Where do you suppose this “anomous” Tampa, Florida resident stands on the whole nature-vs.-nurture debate?
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related: your to lazy
Sheena is a paintballer
July 9th, 2008 · 179 comments
FILED UNDER: "helpful" advice · CAPS LOCK · crazypants · dubious scientific claims · exclamation-point happy! · florida · gloriously redundant · irregular capitalization · kids today · moms & dads · neighbors · spelling and grammar police · tampa · the lawn · unnecessary "quotation marks"
179 responses so far ↓
#1
amy d
I always wondered who Bozo the Clown’s parents were.
Jul 9, 2008 at 7:13 pm rating: +27
#2
Mark
Wow. Where to start.
I wish to remain anomous.
What is the need for a reward for information? It seems the signposter already knows the little idiot “punk” bozo son (note — can’t be a daughter or hermaphrodite, obviously, as males are the only ones that ever shoot paintballs) and the idiot crappy dad. Otherwise, how would the signposter know the relative idiocity of both?
Also, crappy parents are apparently greater than bozo kids, and by the same token, caring parents are greater than very nice kids.
Finally, GET OFF MY LAWN, YOU WHIPPERSNAPPERS!
Jul 9, 2008 at 7:16 pm rating: +33
#3
harmonicpies
I wonder which is tackier, paint splatter on the front door or PAN signs arrayed on the front lawn, Burma Shave style?
Jul 9, 2008 at 7:18 pm rating: +29
#4
zombieBlanco
PaintBaller Punks and the Total Idiot Parents who raised them- on the next Geraldo!
Jul 9, 2008 at 7:18 pm rating: +18
#5
park rose
Hmmm… all the t’s seem to be lowercase (apostrophe added for ease of reading).
The more fundamental one’s beliefs are, the more fundamental one’s spelling and penmanship is bound to be.
Jul 9, 2008 at 7:29 pm rating: +10
#6
park rose
Parenting lol. Yep, that about sums it up.
Jul 9, 2008 at 7:30 pm rating: +29
#7
Sarah
Name the idiot that shot paintball? Well, given that your dad = idiot, by the Substitution Property of Equality, your dad shot paintball.
You can send the $250 to my PayPal.
Jul 9, 2008 at 7:31 pm rating: +29
#8
gingerE
Lesson 5 of PARENtiNG 101: Bonding with your son by shooting paintBALLS together.
Jul 9, 2008 at 7:34 pm rating: +12
#9
secondsout
Maybe he meant that his animus towards these paintballers will remain?
Jul 9, 2008 at 7:34 pm rating: +5
#10
zombieBlanco
As I reread the Burma Shave signs, I’m beginning to get an inkling of the impetus to shoot paint at the door in the first place: uppity neighbors that think they’re all that, but are really just assholes.
Jul 9, 2008 at 7:36 pm rating: +5
#11
secondsout
So wait, crappy parents are greater than bozo kids? I don’t understand.
Jul 9, 2008 at 7:37 pm rating: +8
#12
Sarah
Upon rereading the note, I couldn’t help but notice the interesting melange of capital and lowercase letters. Did someone forget to take Alphabet 101?
Jul 9, 2008 at 7:38 pm rating: +3
#13
Canthz_B
Shouldn’t that be:
Caring parents >Crappy parents
Very nice kids>Bozo kids?
Jul 9, 2008 at 7:46 pm rating: +7
#14
Canthz_B
There really is nothing worse than an artificial parent, you know.
Jul 9, 2008 at 7:52 pm rating: +5
#15
dp
Somebody is not being very strict with his/her strict inequalities.
Jul 9, 2008 at 7:58 pm rating: +2
#16
Wade
Note Writer ≡ Idiot
Jul 9, 2008 at 7:59 pm rating: +9
#17
aaa
Ah, never mind. Can’t read.
Jul 9, 2008 at 8:02 pm rating: 0
#18
se
How stupid is it to put your phone number on your front lawn?
Jul 9, 2008 at 8:06 pm rating: +6
#19
aaa
Why is the sign-writer so sure that the mystery paintballer is a crappy child with crappy parents? The only reason I can think of is that in the state of Florida, it’s illegal for crappy children with good parents, drunk high schoolers and college students (under their own free will and not that of their parents), and mischievous senior citizens to possess paintball guns and accessories.
I’ll bet $100 that the door was shot by a group of seniors out on a day trip. Studies show that those bastards are full of more vim and vigor than ever before.
Jul 9, 2008 at 8:18 pm rating: +15
#20
amy d
Name the idiot is my favorite game show.
Jul 9, 2008 at 8:19 pm rating: +7
#21
Canthz_B
Sign posting neighbor ≅ Idiot neighbor
Jul 9, 2008 at 8:27 pm rating: +2
#22
Delurker
“People in glass houses shouldn’t cast paintballs.”
~anomous
Jul 9, 2008 at 8:48 pm rating: +31
#23
Lisa
Upon closer review of the signs, I don’t think his door was shot with a paintball, but rather, his door was shot with a pain + ball.
What I want to know is how his door was able to convey the pain it was feeling after being hit with a pain & and a ball.
Jul 9, 2008 at 8:49 pm rating: +3
#24
secondsout
I wish to remain “anomous.” See, sir, the person who shot paint at your door was, umm, RunBarbara. I swear! My $250, please!
*runs away quickly with fistful of cash*
Jul 9, 2008 at 9:08 pm rating: +3
#25
park rose
C’mon already with the greater than, less than comments. HTML’s a bitch to get right on cardboard.
Jul 9, 2008 at 9:11 pm rating: +10
#26
James
I too wish to remain enormous, ah, anomous.
Jul 9, 2008 at 9:25 pm rating: +2
#27
agirlie
So this is what happened to the childern.
Jul 9, 2008 at 9:40 pm rating: +5
#28
SomeGuyWhoNeverComments
Excuse me?!? What? You want one flaming bag of dog shit your porch? Coming right up!
Jul 9, 2008 at 11:27 pm rating: +10
#29
morpho aurora
is there such a thing as a partial idiot? unless you run over the idiot with the lawnmower and lose a few pieces
the sign maker should just be happy they got the door closed before the little bastards got a shot off! after the neighborhoodlums see these signs the maker better not take out the trash after dark for a while
Jul 9, 2008 at 11:33 pm rating: +4
#30
Mishee
Crappy Parents…. Bozo Kids
Caring Parents…. Very Nice Kids
Sybil alone in the house with some posterboard and a magic marker…. Priceless.
Jul 9, 2008 at 11:37 pm rating: +14
#31
maytagman
Hmm, you know what I just figured out? This site is not as interesting when you visit everyday. Definitely an every-once-in-awhile kind of place. People are TRYING TOO HARD to be funny on here.
Jul 10, 2008 at 12:49 am rating: +5
#32
Ryan
Poor Spelling > Shitty Sign Writing
Jul 10, 2008 at 1:34 am rating: +2
#33
Ryan
The Door Sez: Those paintballs were Fucking Delicious!
Jul 10, 2008 at 1:35 am rating: +1
#34
Dennis
In fairness, the sign poster was handcuffed by draconian laws against shooting at said punk kids, so he or she had to make do as best they could.
Jul 10, 2008 at 4:01 am rating: +4
#35
tropicalwave
Should have TP’d the house…
Jul 10, 2008 at 5:01 am rating: 0
#36
Molly
I think I met this guy; a crotchety old man walked by my house the other day when a van of kids drove by and air horned his ass. Pretty damn funny if you ask me. Anyways, he stopped and ranted to me about how they drive around all day doing that while paintballing houses, cars, and “hobos”.
Jul 10, 2008 at 6:45 am rating: +1
#37
Brian
Who is the real idiot here? Once again someone whose property has already been attacked has chosen to provoke the attackers.
It seems like one simple “Is that all you’ve got?” sign would have been just as effective.
Jul 10, 2008 at 7:09 am rating: +8
#38
claw71
Nobody likes an idiot child but these notes are not accurate. The equations cited in the signs are faulty. Crappy parents are not necessarily greater than bozo kids. You have to consider the exponential values of intelligence, judgment and morality before you can draw such a conclusion. In the dad=idiot theory, this poster did not show his work. How did he account for the factor of whoring mother? What about drug addled siblings, incompetent teachers and pederast pedophilic uncles?
I’m very disappointed in this effort. I expect more from somebody willing to teach parenting classes.
Jul 10, 2008 at 8:25 am rating: +17
#39
schrodingersduck
What happens if the parents are crappy because they are too caring? Do you get a bunch of very nice bozo kids? Is this the origin of Tim Nice but Dim?
Jul 10, 2008 at 8:35 am rating: 0
#40
Mung Bean
Actually, I give the writer credit here. In a fit of rage, you’d think he would’ve blanketed these signs with “idoit.”
The fact that “anomous” is the only egregious spelling error has got to be worth something.
Jul 10, 2008 at 8:47 am rating: +1
#41
JPav
Oooooh!! I love a “name the idiot” contest! I pick Tim.
Jul 10, 2008 at 8:52 am rating: 0
#42
xindi
Dad, you can take the signs down now. I shot the paintball.
Luv,
Son Little Idiot
Jul 10, 2008 at 10:15 am rating: +8
#43
GhostWriter
For the Ramones fans out there (and with hopes of winning maytagman’s favor…)
Well the front door’s all shot up- I’m ready to blow!
I’m ready to blow now…
They’ve shot my shutters
and they’re going to attack my sweet Corolla.
Oh, why can’t they behave?
His parents failed to raise
well-mannered children; really dropped the ball
Oh yeah, oh yeah…
Jesus, Dad! they’re punk ‘ballers
Keep ‘em off- my porch rocker!
See how it’s their drunk father’s fault?
Jesus, Dad! they’re punk ‘ballers
Keep ‘em off- my porch rocker!
See how it’s their drunk father’s fault?
Well he’s a bad, bad, a bad apple
bad bad, a bad apple
bad bad, a bad apple
bad bad, a bad apple
Well his kids are all messed up; they’re idiots too
They’re idiots too, now
They’ve got their airguns
And they’re going to destroy my signs, I know-ho..
They need some parenting
I’d take their guns away
Did I just hear you tell me, “Go To Hell”??
Oh yeah? OH YEAH??
Jesus, Dad! they’re punk ‘ballers
Keep ‘em off- my porch rocker!
See how it’s their drunk father’s fault?
Jesus, Dad! they’re punk ‘ballers
Keep ‘em off- my porch rocker!
See how it’s their drunk father’s fault?
Well he’s a bad, bad, a bad apple
bad bad, a bad apple
bad bad, a bad apple
bad bad, a bad apple
Jul 10, 2008 at 11:02 am rating: +13
#44
claw71
As Don bitterly wiped the water soluble dye from his door he fumed over the state of parenting these days. “Damn Liberals,” he muttered to himself as he squeezed the sponge.
Damn Liberals indeed. For little did Don know that the culprit who errantly shot his door with a pink paint ball was none other than little Eric Masterson, a boy who suffered from autism. A boy who, back in Don’s days, would have been dismissed as an idiot and shuffled off to an asylum.
Thanks to so-called liberal initiatives like special needs education and mainstreaming Eric Masterson was able hone socialization skills and learn tasks most people with autism could never comprehend. In fact, the gun that propelled the paint ball that temporarily stained Don’s door was one the Eric created.
You see, while Eric struggled with traditional learning mechanisms like text books, he did have an uncanny ability to see physical objects in pieces. So one day while he was at the park playing in the sand the sound of paint ball guns drew his attention and the machinations of his mind focused on how they were built.
These blueprints became and obsession with Eric and he immediately set about building his own paint ball gun with parts from around the house. He stripped apart the new Dyson cyclonic vac, borrowed copper tubing from the plumbing and fashion his own paint ball out of corn starch, sugar and Easter egg dye. When Eric fired that gun he had no idea where it was pointed, those issues were of no concern to a boy with autism. He was only watching to see if the components he’d assembled worked.
Eric never meant to fire on Don’s door and he would had happily admitted to the offense if only Eric was capable of reading and talking.
Still, Don was the victim here and even though his door was clean after just a few light passes with a damp sponge, the scar of being targeted by vandal would haunt him forever. It didn’t matter if Eric was destined to become an important inventor, eventually creating a surgical device that could perform emergency heart bypasses without cutting the skin. It didn’t matter that in a few years Don would owe his life to that device. His door had been violated and he would not rest until there was blood. The blood of an idiot.
Jul 10, 2008 at 11:05 am rating: +29
#45
bigtime loser
The T’s look like inverted crosses. Can the note writer also be making some pagan statement about holy war?
Jul 10, 2008 at 11:10 am rating: 0
#46
claw71
Or Bob Marley:
I shot the door
Because my father is an idiot…
All the doors in my hometown
are colored like a clown
The signs all say it was me
but the blame is on my daddy
Jul 10, 2008 at 11:13 am rating: +1
#47
Timo
Your Dads an idiot
he wears a unitard.
Now you punk kids
get outta my yard!
Burma Shave
Jul 10, 2008 at 11:24 am rating: +9
#48
Mldjstd
Because I grew up learning to read from left to right, I initially read these as….
the tree ! son
your = idiot little
dad idiot
remain 813
anomous
10 lessons class (the ‘free’ part really screwed me up)
crappy bozo
parents kids
caring very nice
parents kids
And punk in quotation marks. What did sign writer actually mean by that ?
* As a side note, I just heard yesterday that our beloved Bozo passed away last week. RIP, Larry
Jul 10, 2008 at 11:26 am rating: +2
#49
AuntyBron
I met Bozo once. He didn’t seem crappy at all. In fact I thought he was very nice, although he was a bit clownish. He let me play with his hula-hoop.
Jul 10, 2008 at 12:16 pm rating: +1
#50
kat
Now….didn’t Bozo just die? Izzit a coincidence here by any chance hmm?
Jul 10, 2008 at 12:56 pm rating: +1
#51
claw71
It should be Idiot Parents=BOGO Kids…you don’t expect idiot spawn to fetch retail prices, do you?
Jul 10, 2008 at 1:06 pm rating: +2
#52
kclicquot
Finally, the real reason Graham need not apply!
Jul 10, 2008 at 1:51 pm rating: +1
#53
Sheepish
Back in High School Matt was the coolest boy in his class. All the boys wanted to have his prowess on the football field and all the girls wanted him to ask her to the Monthly Sock Hop.
One day after class Matt was hanging out behind the bleachers with his best buddy Steve. They were chatting about football and the killer English test that Matt had failed.
After a break in the conversation Matt got up the nerve to confess to his best friend that he wanted to be ‘intimate’ with him. Steve punched him in the face and ran away.
The rest of the year was torture for Matt, always wondering when his secret would get out.
He resolved to never give in to his natural urges again and married the first girl he knocked up.
Later in life, still living in the same town, he is a miserable, middle aged man. Steve lives down the street and still gives him judgmental looks whenever they have to be at social functions with their families.
One day Matt comes home from his gas station attendant job to find his door splattered with paintballs.
“Must be Steve’s damn kid, I know he got him a paintball for his birthday last week. My kid won’t shut up about how we can’t afford the nice things like Steve’s family!”
In his sexually frustrated rage Matt made up signs to point out to Steve that he won’t be pushed around like that anymore.
Really, Matt just wants to be loved.
Jul 10, 2008 at 2:38 pm rating: +5
#54
MJ
Love the use of the greater than and less than signs in the last sign.
Jul 10, 2008 at 3:11 pm rating: +1
#55
Paintball "Punk"
I’m claiming this name as my own.
So > there
Jul 10, 2008 at 3:32 pm rating: +1
#56
KittyKat
Name the Idiot sounds like a contest I would totally enter. I want to name the idiot RALPHY, but I think Mishee has dibs on that, so I’ll choose Crabapple Annie.
Jul 10, 2008 at 3:50 pm rating: +1
#57
Shane
One thing I love about this blog is that I get so wrapped up in reading the tangential comments, that I forget what the PAN was in the first place.
Jul 10, 2008 at 5:49 pm rating: +3
#58
tropicalwave
Wait, did he really get paintball’d or is he just trying to get attention. Like the little man we had up our street. We would yell at us for being on his lawn but if we weren’t there he looked sad and forlorned..
We should all go paintball his house. Lets make a little old man happy.
Jul 10, 2008 at 8:25 pm rating: +1
#59
Elena
I’ve never in my life seen someone mix up the greater than symbol with the equal symbol.
Jul 11, 2008 at 3:29 am rating: 0
#60
Potty Mouth
Maybe it was the parent whom shot the door of a whiney ass neighbor! Can probably identify the perp by the “my kid beat up your honor student” bumper sticker on the back of his or her old beat up chevy.
Jul 11, 2008 at 12:28 pm rating: 0
#61
Becky
Wow, I wonder how much this guys spent on the materials for his notes!
Jul 11, 2008 at 3:51 pm rating: 0
#62
Cathy C
Yet another contender for the Darwin awards.
Jul 12, 2008 at 11:07 am rating: 0
#63
TheMaskedAvenger
A HA HA HA!!! Oh… That’s great lol. I mean it’s kind of stupid to shoot someone’s door with a paintball gun but don’t you think the receiving end is overreacting just a tad?
Jul 13, 2008 at 6:41 am rating: 0
#64
Loki Synistar
“Now I’m gonna have nightmares about Paleolithic atavists with tails and fur-like bodies armed with Sharpies, cardboard, and poor parenting and spelling skills.”
great that’s just the image i needed to go along with MY nightmares of pandas with paintball guns and lawn signs held like protest signs
Jul 15, 2008 at 4:33 pm rating: 0
#65
Anonymouse
Why didn’t he just set up cams in his windows to catch the culprit in the act next time? I’m seriously waiting for people to do that to my 14 year old nephew, then I’ll laugh my ass off when he gets hauled off to juvie. I mean, first of all, committing vandalism in your own neighborhood = stupid. Doing so repeatedly to the same houses = extra stupid. It would truly be epic lulz if someone waited up for him, then tazered the brat.
Jul 15, 2008 at 7:43 pm rating: +1
#66 get your “nozzle” off my “hose”
[...] related: sheena is a paintballer [...]
Jul 20, 2009 at 9:50 pm rating: 0
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