The womb that would birth a thousand excuses

July 8th, 2008 · 214 comments

The most irritating part of finding this note propped on her keyboard, says Jackie in Philly, is that she wasn’t the person who requested dark chocolate in the office vending machine. “In fact, I can’t stand the stuff!” (In that case…hello, baby shower gift?)

Hi Jackie, Since you requested the dark chocolate, please eat it. The pregnant person needs chocolate & your bars are taking up valuable space for GOOD TASTING chocolate. :)

related: Bun — er, — pizza in the oven

FILED UNDER: office · Philadelphia · preggers · smiley · vending machine drama


214 responses so far ↓

  • #1   zombieBlanco bang

    Hi! My name is zombieBlanco, and I’m a chocoholic. Not long ago I would do anything to get a ‘fix’. I’m embarrassed to admit that I would run over little old ladies to get to a hershey bar. One time I even used the pregnant woman at my office as a cover to ream another employee about chocolate she ordered for the vending machine.

    Jul 8, 2008 at 10:23 pm   rating: 29  small thumbs up

    • #1.1   Canthz_B bang

      I didn’t know you were into that zB! :oops:

      Nice edit. I shake my “fist” at you!! :-P

      Jul 8, 2008 at 10:29 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #1.2   secondsout bang

      The Onion has a good article entitled, “I’m like a chocoholic, but for booze.” Good read, that one.

      Jul 8, 2008 at 10:53 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

       
    • #1.3   Rufus T. Firefly

      Yah, I, too, know what it like to be addicted to … chocohol.

      Jul 8, 2008 at 11:50 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

       
    • #1.4   Joanne

      Ummm, is that note on toilet papaer???

      Jul 9, 2008 at 12:15 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #2   Canthz_B bang

    Don’t they allow pregnant people inside of candy stores in Philly?
    It may be the City of Brotherly love, but they sure dis a Sista! ;-)

    Jul 8, 2008 at 10:25 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

     
  • #3   Mandy

    Because chocolate takes up that much space? Or are they buying Costco size boxes of the stuff?

    Jul 8, 2008 at 10:26 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #3.1   zombieBlanco bang

      valuable space!

      Jul 8, 2008 at 10:30 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #3.2   TiredofIt

      Maybe it’s an itsy-bitsy, teeny-weeny refrigerator.

      Jul 8, 2008 at 10:31 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #3.3   Canthz_B bang

      It’s a vending machine.

      Jul 8, 2008 at 10:34 pm   rating: 9  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #4   Lane J

    Umm…I might be totally off here, but don’t all gas stations sell chocolate? Buy your daily fix on your way to work in the morning!

    Jul 8, 2008 at 10:30 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

    • #4.1   Canthz_B bang

      I don’t think they have gas stations in the subway.

      Jul 8, 2008 at 10:37 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #4.2   sigmund

      Sometimes a gas station is just a gas station

      Jul 8, 2008 at 11:01 pm   rating: 14  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #5   TiredofIt

    I couldn’t live someone who thought dark chocolate wasn’t the food of the gods.

    Move out!

    Jul 8, 2008 at 10:32 pm   rating: 14  small thumbs up

    • #5.1   Canthz_B bang

      It’s the office.

      Jul 8, 2008 at 10:35 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
    • #5.2   zombieBlanco bang

      TiredofIt: I would so beat someone who left a note like that on my door.

      CB: It’s her computer.

      Jul 8, 2008 at 10:40 pm   rating: 11  small thumbs up

       
    • #5.3   Canthz_B bang

      It’s the keyboard!

      Tee Hee :-)

      Jul 8, 2008 at 10:46 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #5.4   secondsout bang

      Actually, it just says keyboard. Perhaps she’s a musician. Not likely, but possibly…

      Jul 8, 2008 at 10:50 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #5.5   Mark bang

      I bet she’s a locksmith, with lots of keys attached to a board.

      Jul 9, 2008 at 11:11 am   rating: 19  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #6   Quite Contrary

    They call out the offender (that’s you, Jackie), AND the “pregnant person’s” gender remains protected. Huzzah!

    And the note is on a napkin! Double huzzah!

    PS Points deleted since the note was not on a cocktail napkin.

    Jul 8, 2008 at 10:35 pm   rating: 20  small thumbs up

    • #6.1   Zsa bang

      Since this is Philly, you can safely say “pregnant lady”. Only in Oregon do we have a pregnant man.

      Jul 8, 2008 at 10:39 pm   rating: 12  small thumbs up

       
    • #6.2   Wade bang

      Bonus points for using a Georgia-Pacific Acclaim C Fold Paper Towel from the office washroom.

      Jul 8, 2008 at 10:43 pm   rating: 29  small thumbs up

       
    • #6.3   fink

      portrait-style

      Jul 8, 2008 at 11:33 pm   rating: 11  small thumbs up

       
    • #6.4   Crash bang

      Hey Zsa !!
      He had a baby girl too…named her terry,
      I think,
      which his HErSHEy’s original name.

      Jul 9, 2008 at 12:14 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
    • #6.5   Crash bang

      Damnit !
      I ment is, not his in my last sentence. :|

      Jul 9, 2008 at 1:08 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #6.6   harmonicpies bang

      Minus points for failure to plan. The gratuitous space wastage at the start of the note gradually tapers to a mean and unimpressive finale. It would have been far more effective, and more aesthetically pleasing, had the pregnant person taped a second napkin to the bottom of the first.

      Jul 9, 2008 at 1:33 am   rating: 26  small thumbs up

       
    • #6.7   Joe bang

      Zsa: I don’t think a woman who has had surgery to get some flesh grafted on counts as a man. At least not in my book. I wish the news would stop reporting the story as a pregnant man.

      Jul 9, 2008 at 9:06 am   rating: 18  small thumbs up

       
    • #6.8   tinkerbell2

      Mm, kind of a tricky area of gender politics to dip your toe into, Joe, and I’m not sure transgender people give a fig about your ‘book’. The way I heard it he would have had the full surgery, but it transpired his partner couldn’t have children so he decided to wait a while so that one of them could bear their child. It must have been very difficult for him. Sorry to be humourless, but if it makes YOU feel uncomfortable imagine how HE must feel.

      Jul 9, 2008 at 1:34 pm   rating: 23  small thumbs up

       
    • #6.9   Canthz_B bang

      There is a reason it’s called cosmetic surgery.

      Jul 9, 2008 at 1:53 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
    • #6.10   Joe bang

      I don’t want to delve into the emotional, political, or social aspects of it, tink. I’m just talking biologically. Take a DNA sample and get the results back to me — in particular, the 23rd pair.

      Jul 9, 2008 at 7:19 pm   rating: 9  small thumbs up

       
    • #6.11   Kelly G

      I just have to say something here: Do you actually know what chromosomes you have? Have you actually had them checked to see what sex you are? Most likely not. Did you know 1 in 20,000 men have XX chromosomes? They never know until they find they are infertile. They’re still considered to be men. In addition, we all start off the same in the womb – it is a wash of chemicals that turn on certain genes that turn us into what society deems “male” or “female” – and who is to say what can affect that chemical bath in the womb to lead to something like Gender Identity Disorder?
      Are men who have had their genitals removed due to cancer less of men? No, they’re still men. Or what about hermaphrodites? Or those with ambiguous genitalia? Are they “less” of whatever gender they choose to live as? Or what if they are given a sex – and they figure out it’s the wrong one – what then?
      I highly suggest you do a bit more reading before you take on an entire category of people to offend who are too afraid to represent themselves often because of the extreme hatred they face. Becoming a Visible Man by Jamison Green is a great book. All because we like to pretend that science is fact doesn’t mean it is – it’s all theory, the same that gender is a theory. In the end, it ISN’T about chromosomes OR biology, but treating other people’s differences with respect. If you would like to know more about what it means to be transgendered, you can email me since this isn’t the best forum to continue a discussion such as this.

      Jul 11, 2008 at 11:58 am   rating: 17  small thumbs up

       
    • #6.12   Canthz_B bang

      Interesting.
      “I’ll lay out my position and opinion here, but don’t answer me here, ok?”

      There is a difference between genetic mutation and elective surgery and you’re comparing apples and oranges.

      Jul 11, 2008 at 12:20 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
    • #6.13   Amy

      If you think transgender can be summed up as “elective surgery” you definitely need to learn more before chiming in on the subject.

      Joe saw fit to define people’s sex by their chromosomes. This is very ignorant, and Kelly correctly informed him that it would yield some surprises, as many people’s chromosomes don’t match the identities they’ve had all their lives and not questioned. A good job of answering apples with apples, IMO.

      Jul 20, 2008 at 11:58 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

       
    • #6.14   Canthz_B bang

      I summed up trans-gender surgery as elective surgery, which it is. Not someone being trans-gender.

      I clearly stated that comparing genetics and surgery is comparing apples and oranges.

      Please read before you chime in.

      Jul 21, 2008 at 12:09 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #6.15   Canthz_B bang

      Kelly G– “Are men who have had their genitals removed due to cancer less of men? No, they’re still men.”

      I agree with Kelly:

      Are men who have had their genitals surgically altered to function as female genitalia now women? No, they’re still men.

      I won’t even get into the men who have sex change operations and live as lesbians or the women that have the operation and live as gay men.

      Jul 21, 2008 at 12:16 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #6.16   Amy

      Thanks for clarifying. I think you are missing one of my points, though, which is that “elective surgery” is a rather cavalier way to refer to something as fundamental as changing one’s genitals to match one’s gender identity.

      Your next statement, “I won’t even get into the men who have sex change operations and live as lesbians or the women that have the operation and live as gay men,” seems even more confused about transgender. It assumes that the reason (the only legitimate reason?) for someone to change sex is so that he/she can now find the correct (to you?) gender sexually desirable. It was once common to assume that if a man wanted to have sex with men, he was somehow confused in his gender identity. I suppose if someone still thinks that, then they might also think that a man who wants to have sex with women stops wanting to if he becomes a woman himself. I can’t see the logic. Sexual orientation and gender identity are separate issues, albeit entwined.

      Maybe the trouble starts when people start making up rules for other people’s definitions of their own gender and orientation.

      Jul 23, 2008 at 8:29 am   rating: 8  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #7   Only eat the GOOD chocolate

    Geez, Miss Smiley Face (I just HATE smiley face signatures, don’t you?) don’t you know that dark chocolate IS the good chocolate, and if either you are (or are best friends with) the pregnant chick, for chrissakes give that baby some nutrition with her chocolate!

    Jul 8, 2008 at 10:38 pm   rating: 20  small thumbs up

    • #7.1   SomeGuyWhoNeverComments bang

      Who is this Chris? I am intrigued by his ideas and I would consider joining his religion. I want to know more.

      Jul 8, 2008 at 11:46 pm   rating: 15  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #8   Canthz_B bang

    Any true chocolate craver (pregnant or not) keeps a supply handy and would never be left to the tender mercies of a vending machine.

    Jul 8, 2008 at 10:42 pm   rating: 31  small thumbs up

    • #8.1   se

      I say huzzah to that
      yes,I know, QC used the term in #6, but this statement deserved one of its own

      Jul 8, 2008 at 10:45 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #9   secondsout bang

    Maybe once the person is done wolfing down the candy bar, she can wipe her face with the note. Many of the notes deserve wiping one’s face or ass on them, but this one really makes it happen.

    Jul 8, 2008 at 10:46 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

    • #9.1   Canthz_B bang

      This must be one of those offices that keeps the post-it note pads under strict lock and key and rations them.

      What happened to Crash’s comment?
      Oh well, read this as attached to Wade’s paper towel at #6.2

      Jul 8, 2008 at 10:51 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
    • #9.2   secondsout bang

      and sets limits on the number of things that can be touched on one’s desk.

      Jul 8, 2008 at 10:54 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #9.3   Quite Contrary

      And it’s a quilted paper towel, no less. How nice for the wipee.

      It makes me wonder if there are decorative paper towels…that are not allowed to be touched in any way.

      Jul 9, 2008 at 12:20 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #9.4   Crash bang

      C.B.
      How’d you know I was going to comment on this note ?? :?

      Jul 9, 2008 at 2:16 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #9.5   Canthz_B bang

      There was a comment that I was responding to at 9.1 by you that asked if the note was on a paper towel.
      When I hit submit your comment was gone and 2nds had #9.

      Heisa stalks the night. :???:

      Jul 9, 2008 at 2:27 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #9.6   fantasy bang

      Quite Contrary ,

      You must mean decoration towels. Those are the ones that you should never use.

      Jul 9, 2008 at 8:11 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #10   secondsout bang

    Jackie should feed the dark chocolate to the PAN writer’s dog.

    Jul 8, 2008 at 10:49 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

    • #10.1   shadow

      Why kill an innocent dog?

      Jul 14, 2008 at 9:42 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #11   secondsout bang

    Does the vending machine dispense ice cream and pickles, too?

    Jul 8, 2008 at 10:57 pm   rating: 14  small thumbs up

     
  • #12   SomeGuyWhoNeverComments bang

    Wow, this office is a riddle, wrapped in a mystery, inside an enigma, in a crispy taco shell.

    First, if our note writer thinks Jackie likes the black cock, and requested some, why is she so shy that she has to use euphemisms? Second, is this where the pregnant man works? Third, if there is a horny pregnant person at the office that “needs” cock, why does the cage, which people apparently think Jackie keeps for the blacks she purportedly called for, prevent the pregnant person from keeping their supply of man-meat in the office? Fourth, does the black cock really taste that much different from mine? I thought chocolate v. vanilla was a matter of opinion. Finally, is sexual slavery really something to be smiling about?

    Oh, and have the paper supplies at this office reached such a crisis point that they are reduced to using paper towels, or does our note writer just work as the bathroom attendant?

    An investigation needs to be launched regarding these issues – immediately!

    Jul 8, 2008 at 10:57 pm   rating: 18  small thumbs up

    • #12.1   sadi

      If you run out of paper towels while writing your notes, please see Casey in Human Resources.

      Jul 9, 2008 at 11:07 am   rating: 8  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #13   Canthz_B bang

    You made the vender put dark chocolate in there.
    Thought only of yourself, girl that just wasn’t fair.
    You’ve had it your way,
    Now it’s reckoning day so Eat it!
    Eat it, eat it, eat it.
    Eat it! Eat it!
    ‘Cause the pregnant girl feels cheated.
    You’re taking up space,
    Girl, she’ll razor your face so eat it!
    Eat it, eat it, eat it!

    Jul 8, 2008 at 11:15 pm   rating: 22  small thumbs up

    • #13.1   Jsmoke

      Wasn’t that a Wierd Al song for real?

      Jul 9, 2008 at 9:35 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #14   wright

    As my sister once said: “Chocolate: the other dark meat.”

    Perhaps Jackie could leave a coil of her “special” chocolate on the PAN author’s desk and blame it on the latter’s dog…

    Jul 8, 2008 at 11:25 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #14.1   snee

      that coil of “special” chocolate was fucki–no, wait!

      nevermind.

      Jul 8, 2008 at 11:30 pm   rating: 15  small thumbs up

       
    • #14.2   Summer

      fucking delicious hahahahahahahahahaha!

      Jul 9, 2008 at 9:50 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #15   Martin Heidegger

    Jesus, this is pregnant passive-aggressiveness if I’ve ever seen it.

    Yes ladies, I know that gestation can be a difficult thing for you, and that you also find it very beautiful. In some senses, it is. But… and this is a big but… the fact that you are pregnant does not give you license to bitch at everyone who isn’t carrying a lovely little being inside them.

    I suppose that this is passive-aggressive too. It may well be, and for that I guess I apologize. But if I become pregnant — yeah, another pregnant man, and I am seriously able to do that — then you’re not going to see me bitching about the dark chocolate. Honestly. Hormones are powerful, but estrogen (and testosterone) don’t flip the bitch switch.

    Jul 8, 2008 at 11:44 pm   rating: 26  small thumbs up

    • #15.1   Quite Contrary

      I think we need to add “I guess I apologize” to the list of quasi-oxymoronic phrases preceding a comment that contradicts the phrase.

      Just a small point. And bless your heart, Martin.

      Jul 9, 2008 at 12:26 am   rating: 18  small thumbs up

       
    • #15.2   agirlie

      you mean big “butt” actually right, cuz I am pregnant and my ass is going to needs it’s own postal code soon….

      Jul 9, 2008 at 1:59 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #15.3   secretrebel

      Way to generalise from a specific example there, dude.

      Jul 9, 2008 at 4:46 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #15.4   Lurker

      Oh, secret, I was going to say it if Martin hadn’t. Team Unpregnant People Are Not Second-Class Citizens!

      Jul 9, 2008 at 8:50 am   rating: 20  small thumbs up

       
    • #15.5   Joe bang

      For real, yo. You’d think that failure to protect oneself would be punished, not rewarded. All the bitch did was get knocked up. I could do th–

      No, wait. I couldn’t. But I could do that to any lovely ladies here looking for a good time. ;)

      (And better parking spaces at the mall. And preferential treatment basically wherever they go.)

      Jul 9, 2008 at 9:14 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #15.6   djr

      And the right to bitch about vending machine space.

      Jul 9, 2008 at 12:13 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #15.7   Canthz_B bang

      Joe…What?!
      A married woman should be punished for starting a family with her husband?
      Your comment, though hopefully intended in jest, is disturbing if your world-view can only envision “illegitimate” pregnancies.

      Jul 9, 2008 at 1:44 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

       
    • #15.8   Canthz_B bang

      Actually, the “bitch switch” is often “flipped” during pregnancy. There are numerous chemical changes which occur in a woman’s body and the brain is affected by these chemicals.
      While some bitchiness is personal (I’m pregnant=I’m special), other bitchiness is actual personality change. Sometimes bordering on or even surpassing the line between rational and irrational thought.

      Jul 9, 2008 at 7:17 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #15.9   amy d bang

      Hold on there, CB. What caused the pregnancy that flipped the “bitch switch”? A dick. Therefore men are the dicks that flip the bitch switch. :P

      Jul 9, 2008 at 7:23 pm   rating: 12  small thumbs up

       
    • #15.10   Joe bang

      CB: Yes, I was jesting. Maybe I went a little too far with the “punish” part. I certainly don’t envision a world where only illegitimate pregnancies occur, nor did I mean to imply that must have happened in this case. I only really meant the latter half of that statement — that it shouldn’t instantly make you above everyone else. (When I become a father to be, I’ll dote on my wife for sure, but I don’t think everyone should be made to cater to her.)

      Yeah, it appears this is an entitlement issue. But we see that here just about every day.

      Jul 9, 2008 at 7:26 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #15.11   Canthz_B bang

      My 1st wife had a craving for Life cereal.
      At nearly 8 months pregnant she walked almost a mile to the supermarket, grabbed a box of Life and a carton of milk and was eating them in the aisle when the security personnel found her and escorted her to the cash registers.
      Now, that was not bitchy, but it sure was not rational and was certainly not part of her normal character.

      True story, that.

      I can accept that, amy d! ;-)

      Jul 9, 2008 at 7:35 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #15.12   emily

      The hormones can be really powerful. I had to out myself as pregnant when I started crying at work over something completely STUPID. I knew at the time it was stupid, I knew there was nothing to be upset about, yet I wasn’t able to stop and cried in the breakroom for 45 minutes. It really gave me new sympathy for people with chemical imbalance.

      Jul 10, 2008 at 10:27 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #16   Crash bang

    In about two weeks the note will read something like this…

    I HATE YOU FOR EATING ALL THE DARK CHOCOLATE JACKIE !!
    DON’T YOU KNOW THAT I’M PREGNANT !?!
    YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED SOME FOR ME INSTEAD OF THINKING ONLY ABOUT YOURSELF !!
    THERE ARE OTHER PEOPLE THAT WORK HERE TOO, JACKIE !!
    THANKS.

    FROM
    THE STARVING PREGNANT WOMAN

    XOXO

    Jul 9, 2008 at 12:07 am   rating: 54  small thumbs up

    • #16.1   fnnkybutt

      Well, not to aggerate, but the lack of good chocolate is starving her child too (unborn or not).

      Jul 9, 2008 at 10:52 am   rating: 7  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #17   morpho aurora bang

    well at least someone thought about the childern :D

    i just keep my own little stash of chocolate – can’t stand eating the stuff out of vending machines. it always seems old, nasty or damaged. besides, nobody ever puts really good stuff in the machines anyway.
    and the PANwriter is a snotty bitch. she needs something with a little more punch to straighten her out.

    Jul 9, 2008 at 12:10 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

    • #17.1   djr

      What, like a punch to the stomach..?

      Jul 9, 2008 at 12:16 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #17.2   morpho aurora bang

      i was thinking of a punch in the throat – it’s not the baby’s fault mommy is a bitch. however, in a few years it WILL be mommy’s fault the baby is a bitch.

      Jul 9, 2008 at 10:33 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #18   TuesdayPillow

    Why do women always have to pull the pregnant card? If you can’t afford to buy your own damned milk chocolate on the way to work, then how are you gonna afford diapers for your little marble child?

    Wait a second – what if the pregnant person is SANDRA?!?

    Jul 9, 2008 at 1:04 am   rating: 18  small thumbs up

    • #18.1   snee

      then we’ll have to have a shower for her! see casey in human resources for details.

      Jul 9, 2008 at 1:13 am   rating: 20  small thumbs up

       
    • #18.2   fantasy bang

      *if we have to wear special hats, well then I am not going! *

      Jul 9, 2008 at 8:17 am   rating: 10  small thumbs up

       
    • #18.3   claw71 bang

      I wouldn’t mind taking a shower with Casey in human resources.

      The things she could do to me with a loufa….

      Jul 9, 2008 at 8:45 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #18.4   Mark bang

      Is that you, BillO?

      Oh, pardon me, I didn’t notice the albino python… sorry Claw.

      Jul 9, 2008 at 11:31 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #18.5   secondsout bang

      Would Sandra be able to print clip art onto a paper towel?

      Jul 9, 2008 at 11:47 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
    • #18.6   Bunnee

      I think she might be busy with her loofa with Pat O’Brien….

      Jul 9, 2008 at 12:08 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #19   amazon bang

    Is this note written on TP or paper towels? Does their office not have regular paper?

    Jul 9, 2008 at 1:25 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #19.1   GhostWriter bang

      OMG- that is a reeeeely long paper towel, and it’s freakin’ me out!!

      Jul 9, 2008 at 9:48 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #20   agirlie

    Because everyone knows that pregnant women should eat “the good kind of” chocolate at least three times a day to ingest some sugar and caffeine with absolutely no benefit of the antioxidants in dark chocolate, geez Jackie! And I even skipped drying my hands just to write this bitchy note to you on a paper towel to show what a great conservationist I am.

    Jul 9, 2008 at 1:56 am   rating: 9  small thumbs up

    • #20.1   Canthz_B bang

      “Great conversationist” indeed!

      I’ll bet you talk circles around a conversationalist. :roll:

      Jul 9, 2008 at 2:35 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #20.2   Canthz_B bang

      That’s what I get for being a smart ass too late at night!
      Sorry agirlie! Late night dyslexia kicked in!
      My apologies! ✌

      Jul 9, 2008 at 2:50 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #20.3   agirlie

      no worries:)
      I kinda rambled, as usual.

      Jul 9, 2008 at 2:42 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #20.4   Canthz_B bang

      ♥ ♥ ♥

      Jul 9, 2008 at 2:48 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #21   bani

    I am tickled by the idea that if it’s American chocolate it’s awful no matter the cocoa content. So the pregnant woman is DOUBLY missing out.

    Jul 9, 2008 at 3:39 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #21.1   Sheepish bang

      Agreed, American chocolate tastes like brown wax.

      Jul 9, 2008 at 9:23 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #21.2   amazon bang

      So my German boyfriend tells me. I must just have some nostalgia for Hersheys, since that’s the chocolate I grew up with. Kinda like how my guilty secret is that I like that mac ‘n cheese stuff that comes in a box with powdered cheese ;)

      Jul 9, 2008 at 11:31 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #21.3   Canthz_B bang

      There are many private confectioner shops (is that right?) that produce excellent chocolate in America. Is that still American chocolate or do the choco-nazis mean Corporate-made American chocolate??

      Jul 9, 2008 at 1:36 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #21.4   Jahzzie

      Speaking as the senior choco-nazi, yes, corporate chocolate makers produce a product that tastes like ass.
      Yes, confectioner is correct.
      Sad to say, American based European brand chocolate still tastes like ass.
      BTW, I was the weird kid that didn’t think the baking chocolate mom had in the cabinets tasted weird. I like my dark chocolate 75% or better.

      Jul 10, 2008 at 12:32 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #21.5   zombieBlanco bang

      American candy tastes like ass.

      American chocolate can be mighty tasty. The Xocolatl bar: yum.

      Jul 10, 2008 at 2:07 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #22   marcopuffin bang

    The toilet roll this is written on looks soiled at the top, just over Jackie’s name. Something white-ish? Nice. Writing a PA note on previously used loo roll just adds insult to injury (but of course, if they’re conservationist that would explain the double use but leaves them in a bit of a quandary when it comes to the two years’ worth of pampers they’re about to launch into).

    Jul 9, 2008 at 6:19 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #23   Jackie

    I’m the Jackie in the note. She’s on maternity leave now and it couldn’t have come sooner!

    I’m not on speaking terms with her now unless it has to deal with work. This isn’t because of the note she left me.

    Jul 9, 2008 at 6:27 am   rating: 9  small thumbs up

    • #23.1   Nicole

      I sure hope you left a note to let her know that you aren’t speaking to her unless necessary. After all, that is the only real way to let someone know.

      Jul 9, 2008 at 8:08 am   rating: 20  small thumbs up

       
    • #23.2   claw71 bang

      Well, Jackie, you could have avoided all this by buying your own damned chocolate and keeping it locked up in your desk. You dirty vending machine harpy.

      I think you both suck.

      Jul 9, 2008 at 8:44 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #23.3   KittyKat

      If they sucked, you’d be in a better mood.

      Jul 9, 2008 at 10:43 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #23.4   Bunnee

      Well, Jackie, fill us in! We have nothing but time…

      Jul 9, 2008 at 12:29 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #23.5   agirlie

      Huzzah! Glad you are getting a break, she sounds like a peach!

      Jul 9, 2008 at 2:47 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #23.6   Quite Contrary

      Nicole: Facebook is another excellent outlet to air frustrations with people, especially roommates.

      Jul 9, 2008 at 6:32 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #24   marcopuffin bang

    The hormones have gone… is the chocolate still there?

    Jul 9, 2008 at 6:32 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #25   Jsmoke

    Whoa, these ladies get to request dark chocolate in their vending machines? At my job we’re lucky to get a choice between snickers and 3 musketeers. But by good we’ve got three rows of trail mix and roasted nuts in our machine. Hell I’m just happy if the damn thing doesn’t eat my last .75 cents before I can get my sugary snack treat. Or even worse, A8 gets stuck on the way down to the retrieval trough forcing me to kick and punch the damn thing like a savage until it looses my candybar from it’s evil clutches.

    Jul 9, 2008 at 7:31 am   rating: 13  small thumbs up

    • #25.1   claw71 bang

      3 Musketeers = Worse Candy Bar Ever. Way worse than Skor.

      Jul 9, 2008 at 8:40 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #25.2   Joe bang

      claw’s comment illustrates the need for a thumb down feedback link. Nothing personal; I’m just sayin.

      Jul 9, 2008 at 9:19 am   rating: 10  small thumbs up

       
    • #25.3   Mishee bang

      *the skies darken as Joe falls under the “Mishee-dar”*

      Jul 9, 2008 at 9:26 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
    • #25.4   anglophile bang

      3 Musketeers are to candy bars as Mountain Dew is to soda.

      Disgusting, and mostly only favored by 10 year old boys.

      Jul 9, 2008 at 9:35 am   rating: 7  small thumbs up

       
    • #25.5   GhostWriter bang

      The worst candy bar ever is definitely Chick-O-Stick. It doesn’t even make sense.

      “Gentlemen, our candy bar business is doing very well in all demographics, save one; the uncrackable “fans of chicken kabobs” market.”

      “Well, Branford, I think I’ve come up with just the treat for the job. It has the shape and taste of a pencil, and absolutely no connection to chicken- we’ll call it, ‘Chick-O-Stick’ !”

      “Wonderful! James, make sure every kabob lover in America gets a chance to try this tasty option. ‘Once they go Chick, the habit’ll stick!‘”

      Jul 9, 2008 at 9:38 am   rating: 11  small thumbs up

       
    • #25.6   Joe bang

      Why all the Three Musketeers hating? I know it’s not the best candy bar, but it’s very far from the worst.

      Jul 9, 2008 at 10:08 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
    • #25.7   secondsout bang

      Yeah, there’s far worse candy to be had. I remember being really disappointed when I got candy corn or bit-o’-honey in my halloween swag.

      Jul 9, 2008 at 11:51 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #25.8   anglophile bang

      Squirrel Nut Zippers do not live up to their name.

      Jul 9, 2008 at 12:08 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
    • #25.9   djr

      I’d be scared if they did. There are a lot of foods that I’m glad don’t live up to their names.

      Jul 9, 2008 at 12:20 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #25.10   Bunnee

      Bit O’Honey is 10 times better than the chocolate fluff-stuff found inside a Three Musketeer. Candy corn is just plain awful! Why do they even keep making it? Ghostwriter, that was a great story! Chick O Stix ARE pretty bad, and I am embarrassed that we gave them out for Halloween just because they are cheap. No More! I will only give out the good stuff, from now on.

      Jul 9, 2008 at 12:25 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #25.11   GhostWriter bang

      Agreed. Red Hots would be downright dangerous.

      Jul 9, 2008 at 12:27 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #25.12   anglophile bang

      Butterfingers would be inconvenient.

      Jul 9, 2008 at 12:38 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #25.13   GhostWriter bang

      Snickers would be humiliating.

      Jul 9, 2008 at 1:09 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #25.14   Mark bang

      100 Grand would be pretty cool.

      Jul 9, 2008 at 1:17 pm   rating: 12  small thumbs up

       
    • #25.15   Canthz_B bang

      A Marathon would be tiring.

      Mary Janes would be, shall we say, uplifting!

      Jul 9, 2008 at 1:30 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

       
    • #25.16   Woahman

      Mr. Goodbar might be worth keeping around

      Jul 9, 2008 at 2:08 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

       
    • #25.17   Quite Contrary

      Starbursts could hurt!

      Jul 9, 2008 at 2:10 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #25.18   anglophile bang

      Baby Ruth could keep you up at night.

      Jul 9, 2008 at 2:15 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

       
    • #25.19   GhostWriter bang

      Jelly Belly candies do, in fact, live up to their name.

      Jul 9, 2008 at 2:17 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

       
    • #25.20   secondsout bang

      A Payday is always nice.

      Jul 9, 2008 at 2:22 pm   rating: 9  small thumbs up

       
    • #25.21   Canthz_B bang

      Good n’ Plenty is a great honeymoon treat.

      Jul 9, 2008 at 2:30 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #25.22   djr

      I’ve realized that there are also a lot of foods that unfortunately DON’T live up to their names.

      Jul 9, 2008 at 2:30 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #25.23   Canthz_B bang

      Which is good in the case of the kumquat.

      Jul 9, 2008 at 2:38 pm   rating: 9  small thumbs up

       
    • #25.24   GhostWriter bang

      No one would buy a Zero. They would have to stop making them, but how would they know?

      Jul 9, 2008 at 2:42 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #25.25   Woahman

      milk duds…..now whose brilliant marketing ploy was that? Dud anything are never good food options , plus any kind of sub par dairy products always sound tasty!

      Jul 9, 2008 at 2:56 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #25.26   octavius

      The Ferrero Rocher woman saying “Oh! Mr. Ambassador!” like he just dropped his pants drives me nuts. I refuse to believe that even the ambassador of Kazakstan would serve those imitation camel turds at his embassy.

      Jul 9, 2008 at 4:02 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #25.27   Canthz_B bang

      He’d serve real camel turds? 8-O

      Jul 9, 2008 at 4:13 pm   rating: 10  small thumbs up

       
    • #25.28   My own buisness

      I asked for a Payday, but I got 100 Grand!

      How’s that for being born under a good sign?

      Jul 9, 2008 at 4:54 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #25.29   SailorAlphaCentauri

      Hey! I like Chick O’Sticks. It was one of the few candies I could eat that didn’t hurt my teeth when my fillings went bad (Whachamacallits were the only other things I could eat).

      Jul 9, 2008 at 5:22 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #25.30   octavius

      As I’m working at home today I was able to google ‘Kazakhstan delicacies’ and discovered that camel turds or even Ferrero Rocher would be a treat in that land, unless horse offal sausage and boiled sheep’s head happen to be your favorite. Of course pregnant women do get strange urges.

      If anyone is thinking of a Kazakh theme party, or wants to become a vegetarian by way of shock therapy, here are some tasty recipes.

      http://park.org/Kazakhstan/horse.big.html

      Jul 9, 2008 at 5:26 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #25.31   octavius

      “The thick part of the rectum is washed without removing fat, then carefully turned inside out so that the fat should be inside, washed once more and tied up on both sides.”

      Oh! Mr Ambassador!

      Jul 9, 2008 at 5:34 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #25.32   Bunnee

      Oh! Mr. Octavuis! Please stop–you’re making me hungry :)

      Jul 10, 2008 at 5:25 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #26   Ryan

    Choco Monster demand feed!!!

    Jul 9, 2008 at 8:34 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #27   claw71 bang

    The pregnant person doesn’t need chocolate. You need to take your prenatal vitamins. If she wants chocolate, the pregnant person needs to shake her fat ass over to the grocery store and buy a bag of her favorite candy so the rest of us don’t have to watch her waddle around the office.

    Listen, bitch, we all know that bun you’ve got in the oven isn’t your husband’s. We can’t prove that you were boinking the copier repairman 7 months ago but the toner smudges on your pants didn’t leave much to the imagination. Neither did the mid-coitus copies that were left on the tray. Ick.

    Jul 9, 2008 at 8:38 am   rating: 25  small thumbs up

    • #27.1   hamburke

      You don’t even “need” to take your prenatal vitamins if you eat a healthy balanced diet of about 2500 calories. Prenatal vitamins made me sick.

      Jul 9, 2008 at 2:53 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #28   xindi

    The low blood sugar person needs her dark chocolate too… maybe she should have a cage match with the pregnant woman over the precious space?

    Jul 9, 2008 at 9:02 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

     
  • #29   Joe bang

    Can I just say…

    DARK CHOCOLATE IS FUCKING DELICIOUS! :)

    Where is this stash that no one is touching?

    Jul 9, 2008 at 9:17 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #29.1   GhostWriter bang

      It’s more of a clothes-heap than a stash, and it isn’t a pile of chocolate…

      …it’s a unitard.

      (that only looks like it’s covered in chocolate)

      Wear It Proud!

      Jul 9, 2008 at 9:22 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #29.2   Cowgirlgraphics

      I’m thinking you are going to look Fucking Delicious in that Unitard that GW laid out for you.

      Loud and proud, that’s you Joe.

      Jul 9, 2008 at 9:45 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #30   Jsmoke

    “No more apples in the vending machine please!”

    Jul 9, 2008 at 9:33 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

     
  • #31   Goldie

    Aaahhh, the healthy-food-hatin’ pregnant persons – giving birth to morbidly obese kids of tomorrow since 1989! Aren’t they cute?

    What I really want to know is why this pregnant person suspected Jackie of all people. Does Jackie have a hot, steamy relationship with the vending machine guy? I’m out of ideas but I have a strong suspicion something’s going on here…

    Jul 9, 2008 at 9:40 am   rating: 7  small thumbs up

     
  • #32   nikki

    um. dark chocolate IS the good-tasting kind. and it’s better for you than milk chocolate.

    Jul 9, 2008 at 10:15 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

     
  • #33   Kate

    People in Philly are rude bastards. But I do agree – dark chocolate is nast-ay.

    Jul 9, 2008 at 10:49 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #34   Wade bang

    Apparently, the note writer is unfamiliar with free market capitalism. If all the dark chocolate bars are purchased from the vending machine, guess what is going to replace them.

    Jul 9, 2008 at 12:25 pm   rating: 17  small thumbs up

    • #34.1   secondsout bang

      Depends how slowly they disappear. If it takes six months to go without a replacement, they’ll be replaced by something else. That is, if the vending machine stocker is actually taking notes.

      Jul 9, 2008 at 1:52 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #34.2   Wade bang

      Which makes my point, secondsout. If they are not eaten at all (or disappear slowly) the vendor will remove them. If Jackie takes the note writer’s advice and eats the dark chocolate at a pace that would make room for replacement before the pregnant person gives birth, they will be replaced with more dark chocolate.

      Unless the office stocks its own vending machine. Then all bets are off. :P

      Jul 9, 2008 at 2:02 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #34.3   secondsout bang

      You’re assuming that the person stocking the vending machine takes note of these things. The average person who stocks vending machines isn’t too careful, nor does he care. He’s some guy paid bottom dollar to stick candy in a machine.

      For that matter, if it takes six months for the candy company to realize that something’s not selling well and restock it, pregnant lady will be on maternity and the point moot.

      Jul 9, 2008 at 2:11 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #34.4   Wade bang

      Actually, to be fair, I am assuming the average, paid bottom dollar vending machine stocker will simply restock what is already in the vending machine. ;)

      Any way you slice it, the note writer has wasted a perfectly good Georgia-Pacific Acclaim C Fold Paper Towel.

      Jul 9, 2008 at 2:25 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #34.5   secondsout bang

      The reason I have no faith in candy machine stockers is that I have a friend who did that. He’s a nice guy, loyal friend, but none too bright.

      Brian was the sort of guy that whenever I was in town on summer break from college, he would be living in a new home, working a new minimum wage job because he had been fired from his previous ones, and a new phone number. He had been kicked out of the national guard for failing drug tests, and scoring a job as a vending machine stocker was a huge plus for him.

      Problem was, they called him one morning to offer the job, so long as he could get there that morning. So he calls me because he needs a ride. I get there and he’s running around looking for bleach. Bleach? To pass his drug test, that there’s NO WAY he’s going to pass. None to be found, so he has a bright idea. He needs me to stop at a gas station and piss in a condom for him.

      As I’m pissing in this condom, I’m beginning to think this is the dumbest thing I’ve ever been a part of. Not to mention, this condom full of piss is really hot. Ewww. So I leave the condom on the bathroom sink and go wait in the car. He comes out a minute later. “What did you do with it, Brian?” “I wrapped it in paper towels and hid it in my underwear!”

      At this point, I half hoped that the condom would break. He would be standing there with a lot of hot piss down his pants, and it would be MY piss, not his! Not to mention, even without it breaking, it must have felt weird to have this down his pants. Someone commented that it must have felt like having a big hot dick in his pants.

      I called him later to see how it went. He told me that it worked. It was problematic, though. For one, it was barely enough volume to satisfy the minimum needed. Keeping it down his pants, though, kept it warm enough. Not to mention that it was difficult to get the condom open. He said he almost had to bite it open. Bite it open? Holy shit! It could have exploded all over his face! But here’s the best part: I dropped him off at 9:00am, and they didn’t drug test him until about 3:30pm. This idiot had to walk around for more than six hours, filling vending machines, with a condom full of my piss hidden in his crotch.

      This is the point where he told me that maybe he should quit smoking weed. Didn’t happen.

      Jul 9, 2008 at 2:39 pm   rating: 18  small thumbs up

       
    • #34.6   anglophile bang

      What did he do when they called him in the office to tell him that, although he passed the drug test, he should know that through some sort of medical anomoly he was pregnant?

      Oh, wait, that happened on Law and Order, not real life, right? I keep getting confused.

      Jul 9, 2008 at 2:49 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #34.7   secondsout bang

      Given that it was MY piss, and I’m male, he wouldn’t get busted for using a pregnant woman’s piss.

      Jul 9, 2008 at 3:16 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #34.8   KittyKat

      A friend of mine used to work at a temporary employment agency. She told one of her clients he had failed his drug test because there was bleach in his urine and he says, “Uh, yeah, I been drinkin’ bleach.”
      UHHH, YEAHHH, of course, who doesn’t indulge in a little snort of bleach for a nightcap? I prefer Purex myself, it has such a lively bouquet.

      Jul 9, 2008 at 3:29 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #34.9   secondsout bang

      That same friend Brian was trying one day to drink small amounts of bleach in a gallon full of water in order to bleach out his urine. Apparently even a couple drops of bleach in a gallon of water make it really tough to drink.

      Jul 9, 2008 at 3:41 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #34.10   Bunnee

      Why, oh why, would people drink BLEACH when they can go to a head shop and buy XXtra Clean? Wouldn’t you think drinking bleach could kill you, if not make you very sick?

      Jul 9, 2008 at 4:01 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #34.11   secondsout bang

      Well, this was a small town in Arkansas, which didn’t feature head shops. And the dude isn’t very bright.

      Jul 9, 2008 at 4:04 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #34.12   Mark

      Bleach is a perfectly acceptable thing to drink when dissolved in large quantities of water. What do you think the chlorine in your tap water is?

      Of course, I’m talking about the level of about 17 milligrams of 6% bleach per liter of water… about one drop per gallon, more or less.

      (note: chlorine in tap water may have originally been chlorine gas, but once dissolved in water, the active ingredients in bleach and chlorine gas are the same thing).

      Also, drinking diluted bleach won’t do anything for your urine. It’s not like there’s a tube directly from your stomach to your bladder. The stuff has to go through your bloodstream to get to your kidneys.

      But like you said, the dude’s not too bright.

      Jul 9, 2008 at 4:17 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #34.13   My own buisness

      I’ve got some buddies and we all drink bleach
      you know we practice what we preach
      We’re not a drunken bunch of frat boys drunk on beer
      or a stoned bunch of hippies with no careers
      I wanna drink bleach with a Georgia Peach

      My pals and I all drink Clorox
      or eat Snowy right out of the box
      Teenage suicide rate shot high and we
      understand the reason why
      Bleach does more than whiten socks

      Don’t you wanna hang out with the bleach boys baby
      in a land where ministers murder golf pros?
      Don’t you wanna drink some bleach tonight?

      Maybe there’ll be a party at the beach
      We’ll bitch about life and chug-a-lug bleach
      No ones getting high and no one’s getting drunk
      we got a case off bleach stashed in the trunk.
      I wanna die with clorox within reach.

      I’m very proud of the respect I’ve earned
      and my voice is very deep ’cause my throat got burned.
      Bleach keeps you young so I’ve been told
      ’cause no one who drinks it lives to be old
      Drink it with a chaser is the first thing I learned.

      Don’t you wanna hang out with the bleach boys baby
      in a land where midgets run for mayor?
      Don’t you wanna drink some bleach tonight?

      I had 26 friends in the beginning
      but now it seems our numbers are thinning
      Some people drive fast others love to bet
      still others snort coke in a private jet.
      But drinking bleach is my way of winning.

      I’m so bored, I’m drinking bleach.
      I’m so bored, I’m drinking bleach.

      Jul 9, 2008 at 5:01 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #34.14   Bunnee

      Shout out for the Dead Milkmen!

      Jul 9, 2008 at 5:46 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #34.15   TuesdayPillow

      Wow. That is a blast from the past.

      Jul 10, 2008 at 5:15 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #35   claw71 bang

    Let’s depart from the normal banter and engage in a more serious discussion regarding the quality of certain candy bars and the procedures for properly stocking vending machines.

    First, let’s discuss the issue of dark chocolate. This is a superior product preferred by more traditional if not more discerning aficionados of the cocoa bean. Dark chocolate has it’s roots in some of the first confections long before frugal candy mongers opted to stretch cocoa reserves by introducing more cocoa butter and other buffering agents such as milk and cream to the mix. Dark chocolate has higher concentrations of caffeine, theobromine and antioxidants as well as lower levels of saturated fat.

    That being said, dark chocolate has no place in a vending machine. In fact, good dark chocolate should be purchased in specialty shops to ensure high quality. Waxy substitutions such as Hershey’s Special Dark simply don’t do dark chocolate justice. While fans of milk chocolate are just suckers hooked on an inferior product, those who enjoy mass produced versions of dark chocolate are miserable posers who don’t deserve good cocoa.

    As for the more pedestrian candy bars the level of quality and overall satisfaction varies. It’s hard to identify the best commercially available candy bar because of individual tastes but determining the worst is a relatively simple task if you apply basic logic to the equation. There are plenty of cheap, disappointing candy bars to be had but defining the worst requires taking into account the promise made by the brand. Snickers claims to really satisfy which is a subjective statement however, Snickers qualifies this claim by citing peanuts so the consumer expects a candy bar laden with peanuts. By that standard Snickers is a winner.

    Milky Way is not a very good candy bar but all it promises is nougat and caramel. Nobody expects the hunger abating presence of nuts or crisp rice puffs so Milky Way is a good candy bar in the sense that it follows through on its promise.

    Most people accept the fact that off-brand candy is going to be lousy. On the rare occasion one actually lands a Chik-O-Stik that isn’t stale to the point of rancidity the fact that it’s a Chik-O-Stik sets the bar pretty low. If you manage to eat one without getting sick or breaking a tooth you have to be satisfied with the results.

    Reese’s Cups are among the most successful candy bars on the market. They deliver a relatively large dose of candied peanut butter inside a rather dense coating of respectable milk chocolate. They may not be the best on the market but they rarely leave people disappointed. Knock off versions of this product always do and Reese’s recent foray into standard candy bars is ill-advised.

    That brings us to the Three Musketeers bar. This is a widely marketed product featured in commercials full of happy people who take great pleasure in consuming this confection. That is false advertising. Somebody who hasn’t had a candy in ages would eat one of these thinly coated cubes of fluff and walk away disappointed. The level of dissatisfaction is so high the purveyors of this farce have even resorted to marketing it to dieting women seeking a chocolate fix. The problem is that the layer of chocolate is so thin all anybody can taste is the strange gummy flavor of the so-called nougat. Of course, nougat is noting but a candy business medium for selling air. So Three Musketeers is really just chocolate covered air. How is that not the worst candy bar in the world? There’s no gooey caramel…no crunchy cookie…no salty peanuts…not even a lonesome grain of puffed rice. Just air, wrapped in an off-putting gray foam. Yummy.

    The bottom line is that in spite of all of the options available there are only a handful of candy bars that should be placed in a vending machine. Snickers is a given and Reese’s cups are always a crowd pleaser. Nestle’s Crunch or Hershey’s Krackle are good nutless alternatives. M&M’s, though not a candy bar, should be a vending machine fixture in both plain and peanut incarnations. Beyond that, you are getting in to dangerous ground. Most vending machines carry the dreaded 3 Musketeers bar because there’s always some sucker who might spend 75 cents to acquire a nickel’s worth of chocolate but that doesn’t mean people should buy it. If you don’t see your favorite listed here you should consider maintaining your own secret stash. There’s no need to confuse the situation by demanding obscure candy bars be stocked in your local machine.

    Jul 9, 2008 at 12:48 pm   rating: 27  small thumbs up

    • #35.1   Amber

      THANK YOU! I am loving all of the 3 Musketeers hate on the board today :) I’ve loathed that candied atrocity for as long as I can remember. I’m not saying that the waxy chocolate bars on the market are superb culinary delights or anything but this psuedo “chocolate fix” shouldn’t even be marketed to women wanting to lose weight. It makes us more depressed since we must resolve ourselves to tasteless packing foam wrapped in the rejected “chocolatey coating” of dollar store Easter candy.

      And who the eff buys that dark chocolate mint one? The notion that they can provide you with a mouthful of minty, foamy air and some fail dark chocolate of questionable origin and STILL help you lose weight is missing one key bit of information: all the weight you lose will be from puking after your third (approximate) bite and losing all appetite after the nightmares start.

      Jul 9, 2008 at 1:13 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #35.2   GhostWriter bang

      “Chocolate-covered air- MMMmmm…”

      - Homer

      Jul 9, 2008 at 1:16 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #35.3   Bunnee

      And to all of that, I only say, “Amen”…..

      Jul 9, 2008 at 1:25 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #35.4   SailorAlphaCentauri

      The big kicker about the mint 3 Musketeers bar is that it is smaller than the original, but they sell it for the same price.

      Talk about adding insult to injury.

      I will eat the original one on occasion, but because I don’t like the taste of the nougat mixed with the chocolate shell, I eat the outside of the bar first and then the inside.

      Jul 9, 2008 at 1:27 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #35.5   Mung Bean

      Wow. I thought I was the only one who harbored a nearly irrational hatred of 3 Musketeers bars.

      WTF is that stuff in the middle? Fluffy, sugary… um, nothingness. None for me, thank you.

      Jul 9, 2008 at 1:44 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #35.6   secondsout bang

      My hatred is for Tootsie Rolls. I don’t understand why anyone likes them. I’d far rather eat a Three Musketeers than a Tootsie Roll. 3M might not be my favorite, but it doesn’t taste like ass like Tootsie Roll. Tootsie Rolls have that really thick consistency that’s like melted rubber, and a taste that makes me wonder if it was scraped off the bottom of one’s shoe.

      Jul 9, 2008 at 2:05 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

       
    • #35.7   Sheepish bang

      Are there Aero bars in the US?
      Aero bars have successfully packaged chocolate and air.
      Although the commercials are supremely annoying I can forgive them because the candy is ‘effin wonderful.
      Also, it comes in dark chocolate, milk chocolate, caramel and mint varieties.
      Yay Aero Bars!
      (after exhaustive research, thanks Wikipedia, I’ve discovered that my neighbours to the south do not get to enjoy Aero bars… how sad.)

      Jul 9, 2008 at 2:27 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #35.8   Nathan

      Dissertation fail.

      Team Abridged version

      Jul 9, 2008 at 3:14 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #35.9   Canthz_B bang

      The Readers’ Digest version will be out in the Fall for those with short attention spans.

      Jul 9, 2008 at 3:22 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #35.10   secondsout bang

      The abridged version for the ADD generation:

      Three Musketeers are airy and light. High quality dark chocolate is tasty and should be bought at a specialty shop. Other candy is tasty.

      It’s not nearly as informative as Claw’s thing, but not too complicated for the semi-literate.

      Jul 9, 2008 at 3:32 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #35.11   Bellabeastie

      Ditto on the Tootsie rolls ! Totally disgusting. Good-n-Plenty and Circus Peanuts, too.
      O’Henry’s my personal fave – they have more peanuts than even a Snickers bar.

      P.S. When I was preggers I was addicted to Oreo cookies… yum :)

      Jul 9, 2008 at 4:37 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #35.12   TuesdayPillow

      There are specialty shops that will sell Aeros and such, especially when you get closer to Canada.

      The chocolate I had in Europe was so much better than even the best here.

      Hershey’s is evil, and tastes like a mouthful of sugar and poo.

      3 Musketeers is only good in a pinch, and I mean the kind where you’ve not eaten for days and there is no human flesh around.

      Applause for the dissertation – my attention span hasn’t been damaged YET.

      Jul 10, 2008 at 5:21 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #35.13   Qwerty

      I like 3M’s. (Tootsie rolls are disgusting, though.)

      Jul 10, 2008 at 8:53 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #35.14   reyna ulikba

      OMG. You know the taste of poo?

      Jul 12, 2008 at 3:03 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #36   GhostWriter bang

    I’m pretty sure that it’s Jackie Brown who requested the dark chocolate.

    Jul 9, 2008 at 1:13 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #36.1   Amber

      she must keep the dark chocolate musketeers corner of the market in business! :O

      Jul 9, 2008 at 1:22 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #37   SailorAlphaCentauri

    From what I’ve been reading on baby-related websites, pregnant women shouldn’t eat that much chocolate anyway. It has something to do with causing allergic reactions and is not something to eat when breastfeeding either, so the dark-chocolate lover is doing this woman a favor.

    Even if the dangers are not true, what kind of vending machine do they have where they only had one kind of chocolate available?

    Jul 9, 2008 at 1:24 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #37.1   aaa

      Maybe the dark chocolate took the place of the one kind of chocolate candy that the pregnant person (As opposed to a pregnant inanimate object?) just OH SO DESPERATELY needs and JUST ABSOLUTELY cannot do without. I bet there are other chocolate candies in there; the entitled human fishbowl probably just doesn’t want to substitute her Milky Ways for M&Ms or Snickers.

      Jul 9, 2008 at 2:28 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #38   Amy

    HEY HEY HEY. Dark chocolate is better for you than other kinds, AND it tastes delicious. Shut it.

    Jul 9, 2008 at 1:34 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #39   Mung Bean

    Milk chocolate is mostly milk and sugar. A typical Hershey bar contains something like only 10% cocoa. Meh.

    Dark chocolate rocks my world- I had a chocolate tasting party with some friends a couple years ago. The differences between beans and the styles of chocolate between different countries is pretty amazing.

    But you sure as hell ain’t gonna get that kind of product from a vending machine.

    Jul 9, 2008 at 1:36 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #39.1   hamburke

      what’s wrong with milk and sugar?

      Jul 9, 2008 at 3:13 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #39.2   pistola

      TEAM milk and sugar. When I get home I might top of a cold glass of milk with a spoonful of sugar.

      Jul 9, 2008 at 4:13 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #39.3   Shane

      Dam ye for getting Mary Poppins’ song stuck in me ‘ead.

      Jul 10, 2008 at 5:18 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #40   Strepsi

    I am so sick of pregnant women! They think they can do anything — I just had one give me the passive-aggressive stink-eye-and-frustrated-exhale because I would not let her CUT in line in front of me. B*tch, if you can walk to the store and shop, stand in the damn line. Next “entitled” pregnant woman gets a flick in the belly.

    Jul 9, 2008 at 1:49 pm   rating: 12  small thumbs up

    • #40.1   SailorAlphaCentauri

      I didn’t even know that I could be unreasonable and try to get cut-sies in line. I thought that we had to wait like everyone else.

      Oh, wait. I’m not an unreasonable bitch like other pregnant women.

      Jul 9, 2008 at 5:17 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #40.2   Anna

      You know, a well-placed punch to the uterus is called for occasionally.

      Jul 11, 2008 at 1:25 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #41   aaa

    a) Keep track of who requests what in order to not look like an ass on the internet.

    b) Why is there not a vending machine that sells dark chocolate near me?

    c) How does being pregnant make you need chocolate? I see no reason why the baby will do poorly without it.

    d) Why is it so fucking hard to buy your chocolate from a store and bring it in to work with you if you don’t like the selection in the vending machine?

    e) You classless milk-chocolate favoring peons don’t deserve to be able to buy dark chocolate from the vending machine. >:(

    Jul 9, 2008 at 2:23 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #41.1   Quite Contrary

      a-cubed: [Insert quasi-moronic contradictory introduction of your choice here], don’t “b” and “e” contradict each other?

      Jul 9, 2008 at 2:40 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #41.2   Summer

      I have a microwave at work that does not have a time on it so no need to re-set/clear.

      Jul 9, 2008 at 3:08 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #41.3   Iris

      Your microwave has what to do with this post or thread Summer? Just saying…..

      Jul 9, 2008 at 3:49 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #41.4   aaa

      I don’t see how they contradict. I would like for there to be a vending machine with dark chocolate within close physical proximity to me. The ungrateful should not be blessed with such great fortune. These are two separate concepts.

      I suggest that there be invisible fences around these glorious machines and the dark chocolateists be forcibly provided with the appropriate collars.

      Jul 9, 2008 at 3:54 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #41.5   aaa

      I just realized that my proposal in the last paragraph sounds contradictory (and crappily written). The dark chocolateists should be separated not only from the dark chocolate, but the other goodies inside as well, creating a total loss of snacking privileges for the foul ones as punishment for their wicked ways.

      Jul 9, 2008 at 5:17 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #42   Jackie

    Someone mentioned to me to buy a lockbox…and I did. I caught other coworkers sneaking snacks out of my cabinet. That very night I bought a lockbox. So whenever I buy goodies in they go! Hopefully no one has found my hidden key…

    She assumed I asked for the dark chocolate because the vending people asked for a list of candy we would like in the vending machine and I was the one who made up the sheet for people’s suggestions.

    As to why I’m not talking to her, I still burn about that when I think about it. And it would get me all pissed off again. I can’t leave nasty notes to her because she’s higher up in position and is good friends with the VP of our company.

    Jul 9, 2008 at 4:02 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

    • #42.1   aaa

      I saw on TV that there was a service that mails dog feces to people you dislike. Not sure how anonymous that would be, but it sounds like fun.

      Jul 9, 2008 at 4:10 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #42.2   Wade bang

      Apparently not that good of a friend of the VP, or she would have enough pull to have the chocolate changed in the vending machine. ;)

      Jul 9, 2008 at 4:17 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #42.3   aaa

      Heh. McPreggersons sounds like a second-tier friend.

      Jul 9, 2008 at 4:26 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #43   Mishee bang

    Sorry guys, but after holding my tongue during the candy talk all day, I had to post this:

    (and I take absolutely no credit for its creation, it’s just something we used to say in my childhood and it always stuck with me – thank God for Google!) Sorry if it’s a little graphic, (like I care….)

    It was another Payday, and I was tired of being a Mr. Goodbar. So I saw Miss Hershey standing behind the Powerhouse on the corner of Clark and Fifth Avenue, and I whipped out my Whopper and whispered, “Hey Sweetart, how’d you like to Krunch on my Big Hunk for a 100 Grand?”

    Well, she immediately went down on my Tootsie Roll, and, Uno, it was like pure Almond Joy. I couldn’t help but grab her delicious Mounds ’cause it was easy to see this little Twix had the Red Hots. It was all I could do to hold back a Snicker and a Krackle as my Butterfinger went up her tight little Kit Kat and she started to scream: “Oh Henry, Oh Henry!”

    Soon she was fondling my Peter Paul and Zagnuts and I knew it wouldn’t be long before I blew my Milkduds clear to Mars and gave her a taste of the old Milky Way.

    She asked if I was into M&M but I said, “Hey Chiclet, no kinky stuff”– and then I said, “Look, you little Reese’s Pieces! Don’t be a Zero, be a Lifesaver. Why don’t you just take my Whatchamacallit and slip it up your Bit O’Honey?” (and oh, boy, what a piece of Juicyfruit she was, too).

    She screamed, “Oh, Crackerjack, you’re better than the Three Musketeers!” as I rammed my Ding Dong up her Rocky Road and into her Peanut Butter Cup.

    Well, I was givin’ it to her Good ‘n’ Plenty when,all of a sudden … my Starburst. As luck would have it, she started to grow a bit Chunky and complained of a Wrigley in her stomach.

    Sure enough, nine months later, out popped a Baby Ruth.

    Jul 9, 2008 at 4:58 pm   rating: 13  small thumbs up

     
  • #44   jackie

    whoever wrote that is a total tool. put ‘em in the shed and then no chocolate for them.

    Jul 10, 2008 at 12:08 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #45   Callisto bang

    What a waste of a perfectly good C Fold. Next time she should inflate a rubber glove and write her note on that, since we’re wasting valuable supplies.

    Jul 10, 2008 at 12:36 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #46   mmm dark chocolate

    First, dark chocolate is delicious. Second, how much chocolate does one need that they need an entire vending machine devoted to milk chocolate with none for dark chocolate. Third, if you buy so much milk chocolate, you’re better off buying a box and not paying vending machine prices.

    Jul 10, 2008 at 3:10 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #47   chockoman

    Uhm, I don’t think that pregnant women are even supposed to eat chocolate; the caffeine is bad for the baby.

    Jul 10, 2008 at 5:54 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #48   Agent Inspired

    Oh, sad peons of the chocolate world, forced to eat mediocre chocolate out of a *shudders* vending machine!

    I buy all my chocolate myself, and it’s *always* dark. Funny how people complain about not liking dark chocolate, but are always willing to steal mine. ;)

    Until I threaten to eat their face, of course. No one freaking touches my chocolate. :P

    In short: Smiley is a loser who should just buy her own damn chocolate.

    Jul 10, 2008 at 9:24 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #49   PassionateZephyr

    How come no one’s mentioned TWIX?? It’s the yummiest sub-par candy bar in the world!! Kit-Kat is a close second.

    Jul 15, 2008 at 11:44 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #50   Person

    Do people think snacks have less calories if they come from a vending machine rather than buying it at the grocery store and bringing it in? I think these are people who don’t want their family to know about their piggy snacking.

    Jul 16, 2008 at 12:07 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #51   DistinctiveCookies

    Bad preggy – no caffeine for your unborn child, you monster! If you HAVE to consume caffeine during your pregnancy, dark chocolate with its antioxidants is probably a better choice than milk chocolate, anyhow.

    Jul 16, 2008 at 4:37 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #52   Evander

    Good kind of chocolate?

    That woman needs to be smacked. Upside the head, not near the vicinity of the womb. Setting up her child to be obese AND to lack good taste in chocolate like that.

    Well. If she treats her future child in a similar fashion, she had better cross her fingers that she gets an odd milk chocolate bar or two when she’s ceremoniously dropped off in a nursing home when her daughter/son can’t handle her anymore in her advanced years.

    Karma’s rich. Not unlike dark chocolate.

    Jul 17, 2008 at 8:56 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #53   Alice

    Um…. there is nothing wrong with Dark Chocolate, but there is something wrong with this woman.

    Jul 24, 2008 at 12:20 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #54   P_Buttercup

    I love that Jackie was blamed yet hates dark chocolate. I had a roommate in college that would leave notes all over everything accusing me of eating her food/drinking her milk. I wasn’t (I suspect her boyfriend was coming in when we weren’t home, nice, huh?, or she was eating it in her sleep LOL). Milk did not agree with me and she accused me often of eating things with coconut. I hate coconut!!!!

    Oct 6, 2009 at 6:54 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #55   This is like offering your seat to a lady with a poofy empire waist top...only worse. | PassiveAggressiveNotes.com

    [...] also 5 months pregnant. I just haven’t made a big deal about it by talking incessantly about it or demanding special [...]

    Jul 29, 2010 at 3:19 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     

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