the womb that would birth a thousand excuses

July 8th, 2008 · 212 comments

the most irritating part of finding this note propped on her keyboard, says jackie in philly, is that she wasn’t the person who requested dark chocolate in the office vending machine. “in fact, i can’t stand the stuff!” (in that case…hello, shower gift?)

related: bun — er, — pizza in the oven

EMAIL THIS POST TO A PAL!

FILED UNDER: office · philadelphia · preggers · smiley

212 responses so far ↓

#1 zombieBlanco

Hi! My name is zombieBlanco, and I’m a chocoholic. Not long ago I would do anything to get a ‘fix’. I’m embarrassed to admit that I would run over little old ladies to get to a hershey bar. One time I even used the pregnant woman at my office as a cover to ream another employee about chocolate she ordered for the vending machine.

Jul 8, 2008 at 10:23 pm rating: +22

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- #1.1 Canthz_B
  
  I didn’t know you were into that zB!
  
  Nice edit. I shake my “fist” at you!!
  
  Jul 8, 2008 at 10:29 pm rating: 0
- #1.2 secondsout
  
  The Onion has a good article entitled, “I’m like a chocoholic, but for booze.” Good read, that one.
  
  Jul 8, 2008 at 10:53 pm rating: +6
- #1.3 Rufus T. Firefly
  
  Yah, I, too, know what it like to be addicted to … chocohol.
  
  Jul 8, 2008 at 11:50 pm rating: +6
- #1.4 Joanne
  
  Ummm, is that note on toilet papaer???
  
  Jul 9, 2008 at 12:15 pm rating: +1
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#2 Canthz_B

Don’t they allow pregnant people inside of candy stores in Philly?
It may be the City of Brotherly love, but they sure dis a Sista!

Jul 8, 2008 at 10:25 pm rating: +1

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#3 Mandy

Because chocolate takes up that much space? Or are they buying Costco size boxes of the stuff?

Jul 8, 2008 at 10:26 pm rating: 0

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- #3.1 zombieBlanco
  
  valuable space!
  
  Jul 8, 2008 at 10:30 pm rating: +3
- #3.2 TiredofIt
  
  Maybe it’s an itsy-bitsy, teeny-weeny refrigerator.
  
  Jul 8, 2008 at 10:31 pm rating: +1
- #3.3 Canthz_B
  
  It’s a vending machine.
  
  Jul 8, 2008 at 10:34 pm rating: +9
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#4 Lane J

Umm…I might be totally off here, but don’t all gas stations sell chocolate? Buy your daily fix on your way to work in the morning!

Jul 8, 2008 at 10:30 pm rating: +5

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- #4.1 Canthz_B
  
  I don’t think they have gas stations in the subway.
  
  Jul 8, 2008 at 10:37 pm rating: +4
- #4.2 sigmund
  
  Sometimes a gas station is just a gas station
  
  Jul 8, 2008 at 11:01 pm rating: +14
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#5 TiredofIt

I couldn’t live someone who thought dark chocolate wasn’t the food of the gods.

Move out!

Jul 8, 2008 at 10:32 pm rating: +10

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- #5.1 Canthz_B
  
  It’s the office.
  
  Jul 8, 2008 at 10:35 pm rating: +5
- #5.2 zombieBlanco
  
  TiredofIt: I would so beat someone who left a note like that on my door.
  
  CB: It’s her computer.
  
  Jul 8, 2008 at 10:40 pm rating: +10
- #5.3 Canthz_B
  
  It’s the keyboard!
  
  Tee Hee
  
  Jul 8, 2008 at 10:46 pm rating: +1
- #5.4 secondsout
  
  Actually, it just says keyboard. Perhaps she’s a musician. Not likely, but possibly…
  
  Jul 8, 2008 at 10:50 pm rating: +1
- #5.5 Mark
  
  I bet she’s a locksmith, with lots of keys attached to a board.
  
  Jul 9, 2008 at 11:11 am rating: +11
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#6 Quite Contrary

They call out the offender (that’s you, Jackie), AND the “pregnant person’s” gender remains protected. Huzzah!

And the note is on a napkin! Double huzzah!

PS Points deleted since the note was not on a cocktail napkin.

Jul 8, 2008 at 10:35 pm rating: +16

reply to this comment
- #6.1 Zsa
  
  Since this is Philly, you can safely say “pregnant lady”. Only in Oregon do we have a pregnant man.
  
  Jul 8, 2008 at 10:39 pm rating: +9
- #6.2 Wade
  
  Bonus points for using a Georgia-Pacific Acclaim C Fold Paper Towel from the office washroom.
  
  Jul 8, 2008 at 10:43 pm rating: +26
- #6.3 fink
  
  portrait-style
  
  Jul 8, 2008 at 11:33 pm rating: +9
- #6.4 Crash
  
  Hey Zsa !!
  He had a baby girl too…named her terry,
  I think,
  which his HErSHEy’s original name.
  
  Jul 9, 2008 at 12:14 am rating: +5
- #6.5 Crash
  
  Damnit !
  I ment is, not his in my last sentence.
  
  Jul 9, 2008 at 1:08 am rating: 0
- #6.6 harmonicpies
  
  Minus points for failure to plan. The gratuitous space wastage at the start of the note gradually tapers to a mean and unimpressive finale. It would have been far more effective, and more aesthetically pleasing, had the pregnant person taped a second napkin to the bottom of the first.
  
  Jul 9, 2008 at 1:33 am rating: +22
- #6.7 Joe
  
  Zsa: I don’t think a woman who has had surgery to get some flesh grafted on counts as a man. At least not in my book. I wish the news would stop reporting the story as a pregnant man.
  
  Jul 9, 2008 at 9:06 am rating: +16
- #6.8 tinkerbell2
  
  Mm, kind of a tricky area of gender politics to dip your toe into, Joe, and I’m not sure transgender people give a fig about your ‘book’. The way I heard it he would have had the full surgery, but it transpired his partner couldn’t have children so he decided to wait a while so that one of them could bear their child. It must have been very difficult for him. Sorry to be humourless, but if it makes YOU feel uncomfortable imagine how HE must feel.
  
  Jul 9, 2008 at 1:34 pm rating: +13
- #6.9 Canthz_B
  
  There is a reason it’s called cosmetic surgery.
  
  Jul 9, 2008 at 1:53 pm rating: +5
- #6.10 Joe
  
  I don’t want to delve into the emotional, political, or social aspects of it, tink. I’m just talking biologically. Take a DNA sample and get the results back to me — in particular, the 23rd pair.
  
  Jul 9, 2008 at 7:19 pm rating: +7
- #6.11 Kelly G
  
  I just have to say something here: Do you actually know what chromosomes you have? Have you actually had them checked to see what sex you are? Most likely not. Did you know 1 in 20,000 men have XX chromosomes? They never know until they find they are infertile. They’re still considered to be men. In addition, we all start off the same in the womb - it is a wash of chemicals that turn on certain genes that turn us into what society deems “male” or “female” - and who is to say what can affect that chemical bath in the womb to lead to something like Gender Identity Disorder?
  Are men who have had their genitals removed due to cancer less of men? No, they’re still men. Or what about hermaphrodites? Or those with ambiguous genitalia? Are they “less” of whatever gender they choose to live as? Or what if they are given a sex - and they figure out it’s the wrong one - what then?
  I highly suggest you do a bit more reading before you take on an entire category of people to offend who are too afraid to represent themselves often because of the extreme hatred they face. Becoming a Visible Man by Jamison Green is a great book. All because we like to pretend that science is fact doesn’t mean it is - it’s all theory, the same that gender is a theory. In the end, it ISN’T about chromosomes OR biology, but treating other people’s differences with respect. If you would like to know more about what it means to be transgendered, you can email me since this isn’t the best forum to continue a discussion such as this.
  
  Jul 11, 2008 at 11:58 am rating: +5
- #6.12 Canthz_B
  
  Interesting.
  “I’ll lay out my position and opinion here, but don’t answer me here, ok?”
  
  There is a difference between genetic mutation and elective surgery and you’re comparing apples and oranges.
  
  Jul 11, 2008 at 12:20 pm rating: +2
- #6.13 Amy
  
  If you think transgender can be summed up as “elective surgery” you definitely need to learn more before chiming in on the subject.
  
  Joe saw fit to define people’s sex by their chromosomes. This is very ignorant, and Kelly correctly informed him that it would yield some surprises, as many people’s chromosomes don’t match the identities they’ve had all their lives and not questioned. A good job of answering apples with apples, IMO.
  
  Jul 20, 2008 at 11:58 pm rating: 0
- #6.14 Canthz_B
  
  I summed up trans-gender surgery as elective surgery, which it is. Not someone being trans-gender.
  
  I clearly stated that comparing genetics and surgery is comparing apples and oranges.
  
  Please read before you chime in.
  
  Jul 21, 2008 at 12:09 am rating: 0
- #6.15 Canthz_B
  
  Kelly G– “Are men who have had their genitals removed due to cancer less of men? No, they’re still men.”
  
  I agree with Kelly:
  
  Are men who have had their genitals surgically altered to function as female genitalia now women? No, they’re still men.
  
  I won’t even get into the men who have sex change operations and live as lesbians or the women that have the operation and live as gay men.
  
  Jul 21, 2008 at 12:16 am rating: 0
- #6.16 Amy
  
  Thanks for clarifying. I think you are missing one of my points, though, which is that “elective surgery” is a rather cavalier way to refer to something as fundamental as changing one’s genitals to match one’s gender identity.
  
  Your next statement, “I won’t even get into the men who have sex change operations and live as lesbians or the women that have the operation and live as gay men,” seems even more confused about transgender. It assumes that the reason (the only legitimate reason?) for someone to change sex is so that he/she can now find the correct (to you?) gender sexually desirable. It was once common to assume that if a man wanted to have sex with men, he was somehow confused in his gender identity. I suppose if someone still thinks that, then they might also think that a man who wants to have sex with women stops wanting to if he becomes a woman himself. I can’t see the logic. Sexual orientation and gender identity are separate issues, albeit entwined.
  
  Maybe the trouble starts when people start making up rules for other people’s definitions of their own gender and orientation.
  
  Jul 23, 2008 at 8:29 am rating: 0
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#7 Only eat the GOOD chocolate

Geez, Miss Smiley Face (I just HATE smiley face signatures, don’t you?) don’t you know that dark chocolate IS the good chocolate, and if either you are (or are best friends with) the pregnant chick, for chrissakes give that baby some nutrition with her chocolate!

Jul 8, 2008 at 10:38 pm rating: +18

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- #7.1 SomeGuyWhoNeverComments
  
  Who is this Chris? I am intrigued by his ideas and I would consider joining his religion. I want to know more.
  
  Jul 8, 2008 at 11:46 pm rating: +12
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#8 Canthz_B

Any true chocolate craver (pregnant or not) keeps a supply handy and would never be left to the tender mercies of a vending machine.

Jul 8, 2008 at 10:42 pm rating: +29

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- #8.1 se
  
  I say huzzah to that
  yes,I know, QC used the term in #6, but this statement deserved one of its own
  
  Jul 8, 2008 at 10:45 pm rating: +3
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#9 secondsout

Maybe once the person is done wolfing down the candy bar, she can wipe her face with the note. Many of the notes deserve wiping one’s face or ass on them, but this one really makes it happen.

Jul 8, 2008 at 10:46 pm rating: +6

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- #9.1 Canthz_B
  
  This must be one of those offices that keeps the post-it note pads under strict lock and key and rations them.
  
  What happened to Crash’s comment?
  Oh well, read this as attached to Wade’s paper towel at #6.2
  
  Jul 8, 2008 at 10:51 pm rating: +6
- #9.2 secondsout
  
  and sets limits on the number of things that can be touched on one’s desk.
  
  Jul 8, 2008 at 10:54 pm rating: 0
- #9.3 Quite Contrary
  
  And it’s a quilted paper towel, no less. How nice for the wipee.
  
  It makes me wonder if there are decorative paper towels…that are not allowed to be touched in any way.
  
  Jul 9, 2008 at 12:20 am rating: +4
- #9.4 Crash
  
  C.B.
  How’d you know I was going to comment on this note ??
  
  Jul 9, 2008 at 2:16 am rating: 0
- #9.5 Canthz_B
  
  There was a comment that I was responding to at 9.1 by you that asked if the note was on a paper towel.
  When I hit submit your comment was gone and 2nds had #9.
  
  Heisa stalks the night.
  
  Jul 9, 2008 at 2:27 am rating: +1
- #9.6 fantasy
  
  Quite Contrary ,
  
  You must mean decoration towels. Those are the ones that you should never use.
  
  Jul 9, 2008 at 8:11 am rating: +1
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#10 secondsout

Jackie should feed the dark chocolate to the PAN writer’s dog.

Jul 8, 2008 at 10:49 pm rating: +5

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- #10.1 shadow
  
  Why kill an innocent dog?
  
  Jul 14, 2008 at 9:42 am rating: 0
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#11 secondsout

Does the vending machine dispense ice cream and pickles, too?

Jul 8, 2008 at 10:57 pm rating: +14

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#12 SomeGuyWhoNeverComments

Wow, this office is a riddle, wrapped in a mystery, inside an enigma, in a crispy taco shell.

First, if our note writer thinks Jackie likes the black cock, and requested some, why is she so shy that she has to use euphemisms? Second, is this where the pregnant man works? Third, if there is a horny pregnant person at the office that “needs” cock, why does the cage, which people apparently think Jackie keeps for the blacks she purportedly called for, prevent the pregnant person from keeping their supply of man-meat in the office? Fourth, does the black cock really taste that much different from mine? I thought chocolate v. vanilla was a matter of opinion. Finally, is sexual slavery really something to be smiling about?

Oh, and have the paper supplies at this office reached such a crisis point that they are reduced to using paper towels, or does our note writer just work as the bathroom attendant?

An investigation needs to be launched regarding these issues – immediately!

Jul 8, 2008 at 10:57 pm rating: +18

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- #12.1 sadi
  
  If you run out of paper towels while writing your notes, please see Casey in Human Resources.
  
  Jul 9, 2008 at 11:07 am rating: +8
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#13 Canthz_B

You made the vender put dark chocolate in there.
Thought only of yourself, girl that just wasn’t fair.
You’ve had it your way,
Now it’s reckoning day so Eat it!
Eat it, eat it, eat it.
Eat it! Eat it!
‘Cause the pregnant girl feels cheated.
You’re taking up space,
Girl, she’ll razor your face so eat it!
Eat it, eat it, eat it!

Jul 8, 2008 at 11:15 pm rating: +19

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- #13.1 Jsmoke
  
  Wasn’t that a Wierd Al song for real?
  
  Jul 9, 2008 at 9:35 am rating: 0
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#14 wright

As my sister once said: “Chocolate: the other dark meat.”

Perhaps Jackie could leave a coil of her “special” chocolate on the PAN author’s desk and blame it on the latter’s dog…

Jul 8, 2008 at 11:25 pm rating: +2

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- #14.1 snee
  
  that coil of “special” chocolate was fucki–no, wait!
  
  nevermind.
  
  Jul 8, 2008 at 11:30 pm rating: +15
- #14.2 Summer
  
  fucking delicious hahahahahahahahahaha!
  
  Jul 9, 2008 at 9:50 am rating: 0
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#15 Martin Heidegger

Jesus, this is pregnant passive-aggressiveness if I’ve ever seen it.

Yes ladies, I know that gestation can be a difficult thing for you, and that you also find it very beautiful. In some senses, it is. But… and this is a big but… the fact that you are pregnant does not give you license to bitch at everyone who isn’t carrying a lovely little being inside them.

I suppose that this is passive-aggressive too. It may well be, and for that I guess I apologize. But if I become pregnant — yeah, another pregnant man, and I am seriously able to do that — then you’re not going to see me bitching about the dark chocolate. Honestly. Hormones are powerful, but estrogen (and testosterone) don’t flip the bitch switch.

Jul 8, 2008 at 11:44 pm rating: +21

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- #15.1 Quite Contrary
  
  I think we need to add “I guess I apologize” to the list of quasi-oxymoronic phrases preceding a comment that contradicts the phrase.
  
  Just a small point. And bless your heart, Martin.
  
  Jul 9, 2008 at 12:26 am rating: +15
- #15.2 agirlie
  
  you mean big “butt” actually right, cuz I am pregnant and my ass is going to needs it’s own postal code soon….
  
  Jul 9, 2008 at 1:59 am rating: +1
- #15.3 secretrebel
  
  Way to generalise from a specific example there, dude.
  
  Jul 9, 2008 at 4:46 am rating: +2
- #15.4 Lurker
  
  Oh, secret, I was going to say it if Martin hadn’t. Team Unpregnant People Are Not Second-Class Citizens!
  
  Jul 9, 2008 at 8:50 am rating: +14
- #15.5 Joe
  
  For real, yo. You’d think that failure to protect oneself would be punished, not rewarded. All the bitch did was get knocked up. I could do th–
  
  No, wait. I couldn’t. But I could do that to any lovely ladies here looking for a good time.
  
  (And better parking spaces at the mall. And preferential treatment basically wherever they go.)
  
  Jul 9, 2008 at 9:14 am rating: +4
- #15.6 djr
  
  And the right to bitch about vending machine space.
  
  Jul 9, 2008 at 12:13 pm rating: +2
- #15.7 Canthz_B
  
  Joe…What?!
  A married woman should be punished for starting a family with her husband?
  Your comment, though hopefully intended in jest, is disturbing if your world-view can only envision “illegitimate” pregnancies.
  
  Jul 9, 2008 at 1:44 pm rating: +5
- #15.8 Canthz_B
  
  Actually, the “bitch switch” is often “flipped” during pregnancy. There are numerous chemical changes which occur in a woman’s body and the brain is affected by these chemicals.
  While some bitchiness is personal (I’m pregnant=I’m special), other bitchiness is actual personality change. Sometimes bordering on or even surpassing the line between rational and irrational thought.
  
  Jul 9, 2008 at 7:17 pm rating: +1
- #15.9 amy d
  
  Hold on there, CB. What caused the pregnancy that flipped the “bitch switch”? A dick. Therefore men are the dicks that flip the bitch switch.
  
  Jul 9, 2008 at 7:23 pm rating: +9
- #15.10 Joe
  
  CB: Yes, I was jesting. Maybe I went a little too far with the “punish” part. I certainly don’t envision a world where only illegitimate pregnancies occur, nor did I mean to imply that must have happened in this case. I only really meant the latter half of that statement — that it shouldn’t instantly make you above everyone else. (When I become a father to be, I’ll dote on my wife for sure, but I don’t think everyone should be made to cater to her.)
  
  Yeah, it appears this is an entitlement issue. But we see that here just about every day.
  
  Jul 9, 2008 at 7:26 pm rating: +2

painfully polite and hilariously hostile writings from shared spaces the world over

the womb that would birth a thousand excuses

July 8th, 2008 · 212 comments

212 responses so far ↓