sheena is a paintballer

July 9th, 2008 · 177 comments

where do you suppose this “anomous” tampa, florida resident stands on the whole nature-vs.-nurture debate?

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FILED UNDER: "helpful" advice · CAPS LOCK · crazypants · dubious scientific claims · exclamation-point happy! · florida · gloriously redundant · irregular capitalization · kids today · moms & dads · neighbors · spelling and grammar police · tampa · the lawn · unnecessary "quotation marks"

177 responses so far ↓

#1 amy d

I always wondered who Bozo the Clown’s parents were.

Jul 9, 2008 at 7:13 pm rating: +22

reply to this comment
- #1.1 secondsout
  
  And do you wonder if they have red noses, enormous feet, and really pale skin?
  
  Jul 9, 2008 at 9:01 pm rating: +2
- #1.2 amy d
  
  Thanks, 2nds. Now I’m gonna have nightmares about Rudolph the Red-Nosed Vampire Clown.
  
  Jul 9, 2008 at 9:18 pm rating: +8
- #1.3 deaddrift
  
  No no, you see crappy parents are GREATER THAN bozo kids, while caring parents are greater than very nice kids.
  
  Don’t thank me, just doing my job.
  
  [edit] oh, i see i’m not the only one to make this observation. oh well.
  
  Jul 9, 2008 at 11:44 pm rating: +15
- #1.4 Lurker
  
  He skipped Math 101 to take Parenting 101, I guess
  
  Jul 10, 2008 at 1:42 pm rating: +2
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#2 Mark

Wow. Where to start.

I wish to remain anomous.

What is the need for a reward for information? It seems the signposter already knows the little idiot “punk” bozo son (note — can’t be a daughter or hermaphrodite, obviously, as males are the only ones that ever shoot paintballs) and the idiot crappy dad. Otherwise, how would the signposter know the relative idiocity of both?

Also, crappy parents are apparently greater than bozo kids, and by the same token, caring parents are greater than very nice kids.

Finally, GET OFF MY LAWN, YOU WHIPPERSNAPPERS!

Jul 9, 2008 at 7:16 pm rating: +30

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#3 harmonicpies

I wonder which is tackier, paint splatter on the front door or PAN signs arrayed on the front lawn, Burma Shave style?

Jul 9, 2008 at 7:18 pm rating: +25

reply to this comment
- #3.1 Joe
  
  The perfect paint job
  is now gone.
  You anomous kids,
  get off my lawn!
  
  Burma Shave!
  
  Jul 9, 2008 at 7:39 pm rating: +47
- #3.2 secondsout
  
  Not to mention that the paint in paintball guns is water-based, it should wash off pretty easily. So it’s not like the paint is permanent - just wash the damn thing off and not have the ugly signs all over the place.
  
  Jul 9, 2008 at 7:43 pm rating: +4
- #3.3 Joe
  
  Well-raised children
  won’t throw fits.
  But Bozo’s folks
  weren’t worth two sh**s.
  
  Burma Shave!
  
  Jul 9, 2008 at 7:52 pm rating: +33
- #3.4 Canthz_B
  
  Apples don’t fall
  far from tress.
  That’s why your child
  acts like a sleaze.
  
  Burma Shave!
  
  Jul 9, 2008 at 8:06 pm rating: +27
- #3.5 Kev Orng
  
  One of my favourite things about this site is all the Oompa Loompa songs in the comments!
  
  edit: I just googled Burma Shave and now I understand. The Oompa Loompas used to write ad slogans for some shaving cream company. cool
  
  Jul 10, 2008 at 1:28 pm rating: +10
- #3.6 Savat
  
  I have to admit that I had no idea what you all meant by Burma Shave so I googled it. How funny!
  http://www.fiftiesweb.com/burma1.htm
  
  Jul 10, 2008 at 2:06 pm rating: +1
- #3.7 Captain OCD
  
  I remember. Dear God, I’m old!
  
  Now all of you, off my damn lawn!!!
  
  Jul 10, 2008 at 5:48 pm rating: +1
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#4 zombieBlanco

PaintBaller Punks and the Total Idiot Parents who raised them- on the next Geraldo!

Jul 9, 2008 at 7:18 pm rating: +16

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#5 park rose

Hmmm… all the t’s seem to be lowercase (apostrophe added for ease of reading).

The more fundamental one’s beliefs are, the more fundamental one’s spelling and penmanship is bound to be.

Jul 9, 2008 at 7:29 pm rating: +10

reply to this comment
#6 park rose

Parenting lol. Yep, that about sums it up.

Jul 9, 2008 at 7:30 pm rating: +27

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#7 Sarah

Name the idiot that shot paintball? Well, given that your dad = idiot, by the Substitution Property of Equality, your dad shot paintball.

You can send the $250 to my PayPal.

Jul 9, 2008 at 7:31 pm rating: +26

reply to this comment
- #7.1 Buffalo Tshirts
  
  Now sarah’s comment. Thats funny.
  
  Jul 9, 2008 at 11:02 pm rating: 0
- #7.2 Canthz_B
  
  It’s the Idiot Family (Idiot is capitalized so it’s a proper noun). It could have been any one of the Idiots.
  Mamma Idiot, Papa Idiot or any of the Idiot children.
  
  The reward remains unclaimed.
  
  Jul 10, 2008 at 6:19 am rating: +7
- #7.3 Kev Orng
  
  or to paraphrase Dark Helmet: I knew it! I’m surrounded by Idiots!
  
  Jul 10, 2008 at 1:32 pm rating: +1
- #7.4 Mishee
  
  Kev, I am pretty sure Dark Helmet was surrounded by assholes…
  
  Now, Dr. Evil, on the other hand, is surrounded by frickin’ idiots…!
  
  Jul 10, 2008 at 1:43 pm rating: +2
- #7.5 Kev Orng
  
  You’re right, but I was paraphrasing Dark Helmet, so I can mangle it to fit the context with no remorse!
  
  Dr. Evil may have been surrounded by frickin idiots, but they were idiots by profession, not by blood.
  
  Jul 10, 2008 at 2:04 pm rating: +1
- #7.6 Canthz_B
  
  Professional idiots! LOL
  Does that comment belong here or on the Cranky Server thread?! ROTFL
  
  Jul 10, 2008 at 2:16 pm rating: 0
- #7.7 Mishee
  
  Point taken Kev.
  
  I just like any excuse to quote Dr. Evil myself… or Dark Helmet for that matter…
  
  They are two of my most favorite villains in movie history…
  
  Jul 10, 2008 at 2:17 pm rating: 0
- #7.8 Sarah
  
  I’d rather be surrounded by sharks with frickin’ laser beams attached to their frickin’ heads!
  
  Jul 10, 2008 at 2:52 pm rating: +2
- #7.9 Shane
  
  Maybe Kev was quoting the ‘not premium cable’ dubbed over version.
  
  His mouth said assholes, but his voice said idiots.
  
  Jul 10, 2008 at 5:26 pm rating: +1
- #7.10 Mark
  
  My favorite dub:
  
  This is what happens when you find a stranger in the Alps!
  instead of
  This is what happens when you fuck a stranger in the ass!
  
  The Big Lebowski
  
  Jul 10, 2008 at 5:34 pm rating: +4
- #7.11 lieberhaeschen
  
  This is what happens when you feed a stoner scrambled eggs!
  
  when I saw this I laughed so hard it hurt.
  
  Jul 10, 2008 at 9:30 pm rating: 0
- #7.12 Jojo
  
  I love you for that can i send you 250 dollars
  
  Jul 11, 2008 at 2:40 am rating: 0
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#8 gingerE

Lesson 5 of PARENtiNG 101: Bonding with your son by shooting paintBALLS together.

Jul 9, 2008 at 7:34 pm rating: +12

reply to this comment
- #8.1 Canthz_B
  
  Lesson 6 of PARENTING 101: Teach your children not to name-call by calling your neighbor and his progeny idiots.
  
  Jul 9, 2008 at 7:58 pm rating: +7
- #8.2 anglophile
  
  Lesson 7 of PARENtING 101: Teach appropriate and effective methods of conflict resolution, such as posting crazy signs in your yard.
  
  Jul 10, 2008 at 2:06 pm rating: +9
- #8.3 Quite Contrary
  
  Lesson 8 of PARENtING 101: Demonstrate the importance of education through consistent use of proper spelling and grammar.
  
  Jul 10, 2008 at 3:03 pm rating: +8
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#9 secondsout

Maybe he meant that his animus towards these paintballers will remain?

Jul 9, 2008 at 7:34 pm rating: +5

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#10 zombieBlanco

As I reread the Burma Shave signs, I’m beginning to get an inkling of the impetus to shoot paint at the door in the first place: uppity neighbors that think they’re all that, but are really just assholes.

Jul 9, 2008 at 7:36 pm rating: +5

reply to this comment
- #10.1 secondsout
  
  If I were the kid with a paintball, i’d be tempted to aim for the windows next time.
  
  Jul 9, 2008 at 7:38 pm rating: +11
- #10.2 zombieBlanco
  
  even money that each of those signs is splattered by morning
  
  Jul 9, 2008 at 7:44 pm rating: +24
- #10.3 bellabeastie
  
  I’m In. Done. I’ll go double or nothing that it’s the signs and then some.
  
  Jul 9, 2008 at 11:25 pm rating: 0
- #10.4 Quite Contrary
  
  One teeny tiny correction, zb. Asspandas, not assholes.
  
  Jul 10, 2008 at 12:04 am rating: +3
- #10.5 zombieBlanco
  
  QC-
  
  Aside from Oxford Drama, I try avoid catchphrases that are more than a day or two old.
  
  love,
  Dustin
  
  Jul 10, 2008 at 12:20 am rating: +4
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#11 secondsout

So wait, crappy parents are greater than bozo kids? I don’t understand.

Jul 9, 2008 at 7:37 pm rating: +8

reply to this comment
- #11.1 aaa
  
  Well, adults tend to have more mass than children. So on a whole, yes, it makes sense that crappy parents are greater than bozo kids and caring parents are greater than nice kids. But how do niceness and crappiness affect the equation? Will very nice kids be greater than crappy parents?
  
  Jul 9, 2008 at 8:01 pm rating: +7
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#12 Sarah

Upon rereading the note, I couldn’t help but notice the interesting melange of capital and lowercase letters. Did someone forget to take Alphabet 101?

Jul 9, 2008 at 7:38 pm rating: +3

reply to this comment
- #12.1 Amy
  
  Lowercase l!!
  
  http://lowercasel.blogspot.com/
  
  Jul 10, 2008 at 3:52 am rating: +3
- #12.2 Gez
  
  One of the first things I saw too.
  
  Jul 14, 2008 at 7:23 am rating: 0
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#13 Canthz_B

Shouldn’t that be:

Caring parents >Crappy parents

Very nice kids>Bozo kids?

Jul 9, 2008 at 7:46 pm rating: +7

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- #13.1 Sarah
  
  I think I figured it out. The sign writer was trying to make arrows, i.e. crappy parents ==> bozo kids. But the sign writer was an idiot and also an asspanda, and therefore failed.
  
  Jul 9, 2008 at 9:20 pm rating: +7
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#14 Canthz_B

There really is nothing worse than an artificial parent, you know.

Jul 9, 2008 at 7:52 pm rating: +5

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#15 dp

Somebody is not being very strict with his/her strict inequalities.

Jul 9, 2008 at 7:58 pm rating: +2

reply to this comment
- #15.1 Tom
  
  I couldn’t help noticing the use of inequalities when the strict equals sign would have been more appropriate. Maybe a basic math class could be included.
  
  Jul 9, 2008 at 9:27 pm rating: +2
- #15.2 Al
  
  What the sign in TRYING to say is that the crocodiles go for the parents. Every time.
  
  Jul 10, 2008 at 12:17 pm rating: +14
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#16 Wade

Note Writer ≡ Idiot

Jul 9, 2008 at 7:59 pm rating: +9

reply to this comment
- #16.1 Joe
  
  I would have thought that Idiot is a set.
  i.e., Note Writer is in Idiots
  
  (Darn thing won’t show the element symbol.)
  
  Jul 10, 2008 at 8:06 am rating: +6
- #16.2 Sarah
  
  Do you really think the note writer grasps the concept of a set?
  
  Jul 10, 2008 at 2:54 pm rating: +1
- #16.3 Mark
  
  Well, it should be obvious to even the most dim-witted individual who holds an advanced degree in hyperbolic topology, ng-bwui, that the sign poster has stumbled into… the paintball dimension.
  
  Jul 10, 2008 at 3:13 pm rating: +3
- #16.4 Wade
  
  Joe
  
  were you going for Note Writer ∈ Idiots?
  
  cuz i think that works too.
  
  Jul 10, 2008 at 3:44 pm rating: 0
- #16.5 Mark
  
  That should be {Note Writer} ? {Idiots}.
  
  Edit:dammit, the symbol didn’t show up right!
  
  Jul 10, 2008 at 3:49 pm rating: 0
- #16.6 Mark
  
  Dammit, the ? “element of” symbol didn’t show up right! Argh!
  
  Edit: Mark FAIL. I’ll shut up now.
  
  Jul 10, 2008 at 3:55 pm rating: 0
- #16.7 Canthz_B
  
  {Idiots} ∋ {Note Writer}
  
  Jul 10, 2008 at 4:03 pm rating: 0
- #16.8 Joe
  
  Wade: Yes, that’s exactly what I was going for! It looked fine in the text window, but wouldn’t show up in HTML, at least the way I was doing it.
  
  Jul 10, 2008 at 7:52 pm rating: 0
- #16.9 Wade
  
  That’s weird, Joe. I used the numeric code (#8712) instead of isin. Wordpress can be a little, um, touchy.
  
  Jul 10, 2008 at 7:58 pm rating: 0
- #16.10 Joe
  
  Didn’t know the code, so I found the symbol on the Wikipedia page and copy-pasted it. No surprise it didn’t work that way.
  
  Jul 11, 2008 at 8:13 am rating: 0
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#17 aaa

Ah, never mind. Can’t read.

Jul 9, 2008 at 8:02 pm rating: 0

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#18 se

How stupid is it to put your phone number on your front lawn?

Jul 9, 2008 at 8:06 pm rating: +6

reply to this comment
- #18.1 aaa
  
  Well, as was discussed in a previous PA note, signs on your front lawn are the historical incarnation of providing the public with two much information about ourselves. Many of us may not remember a time without Myspace, LiveJournal, or Facebook, but this, in addition to tenting your house to exterminate termites, is what the Neanderthals did when they had something t hey wanted to share with the world.
  
  Why put your phone number on your front lawn, you ask? Well se, the human mind is designed to withhold information from others as a form of protection. This defense mechanism is very ancient indeed; the fossil record shows that it shows up in our earliest human ancestor, Homo habilis. After lying and deceiving all day, the human mind needs release. We are driven to release the truth in an environment we find “safe.” In our minds, this roughly translates to anonymous. As such, a great many of us air our dirty laundry in the seemingly anonymous environment of the internet. This is why we can find millions of blogs and social networking profiles that detail everything from fun day trips and crappy coworkers to movie reviews and details of sex lives. Unfortunately, many are falsely lulled into a sense of security by the internet, causing them to either let some very personal details slip, such as phone numbers, names, and photos, or to post information that is offensive to someone in their meatspace that is aware of their online enclave.
  
  This person is engaging in the Paleolithic practice of voicing their opinions on cardboard. Either this person is an experimental archaeologist who is attempting to learn more about ancient man or this person is displaying some sort of atavistic trait, or, in a sense, devolving. Usually these archaeologists are arrogant pricks and cannot allow themselves to fully embrace these “barbaric” practices, forcing them to use modern conventions such as correct spelling and capitalization. Thus, the sign-writer has obviously reverted to a more animalistic and primitive state, shown by the refusal to use such modern devices as computers, the internet, and printers. This atavistic trait is somewhat comparable to humans with tails or fur-like body and face hair. However, use cardboard signs go more deeply than these superficial traits to the very core of the affected person’s psyche.
  
  In short se, this person is an idiot.
  
  Jul 9, 2008 at 8:46 pm rating: +27
- #18.2 PANU
  
  “meatspace”
  
  Jul 9, 2008 at 9:28 pm rating: +7
- #18.3 aaa
  
  Did I seriously write “two much” instead of “too much”? *headdesk*
  
  Jul 9

painfully polite and hilariously hostile writings from shared spaces the world over

sheena is a paintballer

July 9th, 2008 · 177 comments

177 responses so far ↓