garçon à la pipe?

July 13th, 2008 · 140 comments

this masterpiece is a gift from the collection of zedral (morgantown, west virginia, 2008). the original installation also includes a trail of small arrows pointing customers toward the register, along with multiple post-it reiterations along the way.

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FILED UNDER: "customer service" · CAPS LOCK · excessive underlining · retail hell

140 responses so far ↓

#1 Delurker

Perhaps you should change your name, eh, Rover?

Jul 13, 2008 at 10:33 pm rating: +2

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#2 cassandra

Is she foaming at the mouth?

Jul 13, 2008 at 10:34 pm rating: +2

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- #2.1 Nate
  
  That’s not foam….
  
  Jul 13, 2008 at 10:39 pm rating: +14
- #2.2 Southern Girl
  
  right, it’s not foam, she’s just happy to see you.
  
  Jul 13, 2008 at 10:46 pm rating: +7
- #2.3 secondsout
  
  I actually think that’s the tape that is holding the sign down. Sure looks like someone jizzed on her chin, though.
  
  Jul 14, 2008 at 3:48 am rating: +8
- #2.4 bellabeastie
  
  It’s Burma Shave !!
  
  Jul 14, 2008 at 8:03 pm rating: +3
- #2.5 Shane
  
  It was Burma Shane… I got a little excited waitin’ for my pipe..
  
  Jul 15, 2008 at 12:04 pm rating: 0
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#3 Southern Girl

Depending on what kind of pipe it is, ppl get antsy waiting in line. They want it NOW! Especially if it’s the Super Blunt behind her shoulder….

Jul 13, 2008 at 10:45 pm rating: +1

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- #3.1 Abe Froman
  
  Super Blunts aren’t technically pipes, they are wraps. So , I guess you can actually whistle and yell out ” Yo Bitch, let me get a wrap!” from across the store.
  
  Jul 14, 2008 at 12:16 am rating: +1
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#4 Canthz_B

If I don’t want God’s love can I just say “Here Girl” or “Here Boy”?

Jul 13, 2008 at 10:51 pm rating: +17

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- #4.1 secondsout
  
  I bet the dude behind the counter would be really mad if you tried to have him fixed.
  
  Jul 14, 2008 at 3:50 am rating: +1
- #4.2 Bunnee
  
  But it is OK to hog-call?
  
  Jul 14, 2008 at 6:41 pm rating: +1
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#5 Canthz_B

Hmm, They’re selling pipes in WV now? Must have been a poor corn harvest.

Jul 13, 2008 at 11:00 pm rating: +16

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#6 SomeGuyWhoNeverComments

Please suck, as in put my penis in your mouth and lick, my dick while I steal, as in take without paying for at the register, a pipe.

Jul 13, 2008 at 11:00 pm rating: +15

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- #6.1 SquirrelBrains
  
  That is a strange way of describing fellatio. I think more is involved.
  
  Jul 14, 2008 at 11:55 pm rating: +2
- #6.2 SomeGuyWhoNeverComments
  
  I’m sure the fact you have experience giving blowjobs means you’d know exactly what is involved a lot better than I would.
  
  Jul 15, 2008 at 1:46 am rating: +1
- #6.3 KittyKat
  
  You say you have no experience? Hmmm, I thought BOTH participants in a blowjob got to experience it, but maybe I’m wrong.
  
  Jul 15, 2008 at 9:33 am rating: 0
- #6.4 SomeGuyWhoNeverComments
  
  KittyKat - reading comprehension FAIL. I said “. . . experience giving blowjobs . . .” Clearly implying that since I have never given a blowjob, I would be less qualified to explain what is involved. Try and keep up, honey.
  
  Jul 15, 2008 at 11:46 am rating: +2
- #6.5 SquirrelBrains
  
  I have no problem admitting that when it comes to a good blow, no one can top me.
  
  Jul 15, 2008 at 6:25 pm rating: +2
- #6.6 I love you
  
  Will you marry me, SquirrelBrains?????
  
  Jul 17, 2008 at 5:30 pm rating: 0
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#7 Canthz_B

The first part of this sign could work in a church.

For the love of God please go and get in line at the register.

No need to sit through a sermon or anything. Just go to the register, pay up and go home.

Jul 13, 2008 at 11:06 pm rating: +23

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- #7.1 claw71
  
  Do I still get to eat Jesus and drink his blood?
  
  Jul 14, 2008 at 9:21 am rating: +12
- #7.2 Canthz_B
  
  Only if you use a credit card.
  
  Jul 14, 2008 at 6:53 pm rating: +4
- #7.3 bellabeastie
  
  Only if you don’t whistle, clap, or snap your fingers or mumble “Hey You”. Then and only then can you eat Jesus and drink His blood.
  
  And get a pipe.
  
  We have Rules here.
  
  Jul 14, 2008 at 6:56 pm rating: +3
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#8 Troy McClure

If you just whistle or clap
Or arrogantly wait there and snap
Your finger (just one?
sounds painful), undone
Will your pipe sale remain, lazy sap.

If you want pipes then you should
Not do anything that you would
If we were canine.
Instead get in line
At the register. Is that understood?

Jul 13, 2008 at 11:11 pm rating: +19

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#9 snee

i’m guessing they don’t have a “ring if you need service” bell.

just a hunch.

Jul 13, 2008 at 11:13 pm rating: +2

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- #9.1 Quite Contrary
  
  Service? You think they have service?
  
  Jul 14, 2008 at 12:15 am rating: +3
- #9.2 SquirrelBrains
  
  Ring the customer in front of you if you want service.
  
  Jul 14, 2008 at 11:56 pm rating: 0
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#10 zombieBlanco

Snap your finger?
Probably hard to load that bowl with just a single digit.

Jul 13, 2008 at 11:22 pm rating: +16

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- #10.1 Mishee
  
  A dedicated smoker has many talents. You should’ve seen Mr. Mishee roll a fat joint with one hand when he had a broken arm!
  
  Jul 14, 2008 at 12:46 am rating: +5
- #10.2 zombieBlanco
  
  But can he roll a pinner with two broken arms?
  
  Jul 14, 2008 at 1:15 am rating: +1
- #10.3 TuesdayPillow
  
  Yeah, I find it hard to believe that people are snapping a finger in half just to get a pipe. These counter people sure are melodramatic.
  
  Jul 14, 2008 at 5:38 pm rating: +3
- #10.4 Canthz_B
  
  I find it hard to believe that people have resorted to performing musical numbers just to get a pipe.
  
  Now “Little Brown Jug” is stuck in my head!
  
  Jul 14, 2008 at 6:58 pm rating: +2
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#11 RALPHY

Geez-I’m looking at the girls mouth and wondering if they really do that to dogs. I guess only in W.V.

Jul 13, 2008 at 11:23 pm rating: 0

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- #11.1 bellabeastie
  
  Sometimes you are a complete Asspanda Without a Clue.
  
  Jul 14, 2008 at 8:06 pm rating: +3
- #11.2 bellabeastie
  
  A.W.O.A.C. = RALPHY
  
  Jul 14, 2008 at 9:08 pm rating: +3
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#12 Canthz_B

“Hey Cletus, snap yer finger ‘n brush yer tooth.”

Jul 13, 2008 at 11:29 pm rating: +11

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#13 Quite Contrary

And if you don’t love God, what are you supposed to do to get their attention?

Jul 14, 2008 at 12:17 am rating: +5

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- #13.1 bellabeastie
  
  Duh — wait at the register until it’s time to serve the heathens.
  
  Could be a while…
  
  p.s. no mumbling
  
  Jul 14, 2008 at 7:42 pm rating: +1
- #13.2 Quite Contrary
  
  Can I whistle?
  
  Jul 15, 2008 at 10:01 am rating: 0
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#14 Mishee

Where is this store?

Must. Go.

Hey, I need a new pipe anyways…

I sure as hell don’t want to see the requisite “Call it a Water Pipe, Not a Bong Or We Will Act Like We Don’t Know What You’re Talking About” sign…

Believe me, they exist. And now that I think of it, I must go to my local headshop to get a picture.

Jul 14, 2008 at 12:45 am rating: +4

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- #14.1 claw71
  
  Every head shop in Columbus has signs warning you that any reference to illegal drugs or illegal smoking hardware will result in your immediate dismissal from the store.
  
  That makes it really hard to ask important questions like how difficult it is to scrape resin out of the pipe to get that desperation hit when you’re 12 hours from getting paid.
  
  Jul 14, 2008 at 8:50 am rating: +13
- #14.2 Mishee
  
  claw - I love you and your vast knowledge of everything from cast iron cookware to scraping resin.
  
  We could make such the power couple!
  
  Jul 14, 2008 at 9:16 am rating: +3
- #14.3 Nathan
  
  Cast Iron?
  
  Is Claw Amish?
  
  Jul 14, 2008 at 12:03 pm rating: 0
- #14.4 claw71
  
  Power couple? Based on what I’ve been able to gather from your comments and knowing what I do of myself I don’t know what we’d have power over…perhaps together we’d aspire to rule over the trailer park lot renters association?
  
  And yes, Nathan, I am Amish…and if you don’t watch your step I’ll churn your wife’s butter. You know what they say about us, don’t you?
  
  Once you go dutch, you’ll be sweating much.
  
  Jul 14, 2008 at 12:14 pm rating: +10
- #14.5 Mishee
  
  you read my mind, my love!
  
  Jul 14, 2008 at 12:18 pm rating: 0
- #14.6 Mark
  
  ‘Tis a fine barn, but surely ’tis no pool, English…
  
  (Claw, I loves me some cast iron too)
  
  Jul 14, 2008 at 12:19 pm rating: +2
- #14.7 Mishee
  
  At least he isn’t a shiftless Mennonite!!
  
  Jul 14, 2008 at 12:32 pm rating: +2
- #14.8 grumpygranolagirl
  
  Oh… we gonna raise that barn tonight.
  Oh… down beside that lantern light.
  Oh… we gonna raise that barn tonight.
  Black bonnet girls you make the Amish world go ’round!
  
  Hey Greta! Show us some ankle!
  
  (Many apologies to the Electric Amish http://www.electricamish.com)
  
  Jul 14, 2008 at 2:51 pm rating: +5
- #14.9 Mark
  
  Stolen wholesale from Weird Al (with apologies to Coolio):
  
  As I walk through the valley where I harvest my grain
  I take a look at my wife and realize shes very plain
  But thats just perfect for an amish like me
  You know I shun fancy things like electricity
  At 4:30 in the morning Im milkin cows
  Jebediah feeds the chickens and jacob plows… fool
  And Ive been milkin and plowin so long that
  Even ezekiel thinks that my mind is gone
  Im a man of the land, Im into discipline
  Got a Bible in my hand and a beard on my chin
  But if I finish all of my chores and you finish thine
  Then tonight were gonna party like its 1699
  
  We been spending most our lives
  Living in an amish paradise
  Ive churned butter once or twice
  Living in an amish paradise
  Its hard work and sacrifice
  Living in an amish paradise
  We sell quilts at a discount price
  Living in an amish paradise
  
  A local boy kicked me in the butt last week
  I just smiled at him and I turned the other cheek
  I really dont care, in fact I wish him well
  cause Ill be laughing my head off when hes burning in hell
  But I aint never punched a tourist even if he deserved it
  An amish with a tude?
  You know thats unheard of
  I never wear buttons but I got a cool hat
  And my homies agree
  I really look good in black… fool
  If you come to visit, youll be bored to tears
  We havent even paid the phone bill in 300 years
  But we aint really quaint, so please dont point and stare
  Were just technologically impaired
  
  Theres no phone, no lights, no motorcar
  Not a single luxury
  Like robinson caruso
  Its as primitive as can be
  
  We been spending most our lives
  Living in an amish paradise
  Were just plain and simple guys
  Living in an amish paradise
  Theres no time for sin and vice
  Living in an amish paradise
  We dont fight, we all play nice
  Living in an amish paradise
  
  Hitchin up the buggy, churnin lots of butter
  Raised a barn on monday, soon Ill raise anutter
  Think youre really righteous?
  Think youre pure in heart?
  Well, I know Im a million time as humble as thou art
  Im the pious guy the little amlettes wanna be like
  On my knees day and night scorin points for the afterlife
  So dont be vain and dont be whiny
  Or else, my brother, I might have to get medieval on your heinie
  
  We been spending most our lives
  Living in an amish paradise
  Were all crazy mennonites
  Living in an amish paradise
  Theres no cops or traffic lights
  Living in an amish paradise
  But youd probably think it bites
  Living in an amish paradise
  
  Ahh-ahh-ahh-ahh-ahh-ahh
  Ahh-ahh-ahh-ahh-ahh-ahh-yecch!
  
  Jul 14, 2008 at 3:22 pm rating: +8
- #14.10 bellabeastie
  
  That is effin’ fantastic…. I think “medieval on your heinie” is my favorite.
  
  Yo - gonna partay like it’s 1699! … el-oh-el
  
  Jul 14, 2008 at 7:06 pm rating: 0
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#15 Kate

I actually went to college in Morgantown, WV and have been in this store a million times. It is FULL of passive aggressive notes, part of its charm I guess.

Jul 14, 2008 at 3:23 am rating: +2

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#16 Jsmoke

What kind of head shop is this? We wouldn’t put up with this PA sign crap in Santa Cruz. The “holier than thou” stoners will just ignore your ass until you leave. The only sign you’ll see is “Free Mumia” .

Jul 14, 2008 at 3:37 am rating: 0

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- #16.1 pistola
  
  Santa cruz= worst locals ever. I love sc but the locals ruin it nine times out of ten.
  
  Jul 14, 2008 at 12:22 pm rating: +1
- #16.2 Quite Contrary
  
  I’m related to some of the Santa Cruz locals. Why do you think I live in Southern California?
  
  Jul 14, 2008 at 12:50 pm rating: 0
- #16.3 Mishee
  
  QC - Oh yeah, those SoCal locals are just sooooooo wonderful too!
  
  I love S’Cruz… the locals are colorful and fun to laugh at while you smoke your joint on the beach…
  
  Jul 14, 2008 at 1:09 pm rating: +1
- #16.4 Quite Contrary
  
  But I’m not related to them, thank god.
  
  Jul 14, 2008 at 4:57 pm rating: 0
- #16.5 Captain OCD
  
  Sweet! Where I can I get me some Mumia for free?
  
  Jul 14, 2008 at 5:07 pm rating: +2
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#17 secondsout

If you need our, like, help, you can, like, find us at the cash register eating Doritos and stuff. It’s, like, fuckin’ awesome you’re looking for a pipe, you know. Yeah…

Jul 14, 2008 at 3:47 am rating: +9

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#18 jess

i love the den. they have the best signs/notes ever.

Jul 14, 2008 at 5:33 am rating: 0

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#19 grumpygranolagirl

You have to take a number to get the Chore Boy.

Jul 14, 2008 at 7:05 am rating: 0

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#20 Nicolas

Since “Pipe” is a word for Blowjob in France that’s funny :p

Jul 14, 2008 at 7:18 am rating: +2

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#21 P'chick

Wait… so this is NOT a hardware store??

Jul 14, 2008 at 7:55 am rating: +4

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#22 agirlie

Is that an Atticus poster in the background?

Jul 14, 2008 at 7:58 am rating: 0

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#23 Lurker

I ‘ve spent about six weeks in West Virginia visiting friends, and it is indeed difficult to have any conversation without God being invoked in some manner or other.

Jul 14, 2008 at 8:38 am rating: +2

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- #23.1 claw71
  
  Did you spend six weeks in West Virginia one weekend?
  
  Jul 14, 2008 at 9:20 am rating: +1
- #23.2 bellabeastie
  
  I drove through West Virginia once.
  
  And once was enough. urrgh.
  
  Jul 14, 2008 at 7:19 pm rating: +1
- #23.3 Bunnee
  
  I, too, drove through W.V. once, and all of the rolling hills with shacks built into them gave me motion sickness. Or some other kind of sickness, I’m not sure…
  
  Jul 15, 2008 at 10:39 am rating: 0
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#24 xindi

Snap ya fingers! Ask for help!
You can do it all by yo self!
Let me see you do it!

Jul 14, 2008 at 8:38 am rating: +9

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- #24.1 claw71
  
  WHAT?!?
  
  YEAH!!!!!!!
  
  OKAY!!!
  
  Jul 14, 2008 at 8:41 am rating: +6
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#25 claw71

Knowing what I do about Morgantown, home of West Virginia University…the only university with an accredited Masters of Couch burning program, I have to admit that I would be tempted to post a similar sign. True, it would be more direct but I would ultimately resist that temptation because I would realize that this is a head shop in the dumbest part of one of the dumbest states in the Union. Even if the patrons can read, they won’t bother.

Do you suppose if Harold and Kumar had been from Morgantown they would have been jonesing for Tudor’s Biscuit World rather than White Castle?

Jul 14, 2008 at 8:39 am rating: +9

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- #25.1 jess
  
  the den isn’t a head shop.
  
  Jul 14, 2008 at 3:46 pm rating: 0

painfully polite and hilariously hostile writings from shared spaces the world over

garçon à la pipe?

July 13th, 2008 · 140 comments

140 responses so far ↓