I do, however, have a very charming coat rack

July 17th, 2008 · 151 comments

Christoph found this polite and friendly note on the door of his apartment in San Francisco. a reasonable enough request, to be sure, except for the fact that — despite his neighbor’s claimed omniscience — “I don’t own any exercise equipment.”

Admits Christoph: “The sound in question was likely a swivel chair…and my habit of rolling back and forth on it at 2 a.m.”

Dear Neighbor, A Polite and friendly note to let you know — I really do know every time you use the stair climber or exercise equipment that's in your bedroom area. Could you put some more carpet under the machine or something to make it quieter on the floor? I can hear everything you do in the bedroom area — the walls and floors in our apartments are very thin! Everything you say and do like walking around — I hear. I don't want to stop your exercise routine — but using the machine at 2am in the morning wakens me and your other neighbors. Thanks for helping

Meanwhile, Kate spotted this lonely stair-climber in the front yard of a nearby house in Snohomish, Washington. “It made me wonder whose stairmaster it really was,” Kate says, “and who wrote the note.” (A newly self-aware infomercial enthusiast? A bitter spouse?)

I'M FAT & LAZY! YOU STILL HAVE A CHANCE! FREE!

Alas, Kate says, “We may never know. The underused piece of exercise equipment was gone by morning.”

related: If you needed an excuse to skip the gym today
extra credit: The hawaii chair [youtube.com]

FILED UNDER: a little patronizing · hey fatty · irregular capitalization · neighbors · noise · San Francisco · Washington state


151 responses so far ↓

  • #1   Julianne

    I love how it is signed “BB”. As in B(ig) B(rother) can hear everything you do in your bedroom area.

    I lived in an apartment with thin walls once. I knew things about my neighbors that made me want to buy a house :>

    Jul 17, 2008 at 12:36 am   rating: 15  small thumbs up

     
  • #2   Canthz_B bang

    Exercise equipment gets one to self-awareness much faster than psychotherapy!

    Jul 17, 2008 at 12:41 am   rating: 7  small thumbs up

     
  • #3   Crash bang

    I wonder if “exercise equipment” is a polite way of saying… bed :lol:

    Jul 17, 2008 at 12:44 am   rating: 35  small thumbs up

     
  • #4   Canthz_B bang

    I’ve heard of an “out house”.
    How poor do you have to be to only have an “out apartment”?

    Jul 17, 2008 at 12:48 am   rating: 8  small thumbs up

     
  • #5   Crash bang

    Note #2

    I’m going for spouse sending a serious PAN to the other half…
    Hopefully they got the message 8O

    Jul 17, 2008 at 12:51 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

     
  • #6   Canthz_B bang

    If the walls and floors are that thin, why bother with a note?
    Just shout:
    “I can hear everything you do in the privacy of your home and am making an imaginary list of your belongings.”

    or

    “When are you going to screw that red-head again? She was a freak!”

    Jul 17, 2008 at 12:53 am   rating: 68  small thumbs up

     
  • #7   Troy McClure bang

    EXERCISE iN 20/60

    IF you sleep often get Disturb especially like last night between 1–3 am Caused by exercise marathon 6 times / 2 hrs, wonder if room 20 using drug eg: STEROIDS. We dont want any drug user disturb our sleep in the middle of the night / our peace at all times.

    Jul 17, 2008 at 12:56 am   rating: 10  small thumbs up

     
  • #8   Canthz_B bang

    You just have to love the redundancy of “2am in the morning”.

    Jul 17, 2008 at 1:02 am   rating: 27  small thumbs up

    • #8.1   amy d bang

      No I don’t and you can’t make me. :P

      Jul 17, 2008 at 7:23 am   rating: 13  small thumbs up

       
    • #8.2   Kev Orng

      That’s right up there with “ATM Machine” in my books.

      Team Redundancy Team strikes again once more.

      Jul 17, 2008 at 8:39 am   rating: 24  small thumbs up

       
    • #8.3   Joe bang

      Kev: No, it isn’t. 2am ante meridiem is up there with ATM machine. 2am in the morning is struggling to reach PIN number status.

      Jul 17, 2008 at 8:56 am   rating: 16  small thumbs up

       
    • #8.4   shane

      how about the constant redundancy heard on news stations and everywhere else surrounding 9/11/01 – “the two twin towers”…

      …too soon? :-o

      Jul 17, 2008 at 10:48 am   rating: 9  small thumbs up

       
    • #8.5   ndenunz

      The one that always gets me is HIV virus.

      Jul 17, 2008 at 2:29 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #8.6   The Other Leanne

      And GIS system.

      Jul 17, 2008 at 2:37 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #8.7   amazon bang

      Pantene is my favorite fortifying fortifier!

      http://www.pantene.com/NA/images/product/US/tr_fdf_treatment.png

      Jul 17, 2008 at 5:28 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #8.8   Canthz_B bang

      I just found Phisoderm Deep Cleaning Cleanser

      Jul 17, 2008 at 5:47 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #8.9   Moonsilver bang

      Hot water heater

      Jul 18, 2008 at 3:17 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #8.10   Paintball "Punk"

      I ascended up Mount Fujiyama at 2 A.M. in the morning to take out a withdraw from the ATM machine, but the LCD display stated I entered the wrong PIN number. That made me want to throw the damn thing into the La Brea tar pits.

      Jul 21, 2008 at 4:03 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #8.11   Verboten

      Or else the Rio Grande River. Thought I’d throw that in as an added bonus.

      Jul 23, 2008 at 4:34 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #9   Crash bang

    Note #2

    Man, if you’re that fat and lazy, and advertising it, maybe I should just wonder inside to see what else is for free…
    You don’t mind, do ya’ ?

    Jul 17, 2008 at 1:07 am   rating: 8  small thumbs up

    • #9.1   Canthz_B bang

      Just stay away from the kitchen and the pantry! ;-)

      Jul 17, 2008 at 1:12 am   rating: 12  small thumbs up

       
    • #9.2   Crash bang

      Note writer might get some exercise… 8O

      Jul 17, 2008 at 1:25 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #9.3   Timo

      Is it really necessary to crinkle that plastic wrapper for over an hour?

      Jul 17, 2008 at 9:49 am   rating: 8  small thumbs up

       
    • #9.4   taxman bang

      Yes

      *crinkle*

      Yeah. That’s the stuff…

      Jul 17, 2008 at 10:40 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #10   Canthz_B bang

    It’s time to admit defeat when you get more exercise putting your stair-master out on the lawn than you ever got by using the darned thing.

    Jul 17, 2008 at 1:11 am   rating: 18  small thumbs up

     
  • #11   SarahBelle

    Stair Master proves its superiority to the human race…yet again.

    Jul 17, 2008 at 1:58 am   rating: 15  small thumbs up

     
  • #12   reece

    I must be a perv or something but the first thing I thought of when I watched the Hawaii chair commercial was if it had a built in vibrator >< It looks so… wow; just wow. That chair is completely inappropriate.

    As for the “stair master” at 2am, I hope BB finds a partner and competes in “stepping” contests with the neighbors . I can just see the pans now.

    Jul 17, 2008 at 3:51 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #12.1   missnaturalatalent

      had to check out the Hawaii chair… WOW!! is all i can say… i do have to agree.. a vibrator would complete the whole idea… works everything from the rootie to the tootie… and everything in between….

      Jul 18, 2008 at 9:43 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #13   Maya

    I think the note from BB is not passive/aggressive at all and actually is quite polite and to the point. Making that kind of noise in an apartment building at 2 am is rude. Maybe you were not aware of the noise you were making, Christoph, but now you should stop. This reminds me of some torturous neighbors I once had.

    Jul 17, 2008 at 4:03 am   rating: 11  small thumbs up

    • #13.1   aaa

      *ahem*

      http://www.passiveaggressivenotes.com/wtf/

      Jul 17, 2008 at 6:12 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #13.2   GhostWriter bang

      If the “unbearable noise” that BB’s complaining about is a rolling office chair, I’d have to say, “Suck it up, BB; My taxes are due!”

      Jul 17, 2008 at 8:06 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #13.3   claw71 bang

      It’s not so much rude as it is inconsiderate. Rude is coming in out of the blue to rain on our PAN parade. If you don’t have no snark take your lame ass home.

      Jul 17, 2008 at 8:18 am   rating: 17  small thumbs up

       
    • #13.4   Joe bang

      I’m anti-Christoph as well. As if his name wasn’t enough, he has the gall to post his neighbor’s note here, ridiculing the false claims of working out at 2am, and encouraging us to join in mocking the fool’s error.

      Then he casually and guiltlessly admits that he still was making the offending noise, just via another means.

      He’s playing us for the fool! Team BB!

      Jul 17, 2008 at 9:03 am   rating: 12  small thumbs up

       
    • #13.5   unholyghost2003 bang

      I don’t know … its not like Christoph ate BB’s delicious bread …

      Jul 17, 2008 at 9:33 am   rating: 8  small thumbs up

       
    • #13.6   Bunnee

      But if he DID, BB would hear him…

      Jul 17, 2008 at 11:15 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
    • #13.7   Woahman

      I wonder if she can hear him clear his microwave? Does the incessant beeping keep her up?

      Jul 17, 2008 at 2:13 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #14   Burghardt

    Why does note #1 make me think of the Police song? “Every word you say, every step you take, I’ll be watching you”

    Jul 17, 2008 at 4:46 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #14.1   aaa

      That was the first song I included in my stalking-themed playlist.

      Jul 17, 2008 at 6:17 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #14.2   claw71 bang

      Hello is a better stalking song because poor Lionel had no idea how creepy it was.

      Jul 17, 2008 at 8:19 am   rating: 10  small thumbs up

       
    • #14.3   Timo

      The phone call is coming from inside the house!!!

      Jul 17, 2008 at 9:53 am   rating: 8  small thumbs up

       
    • #14.4   SarahBelle

      These PANs came from inside the house!!!

      Jul 17, 2008 at 10:36 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #15   Burghardt

    Good thing note #2 had a visual aid. Taken alone it sounds like the absolute worst personal ad ever.

    Jul 17, 2008 at 4:48 am   rating: 21  small thumbs up

    • #15.1   claw71 bang

      I can translate that note in to Craigs List if you like:

      Assertive BBW, likes chilling out, seeks Antonio Banderas-looking man for dinner and nights on the couch watching DVDs of “Fat Actress”

      Jul 17, 2008 at 8:23 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #15.2   RunBarbara bang

      BBW can roughly translate to “fat and polite,
      probably brought you a gift”.

      Curvy=fat and thinks telling people she has no gag reflex is hot

      Thick= fat and got kicked out of a grocery store for sampling

      Jul 17, 2008 at 12:51 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #15.3   Canthz_B bang

      A Few Extra Lbs. = In Denial

      Jul 17, 2008 at 12:55 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #15.4   RunBarbara bang

      Big Boned= can beat you up and finish an entire ham in one sitting

      Jul 17, 2008 at 12:58 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #15.5   Canthz_B bang

      Pleasingly Plump = in search of a chubby-chaser

      Jul 17, 2008 at 3:12 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #15.6   RunBarbara bang

      Rubenesque= thinks corsets make her look thin, boyfriend active at Ren Fairs

      Jul 17, 2008 at 3:50 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
    • #15.7   anglophile bang

      What does Fat mean?

      Jul 17, 2008 at 3:57 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #15.8   Canthz_B bang

      Fat means “Fuck you! I’m eating this and you can’t stop me!”

      Jul 17, 2008 at 4:17 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

       
    • #15.9   Anon

      Fat = low self esteem will ride the pony even if you are drunk and just threw up.

      Jul 17, 2008 at 4:18 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #15.10   Timo

      Can I get her to sit on me and eat a ham whilst beating?

      A Hamburg Hummer.

      Jul 17, 2008 at 4:20 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #15.11   Numinous bang

      Hey, you don’t have to be overweight to have low self esteem and be willing to “ride the pony” even if you are drunk and just threw up. Most of the college girls are like that, fat or not. (I was going to say all, but some are committed lesbians.)

      Jul 18, 2008 at 8:17 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #15.12   RunBarbara bang

      and of course by “committed” you mean “does it for attention at frat parties”.

      Jul 18, 2008 at 11:41 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #16   aaa

    #2 reminds me of that commercial for either the exercise equipment or that diet food for people who are too lazy to learn how to eat properly on their own or make their own food, the one where that pig-faced dude says, “I gave all my fat clothes to my fat friends.”

    Jul 17, 2008 at 6:04 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #16.1   Ashley

      I HATE THAT GUY!

      Jul 18, 2008 at 5:04 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #17   aaa

    Note #1

    Of course Cristoph wouldn’t admit to rolling around with a girl (guy?) at 2 am. Admitting such a thing would make him a PERVERT. :O

    If the Big Brother wannabe was really that good at hearing everything he says and does, then you think that they’d know that Cristoph didn’t have any exercise equipment.

    Jul 17, 2008 at 6:10 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #17.1   reyna ulikba bang

      exercise equipment = bed

      Jul 17, 2008 at 11:06 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #17.2   Canthz_B bang

      17.1 ≅ 3 ;-)

      Jul 17, 2008 at 12:52 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #17.3   aaa

      in bed at 2 am = poor man’s bench press

      And we all know that poor people don’t count. Ergo, he has no exercise equipment.

      Jul 17, 2008 at 1:34 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #18   GhostWriter bang

    Did BB ever stop to consider that his/her apartment is located right next to the building’s common stairwell?

    Team Free Christoph!

    Jul 17, 2008 at 8:09 am   rating: 10  small thumbs up

     
  • #19   claw71 bang

    So Christoph is an idiot then? He admits that he has this penchant for rolling back and forth in his swivel chair in the wee hours of the morning but doesn’t explain why? So I imagine it’s just some sort of OCD thing. Exercising at that time of night is a little odd but an adult giddily rolling about in a swivel chair is creepy.

    Jul 17, 2008 at 8:13 am   rating: 17  small thumbs up

    • #19.1   Sirius bang

      After checking his website, I have reached the conclusion that Christoph is rolling his chair back and forth rhythmically while perusing the internet. Someone needs to tell him that he could hold the chair still and move his hand, and still get the same desired effect.

      Jul 17, 2008 at 12:04 pm   rating: 14  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #20   Mishee bang

    Don’t lie Christoph – you know you were rolling your swivel chair cause you were freaking out over the fact that Truman found his way out….

    You should be ashamed.

    Jul 17, 2008 at 8:16 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

     
  • #21   GhostWriter bang

    Remember when Captain Kirk was battling Spock in hand-to-hand combat, in Amok Time?

    I believe Kirk’s final words, after Spock bested him, were:
    I’m fat and lazy… you still have a chance!!

    Jul 17, 2008 at 8:23 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

    • #21.1   claw71 bang

      I never saw the episode in question but thanks to The Cable Guy I’m familiar with the scene.

      Jul 17, 2008 at 8:25 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #21.2   Timo

      Ah yes the ritual combat of Pon-Far.
      Vulcan sex is freaky. I think it involves desk chairs as well.

      Jul 17, 2008 at 9:58 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #21.3   Canthz_B bang

      The penultimate “Spock kicks Kirks ass” scene is found in This Side of Paradise.

      Jul 17, 2008 at 1:04 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #21.4   Timo

      I must make a correction; it is spelled Pon-Farr and the combat to the death is Kalifee. When the female may chose to the combat to the death between her chosen mate and another of her choosing.

      Jul 17, 2008 at 2:13 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #21.5   Canthz_B bang

      Since we’re making corrections, I used “penultimate” incorrectly. I meant “best Spock/Kirk fight”.

      Here’s the scene.

      Jul 17, 2008 at 5:09 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #21.6   Mishee bang

      *all she sees in #21.5 is “spork fight”* – now I wouldn’t mind seeing a video of that! :D

      Jul 17, 2008 at 5:31 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #21.7   Burghardt

      Shat-tastic! Anyone have any plastic I can crinkle!

      Jul 17, 2008 at 9:40 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #22   unholyghost2003 bang

    O.K. Given that Christoph is both a writer and a student I will consider the possibility that he actually was just rolling in a swivel chair at 2am. I find it doubtful since “Stairmaster” was actually called out and they make a distinctive and stationary thumping noise quite unlike the sliding scrape of a swivel chair rolling over a floor, but really Chris, if you are out there, you could have just admitted to us that you were dating someone new. Granted, we are here to judge but if you are at all familiar with this site you would know we were/are going to assume the noise was you screwing like a bunny in April anyway. Why not just fess up? I do give you bonus points because despite being an artist it seems that you usually truncate the potentially pretentious name Christoph to Chris. Go you!

    Note 2. I don’t know about the Stairmaster belonging to someone other than the note writer. I have been known to give away purchases to people while saying “Yeah, I thought I was a more interesting person. I’m not. Take it!” I know my fat and lazy butt too well to ever purchase exercise equipment but I suppose everyone has that place where the person they want to be/think they are is nothing like the person they ACTUALLY are and foolishly shop for the potential rather than the reality.

    Jul 17, 2008 at 8:27 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

     
  • #23   claw71 bang

    You know, if I happened to be the downstairs neighbor I’d probably invest in a cheap white noise machine so I could get some sleep. Then I’d make sure to wake chair boy up as I left for work.

    Then again, if I inadvertently offended one of my neighbboors with late night noise and they responded in such a manner I would press my naked ass to the floor and fart as hard as I could.

    God, I wish I lived in a poorly constructed apartment.

    Jul 17, 2008 at 8:28 am   rating: 13  small thumbs up

    • #23.1   Kev Orng

      Yes, we have a neighbour in the next townhouse who has random weeknight parties when his mom’s away. He hasn’t had one for a while though. We decided that since he’s a music fan, he’d probably appreciate it if we pushed our big speakers up against our shared wall and cranked up some classical music for him before we left for work at 6 the next morning.
      Some kind of classical conditioning I think… loud hip hop after midnight = loud Beethoven at 6am. I think he’s learned.
      But we put it on a sleep timer so it wouldn’t disturb our cat for too long.

      Jul 17, 2008 at 8:49 am   rating: 18  small thumbs up

       
    • #23.2   Quite Contrary

      Because, at the end of the day, it is all about the cat.

      Jul 17, 2008 at 10:38 am   rating: 23  small thumbs up

       
    • #23.3   Sirius bang

      I wonder what Stanley Kubrick could do with that classical conditioning idea.

      Jul 17, 2008 at 11:49 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #23.4   RunBarbara bang

      claw, you are welcome to move in with me. my next door neighbor sings Meatloaf songs and uses his hair drier 60% of the day. if you lay on my bed quietly, you can even hear him talking to his birds. he doesnt leave the apartment much and i havent been inspired to get into a noise war…..however, i think i could be persuaded to let your naked ass ruin my thin carpeting.
      again.

      Jul 17, 2008 at 12:55 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #23.5   SarahBelle

      Claw: “Then again, if I inadvertently offended one of my neighbboors with late night noise and they responded in such a manner I would press my naked ass to the floor and fart as hard as I could. ”

      Quoted for awesomeness and hilarity.

      Jul 17, 2008 at 10:52 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #24   MJaz

    I am bothered bit by BB starting this missive with “A Polite and friendly note…”

    My guess is that BB’s probably not so friendly or polite under the surface – maybe honing the butcher knife waiting to hear if the noises stop.

    It’s kind of like when people say “I’ll be honest with you…” you can pretty much be assured that whatever they say is a lie.

    Jul 17, 2008 at 8:37 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #24.1   Moonsilver bang

      Or “Don’t take this the wrong way but…”
      Or “No offense, but…”

      Jul 17, 2008 at 3:35 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #25   agirlie

    uh, waken? Does anyone ever say that?

    Jul 17, 2008 at 8:41 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #25.1   Joe bang

      Whatever dost thou mean? Thou dost not speak in like manner?

      Jul 17, 2008 at 9:09 am   rating: 21  small thumbs up

       
    • #25.2   shane

      Perchance the fair maiden hath not been reared in the ways of the nobles.

      “Thy Master of Stairs wakens me and my brethren at 2 of the clock whilst we are fast asleep.”

      Jul 17, 2008 at 11:03 am   rating: 11  small thumbs up

       
    • #25.3   Canthz_B bang

      Zounds! Thou dost reek of the gutter!

      Jul 17, 2008 at 1:29 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #25.4   Timo

      Thou wretched, rash, intruding fool, farewell Christoph!
      I took thee for thy better.

      Hamlet, scene IV

      Jul 17, 2008 at 2:26 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #25.5   agirlie

      wherefore and why dost thou waken thine neighbor at 2 am with thine divine wheeled throne?

      (translation: Dude are you rolling around for like a half an hour?)

      Jul 17, 2008 at 5:20 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #25.6   Canthz_B bang

      I thought we were gigglebraxing redundancies under #8. ;-)

      Jul 17, 2008 at 5:36 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #25.7   agirlie

      Canthz B psychic? how’d you know I was having false labor?
      :)

      Jul 17, 2008 at 7:22 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #25.8   Canthz_B bang

      Braxton-Hicks contractions (644.1) are nothing to giggle about! :-P

      Jul 17, 2008 at 7:54 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #26   ML

    I gotta be honest, this one doesn’t strike me as too bad. Friendly, even. Then again, maybe I just read this blog too much, haha.

    Jul 17, 2008 at 8:46 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #27   Kev Orng

    If you have to tell me your note is polite and friendly, it probably isn’t.
    That’s the literary equivalent of a smiley face.

    Jul 17, 2008 at 8:51 am   rating: 21  small thumbs up

    • #27.1   reyna ulikba bang

      …or someone starting their sentence with “honestly speaking” and totally lying through their teeth.

      Jul 17, 2008 at 11:11 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #27.2   Kev Orng

      In my experience, people claiming that they are just being honest are usually using it to excuse their utter lack of tact!

      Who was it who said “Those who profess to being brutally honest are usually more interested in the brutality than the honesty”

      Jul 18, 2008 at 8:16 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #28   Cowgirlgraphics

    It was the capilization of the “P” in Polite that warned me that they were not feeling polite, they were getting those “I’m going to kill my neighbor if he wakes me up one more time” feelings. Besides the fact that the 2am noise maker is named Christoph … it just sounds pompous; shorten it to Chris and stop making questionable noises at 2am.

    THX.
    SANDRA

    Jul 17, 2008 at 9:11 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

     
  • #29   claw71 bang

    Christoph would be happy to know that I took a look at his website. I don’t like him. He’s a pretentious little art geek who seems to be his own biggest fan. He gives artists a bad name, with his Masters of Fine Arts Degree and his post-grunge stoner vibe.

    That being said, Christoph is not exactly an intimidating fellow. Unless you happen to be a Smurf taking Christoph down would not present much of a problem. So I have to join Team Strap-On-A_Pair.

    Jul 17, 2008 at 9:36 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

    • #29.1   Goldie

      I saw it too.
      The site says Christoph is 25, but the cute kid in the pictures looks like he’s barely out of high school. Who is he? Could he be… gasp… the Stair Master?

      Jul 17, 2008 at 9:42 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #29.2   Kev Orng

      Don’t underestimate The Smurfs, dude. If Gargamel can’t get the little buggers into a stewpot, then Christoph certainly won’t be able to trap a few to supplement his KD.

      Jul 17, 2008 at 9:51 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #29.3   Kev Orng

      Jeebus, now I have to translate my own post.

      KD is Canadian for Ramen.
      It’s not a literal translation of course, it’s like an allegory for “Cheap food for students and artists”

      Jul 17, 2008 at 10:22 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #29.4   unholyghost2003 bang

      aww Claw! give Christoph a little credit. With a given name like Christoph he was doomed to a life of artsy-fartsy douche-bagery. I give him credit for (apparently) going by Chris. Though perhaps all the pictures on his website of him sleeping are due to his being up all night rolling in his chair. Poor thing can’t keep his eyes open long enough for a decent snapshot.

      Jul 17, 2008 at 10:23 am   rating: 9  small thumbs up

       
    • #29.5   unholyghost2003 bang

      psssh! Richass Canadians with their “Kraft Dinner” that stuff is like $4 a box! vs Raman at 10 for $1

      Jul 17, 2008 at 10:36 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #29.6   Mishee bang

      I wait until it goes on sale at Safeway for 10 for $10 and then I stock up!

      Jul 17, 2008 at 10:53 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #29.7   Zsa

      I dont know where you shop, but I can still get Kraft Dinner for $1.69 a box. Not as cheap as Ramen, granted, but and relatively inexpensive once-a-week powdered cheese-substitute habit.

      Jul 17, 2008 at 10:55 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #29.8   Mishee bang

      Zsa, you have to remember that UGH is a spoiled sorority girl… she only buys the best poor food available…

      Jul 17, 2008 at 11:19 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #29.9   Canthz_B bang

      *gasp* The DeLuxe Dinner with the cheese-like substance in the pouch?!
      UHG, you are rich!

      Jul 17, 2008 at 3:05 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #29.10   Kev Orng

      Isn’t Deluxe KD what you get when you add chopped up hot dogs into it?

      Way back when my parents got caught up in Y2K hysteria, my mom came home one day with a case of KD for their Y2K stash. I still feel bad when I think of her reaction when I pointed out she had bought the microwave KD.

      Now THAT stuff is like $4 a box.

      Jul 18, 2008 at 8:21 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #30   Goldie

    Interesting that, even though the note-writer knows what’s really going on in Christoph’s bedroom, he had to feed us the lame stairmaster version, so we are left guessing what it actually is. I’ve come up with a few possible scenarios.

    1) Already mentioned here, hot thumpy action. It’s not as much your stairmaster use, Christoph, it’s the loud “Yes, baby!” that you need to remove from your exercise routine. Another possibly offensive phrase would be “Wow, Christoph, this is the biggest I’ve ever seen!” Not only does it waken the neighbor at 2am in the morning, it gravely damages his self-esteem. This needs to stop.

    2) What if Christoph has one of those loud, obnoxious snores? I was once downstairs in my house at 2am in the… (you know) and I could swear my cell phone was ringing – but it wasn’t. It turned out to be Mr. Goldie snoring happily upstairs. In that case, putting more carpet over Christoph’s face would likely make things quieter. A pillow will do, too. The neighbor is probably more than willing to assist by now.

    3) Or, what if… let’s just say Christoph eats beans for dinner every night? Then, at 2am (in the morning, natch), something transpires that wakens the poor neighbor? My modesty prevents me from going into more detail.

    4) The letter mentions walking. Maybe what’s really happening is Christoph getting up at the ungodly hour of 2am (all together: in the morning…) to use the bathroom? Well that’s just rude and inconsiderate. Invest in a bedpan, Christoph!

    That’s it. I’m out of ideas. Hope one of the above will help.

    Jul 17, 2008 at 9:36 am   rating: 18  small thumbs up

    • #30.1   Bunnee

      Invest in a bedpan! HA! That might be too loud, too. He should educate himself how to insert a catheter, eliminating the need to walk around at 2am. Plus, BB won’t hear that annoying sound of urine hitting metal (or plastic), resulting in her need to now go pee.

      Jul 17, 2008 at 11:50 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #31   se

    This note is the passive part.
    Aggresive part is:
    If late night noise continues, we find out if the exercises have strengthened your neck muscles enough to prevent me from wringing said neck.

    Just realized that #28 has posted same thoughts earlier.

    Team BB

    Jul 17, 2008 at 9:48 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #32   et

    Was it BB or Christoph who took the stair stepper?

    Jul 17, 2008 at 10:19 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #33   claw71 bang

    Little did the unsuspecting downstairs neighbor know that the sounds weren’t coming from exercise equipment at all. Nor were they being created by the meek gnome of an artist everybody knew as Chris but rather by Kristoff, the sadistic alternate personality who took over when ever the gentle Chris became frustrated with his muse.

    It was Kristoff who would bitterly roll back and forth in precise geometric patterns as he planned the demise of the mild-mannered Chris who wasted so much time on derivative poetry and stock pop-decco art. Kristoff was an evil genius with ambitions to one day rid San Francisco of its rich gay culture and replace it with the brutally efficient asexuality practiced in eastern European countries. If Kristoff had his way, San Francisco would be just like Berlin. Things would be orderly, clean and adhere to a strict schedule.

    As Kristoff drafted his plan, vaguely aware that his motions were etching a perfect rhombus into the hard wood floor of Chris’ bedroom, he was pestered by the effete machinations of Chris’ artistic mind. It was during these moments that Kristoff realized that his plan would never work, not as long as Chris still had majority control over their shared brain. So Kristoff’s movements became more frenzied and more evident to the neighbors below. On some subconscious level Kristoff hoped that the disturbance would force an angry confrontation where Chris would meet his fate at the end of a softball bat, thus allowing Kristoff to assume control of the remaining cerebral cortex. Chris would be relegated to that dark corner of the psyche that could only trigger homoerotic fantasies at inopportune times.

    Jul 17, 2008 at 10:37 am   rating: 28  small thumbs up

    • #33.1   Mrs. Claw

      This is why I married you.

      Jul 17, 2008 at 11:11 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #33.2   Lara

      Funniest thing I’ve read in ages. And so obviously true.

      Jul 17, 2008 at 11:58 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #33.3   Shtarker

      In Berlin brothels we strap on war surplus steelcase desk chairs. Rolling about in evocative poses on the floors of brothel lofts. We hurl Polite sausages at one another in a neo Bauhaus jousting frenzy.

      Jul 17, 2008 at 3:51 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #33.4   Mark bang

      Shtarker, we wear meat helmets.

      Also, my hovercraft is full of eels.

      Jul 17, 2008 at 4:19 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
    • #33.5   Lurker

      Asexuality’s not particularly efficient…

      Jul 17, 2008 at 4:41 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #33.6   Shtarker

      The Shtairmeister’s stand aloof and mock us with machined insolence.

      Jul 17, 2008 at 5:38 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #33.7   Shtarker

      At the age of fourteen, a Zoroastrian named Vilma ritualistically shaved my testicles. There really is nothing like a shorn scrotum, it’s breathtaking, I suggest you try it.

      Jul 17, 2008 at 5:53 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #33.8   Mishee bang

      When I was insolent I was placed in a burlap bag and beaten with reeds – pretty standard really.

      Jul 17, 2008 at 5:59 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #33.9   Shtarker

      My father was a relentlessly self-improving boulangerie owner from Belgium with low grade narcolepsy and a penchant for buggery. My mother was a fifteen year old French prostitute named Chloe with webbed feet.

      Jul 17, 2008 at 6:27 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #33.10   agatha christie

      My father would womanize, he would drink. He would make outrageous claims like he invented the question mark. Sometimes he would accuse chestnuts of being lazy. The sort of general malaise that only the genius possess and the insane lament.

      Jul 17, 2008 at 11:10 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #34   pers bang

    Team Stairmaster!

    The stairmaster knows all and sees all. Hail the all powerful stairmaster – clothesrack, guilt trip and unachieved goals all wrapped into one package!

    Jul 17, 2008 at 10:59 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

     
  • #35   xindi

    all the second sign needs is “Tibet” at the end of it to be instantly cooler and globally relevant.

    Jul 17, 2008 at 12:12 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

    • #35.1   Mishee bang

      I was thinking “Nelson Mandela” – but I think they freed him already…

      (needed some mid-90′s PCU humor right about now…)

      Jul 17, 2008 at 12:32 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #35.2   Canthz_B bang

      “Willy” is free already too, right?

      Jul 17, 2008 at 1:13 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #35.3   Joe bang

      And whatever happened to Winona? I don’t know if she was ever freed because, frankly, I never cared one bit.

      Jul 17, 2008 at 1:40 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #35.4   Mishee bang

      Last I saw Paris she was being carted away in a police car crying her ass off…

      http://www.smh.com.au/ffximage/2007/06/09/hilton10607_wideweb__470x355,0.jpg

      Did they ever free her?

      Jul 17, 2008 at 1:44 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #35.5   se

      I just got an email offering “Paris Hilton free video”. Doesn’t that prove she’s free?

      Jul 17, 2008 at 1:59 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #35.6   Canthz_B bang

      I’d prefer a “Paris Hilton-free video”!

      Jul 17, 2008 at 2:08 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

       
    • #35.7   SarahBelle

      Is that the Paris Hilton Free Porn video?

      Jul 17, 2008 at 11:07 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #36   Kungfu_Kitty bang

    Ah I remember those day of the poorly constructed apartment building. I don’t understand why BB had to mention it was a polite and friendly note? I mean the psycho rage is just barely screaming at you when you read it.

    As for note 2, maybe it was disgruntled wife who believed her husband was actually going to use the machine instead of sitting on his butt. He should have gotten a bike though–way better. Never could get a hang of stairs…

    Jul 17, 2008 at 12:51 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #37   Lurker

    It’s not just polite; it’s Polite. Random capitalization is one of my Pet Peeves.

    “Try new Polite™, when you want the great taste of Polish sausage without all the calories!”

    Jul 17, 2008 at 12:54 pm   rating: 14  small thumbs up

    • #37.1   Amanda

      Michelle is that you?

      Jul 17, 2008 at 7:52 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #38   Canthz_B bang

    I have it on good authority that most alien abductions happen at precisely 2am (in the morning) and that other-worldly craft sound uncannily like Stair Masters.
    Christoph should be checked for evidence of anal probing. This must be done by an expert as in San Francisco it may be difficult to distinguish between alien and human anal probing.

    Jul 17, 2008 at 1:26 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

     
  • #39   Mishee bang

    I sure hope I don’t see Christoph during my jaunt to The City tonight… I might just have to beat him up.

    Jul 17, 2008 at 1:52 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #40   Maddy

    Ooo I thought you were going to be a bit rude for a moment!
    Cheers

    Jul 17, 2008 at 1:54 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #41   agong

    Christoph was formerly named Stacy and that was not a “swivel” chair he was rolling in.

    Jul 17, 2008 at 4:39 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #42   JoeInLA

    One of Cristoph’s poems (note the interesting reference in the third stanza). Sounds like Chris could be a lot of fun at parties:

    Fastened on the floor-cramp platform, (with intercourse forced)
    Girard

    Milling shifting crowds moving crowds
    uncomfortable friends
    some I even knew

    The nerve, pulse there for me
    damn-it, they’re there in me!

    To be tumultuous crinkling in between the middle

    In the middle, I turn and
    submission circles into forced control
    what should I do, what have I come into?

    What if I forget, nay

    But what if I trip
    speak now, petitions
    upon me

    Vacuumed carpet brush
    on my unfamiliar flesh, informal clothes
    but not my usual clothes someone else on me

    Anal-what? Everything else left my head

    Start I stutter, pound
    it stops, end, or not the end? Told me
    I know what’s coming next

    Hail, pride, hard part done
    the hurler offers a saving throw with
    the next few words but the speech was nothing

    From anticipations week-ing preparation
    hours months seconds, more hours slip into afternoon
    daze, numbness sets in before moments of truth

    These disturbing early days with bright sunshine
    brighter than the morning sun should be

    Jul 17, 2008 at 5:50 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #42.1   Canthz_B bang

      Entitled Punk’d? :-P

      Jul 17, 2008 at 5:59 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #42.2   Lurker

      In the room the women come and go
      Talking of Billy Blanks’s Tae-Bo

      Jul 17, 2008 at 11:42 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #43   octavius

    The last time an apartment neighbour woke me up with early morning noise I gave his door an instant cat flap with my foot. Fortunately he didn’t have a cat as the splinters would have been dangerous for it.

    He suggested, from the far side of his kitchen, that I had an anger management problem but it never happened again so it really wasn’t a problem at all.

    Thankfully I now live in a house but I still want to come and get you, Christoph.

    Jul 17, 2008 at 9:57 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #44   From Christoph (yes that one)

    I’ll address a few points made on this board:

    1. MFA – whether or not getting a master’s in fine arts degree is ridiculous, it has been one of the most useful and the best experiences I’ve ever had in school. I recommend anyone with an investment in art/writing/theatre to pursue one. No regrets!

    2. Inconsiderate – yes, one of my flaws is lacking a heart. The note was funny because the way the message was conveyed. I adjusted and no new notes taped to the front door!

    3. Christoph (no e) IS a common name in Eastern Europe. I go by Chris and Christoph and most of my work is published under Christoph. Yes, that is me in the pictures. I have longer hair now. I do like the idea of an unidentifiable sexuality and poetry is the antithesis of pretentious. Nobody sells out because nobody is buying in! Esoteric and at the same time magnificent!!

    4. To the person who posted a poem of mine: I am happy you looked at my portfolio and I am generally boring at parties.

    5. The allegories and the note. Jesus.

    If anyone wants to discuss further, you can email me or contact me on other pretentious websites.

    Reverb!

    Jul 19, 2008 at 2:59 am   rating: 12  small thumbs up

     
  • #45   Claire

    Perhaps it would be easier if Christoph had laughed like a French monkey and told his neighbor that the rolling of the chair was part of his ongoing thesis project research…the Creative Psychology of Sex, Rolling Chairs, and What Is Perceived Is Not Always True…I, too, have an MFA and have used this added higher education knowledge to convince people that whatever irks them most is their inner creative child attempting to leap out and do the same thing…that or the fact that their father pondered the use of hyphens while their mother looked out the window and wondered why the cloudy days had stolen her youth….

    Hmmm…I go now to visit many prententious websites and seek enlightenment…

    Jul 19, 2008 at 2:39 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

     
  • #46   overwhelmed

    I like it, quite to the point. I am also loving that this is from Snohomish, WA where I grew up for 20 years. Very cool.

    Jul 21, 2008 at 10:44 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #47   Sahar

    Yes, Snohomish is on the charts. Two people here know of it! wooot.

    Jul 23, 2008 at 12:29 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #48   ccc

    The guy must be environmental friendly and honest person!

    Reblogged here:

    http://9gag.com/entry/564/

    Jul 28, 2008 at 1:51 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #49   frodo

    This entire picture is photoshopped. It’s pretty obvious.

    Aug 24, 2008 at 6:02 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #50   Fun Crisis ! Popular Games – Funny Videos – Amazing Pics » Blog Archive Please, take me. Take me now. » Fun Crisis ! Popular Games - Funny Videos - Amazing Pics

    [...] related: Free coat rack, gently used [...]

    Dec 2, 2013 at 1:08 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     

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