There is a poor speller among us

June 30th, 2008 · 99 comments

Writes our anonymous submitter from Kentucky: “I work at a gym. I was checking the women’s locker room to make sure it wasn’t a fetid stinkpit (it wasn’t) when I saw three of these lying on the counter. I went to throw them out and found a whole mess of them in the trash can, too.”

there is a poor speller among us

related: like a rotten sponge

FILED UNDER: CAPS LOCK · gym · Kentucky · rebuttals · spelling and grammar police · stealing · warning


99 responses so far ↓

  • #1   AKZombie

    So, if the person had taken what she didn’t want, it would have been okay? If the bag was on the bench, it would have been okay? Because losing the stuff doesn’t suck as much as the realization that your stupidity and cheapness directly resulted in the loss?

    It’s the gym, people. Those bitches will take anything not attached to you or under lock and key.

    Awesome that she can use the word “it’s” (excuse me IT’S) properly in one place, and then completely blow it in another.

    Jun 30, 2008 at 7:17 pm   rating: 16  small thumbs up

    • #1.1   dave

      those gym socks were fucking delicious.

      Jun 30, 2008 at 7:23 pm   rating: 21  small thumbs up

       
    • #1.2   Canthz_B bang

      Who said anything about gym socks? 8-O

      Jun 30, 2008 at 7:54 pm   rating: 20  small thumbs up

       
    • #1.3   PANU bang

      Re: #1

      She also managed to use exactly one period throughout the whole rant. That should count for something.

      I mean, that is one long ass sentence!

      Jun 30, 2008 at 8:06 pm   rating: 17  small thumbs up

       
    • #1.4   Canthz_B bang

      She only breaths when her personal trainer tells her to.

      Jun 30, 2008 at 8:14 pm   rating: 35  small thumbs up

       
    • #1.5   RandyinReno

      It’s the 50-50-90 rule: you have a 50-50 chance of guessing right, but you’ll be wrong 90 percent of the time.

      Jun 30, 2008 at 8:37 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

       
    • #1.6   Lurker

      Dammit, now I’ve got to change my gym locker combination.

      Jun 30, 2008 at 9:17 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

       
    • #1.7   secondsout bang

      Is your luggage combination 1-2-3-4-5? Only an idiot would have that as his luggage combination!

      Jul 1, 2008 at 12:25 am   rating: 12  small thumbs up

       
    • #1.8   skroob

      1, 2, 3, 4, 5? That’s amazing! I’ve got the same combination on my luggage!

      Jul 1, 2008 at 1:10 am   rating: 25  small thumbs up

       
    • #1.9   Sirius bang

      I’m surrounded by Assholes!

      Jul 1, 2008 at 12:22 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

       
    • #1.10   Mishee bang

      WHAT?? You went over my helmet!?!

      Jul 1, 2008 at 12:30 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
    • #1.11   bigtime loser

      evil will always win, because good is DUMB!

      Jul 1, 2008 at 2:56 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #1.12   Heidi

      ha! I didnt even notice that on first glance.

      Jul 1, 2008 at 3:07 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #1.13   jason

      If you leave a gym bag out, someone is going to steal what they want. People are slobs and dont respect other people’s things, and the sooner everyone realizes that the better. And, if you are going to put a note out warning everyone that a thief is stealing clothing or w/e, try to use spellcheck. It was made for blondies.

      Jul 7, 2008 at 3:19 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #1.14   Helmet

      “That’s not all she’s lost.”

      Sep 13, 2008 at 1:34 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #1.15   Natasha

      I think it was a typo.

      May 5, 2009 at 11:04 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #2   PANU bang

    Theif? What’s that?

    Jun 30, 2008 at 7:20 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #2.1   amazon

      For some reason this reminds me of one of my most favorite commercials of all time!

      http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2U_EfE-mqgE

      Great Googlie Mooglie!

      Jun 30, 2008 at 8:03 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.2   Crash bang

      PANU
      A “Theif” is a thief thats suffering from dyslexia. :D

      Jul 1, 2008 at 1:28 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #3   schrodingersduck bang

    Is it just me, or does “There is a theif among us!!! And you know who you are!!!” sound like two completely unrelated statements? One informs people that there may be a “theif” about, the other is a philosophical koan on the meaning of the self and awareness of the soul. Do we truly know who we are? Do we? It’s deep stuff.

    Jun 30, 2008 at 7:21 pm   rating: 53  small thumbs up

    • #3.1   anglophile bang

      As long as the gym bag remains closed, we both have a theif among us and no theif among us, simultaneously. As soon as the gym bag is opened, one or the other possibilities becomes our reality.

      Jun 30, 2008 at 7:58 pm   rating: 46  small thumbs up

       
    • #3.2   jadefirefly

      Schroedingers Gym Bag. Nice. :D

      Jun 30, 2008 at 9:02 pm   rating: 20  small thumbs up

       
    • #3.3   claw71 bang

      When you truly understand the Matrix you will realize that it is not the gym bag that opens, but yourself.

      Jun 30, 2008 at 11:47 pm   rating: 25  small thumbs up

       
    • #3.4   Andy

      The writer was clearly speaking about the great ontological subjunctive, The If.

      You know who you are, for if you don’t, there is only The If.

      Jul 2, 2008 at 12:46 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #4   Canthz_B bang

    I’m sure they’d take your shit much easier if you’d leave your bag on the floor next time.

    Jun 30, 2008 at 7:26 pm   rating: 23  small thumbs up

    • #4.1   amazon

      Gawd, seriously, some people can be so inconsiderate!

      Jun 30, 2008 at 8:04 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #5   Canthz_B bang

    That “theif” is no lady!

    Jun 30, 2008 at 7:29 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

    • #5.1   PANU bang

      Nicely done, CB. :)

      Jun 30, 2008 at 7:30 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #6   Canthz_B bang

    What matters is that they stole my make-up bag and I had to leave here looking like Charles Bronson!

    Jun 30, 2008 at 7:31 pm   rating: 27  small thumbs up

     
  • #7   pry

    is it just me, or is anyone else convinced that the “theif” is the author of the blue scrawled response?

    Jun 30, 2008 at 7:38 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

    • #7.1   Bunnee

      I think the blue scrawled response is not only the “theif”, but that the “theif” is pretty dang funny, too! Seriously, people, TRUST NO ONE! Ninjas are everywhere….

      Jun 30, 2008 at 10:07 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #8   secondsout bang

    They got your makeup, but left your vibrator. You should feel lucky.

    Jun 30, 2008 at 7:38 pm   rating: 16  small thumbs up

    • #8.1   claw71 bang

      No, I’ve seen that fat bitch…she needs the cosmetics. Without a heavy layer of foundation she can’t even turn a vibrator on.

      Jun 30, 2008 at 11:44 pm   rating: 16  small thumbs up

       
    • #8.2   RunBarbara bang

      I don’t think the make-up was stolen, I think it ran away. If you had to cover her dripping sores and mustache all day, you’d run too.
      Except you, Claw. Because I have a feeling you’d still hit that.

      Jul 1, 2008 at 9:58 am   rating: 7  small thumbs up

       
    • #8.3   claw71 bang

      Hey, it’s not like I have to be in the same room. Besides, everybody looks the same with their faces in the pillow and their asses inthe air.

      Jul 1, 2008 at 10:08 am   rating: 9  small thumbs up

       
    • #8.4   Mark bang

      Unless they’re an asspanda.

      Jul 1, 2008 at 4:39 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #9   Canthz_B bang

    Methinks she’s lucky that The Mad Bomber doesn’t use her gym!

    Jun 30, 2008 at 7:56 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

     
  • #10   zombieBlanco bang

    Shouldn’t it be ‘Tuesday between the minutes of 4:15 and 5:00 pm…’? Can forty-five minutes really constitute hours?

    Jun 30, 2008 at 8:16 pm   rating: 17  small thumbs up

    • #10.1   claw71 bang

      You’ve never been to a Catholic funeral have you?

      Jul 1, 2008 at 10:06 am   rating: 36  small thumbs up

       
    • #10.2   MAMARILLA2 bang

      A Catholic anything really.

      Aug 17, 2008 at 11:08 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #11   Mishee bang

    She should feel lucky she didn’t go to shower and find a “surprise”

    Damn! CB beat me to it (kinda)! Teaches me not to backread!

    Jun 30, 2008 at 8:25 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #12   Canthz_B bang

    Since almost no one has never stolen anything, isn’t it a good bet there is always a thief among us?

    Jun 30, 2008 at 8:31 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

     
  • #13   RandyinReno

    …no one has never stolen anything, isn’t…

    Nice triple neg CB!

    Jun 30, 2008 at 8:39 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

     
  • #14   Lurker

    A gym locker room that’s not a fetid stinkpit? What is this, the Twilight Zone?

    Jun 30, 2008 at 9:19 pm   rating: 15  small thumbs up

     
  • #15   gradytripp

    ITS’
    Plural Possessive.
    Did she do this mess with a typewriter? Is she William S Burroughs or something

    And don’t get me started on the lack of the Oxford comma….

    Jun 30, 2008 at 9:47 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

     
  • #16   Abe Froman bang

    The contents’ loss doesn’t matter to me either! The contents are inanimate objects, so they cannot feel the emotional loss of their bag! Unless, of course, those objects happen to be the can of soup, the old spoon, and the dirty sock from Skinny Legs and All……

    Jun 30, 2008 at 10:35 pm   rating: 11  small thumbs up

    • #16.1   Sirius bang

      ‘Twas a can o’ beans, and a painted stick as well, but thumbs up for the Robbins cite :)

      Jun 30, 2008 at 11:51 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #16.2   Sirius bang

      And also a Conch Shell. I dreamt of the Conch Shell last night.

      Oh, that’s my mom – I’ll put it on speaker.

      Jul 1, 2008 at 12:26 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #17   claw71 bang

    Bag in locker = somebody else’s stuff

    Bag on top of locker = grab bag of gym swag

    Jun 30, 2008 at 11:42 pm   rating: 32  small thumbs up

     
  • #18   Canthz_B bang

    I’ve always found that the best way to see if there is any good shit in someone’s bag it’s best to ransack it. What’s this chick’s problem?

    Jul 1, 2008 at 1:41 am   rating: 11  small thumbs up

    • #18.1   Canthz_B bang

      Let’s try that again before bed, shall we?

      I’ve always found that the best way to see if there is any good shit in someone’s bag is to ransack it. What’s this chick’s problem?

      Jul 1, 2008 at 1:56 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #19   FarSide

    Your make-up is gone?? Well, you still look the same…. are you SURE it’s gone?

    Jul 1, 2008 at 1:54 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #20   Quite Contrary

    How does the alleged victim know the thief/theif took whatever she wanted?

    Perhaps the thief had been up all night the night before working on a paper for her Constitutional Law class, and wasn’t happy with it. She decided to go to the gym to get in a quick workout, and relax a little, before the terribly boring ConLaw class. As she ran the treadmill, she saw the treadmill as a methaphor for what her life was to become and decided that she need to break out a little bit. And what better than stealing? And there is a gym bag on top of the lockers. What’s wrong with stealing some stupid Maybelline makeup that is going to end up lost on a subway anyway? So she took it and felt liberated for all of ten seconds, saw that the lipstick was an awful shade of maeve (so ten years ago) and threw it all away in the dumpster on her way to class.

    The best part? She wrote the snarky comment about getting a locker on the note. She’s going to be an AWESOME lawyer someday.

    Jul 1, 2008 at 1:58 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

     
  • #21   Polly Prissypants

    The “you know who you are” part seems a little redundant.

    Jul 1, 2008 at 2:30 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #22   Agent Inspired

    I actually don’t think the writer in blue is the thief. It is the kind of sarcastic, condescending response that can only come from an uninvolved stranger.

    Team blue ink.

    Jul 1, 2008 at 2:51 am   rating: 20  small thumbs up

     
  • #23   RALPHY

    Team Poor Speller–thieves suck!

    Jul 1, 2008 at 8:12 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #23.1   secondsout bang

      Ralphy comes rushing to the support of poor spellers everywhere. Vote Ralphy for Team Captain of Team Poor Speller!

      Jul 1, 2008 at 4:11 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #23.2   Sirius bang

      He’s got my vote — poor bastard doesn’t even know how to spell Ralphie

      Jul 1, 2008 at 4:34 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #24   Super Tash

    I think a note saying,

    ‘Whoever stole my makeup enjoy your yeast infection!’

    would have had more impact.

    Jul 1, 2008 at 8:15 am   rating: 16  small thumbs up

    • #24.1   secondsout bang

      Umm, I don’t know where you usually apply makeup. You might try the face next time.

      Jul 1, 2008 at 4:12 pm   rating: 14  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #25   MJaz

    Bullshit!

    We all know that it’s the loss of the contents that bothers you. Nice try, you trifling wench.

    Jul 1, 2008 at 8:23 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #26   Sandra

    LADIES -

    BE AWARE THAT THERE IS A THIEF AMONG US. PLEASE SEE CASEY IN HUMAN RESOURCES.

    THX, SANDRA

    Jul 1, 2008 at 8:37 am   rating: 12  small thumbs up

     
  • #27   GhostWriter bang

    That wasn’t a make-up bag that got stolen. It was a stash bag. Pretending the loss doesn’t bother you is a sign of addiction (but also a sign of abstinence, so it’s tricky).

    Jul 1, 2008 at 9:19 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #28   Martha Marsupial

    In my gym, spelling and grammar mistakes are usually the preserve of the staff. My favourite sign is ‘please ring out your swimsuit’. I have written W in with a pen but they keep trying to rub it off. Interesting that the person who submitted this note says she ‘found’ it. Sure she did.

    Jul 1, 2008 at 9:28 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #28.1   Lurker

      Maybe they want you to sew metal rings to your swimsuit.

      Jul 1, 2008 at 11:57 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #28.2   Mark bang

      Chainmail swimwear, the ultimate in comfort. Just make sure to remove your belly-button ring beforehand.

      Jul 1, 2008 at 12:03 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #28.3   Burghardt

      Or maybe they’re telling you to wave your swimsuit around like you were ringing a bell to get it to dry.

      Jul 1, 2008 at 11:07 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #28.4   glastonberry

      Just put your clothes on first… or maybe not, you do work out don’t you?

      Jul 8, 2008 at 2:37 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #29   GhostWriter bang

    Authorities are on the lookout for a female body builder wearing clown makeup. Jessica Biel has been named a “person of interest” in the investigation.

    Jul 1, 2008 at 9:39 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #29.1   claw71 bang

      Jessica Biel is a person of interest in my own personal investigation.

      Jul 1, 2008 at 10:04 am   rating: 9  small thumbs up

       
    • #29.2   Mishee bang

      http://www.google.com/search?q=jessica+biel+naked&ie=utf-8&oe=utf-8&aq=t&rls=org.mozilla:en-US:official&client=firefox-a …does NOT a “Personal Investigation” make… claw, you aren’t fooling ANY of us!!
      :D

      Jul 1, 2008 at 10:09 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #29.3   claw71 bang

      Well I’d love to conduct a more thorough physical examination of Ms. Biel but ever since that whole Jessica Alba fiasco I’ve been barred from approaching anybody named Jessica.

      Jul 1, 2008 at 10:38 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #29.4   Mishee bang

      Alas… now Jessica Tandy can R.I.P.

      Jul 1, 2008 at 10:43 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #29.5   claw71 bang

      Man, she was HOT!. Especially in that Mandingo movie she made with Morgan Freeman. I bet he drove Miss Daisy. I bet he drove her real good.

      Jul 1, 2008 at 10:49 am   rating: 8  small thumbs up

       
    • #29.6   Nathan

      STOP! You’ve ruined Smuckers and now I’ll never be able to look at Morgan Freeman the same way again.

      Jul 1, 2008 at 10:56 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #29.7   Mishee bang

      Well Nathan, there goes your Saturday morning ritual of having some toast with Orange Marmalade and watching Glory, Shawshank Redemption, or possibly Bruce Almighty if you are in a “saucy” mood that day…

      Don’t even tell claw that you do it all while admiring your albino python in it’s tank across the room… he will ruin that for you too! :D

      Jul 1, 2008 at 11:11 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #30   unholyghost2003 bang

    Oh My Lord. I NEED to know EXACTLY where in KY this came from. It sounds a lot like the water aerobics instructor at the gym I used to work at. Despite the fact she had a LOCKING office of her own, despite the fact we would sign out locks for use by anyone … she would leave her stuff in an unlocked locker, bag sitting out on a bench and complain when I would give prospective members facility tours because “She doesn’t know them! Her stuff was out in the locker room! What if something was stolen!”

    Jul 1, 2008 at 9:48 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #30.1   Shane

      @UHG2k3 –

      I totally read that line wrong the first time. thought it said ‘I NEED to know EXACTLY [where this KY] came from?’

      Why would you keep KY in a gym bag unless this were the YMCA? And do you really want to know?

      Jul 1, 2008 at 10:29 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
    • #30.2   unholyghost2003 bang

      lol ;) That is one of my hubby’s favorite jokes.

      Jul 1, 2008 at 10:41 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #30.3   claw71 bang

      In Kentucky they think KY jelly is just some home-spun spread for toast and you’ll find Smucker’s next to the condoms. Of course in all honesty, doesn’t Smucker’s sound like it belongs next to the condoms?

      Jul 1, 2008 at 10:44 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #30.4   unholyghost2003 bang

      With a name like Smucker’s, it has to be good.

      Jul 1, 2008 at 11:00 am   rating: 10  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #31   Ryan

    Damn – Dave, you beat me to it!

    Jul 1, 2008 at 10:23 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #31.1   Sirius bang

      In comment #1.1, about 15 hours before you. What is your ISP, two cans and a string?

      Jul 1, 2008 at 4:39 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #32   unshiftmethod bang

    she needs to switch to sprint for crime deterrent.
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KgoVrAR3YOo

    Jul 1, 2008 at 11:09 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

     
  • #33   Animal Andy

    I think she is talking about Theif Johannson, the inventor of the the handshake and the exclamation mark. According to his wikipedia entry he was chronically short on make-up.

    Jul 1, 2008 at 11:51 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #33.1   tomservo bang

      Isn’t he related to Theif Jurgensdottir, the infamous Icelandic ferret-strangler and creator of the world’s first cylindrical tent peg?

      Jul 8, 2008 at 3:00 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #34   Miss Grace

    My favorite? Its’

    Jul 1, 2008 at 3:26 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #35   Ryan

    All you have to do to ruin Morgan Freeman for yourself is imagine him in that shitty Keanu Reeves movie “Chain Reaction”…..

    (shivers!)

    Jul 1, 2008 at 4:25 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #35.1   Mishee bang

      Ryan – in the future you should try clicking on the little blue words under the gray bubble that says “reply to this comment” when you are replying…

      then related comments all stay together!

      you don’t have to thank me… just effin DO IT…

      Jul 1, 2008 at 5:07 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #36   Lura

    I think I saw an indie band play once – I’d swear the lead singer was called Fetid Stinkpit.

    Later, after their YouTube video failed to yield a record contract, Fetid Stinkpit aka Brad Snively was found working at a local Office Depot.

    Jul 1, 2008 at 5:25 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #36.1   Burghardt

      Maybe Graham was their drummer

      Jul 1, 2008 at 11:12 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #37   TuesdayPillow

    LADIES BEWARE!

    There is a woman with a first-grade reading and spelling level among us!

    Don’t leave any unnecessary apostrophes or dangling participles out – please lock up your poor grammar and spelling if you wish to keep it safe.

    It’s not the fact that she can’t spell – it’s the fact that she parades her stupidity around for all to see!!!

    Jul 1, 2008 at 6:16 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

     
  • #38   Sophie

    People who write in all caps suck arse.

    Jul 2, 2008 at 7:48 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #39   tomservo bang

    If you leave the house with your dangling participles out, those nice policemen in blue come around and have a word with your mother.

    Jul 2, 2008 at 2:36 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #40   itmustbeken bang

    Suggested Alternative:
    Note the use of ALL CAPS to emphasize a point, not dilute the message.
    ___________________
    Ladies Beware!
    There is a thief in the locker room!
    On Tuesday, between 4:15-5pm someone stole cosmetics from my bag.
    ALL OF MY COSMETICS ARE TREATED WITH ANTIBIOTICS TO COMBAT MY RECENT SHINGLES OUTBREAK.
    Enjoy!
    ——————

    Jul 2, 2008 at 5:33 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

     
  • #41   punkypower bang

    What if the “theif” doesn’t know who they are?

    Aug 17, 2008 at 11:21 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     

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