,
Soulless
PS The cross was a *really* nice touch. Did you borrow the clip art from my mom?
Jun 24, 2008 at 10:21 am rating: 6
#18
Kev Orng
What happens if someone DROPS the soap?
Jun 24, 2008 at 10:21 am rating: 1
#19
Sarah
Inspired by/ripped off from Kristin Hersh’s Twitter:
8th Floor Back Bathroom – jam band or not jam band?
Jun 24, 2008 at 10:39 am rating: 3
#20
bellabeastie
Then you gotta get the key from Casey in Human Resources.
Let’s hope she’s not under her desk or something… ;0
Jun 24, 2008 at 10:41 am rating: 1
#21
Canthz_B
I didn’t steal your damned soap!
I prayed that God may provide me with a fresh supply and when I walked into this rest room I found that my prayer had been answered!
Jun 24, 2008 at 11:05 am rating: 17
#22
Bikerbabee
I guess they needed to wash the dishes, before leaving the keys on the stairs.
Jun 24, 2008 at 11:17 am rating: 2
#23
unholyghost2003
Am I the only one who thinks it is awesome that the Blogher ad network ad keeps playing the Henry the Hippo ad? BTW if the soap in the bathroom was Henry the Hippo soap with its blinking 20 sec timer … I would TOTALLY steal it and not feel guilty at all. That stuff looks SO FREAKING COOL!
Jun 24, 2008 at 11:26 am rating: 2
#24
KittyKat
Stealing soap is NOT cool – it’s hot! Call me, baby, you dirty, dirty soap thief.
Jun 24, 2008 at 11:33 am rating: 3
#25
Quite Contrary
I thought soap was left out to be used by those sharing the space. When the bottle is empty, it is disposed of. Perhaps the bottles are “missing” because they were empty and thrown away.
Or, perhaps I can start praying for a better understanding of the dilemma so I can be more sympathetic.
Jun 24, 2008 at 11:38 am rating: 1
#26
Rumblefish
The toiletries from the second picture are obviously from the Pope’s bathroom.
Jun 24, 2008 at 12:02 pm rating: 3
#27
Mishee
OMG – I just REALLY looked and it’s not even soap in note #2! Windex and air freshener…
Well, that’s a little different then…
Jun 24, 2008 at 12:10 pm rating: 0
#28
Sheepish
“Nobody’s perfect… Well, there was this one guy, but we killed him.”
~The Romans
Jun 24, 2008 at 1:08 pm rating: 17
#29
se
NOTICE TO SOAP THIEF
That last bottle of nice white liquid soap that you stole?
It wasn’t SOAP.
HAHAHAHA
Jun 24, 2008 at 2:28 pm rating: 11
#30
claw71
To the tune of “Jesus is Just All Right”…you can choose the Byrds or the Doobies. I’m partial to the Doobie Brothers myself. So is Mishee.
Doo Doo doo doo doo doo doo doo
doo doo doo doo doo doo doo do
Jesus will watch my soap for me
Jesus will watch my soap, oh yeah
Jesus will watch my soap for me
Jesus will watch my soap
I don’t care for dirt you know
I don’t care for grime it’s gross
I don’t care for missing soap
Jesus will watch my soap, oh yeah
Jesus will watch my soap.
Don’t try to take my suds away
It’s not a cool thing to do
You’re a theif that’s what we’ll say
Jesus will watch my soap for me
Jesus will watch my soap.
Jun 24, 2008 at 2:42 pm rating: 3
#31
Miss Grace
Not just this post, but all the posts on this site:
I don’t understand where you find the time to put so much effort into the MAKING of the snarky notes. The half-crazed scrawls are at least quickly done. I think if I was willing to invest the time in typing shit out and inserting clipart, I would skip it and just yell at somebody.
Which I guess is why I don’t make weird notes…
Jun 24, 2008 at 3:10 pm rating: 1
#32
Canthz_B
Stealing soap is not a fond murmur.
Jun 24, 2008 at 4:40 pm rating: 0
#33
vivitop
Stealing soap IS cool
Jun 24, 2008 at 4:41 pm rating: 0
#34
xindi
God forbid people use soap regularly and promote everyone’s general well-being. That would be disgusting. Soap Thief must die.
Jun 24, 2008 at 4:47 pm rating: 0
#35
secondsout
Maybe the soap isn’t stolen. Maybe it was just used really quickly. As in, this is the bathroom for the obsessive-compulsive, and they have been obsessively washing their hands so much that the soap is just gone. Now it’s your fault, shitty hospital, for not supplying enough soap or windex or whatever’s in note #2.
Jun 24, 2008 at 5:14 pm rating: 0
#36
WPoFD
Shouldn’t be too hard to find the soap thief after a few days…
Jun 24, 2008 at 6:47 pm rating: 0
#37
cricket
er…if you’re calling him/her a ‘soap thief’, I think the fact that they steal is pretty much a given.
Jun 24, 2008 at 7:34 pm rating: 0
#38
snee
that soap was fucking delicious!
(i know, i know–so last week…)
Jun 25, 2008 at 12:13 am rating: 0
#39
Crash
Note #3
I wonder what their doing with the soap…
Shouldn’t they have some sanitizer…for the soap…after that ?
Maybe the thief was from the Health Department
Jun 25, 2008 at 1:12 am rating: 0
#40
Ryan
Recommendation: You should put some chains and a lock on that soap then mock the soap thief with signs – laughing at their inability to steal the lathery goodness.
Also, I recommend writing the sign so that it portrays the numerous vandals as one diligent but inept soap thief (who keeps trying again and again to steal the soap) to really strike at their black heart.
Jun 25, 2008 at 10:57 am rating: 0
#41
TC
I am pretty sure there is something in Deuteronomy about coveting thy’s Softsoap.
Jun 25, 2008 at 2:15 pm rating: 2
#42
Bright Idea
If you really don’t want people to use your precious liquid soap, your passive-aggressive sign should say: “Dear Sharer of My Soap: I hope you have been enjoying my soap. You might notice that over the past three days your skin has become softer in feel and brighter in tone. That is because my boyfriend has been masturbating into the bottle. Keep enjoying his spooge (as have I). Sincerely, Spunky Brewster”
That should take care of things.
Jun 26, 2008 at 9:29 am rating: 1
#43
scott w
The overuse of ‘that’ makes me crazy.
Jul 1, 2008 at 10:56 pm rating: 0
#44
tomservo
But that is something that makes that such a great sticker on that bottle!
Jul 2, 2008 at 3:12 pm rating: 0
#45
stephanie
SO, I keep my laundry detergent in the basement with several other tenants’ soap, and I came downstairs to find my soap was GONE.
“
I took the great idea of the above with a little spin– “Stealing laundry detergent is NOT cool. Now my clothes are dirty… AND SO IS YOUR SOUL! THANKS.
Jul 15, 2008 at 12:34 am rating: 0
#46
Tool
Soap is for dirty stuff. Head shrinks are for issues. Which one does not belong in the bathroom?
Nov 12, 2008 at 9:52 am rating: 0
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