graham, this means you

July 6th, 2008 · 124 comments

eli says this sign has been hanging in the window of the local pizza place for several weeks now. (really, with that whole “talking and working” requirement, are you surprised they weren’t deluged with applications?)

related: bizarre pardoning accident

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FILED UNDER: CAPS LOCK · now that's management · spelling and grammar police

124 responses so far ↓

#1 Mark

But it’s OK if I don’t sleep (yay meth), nailed the babysitter before I arrived, “expirience” bald tires every day, have to arrive late because of probation meetings (and nailing the babysitter), can wait up to 11 minutes until talking on the cell phone or smoking weed, and am able to talk and work and jerk off into the pizza sauce all at the same time? Am I hired?

Jul 6, 2008 at 9:23 pm rating: +45

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- #1.1 Claire
  
  Mark is truly a busy man–shows potential for being management material!
  
  Jul 6, 2008 at 11:08 pm rating: +15
- #1.2 Canthz_B
  
  Yes. You’re hired.
  That is unless the probation meetings are because you nailed the babysitter!
  
  Jul 7, 2008 at 5:19 am rating: +5
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#2 YourCunt

ummm…expensive gas, asshole boss…how would anyone not want this job.

Jul 6, 2008 at 9:33 pm rating: 0

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#3 zombieBlanco

Must be able to talk and work at the same time.

Cardo’s is clearly practicing hiring discrimination against the mute. Quick, get our cracker-jack team of PAN lawyers-to-be on the case!

Jul 6, 2008 at 9:49 pm rating: +10

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- #3.1 amazon
  
  hmm… the Pizza place is not a Government entity, so Constitutional protections don’t apply. Disability discrimination would be determined under applicable Federal and/or State statute (which, thank god, we don’t need to know for the bar). However, my educated guess is that disability discrimination would have to be based on some sort of bona fide (pronounced fi-dee if you are my professor) occupation qualification in order to be legal. For instance, I’m fairly certain you cannot recover for discrimination if you are blind and a cab company won’t hire you as a driver. So therefore, is “talking” a necessary part of the job?
  
  Jul 7, 2008 at 12:44 am rating: +3
- #3.2 Canthz_B
  
  Let’s say I’m a “handicapped” driver and my personal car is equipped with hand controls.
  Could a cab company be required to similarly equip a taxi for me because of the Americans with Disabilities Act?
  
  Jul 7, 2008 at 5:06 am rating: 0
- #3.3 Another Law Student
  
  De-lurking to answer this since I spent all of the spring semester learning the ADA…
  
  The employer is required to make “reasonable accommodations” for the [potential] employee.
  
  I don’t think equipping a taxi with hand controls would be reasonable, but we’ll just assume that the right attorney could argue otherwise. How’s that for certainty?
  
  And “talking” very well may be considered an “essential job function” for certain jobs…One of the most litigated essential job functions I’ve read about is a employee’s ability to “interact with others,” which is especially interesting in cases with employees having Tourette’s…
  
  Jul 7, 2008 at 7:18 am rating: +2
- #3.4 Mung Bean
  
  One of the most litigated essential job functions I’ve read about is a employee’s ability to “interact with others,” which is especially interesting in cases with employees having Tourette’s…
  
  In some lines of work, an employee with Tourette’s would actually be a real find: US Marine drill sargeant, character actor specializing in the works of David Mamet…
  
  Jul 7, 2008 at 11:24 am rating: +1
- #3.5 tomservo
  
  Go Team Equal Opportunities!
  
  Jul 8, 2008 at 3:25 pm rating: +2
- #3.6 Adhara
  
  *facepalm*
  
  Despite what tabloid TV seems to have led you to believe, Tourette’s syndrome does not equal rampant swearing. What you’re familiar with is properly known as “coprolalia”, and afflicts less than 3% of Tourettic people who have tics (and since not everyone who has TS displays tics, that’s a VERY small number of people).
  
  For example, I squeak and clear my throat a lot. I think that would make me a very poor drill sergeant or infantry soldier, yes? ;p
  
  Jul 21, 2008 at 12:27 am rating: 0
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#4 Lurker

It’s kind of hard to not have a messed-up life on what you make in a pizza parlor.

We should make him a sign that says, “Your mother doesn’t apply to work here.”

Jul 6, 2008 at 9:59 pm rating: +25

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#5 Agent Inspired

As a likely applicant, I would have stopped reading at do not apply.

Jul 6, 2008 at 10:03 pm rating: +11

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#6 Canthz_B

This job requires an “anti-resume”.
A document which details everything that you do not do and will not contribute the the company.

Jul 6, 2008 at 10:03 pm rating: +30

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- #6.1 amazon
  
  To whom it may concern (Casey in Human Resources?):
  
  I would like to apply for a job with your company. I don’t do drugs, read, puke, or wash my hair in the bathroom. I won’t microwave fish or ethnic food. In fact, I promise not to leave time remaining on the microwave. My mother does, indeed, work here. I don’t think that Outback bread is fucking delicious. My ice cream does not give you herpes. I won’t forget to wear a unitard.
  
  Thank you for your consideration.
  
  Sincerely,
  
  Applicant
  
  Jul 7, 2008 at 12:54 am rating: +65
- #6.2 SomeGuyWhoNeverComments
  
  Amazon - nice, very nice. Why do I get the feeling I went to school with you? Did your building (K.H.?) have a statue in the lobby?
  
  Jul 7, 2008 at 12:06 pm rating: 0
- #6.3 possiblyrelated
  
  oh no. sounds like calvin.
  
  Jul 7, 2008 at 12:17 pm rating: 0
- #6.4 amazon
  
  Sorry, SGWNC, “K.H.” and “statue in lobby” don’t ring a bell. As a hint, I went to the university whose mascot is also a condom
  
  Jul 7, 2008 at 8:33 pm rating: 0
- #6.5 SomeGuyWhoNeverComments
  
  L-O-freaking-L
  
  I’m on board.
  
  Jul 7, 2008 at 8:54 pm rating: 0
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#7 Sarah

But I can still steal from the register, right? OK, great.

Jul 6, 2008 at 10:05 pm rating: +22

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#8 Canthz_B

Not the best Italian food in town.
If Cardo was “connected” he wouldn’t have employee problems.

Jul 6, 2008 at 10:07 pm rating: +3

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#9 Quite Contrary

Can I do drugs in the bathroom?
Do you have company potlucks?
And your position on clearing the microwave timer?

Jul 6, 2008 at 10:07 pm rating: +18

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- #9.1 Bunnee
  
  Can I use the computer to read PAN on all day long so I never get any work done?
  
  Jul 7, 2008 at 5:04 pm rating: +5
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#10 toni

How will Graham ever get a job now?

Jul 6, 2008 at 10:43 pm rating: +11

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#11 Southern Girl

If you have to work and talk at the same time, why can’t it be on a cell phone? I am sure many an applicant can hold the cell with their shoulder, talk on it, to the customers, and wait tables all at once!

Jul 6, 2008 at 11:00 pm rating: +2

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- #11.1 Allison
  
  in California now you are required to do hands-free phoning while driving. They can adopt the same type of policy and wear their blue-tooths, and be super-impressive multi-taskers.
  
  Jul 7, 2008 at 1:08 am rating: 0
- #11.2 zombieBlanco
  
  okay, California is strange, but not that strange.
  
  We are still allowed to drive while not talking on the phone.
  
  Jul 7, 2008 at 1:28 am rating: +20
- #11.3 Crash
  
  So now you can eat, drink, shave, apply make-up and talk on the phone ( or not ) while driving all at the same time, huh ?
  
  Jul 7, 2008 at 1:38 am rating: 0
- #11.4 amazon
  
  Yeah, since that new law went into effect, I’ve decided just to text while I’m driving from now on.
  
  Jul 7, 2008 at 1:41 am rating: +8
- #11.5 Crash
  
  What would you text with if not your hand’s…?
  Or do I want to know ???
  
  Jul 7, 2008 at 1:45 am rating: 0
- #11.6 Southern Girl
  
  speaking of Bluetooths, Blueteeth? …. I hate when ppl are in a store near me and are talking on those things, I always think they are talking to me. Of course, most of the time, what they are saying makes no sense to me anyway.
  
  Jul 7, 2008 at 8:44 am rating: +7
- #11.7 RunBarbara
  
  Its still legal to apply make-up, give a handjob, text and eat while driving. Of course, once those things are outlawed I will be out of a job.
  
  Jul 7, 2008 at 10:31 am rating: +5
- #11.8 SomeGuyWhoNeverComments
  
  RunBarbara - SHOTGUN!
  
  Amazon - I refuse to buy a Bluetooth (they don’t work well enough). If I get pulled over I think I just may try to convince the cop I was actually texting while holding the phone near my ear and singing to myself. Would that have any serious PR ramifications?
  
  Jul 7, 2008 at 12:19 pm rating: +4
- #11.9 RunBarbara
  
  guywho, you should officially register your name so that you are able to send messages, etc.
  also, get in line and grab a book. its a busy month for me.
  
  Jul 7, 2008 at 12:42 pm rating: +1
- #11.10 SomeGuyWhoNeverComments
  
  Done, and done. (grabs copy of “War and Peace”)
  
  Jul 7, 2008 at 1:06 pm rating: +2
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#12 Canthz_B

1) I’m not so sure that Cardo wants help.

2) I’m pretty sure that Cardo “needs help”!

Jul 6, 2008 at 11:12 pm rating: +12

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#13 aaa

Well, I’m an insomniac, the kids are working in the coal mines, and my bike is in tip-top condition. Does that mean I get the job?

Jul 6, 2008 at 11:29 pm rating: +8

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#14 aaa

P.S.

I like the reflection of the dude taking the picture. Reminds me of reflectoporn. Which makes me simultaneously vomit and El Oh El out loud.

http://www.snopes.com/photos/risque/kettle.asp

Jul 6, 2008 at 11:29 pm rating: +3

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- #14.1 amazon
  
  Reflectoporn? El Oh El? I must incorporate both of those terms into my vocabulary!
  
  Jul 7, 2008 at 1:01 am rating: +1
- #14.2 zombieBlanco
  
  Reflectoporn? Whatever happened to the traditional oversized trenchcoat?
  
  Jul 7, 2008 at 7:19 pm rating: +1
- #14.3 secondsout
  
  Perhaps it drives up the price of the tea kettle when you sell it on eBay. Say, does the tea kettle come with one of those?
  
  Jul 7, 2008 at 8:17 pm rating: 0
- #14.4 bellabeastie
  
  OMG - sout — I remember that image.
  
  Team THAT will Drive the Price alright.
  
  Where is up to you.
  
  Jul 7, 2008 at 9:58 pm rating: 0
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#15 Abe Froman

The sign might as well read “Cardo’s Pizza is Not Hiring!”

Jul 6, 2008 at 11:31 pm rating: +5

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#16 Delurker

If you “expirience” a flat tire, is it because you’ve passed the “best before” date on them?

Jul 6, 2008 at 11:36 pm rating: +7

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#17 Crash

Well,
that excludes the elderly, the young, the reformed criminals and drug addicts, single parents and vocaly challenged.
So, who’s that leave left that would work at a pizza palor ?

And if someone must be able to talk and work at the same time, what’s the problem with them taling on the cell phone anyway ?

Jul 6, 2008 at 11:55 pm rating: +3

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- #17.1 Crash
  
  *talKing*
  
  Jul 7, 2008 at 12:09 am rating: 0
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#18 TuesdayPillow

That pretty much excludes your typical pizza parlor employee. Is he truly expecting college graduates with ambition or something? Maybe someone with a strong work ethic, someone smart enough to not have gotten pregnant in their teens? How about people that have no police record and can afford to perform regular maintenance on their vehicles?

Those are the people WITH REAL JOBS, CARDO! Open a real business or deal with shitty employees for the rest of your life.

Jul 7, 2008 at 12:00 am rating: +12

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- #18.1 wickedopinion74
  
  Wow, is it hot under that sweeping generalization blanket? Would you like a cold beverage? Oh wait, I work in the food service industry so my hands are probably covered in diaper residue, motor oil, and parking tickets. Better not.
  
  Jul 8, 2008 at 4:01 pm rating: +1
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#19 Sirius

This employer has an effective pre-screening process, ensuring he won’t get any prospective applicants who don’t like working for raging assholes.

Jul 7, 2008 at 12:28 am rating: +7

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#20 Sydney

Shorter PAN: “If life happens to you sometimes, do not apply.”

Jul 7, 2008 at 12:53 am rating: +24

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#21 Jsmoke

Memo to Cardo:

You do know your running a pizza joint right?

Jul 7, 2008 at 2:46 am rating: +3

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#22 Chris

So, basically he is looking for someone who finds his ass with both hands when the lights are out?

Jul 7, 2008 at 3:02 am rating: +4

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#23 prina

he want someone that can bend over and kiss his ass?!

Jul 7, 2008 at 3:17 am rating: +1

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#24 RALPHY

Man-Sounds like this guy actually expects you to do something, like work. No thanks–I’ll stick with my government job.

Jul 7, 2008 at 6:36 am rating: +3

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- #24.1 RunBarbara
  
  “man-sounds”
  
  Jul 7, 2008 at 10:33 am rating: +4
- #24.2 Mishee
  
  AHHHHHH! government job… that explains so much about RALPHY with so few words…
  
  Jul 7, 2008 at 10:39 am rating: +1
- #24.3 bellabeastie
  
  Our tax dollars… sniff.
  
  Please contribute to save the whales and the spelling impaired.
  
  I beg you.
  
  Jul 7, 2008 at 10:03 pm rating: +1
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#25 schrodingersduck

I have no babysitter. I also have no children. Am I still disqualified?

Jul 7, 2008 at 8:36 am rating: +2

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- #25.1 bellabeastie
  
  Yes.
  
  I’m sure you had a flat tire on the way to your Probation Hearing while you were talking on your cell phone and smoking.
  
  Ferggetaboutit. Nope. No pizza palace for you.
  
  Please go and apply for a government job.
  
  Fer crissakes - if they hired Ralphy, you my friend, are a shoe-in.
  
  P.S. ( I heard they hire people even if they oversleep and blame their moms)
  
  Jul 7, 2008 at 11:54 pm rating: +1
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#26 Ryan

Sounds like what was understood to be requirements for the workplace prior to 1998.

I love how the note is structured so that it’s a figurative “finger of scorn” to those who have held the job before….!

Please no applications from those who already applied… This means you, Graham.

THX

Jul 7, 2008 at 8:38 am rating: +8

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- #26.1 anglophile
  
  I had a crazy landlady once (how crazy? one time I saw her wearing a beanie hat with a propeller) who wrote the lease based on things previous tenants had done. Things I coul

painfully polite and hilariously hostile writings from shared spaces the world over

graham, this means you

July 6th, 2008 · 124 comments

124 responses so far ↓