this bit of poetry is brought to us by alex in vancouver, an innocent observer on the scene.
there will come soft pains
July 7th, 2008 · 239 comments
FILED UNDER: drizzunk · noise · roommates · sleeping · thanks (but not really) · vancouver
painfully polite and hilariously hostile writings from shared spaces the world over
- Cop one: Caught him speeding officer. One mile over the prescriptive mile.
Cop two: Book him, just as he was booking us. You know it matters most when it comes to these "Little" Dishonesties.
Cop one: And then what?
Cop two: Book and phylum, of course. Put him in with all the other bi-valves and bottom feeders then throw away the key. This one's fast-tracked for the lower kingdoms. - It’s all about communication. And toilet paper. (118)
- infant tyrone: Ms. Moneypenny: Be a love and contact Jesus’ people for me. Tell them I’m back on for the...
- oi: “long ass, filled with useless crap comment on current topic, completely ignoring the context and or...
- infant tyrone: “complaint that the note isn’t really P-A”
- Critical Grass: “Going back to not so veiled insults, sarcasm and a emoticon to break the awkwardness”...
- Way to use those SAT vocab words!!! (93)
- Cal: Wouldn’t buying the yearbook count as fulfilling normalcy? I mean, everyone buys one, so if you wanted to...
- It’s all about communication. And toilet paper. (118)
- crazy is right
- Losing Lisa
- this is why your server is cranky
- it must have been a pretty big bite
- dearest roommate
- office anthropomorphism
- do the rest of us a favor
- it takes a "genius" to come up with a potluck theme like this one
- untitled (broken glass)
- down and dirty down under (dear)
- to each his own microwave
- Are you there, Margaret? God, could you be any more disgusting?
- your to lazy
- the minor gall, the major rift
- cross-country elevator action
- clip art crimes
- Shittiest secret admirer ever?
- Who's the smartass?
- oh, shit!
- so much for turning the other cheek
- Thank you Terry!
- The Mad Bomber
- Your mother doesn't work here
- Jason's farewell e-mail
- Anytime Stan
- Except Graham
- deeply carved writings
- Hot Pockets
- the unitard
- fucking delicious
- rocket pubes
- Thx Sandra
- lost interest in the project
- Daves 4 life!!!
- graphity
- Keep being awesome!
- the very first post
- Take me to a random post!
Kerry's favorites
- (they match the plastic slipcover on the futon)
- 2good 2b 4gotten
- anthropomorphic dishwasher
- don’t hate the playa
- Encyclopedia Brown and the Case of the Processed Food Fiend
- happy to be of service
- i before e except after c ftw
- I can has guilt trip?
- not a match
- over and over – the warning
- so obsessed that i’m becoming a bore
- The Powerseller of Pompano Beach
- top five musical crimes perpetuated by record store customers
- ultimate office fridge note
- What would Jesus do for a Klondike bar?
- Which one of these is not like the other?
Blogroll
- Awkward Family Photos
- Best of Craigslist (Rants & Raves)
- Cake Wrecks
- Don't Even Reply
- FFFFOUND!
- Found Magazine
- It's Lovely! I'll Take It!
- My Mom is a FOB
- My Very Worst Date
- Post Secret
- Postcards from Yo Momma
- Sexy People
- STFU, Marrieds
- The “Blog” of “Unnecessary” Quotation Marks
- The Awl
- This American Life
- You Suck at Craigslist
"customer service" "helpful" advice bathroom birthday blitzkrieg approach brooklyn california canada CAPS LOCK cleaning clip art catastrophe d.c. dishes dogs e-mail excessive underlining exclamation-point happy! facebook family food frenemies garbage guilt trip heart highlighter holiday spirit hygiene irregular capitalization jesus kitchen los angeles moms & dads money more aggressive than passive neighbors new york noise not-so-veiled threats now that's management odor office office fridge oh snap p.s. parking pleasantries as afterthought questionable logic raging against the machine rebuttals restaurant retail hell roommates san francisco seattle sex sex sex shit signed with love smiley spelling and grammar police stealing thanks (but not really) that shit is disgusting toilet u.k. university virginia whiteboard wtf?
239 responses so far ↓
#1
REALESTATE
Huzzah? Seriously?
Jul 7, 2008 at 10:07 pm rating: +6
#2
zombieBlanco
Having plotted for days, Amy and Carl finally take revenge against Nadia.
Jul 7, 2008 at 10:10 pm rating: +41
#3
Abe Froman
Words cannot express how thankful I am for this incredibly sarcastic note!
I hate the peaceful sound of rain too!
Huzzah!
Jul 7, 2008 at 10:15 pm rating: +23
#4
Troy McClure
Woah. If part of the problem was plastic wrapper crinklage, I have to wonder if the walls are thick enough.
If you came into my bedroom at 5:30 am, you could hold CrinkleFest 2008 and I’m pretty sure I’d go on sleeping.
Jul 7, 2008 at 10:17 pm rating: +36
#5
Huzzah isa Monster
This note is sooooo lacking in aggression. But is passively great nonetheless.
Team Huzzah!
Jul 7, 2008 at 10:18 pm rating: +2
#6
snee
bring on the unitard, because…
THAT HUZZAH WAS FUCKING DELICIOUS!
Jul 7, 2008 at 10:19 pm rating: +24
#7
sprut
Huzzah! I hope the couple gets a friend with a “B.A. in professional writing and linguistics” to critque this note.
Jul 7, 2008 at 10:25 pm rating: +5
#8
secondsout
The Greater PAN Grammar Nazi Society says: maybe try “does either of you have ESP?” ‘Either’ is a singular. ‘Does’ would be the appropriate modifier.
Man, I’m insufferable, aren’t I?
Jul 7, 2008 at 10:57 pm rating: +9
#9
secondsout
Do you think they were “making food,” or do you think they were cooking? I would think that making food would be something along the lines of growing cucumbers, planting carrot seeds, etc.
Jul 7, 2008 at 11:01 pm rating: +17
#10
secondsout
So did these guys, including Jim, tie one on the night before, and then get up at 5:30 to have an argument? Damn, these guys are hard-core! Whenever I get drunk enough for people to have a conversation about it, I damn sure don’t get up before 8:00. And really, running around the house at 5:30am? I’d break some ankles at that point.
Jul 7, 2008 at 11:02 pm rating: +2
#11
secondsout
Does anyone else find it weird that he starts with “words cannot express,” and then goes on to write a lengthy diatribe? I guess words can express.
Jul 7, 2008 at 11:04 pm rating: +39
#12
agirlie
umm, maybe the silver lining was that it was fighting noises and not sex noises he awoke to?? Then again, I suppose sex noises can be soothing to a degree, or at least at some point….
Jul 7, 2008 at 11:04 pm rating: +2
#13
Jimmy Straightline
First of all, I wasn’t even drunk!
Secondly, we weren’t making food loudly – we were making love loudly, and there was food there too. And the crinkling plastic? Sorry bout that, free condoms, you know?
Sincerely,
Jim
Jul 7, 2008 at 11:05 pm rating: +3
#14
Ryan
Dear Crinkle Crinkle,
Thanks so much for your layered noise and thick skin. I adore you so…. I long for your distinct one-of-a-kind sound!
Black Bar
Jul 7, 2008 at 11:12 pm rating: +1
#15
zombieBlanco
*many, many apologies to Sara Teasdale*
There will come soft rain and the smell of the food,
And roommates running with their arguing mood;
And alarms forgotten to sing out the time,
And ________ and _____ who cannot mime;
Extra sensory perception used,
expressing their talent the sounds soon oozed;
And not one will know the weariness, not one
and at last the rain is done.
Not one would mind, neither fridge nor wrapper
tho’ an hour be completely knackered;
And myself, when I awoke post-dawn,
Would give thanks that they had gone.
Jul 7, 2008 at 11:19 pm rating: +25
#16
aaa
Note writer gets 20 points for saying “Huzzah.”
Jul 8, 2008 at 12:04 am rating: +5
#17
amazon
So what’s up with the really long paper?
I’m actually more thrilled with the “yours truly.” That’s how lawyers sign letters when they really want to say “eff you.”
Jul 8, 2008 at 1:45 am rating: +5
#18
Canthz_B
ESP = Efficacious Sleep Prevention
Jul 8, 2008 at 1:58 am rating: +7
#19
Canthz_B
Dear Rain Man,
No ESP in evidence here. That’s why we thought you were still asleep and that we were disturbing no one.
Next time you feel the urge to pull a f’ing “Huzzah”
out of your ass, try doing it when it could actually help you, like during the noise.
Yours truly.
The Crinkling Insomniacs
Jul 8, 2008 at 2:07 am rating: +13
#20
Canthz_B
How did the arguing wake him if he was awake listening peacefully to the rainfall?
Jul 8, 2008 at 2:09 am rating: +3
#21
ALA
crinkle, crinkle little plastic
you people are quite spastic
up around the house pre-dawn
was Jim so drunk, he puked on the lawn?
crinkle crinkle little plastic
as a roommate I am fantastic
(I’m spending 2 weeks with my 2 yr. old niece, hence the nursery rhymes)
Jul 8, 2008 at 5:48 am rating: +12
#22
schrodingersduck
Where does anyone get a single sheet of paper that long? Do paper shops in Vancouver have special discounts on extra-long “unhinged rant” length paper, perhaps?
Jul 8, 2008 at 6:39 am rating: +31
#23
Burghardt
Do they cross their
z’s in Canada? As in “Huzzah”? Is that so we don’t mistake them for twos since so many words are spelled with numbers in between?Jul 8, 2008 at 7:03 am rating: +5
#24
Laura
Most Canadians don’t, I don’t, I think it’s just a personal choice.. I don’t think it’s a nation related thing… but yes, also loved the huzzah! and i definitely know the feeling or complete anger when someone crinkles that plastic wrap for too long… JUST OPEN IT ALREADY!!!
Jul 8, 2008 at 7:22 am rating: +2
#25
claw71
Perosnally I’d expect somebody throwing around words like huzzah to be churning butter at 5:30 in the morning but that’s just me.
Jul 8, 2008 at 8:42 am rating: +16
#26
Lurker
OK, are these rommmates or neighbors? Or are they, like crinkling 5-mil plastic tarpaulins or something?
Makes me remember the time I lived above that crazy chick who spent her days belting out karaoke and her nights sobbing hysterically.
Hail, all hail the poetry of zombieBlanco!
Jul 8, 2008 at 9:46 am rating: +4
#27
DanOhh
Oh the writer is just mad that all that rain has washed out his trip to this years RenFest, Huzzah. Good thing the writer has +5 Passive Aggressive skills in note writing.
Jul 8, 2008 at 10:14 am rating: +10
#28
Quite Contrary
Our beloved writer certainly puts the passive into passive aggressive. Most of us would call “a most wonderful pre-dawn” 5 effin thirty in the morning, god damn it.
Jul 8, 2008 at 10:43 am rating: 0
#29
xindi
A word that slants down at the end of a line is an indication of not preparing ahead, impulsiveness, and possibly even a touch of depression.
Check. Check. Check.
Jul 8, 2008 at 11:14 am rating: 0
#30
treb
Team loud drunks!
I salute anybody who drinks too much and can still get up pre-dawn.
*edited to add “Huzzah!”
Jul 8, 2008 at 11:15 am rating: 0
#31
GhostWriter
Creedence knows a thing or two about stopping the rain.
Woken from my slumber
while rain is comin’ down
Could E-S-P cause it?
“…completely pushed the sound”
Good man, use your talents!
I’m tired of peaceful sounds,
…and the wrapper, silly wrapper
Drowning out the rain
Are you drunk as Jim was?
Sleepin’ shattered, food too loud
Soft refrigerator,
I yearned for your return
Why’d you plan such rudeness?
Wrapper’s sonic pain
Damn the wrapper, silly wrapper
Drowning out the rain
Heard your pre-dawn blaring,
Now I cheer; Huzzah!
‘round the house you galloped,
Tryin’ to keep me up
Noisy rain kept fallin’,
fortunate you’re here.
…and the wrapper, silly wrapper
Drowning out the rain
Jul 8, 2008 at 11:41 am rating: +5
#32
Al
Dear ________,
I am sorry about the crinkling, I tried to pick up your condom wrappers up as fast as I could, but there were so many!
Also, the reason the fridge doesn’t make the noise it used to is because it’s broken. We were “making food” so it wouldn’t spoil.
You’re welcome! We live to serve.
(And in the future, we’ll try to keep our concerns about our alcoholic friend to a dull roar.)
Sincerely yours,
__________ and _________.
Jul 8, 2008 at 11:56 am rating: +2
#33
secondsout
I do sympathize with the PAN writer. Living with roommates can be really annoying when you’re trying to sleep. I had a roommate who would be up way before anyone else. This motherfucker would blow his nose so loud that it woke everyone in the house up. There I am trying to sleep and this asshat is blowing the nose trumpet, and it doesn’t stop. Mind you, this is the same guy who would bitch us out if we were talking after 10pm in the living room on a Friday evening. Then he moved out of the house to join a cult. I wonder if the “guru” of the cult is peaceful enough not to shiv that prick.
Jul 8, 2008 at 12:01 pm rating: +10
#34
Mishee
WTF is this note taped to anyways?
A brushed stainless steel door?
Is Canada that into Shatner they now have Star Trek-esque doors? Do they slide open automatically and make a whoosh noise as they do??
Jul 8, 2008 at 12:59 pm rating: +1
#35
agong
Dear Words Cannot Express,
We’re cats, we crinkle. We chase and we “make” food.
Get over it!
Team Crinkle
Jul 8, 2008 at 1:37 pm rating: 0
#36
Lauren
The comments, and the note is the best thing I’ve ever seen on this site. I laughed out loud so many times.
I wish I coulda got my hands on some tickets for Crinklefest 2008. Oh well. Maybe next year
Jul 8, 2008 at 1:40 pm rating: +1
#37
Lara
You guys all seem to think the noisemakers got up at 5:30. I believe they were still up at 5:30. They had a major case of the munchies as evidenced by their “making food” and prolonged crinkling, which is no doubt evidence of the opening of Twinkie after Twinkie.
I believe there are more substances than alcohol here. They are discussing how drunk Jim was, while both as high as a giraffe ass.
Jul 8, 2008 at 2:00 pm rating: +10
#38
chick
Could the note be written on the back of a receipt? That would explain the printing on the other side, and the extraordinarily long length of the paper – they had just bought a bunch of ingredients to “make food loudly.” And a bunch of twinkies.
Jul 8, 2008 at 2:14 pm rating: 0
#39
SomeGuyWhoNeverComments
deleted – posted to the wrong place.
Jul 8, 2008 at 2:48 pm rating: 0
#40
Amanda
Am I the only one who thinks that Mishee isn’t that funny?
Jul 8, 2008 at 3:11 pm rating: +7
#41
Canthz_B
Hey, Bella, nice avatar. Is it new? I don’t recall seeing you in MBL before.
Jul 8, 2008 at 3:49 pm rating: 0
#42
Sofar
You know, as a heavy sleeper, there’s no one I can tolerate less then someone who can’t stand being woken up.
Jul 8, 2008 at 4:12 pm rating: 0
#43
Candice
I’d like to know where one finds a 3-foot-long piece of paper.
Jul 8, 2008 at 4:53 pm rating: 0
#44
Timo
I remember as a small child my parents took me to Crinklefest. Oh it was so great. I danced naked in the rain and the mud. It was one of those childhood memories I can never forget. I engage in pre-dawn shouty spice discussions of it with my friends as we make food. Food which is richly crafted from fine Corinthian leather.
Jul 8, 2008 at 5:35 pm rating: +4
#45
Alpha Beta
OMG, play these both together, and GO BACKWARDS IN TIME:
http://www.khaaan.com/
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vIL3fbGbU2o
Jul 8, 2008 at 9:31 pm rating: 0
#46
ALA
PAN Goddess, I beseech thee: new note please. A new note will get you a resounding ‘HUZZAH.’
Jul 8, 2008 at 10:18 pm rating: 0
#47
misterpain
Ricardo’s Cordoba commercials were so succesful, they resulted in the extinction of the Corinthian.
Jul 9, 2008 at 5:47 am rating: +1
#48
MW
Oh come on folks, we all know they were really just cooking crack and hadn’t gone to bed yet.
Jul 9, 2008 at 3:57 pm rating: 0
#49 the two-word compromise you’re looking for: zip wire | passive-aggressive (and just plain aggressive) notes
[...] there will come soft pains digg_skin = ‘compact’; reddit! stumble it! function fbs_click() { [...]
Aug 3, 2008 at 2:04 am rating: 0
#50
HopefulNebula
Team note-writer. I have sensory problems of my own, and I’ve had to deal with the same sort of shit.
Aug 3, 2008 at 3:09 am rating: 0
Leave a Comment