writes an anonymous federal employee in colorado: “this morning we were reminded via an office-wide email that we must comply with the official timekeeping rules.”
that means recording the correct time on our time sheets, not being absent during core hours without submitting a leave slip, not being off campus except for lunch hour or approved leave — you know, everything short of requiring hall passes to use the restrooms. (really, would you expect anything less from the united states government?)
later that a day, a print-out appeared on the bulletin board for a training called “dealing with difficult people.”
this follow-up note was posted soon after.
adds our submitter: “as far as i know, no one has actually been fired or threatened with firing for not complying.” (again, this is the federal government we’re talking about.)
related: four approaches to ice-cube maintenance
extra credit: “the audacity of government” [thisamericanlife.org]
201 responses so far ↓
#1
César
Scare Tactics from the government. Why am I not supprised?
Jul 16, 2008 at 3:35 am rating: +5
#2
Troy McClure
To the note-writers: I wouldn’t be confused if you were doing it right.
Is this the level of eloquence expected from the federal government? Anonymous PA notes help solve the problem … i.e., get you a job at McDonalds? A step up, I suppose.
And maybe I slept through the relevant Friendship 101 class, but am I supposed to be not letting my friends go to work until they’re on the verge of getting fired?
What these notes say I’m not sure
Which parts are sarcastic’s obscure
At least I take heart
To know that some part
Of the government’s awesome and mature
Jul 16, 2008 at 4:44 am rating: +25
#3
reyna ulikba
Nothing is more mature than to leave another p/a note to counteract the first one.
I suppose the use of Oxford commas would similarly result to some bureaucratic spanking or (gasp!) getting fired? or another p/a note…
Jul 16, 2008 at 4:49 am rating: +4
#4
ALA
Oh, please! No one fears being fired by the federal government. You’d pretty much have to freebase a kitten in the lobby of the Hoover Building in order to get fired.
Jul 16, 2008 at 5:02 am rating: +52
#5
RALPHY
I didn’t know WalMart had taken over the Fed .Admin. When did they grow balls and become King.
Jul 16, 2008 at 6:38 am rating: +2
#6
schrodingersduck
I’m confused – who’s terrified of losing their job? The person who wants to go work, or their friend who is trying to stop them?
Also “you wouldn’t be afraid if you were doing it right” should totally be the epigraph on a book about dangerous sex.
Jul 16, 2008 at 7:12 am rating: +23
#7
Rev Matt
I work at a federal facility (not in CO). This is not a joke. Accounting fraud (e.g. time card shenanigans) are grounds for immediate termination of contractors and PIP (performance improvement plan) of Civil Service employees.
On my project alone a half dozen contractors have been fired on the spot for time card related offenses in the past 5 years. CS *can* be fired for time card abuse, and it’s just about the only thing they can be fired for.
Don’t mess with the accountants.
Jul 16, 2008 at 7:13 am rating: +1
#8
grumpygranolagirl
Your government at work.
Jul 16, 2008 at 7:37 am rating: +1
#9
me
im a federal government contractor – and we dont have ANYTHING like this going on @ my place. Out of being here for 5 years, i havnt seen anyone get fired. the way to get rid of people is to give them a “package” (severance) and ive only heard of about 3 given out.
Crazyness is among us in the halls: married people screwing their married bosses, lazy people not showing up for meetings they have called, extra long long lunches, squirt guns, tons of passive agressive notes from one of the admins, watching youtube and tv in your office. guess thats the difference between fed employees and fed contractors.
the only problem we have is with our cafeteria vendor – they force you to order their food for meetings, and actually sent a memo out stating that you cant share any “unathourized outside food that was not purchased from the cafeteria”. horribly sucky
Jul 16, 2008 at 8:04 am rating: +3
#10
Delurker
You want fries with that?
Jul 16, 2008 at 8:08 am rating: +2
#11
agirlie
Huzzah! I’m lovin’ it!
Jul 16, 2008 at 8:11 am rating: +6
#12
GhostWriter
third note…
CORRECTION:
MY notes help solve the problem. Quit workin my side of the street!
UR DOIN IT WRONG!
PS: You are not being awesome and mature…
Jul 16, 2008 at 8:12 am rating: +5
#13
Joe
The original note writer, while clever, could have done a lot better. For example, would this not be much more amusing to see around the office?
Just don’t get me started on the heartless/brainless (and courageless?) retort.
Jul 16, 2008 at 8:19 am rating: +4
#14
claw71
I love the comparison to McDonald’s because, as the second note points out, there is a big difference between working at McDonalds and working for the FEDERAL GOVERNMENT.
You see, at McDonald’s wages tend to be lower than average, benefits are nil and time off is a rare and unexpected treat. Workers are expected to meet ambitious performance standards and promotions are based entirely on merit. McDonald’s understands who it serves and strives to exceed the expectations of its customers.
McDonalds is a model of efficiency. Through the years McDonalds has wisely invested money into developing technology and techniques that minimize waste, reduce costs and increase consistency in the finished product.
Knowing this, I find it difficult to imagine anybody confusing McDonalds with the Federal Government.
Jul 16, 2008 at 8:46 am rating: +45
#15
Ryan
Oh man, that Fear is just so Fucking Delicious!
(Super-Sized, please.)
Jul 16, 2008 at 8:48 am rating: +7
#16
Kungfu_Kitty
I’m lurker who is finally breaking her vow of silence thanks to fear;).
Anyway, glad to know that the government can also write p/a notes in spite to show someone up and look equally bad. Mature!
Jul 16, 2008 at 8:48 am rating: +2
#17
Mishee
Too bad these notes aren’t in the form of a deeply carved writing.
That would be awesome.
Jul 16, 2008 at 9:01 am rating: +6
#18
Fla Boy
And nobody signs their name. Both notes could have come from the same person as an office joke.
I retired from government work where 70% of the workers carried the 30% loafers. It is the 30% that give government workers a bad reputation.
Jul 16, 2008 at 9:07 am rating: +1
#19
tinkerbell2
That second note is clearly from someone in Human Resources. Casey, is that you? Awesome (and mature).
Wouldn’t Awesome and Mature be a good name for a pair of detectives in a straight-to-DVD cop buddy movie? One a maverick surf dude, one a wise old-timer.. played by Owen Wilson and Morgan Freeman.
Jul 16, 2008 at 9:07 am rating: +15
#20
se
If you are doing it right? being afraid? Is there a right or wrong way to be afraid?
Jul 16, 2008 at 9:08 am rating: +1
#21
GhostWriter
“You wouldn’t be afraid if you were doing it right!”
Oddly enough, this represents (in its entirety) the same legal briefing used to authorize warrantless wiretapping.
Jul 16, 2008 at 9:09 am rating: +16
#22
amy d
In Soviet Russia, time clock punches you!
Jul 16, 2008 at 9:12 am rating: +41
#23
AidelMaidel
Isn’t the person who photographed these notes just a little bit afraid for taking “unauthorized” photographs in a government office. Better call DHS on them!
And I would be willing to bet that the same smart-ass wrote both notes.
Jul 16, 2008 at 9:41 am rating: +2
#24
Em Tee
Can we also celebrate the fact that the first writer took the time to use four different fonts? What time saved in not using awesome clipart must have been spent on deciding which fonts would best convey their ire in the oh so witty note.
Jul 16, 2008 at 10:01 am rating: +12
#25
Quite Contrary
If you are reading these notes on unapproved leave, the terrorists win.
Jul 16, 2008 at 10:01 am rating: +19
#26
amy d
Fear. It’s not just for breakfast anymore.
Jul 16, 2008 at 10:02 am rating: +7
#27
Canthz_B
I don’t get it.
What’s wrong with an employer, government or private sector, requiring employees to be at work working except during lunch or approved leave? What’s the big deal over submitting correct time sheet information?
I would have totally agreed with note two if not for the McDonald’s crack. I’ve never worked for them, but I suspect that if an employee had someone punch their time-card for them because they were going to be late and spent the day smoking by the dumpster instead of making fries, they’d be fired much faster than a government employee!!
Jul 16, 2008 at 10:10 am rating: +9
#28
schrodingersduck
Reading the note when not on leave gets you fired. But if you don’t read the note, then you don’t know that reading the note will get you fired.
So unless you just happen to be on leave the first time you see that poster, you’re screwed.
Jul 16, 2008 at 10:28 am rating: +14
#29
schrodingersduck
This note is a glimpse into a strange and dystopian future, where the government will begin all messages with massive block-capitals proclaiming “FEAR” . As they grow more confident, we’ll begin seeing “HORROR“, “TERROR“, “DEATH” and eventually simply “CTHULHU FHTAGN” .
Jul 16, 2008 at 10:32 am rating: +8
#30
Canthz_B
I’m interested to see the original intra-office e-mail.
There has got to be more to this than asking employees not to lie about their hours worked and please don’t leave the office unless you’re on break. There’s just gotta be because that just doesn’t get me to “FEAR”.
Maybe I’m not doing it right.
Jul 16, 2008 at 10:34 am rating: +2
#31
Canthz_B
Stan: You’re late Dex.
Dexter: Sure I’m late. I’ll just write down that I was here on time, see? This is a safe government job, Stan.
What are they going to do? Send me to Abu Ghra–aarrgghh…
Stan: *Damn, he owed me ten bucks*
Jul 16, 2008 at 10:46 am rating: +13
#32
Mishee
*is starting to get concerned as the current thread has not yet turned the topic to “all about Mishee”*
Jul 16, 2008 at 10:55 am rating: +3
#33
Kate
I perceived the first note as a fun joke…. it’s so sad that people are losing their sense of humor and resorting to nasty responses.
However, I’m pretty passive aggressive myself, so I might see things a lot differently.
Jul 16, 2008 at 10:57 am rating: +1
#34
jodie
clearly the first one is just a goof. i used to leave notes like that around my office (also a government job, coincidentally) all the time when they were cracking down on us for ridiculous things. it’s the second note that’s dumb. the first note is really funny.
Jul 16, 2008 at 11:06 am rating: 0
#35
unholyghost2003
“you know, everything short of requiring hall passes to use the restrooms ”
makes it sound like “recording the correct time on our time sheets, not being absent during core hours without submitting a leave slip, not being off campus except for lunch hour or approved leave”
is unreasonable. Sorry Submitter and original note author, Rules like ‘Don’t lie on your time cards,’ ‘Don’t just take off during the middle of the day without requesting time off,’ and ‘Don’t just wander out of the building during work hours’ are very reasonable (even if #2 and #3 are a bit redundant).
Speaking as a former government employee, I must say that 80% of government employees suck. Give a set of rules like “Don’t wander off while we are paying you to work and then lie about it.” to ANYONE who doesn’t work for the government and they will look at you in shock and say, “Well, NO SHIT!” Only government employees hear such a thing and start crying about “fear tactics” and it being just “short of requiring hall passes to use the restrooms.” Lazy Bastards.
Jul 16, 2008 at 11:47 am rating: +10
#36
Canthz_B
I’m 100% behind any policy that makes government employees terrified of losing their jobs.
They can only serve the public better when they know how the rest of us live!
Jul 16, 2008 at 12:26 pm rating: +11
#37
claw71
The irony of the second note fulfills me.
Why is it the people who cast judgment on the basis of maturity so clearly lack it?
Jul 16, 2008 at 12:53 pm rating: +4
#38
claw71
You know who’s awesome and mature? Bea Arthur, baby. And then, there’s Maude.
Jul 16, 2008 at 1:22 pm rating: +1
#39
unholyghost2003
True confession: When I first saw the note title I thought it said “when the people fear their government, there is tranny.” I was so curious as to how fear of government causes transvestites …
Jul 16, 2008 at 1:24 pm rating: +2
#40
Canthz_B
This one time at band camp they told us not to go into the lake unless a lifeguard was on duty. They said someone could drown.
Seven of my friends and I rebelled against this onerous rule and obvious scare tactic and went swimming one night.
For some reason the Camp Director was furious with the five of us when we returned!
Jul 16, 2008 at 1:43 pm rating: +11
#41
laurie ruettimann
I love the workplace passive aggressive notes the best.
Jul 16, 2008 at 1:45 pm rating: 0
#42
Dina
Just want to state for the record that for the 3 years I worked at McDonald’s, we took bathroom breaks when we wanted, went on break whenever there was one available, and got all the free fried deliciousness we could stuff in our bellies.
Never once was there a PA note in our break room-maybe we were too busy feeding these Federal Workers their lunches?
Damn right they don’t work at McDonald’s, they’d never last a day!
Jul 16, 2008 at 2:01 pm rating: +1
#43
kat
haiku
fear of greasy fries
makes awesome mature cs
read on approved time
Jul 16, 2008 at 2:06 pm rating: +5
#44
cvp
Am I just totally lost? You mean that someone is saying that our tax dollars are only going to be paid out to people who are actually showing up to work and that is construed as a threat? Wow. I don’t even know what to think.
Jul 16, 2008 at 2:41 pm rating: 0
#45
Numinous
I AM awesome and mature.
Thanks so much for finally noticing.
Claw is more awesome though.
Jul 16, 2008 at 2:47 pm rating: 0
#46
Sheepish
I spent 3 years in call centre customer service hell.
A typical snapshot of the floor at any given time would look like this:
30 people chatting with their neighbours in the next cubicle,
10 people on a call with an irrational customer,
and 20 customers on hold.
I’m not saying I am the best-employee-ever (although I should have a mug with that inscribed on it) But I can do simple math.
I would wonder why those 30 reps couldn’t take one call each!?! Thus allowing for the customers on hold to go the f*ck away and we could all sit and wait for the next call and chat with our neighbours.
Shortly before I quit I realized what was going on. It was during my yearly review with my supervisor. She brought out a list of stats on my call times, my down time, breaks ect. My average call handle time was about 2 min 30 sec. Then she tells me that the goal handle time is 5 min. So to put it simply, I was working twice as fast as I needed to be.
From that point until I quit I took one call every 5 minutes and put tape over the blinking light on my phone that indicates how many people are on hold.
Jul 16, 2008 at 3:05 pm rating: +3
#47
DF
I don’t know the details of the timesheet in this particular office, but I do know that the trend is having employees keep a pretty detailed accounting of their daily activities – down to 10-15 minute intervals – using TimeDirect or some similar service. Since this can be time-consuming for people with many duties that take a few minutes here and there over the course of a week, there is a tendency to wait until the end of the day or the end of the week, and guesstimate time spent on each duty.
Obviously, having employees guess at their time usage kind of defeats the purpose of having a detailed time accounting system.
Jul 16, 2008 at 3:35 pm rating: 0
#48
Summer
hmmmm…yeah, about those TPS reports…
Jul 16, 2008 at 4:24 pm rating: +1
#49
SquirrelBrains
Who is this year’s Passive Aggressive Party (PAP) nominee for president?
Jul 16, 2008 at 5:17 pm rating: +1
#50
itmustbeken
YOU ARE AWESOME AND MATURE! really made the note for me.
Reminding us all that it’s so important to have a good ending.
Jul 16, 2008 at 5:41 pm rating: +1
#51
Mishee
I am starting to wonder what Federal Building there is in CO.
Something having to do with NORAD?
Jul 16, 2008 at 5:59 pm rating: 0
#52
aaa
Ahhh, hypocrisy. At least we know our government is working hard to fulfill the status quo.
Jul 16, 2008 at 7:49 pm rating: 0
#53
MadFed
I guess there should be clarification. The series of events went down like this:
Email sent out from supervisor saying something to the effect of “I have noticed people coming in late, and their timesheets are not reflecting this. This is a serious issue.”
Sometime later a common bulletin board had a flyer for a class on dealing with difficult people — implying the supervisor was being difficult. (I stole this off the bulletin board to determine if it was real.) Later the “FEAR” note appeared on the board, way down in the bottom corner. Sometime after that, the second note appeared, tacked right over the top of the other one. A short time after that they both disappeared.
The next day we got an email from supervisor again to the effect of “I merely mention that timesheet fraud is a first-time firing offense because it can and does happen. I was not implying that anyone’s jobs are immediately in jeopardy.”
Lots of people (not on approved leave) were taking pictures of this on their phone — it’s probably on facebook right now.
I am %90 sure I know who posted the first note, and about %35 sure on the second note.
I am actually in love with where I work because everything is so p/a all the time. The person I think posted the first note is a champion of breaking the rules and ass-licking enough to get away with it. I guess the person was mad that someone noticed their 555th tardbucks run of the day and felt threatened.
Essentially we just reorganized and everyone has new bosses and are flipping out because they have a new d1ck to suck and haven’t gotten the hang of it yet. But I do agree with the second note– If you aren’t the one coming in late, you can relax. If you are the one coming in late, stop it, then you too can relax — into your Hermann Miller chair with your ergonomic mouse and keyboard, listen to the white noise generator and blissfully accrue paid leave!
That’s what I do.
Jul 16, 2008 at 8:09 pm rating: +6
#54
Quite Contrary
You say you’re in love with work because it’s so p/a all the time, yet you are only 35% sure who wrote the second note?
Didn’t you write the second note?
PS That’s the conclusion I jumped to after I read your note. Based on my horse stable days, that means it’s the truth.
Jul 16, 2008 at 8:17 pm rating: +3
#55
summer
Next!
Jul 16, 2008 at 9:09 pm rating: +2
#56
Maryland Rubbernecker
I find this very amusing because, nobody ever, ever gets fired in federal government. They just get passed on to the next office. It takes months and month to get rid of a bad employee because there’s so much paperwork.
Jul 17, 2008 at 6:37 am rating: 0
#57
WorkerBee
I kept reading the title as “when the people fear their government, there is tranny.” Makes it much more interesting…and confusing.
Jul 17, 2008 at 10:51 am rating: 0
#58
hamburke
I worked for the federal government (EPA) as a contractor (lab-rat) and there were days I wished that certain people would just not show up! They didn’t know how to do their jobs anyway (seriously, if you’ve been working in the same lab for 28 years, learn how to use the DOS -based database – I did and I was only there for a year – and stick your used glassware in the bin labeled “dirty glassware” so I don’t have to guess when I retrieve it from your lab every morning) so it would actually have saved me time.
Jul 17, 2008 at 9:34 pm rating: 0
#59 american analog threat
[...] i like the idea of an junior-high-elective-style employment program. dance? restaurant management? government? you [...]
Jul 20, 2008 at 8:48 pm rating: 0
#60 Recent URLs tagged Rules - Urlrecorder
[...] recorded first by beelerspace on 2008-08-23→ “when the people fear their government, there is tyranny.” [...]
Sep 3, 2008 at 7:30 am rating: 0
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