there will come soft pains

July 7th, 2008 · 239 comments

this bit of poetry is brought to us by alex in vancouver, an innocent observer on the scene.

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FILED UNDER: drizzunk · noise · roommates · sleeping · thanks (but not really) · vancouver

'Practice Safe Lunch: Use a Condiment' T-Shirt for Men

'Volunteering: It Doesn't Pay' T-Shirt for Men

239 responses so far ↓

#1 REALESTATE

Huzzah? Seriously?

Jul 7, 2008 at 10:07 pm rating: +5

reply to this comment
- #1.1 SomeGuyWhoNeverComments
  
  Yes, “Huzzah.” *gets out PAN dictionary*
  
  Main Entry:
  huz·zah
  Variant(s):
  or huz·za (?)h?-?zä
  Function:
  noun
  Etymology:
  origin unknown
  Date:
  1573
  
  : an expression or shout of acclaim - often used passive aggressively by renaissance fair-nerds/30 year-old virgins to mean, “fuck you, you douche bag(s).”
  
  Jul 7, 2008 at 10:53 pm rating: +65
- #1.2 Robin Camille
  
  the “huzzah” truly makes this note. it made me smile.
  
  Jul 8, 2008 at 1:33 am rating: +5
- #1.3 Lurker
  
  One doesn’t see enough huzzah anymore.
  
  Jul 8, 2008 at 9:42 am rating: +2
- #1.4 toddspal
  
  God, seriously. I love the word Huzzah. Use it all the time.
  
  This note is HARD. CORE. sarcastic passive aggressive. I can just imagine the author smirking cockily to him/herself as they put on the finishing touches.
  
  Jul 8, 2008 at 10:43 am rating: +10
- #1.5 Canthz_B
  
  *toddspal–snicker*
  
  Jul 8, 2008 at 8:29 pm rating: 0
- #1.6 Amber
  
  I completely and utterly love the word “huzzah.” And I lost your v-card at the renaissance fair.
  
  Jul 9, 2008 at 4:58 pm rating: 0
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#2 zombieBlanco

Having plotted for days, Amy and Carl finally take revenge against Nadia.

Jul 7, 2008 at 10:10 pm rating: +38

reply to this comment
- #2.1 snee
  
  oh, come on! you know carl’s not like that. everybody loves carl.
  
  Jul 7, 2008 at 10:28 pm rating: +17
- #2.2 fink
  
  ZB a.k.a. Gary Larson
  
  Jul 7, 2008 at 11:55 pm rating: +5
- #2.3 zombieBlanco
  
  I would like to state categorically, and for the record, that I did not conduct any ‘research’ with that tramp, Jane Goodall.
  
  Jul 8, 2008 at 10:56 am rating: +8
- #2.4 the amanda
  
  blah blah blah huzzah
  
  Jul 8, 2008 at 6:04 pm rating: 0
- #2.5 Sarcastic Monkey
  
  Even the follow-up is Larson-esque. Nice job zombie!
  
  Jul 8, 2008 at 7:23 pm rating: 0
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#3 Abe Froman

Words cannot express how thankful I am for this incredibly sarcastic note!

I hate the peaceful sound of rain too!

Huzzah!

Jul 7, 2008 at 10:15 pm rating: +22

reply to this comment
#4 Troy McClure

Woah. If part of the problem was plastic wrapper crinklage, I have to wonder if the walls are thick enough.

If you came into my bedroom at 5:30 am, you could hold CrinkleFest 2008 and I’m pretty sure I’d go on sleeping.

Jul 7, 2008 at 10:17 pm rating: +34

reply to this comment
- #4.1 snee
  
  yeah, CrinkleFest 2008 was a bust this year. can you believe it was actually held in some guy’s room???
  
  Jul 7, 2008 at 10:22 pm rating: +56
- #4.2 snee
  
  and the guy? yeah, he just kept on sleeping! okay, well he opened one eye during the opening ceremonies, farted, and rolled over, but that was it!
  
  Jul 7, 2008 at 10:26 pm rating: +10
- #4.3 SomeGuyWhoNeverComments
  
  I scratched my ass, too.
  
  Jul 7, 2008 at 10:56 pm rating: +5
- #4.4 anglophile
  
  I keep crinkling and crinkling the damn condom wrappers, but do you wake up? No, you do not! Typical.
  
  Jul 7, 2008 at 10:57 pm rating: +18
- #4.5 se
  
  you have to put the condoms on him, then crinkle and crinkle. That will wake him up.
  
  Jul 7, 2008 at 11:09 pm rating: +14
- #4.6 SomeGuyWhoNeverComments
  
  Glo, let’s not have this fight again, okay?
  
  Jul 7, 2008 at 11:11 pm rating: +4
- #4.7 Bunnee
  
  I’m going to get in trouble at work for laughing so damn hard at these comments! I think I’ll have my own crinkle-fest tonight!! (Crinkle Fest 2008-A New Beginning)
  
  Jul 8, 2008 at 1:14 pm rating: 0
- #4.8 tomservo
  
  Don’t you dare have CrinkleFest tonight as I can’t make it!
  
  I’m out applying for a job at Cardo’s Pizza (I always get flat tyres but can talk and work at the same time, so what the hell, I might land it…)
  
  Jul 8, 2008 at 3:13 pm rating: +4
- #4.9 KittyKat
  
  Love the name, sweetie. Let’s Have a Patrick Swayze Christmas is one of my all-time favorite christmas songs.
  
  Team MST3K!
  
  Jul 8, 2008 at 3:18 pm rating: 0
- #4.10 wickedopinion74
  
  Oh, Troy….I would come into your bedroom at 4:45 am if there was a chance that CrinkleFest 2008 involved me wrapping you up in that plastic wrap….
  
  Jul 8, 2008 at 3:43 pm rating: 0
- #4.11 Canthz_B
  
  Is there a Cardo’s franchise on the SOL?
  
  Jul 8, 2008 at 3:46 pm rating: 0
- #4.12 Bunnee
  
  @tomservo–when CAN you make it? Although, if you get the job, (and that’s doubtful, because you probably have a life) you’ll smell like pepperoni, so…oh well, it IS supposed to be a New Beginning and all. LOVE mst3k, btw.
  
  Jul 8, 2008 at 4:37 pm rating: 0
- #4.13 MJ
  
  Where can I purchase tickets to Crinklefest 2008, or is it free? I’ll have to remember my q-tips so I can properly enjoy it as I heard the amps are broken.
  
  Jul 9, 2008 at 3:55 pm rating: 0
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#5 Huzzah isa Monster

This note is sooooo lacking in aggression. But is passively great nonetheless.

Team Huzzah!

Jul 7, 2008 at 10:18 pm rating: +1

reply to this comment
- #5.1 jelloegg
  
  Lacking in aggression?! Puh-leeze! This was hilarious!
  
  Jul 8, 2008 at 2:37 pm rating: 0
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#6 snee

bring on the unitard, because…

THAT HUZZAH WAS FUCKING DELICIOUS!

Jul 7, 2008 at 10:19 pm rating: +23

reply to this comment
- #6.1 Cowgirlgraphics
  
  Or: that crinkling paper will taste fucking delicious when I cram it down your throat!
  
  - Team Unitard
  
  Jul 8, 2008 at 1:24 pm rating: +6
- #6.2 jelloegg
  
  Believe it!
  
  Jul 8, 2008 at 2:38 pm rating: 0
- #6.3 My own buisness
  
  I HOPE YOU HAVE ROOM FOR MY CRINKLY WRAPPER BECAUSE I’M GOING TO RAM IT INTO YOUR HUZZAH!
  
  Jul 8, 2008 at 3:36 pm rating: +5
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#7 sprut

Huzzah! I hope the couple gets a friend with a “B.A. in professional writing and linguistics” to critque this note.

Jul 7, 2008 at 10:25 pm rating: +5

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#8 secondsout

The Greater PAN Grammar Nazi Society says: maybe try “does either of you have ESP?” ‘Either’ is a singular. ‘Does’ would be the appropriate modifier.

Man, I’m insufferable, aren’t I?

Jul 7, 2008 at 10:57 pm rating: +9

reply to this comment
- #8.1 zombieBlanco
  
  do we have to answer that?
  
  Jul 7, 2008 at 11:18 pm rating: +7
- #8.2 name
  
  I think you mean: Does we have to answer that?
  
  Jul 8, 2008 at 9:06 am rating: +22
- #8.3 brad
  
  although correct in this instance your rule regarding “either” is flawed. “either” takes the case of the pronoun it represents. It can be singular or plural.
  
  “Either these or those ARE correct.”
  “Either this or that IS correct.”
  
  Sorry…..couldn’t resist.
  
  Jul 9, 2008 at 3:33 am rating: +2
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#9 secondsout

Do you think they were “making food,” or do you think they were cooking? I would think that making food would be something along the lines of growing cucumbers, planting carrot seeds, etc.

Jul 7, 2008 at 11:01 pm rating: +16

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#10 secondsout

So did these guys, including Jim, tie one on the night before, and then get up at 5:30 to have an argument? Damn, these guys are hard-core! Whenever I get drunk enough for people to have a conversation about it, I damn sure don’t get up before 8:00. And really, running around the house at 5:30am? I’d break some ankles at that point.

Jul 7, 2008 at 11:02 pm rating: +2

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#11 secondsout

Does anyone else find it weird that he starts with “words cannot express,” and then goes on to write a lengthy diatribe? I guess words can express.

Jul 7, 2008 at 11:04 pm rating: +38

reply to this comment
- #11.1 Jimmy Straightline
  
  Just like when someone says “it goes without saying” and then gives every detail…
  
  Jul 7, 2008 at 11:08 pm rating: +11
- #11.2 snee
  
  not to mention…”not to mention”.
  
  Jul 7, 2008 at 11:14 pm rating: +30
- #11.3 Quite Contrary
  
  It’s also like when someone writes a note to announce to someone that they they are no longer on speaking terms.
  
  Jul 8, 2008 at 12:41 am rating: +17
- #11.4 Sue Do Nim
  
  not to mention “needless to say.”
  
  Jul 8, 2008 at 3:06 am rating: +10
- #11.5 marcopuffin
  
  and “nothing personal, but…”
  
  Jul 8, 2008 at 8:41 am rating: +6
- #11.6 Shane
  
  or, “to tell you the truth…”
  
  Jul 8, 2008 at 10:06 am rating: +6
- #11.7 Canthz_B
  
  or, “For what it’s worth,…”, “Not to put too fine a point on it”.
  
  Jul 8, 2008 at 10:32 am rating: +5
- #11.8 Mark
  
  or, “I’m not really a racist/sexist/homophobe, but…”
  
  Jul 8, 2008 at 11:01 am rating: +6
- #11.9 pistola
  
  or “I don’t want to be rude, but…”
  
  Jul 8, 2008 at 11:21 am rating: +5
- #11.10 bob
  
  To be honest, those are all, literally, variations on the same theme.
  
  Jul 8, 2008 at 11:41 am rating: +8
- #11.11 amy d
  
  To be fair, bob, they knew that.
  
  Jul 8, 2008 at 12:13 pm rating: +14
- #11.12 Mishee
  
  I don’t want to be rude, Bob, but for what it’s worth (and this totally isn’t personal!) but I think after 10 posts, it’s needless to say that everyone here was aware of that! Not to mention that it goes without saying!
  
  Jul 8, 2008 at 12:17 pm rating: +39
- #11.13 Canthz_B
  
  OMG! Is there really a pattern there, bob?
  How astute you are! Where would we be without you?
  Of course, “I don’t mean that in a bad way”.
  
  Jul 8, 2008 at 12:20 pm rating: +3
- #11.14 KittyKat
  
  Oh look, bob’s the new RALPHY.
  
  Jul 8, 2008 at 12:38 pm rating: +1
- #11.15 jelloegg
  
  Lol. Good one, Mishee.
  
  Jul 8, 2008 at 2:40 pm rating: +1
- #11.16 pistola
  
  “I’m not saying Bob, I’m just saying, you’re a quick one”
  
  Jul 8, 2008 at 3:25 pm rating: +2
- #11.17 redsox rock
  
  Oh a favorite of mine in the South… “Bless Bob’s Heart”
  
  Jul 8, 2008 at 4:57 pm rating: +3
- #11.18 KittyKat
  
  I like that one too. You can call someone’s mama a crack-smoking whore and they might take offense, but if you say “Your mama’s a crack-smoking whore, bless her heart”, it’s all good.
  
  Jul 8, 2008 at 5:18 pm rating: +10
- #11.19 JoeInLA
  
  I’m ashamed of all of you who responded to Bob. You completely missed the fact that Bob began his post with yet another in the long line of quasi-oxymoronic phrases: “To be honest,….” Now go sit in the corner and think about what you did.
  
  Jul 8, 2008 at 6:46 pm rating: +7
- #11.20 Mishee
  
  Joe, I sentence you to 2 hrs in the Unitard for thinking that we didn’t know that already!
  
  Jul 8, 2008 at 6:50 pm rating: +3
- #11.21 Canthz_B
  
  I didn’t miss it. Joe…It just didn’t work well.
  Shame on you for underestimating us.
  
  Jul 8, 2008 at 6:51 pm rating: +2
- #11.22 JoeInLA
  
  Oh. :-$ Nevermind. [goes off to sit in the corner himself]
  
  Jul 8, 2008 at 7:24 pm rating: +1
- #11.23 Canthz_B
  
  LOL.
  It’s ok, JoeinLA. You’ve been around here long enough to know how things get when we need a new note!
  These waters get dangerous when the snark-sharks are hungry!

painfully polite and hilariously hostile writings from shared spaces the world over

there will come soft pains

July 7th, 2008 · 239 comments

239 responses so far ↓