i asked santa for a baby alive, and all i got was this stupid dishwasher

July 2nd, 2008 · 142 comments

i didn’t think i’d ever see a kitchen appliance more inappropriately anthropomorphized than this fridge, but i think this dishwasher note (from an anonymous submitter in england) dials the WTF-factor up to 11.

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FILED UNDER: CAPS LOCK · anthropomorphism · bold-underlined-caps · dishes · dishwasher · mixed metaphors · sad face · shit · u.k. · wtf?

142 responses so far ↓

#1 Celia

Wow, that makes me sad. The fact that the underline after “Shit out” goes under the space… That’s kinda annoying.
I really don’t like when people are always anthropomorphizing things… especially appliances.

But I am Glad that the dishwasher thinks dishes are yummy.

Jul 2, 2008 at 11:02 pm rating: +3

reply to this comment
- #1.1 Mishee
  
  I just wonder why the word SHIT is red, not BROWN…. that’s how I would’ve done it if I had written the note…
  
  Jul 2, 2008 at 11:18 pm rating: +15
- #1.2 djr
  
  Yeah, you shouldn’t anthropomorphize appliances… they really hate that.
  
  Jul 3, 2008 at 10:23 am rating: +33
- #1.3 Kev Orng
  
  Thinking back on some of my roommates; they believed everything the TV told them, so why not the dishwasher?
  
  It’s just not right to obey the commands of one appliance and not listen to the requests of the others.
  
  Jul 3, 2008 at 10:43 am rating: +15
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#2 zombieBlanco

I’m confused- is it the dirty plates that are yummy or the clean shat out ones?

Jul 2, 2008 at 11:06 pm rating: +3

reply to this comment
- #2.1 secondsout
  
  Remind me not to eat off the dishes in this guy’s house.
  
  Jul 2, 2008 at 11:54 pm rating: +19
- #2.2 canadalicious
  
  It’s ok to eat at his house. The plates that the dishwasher shits out are clean! Or so he says…
  
  Jul 3, 2008 at 12:09 am rating: +1
- #2.3 amazon
  
  mmm… shitting out clean dishes… appetizing!
  
  Jul 3, 2008 at 12:17 am rating: +2
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#3 Mishee

My husband seems to think that if he doesn’t load me up with dishes to wash, I also will cry…

Wrong!

Jul 2, 2008 at 11:08 pm rating: +34

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#4 Mishee

Well, that explains why the British have the teeth they have… they’ve been eating dishes!

Jul 2, 2008 at 11:10 pm rating: +18

reply to this comment
- #4.1 secondsout
  
  It beats eating haggis.
  
  Jul 3, 2008 at 12:00 am rating: +13
- #4.2 zombieBlanco
  
  Perhaps eating dishes is also based on a dare?
  
  Jul 3, 2008 at 12:07 am rating: +2
- #4.3 jenzoid
  
  Those shitty plates are delicious……….
  
  Jul 7, 2008 at 3:14 am rating: +1
- #4.4 tomservo
  
  FYI - HAGGIS IS EATIN IN “SCOTLAND”. DOWN IN ENGLAND WE EAT “PROPER” FOOD.
  
  THX SANDRA
  
  Jul 8, 2008 at 3:46 pm rating: +4
- #4.5 Canthz_B
  
  Like Bubble and Squeak?
  
  Jul 8, 2008 at 3:54 pm rating: +1
- #4.6 PandoraWombat
  
  What about Great Big Spotted Dick?
  
  Aug 2, 2008 at 12:47 pm rating: 0
- #4.7 MAMARILLA2
  
  What about toad in the hole?
  
  Aug 17, 2008 at 1:36 pm rating: 0
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#5 zombieBlanco

♪ never stop

If you load me up
If you load me up I’ll always eat

If you load me up
If you load me up I’ll always eat

I’ve been cleaning plates
You got me shitting gonna shit clean plates

If you load me up
If you load me up I’ll always eat

Jul 2, 2008 at 11:23 pm rating: +12

reply to this comment
- #5.1 aaa
  
  Personally, I was thinking of something along the lines of “Load me up before you go go.” But then I remembered Wham is for losers and started thinking about manlier music like GWAR.
  
  Jul 3, 2008 at 12:29 am rating: +21
- #5.2 Mark
  
  What would Oderus Ungerus and Balzac the Jaws of Death think of being called “manly”? They hate mankind!
  
  Jul 3, 2008 at 10:42 am rating: +2
- #5.3 Mishee
  
  “balzac”
  
  Jul 3, 2008 at 10:53 am rating: +3
- #5.4 optimismopski
  
  Sexcuse me- but I believe that GWAR would be able to solve the case of the crying dishwasher; just as they suggest putting money under the soap as a way of hiding money from hippies, perhaps the writer of the note should hide the dirty dishes under the dishwasher soap as well? Maybe it would end the need for the dishwasher to be so anal explosive.
  If GWAR is not available for comment, THX SANDRA might be able to refer him/her to CASEY IN HUMAN RESOURCES, for the low price of $5, for parameters about what to do in case the dishwasher has a BIG JOB.
  
  Jul 11, 2008 at 12:14 pm rating: +1
- #5.5 optimismopski
  
  Unfortunately for me, it seems I may end up having to wear the beloved unitard, as I inadvertently made a THX SANDRA reference without realizing there was a decree made days ago that i missed on the next post! That is what I get for falling behind on my PAN notes! I shall wear it with pride, if in fact the funny-powers-that-be feel I am worthy enough.
  
  Jul 11, 2008 at 1:15 pm rating: 0
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#6 Sarah

Unfortunate line break after “shit”.

Jul 2, 2008 at 11:29 pm rating: +12

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#7 ALA

I’m a little dishwasher, short & stout
Here is my do-or, I have no spout
Put the dirty dishes in & I’ll shit them out
So fill me up or watch me pout

Jul 2, 2008 at 11:34 pm rating: +84

reply to this comment
- #7.1 Christy
  
  I think I love you.
  
  Jul 3, 2008 at 1:14 am rating: +3
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#8 John in IL

If my appliances are shitting anything, I call a repairman. I don’t write a shitty note.

Jul 2, 2008 at 11:47 pm rating: +10

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#9 catherine

wtf. seriously! this is the worst passive aggressive “do the dishes” note ever, because a) it’s gross (mmm I love eating what another thing has shit out!) and b) it’s not like the dishwasher is the only way to do dishes. I would like to slap the author of this note.

Jul 2, 2008 at 11:49 pm rating: +5

reply to this comment
- #9.1 cre8tivewmn
  
  I agree. Just gross. Plus, it eats and shits out of the same door?
  
  If I thought my dishwasher was shitting out my dishes, I’d let the dog wash them.
  
  If I were insane enough to write such a p/a note, I’d say “I eat the left-over food and then rinse your dishes clean.”
  
  Jul 3, 2008 at 8:33 am rating: +3
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#10 Canthz_B

Diner: Excuse me waiter, my dish is dirty.

Waiter: Impossible! The dishwasher just shit that out.

Diner: Hmmph! Check Please!

Jul 2, 2008 at 11:52 pm rating: +46

reply to this comment
- #10.1 Amanda
  
  The past tense of shit is “shat.”
  
  Jul 3, 2008 at 3:00 pm rating: +2
- #10.2 Canthz_B
  
  No. It’s not. Nor is it shitted.
  
  Jul 3, 2008 at 11:32 pm rating: +1
- #10.3 Canthz_B
  
  I suppose you can use “”shat” according to urbandictionary.com:
  
  —shat 127 up, 26 down
  Past tense of shit
  Shitted is not a word
  Shit can also be used as a past tense word
  
  But, “shit” is also correct in past tense use, so don’t correct me, okay?
  
  Jul 4, 2008 at 12:05 am rating: +3
- #10.4 Burghardt
  
  This gives William Shatner a whole new dimension. Shat-tastic!
  
  Jul 4, 2008 at 4:44 am rating: +3
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#11 Canthz_B

Plate shitting is a hell of a trick, but let’s see the flatware!

Jul 3, 2008 at 12:00 am rating: +11

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#12 Bikerbabee

Capitals, underlining, smiley faces.. they only left out pink penises and hearts!

Jul 3, 2008 at 12:02 am rating: +1

reply to this comment
- #12.1 aaa
  
  I think they need rainbow font and glitter, too. References to Jesus and claims of not being their mother would also be appropriate.
  
  Jul 3, 2008 at 12:23 am rating: +9
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#13 Canthz_B

I’d hate to point out the obvious but…those plates were fucking delicious!

Jul 3, 2008 at 12:02 am rating: +9

reply to this comment
- #13.1 Brian
  
  Aww, man! JUST beat me to it.
  
  In any case, on a scale of Scary 1-10, where 1 is a dark room and 10 is a bad LSD trip? I’d give it a Gary Busey.
  
  Jul 3, 2008 at 12:17 am rating: +14
- #13.2 Canthz_B
  
  A time and a place for every thing, my friend!
  
  Jul 3, 2008 at 12:19 am rating: +2
- #13.3 Mike
  
  OK, so what cultural reference am I missing with regards to the “fucking delicious” line that appears on every posting?
  
  Jul 3, 2008 at 1:20 am rating: +1
- #13.4 Lo
  
  Look to the right side of the screen and you should see a green box titled “greatest hits”. Click the link called “fucking delicious” and enjoy.
  
  Jul 3, 2008 at 1:43 am rating: +2
- #13.5 ALA
  
  Every family has an odd tradition or twelve…this is one of ours.
  See “Fucking Delicious” in the Greatest Hits section above/right. There was a fucking delicious crazy obsession for awhile (being first to use it was quite the coup), so we had a brief moratorium on the use of the phrase; breaking the moratorium got you the Unitard (see Greatest Hits). We’re now using the phrase again, but less obsessively.
  
  Jul 3, 2008 at 1:44 am rating: +3
- #13.6 ALA
  
  Sorry, Lo!
  
  Jul 3, 2008 at 1:45 am rating: +1
- #13.7 Crash
  
  Damn…
  You covered the Unitard, Fucking Delicious, and you also said “first” and I think you were the first to say that too
  
  Jul 3, 2008 at 2:35 am rating: 0
- #13.8 Mike
  
  Thank you Lo and ALA!
  
  Jul 3, 2008 at 3:33 am rating: 0
- #13.9 Mike
  
  Oh, and Outback bread really is fucking delicious.
  
  Jul 3, 2008 at 3:34 am rating: +1
- #13.10 grumpygranolagirl
  
  Speaking of PAN’s greatest hits, I can’t read an inter-office memo or listen to anything our admin people say without thinking to myself: “Please see Casey in Human Resources. THX Sandra.”
  
  I’m probably going to show-up at the office wearing a Mongolian BBQ hat very soon.
  
  Jul 3, 2008 at 7:37 am rating: +10
- #13.11 Quite Contrary
  
  Another PAN effect is the blinking timer on the microwave. To clear or not to clear?
  
  Jul 3, 2008 at 9:02 am rating: +1
- #13.12 Captain OCD
  
  After I read that one, I began to notice that my co-workers fail to clear the display from time to time. No notes. I just get up and do it myself.
  
  Jul 3, 2008 at 10:19 am rating: +2
- #13.13 changeling
  
  we have several of the “your mother doesn’t work here” notes but some of them have (most of you) added to the phrase. we had several mother /child relatives working here, but most of the mothers quit. The latest note doesn’t reference the mother that still works here. I snicker every time I see that one
  
  Jul 3, 2008 at 4:45 pm rating: +1
- #13.14 Canthz_B
  
  Don’t forget “This one time at band camp…”
  
  Another great PAN tradition.
  
  Jul 4, 2008 at 2:44 am rating: +2
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#14 RALPHY

Kinda reminds me of “The Little House of Horrors” except it had no point.

Jul 3, 2008 at 12:13 am rating: +1

reply to this comment
- #14.1 Canthz_B
  
  At least Audrey II didn’t think her shit didn’t stink!
  
  Jul 3, 2008 at 12:17 am rating: +1
- #14.2 Sarah
  
  You mean the Little Shop of Horrors. The House of Horrors belongs to Hugo.
  
  Jul 3, 2008 at 2:47 pm rating: +1
- #14.3 bellabeastie
  
  Ralphy = spellink impaired
  
  Jul 4, 2008 at 2:07 am rating: +1
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#15 Canthz_B

Every time I try to put a load into my dishwasher my wife gets angry.
Of course my dishwasher is an exchange student from the Philippines, but she says it’s yummy!

Jul 3, 2008 at 12:13 am rating: +40

reply to this comment
- #15.1 Numinous
  
  Now I’ve got a new innuendo stuck in my head.
  
  “Hey, wanna play dishwasher?”
  
  Problem is, no one outside this group will get it.
  *sigh* I’ll never look at a dishwasher the same way again.
  
  Jul 3, 2008 at 10:49 am rating: +2
- #15.2 amazon
  
  Innuendo?
  
  “I want you bad in my endo… I’m talking about you nailing my butt.”
  
  http://thespinningkick.multiply.com/video/item/139
  
  *sigh* back when SNL was still funny.
  
  Jul 3, 2008 at 2:38 pm rating: +2
- #15.3 WhyAren'tUDeadYet
  
  Hmm. I thought your wife was dead. Must have read that wrong. Hey, whatever. Do carry on. Not that you need MY encouragement…
  
  Jul 4, 2008 at 12:28 am rating: 0
- #15.4 Canthz_B
  
  That’s why they call it fiction, or did I miss the oath to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth when I put together a joke?
  
  I confess, I don’t really have an exchange student to do my dishes!
  
  Jul 4, 2008 at 12:57 am rating: +4
- #15.5 Mishee
  
  Yes CB I believe you… I know that you’ve got an illegal alien, not an exchange student!!
  
  Jul 4, 2008 at 10:51 am rating: 0
  
  </

painfully polite and hilariously hostile writings from shared spaces the world over

i asked santa for a baby alive, and all i got was this stupid dishwasher

July 2nd, 2008 · 142 comments

142 responses so far ↓