Writes our anonymous submitter from Kentucky: “I work at a gym. I was checking the women’s locker room to make sure it wasn’t a fetid stinkpit (it wasn’t) when I saw three of these lying on the counter. I went to throw them out and found a whole mess of them in the trash can, too.”
related: like a rotten sponge
99 responses so far ↓
#1
AKZombie
So, if the person had taken what she didn’t want, it would have been okay? If the bag was on the bench, it would have been okay? Because losing the stuff doesn’t suck as much as the realization that your stupidity and cheapness directly resulted in the loss?
It’s the gym, people. Those bitches will take anything not attached to you or under lock and key.
Awesome that she can use the word “it’s” (excuse me IT’S) properly in one place, and then completely blow it in another.
Jun 30, 2008 at 7:17 pm rating: 14
#2
PANU
Theif? What’s that?
Jun 30, 2008 at 7:20 pm rating: 1
#3
schrodingersduck
Is it just me, or does “There is a theif among us!!! And you know who you are!!!” sound like two completely unrelated statements? One informs people that there may be a “theif” about, the other is a philosophical koan on the meaning of the self and awareness of the soul. Do we truly know who we are? Do we? It’s deep stuff.
Jun 30, 2008 at 7:21 pm rating: 52
#4
Canthz_B
I’m sure they’d take your shit much easier if you’d leave your bag on the floor next time.
Jun 30, 2008 at 7:26 pm rating: 23
#5
Canthz_B
That “theif” is no lady!
Jun 30, 2008 at 7:29 pm rating: 4
#6
Canthz_B
What matters is that they stole my make-up bag and I had to leave here looking like Charles Bronson!
Jun 30, 2008 at 7:31 pm rating: 27
#7
pry
is it just me, or is anyone else convinced that the “theif” is the author of the blue scrawled response?
Jun 30, 2008 at 7:38 pm rating: 6
#8
secondsout
They got your makeup, but left your vibrator. You should feel lucky.
Jun 30, 2008 at 7:38 pm rating: 16
#9
Canthz_B
Methinks she’s lucky that The Mad Bomber doesn’t use her gym!
Jun 30, 2008 at 7:56 pm rating: 3
#10
zombieBlanco
Shouldn’t it be ‘Tuesday between the minutes of 4:15 and 5:00 pm…’? Can forty-five minutes really constitute hours?
Jun 30, 2008 at 8:16 pm rating: 17
#11
Mishee
She should feel lucky she didn’t go to shower and find a “surprise”
Damn! CB beat me to it (kinda)! Teaches me not to backread!
Jun 30, 2008 at 8:25 pm rating: 0
#12
Canthz_B
Since almost no one has never stolen anything, isn’t it a good bet there is always a thief among us?
Jun 30, 2008 at 8:31 pm rating: 4
#13
RandyinReno
…no one has never stolen anything, isn’t…
Nice triple neg CB!
Jun 30, 2008 at 8:39 pm rating: 2
#14
Lurker
A gym locker room that’s not a fetid stinkpit? What is this, the Twilight Zone?
Jun 30, 2008 at 9:19 pm rating: 15
#15
gradytripp
ITS’
Plural Possessive.
Did she do this mess with a typewriter? Is she William S Burroughs or something
And don’t get me started on the lack of the Oxford comma….
Jun 30, 2008 at 9:47 pm rating: 2
#16
Abe Froman
The contents’ loss doesn’t matter to me either! The contents are inanimate objects, so they cannot feel the emotional loss of their bag! Unless, of course, those objects happen to be the can of soup, the old spoon, and the dirty sock from Skinny Legs and All……
Jun 30, 2008 at 10:35 pm rating: 11
#17
claw71
Bag in locker = somebody else’s stuff
Bag on top of locker = grab bag of gym swag
Jun 30, 2008 at 11:42 pm rating: 32
#18
Canthz_B
I’ve always found that the best way to see if there is any good shit in someone’s bag it’s best to ransack it. What’s this chick’s problem?
Jul 1, 2008 at 1:41 am rating: 11
#19
FarSide
Your make-up is gone?? Well, you still look the same…. are you SURE it’s gone?
Jul 1, 2008 at 1:54 am rating: 0
#20
Quite Contrary
How does the alleged victim know the thief/theif took whatever she wanted?
Perhaps the thief had been up all night the night before working on a paper for her Constitutional Law class, and wasn’t happy with it. She decided to go to the gym to get in a quick workout, and relax a little, before the terribly boring ConLaw class. As she ran the treadmill, she saw the treadmill as a methaphor for what her life was to become and decided that she need to break out a little bit. And what better than stealing? And there is a gym bag on top of the lockers. What’s wrong with stealing some stupid Maybelline makeup that is going to end up lost on a subway anyway? So she took it and felt liberated for all of ten seconds, saw that the lipstick was an awful shade of maeve (so ten years ago) and threw it all away in the dumpster on her way to class.
The best part? She wrote the snarky comment about getting a locker on the note. She’s going to be an AWESOME lawyer someday.
Jul 1, 2008 at 1:58 am rating: 5
#21
Polly Prissypants
The “you know who you are” part seems a little redundant.
Jul 1, 2008 at 2:30 am rating: 0
#22
Agent Inspired
I actually don’t think the writer in blue is the thief. It is the kind of sarcastic, condescending response that can only come from an uninvolved stranger.
Team blue ink.
Jul 1, 2008 at 2:51 am rating: 19
#23
RALPHY
Team Poor Speller–thieves suck!
Jul 1, 2008 at 8:12 am rating: 0
#24
Super Tash
I think a note saying,
‘Whoever stole my makeup enjoy your yeast infection!’
would have had more impact.
Jul 1, 2008 at 8:15 am rating: 16
#25
MJaz
Bullshit!
We all know that it’s the loss of the contents that bothers you. Nice try, you trifling wench.
Jul 1, 2008 at 8:23 am rating: 1
#26
Sandra
LADIES -
BE AWARE THAT THERE IS A THIEF AMONG US. PLEASE SEE CASEY IN HUMAN RESOURCES.
THX, SANDRA
Jul 1, 2008 at 8:37 am rating: 12
#27
GhostWriter
That wasn’t a make-up bag that got stolen. It was a stash bag. Pretending the loss doesn’t bother you is a sign of addiction (but also a sign of abstinence, so it’s tricky).
Jul 1, 2008 at 9:19 am rating: 1
#28
Martha Marsupial
In my gym, spelling and grammar mistakes are usually the preserve of the staff. My favourite sign is ‘please ring out your swimsuit’. I have written W in with a pen but they keep trying to rub it off. Interesting that the person who submitted this note says she ‘found’ it. Sure she did.
Jul 1, 2008 at 9:28 am rating: 3
#29
GhostWriter
Authorities are on the lookout for a female body builder wearing clown makeup. Jessica Biel has been named a “person of interest” in the investigation.
Jul 1, 2008 at 9:39 am rating: 3
#30
unholyghost2003
Oh My Lord. I NEED to know EXACTLY where in KY this came from. It sounds a lot like the water aerobics instructor at the gym I used to work at. Despite the fact she had a LOCKING office of her own, despite the fact we would sign out locks for use by anyone … she would leave her stuff in an unlocked locker, bag sitting out on a bench and complain when I would give prospective members facility tours because “She doesn’t know them! Her stuff was out in the locker room! What if something was stolen!”
Jul 1, 2008 at 9:48 am rating: 1
#31
Ryan
Damn – Dave, you beat me to it!
Jul 1, 2008 at 10:23 am rating: 0
#32
unshiftmethod
she needs to switch to sprint for crime deterrent.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KgoVrAR3YOo
Jul 1, 2008 at 11:09 am rating: 2
#33
Animal Andy
I think she is talking about Theif Johannson, the inventor of the the handshake and the exclamation mark. According to his wikipedia entry he was chronically short on make-up.
Jul 1, 2008 at 11:51 am rating: 2
#34
Miss Grace
My favorite? Its’
Jul 1, 2008 at 3:26 pm rating: 0
#35
Ryan
All you have to do to ruin Morgan Freeman for yourself is imagine him in that shitty Keanu Reeves movie “Chain Reaction”…..
(shivers!)
Jul 1, 2008 at 4:25 pm rating: 0
#36
Lura
I think I saw an indie band play once – I’d swear the lead singer was called Fetid Stinkpit.
Later, after their YouTube video failed to yield a record contract, Fetid Stinkpit aka Brad Snively was found working at a local Office Depot.
Jul 1, 2008 at 5:25 pm rating: 0
#37
TuesdayPillow
LADIES BEWARE!
There is a woman with a first-grade reading and spelling level among us!
Don’t leave any unnecessary apostrophes or dangling participles out – please lock up your poor grammar and spelling if you wish to keep it safe.
It’s not the fact that she can’t spell – it’s the fact that she parades her stupidity around for all to see!!!
Jul 1, 2008 at 6:16 pm rating: 7
#38
Sophie
People who write in all caps suck arse.
Jul 2, 2008 at 7:48 am rating: 1
#39
tomservo
If you leave the house with your dangling participles out, those nice policemen in blue come around and have a word with your mother.
Jul 2, 2008 at 2:36 pm rating: 0
#40
itmustbeken
Suggested Alternative:
Note the use of ALL CAPS to emphasize a point, not dilute the message.
___________________
Ladies Beware!
There is a thief in the locker room!
On Tuesday, between 4:15-5pm someone stole cosmetics from my bag.
ALL OF MY COSMETICS ARE TREATED WITH ANTIBIOTICS TO COMBAT MY RECENT SHINGLES OUTBREAK.
Enjoy!
——————
Jul 2, 2008 at 5:33 pm rating: 2
#41
punkypower
What if the “theif” doesn’t know who they are?
Aug 17, 2008 at 11:21 pm rating: 0
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