American Analog Threat

July 20th, 2008 · 187 comments

The manager of a Florida preschool seems to have a kindred spirit at a Missouri strip club, where our anonymous submitter spotted this note taped to a dressing-room mirror.

Day shift dancers: When the Big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 11, it's time to be ready to work! McDonald's day shift starts at 4:30 a.m. You pick!

Personally, I like the idea of an junior-high-elective-style employment program. (Dance? Restaurant management? Government? You decide!)

related: happy to be of service

FILED UNDER: "helpful" advice · McDonalds · Missouri · not-so-veiled threats · now that's management · obnoxious definition · visual aids


187 responses so far ↓

  • #1   gingerE

    Hey… It’s a hand written note. The position of the hands will never change. Should I always be ready for work then?

    Jul 20, 2008 at 8:27 pm   rating: 15  small thumbs up

     
  • #2   Delurker bang

    When the big hand is on 1 and the little hand is on 11, it’s time to be ready to undress on stage. You have to undress next to the fry vat at McDonald’s. You pick.

    Jul 20, 2008 at 8:29 pm   rating: 31  small thumbs up

    • #2.1   Lauraebk

      When his left hand is on your shoulder, and his right hand is on top of your head….you are getting a better tip.

      Jul 23, 2008 at 10:39 am   rating: 10  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #3   Resident Grammarian esq bang

    But I spent all my tips on a new digital watch.

    Jul 20, 2008 at 8:33 pm   rating: 25  small thumbs up

     
  • #4   Canthz_B bang

    What time is it when my little foot is up your big ass?

    Jul 20, 2008 at 8:37 pm   rating: 51  small thumbs up

    • #4.1   snee

      party time?

      Jul 20, 2008 at 9:40 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
    • #4.2   amazon bang

      Peanut butter jelly time?

      Jul 20, 2008 at 10:12 pm   rating: 40  small thumbs up

       
    • #4.3   snee

      time for a lucite-platform-shoe extraction?

      Jul 20, 2008 at 11:20 pm   rating: 9  small thumbs up

       
    • #4.4   fewfallup

      time to tip?

      Jul 20, 2008 at 11:49 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #4.5   SarahBelle

      When the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 11 and the seconds hand is on the 5.

      Jul 21, 2008 at 12:45 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #4.6   Timo

      I think I love Amazon too.
      Peanut butter jelly with a baseball bat!

      Jul 21, 2008 at 9:19 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #4.7   Mishee bang

      Miller Time….

      Jul 21, 2008 at 9:24 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #4.8   Uh Huh

      Time to move it to the VIP room!

      Jul 22, 2008 at 9:45 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #5   fantasy bang

    The choice is yours, You can wear a stupid looking, illfitting McDonalds uniform at 4:30 a.m.!

    Or not have a dress code at all at 11:00 a.m. plus tips!

    I have to say, the idea sounds fucking delicious! ;)

    Jul 20, 2008 at 8:41 pm   rating: 9  small thumbs up

    • #5.1   snee

      mcfucking delicious?

      Jul 21, 2008 at 12:44 am   rating: 18  small thumbs up

       
    • #5.2   Mishee bang

      fantasy, I’d have to say you have a dress code now… just because you are a beloved regular doesn’t make you exempt from the Unitard!! :)

      Jul 21, 2008 at 9:25 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #5.3   fantasy bang

      Mishee, I was saying that NUDITY is fucking delicious…..doesn’t that give me extra credit?

      Jul 21, 2008 at 3:58 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #5.4   secondsout bang

      “Delicious” sounds like the name of one of the employees at this strip club. One of these days, she’s going to wander onto this site, and be horrified as to the rumors, and to the sheer list of all the people she’s rumored to banged.

      Jul 21, 2008 at 4:17 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
    • #5.5   Mishee bang

      She quite possibly could be sout – wasn’t one of Flava Flav’s “women” named Delicious? Wasn’t she the one who shat on the rug?

      Jul 21, 2008 at 5:04 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #5.6   Timo

      Unholy crap Mishee I do believe you are correct!

      Jul 21, 2008 at 5:15 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #5.7   Mishee bang

      I think she did that because she read somewhere that toilets give off this invisible mist when flushed, so she found the hallway carpet to be a much more habitable environment!

      And as an added bonus, it was nowhere near her toothbrush!!

      Jul 21, 2008 at 5:26 pm   rating: 9  small thumbs up

       
    • #5.8   Mark bang

      I think the handwritten clock on this PAN is way too ghetto for Flava Flav to wear. There’s no gold! Flava don’t wear no papah.

      Jul 21, 2008 at 5:31 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #5.9   secondsout bang

      The fact that Flavor Flav has seven children tells me that Darwin didn’t quite have it right, and that natural selection doesn’t always do its job.

      Jul 21, 2008 at 5:34 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #5.10   claw71 bang

      No S’out natural selection tries to do its job but people get in the way. We have laws that mandate child seats and bike helmets for kids. Why not let people make the choice? Smart people buckle up, idiots fly through windshields. What’s wrong with that?

      The problem isn’t when stupid animals breed, it’s when the offspring makes it to sexual maturity. In nature, stupid alligators accidentally eat their babies and Pandas roll over on their cubs. In society Britney drops her ugly kid and some assistant is there to catch him. So in four years Sean P will probably sire a kid, most likely by his mom, and the oblong circle of moronic life will continue.

      Jul 21, 2008 at 5:58 pm   rating: 13  small thumbs up

       
    • #5.11   secondsout bang

      To curb the overpopulation of dogs and cats, we have them spayed or neutered. Couldn’t anyone have neutered Flavor Flav?

      Jul 21, 2008 at 6:45 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #5.12   Canthz_B bang

      There was a time… :-(

      Jul 21, 2008 at 6:55 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #5.13   Burghardt

      Dog the Bounty Hunter has 12 children. (Would we call that a litter?) 12 for the Dog, 0 for General Washington – no wonder our nation is where it is…

      Jul 21, 2008 at 11:24 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #5.14   Canthz_B bang

      Geo. Washington had plenty of children.

      Now Martha on the other hand…

      Jul 22, 2008 at 2:18 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #5.15   Burghardt

      Fine, 0 legitimate children for Gen. Washington.

      Martha came to the marriage with children, lest we forget , the first First Family was a blended one. Go us!

      Jul 22, 2008 at 2:45 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #5.16   sprucemoose

      At the club where I worked we had a “Candy,” a “Sugar,” an “Angel,” and a “Breeze.” Breeze’s real name was Charles.

      Jul 25, 2008 at 1:46 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #6   Quite Contrary bang

    I don’t think we’re giving the strip/dance/performance art club manager much credit for his/her advanced management skills. They utilize clear communication to convey an expectation.

    I really wish the Fortune 500 company I work for would do the same.

    Jul 20, 2008 at 8:53 pm   rating: 22  small thumbs up

     
  • #7   Quite Contrary bang

    However, I already stand corrected. The manager notes that one only needs to be ready to work. It doesn’t mention anything about actually working.

    Jul 20, 2008 at 8:55 pm   rating: 18  small thumbs up

    • #7.1   Wade bang

      I was just about to make that same comment, QC, but I was too late. The big hand was already on the 7.

      Jul 20, 2008 at 9:07 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #8   Canthz_B bang

    McDonalol’s sounds like a fun place to be at any hour.

    Jul 20, 2008 at 9:13 pm   rating: 12  small thumbs up

    • #8.1   shane

      To paraphrase a great movie line: “They are McDonalol’s, we’re McDowell’s. We go the golden arcs, they got the golden :-D s.”

      Jul 20, 2008 at 9:39 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

       
    • #8.2   Canthz_B bang

      “For the right price we’ve got the Golden Showers!”

      Jul 20, 2008 at 10:27 pm   rating: 18  small thumbs up

       
    • #8.3   fink

      Golden Grillz?

      Jul 21, 2008 at 2:59 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #9   Mishee bang

    Hey now, let’s not knock working at a strip club… that’s how my brother met his wife! (she was the dancer, he the creepy customer)

    Jul 20, 2008 at 9:15 pm   rating: 10  small thumbs up

     
  • #10   Canthz_B bang

    I was unaware McDonald’s has strippers. I need to get there much earlier than noon apparently!

    Jul 20, 2008 at 9:18 pm   rating: 33  small thumbs up

    • #10.1   Nate

      There are some REALLY ugly people working at McDonald’s. be careful!

      Jul 20, 2008 at 10:41 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #10.2   Canthz_B bang

      Yeah, but have you tried the McSlut sandwich?

      Jul 20, 2008 at 10:59 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

       
    • #10.3   Mishee bang

      Yeah CB, it tasted like the Filet o’ Fish…

      Jul 20, 2008 at 11:36 pm   rating: 27  small thumbs up

       
    • #10.4   Canthz_B bang

      Filet?

      Mine included a boner too bone or two!

      Jul 20, 2008 at 11:40 pm   rating: 15  small thumbs up

       
    • #10.5   Timo

      I bet they have crab cakes too.

      Jul 21, 2008 at 9:20 am   rating: 13  small thumbs up

       
    • #10.6   GhostWriter bang

      Stay away from the McMuffin with cheese…

      Jul 21, 2008 at 9:55 am   rating: 14  small thumbs up

       
    • #10.7   Kev Orng

      Yeah, but McDonald’s doesn’t have a lick-her licence.

      Jul 21, 2008 at 9:58 am   rating: 15  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #11   Canthz_B bang

    I’ll bet they get bigger tips when they serve fries with that shake!

    Jul 20, 2008 at 9:21 pm   rating: 19  small thumbs up

     
  • #12   snee

    i’m a little sad that the double exclamation points weren’t made to look like a happy face.

    Jul 20, 2008 at 9:39 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

     
  • #13   Beth

    What, no clip art?

    Jul 20, 2008 at 9:59 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

     
  • #14   Troy McClure bang

    It’s great, isn’t it, to find out that our employers assume if we weren’t working for them, we’d be working at McDonald’s. It goes a long way to explaining how they treat us.

    Jul 20, 2008 at 10:04 pm   rating: 43  small thumbs up

    • #14.1   amazon bang

      Troy works at a strip club? Neat!

      Jul 20, 2008 at 10:09 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #14.2   snee

      i thought i saw him up there licking the pole!

      Jul 20, 2008 at 10:15 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #14.3   Troy McClure bang

      :) You know you want me baby!

      No, I meant, strip clubs, US government, and everything in between. (However much that encompasses.)

      Jul 20, 2008 at 11:50 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #14.4   Sirius bang

      I think that’s actually a pretty small arc, Troy! :-)

      Jul 21, 2008 at 1:59 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #14.5   Troy McClure bang

      Probably true, Sirius. Anyone remember Jeff Gannon?

      Jul 21, 2008 at 3:12 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #14.6   Timo

      Jeff “Bulldog” Gannon; Male prostitute?

      Jul 21, 2008 at 9:29 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #14.7   Mishee bang

      I thought Gannon was Friday’s partner…. until he was shipped off to Korea that is…

      Jul 21, 2008 at 11:28 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #14.8   Timo

      Good ol’ Bill Gannon. Nice guy but really into eating weird stuff. He made Colonel in Korea I think.

      Jul 21, 2008 at 11:38 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #14.9   Mishee bang

      I believe he also changed his name, just to escape Joe Friday… that guy is relentless!

      Jul 21, 2008 at 11:59 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #14.10   Timo

      I KNOW! Do not invite him to a party, such a buzzkill. Worst barman ever!

      “Is that… vodka… and wheat grass? “

      Jul 21, 2008 at 12:14 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #14.11   Mishee bang

      He talks alot like Marc Summers does on Unwrapped… I can’t STAND his misplaced pauses and weird accentuations…. it’s just fucking weird!

      Jul 21, 2008 at 12:19 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #14.12   Timo

      He is annoying. Guy Fieri is the one that really annoys the piss outta me. The frosted hair he looks more like Cagney than some guy named Guy.

      Jul 21, 2008 at 12:38 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #14.13   Jahzzie

      Troy, if you’re working at a strip club, there aren’t many choices left. Unless you’re “paying off your student loans”

      Jul 21, 2008 at 2:47 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #15   booge

    It appears the circle for the clock was stenciled using a round object (see the beginning and end of the circle at 10 o’clock). Truly, this was a well-planned PAN. I’ll go as far as to guess this is not a first draft. Bravo. I am very interested to see the judges reaction on this. Didn’t stick the landing though–no “THNX,” no happy or sad faces, no thinly veiled passive-aggressive statement about understanding, but there are two exclamation points.

    Jul 20, 2008 at 10:04 pm   rating: 12  small thumbs up

    • #15.1   amazon bang

      Yeah, but they get points for treating their employees like kindergartners… unless their employees ARE kindergartners! Eww! What kind of sick place is this?

      Jul 20, 2008 at 10:11 pm   rating: 13  small thumbs up

       
    • #15.2   agirlie

      He finally found a use for his compass….at the strip club. sad :(

      Jul 20, 2008 at 10:33 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
    • #15.3   Canthz_B bang

      I want to do a protractor joke now but I can’t find an angle! ;-)

      Jul 20, 2008 at 11:30 pm   rating: 33  small thumbs up

       
    • #15.4   Claire

      Circle was made using a breast implant guide as a circular model under which is the sign: “Your breasts must be this big to work here”. The knobbly thing by the 10 was made by the loop ring the cardboard breast guides are attached. I wonder if there is a sign in a strip club that tells employees: “All employees must wash their hands before returning to work”.

      Jul 21, 2008 at 12:12 am   rating: 12  small thumbs up

       
    • #15.5   amazon bang

      Hmm… I wonder what kind of sexual harassment policy a strip club has…

      Jul 21, 2008 at 2:58 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #15.6   Canthz_B bang

      “But Your Honor, as the manager of ‘Flesh-a-Plenty’, it’s my job to ask all applicants for dancer positions to take their clothes off during job interviews!”

      Jul 21, 2008 at 3:17 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #15.7   AuntyBron

      Actually, Claire, the sign in the strip club bathrooms reads “All empolyees must wash their who-hahs before returning to work” … or is that “…after turning tricks” ?

      Jul 21, 2008 at 9:30 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
    • #15.8   Timo

      “unless you cut that you’re going to have to wear a hairnet”

      Jul 21, 2008 at 9:30 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
    • #15.9   Mishee bang

      Timo, I think RB has something called a Merkin that makes things a lot simpler!

      No Hairnet Req’d!!

      Jul 21, 2008 at 9:32 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #15.10   Timo

      Well that should work fine because they certainly don’t want to get anything in the complimentary buffet.

      * “I will work today and not spend all day admiring the witty repartee of mishee and co.”*

      Jul 21, 2008 at 9:46 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #15.11   Mishee bang

      yeah right Timo!! I tell myself that EVERY SINGLE DAY!

      Plus, I forgot my iPod today! That is disastrous when it comes to me being able to work!

      And to add insult to injury, I am out of pot AND money!

      Today is gonna be a hard one. I think I’ve got a case of the Mondays!! :( TBIM

      Jul 21, 2008 at 10:15 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #15.12   Timo

      Aw that is a case the blue monday’s for sure.

      My only complaint it that I tried to register with wordpress and it won’t recognize me. Bastard coated bastards there. Oh I should be doing some busy work now. It is time for me to be ready to work.

      Jul 21, 2008 at 10:28 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #15.13   amazon bang

      I regret googling “Merkin.” I’m pretty sure I could have lived a full and happy life without knowing what those were. Just like I will never google “2 girls 1 cup.”

      Jul 21, 2008 at 3:08 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #15.14   Mishee bang

      amazon, it looks like you already googled 2g1c cause you know you will never google it! HA!

      Jul 21, 2008 at 3:19 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #15.15   Timo

      LOL Amazon!

      Is that a baby wig?

      Jul 21, 2008 at 3:22 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #15.16   amazon bang

      Mishee, I’ve just vaguely heard about what 2g1c is, and I won’t let my curiosity get the best of me! Just like I regret googling “tubgirl,” bleh! Goatse was kinda funny ;)

      Timo, I guess you could call it a baby wig ;)

      P.S. To anyone reading, do not google any of those terms at work, unless you want to get fired. And don’t say I didn’t warn ya!

      Jul 21, 2008 at 3:31 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #15.17   Mishee bang

      try Brazilian Zoo…

      that was a mistake I made once…

      Jul 21, 2008 at 3:34 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #15.18   CrystalEyes

      Knowing what 2g1c, tubgirl, and goatse were, why oh why did i feel the need to google Brazilian Zoo?

      CURSE MY CURIOSITY!!

      Aug 22, 2008 at 6:08 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #16   zombieBlanco bang

    Please. Baby Julie, start work
    When the big hand is on the twelve
    And the little hand is on the eleven

    And please. Baby Julie, start work
    It is time to be ready — you pick
    Day shift McDonalds or dancing in heaven

    Jul 20, 2008 at 10:57 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

     
  • #17   Canthz_B bang

    Time pressure weighing on my head.
    But that doesn’t mean my clothes
    will not be timely shed.
    Frying’s not for me, those
    time pressures weighing on my head,
    better hurry.
    ‘Cause there’s one thing I know,
    on time my ass I’m showing,
    cash guys are throwing.
    I won’t wait long for happiness,
    my bank account’s growing.

    Jul 20, 2008 at 11:11 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

    • #17.1   Troy McClure bang

      Fantastic! Hal Depraved and Burt Back-and-rack, right?

      Jul 20, 2008 at 11:54 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #18   Claire

    Does McDonald’s even have a pole in the dining area? How can a girl strut her McStuff? GASP!!! Is there more to the McPlayground than originally thought? Oh, my! This adds a whole new perception to the Happy Meal idea!!!!

    And do strippers really learn more if there is a helpful visual aid? Is this the manager’s idea of a company meeting? Guess it saves money on providing doughnuts.

    And how long does it take to get into an outfit you are just going to wriggle out of in a little anyway?

    Jul 21, 2008 at 12:05 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

    • #18.1   AuntyBron

      Hmmm – that would explain why you almost never see kids in the McPlayland – they got carded.

      Jul 21, 2008 at 12:25 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #18.2   SarahBelle

      well, they don’t call it a ball pit for nothing.

      Jul 21, 2008 at 12:50 am   rating: 7  small thumbs up

       
    • #18.3   Sirius bang

      I’ll have a Happy Ending Meal with extra sauce. Hold the nuggets.

      Jul 21, 2008 at 2:03 am   rating: 8  small thumbs up

       
    • #18.4   fnnkybutt

      You know, in Spanish, a Happy Meal is called a Cajita Feliz – ‘Happy Little Box’. Just brought a whole world of new meaning to that one…

      Jul 21, 2008 at 3:31 am   rating: 13  small thumbs up

       
    • #18.5   Timo

      Caution, objects may apppear more edible than they actually are.

      Jul 21, 2008 at 12:32 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #19   Canthz_B bang

    Shouldn’t that read: “…it is time to be ready to work it!“?

    Jul 21, 2008 at 3:06 am   rating: 21  small thumbs up

     
  • #20   ama

    what about when the Big hand is down my g-string?

    Jul 21, 2008 at 7:19 am   rating: 21  small thumbs up

    • #20.1   Timo

      Could I get my watch back?

      Jul 21, 2008 at 9:50 am   rating: 7  small thumbs up

       
    • #20.2   ama

      no.
      do you still have my sense of dignity?

      Jul 21, 2008 at 6:42 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #21   Holiday Djinn

    I think these ladies would probably go for the night shift behind McDonalds rather than the day shift in McDonalds.

    Jul 21, 2008 at 7:22 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

     
  • #22   ama

    I like to think the beginning of the sign says “Tiny Shift Dancers”…

    Hold me closer tiny dancer
    Count the minutes on the wall

    Jul 21, 2008 at 7:30 am   rating: 8  small thumbs up

    • #22.1   Timo

      LOL Elton John reference YAY. Where are my marabou glasses?

      Jul 21, 2008 at 2:58 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #23   RALPHY

    I wonder if both places have a simular employee benefit of “all you can eat”. If so, screw the golden arches. Now what did I do with that application?

    Jul 21, 2008 at 7:41 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

     
  • #24   Paula

    Very good Idea.

    Jul 21, 2008 at 8:08 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #25   claw71 bang

    When the big hand is on your ass and the little hand keeps pinching your left boob it’s time to reevaluate your career choice.

    Jul 21, 2008 at 8:24 am   rating: 19  small thumbs up

    • #25.1   Mishee bang

      I wouldn’t mind if you were doing that, claw… but I do have to ask… why are your hands different sizes? That’s a bit creepy.

      Jul 21, 2008 at 8:41 am   rating: 9  small thumbs up

       
    • #25.2   claw71 bang

      My hands aren’t different sizes. Runbarbara has the small hands.

      Jul 21, 2008 at 9:08 am   rating: 11  small thumbs up

       
    • #25.3   Mishee bang

      Oh, well then that’s okay. I’m all for it! :D

      Jul 21, 2008 at 9:14 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #25.4   Timo

      Small hands …carny folk. Just saying I heard it somewhere.

      Jul 21, 2008 at 9:26 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #26   GhostWriter bang

    I make a motion to deduct points because the note is posted on a mirror in a strip club dressing room, and yet- we have no collateral images to enjoy.

    Is that cleavage at the bottom of the pic?

    Jul 21, 2008 at 9:31 am   rating: 7  small thumbs up

    • #26.1   amazon bang

      No reflectoporn? What a shame!

      Jul 21, 2008 at 3:04 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #26.2   MisterPeligro

      Yeah, I thought the only mirrors in strip clubs were on the ceiling, or under somebody’s nose

      Jul 22, 2008 at 4:09 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #27   Holiday Djinn

    Tomorrow one of the dancers should start her routine on staged dressed as a McDonalds crew member! O.0

    Jul 21, 2008 at 9:35 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

    • #27.1   GhostWriter bang

      That brings up an interesting point- where were the female fantasy characters from McDonald-Land? Ronald, the Mayor, the Hamburglar, Grimace… no gals?

      Jul 21, 2008 at 9:42 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #27.2   anglophile bang

      The character Tender Chicken Strips made a bunch of commercials, but McDonald’s didn’t air them after they found out what her night job was…

      Jul 21, 2008 at 9:58 am   rating: 7  small thumbs up

       
    • #27.3   Mark bang

      GW, there was that bird thing on roller skates with goggles on her head… or maybe I’m hallucinating that?

      Jul 21, 2008 at 10:43 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #27.4   Timo

      Mark-I thought I saw that too but I blamed it on the mushrooms. Weird colors and striped legs?

      Jul 21, 2008 at 11:01 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #27.5   Mishee bang

      I think that would be “Birdie the Early Bird” brought into McDonaldLand in the early 1980′s to represent McDonald’s new breakfast menu…

      Alas, McDonaldLand and all its residents have finally been completely phased out as of 2007 due to growing obesity in children… *removes hat for moment of silence*.

      (source: wikipedia)

      also Mark – she was voiced by Russi Taylor, how about that?! :D

      Jul 21, 2008 at 11:09 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #27.6   Timo

      I knew the Crofts were involved!

      * Must. Resist. Mishee’s siren call. Must. Not. Be distracted by PAN.*

      Jul 21, 2008 at 11:27 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #27.7   Timo

      Not what I pictured, thanks to Google images. I was thinking of another hallucination. Birdie wore pink shorty overalls and was Big Birds tranny cousin.

      Jul 21, 2008 at 11:32 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #27.8   Mishee bang

      me too timo, I think we (all three of us) are having the same hallucination memory.

      weird.

      Jul 21, 2008 at 11:56 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #27.9   anglophile bang

      Birdy had goggles on her head because she didn’t know how to fly.

      I vaguely remember rollerskates, too.

      Jul 21, 2008 at 12:09 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #27.10   anglophile bang

      Of course, all those anthropomorpic tv birds start to blend together after a while….

      Jul 21, 2008 at 12:42 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #27.11   Timo

      It is downright scary. Like bad trip Peter Max scary!

      Jul 21, 2008 at 2:54 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #27.12   amazon bang

      Just one chick, and all the rest were dudes. What a skank! Kinda like smurfette!

      Jul 21, 2008 at 3:12 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #27.13   Kev Orng

      What about the Fry Girls? I think they were introduced to keep the Fry Guys from ending up in a cell, stealing cigarettes for Hamburglar.

      Jul 21, 2008 at 9:15 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #27.14   Mishee bang

      With the introduction of the “Fry Girls” they actually as a whole became the “Fry Kids” but they were short lived as the characters were slowly phased out soon after…

      anyways…uhh.. what was the question? :D

      Jul 21, 2008 at 9:17 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #28   GhostWriter bang

    You know, the note can’t be talking about 11:00 at night- of course the girls are working by then. It’s a snippy note for them to come out looking their best at 11 AM, for the brunch time crew (i.e., nobody).

    This club owner seems like a bastard. I’ll bet the girls work for ‘tips only”.

    Let’s go, girls- I wanna see a show whether or not there’s a paying customer in my club!”

    Jul 21, 2008 at 9:50 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #28.1   Timo

      There are people in there! For one there is the old guy with his VA disability check sitting on his Rascal and then there is the pervy dude that is in every 15th and 30th of the month with the crazy eyes.
      “Come on girls you have got a show to do now wow me. I want to see you dance and I want to see you smile. I can’t use you if you can’t smile, I can’t use you if you can’t show, I can’t use you if you can’t sell. “

      Jul 21, 2008 at 10:05 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #28.2   se

      There are usually plenty of guys in these places at noon and they want to see the show going on as they walk in the door.
      “working for tips ony”… Some of these girls make $500.00 a day or more, and only work two or three days a week. In the more upscale clubs, the girls will make a thousand dollars a night.
      And, yes, most of these managers are real bastards. This one seems less a bastard than most.

      Jul 21, 2008 at 10:46 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #28.3   GhostWriter bang

      OK, in theory, strippers can rake in the dough. But in this case, we’re talking about Missouri, and day shift workers. Calculations show that barely 11% of Missourians are even awake at noon. If there was money to be had, the girls would be out there at 10:59 working for it.

      The manager wants the girls dancing when the guys walk in, so the guys will buy an $8 bottle of Miller before they blow their only lunchtime ten-spot on a 3-minute grind. Tips don’t help his bottom line.

      Jul 21, 2008 at 11:31 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #28.4   Kev Orng

      You know who’s probably sitting in that place at noon? The original “Creepy” Ronald McDonald. He likes to do everything boys and girls like to do!
      If that doesn’t make you want to keep your kids inside, nothing will. Except maybe Jason Alexander as some kind of deranged burger-crazy pied-piper leading a bunch of 80s women to their greasy-food McDoom

      Jul 21, 2008 at 10:59 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #28.5   Burghardt

      Um, question. Why do you people know so much about patrons, managers, and pay scales of strip clubs?? After all the lessons in grammar I thought I was at a “respectable” site. Who knew grammar and sleaze were so closely linked? (“I’m diagraming your sentence in my mind.”)

      Jul 21, 2008 at 11:43 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #28.6   Kev Orng

      Now THAT’s an inductive fallacy. False causality. I can’t find that old logic 101 textbook, but it’s something like that.

      See, It’s not that we know a lot about strip clubs and grammar, it’s that we know a lot about EVERYTHING.

      Jul 22, 2008 at 7:02 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #28.7   Troy McClure bang

      We almost know as much as Al Gore.

      Jul 22, 2008 at 7:19 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #29   GhostWriter bang

    It’s worse than it seems. Rico, the Assistant Day Manager, enjoys calling his prick the “Big Hand of God” He painted a clockface on his stool up in the DJ booth. All the dancers fear the sound of his raspy voice crackling over the PA; “Cassandra, it’s eleven o’clock- please get ready to work the DJ booth…”

    What about the “Little Hand”? That’s his buddy Bupi, a depraved midget, who sits on his lap. I told you it was worse than it seems.

    Jul 21, 2008 at 10:33 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

     
  • #30   Timo

    ” Let’s give a big hand to Cassandra as she gets ready to rock you.”

    *wheezing sound of oxygen going into Billy Pilgrim sitting on his rascal scooter.*

    Jul 21, 2008 at 10:42 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

     
  • #31   Chloe

    Stripping or McDonald’s? These are my choices?

    Jul 21, 2008 at 10:45 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #31.1   Timo

      Or fathering a potential Evil scientist.

      Jul 21, 2008 at 2:52 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #31.2   agirlie

      exactly! what about rocket scientist? What no options for a girl in 2008 or what?

      Jul 21, 2008 at 9:43 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #31.3   Canthz_B bang

      There’s a certain science to being one of the Rockettes. Will that due? :-)

      Jul 21, 2008 at 10:27 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #31.4   agirlie

      lol

      Jul 22, 2008 at 1:18 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #32   Nix

    How ’bout a nice big slice of condescension to go with those fries?

    Jul 21, 2008 at 10:50 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #32.1   Jonesy

      Damn. I so read that as “How ’bout a nice big slice of condensation to go with those fries?”

      Ick. *shakes head* Me and my tainted mind…

      Jul 21, 2008 at 11:23 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #33   stephizzal bang

    i love how even a strip club uses mcdonalds as a threatening example of the worst possible employment you can find yourself in…

    Jul 21, 2008 at 11:00 am   rating: 15  small thumbs up

     
  • #34   claw71 bang

    It had never dawned on the day shift strippers that other employment existed until Fat Mike posted a sarcastic sign regarding the start time of the lunch show…a show that never produced significant tips because men don’t part with their money as readily when they’re sober and due back at work in 35 minutes. Katie Kanyon brought some applications in with a lunch order and they filled them out between acts. You can imagine Fat Mike’s surprise when each and every one of his day shift dancers quit and took jobs at McDonalds.

    Of course it didn’t work out so well for the strippers. Things went well for a while but the sexual tension continued to build. Not from Ronald, who happened to be a pedophile (as is the case with most clowns) nor did Mayor McCheese, a staunch conservative with a penchant for guy-on-guy bathroom sex, violate the code of conduct. No, at first it was the mildly retarded Grimace who made things uncomfortable by constantly harassing the strippers. It started with innocent hugs that lasted just a bit too long and ended with an unapproved addition to the special sauce courtesy of Grimace’s gigantic purple penis.

    He was fired but not before people were put off enough to boycott McDonalds. With no kids coming around Ronald had to enroll in seminary which had a horrible affect on Hamburglar whose criminal behavior quickly escalated from petty burger theft to felonious assault and car jacking. In fact it was a bold robbery attempt at the drive through window that resulted in Hamburglar shooting a police officer in the face and taking Mayor McCheese hostage. Snipers eventually took Hamburglar out but chaos was already under way.

    The strippers refused to accept responsibility for any of it and thwarted an effort to terminate their employment by filing a sexual discrimination lawsuit. McDonaldland was out of control but in the end it was the strippers who paid the price. With the authority figures gone or rendered impotent by legal injunctions the McNugget Bunch and the Happy Meal Gang ran wild and one morning, while reporting to work for that 4:30am start the strippers found themselves cornered by a mob of unruly anthropized food products.

    As she found herself being held down by Fry Guys while a Shamrock Shake violated her repeatedly with his straw. Katie Kanyon wondered if women would ever be respected for their minds and not objectified for their bodies.

    Jul 21, 2008 at 11:14 am   rating: 28  small thumbs up

    • #34.1   Delurker bang

      Very creative. Do you have personal experience with this kind of thing? I think I’ll stop eating at McDonald’s.

      Jul 21, 2008 at 11:32 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #34.2   secondsout bang

      To make things worse, Frylock and Meatwad were mad to not have been invited. Those damn Fry Guys are elitists.

      Jul 21, 2008 at 4:03 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #34.3   Timo

      I think that Carl was sitting in a booth in the corner though.

      Jul 21, 2008 at 5:20 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #34.4   Mishee bang

      Fuck Carl! What about Lenny??? Is Lenny okay???

      (sorry, I just love that joke, even if I did do it on the Nadia thread… haha!)

      Jul 21, 2008 at 5:22 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #35   Clickums

    So the clock tells what time the day shift starts for the pole dancing – but what time does the Champagne Room open up? I’m alllll about BOOM BOOM IN THE CHAMPAGNE ROOM! F%cking Delicious!

    Jul 21, 2008 at 12:25 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #35.1   Mishee bang

      The fact that you masked the U in Fucking gives you 7 hrs in the Unitard… which after this weekend I think is still being called the Uniturd until we can send it out for cleaning….

      Jul 21, 2008 at 12:29 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

       
    • #35.2   amazon bang

      Didn’t someone erect a unitent, since there seem to be so many people in need of it at once?

      Jul 21, 2008 at 3:21 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #35.3   Timo

      I saw a picture of it. A pitched tent with pennants unfurled. There were even huzzahs as I remember.

      Jul 21, 2008 at 3:25 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #35.4   Mishee bang

      amazon, I am pretty sure the Unitent is still in use over at the toilet thread… I think the Unitent is a more serious infraction punishment… like REPEATING THE SAME DAMN THING THAT HAS BEEN SAID 200 TIMES, AND THAT ISN’T TRUE ANYHOW!!

      The Uniturd is still used to fucking delicious and whatnot…

      Jul 21, 2008 at 3:33 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #35.5   Kev Orng

      Ah, Mishee; I think that the “Fucking Delicious” line might actually qualify as both “The same damn thing that has been said 200 times” and as “Isn’t true anyhow”.

      It’s just that it is tempered by the numbing effect of time.

      Jul 21, 2008 at 3:46 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #35.6   Mishee bang

      Kev – don’t make me hand you the Unitard next! For crossing me! :evil:

      Remember, I am Queen Bitch! :D

      Jul 21, 2008 at 5:07 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #36   itmustbeken bang

    I would eat fast food again if the place was staffed by ex-strippers.

    It gives ‘work the deep fryer’ a whole ‘nother meaning.

    Jul 21, 2008 at 12:26 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

     
  • #37   dana

    i, personally, am loving the american analog set reference in the title.

    Jul 21, 2008 at 12:35 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #37.1   Mishee bang

      yeah dana, you and their 4 other fans…

      (credit to zB – I think)

      Jul 21, 2008 at 2:46 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #37.2   Timo

      Austin Texas beloved KrautRockers?

      I am old I had to look them up on Wiki.

      Jul 21, 2008 at 2:49 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #37.3   Mishee bang

      yeah Timo, I googled them….

      Jul 21, 2008 at 2:58 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #37.4   Timo

      Okay well I am glad I thought I might be the only one not to know AmAnSet.
      Mishee I should be eating my lunch instead I am here.

      Jul 21, 2008 at 3:07 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #37.5   Mishee bang

      I should be working, but I am here.

      Jul 21, 2008 at 3:19 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #37.6   Timo

      My lunch is almost over than it will be back on my head.

      Jul 21, 2008 at 3:23 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #38   claw71 bang

    To the tune of the circa 1980 McDonalds jingle

    Big Tits
    Smells like Fish
    Jiggly Bootie
    Fat Guys

    Body Guards
    Expensive drinks
    repressed gays
    and timmed hair pies

    You deserve some ass today, so get up and make your way

    To McDonalds…we really do it all for you.

    Jul 21, 2008 at 1:03 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

    • #38.1   Mark bang

      The McDs in the first floor of my office building actually has a BOUNCER to keep out the riff-raff. No joke. My office building is in kind of a rough neighborhood.

      Jul 21, 2008 at 2:41 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #38.2   secondsout bang

      The day I get bounced from McDonalds is the day I drink a gallon of bleach and end it all.

      Jul 21, 2008 at 4:05 pm   rating: 9  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #39   Timo

    It is fun watching fireworks.

    Jul 21, 2008 at 1:09 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #40   NoPunIntended bang

    And when the big hand is touching the little hand?

    Chris Hansen from To Catch A Predator shows up and you are majorly fucked.

    Jul 21, 2008 at 1:16 pm   rating: 11  small thumbs up

    • #40.1   ama

      Threat Level: Midnight

      Jul 21, 2008 at 7:00 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #41   aaa

    Kids, this is the reason why you go to college. Even an associate’s degree will let you keep your clothes on and avoid deep fryers at 4:30 am.

    Jul 21, 2008 at 3:40 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

     
  • #42   secondsout bang

    McDonald’s wasn’t hiring. Why do you think these girls resorted to working for your sleazy ass at 11am for the early shift at some divy strip club with sticky floors?

    Jul 21, 2008 at 4:10 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #43   Holiday Djinn

    It may be a good career move for these ladies You never know who at McDonalds wants a shake with their fries!

    Jul 21, 2008 at 4:38 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #43.1   Mark bang

      #11 does it better.

      Jul 21, 2008 at 4:43 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #44   pistola

    What a tough decision, get out of work at 1pm smelling like fry fries and apple pies or leave work at 2am smelling like coco butter and shame.

    Jul 21, 2008 at 4:42 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

    • #44.1   Timo

      Mmmmmm shame, the smell of parochial school. At least they get glitter with their Coco butter and shame.

      Jul 21, 2008 at 5:12 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #45   secondsout bang

    I want to know more about the anonymous submitter.

    Was it:
    a) One of the strippers?
    b) Some lucky guy who got a special tour of the dressing room?
    c) A janitor who hates his job, given that he has to be there to clean up the aforementioned sticky floors?
    d) Some sleazy dude who got into the dressing room for a couple minutes before the security guards hauled him out?
    e) The strip club owner himself, bragging about what an asshole he is to the girls who take off their clothes to make him money?
    f) Santa Claus? That dude knows how to get in anywhere!
    g) A headhunter from Hamburger University?
    h) One stripper’s parole officer, checking to make sure she was at work when she was supposed to be?

    Jul 21, 2008 at 4:58 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

    • #45.1   Sirius bang

      i) Mishee, trying to turn this topic to focus on Her? ;)

      Jul 21, 2008 at 5:05 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

       
    • #45.2   Mishee bang

      Believe me Sirius, when I want the topic to focus on Me, you will effin know it!

      Its not my fault I am so awesome that people want to talk about me and my awesomeness..

      Remember: Without the “Me” its Just “Aweso”

      Jul 21, 2008 at 5:09 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #45.3   Sirius bang

      *offers her some weed on the end of a long stick; backs away slowly*

      Jul 21, 2008 at 5:19 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #45.4   claw71 bang

      S’out, considering that everybody gets to watch the strippers undress I have to assume that’s a really skanky club if the lucky guy gets to tour the dressing room. Ooh yeah, put it on. Put it all on.

      Jul 21, 2008 at 5:48 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

       
    • #45.5   Canthz_B bang

      2) Monk on a drinking and clubbing binge.

      Jul 21, 2008 at 5:48 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #45.6   Anonymous Submitter

      Anonymous submitter here.

      To answer your question, I am:
      A) One of the dancers.

      To answer another question, yes, this note was written by one of the members of the management team.

      Jul 21, 2008 at 11:19 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #46   Canthz_B bang

    All-natural titties,
    Special sauce,
    Let us please,
    Tickled minions,
    Open sesame fun!

    Jul 21, 2008 at 6:02 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

     
  • #47   se

    IMHO, the writer of this note is not the manager. As GW pointed out and I agreed, these managers are usually bastards, no way they write note like this.
    This was written by one of the dancers who always arrives on time, then gets stuck taking the first routine and since it is only 11 AM, doesn’t make very much, if any money, while the girl who is late gets to walk on somewhere near peak earning time.

    Jul 21, 2008 at 6:38 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #47.1   Anonymous Submitter

      Our managers aren’t really the bastards… they just like to run a tight ship. We do have monthly unpaid meetings where we clear up any “forgotten” rules or laws, etc.

      As stated by somebody above, the club likes to have a full staff of girls ready for any customer that chooses to walk in because said customer will likely walk out if he only has a two girls from which to choose, versus eight or nine. The longer a customer stays, the more money the bar will make.

      Jul 21, 2008 at 11:25 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #48   Violet

    What I love is the assumption that McDonalds is the obvious alternative.

    *rolley eyes*

    And this is why I don’t club dance anymore.

    Jul 22, 2008 at 9:12 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #49   MJ

    While I find this note extremely amusing, trying to get cokewhores with baby daddy drama to work on time is just a futile task.

    Jul 23, 2008 at 1:02 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #50   Soon and very soon

    Aren’t you pretty inside too Jamesie…

    “When his left hand is on your shoulder, and his right hand is on top of your head….you are getting a better tip.”

    Birds of a feather… pigeons… filthy birds… in desperate need of a good clipping… come to momma “Razorkiss”… hope you’re not bothered by poor puctuation and grammar… we all know how you doctors of theology can be about that sort of thing.

    Jul 24, 2008 at 5:10 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #50.1   Mishee bang

      :?:

      Jul 24, 2008 at 5:24 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     

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