Christoph found this polite and friendly note on the door of his apartment in San Francisco. a reasonable enough request, to be sure, except for the fact that — despite his neighbor’s claimed omniscience — “I don’t own any exercise equipment.”
(Admits Christoph: “The sound in question was likely a swivel chair…and my habit of rolling back and forth on it at 2 a.m.”)
Meanwhile, Kate spotted this lonely stair-climber in the front yard of a nearby house in Snohomish, Washington. “It made me wonder whose stairmaster it really was,” Kate says, “and who wrote the note.” (A newly self-aware infomercial enthusiast? A bitter spouse?)
Alas, Kate says, “We may never know. The underused piece of exercise equipment was gone by morning.”
related: if you needed an excuse to skip the gym today
extra credit: the hawaii chair [youtube]
150 responses so far ↓
#1
Julianne
I love how it is signed “BB”. As in B(ig) B(rother) can hear everything you do in your bedroom area.
I lived in an apartment with thin walls once. I knew things about my neighbors that made me want to buy a house :>
Jul 17, 2008 at 12:36 am rating: 12
#2
Canthz_B
Exercise equipment gets one to self-awareness much faster than psychotherapy!
Jul 17, 2008 at 12:41 am rating: 6
#3
Crash
I wonder if “exercise equipment” is a polite way of saying… bed
Jul 17, 2008 at 12:44 am rating: 34
#4
Canthz_B
I’ve heard of an “out house”.
How poor do you have to be to only have an “out apartment”?
Jul 17, 2008 at 12:48 am rating: 7
#5
Crash
Note #2
I’m going for spouse sending a serious PAN to the other half…
Hopefully they got the message
Jul 17, 2008 at 12:51 am rating: 2
#6
Canthz_B
If the walls and floors are that thin, why bother with a note?
Just shout:
“I can hear everything you do in the privacy of your home and am making an imaginary list of your belongings.”
or
“When are you going to screw that red-head again? She was a freak!”
Jul 17, 2008 at 12:53 am rating: 63
#7
Troy McClure
EXERCISE iN 20/60
IF you sleep often get Disturb especially like last night between 1–3 am Caused by exercise marathon 6 times / 2 hrs, wonder if room 20 using drug eg: STEROIDS. We dont want any drug user disturb our sleep in the middle of the night / our peace at all times.
Jul 17, 2008 at 12:56 am rating: 9
#8
Canthz_B
You just have to love the redundancy of “2am in the morning”.
Jul 17, 2008 at 1:02 am rating: 25
#9
Crash
Note #2
Man, if you’re that fat and lazy, and advertising it, maybe I should just wonder inside to see what else is for free…
You don’t mind, do ya’ ?
Jul 17, 2008 at 1:07 am rating: 8
#10
Canthz_B
It’s time to admit defeat when you get more exercise putting your stair-master out on the lawn than you ever got by using the darned thing.
Jul 17, 2008 at 1:11 am rating: 18
#11
SarahBelle
Stair Master proves its superiority to the human race…yet again.
Jul 17, 2008 at 1:58 am rating: 15
#12
reece
I must be a perv or something but the first thing I thought of when I watched the Hawaii chair commercial was if it had a built in vibrator >< It looks so… wow; just wow. That chair is completely inappropriate.
As for the “stair master” at 2am, I hope BB finds a partner and competes in “stepping” contests with the neighbors . I can just see the pans now.
Jul 17, 2008 at 3:51 am rating: 2
#13
Maya
I think the note from BB is not passive/aggressive at all and actually is quite polite and to the point. Making that kind of noise in an apartment building at 2 am is rude. Maybe you were not aware of the noise you were making, Christoph, but now you should stop. This reminds me of some torturous neighbors I once had.
Jul 17, 2008 at 4:03 am rating: 9
#14
Burghardt
Why does note #1 make me think of the Police song? “Every word you say, every step you take, I’ll be watching you”
Jul 17, 2008 at 4:46 am rating: 3
#15
Burghardt
Good thing note #2 had a visual aid. Taken alone it sounds like the absolute worst personal ad ever.
Jul 17, 2008 at 4:48 am rating: 21
#16
aaa
#2 reminds me of that commercial for either the exercise equipment or that diet food for people who are too lazy to learn how to eat properly on their own or make their own food, the one where that pig-faced dude says, “I gave all my fat clothes to my fat friends.”
Jul 17, 2008 at 6:04 am rating: 2
#17
aaa
Note #1
Of course Cristoph wouldn’t admit to rolling around with a girl (guy?) at 2 am. Admitting such a thing would make him a PERVERT. :O
If the Big Brother wannabe was really that good at hearing everything he says and does, then you think that they’d know that Cristoph didn’t have any exercise equipment.
Jul 17, 2008 at 6:10 am rating: 0
#18
GhostWriter
Did BB ever stop to consider that his/her apartment is located right next to the building’s common stairwell?
Team Free Christoph!
Jul 17, 2008 at 8:09 am rating: 10
#19
claw71
So Christoph is an idiot then? He admits that he has this penchant for rolling back and forth in his swivel chair in the wee hours of the morning but doesn’t explain why? So I imagine it’s just some sort of OCD thing. Exercising at that time of night is a little odd but an adult giddily rolling about in a swivel chair is creepy.
Jul 17, 2008 at 8:13 am rating: 16
#20
Mishee
Don’t lie Christoph – you know you were rolling your swivel chair cause you were freaking out over the fact that Truman found his way out….
You should be ashamed.
Jul 17, 2008 at 8:16 am rating: 3
#21
GhostWriter
Remember when Captain Kirk was battling Spock in hand-to-hand combat, in Amok Time?
I believe Kirk’s final words, after Spock bested him, were:
“I’m fat and lazy… you still have a chance!!“
Jul 17, 2008 at 8:23 am rating: 4
#22
unholyghost2003
O.K. Given that Christoph is both a writer and a student I will consider the possibility that he actually was just rolling in a swivel chair at 2am. I find it doubtful since “Stairmaster” was actually called out and they make a distinctive and stationary thumping noise quite unlike the sliding scrape of a swivel chair rolling over a floor, but really Chris, if you are out there, you could have just admitted to us that you were dating someone new. Granted, we are here to judge but if you are at all familiar with this site you would know we were/are going to assume the noise was you screwing like a bunny in April anyway. Why not just fess up? I do give you bonus points because despite being an artist it seems that you usually truncate the potentially pretentious name Christoph to Chris. Go you!
Note 2. I don’t know about the Stairmaster belonging to someone other than the note writer. I have been known to give away purchases to people while saying “Yeah, I thought I was a more interesting person. I’m not. Take it!” I know my fat and lazy butt too well to ever purchase exercise equipment but I suppose everyone has that place where the person they want to be/think they are is nothing like the person they ACTUALLY are and foolishly shop for the potential rather than the reality.
Jul 17, 2008 at 8:27 am rating: 3
#23
claw71
You know, if I happened to be the downstairs neighbor I’d probably invest in a cheap white noise machine so I could get some sleep. Then I’d make sure to wake chair boy up as I left for work.
Then again, if I inadvertently offended one of my neighbboors with late night noise and they responded in such a manner I would press my naked ass to the floor and fart as hard as I could.
God, I wish I lived in a poorly constructed apartment.
Jul 17, 2008 at 8:28 am rating: 13
#24
MJaz
I am bothered bit by BB starting this missive with “A Polite and friendly note…”
My guess is that BB’s probably not so friendly or polite under the surface – maybe honing the butcher knife waiting to hear if the noises stop.
It’s kind of like when people say “I’ll be honest with you…” you can pretty much be assured that whatever they say is a lie.
Jul 17, 2008 at 8:37 am rating: 2
#25
agirlie
uh, waken? Does anyone ever say that?
Jul 17, 2008 at 8:41 am rating: 2
#26
ML
I gotta be honest, this one doesn’t strike me as too bad. Friendly, even. Then again, maybe I just read this blog too much, haha.
Jul 17, 2008 at 8:46 am rating: 0
#27
Kev Orng
If you have to tell me your note is polite and friendly, it probably isn’t.
That’s the literary equivalent of a smiley face.
Jul 17, 2008 at 8:51 am rating: 20
#28
Cowgirlgraphics
It was the capilization of the “P” in Polite that warned me that they were not feeling polite, they were getting those “I’m going to kill my neighbor if he wakes me up one more time” feelings. Besides the fact that the 2am noise maker is named Christoph … it just sounds pompous; shorten it to Chris and stop making questionable noises at 2am.
THX.
SANDRA
Jul 17, 2008 at 9:11 am rating: 4
#29
claw71
Christoph would be happy to know that I took a look at his website. I don’t like him. He’s a pretentious little art geek who seems to be his own biggest fan. He gives artists a bad name, with his Masters of Fine Arts Degree and his post-grunge stoner vibe.
That being said, Christoph is not exactly an intimidating fellow. Unless you happen to be a Smurf taking Christoph down would not present much of a problem. So I have to join Team Strap-On-A_Pair.
Jul 17, 2008 at 9:36 am rating: 4
#30
Goldie
Interesting that, even though the note-writer knows what’s really going on in Christoph’s bedroom, he had to feed us the lame stairmaster version, so we are left guessing what it actually is. I’ve come up with a few possible scenarios.
1) Already mentioned here, hot thumpy action. It’s not as much your stairmaster use, Christoph, it’s the loud “Yes, baby!” that you need to remove from your exercise routine. Another possibly offensive phrase would be “Wow, Christoph, this is the biggest I’ve ever seen!” Not only does it waken the neighbor at 2am in the morning, it gravely damages his self-esteem. This needs to stop.
2) What if Christoph has one of those loud, obnoxious snores? I was once downstairs in my house at 2am in the… (you know) and I could swear my cell phone was ringing – but it wasn’t. It turned out to be Mr. Goldie snoring happily upstairs. In that case, putting more carpet over Christoph’s face would likely make things quieter. A pillow will do, too. The neighbor is probably more than willing to assist by now.
3) Or, what if… let’s just say Christoph eats beans for dinner every night? Then, at 2am (in the morning, natch), something transpires that wakens the poor neighbor? My modesty prevents me from going into more detail.
4) The letter mentions walking. Maybe what’s really happening is Christoph getting up at the ungodly hour of 2am (all together: in the morning…) to use the bathroom? Well that’s just rude and inconsiderate. Invest in a bedpan, Christoph!
That’s it. I’m out of ideas. Hope one of the above will help.
Jul 17, 2008 at 9:36 am rating: 18
#31
se
This note is the passive part.
Aggresive part is:
If late night noise continues, we find out if the exercises have strengthened your neck muscles enough to prevent me from wringing said neck.
Just realized that #28 has posted same thoughts earlier.
Team BB
Jul 17, 2008 at 9:48 am rating: 1
#32
et
Was it BB or Christoph who took the stair stepper?
Jul 17, 2008 at 10:19 am rating: 1
#33
claw71
Little did the unsuspecting downstairs neighbor know that the sounds weren’t coming from exercise equipment at all. Nor were they being created by the meek gnome of an artist everybody knew as Chris but rather by Kristoff, the sadistic alternate personality who took over when ever the gentle Chris became frustrated with his muse.
It was Kristoff who would bitterly roll back and forth in precise geometric patterns as he planned the demise of the mild-mannered Chris who wasted so much time on derivative poetry and stock pop-decco art. Kristoff was an evil genius with ambitions to one day rid San Francisco of its rich gay culture and replace it with the brutally efficient asexuality practiced in eastern European countries. If Kristoff had his way, San Francisco would be just like Berlin. Things would be orderly, clean and adhere to a strict schedule.
As Kristoff drafted his plan, vaguely aware that his motions were etching a perfect rhombus into the hard wood floor of Chris’ bedroom, he was pestered by the effete machinations of Chris’ artistic mind. It was during these moments that Kristoff realized that his plan would never work, not as long as Chris still had majority control over their shared brain. So Kristoff’s movements became more frenzied and more evident to the neighbors below. On some subconscious level Kristoff hoped that the disturbance would force an angry confrontation where Chris would meet his fate at the end of a softball bat, thus allowing Kristoff to assume control of the remaining cerebral cortex. Chris would be relegated to that dark corner of the psyche that could only trigger homoerotic fantasies at inopportune times.
Jul 17, 2008 at 10:37 am rating: 28
#34
pers
Team Stairmaster!
The stairmaster knows all and sees all. Hail the all powerful stairmaster – clothesrack, guilt trip and unachieved goals all wrapped into one package!
Jul 17, 2008 at 10:59 am rating: 4
#35
xindi
all the second sign needs is “Tibet” at the end of it to be instantly cooler and globally relevant.
Jul 17, 2008 at 12:12 pm rating: 4
#36
Kungfu_Kitty
Ah I remember those day of the poorly constructed apartment building. I don’t understand why BB had to mention it was a polite and friendly note? I mean the psycho rage is just barely screaming at you when you read it.
As for note 2, maybe it was disgruntled wife who believed her husband was actually going to use the machine instead of sitting on his butt. He should have gotten a bike though–way better. Never could get a hang of stairs…
Jul 17, 2008 at 12:51 pm rating: 1
#37
Lurker
It’s not just polite; it’s Polite. Random capitalization is one of my Pet Peeves.
“Try new Polite™, when you want the great taste of Polish sausage without all the calories!”
Jul 17, 2008 at 12:54 pm rating: 14
#38
Canthz_B
I have it on good authority that most alien abductions happen at precisely 2am (in the morning) and that other-worldly craft sound uncannily like Stair Masters.
Christoph should be checked for evidence of anal probing. This must be done by an expert as in San Francisco it may be difficult to distinguish between alien and human anal probing.
Jul 17, 2008 at 1:26 pm rating: 4
#39
Mishee
I sure hope I don’t see Christoph during my jaunt to The City tonight… I might just have to beat him up.
Jul 17, 2008 at 1:52 pm rating: 1
#40
Maddy
Ooo I thought you were going to be a bit rude for a moment!
Cheers
Jul 17, 2008 at 1:54 pm rating: 0
#41
agong
Christoph was formerly named Stacy and that was not a “swivel” chair he was rolling in.
Jul 17, 2008 at 4:39 pm rating: 1
#42
JoeInLA
One of Cristoph’s poems (note the interesting reference in the third stanza). Sounds like Chris could be a lot of fun at parties:
Fastened on the floor-cramp platform, (with intercourse forced)
Girard
Milling shifting crowds moving crowds
uncomfortable friends
some I even knew
The nerve, pulse there for me
damn-it, they’re there in me!
To be tumultuous crinkling in between the middle
In the middle, I turn and
submission circles into forced control
what should I do, what have I come into?
What if I forget, nay
But what if I trip
speak now, petitions
upon me
Vacuumed carpet brush
on my unfamiliar flesh, informal clothes
but not my usual clothes someone else on me
Anal-what? Everything else left my head
Start I stutter, pound
it stops, end, or not the end? Told me
I know what’s coming next
Hail, pride, hard part done
the hurler offers a saving throw with
the next few words but the speech was nothing
From anticipations week-ing preparation
hours months seconds, more hours slip into afternoon
daze, numbness sets in before moments of truth
These disturbing early days with bright sunshine
brighter than the morning sun should be
Jul 17, 2008 at 5:50 pm rating: 2
#43
octavius
The last time an apartment neighbour woke me up with early morning noise I gave his door an instant cat flap with my foot. Fortunately he didn’t have a cat as the splinters would have been dangerous for it.
He suggested, from the far side of his kitchen, that I had an anger management problem but it never happened again so it really wasn’t a problem at all.
Thankfully I now live in a house but I still want to come and get you, Christoph.
Jul 17, 2008 at 9:57 pm rating: 0
#44
From Christoph (yes that one)
I’ll address a few points made on this board:
1. MFA – whether or not getting a master’s in fine arts degree is ridiculous, it has been one of the most useful and the best experiences I’ve ever had in school. I recommend anyone with an investment in art/writing/theatre to pursue one. No regrets!
2. Inconsiderate – yes, one of my flaws is lacking a heart. The note was funny because the way the message was conveyed. I adjusted and no new notes taped to the front door!
3. Christoph (no e) IS a common name in Eastern Europe. I go by Chris and Christoph and most of my work is published under Christoph. Yes, that is me in the pictures. I have longer hair now. I do like the idea of an unidentifiable sexuality and poetry is the antithesis of pretentious. Nobody sells out because nobody is buying in! Esoteric and at the same time magnificent!!
4. To the person who posted a poem of mine: I am happy you looked at my portfolio and I am generally boring at parties.
5. The allegories and the note. Jesus.
If anyone wants to discuss further, you can email me or contact me on other pretentious websites.
Reverb!
Jul 19, 2008 at 2:59 am rating: 12
#45
Claire
Perhaps it would be easier if Christoph had laughed like a French monkey and told his neighbor that the rolling of the chair was part of his ongoing thesis project research…the Creative Psychology of Sex, Rolling Chairs, and What Is Perceived Is Not Always True…I, too, have an MFA and have used this added higher education knowledge to convince people that whatever irks them most is their inner creative child attempting to leap out and do the same thing…that or the fact that their father pondered the use of hyphens while their mother looked out the window and wondered why the cloudy days had stolen her youth….
Hmmm…I go now to visit many prententious websites and seek enlightenment…
Jul 19, 2008 at 2:39 pm rating: 2
#46
overwhelmed
I like it, quite to the point. I am also loving that this is from Snohomish, WA where I grew up for 20 years. Very cool.
Jul 21, 2008 at 10:44 am rating: 0
#47
Sahar
Yes, Snohomish is on the charts. Two people here know of it! wooot.
Jul 23, 2008 at 12:29 am rating: 0
#48
ccc
The guy must be environmental friendly and honest person!
Reblogged here:
http://9gag.com/entry/564/
Jul 28, 2008 at 1:51 pm rating: 0
#49
frodo
This entire picture is photoshopped. It’s pretty obvious.
Aug 24, 2008 at 6:02 pm rating: 0
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