The most irritating part of finding this note propped on her keyboard, says Jackie in Philly, is that she wasn’t the person who requested dark chocolate in the office vending machine. “In fact, I can’t stand the stuff!” (In that case…hello, baby shower gift?)
related: Bun — er, — pizza in the oven
214 responses so far ↓
#1
zombieBlanco
Hi! My name is zombieBlanco, and I’m a chocoholic. Not long ago I would do anything to get a ‘fix’. I’m embarrassed to admit that I would run over little old ladies to get to a hershey bar. One time I even used the pregnant woman at my office as a cover to ream another employee about chocolate she ordered for the vending machine.
Jul 8, 2008 at 10:23 pm rating: 29
#2
Canthz_B
Don’t they allow pregnant people inside of candy stores in Philly?
It may be the City of Brotherly love, but they sure dis a Sista!
Jul 8, 2008 at 10:25 pm rating: 4
#3
Mandy
Because chocolate takes up that much space? Or are they buying Costco size boxes of the stuff?
Jul 8, 2008 at 10:26 pm rating: 0
#4
Lane J
Umm…I might be totally off here, but don’t all gas stations sell chocolate? Buy your daily fix on your way to work in the morning!
Jul 8, 2008 at 10:30 pm rating: 5
#5
TiredofIt
I couldn’t live someone who thought dark chocolate wasn’t the food of the gods.
Move out!
Jul 8, 2008 at 10:32 pm rating: 13
#6
Quite Contrary
They call out the offender (that’s you, Jackie), AND the “pregnant person’s” gender remains protected. Huzzah!
And the note is on a napkin! Double huzzah!
PS Points deleted since the note was not on a cocktail napkin.
Jul 8, 2008 at 10:35 pm rating: 19
#7
Only eat the GOOD chocolate
Geez, Miss Smiley Face (I just HATE smiley face signatures, don’t you?) don’t you know that dark chocolate IS the good chocolate, and if either you are (or are best friends with) the pregnant chick, for chrissakes give that baby some nutrition with her chocolate!
Jul 8, 2008 at 10:38 pm rating: 19
#8
Canthz_B
Any true chocolate craver (pregnant or not) keeps a supply handy and would never be left to the tender mercies of a vending machine.
Jul 8, 2008 at 10:42 pm rating: 30
#9
secondsout
Maybe once the person is done wolfing down the candy bar, she can wipe her face with the note. Many of the notes deserve wiping one’s face or ass on them, but this one really makes it happen.
Jul 8, 2008 at 10:46 pm rating: 6
#10
secondsout
Jackie should feed the dark chocolate to the PAN writer’s dog.
Jul 8, 2008 at 10:49 pm rating: 5
#11
secondsout
Does the vending machine dispense ice cream and pickles, too?
Jul 8, 2008 at 10:57 pm rating: 14
#12
SomeGuyWhoNeverComments
Wow, this office is a riddle, wrapped in a mystery, inside an enigma, in a crispy taco shell.
First, if our note writer thinks Jackie likes the black cock, and requested some, why is she so shy that she has to use euphemisms? Second, is this where the pregnant man works? Third, if there is a horny pregnant person at the office that “needs” cock, why does the cage, which people apparently think Jackie keeps for the blacks she purportedly called for, prevent the pregnant person from keeping their supply of man-meat in the office? Fourth, does the black cock really taste that much different from mine? I thought chocolate v. vanilla was a matter of opinion. Finally, is sexual slavery really something to be smiling about?
Oh, and have the paper supplies at this office reached such a crisis point that they are reduced to using paper towels, or does our note writer just work as the bathroom attendant?
An investigation needs to be launched regarding these issues – immediately!
Jul 8, 2008 at 10:57 pm rating: 18
#13
Canthz_B
You made the vender put dark chocolate in there.
Thought only of yourself, girl that just wasn’t fair.
You’ve had it your way,
Now it’s reckoning day so Eat it!
Eat it, eat it, eat it.
Eat it! Eat it!
‘Cause the pregnant girl feels cheated.
You’re taking up space,
Girl, she’ll razor your face so eat it!
Eat it, eat it, eat it!
Jul 8, 2008 at 11:15 pm rating: 22
#14
wright
As my sister once said: “Chocolate: the other dark meat.”
Perhaps Jackie could leave a coil of her “special” chocolate on the PAN author’s desk and blame it on the latter’s dog…
Jul 8, 2008 at 11:25 pm rating: 2
#15
Martin Heidegger
Jesus, this is pregnant passive-aggressiveness if I’ve ever seen it.
Yes ladies, I know that gestation can be a difficult thing for you, and that you also find it very beautiful. In some senses, it is. But… and this is a big but… the fact that you are pregnant does not give you license to bitch at everyone who isn’t carrying a lovely little being inside them.
I suppose that this is passive-aggressive too. It may well be, and for that I guess I apologize. But if I become pregnant — yeah, another pregnant man, and I am seriously able to do that — then you’re not going to see me bitching about the dark chocolate. Honestly. Hormones are powerful, but estrogen (and testosterone) don’t flip the bitch switch.
Jul 8, 2008 at 11:44 pm rating: 25
#16
Crash
In about two weeks the note will read something like this…
I HATE YOU FOR EATING ALL THE DARK CHOCOLATE JACKIE !!
DON’T YOU KNOW THAT I’M PREGNANT !?!
YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED SOME FOR ME INSTEAD OF THINKING ONLY ABOUT YOURSELF !!
THERE ARE OTHER PEOPLE THAT WORK HERE TOO, JACKIE !!
THANKS.
FROM
THE STARVING PREGNANT WOMAN
XOXO
Jul 9, 2008 at 12:07 am rating: 50
#17
morpho aurora
well at least someone thought about the childern
i just keep my own little stash of chocolate – can’t stand eating the stuff out of vending machines. it always seems old, nasty or damaged. besides, nobody ever puts really good stuff in the machines anyway.
and the PANwriter is a snotty bitch. she needs something with a little more punch to straighten her out.
Jul 9, 2008 at 12:10 am rating: 5
#18
TuesdayPillow
Why do women always have to pull the pregnant card? If you can’t afford to buy your own damned milk chocolate on the way to work, then how are you gonna afford diapers for your little marble child?
Wait a second – what if the pregnant person is SANDRA?!?
Jul 9, 2008 at 1:04 am rating: 16
#19
amazon
Is this note written on TP or paper towels? Does their office not have regular paper?
Jul 9, 2008 at 1:25 am rating: 0
#20
agirlie
Because everyone knows that pregnant women should eat “the good kind of” chocolate at least three times a day to ingest some sugar and caffeine with absolutely no benefit of the antioxidants in dark chocolate, geez Jackie! And I even skipped drying my hands just to write this bitchy note to you on a paper towel to show what a great conservationist I am.
Jul 9, 2008 at 1:56 am rating: 9
#21
bani
I am tickled by the idea that if it’s American chocolate it’s awful no matter the cocoa content. So the pregnant woman is DOUBLY missing out.
Jul 9, 2008 at 3:39 am rating: 3
#22
marcopuffin
The toilet roll this is written on looks soiled at the top, just over Jackie’s name. Something white-ish? Nice. Writing a PA note on previously used loo roll just adds insult to injury (but of course, if they’re conservationist that would explain the double use but leaves them in a bit of a quandary when it comes to the two years’ worth of pampers they’re about to launch into).
Jul 9, 2008 at 6:19 am rating: 0
#23
Jackie
I’m the Jackie in the note. She’s on maternity leave now and it couldn’t have come sooner!
I’m not on speaking terms with her now unless it has to deal with work. This isn’t because of the note she left me.
Jul 9, 2008 at 6:27 am rating: 9
#24
marcopuffin
The hormones have gone… is the chocolate still there?
Jul 9, 2008 at 6:32 am rating: 1
#25
Jsmoke
Whoa, these ladies get to request dark chocolate in their vending machines? At my job we’re lucky to get a choice between snickers and 3 musketeers. But by good we’ve got three rows of trail mix and roasted nuts in our machine. Hell I’m just happy if the damn thing doesn’t eat my last .75 cents before I can get my sugary snack treat. Or even worse, A8 gets stuck on the way down to the retrieval trough forcing me to kick and punch the damn thing like a savage until it looses my candybar from it’s evil clutches.
Jul 9, 2008 at 7:31 am rating: 13
#26
Ryan
Choco Monster demand feed!!!
Jul 9, 2008 at 8:34 am rating: 0
#27
claw71
The pregnant person doesn’t need chocolate. You need to take your prenatal vitamins. If she wants chocolate, the pregnant person needs to shake her fat ass over to the grocery store and buy a bag of her favorite candy so the rest of us don’t have to watch her waddle around the office.
Listen, bitch, we all know that bun you’ve got in the oven isn’t your husband’s. We can’t prove that you were boinking the copier repairman 7 months ago but the toner smudges on your pants didn’t leave much to the imagination. Neither did the mid-coitus copies that were left on the tray. Ick.
Jul 9, 2008 at 8:38 am rating: 25
#28
xindi
The low blood sugar person needs her dark chocolate too… maybe she should have a cage match with the pregnant woman over the precious space?
Jul 9, 2008 at 9:02 am rating: 4
#29
Joe
Can I just say…
DARK CHOCOLATE IS FUCKING DELICIOUS!
Where is this stash that no one is touching?
Jul 9, 2008 at 9:17 am rating: 2
#30
Jsmoke
“No more apples in the vending machine please!”
Jul 9, 2008 at 9:33 am rating: 6
#31
Goldie
Aaahhh, the healthy-food-hatin’ pregnant persons – giving birth to morbidly obese kids of tomorrow since 1989! Aren’t they cute?
What I really want to know is why this pregnant person suspected Jackie of all people. Does Jackie have a hot, steamy relationship with the vending machine guy? I’m out of ideas but I have a strong suspicion something’s going on here…
Jul 9, 2008 at 9:40 am rating: 7
#32
nikki
um. dark chocolate IS the good-tasting kind. and it’s better for you than milk chocolate.
Jul 9, 2008 at 10:15 am rating: 5
#33
Kate
People in Philly are rude bastards. But I do agree – dark chocolate is nast-ay.
Jul 9, 2008 at 10:49 am rating: 0
#34
Wade
Apparently, the note writer is unfamiliar with free market capitalism. If all the dark chocolate bars are purchased from the vending machine, guess what is going to replace them.
Jul 9, 2008 at 12:25 pm rating: 16
#35
claw71
Let’s depart from the normal banter and engage in a more serious discussion regarding the quality of certain candy bars and the procedures for properly stocking vending machines.
First, let’s discuss the issue of dark chocolate. This is a superior product preferred by more traditional if not more discerning aficionados of the cocoa bean. Dark chocolate has it’s roots in some of the first confections long before frugal candy mongers opted to stretch cocoa reserves by introducing more cocoa butter and other buffering agents such as milk and cream to the mix. Dark chocolate has higher concentrations of caffeine, theobromine and antioxidants as well as lower levels of saturated fat.
That being said, dark chocolate has no place in a vending machine. In fact, good dark chocolate should be purchased in specialty shops to ensure high quality. Waxy substitutions such as Hershey’s Special Dark simply don’t do dark chocolate justice. While fans of milk chocolate are just suckers hooked on an inferior product, those who enjoy mass produced versions of dark chocolate are miserable posers who don’t deserve good cocoa.
As for the more pedestrian candy bars the level of quality and overall satisfaction varies. It’s hard to identify the best commercially available candy bar because of individual tastes but determining the worst is a relatively simple task if you apply basic logic to the equation. There are plenty of cheap, disappointing candy bars to be had but defining the worst requires taking into account the promise made by the brand. Snickers claims to really satisfy which is a subjective statement however, Snickers qualifies this claim by citing peanuts so the consumer expects a candy bar laden with peanuts. By that standard Snickers is a winner.
Milky Way is not a very good candy bar but all it promises is nougat and caramel. Nobody expects the hunger abating presence of nuts or crisp rice puffs so Milky Way is a good candy bar in the sense that it follows through on its promise.
Most people accept the fact that off-brand candy is going to be lousy. On the rare occasion one actually lands a Chik-O-Stik that isn’t stale to the point of rancidity the fact that it’s a Chik-O-Stik sets the bar pretty low. If you manage to eat one without getting sick or breaking a tooth you have to be satisfied with the results.
Reese’s Cups are among the most successful candy bars on the market. They deliver a relatively large dose of candied peanut butter inside a rather dense coating of respectable milk chocolate. They may not be the best on the market but they rarely leave people disappointed. Knock off versions of this product always do and Reese’s recent foray into standard candy bars is ill-advised.
That brings us to the Three Musketeers bar. This is a widely marketed product featured in commercials full of happy people who take great pleasure in consuming this confection. That is false advertising. Somebody who hasn’t had a candy in ages would eat one of these thinly coated cubes of fluff and walk away disappointed. The level of dissatisfaction is so high the purveyors of this farce have even resorted to marketing it to dieting women seeking a chocolate fix. The problem is that the layer of chocolate is so thin all anybody can taste is the strange gummy flavor of the so-called nougat. Of course, nougat is noting but a candy business medium for selling air. So Three Musketeers is really just chocolate covered air. How is that not the worst candy bar in the world? There’s no gooey caramel…no crunchy cookie…no salty peanuts…not even a lonesome grain of puffed rice. Just air, wrapped in an off-putting gray foam. Yummy.
The bottom line is that in spite of all of the options available there are only a handful of candy bars that should be placed in a vending machine. Snickers is a given and Reese’s cups are always a crowd pleaser. Nestle’s Crunch or Hershey’s Krackle are good nutless alternatives. M&M’s, though not a candy bar, should be a vending machine fixture in both plain and peanut incarnations. Beyond that, you are getting in to dangerous ground. Most vending machines carry the dreaded 3 Musketeers bar because there’s always some sucker who might spend 75 cents to acquire a nickel’s worth of chocolate but that doesn’t mean people should buy it. If you don’t see your favorite listed here you should consider maintaining your own secret stash. There’s no need to confuse the situation by demanding obscure candy bars be stocked in your local machine.
Jul 9, 2008 at 12:48 pm rating: 27
#36
GhostWriter
I’m pretty sure that it’s Jackie Brown who requested the dark chocolate.
Jul 9, 2008 at 1:13 pm rating: 3
#37
SailorAlphaCentauri
From what I’ve been reading on baby-related websites, pregnant women shouldn’t eat that much chocolate anyway. It has something to do with causing allergic reactions and is not something to eat when breastfeeding either, so the dark-chocolate lover is doing this woman a favor.
Even if the dangers are not true, what kind of vending machine do they have where they only had one kind of chocolate available?
Jul 9, 2008 at 1:24 pm rating: 1
#38
Amy
HEY HEY HEY. Dark chocolate is better for you than other kinds, AND it tastes delicious. Shut it.
Jul 9, 2008 at 1:34 pm rating: 1
#39
Mung Bean
Milk chocolate is mostly milk and sugar. A typical Hershey bar contains something like only 10% cocoa. Meh.
Dark chocolate rocks my world- I had a chocolate tasting party with some friends a couple years ago. The differences between beans and the styles of chocolate between different countries is pretty amazing.
But you sure as hell ain’t gonna get that kind of product from a vending machine.
Jul 9, 2008 at 1:36 pm rating: 0
#40
Strepsi
I am so sick of pregnant women! They think they can do anything — I just had one give me the passive-aggressive stink-eye-and-frustrated-exhale because I would not let her CUT in line in front of me. B*tch, if you can walk to the store and shop, stand in the damn line. Next “entitled” pregnant woman gets a flick in the belly.
Jul 9, 2008 at 1:49 pm rating: 12
#41
aaa
a) Keep track of who requests what in order to not look like an ass on the internet.
b) Why is there not a vending machine that sells dark chocolate near me?
c) How does being pregnant make you need chocolate? I see no reason why the baby will do poorly without it.
d) Why is it so fucking hard to buy your chocolate from a store and bring it in to work with you if you don’t like the selection in the vending machine?
e) You classless milk-chocolate favoring peons don’t deserve to be able to buy dark chocolate from the vending machine. >:(
Jul 9, 2008 at 2:23 pm rating: 1
#42
Jackie
Someone mentioned to me to buy a lockbox…and I did. I caught other coworkers sneaking snacks out of my cabinet. That very night I bought a lockbox. So whenever I buy goodies in they go! Hopefully no one has found my hidden key…
She assumed I asked for the dark chocolate because the vending people asked for a list of candy we would like in the vending machine and I was the one who made up the sheet for people’s suggestions.
As to why I’m not talking to her, I still burn about that when I think about it. And it would get me all pissed off again. I can’t leave nasty notes to her because she’s higher up in position and is good friends with the VP of our company.
Jul 9, 2008 at 4:02 pm rating: 5
#43
Mishee
Sorry guys, but after holding my tongue during the candy talk all day, I had to post this:
(and I take absolutely no credit for its creation, it’s just something we used to say in my childhood and it always stuck with me – thank God for Google!) Sorry if it’s a little graphic, (like I care….)
It was another Payday, and I was tired of being a Mr. Goodbar. So I saw Miss Hershey standing behind the Powerhouse on the corner of Clark and Fifth Avenue, and I whipped out my Whopper and whispered, “Hey Sweetart, how’d you like to Krunch on my Big Hunk for a 100 Grand?”
Well, she immediately went down on my Tootsie Roll, and, Uno, it was like pure Almond Joy. I couldn’t help but grab her delicious Mounds ’cause it was easy to see this little Twix had the Red Hots. It was all I could do to hold back a Snicker and a Krackle as my Butterfinger went up her tight little Kit Kat and she started to scream: “Oh Henry, Oh Henry!”
Soon she was fondling my Peter Paul and Zagnuts and I knew it wouldn’t be long before I blew my Milkduds clear to Mars and gave her a taste of the old Milky Way.
She asked if I was into M&M but I said, “Hey Chiclet, no kinky stuff”– and then I said, “Look, you little Reese’s Pieces! Don’t be a Zero, be a Lifesaver. Why don’t you just take my Whatchamacallit and slip it up your Bit O’Honey?” (and oh, boy, what a piece of Juicyfruit she was, too).
She screamed, “Oh, Crackerjack, you’re better than the Three Musketeers!” as I rammed my Ding Dong up her Rocky Road and into her Peanut Butter Cup.
Well, I was givin’ it to her Good ‘n’ Plenty when,all of a sudden … my Starburst. As luck would have it, she started to grow a bit Chunky and complained of a Wrigley in her stomach.
Sure enough, nine months later, out popped a Baby Ruth.
Jul 9, 2008 at 4:58 pm rating: 13
#44
jackie
whoever wrote that is a total tool. put ‘em in the shed and then no chocolate for them.
Jul 10, 2008 at 12:08 am rating: 1
#45
Callisto
What a waste of a perfectly good C Fold. Next time she should inflate a rubber glove and write her note on that, since we’re wasting valuable supplies.
Jul 10, 2008 at 12:36 am rating: 0
#46
mmm dark chocolate
First, dark chocolate is delicious. Second, how much chocolate does one need that they need an entire vending machine devoted to milk chocolate with none for dark chocolate. Third, if you buy so much milk chocolate, you’re better off buying a box and not paying vending machine prices.
Jul 10, 2008 at 3:10 pm rating: 0
#47
chockoman
Uhm, I don’t think that pregnant women are even supposed to eat chocolate; the caffeine is bad for the baby.
Jul 10, 2008 at 5:54 pm rating: 0
#48
Agent Inspired
Oh, sad peons of the chocolate world, forced to eat mediocre chocolate out of a *shudders* vending machine!
I buy all my chocolate myself, and it’s *always* dark. Funny how people complain about not liking dark chocolate, but are always willing to steal mine.
Until I threaten to eat their face, of course. No one freaking touches my chocolate.
In short: Smiley is a loser who should just buy her own damn chocolate.
Jul 10, 2008 at 9:24 pm rating: 0
#49
PassionateZephyr
How come no one’s mentioned TWIX?? It’s the yummiest sub-par candy bar in the world!! Kit-Kat is a close second.
Jul 15, 2008 at 11:44 pm rating: 0
#50
Person
Do people think snacks have less calories if they come from a vending machine rather than buying it at the grocery store and bringing it in? I think these are people who don’t want their family to know about their piggy snacking.
Jul 16, 2008 at 12:07 am rating: 0
#51
DistinctiveCookies
Bad preggy – no caffeine for your unborn child, you monster! If you HAVE to consume caffeine during your pregnancy, dark chocolate with its antioxidants is probably a better choice than milk chocolate, anyhow.
Jul 16, 2008 at 4:37 pm rating: 0
#52
Evander
Good kind of chocolate?
That woman needs to be smacked. Upside the head, not near the vicinity of the womb. Setting up her child to be obese AND to lack good taste in chocolate like that.
Well. If she treats her future child in a similar fashion, she had better cross her fingers that she gets an odd milk chocolate bar or two when she’s ceremoniously dropped off in a nursing home when her daughter/son can’t handle her anymore in her advanced years.
Karma’s rich. Not unlike dark chocolate.
Jul 17, 2008 at 8:56 pm rating: 0
#53
Alice
Um…. there is nothing wrong with Dark Chocolate, but there is something wrong with this woman.
Jul 24, 2008 at 12:20 pm rating: 0
#54
P_Buttercup
I love that Jackie was blamed yet hates dark chocolate. I had a roommate in college that would leave notes all over everything accusing me of eating her food/drinking her milk. I wasn’t (I suspect her boyfriend was coming in when we weren’t home, nice, huh?, or she was eating it in her sleep LOL). Milk did not agree with me and she accused me often of eating things with coconut. I hate coconut!!!!
Oct 6, 2009 at 6:54 am rating: 0
#55 This is like offering your seat to a lady with a poofy empire waist top...only worse. | PassiveAggressiveNotes.com
[...] also 5 months pregnant. I just haven’t made a big deal about it by talking incessantly about it or demanding special [...]
Jul 29, 2010 at 3:19 pm rating: 0
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