Our anonymous submitter in California — pleading innocence — says she was singled out with this note in a barn that houses 60 other horses and their hay.
This note’s lack of obvious sitcom-ish puns — with the exception of “breeding good vibes” — makes me think that maybe I’ve been doing this too long…or perhaps that I haven’t been giving horses enough credit.
related: four legs good, two legs bad
extra credit: fourteen passive-aggressive appetizers [thenewyorker.com]
135 responses so far ↓
#1
Beth
Points off for no smiley faces or have a nice day. The threat to go to management is uncreative at best. Throwing in karma gets an extra 0.5 bonus.
I give it 7.5.
Jul 15, 2008 at 2:14 pm rating: 5
#2
Almost Mishee
Two to show on Bad Vibes.
Jul 15, 2008 at 2:14 pm rating: 5
#3
Mishee
Hey! Filcher! Leave that hay alone!
Jul 15, 2008 at 2:15 pm rating: 25
#4
Mishee
Somebody might want to show the note writer the way to the comma key.
(on a side note, WHO the fuck is “Almost Mishee”?? Don’t hate me cause you ain’t me!!)
Jul 15, 2008 at 2:17 pm rating: 4
#5
Not Nearly Mishee
I (the fuck) am A.M. Sorry, Mishee, I filled in this name at a time when Being Mishee was in high demand. I was not Not Mishee, though. Sorry. I will change my name. I will change it now. Goodbye and sorry, thanks Terry.
Jul 15, 2008 at 2:21 pm rating: 1
#6
secondsout
Ahh, California. In the south, the horse owners wouldn’t talk about bad karma and breeding bad vibes; there would be vague threats to hang the person who is stealing hay. In California, however…
Jul 15, 2008 at 2:21 pm rating: 9
#7
Jill
Can’t see the image.
Jul 15, 2008 at 2:26 pm rating: 1
#8
secondsout
If dude keeps careful track of his hay, maybe he could do an analysis of the local horse’s road apples to see if he can find which horse has been ingesting his oh-so-precious special hay.
Jul 15, 2008 at 2:27 pm rating: 7
#9
TC
The New Yorker article is perfect. Almost makes me want to go to culinary school… if I only weren’t so apathetic and self-loathing.
I fucking hate Cheryl too. Vegetarians are always so self-righteous.
Jul 15, 2008 at 2:28 pm rating: 3
#10
claw71
I’d like to put $50 on Bad Karma to win, $100 on Bad Vibes to place and…who’s the “7″ horse?Is that Management? I’ll take it to show.
Jul 15, 2008 at 2:29 pm rating: 24
#11
Amy
I’m gonna steal your moms hay.
Jul 15, 2008 at 2:30 pm rating: 2
#12
amy d
“What goes around, comes around.”
Submitter is (and by implication, has been) frequently out of hay. Now, hay is missing from “a lot of people”, especially the note-writer.
I believe he/she has just implicated himself.
Jul 15, 2008 at 2:31 pm rating: 3
#13
Haynonymous
Hmmm, if there is a problem with hay theft, wouldn’t the person running out of the stuff be the least likely suspect? If there was a thief it would be a person who does not run out of hay.
Just sayin…
Jul 15, 2008 at 2:36 pm rating: 20
#14
claw71
What sort of “hay” is this anyway? Seems like people are feeling awfully groovy in this stable.
Jul 15, 2008 at 2:39 pm rating: 3
#15
Quite Contrary
Dear Thanks:
It has come to my attention that you frequently jump to conclusions. And there seems to be conclusions missing from a lot of people. My conclusions in particular seem to be going really fast. I keep very careful track of my conclusions and there are people who are watching my conclusions as well.
I do realize it is difficult to obtain facts and proof. And we all do what we can for the welfare of others. But jumping to conclusions is not the answer. I really hope you find another way to deal with your situation. If this continues I will be forced to go to management.
We all are here for the horses and there fore must get along, and by jumping to conclusions you are breeding bad vibes. Also, if you continue to jump to conclusions that is bad karma for you. What goes around comes around.
Try to remember that the next time you jump to conclusions.
Hello There.
Jul 15, 2008 at 2:40 pm rating: 113
#16
amy d
This note was obviously written by a scarecrow.
Jul 15, 2008 at 2:41 pm rating: 19
#17
claw71
You know, I just can’t resist a little CCR for this one:
HAY, tonight…
don’t steal my hay tonight
I’ve got people spying
tonight
Hay, come on
it’s not something to borrow
tonight, tonight
Gonna hide up in the rafters
watching down
You need to get religion
burn in hell
Hay come on
I’ll have to buy a gun
tonight, tonight
Hay tonight
don’t steal hay tonight
Don’t even try your lying
tonight, tonight.
Jul 15, 2008 at 2:46 pm rating: 9
#18
claw71
Won’t somebody please think of the horses?
Jul 15, 2008 at 2:47 pm rating: 16
#19
Joe
Maybe it’s not theft; maybe it’s just your run-of-the-mill abiogenesis. The hay is just turning into mice.
- Aristotle
Jul 15, 2008 at 2:50 pm rating: 19
#20
Mishee is a fat pig who eats boogers and smokes cheap weed
Horses aren’t as hung as you’d think.
Jul 15, 2008 at 2:51 pm rating: 4
#21
Fresca
What kind of passive-aggressive appetizers can one make with hay, I wonder?
Jul 15, 2008 at 2:53 pm rating: 1
#22
amy d
I should have gigglebraxed this to 21, sorry.
Anyway, Fresca, how about hay fever?
Jul 15, 2008 at 3:00 pm rating: 0
#23
Canthz_B
I’m loaded with bad vibes.
I wonder what I could charge a breeder in stud fees.
Jul 15, 2008 at 3:02 pm rating: 7
#24
Kev Orng
My my, hay hay;
Bad karma is here to stay;
Whoever took it,
is gonna pay;
My my, hay hay.
Jul 15, 2008 at 3:03 pm rating: 5
#25
DanOhh
Say Nay! to Frayed Hay!
Jul 15, 2008 at 3:08 pm rating: 0
#26
glastonberry
“Hello there” ?
This guy’s smoking his hay.
And it reminds of Happy Gilmore, to wit:
Just stay out of my way or you’ll pay, listen to what I say.
Hey, why don’t I just go and eat some hay. I can lay by the bay, make things out of clay, I just may, what’d ya say?
Jul 15, 2008 at 3:13 pm rating: 8
#27
Delurker
It’s true, what goes around comes around, so just follow the horses around with a shovel. You’ll get your hay back, honestly.
Jul 15, 2008 at 3:19 pm rating: 27
#28
sizeXS
I must confess. I stole the hay. Fortunately, that hay was fucking delicious!
Jul 15, 2008 at 3:21 pm rating: 12
#29
Canthz_B
The writer is not there for the horses.
He/She is clearly there for good vibes and tranquil karma.
Jul 15, 2008 at 3:26 pm rating: 2
#30
Jeshi
Let me just say,
That hay was fuckin delicious
Jul 15, 2008 at 3:29 pm rating: 0
#31
Schuyler Hauser
A little David Bowie:
Hay, man
Oh, leave me alone
Hay, man
Oh, Henry, get off that roan
Hay, man
I gotta straighten my face
This mellow-thighed horse just put my stall out of place
I also noticed that the writer says that they keep close track on their hay and people are watching their hay. If so, why not confront the perpetrator with, “Dude, don’t bogart my hay!”
Jul 15, 2008 at 3:50 pm rating: 4
#32
unholyghost2003
I’m with S’Out @ 18.1. Anyone who has ever owned a horse has seen said horse steal shit. Given any opportunity a horse with snatch apples from a barrel, cokes from the counter, and hay from anywhere nearby. My mother’s childhood horse would steal bubblegum from local children.
Jul 15, 2008 at 3:50 pm rating: 10
#33
Summer
Nay saying hay taker!
Jul 15, 2008 at 3:53 pm rating: 2
#34
Canthz_B
“Hey Jude”–Beatles
‘Hay’ Dude,
I am no thief.
Take your problems,
Up with the management.
Keep your nose,
Out of Black Beauty’s stall.
I have folks too,
Who watch over my shit.
Jul 15, 2008 at 3:59 pm rating: 10
#35
Ryan
Wiiiiiiiild Horsesssssss could be stealllllin yourrrrr haaaaaaaaaaay!
Jul 15, 2008 at 4:10 pm rating: 10
#36
Zsa
Thank God I never had to board my horses (we had a barn). I got enough drama from the jodhpur-wearing, richie-rich blondies in my hunt-jump classes. “You sneezed when I went over that jump and it is ALL YOUR FAULT my horse knocked the rail and was disqualified. Waaaaa… Daddy! buy my way back into the finals!”
Jul 15, 2008 at 4:13 pm rating: 2
#37
Mishee
I am coming up with a new site: http://www.icanhazbarley&oats.com and my first one will be a horse stealing hay with the caption:
“iz in ur barn
steelin’ ur hay!”
Jul 15, 2008 at 4:26 pm rating: 11
#38
Bunnee
Someone needs to let the letter-writer know that “therefore” is one word. And, “I keep careful track of my hay and there are people watching my things.” Geesh! Paranoid much? How, pray tell, can you keep track of HAY?! (that’s like trying to find a needle in a, um,…never mind)
Jul 15, 2008 at 5:01 pm rating: 10
#39
Mung Bean
Is there a reason why no one is blaming the horse for this state of affairs? Maybe he’s like some kind of evil genius horse, who can unlatch his little gate, walk on over, scarf down other horses’ hay, and then scurry back and make it look as if nothing happened.
I think this theory warrants further investigation.
Jul 15, 2008 at 5:11 pm rating: 3
#40
Timo
Hello back,
You have not looked closely or you would see that it is Sarah Jessica Parker I am hiding in my stall. She does not eat hay nor Timothy grass. However if you have some righteous bud I am sure she would bogart that. Just a warning. As soon as the fallout from that piece of crap movie subsides she will be gone. So chill barn friend never met.
Jul 15, 2008 at 5:21 pm rating: 11
#41
Mishee, I Am Your Biggest Fan
For the love of God, tell me that’s not a hay sandwich in the clip-art bin!
Jul 15, 2008 at 5:59 pm rating: 0
#42
Sydney
Shorter PAN: I think you might be stealing hay. No, wait, I’m SURE you’re stealing my hay. Scratch that, I know you WILL steal my hay in the future! So when you steal my hay, remember this note. Thank you.
Jul 15, 2008 at 6:04 pm rating: 13
#43
Victoria
Hay,
I have a horse. This hay stealing thing is so bad I sleep in my horse’s stall, and she stays at home in my AIR CONDITIONED house. Hay is very expensive, more expensive than a horse. Better off just buying hay. Hay can’t ever buck you off or bite you. Safer, cheaper, better.
Jul 15, 2008 at 6:32 pm rating: 6
#44
Canthz_B
Mister Ed: Yes, Wilbur. I stole the hay. What are you going to do about it?
Wilbur Post: *picks up telephone* Operator, get me the Acme Glue Company please.
Mister Ed:
Jul 15, 2008 at 7:28 pm rating: 9
#45
secondsout
Hay Hay, what can I do?
I’ve been out running and I’m hungry too
Hay Hay, what can I say?
I got a jockey wanna ride all day
Hay Hay, what can I do?
I’m a big horse, I eat hay all the time
Hay Hay, what can I say?
I said I got a little jockey that I wish I threw
Jul 15, 2008 at 8:02 pm rating: 3
#46
Mishee
We could always have Frau Blücher come over to the stables and teach those thieving horses a thing or two.
I hear they are terrified of her!
Jul 15, 2008 at 8:19 pm rating: 12
#47
ArchivistJohn
Everybody knows HAY is for horses.
Jul 15, 2008 at 8:43 pm rating: 2
#48
Lisa
Dear Thanks,
I don’t know what you are talking about. I have never, nor will I ever steal hay.
Straw on the other hand…
Signed,
Hello There
Jul 15, 2008 at 9:09 pm rating: 1
#49
xindi
hay is such a funny word… just wondering, is this the same management to go to for hygiene bin issues?
Jul 15, 2008 at 9:17 pm rating: 0
#50
agirlie
HAY!
Jul 15, 2008 at 9:50 pm rating: 0
#51
Schuyler Hauser
All this talk of horses makes me think of only one thing:
“Blücher!”
Jul 15, 2008 at 10:18 pm rating: 0
#52
snee
you steal my hay?!
BUCK YOU!
Jul 16, 2008 at 1:59 am rating: 4
#53
tropicalwave
I think the writer should fire the people that are watching his hay because if his hay is being stolen then they aren’t doing their job.
You know the first place I would look is at those that are supposed to be watching, they are stealing. Come on if you are going to jump to conclusions lets jump on all of them…
Jul 16, 2008 at 2:01 am rating: 2
#54
aaa
y hello thar. buttsecks?
Jul 16, 2008 at 7:48 pm rating: 0
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