in daylights? in sunsets? in midnights? in posts on facebook?

June 29th, 2008 · 119 comments

writers an anonymous social networker in gainesville, florida: “this guy and his (ex) roommate are friends of mine on facebook, and they’ve been bickering back and forth for months now, airing their grievances for everyone to see.” the girl eventually moved out, our submitter says, but it seems like maybe — just maybe — she left some unfinished business behind.

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FILED UNDER: facebook · money · roommates · stealing

119 responses so far ↓

#1 j.

hmm. i can’t tell if the guy is insane, a genius, or both.

kat may be embarrassed into paying the rent… but still…

Jun 29, 2008 at 8:07 pm rating: +13

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- #1.1 hobgoblin
  
  I’m going to say “both.” The couscous thing is genius, but the rent thing quickly becomes pathetic and sad.
  
  Oh, and would it be too obvious to say “the couscous was fucking delicious”?
  
  Yeah, I thought so. Never mind that, then.
  
  Jun 29, 2008 at 8:20 pm rating: +8
- #1.2 Dent
  
  i don’t think you can have genius without at least some degree of insanity, so i think both is the appropriate response.
  the couscous letter is fucking delicious, don’t hide it.
  everything else is just weird
  
  Jun 30, 2008 at 12:14 am rating: +10
- #1.3 iagreewithhim
  
  Danny is a genius. The couscous thing is too fucking good, and WAY PA. And changing his facebook info? Fucking epic. He’s not being a whiney bitch at all, he’s using his brain and making an example of her. Bitch deserves it.
  
  Sep 19, 2008 at 9:39 pm rating: 0
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#2 PANU

A veritable PAN goldmine.

Jun 29, 2008 at 8:30 pm rating: +5

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#3 PANU

Tell me something, if there is ‘barely nothing’ left, does that mean there is a lot left?

Jun 29, 2008 at 8:32 pm rating: +26

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#4 Mishee

first of all - the couscous? it was fucking delicious… (yes, I said it!)

secondly… KAT PAY THE EFFIN RENT ALREADY!

Jun 29, 2008 at 8:36 pm rating: +5

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#5 Mishee

Danny also has excellent spelling, grammar, and sentence composition skills. And for that, I love him….

Jun 29, 2008 at 8:38 pm rating: +21

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- #5.1 Sarah
  
  Too bad he doesn’t know “to not use” split infinitives.
  
  Jun 29, 2008 at 9:17 pm rating: +4
- #5.2 schrodingersduck
  
  Actually, most grammatical authorities say it’s not a mistake to occasionally split the odd infinitive - many even encourage it, since it makes the meaning of complex sentences less ambiguous.
  
  Most arguments against it are based on what other languages do - because German, Middle English and Latin don’t split infinitives, English shouldn’t either - rather than any solid rationale.
  
  Jun 30, 2008 at 6:25 am rating: +22
- #5.3 glastonberry
  
  Danny is just one of those guys who thinks he’s real clever and witty. Everyone is too polite to tell him he’s an insufferable bore.
  
  Jul 8, 2008 at 2:47 pm rating: +3
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#6 anglophile

In the time it took to log onto Facebook, write the letter and post it, he could have gone to the store, purchased a new box, and cooked it. But bonus points for the Steinbeck shout-out.

Jun 29, 2008 at 8:40 pm rating: +9

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- #6.1 Wade
  
  And let’s not forget the time it took to find, download and post an image of the Couscous box from the internet. Unless Danny takes a digital photograph of all his groceries, just in case.
  
  Jun 29, 2008 at 8:49 pm rating: +29
- #6.2 amazon
  
  I’m highly anticipating his next letter to the nasty-ass litter box!
  
  Jun 30, 2008 at 1:00 am rating: +3
- #6.3 claw71
  
  I found it! Dan had it posted on Facebook…
  
  Dear Nasty-ass litter box:
  
  When you moved in I was apprehensive because I’ve dealt with your kind before and it’s never been pleasant. It’s not that I’m a bigot, which explains why I opened my door to you in the first place, but in the past I’ve known litter boxes to think only of themselves.
  
  I was assured that you’d be regularly cleaned and that you’d maintain a low profile around the house. It was also promised that wayward litter would be swept up immediately and that orphaned turds would never be an issue.
  
  I wish I could say that it comes as a shock that none of these bargains were upheld. Dried turds have formed colonies in various places around the apartment. Litter nuggets are imbedded in my flesh. The acrid scent of urine not only permeates the apartment but it remains draped over me when I leave.
  
  I live in shit. Shit, shit, shit. Shit in the morning, shit in the evening, shit on the weekends. A person shouldn’t have to live this way. A litter box should be more considerate.
  
  I was hoping that you’d be the litter box to prove all my prejudices wrong. I’m truly sorry to say that thanks to you they have not only been reaffirmed but reinforced.
  
  I really wish you would leave. Take your army of cat turds and the sea of scattered litter with you.
  
  Sincerely,
  
  Danny
  
  Jun 30, 2008 at 10:58 am rating: +15
- #6.4 Allusion Nazi
  
  Well, except that the reference is presumably to “the best-laid schemes o’ mice an’ men gang aft agley” (the line itself, rather than any Steinbeck-specific content). That line is from a Robert Burns poem to which the title of Steinbeck’s better-known book refers. So not that many points for the shout-out, actually.
  
  Jul 1, 2008 at 10:38 am rating: 0
- #6.5 Mishee
  
  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VVmV7uy8Xqk
  
  Re 6.4: I knew that.
  
  Jul 1, 2008 at 10:49 am rating: 0
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#7 Quite Contrary

Danny and Kat are asspandas.

Jun 29, 2008 at 8:46 pm rating: +26

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- #7.1 Moonsilver
  
  The cat however is merely an ass. I am basing this asssumption on the fact that the only evidence that there is a cat at all is the fact that the litter box has been used. Perhaps he’s a Cheshire Cat?
  
  Jun 30, 2008 at 3:20 pm rating: +1
- #7.2 Sara
  
  Asspanda is the best insult I’ve ever heard. I just peed a little.
  
  Jul 1, 2008 at 2:57 pm rating: +1
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#8 Wade

I’m amused by the religious views entry.

The Unfunny Truth about Rentology.

Jun 29, 2008 at 8:54 pm rating: +14

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#9 tnt

i so wish that i knew these ppl.
alas these are the things that i will NOT miss about the ‘ville (as us “locals” like to call it)

Jun 29, 2008 at 9:07 pm rating: 0

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#10 Sarah

Scene: Danny’s apartment. Danny’s new roommate, who we will call Joanne, has come to visit. Our friend Katrina refuses to speak to Danny herself.

JOANNE: This is weird, very weird
I’m so mad that I don’t know what to do.
So my roommate just sent
Me over here about rent
But she won’t even talk about you!

DANNY: Feel like going insane?
Got a fire in your brain?
Mysteriously low on gasoline?

JOANNE: As a matter of fact…

DANNY: Honey, I know this act.
It’s called the Tango Katrina.

The Tango Katrina
It’s a dark dizzy merry-go-round
And she makes you twisted…

JOANNE: You’re wrong.

DANNY: She’ll get you evicted!

JOANNE: It’s different with me!

DANNY: And you toss and you turn
‘Cause last night you learned
The heating bill just went unpaid?

JOANNE: I think I know what you mean…

DANNY: The Tango Katrina!

Have you ever gone to the pantry, and lost your couscous?

JOANNE: (unconvincingly) …Never.

DANNY: Have you ever asked if she ate your food?

JOANNE: It’s no use…
Are eviction notes taped to your door?

DANNY: Every day. So be cautious.

JOANNE: Does she leave empty litterboxes?

DANNY: More than empty.

JOANNE: I’m getting… nauseous…

Jun 29, 2008 at 9:14 pm rating: +49

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- #10.1 Angel
  
  ♥ bravo!
  
  Jun 29, 2008 at 11:04 pm rating: 0
- #10.2 Sarah
  
  Very apropos username.
  
  Jun 30, 2008 at 12:30 am rating: 0
- #10.3 TC
  
  Friends call me…
  
  Jun 30, 2008 at 11:01 am rating: 0
- #10.4 Amber Love
  
  Hilarious!! So very apropos indeed!
  
  Jun 30, 2008 at 12:56 pm rating: 0
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#11 zombieBlanco

I like how Danny qualifies that Kat is probably a bad person for not paying rent.

Stalin sent thousands to the gulags, and is probably a bad person for it.

See? That probably makes everything better!

Jun 29, 2008 at 9:18 pm rating: +18

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#12 Canthz_B

Maybe the litter boxes were intended as compensation for the couscous?

Jun 29, 2008 at 9:32 pm rating: +7

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- #12.1 amazon
  
  They are made out of the same thing, right?
  
  Jun 30, 2008 at 11:14 am rating: +8
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#13 brettt

I’m on Kat’s side here.

That rent money bought me a tub of DELICIOUS couscous, and I took a bath in it.

Jun 29, 2008 at 9:43 pm rating: +3

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#14 damon

Fucking MASTERPIECE! I’m gonna print a screenshot of this and friggin FRAME IT!

Jun 29, 2008 at 9:49 pm rating: +2

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#15 John in IL

Human decency gets two thumbs up from me! Overrated? Nahhhh.

Jun 29, 2008 at 10:44 pm rating: +2

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#16 fink

He goes by Danny… isn’t that enough? He’s been doomed from the start. Let’s review the Dannys we know:

Danny Bonaduce (I don’t think I need to qualify this one)
Danny Wood (of NKOTB!)
Danny Elfman (He got a shitty name in the front and the back: double penetration!)
Danny Devito (Taxi, Matilda)
Danny Glover (I think that’s an alias for Samuel L. Jackson…)

Jun 29, 2008 at 11:00 pm rating: +10

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- #16.1 Sirius
  
  Hey now, you leave Matilda alone!
  
  Jun 30, 2008 at 1:01 am rating: 0
- #16.2 GhostWriter
  
  I nominate Danny Zuko (from “Grease”) to the club. He was 24 years old when he graduated high school.
  
  Jun 30, 2008 at 9:26 am rating: +8
- #16.3 fink
  
  It’s the rent that I want
  Hoo hoo hooooo honey
  It’s the rent that I want
  Hoo hoo hooooo honey
  
  It’s the rent I neeeeeeed
  Oh, yes indeed!
  
  Jun 30, 2008 at 2:41 pm rating: +4
- #16.4 Donna Martin Graduates!
  
  Danny *Robert* Elfman.
  
  Hence, airtight.
  
  Aug 29, 2008 at 9:24 am rating: 0
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#17 Epi

Wow… Danny’s a whiny bitch. Way to bitch fight on facebook…. Loser…

Jun 29, 2008 at 11:04 pm rating: 0

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#18 Abe Froman

Too bad Danny didn’t lay a golden egg at 11:05. Then he could have paid the damn rent himself!

Jun 29, 2008 at 11:55 pm rating: +8

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- #18.1 cricket
  
  Abe Froman, the Sausage King of Chicago?
  
  Jul 1, 2008 at 12:20 am rating: +1
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#19 Lo

That rent money was fucking delicious.

Jun 30, 2008 at 12:42 am rating: +2

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#20 Ashley

Is anyone else a little bit curious to hear the lyrics to “I don’t want to get evicted” ?

Jun 30, 2008 at 1:24 am rating: +5

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- #20.1 park rose
  
  This is as far as I got, with hardly a thing changed. Pathetic, I know. I lay down the gauntlet for all the resident lyricist genii…
  
  To the tune of this.
  
  Twenty-twenty-twenty four hours I go Don’t wanna be evicted
  Nothin’ to do and no where to go-o-oh Don’t wanna be evicted
  
  PS: He can’t control his fingers, and can’t control his brain ; a problem which also afflicts Danny if one looks at the frequency of his facebook posts.
  
  Jun 30, 2008 at 7:32 am rating: +8
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#21 JuanRojas

Actually the couscous wasn’t fucking delicious and I vomited it in the litter box. Damn me for wanting to try everything, once.

Jun 30, 2008 at 3:31 am rating: +4

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#22 RALPHY

So-he got stiffed by his girlfriend that he let move in. He probably got his money’s worth in the intervening months. If he misses his couscous that much, he might try coca-puffs and grits. Get over it-life goes on.

Jun 30, 2008 at 4:17 am rating: +1

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#23 Burghardt

I think he should have said “the-box-formerly-known-as-couscous”.

Jun 30, 2008 at 5:03 am rating: +3

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#24 Rowdy

Dear Dan,

Couscous invited you to a game of Scrabulous on Facebook.

‘Sorry Dan, It’s not you; it’s me, I’m just I’m not ready for a Tajine right now. I still care about you but Kat was always the one for me.’

To reply to this message, follow the link below:
facebook.com/n/?inbox/readmessage.php

Jun 30, 2008 at 5:56 am rating: +10

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- #24.1 katy
  
  is this a normal thing for people to invite those they’re not talking to to a game of scrabulous? this happened to me and now this reference… it all seems a bit more than coincidental.
  
  Jul 5, 2008 at 8:41 pm rating: +1
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#25 Jsmoke

Dan is a friggin douche! Couscous? Are you kidding me Dan, couscous? You should be exiled from civilization. However, Katrina pay what you owe.

Jun 30, 2008 at 7:24 am rating: +1

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#26 Pip

Epic! The ode to the $2.99 box of couscous was classic.

Jun 30, 2008 at 7:45 am rating: 0

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#27 claw71

This is really weak. Dan’s not brilliant, he’s a moron and he’s also gutless. These notes aren’t
passive aggressive at all, they’re passive whiny. Boo-friggity-Hoo. Dan needs to stop looking for couscous in his pantry and see if there’s a pair of balls in there. Honestly just one would do.

Dear Kat: Pay the fucking rent or I’ll kneecap your mother. That’s how I roll. And I don’t eat couscous. Jesus, Dan, couscous? Do you eat that before or after you take a bath with the scented candles and perfumed salts? Pansy.

I think Kat should keep on keeping on. She should invite that stinky homeless guy from down the street to stay in Dan’s room and snatch food right out of Dan’s hands when he’s snacking in the living room. She should wipe her ass with his dress shirts and let him try to fish them out of the stopped up commode.

It’s harsh but the world doesn’t need people like Dan. He needs to be pushed over the edge. If that stimulates the development of a spine, great. If it drives him to throw himself in front of a train, so be it. Either way, we’re better off.

Jun 30, 2008 at 7:52 am rating: +28

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- #27.1 Mikey
  
  That’s really pretty intense, dude. Maybe you should take a deep breath, have a bowl of couscous and live and let live.
  
  Jun 30, 2008 at 10:36 am rating: +17
- #27.2 amazon
  
  Don’t worry Mikey, that’s just claw being claw. They must have been late with the meds this morning.
  
  Jun 30, 2008 at 11:21 am rating: 0
- #27.3 Nathan
  
  That’s awesome. Dan is a punk. I don’t know if we need to bump him off but Claw is right, Kat should be wiping the floor with this dweeb.
  
  Jun 30, 2008 at 1:59 pm rating: +1
- #27.4 K.
  
  I agree that Danny is a moron. In fact, to me he sounds just like an ex boyfriend of mine who used to write up complex sentences with all too much vocabulary and pseudo-intellect every time he got his panties in a knot.
  
  Just because someone can write something that resembles satire doesn’t make them a good person. The idea that they took all the time to have that war on facebook shows the utter lack of balls of sir Dan. I would side with Kat for pseudo-intellect offends my inner persona far more than an idiot with flawed logic who sees no need to hide behind a wall of false intelligence.
  
  Jun 30, 2008 at 6:06 pm rating: 0
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#28 thatswhatshesaid

I think Kat owes me rent, too.

Jun 30, 2008 at 7:58 am rating: +2

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#29 Rowdy

I wonder if Kat smoked in the apartment and also raped Dan before leaving.

Jun 30, 2008 at 8:00 am rating: +20

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- #29.1 Mishee
  
  I just had to plus this for the Anthony Grosso/Rene Hall reference.
  
  Good show! Thank you Terry!
  
  Jun 30, 2008 at 8:42 am rating: +3
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#30 Beth

Kat,

Please see Casey in HR to pay the rent.

THX SANDRA

Jun 30, 2008 at 8:45 am rating: +6

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#31 se

An open letter to a box of couscous? Isn’t that just too fucking cute.

Damn, just noticed that I pretty much echoed #26.

Jun 30, 2008 at 9:49 am rating: 0

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#32 Cowgirlgraphics

I know I’m going against the grain here, but the only reason Kat moved in was for the free rent. When she found out it was “put out or get out” she left … leaving Danny with the only cover story he could muster: that she wouldn’t pay the rent … oh Danny boy, you should know by now, when she found that box of couscous she just wasn’t that into you.

Move on.

Jun 30, 2008 at 10:39 am rating: +7

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#33 djr

Danny should spend less time bitching on Facebook and more time earning some rent money.

Jun 30, 2008 at 10:42 am rating: +1

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#34 GhostWriter

In truth, everything is rent:

DANNY:
How can I document her price?
Kat’s escalating my
eviction each day…

KATRINA:
Interests? – Schminterests!
Blow me, Dan!
..and now your headshot,
“Katrina, Please Pay…” ??
Rent !

Why do you write so long
though your roommate’s gone,
when I once shouted “I don’t care!”
Damn your notes, they suck
Why do you bother? Couscous vanished into thin air…

DANNY:
Now I’m hungry and bitter
(I sent this thru Twitter)

When you gonna pay?
When you gonna pay?
When you gonna pay-
Last month’s rent?

KATRINA:
Why don’t you start to cry?
Is there nothing you’ve learned?
never felt like cleaning up in my room…

DANNY:
How can you denigrate me
when you don’t pay your fees?
Here’s an egg for you!

You left me a cat tray
With nasty-ass cat waste

When you gonna pay?
When you gonna pay?
When you gonna pay-
Last month’s rent?

Jun 30, 2008 at 11:02 am rating: +5

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- #34.1 amazon
  
  I must not have fully embraced la vie boheme. This song always bugged me. I mean seriously, who feels entitled enough that they don’t think they need to pay rent?
  
  Jun 30, 2008 at 11:25 am rating: +1
- #34.2 GhostWriter
  
  Many starving artists make the arguable case against private property ownership. Granted, it is driven by a egocentric desire to spend their days perfecting their craft, but endowments and free-market capitalism are not symbols of compassion or equality. What exactly did Benny do, to own that apartment building? He got married.
  
  Well, perhaps he did pay his dues…
  
  Jun 30, 2008 at 12:15 pm rating: +1
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#35 claw71

The reason Kat stopped paying the rent is because she got tired of asking Dan to stop making tea with her dirty panties. Unfortunately for us she confronted Dan directly rather the post her issues online.

Jun 30, 2008 at 11:04 am rating:

painfully polite and hilariously hostile writings from shared spaces the world over

in daylights? in sunsets? in midnights? in posts on facebook?

June 29th, 2008 · 119 comments

119 responses so far ↓