al gore knows you drove when you could have taken your new bicycle

July 21st, 2008 · 233 comments

kendall was waiting for her peach perfection at the jamba juice in elmhurst, illinois when she spotted this note on the napkin-holder. writes kendall: “i guess it’s their passive-aggressive way of saying, ‘take fewer napkins, a**hole!’”

a tip for would-be internet meme-mongers: as of this writing, algoreknowshowmanynapkinsyoutake.com is still available. (what are you waiting for? apparently, these days they’re handing out book deals to any idiot with a blog!)

related: the audacity of theft
extra credit: isyournewbicycle.com

EMAIL THIS POST TO A PAL!

FILED UNDER: "customer service" · guilt trip · illinois · politics · shameless meme-mongering · the earth

233 responses so far ↓

#1 Peter Myers

Live Green. Vote Green. http://www.myersforcalifornia.com

(Unlike other politicians, leaving the first comment is the dirtiest campaign trick I have in my book, so be nice.)

Jul 21, 2008 at 11:58 pm rating: +5

reply to this comment
- #1.1 eenongelukkigegroenetrol
  
  Jul 22, 2008 at 12:30 am rating: +2
- #1.2 Canthz_B
  
  Politicians sure love green…the Long Green.
  
  Jul 22, 2008 at 12:34 am rating: +1
- #1.3 Burghardt
  
  How about, Keep your Green ($). Live free of people judging you for how many napkins you use.
  
  Now you’ve got my vote.
  
  Jul 22, 2008 at 12:37 am rating: +1
- #1.4 Troy McClure
  
  If Gore can tell how many napkins Kendall takes,
  The time is right to stop, slow down, put on the brakes.
  Unlimited resources we do not possess.
  Don’t take that seventh napkin. Make a bit less mess!
  Don’t blithely drive around till all the oil is burnt,
  Till it’s so obvious that even Bush has learnt.
  Instead of SUVs with inlaid ivory,
  Blood-diamond panes and panda-fur upholstery,
  Try cycling. Half the time, it’s faster anyway.
  (Does Gore know who it was who took that horse’s hay?
  But I digress.) My point is, if he knows or not,
  The sea level is rising and it’s getting hot.
  So get some solar panels and, whatever else you do,
  Wait till it really stinks before you flush the loo.
  
  Jul 22, 2008 at 1:06 am rating: +15
- #1.5 globalnole
  
  If its yellow let it mellow.
  It its brown, flush it down.
  
  Jul 22, 2008 at 1:13 am rating: +5
- #1.6 bob wong
  
  If it’s green, change your brand of beer.
  
  Jul 22, 2008 at 1:27 am rating: +11
- #1.7 Troy McClure
  
  If it’s red, you’ll soon be dead.
  
  Jul 22, 2008 at 1:36 am rating: +8
- #1.8 Canthz_B
  
  If it’s blue, that cocaine was pure!
  
  Jul 22, 2008 at 1:54 am rating: +10
- #1.9 amazon
  
  I don’t know if I’m at a point in my life yet where I’d be willing to vote for a candidate younger than myself.
  
  Jul 22, 2008 at 1:54 am rating: +1
- #1.10 Joe
  
  bob wong and CB: You’re doing it wrong. Yellow, mellow; brown, down; red, dead. Rhyming is the way to go.
  
  If it’s orange, …um…crap.
  
  Jul 22, 2008 at 8:29 am rating: +3
- #1.11 shane
  
  @#1 - I think being a politician qualifies as a dirty trick….
  
  Jul 22, 2008 at 11:04 am rating: +2
- #1.12 Grade Ape
  
  Of course now-a-days all you hear about is politicians turning dirty tricks.
  
  Or soliciting filthy, dirty, shameful tricks…
  
  Jul 22, 2008 at 11:41 am rating: 0
- #1.13 Canthz_B
  
  Don’t tell me this guy has a “wide stance” too!
  
  Jul 22, 2008 at 1:28 pm rating: +1
- #1.14 secondsout
  
  I think all the dirty tricks were the customers from yesterday’s posting, who would be affected by the dancers showing up late.
  
  Jul 22, 2008 at 3:30 pm rating: 0
- #1.15 aaa
  
  Leaving the first comment a dirty trick? Uh, no.
  
  Besides, being a politician means waiving your right to have people be nice to you. You should know that.
  
  Jul 22, 2008 at 4:36 pm rating: 0
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#2 zombieBlanco

But does he know if it’s best to leave the toilet lid up or down?

Jul 22, 2008 at 12:00 am rating: +4

reply to this comment
#3 piglet

congrats on the book deal! that is awesome.

Jul 22, 2008 at 12:07 am rating: +1

reply to this comment
#4 Resident Grammarian esq

Well then I’ll take a few extra so he can have a proper sample size.

Jul 22, 2008 at 12:07 am rating: 0

reply to this comment
#5 Burghardt

wow, this puts Al Gore’s creepiness up there with Santa Claus and the transgender locker room janitor. Stop breathing down my neck and let me drink my stinkin’ smoothie.

Jul 22, 2008 at 12:09 am rating: +12

reply to this comment
- #5.1 Martin Heidegger
  
  Why was the janitor creepy… just because they were trans?
  
  Honestly, we’re not all that scary, I promise.
  
  Now, *janitors* on the other hand…
  
  Jul 22, 2008 at 12:14 pm rating: +3
- #5.2 reyna ulikba
  
  Freak omnicient beings remind me of the songs “eternal flame” and police’s “every breath you take.”
  
  Creepy, yeah, but that won’t stop me from taking a few extra napkins.
  
  Jul 23, 2008 at 12:25 am rating: 0
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#6 Canthz_B

Al Gore knows if you’re wearing clean underwear.

Jul 22, 2008 at 12:11 am rating: +8

reply to this comment
- #6.1 zombieBlanco
  
  Al Gore knows if you floss your teeth.
  
  Jul 22, 2008 at 12:14 am rating: +3
- #6.2 Canthz_B
  
  Al Gore knows your period is irregular and you really needed every napkin in the joint. Al Gore forgives you, my child.
  
  Jul 22, 2008 at 12:22 am rating: +38
- #6.3 zombieBlanco
  
  Al Gore knows you’ve been spending too much time calculating my moon phases.
  
  Jul 22, 2008 at 12:27 am rating: +9
- #6.4 fink
  
  He knows if you’ve been naughty or nice.
  
  Jul 22, 2008 at 3:15 am rating: 0
- #6.5 Al
  
  Has anyone ever seen Santa and Al Gore in the same place at the same time? Just a thought…
  
  Jul 22, 2008 at 11:17 am rating: +3
- #6.6 Sadi
  
  Have you seen Al Gore and Sandra in the same room?
  
  Jul 22, 2008 at 11:24 am rating: +2
- #6.7 Mishee
  
  At this point, Al Gore is starting to sound just as effin awesome as Chuck Norris!
  
  Jul 22, 2008 at 11:28 am rating: +7
- #6.8 Timo
  
  inside Al Gore stiff suit is another little Al Gore.
  
  Jul 22, 2008 at 12:27 pm rating: +1
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#7 Miss Unloop

Maybe they are using those napkins to plug up the hole in the ozone layer…

The inconvenient truth is that those restaurant napkins just aren’t that darned absorbent!

Jul 22, 2008 at 12:13 am rating: +17

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#8 Miss Unloop

I used those napkins stuffing my cheeks for my Godfather impression.

Jul 22, 2008 at 12:13 am rating: +3

reply to this comment
- #8.1 Kev Orng
  
  Make me a smoothie I can’t refuse.
  
  Jul 22, 2008 at 11:16 am rating: +12
- #8.2 Miss Unloop
  
  The napkins sleep with the fishes.
  
  Jul 22, 2008 at 10:04 pm rating: +1
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#9 Anonymoose

Al Gore may not have invented the internet, but he did invent global warming.

Jul 22, 2008 at 12:15 am rating: +8

reply to this comment
- #9.1 GuckFore
  
  http://www.tshirthell.com/funny-shirts/al-gore-didnt-invent-the-internet-but-he-did-make-up-global-warming/
  
  Jul 22, 2008 at 1:02 am rating: +5
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#10 Miss Unloop

God, I hope Al Gore doesn’t keep track of how much toilet paper we use too…

Jul 22, 2008 at 12:19 am rating: +4

reply to this comment
- #10.1 Sadi
  
  See Casey in Human Resources.
  
  Jul 22, 2008 at 2:25 pm rating: +1
- #10.2 Blue Canary
  
  No, that’s Sheryl Crow’s mandate.
  
  Jul 22, 2008 at 5:06 pm rating: 0
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#11 Kev Orng

Maybe, but Dick Cheney is monitoring your email

Jul 22, 2008 at 12:21 am rating: +4

reply to this comment
- #11.1 Canthz_B
  
  Death wears that big hood because Dick Cheney shot him in the face for taking his pet vulture.
  
  Jul 22, 2008 at 12:27 am rating: +11
- #11.2 AuntyBron
  
  He also has a gun and ain’t afraid to use it.
  
  Jul 22, 2008 at 1:24 am rating: 0
- #11.3 shane
  
  I’d rather go hunting with Dick Cheney than ride in a car with Ted Kennedy
  
  Jul 22, 2008 at 11:02 am rating: +5
- #11.4 Canthz_B
  
  I’d rather work at McDonald’s than do either!
  Besides Teddy doesn’t drive anymore, but Cheney is still armed and dangerous.
  
  Jul 22, 2008 at 11:08 am rating: +3
- #11.5 Kev Orng
  
  I think we can all agree that all politicians (and for that matter, all people) are in some way undesirable and/or antisocial and have certain secrets in their past and shoot people in the face, and then we can all move on and get along.
  
  No… wait… my mistake. Only Cheney shoots people in the face. Cheney and maybe Darth Sidious.
  
  Jul 22, 2008 at 11:20 am rating: +4
- #11.6 Canthz_B
  
  No wait…Cheney shot the guy in the face and a few days later the guy he shot apologized to Cheney for causing him trouble!
  Now if that’s not the dark side in action, I don’t know what is!
  
  Jul 22, 2008 at 11:38 am rating: +10
- #11.7 Heisa the Horrible
  
  Yup and only Teddy drowned his mistress then walked away without getting help.
  
  ….but that’s really not the point of this story.
  
  Jul 22, 2008 at 11:45 am rating: +3
- #11.8 Kev Orng
  
  Teddy’s mistress was actually an alien trying to infiltrate the US government, and when he realized it, he did what he had to do.
  
  Dubya had a similar encounter, except he married her.
  
  Jul 22, 2008 at 11:53 am rating: +4
- #11.9 Canthz_B
  
  LOL, you say that like it was a premeditated murder, not a car accident and cover-up.
  Teddy was a kid, he got scared and left the scene of an accident. I cannot comment further because I’ve never tried to rescue someone in a sunken car in the dark. Have you?
  
  Cheney is the man whose judgement we are supposed to rely on if something should happen to the President.
  
  ….but that’s really not the point of this story.
  
  Jul 22, 2008 at 12:04 pm rating: +3
- #11.10 Heisa the Horrible
  
  good thing, too. She’s much hotter than Tipper.
  
  perhaps future popular votes should be centered around the first lady’s looks. the ballot options should read:
  
  CHECK ONLY ONE:
  ( ) I’d hit it
  ( ) I’d hit it with a baseball bat
  
  …and covering up is as bad as if it had been premeditated. End result was the same.
  
  Jul 22, 2008 at 12:08 pm rating: +4
- #11.11 Kev Orng
  
  Heisa, that makes almost as much sense as your Electoral College system, so why the heck not?
  
  Hey, If Darth Cheney and Darth Benedict were to get in a lightsabre fight, who would win?
  
  Jul 22, 2008 at 12:12 pm rating: +3
- #11.12 Heisa the Horrible
  
  No one. Darth Gore would declare it ‘inconvenient’ for such energy waste as a lightsabre fight.
  
  @Canthz - 37 is hardly the age to still consider Teddy a kid.
  
  Jul 22, 2008 at 12:16 pm rating: +4
- #11.13 Canthz_B
  
  Our system is not based solely on end result, Heisa.
  The most Teddy would have gotten, assuming wrong-doing, is negligent manslaughter or something. Premeditated murder is Murder in the First Degree.
  So you see, my friend, death does not a murder make.
  
  To a politician 37 is very young. They have been known to have “Youthful Indiscretions in their 50’s.
  
  Sorry everyone…I’m off-topic.
  
  Jul 22, 2008 at 12:29 pm rating: +3
- #11.14 Kev Orng
  
  CB, I’m sure you could have worked napkins in there one way or another.
  
  Jul 22, 2008 at 12:34 pm rating: 0
- #11.15 Heisa the Horrible
  
  Conceded: my intention was not to declare premeditation the same as covering up, only that death was the result of bad judgment and unwillingness to do the right thing.
  
  TK had a horrible driving record prior. After he drove into the water and got out, he passed FOUR houses with lights on and not once did he stop and ask for help - the girl had no chance to survive.
  
  All I’m saying is at least Cheney got him some help and the guy survived.
  
  Sorry everyone for the off topic as well.
  
  *waves 1.5 white napkins for a treaty
  
  Jul 22, 2008 at 12:46 pm rating: +3
- #11.16 Kev Orng
  
  I was going to see the Dark Knight but they made Heath Ledger’s mouth look like Laura Bush’s, and that’s just freakin’ me out!
  
  edit: aggh, you changed the part of your comment I was referring to!
  
  Nothing personal, I just like making fun of the freaky blow-up doll.
  
  Jul 22, 2008 at 12:50 pm rating: +4
- #11.17 Heisa the Horrible
  
  yea, tried to work the napkins back in. My bad.
  
  When you do watch it, look for Al Gore’s cameo as a burn victim.
  
  Jul 22, 2008 at 12:59 pm rating: +2
- #11.18 Canthz_B
  
  Maybe, but it’s ridiculous to make the assumption that she would have survived if Teddy had stopped at the first house, if the residents could be awakened, if someone were able to get to her in a timely fashion, if someone knew how to treat a drowning victim.
  Mary Jo is dead and lots of people have drowned in their cars since then with no one prosecuted because they saved their own skin and did not jump back into the water to win hero status.
  
  Not saying he did anything right…just saying give the guy a break, you weren’t there. Many people have panicked under far less stressful conditions.
  
  If I had a napkin for every time I’ve said that, Al Gore would have my hide!
  
  Jul 22, 2008 at 1:16 pm rating: 0
- #11.19 Heisa the Horrible
  
  White flag (napkin) already raised, point already conceded, subject already changed, horse already dead.
  
  Jul 22, 2008 at 1:43 pm rating: +2
- #11.20 Kev Orng
  
  Heisa, are you related to Dr Horrible? Cause that would be awesome.
  
  Jul 22, 2008 at 2:08 pm rating: 0
- #11.21 Heisa the Horrible
  
  yes. Who do you think taught him to sing?
  
  Jul 22, 2008 at 2:15 pm rating: +3
- #11.22 Kev Orng
  
  “With my freeze ray, I will stop… the pain…”
  
  That was beautiful. I’m all verklempt again.
  
  Jul 22, 2008 at 2:29 pm rating: +1
- #11.23 secondsout
  
  I figured Heisa was part of Hagar’s family. If so, can you tell Hagar to start producing funny comic strips? “Hagar the Horrible” lives up to its name, if it’s referring to the quality of the strip.
  
  Jul 22, 2008 at 3:37 pm rating: 0
- #11.24 Kev Orng
  
  But he has a pet duck! DUCKS ARE FUNNY, DAMMIT!!
  
  But Freeze rays are funnier still, so forget Hagar.
  Dr. Horrible is better
  
  Jul 22, 2008 at 3:40 pm rating: +1
- #11.25 Mishee
  
  Yes, Howard was a funny duck!
  
  If I had a pet duck, I would name him Howard.
  
  Jul 22, 2008 at 3:41 pm rating: +3
- #11.26 Kev Orng
  
  Yeah, I think any word with both a D and a K in it is inherently funny.
  Or a hard C for that matter. Hence, Cod.
  
  Jul 22, 2008 at 4:16 pm rating: +2
- #11.27 Grade Ape
  
  So what if your beloved Teddy Kennedy had gone up to the nearest house with lights on? You know what would have happened? He would have been shot in the face and we’d be right back around to square 1.
  
  Jul 22, 2008 at 5:05 pm rating: +3
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#12 Canthz_B

So I took a few extra napkins.
There are plenty more in Al Gore’s lock-box. Right next to the dirty pictures of Tipper!

Jul 22, 2008 at 12:39 am rating: +2

reply to this comment
- #12.1 Holiday Djinn
  
  God that is a horrible image!
  
  Jul 22, 2008 at 7:20 am rating: 0
- #12.2 Timo
  
  I can’t help but think of her at the PMRC hearings. The only dirty picture I can imagine that would be in there would be of her in full Kiss regalia with a giant strap-on riding a gas guzzling machine. Oh poor Al’s shameful secret.
  
  Jul 22, 2008 at 9:19 am rating: +3
- #12.3 Canthz_B

painfully polite and hilariously hostile writings from shared spaces the world over

al gore knows you drove when you could have taken your new bicycle

July 21st, 2008 · 233 comments

233 responses so far ↓