scatological poetry slam

July 22nd, 2008 · 220 comments

given the highly intellectual discussions this site’s commenters have become known for, it seems safe to assume that the question “how are we to judge poetry?” is one that you, dear reader, have no doubt pondered on many an occasion, along with other more academic concerns such as the proper resting state of the toilet lid.

well, as the late philip larkin once said, “i think a poet should be judged by what he does with his subjects, not by what his subjects are.” with that in mind, which of these poets would you judge “less likely to make you totally vom”?

is it this one, from a university campus in toronto?

scatological poetry slam

…or is it this one, spotted by kacey at the ymca in the university town of champaign, illinois?

stool rules

related: a limerick
extra credit: the poet of dirty words: reconsidering philip larkin [slate.com]

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FILED UNDER: canada · illinois · odor · office · toilet · toronto

220 responses so far ↓

  • #1  aaa

    All we need to know is that poetry blows.

    Oh, and this:

    http://www.threadless.com/product/548/Shakespeare_Hates_Your_Emo_Poems

    Jul 22, 2008 at 4:21 pm   rating: +1  

     
  • #2  Kev Orng

    That first one was written with a grant from Heritage Canada.

    Jul 22, 2008 at 4:24 pm   rating: +20  

     
  • #3  Mark

    One of my favorite bathroom graffitis from college:

    “Flush twice, it’s a long way to CK”

    (CK = Central Kitchen, the root of all evil, where most of the crappy food is made)

    Jul 22, 2008 at 4:24 pm   rating: +4  

     
  • #4  Mark

    Why is the first note cut out to look like a puddle of jizz?

    Jul 22, 2008 at 4:25 pm   rating: +7  

    • #4.1  Kev Orng

      That’s béchemel sauce

      Jul 22, 2008 at 4:26 pm   rating: +9  

       
    • #4.2  aaa

      The whiteness of the semen contrasts nicely with the earthy browns and fresh yellows of feces and urine. Obviously this note-writer has studied interior design.

      Jul 22, 2008 at 4:33 pm   rating: +2  

       
    • #4.3  memyself

      I thought it was a maxi-pad.

      Jul 23, 2008 at 2:57 pm   rating: +3  

       
     
  • #5  Sirius

    Both of these poems make me want to strangle the poet (and no, that’s not a euphemism for what I usually do in the stall).

    Jul 22, 2008 at 4:26 pm   rating: +21  

     
  • #6  crunchy granola

    forget about the horrible poetry… i think al gore would be disappointed if you flush three times every time you drop a deuce

    Jul 22, 2008 at 4:27 pm   rating: +51  

    • #6.1  aaa

      Even flushing every time gets you put on Gore’s naughty list. Every other time is the way to go. Otherwise you’ll get a lump of organic alpaca fertilizer in your stocking. No coal though, fossil fuels are Satan’s feces.

      Jul 22, 2008 at 4:46 pm   rating: +20  

       
    • #6.2  Grade Ape

      Bwa Ha Ha… “drop a deuce”… I have now added you into my everyday working vocabulary! Thanks Granola!

      Jul 22, 2008 at 4:48 pm   rating: 0  

       
    • #6.3  Mishee

      gore is busy manning the napkin dispenser.

      Jul 22, 2008 at 4:54 pm   rating: +3  

       
    • #6.4  aaa

      He has his ways. He knows when you’re sleeping and he knows when you’re awake. Mostly due to incredibly small cameras he’s planted just about everywhere that upload directly to his cell phone.

      Jul 22, 2008 at 5:36 pm   rating: +3  

       
    • #6.5  kalieris

      Plus that whole “spray your vulva with eau de poop every time you flush while sitting down.” I honestly don’t care if I upset every single coworker in the building if it means I don’t have to endure cold bacterialicious water sprayed on my cooter.

      Jul 22, 2008 at 5:40 pm   rating: +54  

       
    • #6.6  The Commish

      I agree with Kalieris. With the time it took to think of these witty poems, print them out and meticulously cut the paper into that rad jizz-shaped pattern, how do the poets have time to spend obviously large quantities of time in the restroom? Get back to work, slackers!

      Jul 22, 2008 at 7:21 pm   rating: +1  

       
    • #6.7  Jahzzie

      If manufacturers would only stop making “water saver” toilets we wouldn’t need to flush twice!!

      Jul 22, 2008 at 11:37 pm   rating: +9  

       
    • #6.8  Rosie

      “Back in the day” during a drought in Los Angeles they had fineable offenses such as washing your car at home, cleaning the leaves off your driveway with the hose, watering your lawn and so on. I never knew who was driving around looking for these horrible offenses, or even what the fines were. Maybe you were supposed to spy on your neighbors and report them for their dastardly deeds. I don’t know, we just lived with brown lawns, dirty cars and the annoyance of sweeping the driveway. However, my favorite remedy for addressing the water sortage was, “If it’s brown flush it down, if it’s yellow let it mellow.”

      When everyone complied and used much less water, the water company wanted to raise consumer prices because we “weren’t using enough water” and they “weren’t making enough profits.” Only in L.A. …….

      Jul 23, 2008 at 12:50 pm   rating: +3  

       
    • #6.9  RP

      Not only in L.A. anymore. With the drought in the Southeast last year we had the same fines and tips (though they said they raised prices to encourage less water usage not because they needed more money).

      They must not be having any drought issues in Toronto.

      Jul 23, 2008 at 1:34 pm   rating: +1  

       
    • #6.10  Army of Douche-ness aka the Doucheface Killa

      Is it just because I’m a single guy who works with only 3 other dudes that I think beyond a simple “Flush after you shit” request, we’re delving into somewhat neurotic waters?

      Are these rules that are considered normal in female dominated restrooms? As you can imagine, I don’t hang out in them very much.

      oh and Kalieris, yeah can’t that get you really sick?

      Jul 23, 2008 at 1:40 pm   rating: +3  

       
    • #6.11  Cowgirlgraphics

      Our water saver toilets spray such a mighty force of water you have to jump back to not be hit whilst flushing …. and there is no toilet seat cover in the low-cost water savers for commercial buildings. YUCK!

      Jul 23, 2008 at 4:16 pm   rating: +1  

       
    • #6.12  prairielily

      Toronto is on Lake Ontario’s shore. Getting their cooters sprayed with eau de poop is a refreshingly clean change for them.

      I don’t know why they bothered with the sign, though. Was it so breathing the air in the bathroom is a refreshingly clean change from breathing the smell of eau de poop wafting into the downtown core from the lake in the summer?

      Jul 24, 2008 at 2:30 am   rating: +1  

       
    • #6.13  MisanthropicGirl

      Doucheface Killa! Yes, you can get pretty sick from bacteria-riddled poo-spray. Some ladies are quite succeptable to urinary tract infections. I should know–I’m one of them. Not only are they painful, but they can spread to your kidneys and cause all sorts of severe unpleasantries. The leading cause of a urinary tract infection is–you guessed it–poo!

      Jul 25, 2008 at 10:02 am   rating: 0  

       
    • #6.14  optimismopski

      Wait– are you gals flushing whilst still sitting on the commode? Why is “poo-spray” an issue for your genitals (infection-wise) if you aren’t hanging out over the toilet while you flush? I think I might be missing something here…

      Jul 26, 2008 at 12:27 pm   rating: 0  

       
    • #6.15  Army of Douche-ness aka the Doucheface Killa

      @ optimismopski-

      I believe the mid sit flushing may be occurring per these poems about flushing 2-3 times per session and out of convenience in this situation ..

      Qute honestly, the whole thing has me confused as to why more than 1 flush is needed and if you were to flush twice, when would be the appropriate time to do so…

      again, I think this whole subject seems a bit neurotic to me…or maybe i’m just an ignorant dude who works with 3 other ignorant dudes and doesn’t deal with this topic often…

      Jul 28, 2008 at 10:17 am   rating: 0  

       
     
  • #7  Mishee

    As long as there isn’t any snarky poems about not doing drugs, I am fine with these bathroom rules…

    Jul 22, 2008 at 4:27 pm   rating: +11  

    • #7.1  Grade Ape

      If you’re going to smoke weed
      please flush ALL of the seeds
      instead of leaving them sprinkled on the floor.

      If you must snort coke
      don’t act like a dope,
      have the courtesy to close the stall door.

      Jul 22, 2008 at 4:56 pm   rating: +24  

       
    • #7.2  aaa

      Crack is whack. Crack is for poor people.

      Jul 22, 2008 at 5:37 pm   rating: +5  

       
     
  • #8  shane

    Nauseating. Right up there with “If you sprinkle when you tinkle, be a sweetie and wipe the seatie”.

    Jul 22, 2008 at 4:33 pm   rating: +4  

    • #8.1  Lurker

      At least that one has a consistent meter. You can even dance to it.

      Jul 23, 2008 at 11:54 am   rating: +2  

       
    • #8.2  shane

      yea, but if you shake it more than three times, you’re playing with it

      Jul 23, 2008 at 4:25 pm   rating: +1  

       
    • #8.3  izzyboy

      Isn’t that what it’s there for?

      Jul 24, 2008 at 12:41 am   rating: 0  

       
    • #8.4  Kate

      We aim to please, so you aim too please.

      Jul 24, 2008 at 7:31 pm   rating: +1  

       
     
  • #9  jfruh

    Apparently “here” and “air” rhyme in Canada? It really is a different country up there!

    Jul 22, 2008 at 4:37 pm   rating: +7  

    • #9.1  se

      Maybe they meant to write..
      As the smell lingers in your hair
      In this room with no air.

      Jul 22, 2008 at 6:57 pm   rating: +3  

       
    • #9.2  Canthz_B

      “You know what I’m talking about,
      Flush the bowl before you scoot.” ;-)

      Jul 24, 2008 at 12:51 am   rating: +5  

       
     
  • #10  SomeGuyWhoNeverComments

    That shit really stinks.

    Jul 22, 2008 at 4:46 pm   rating: +9  

     
  • #11  Canthz_B

    Shit, flush, flush, wipe, flush?
    This project is becoming too complicated and I’m losing interest in it.

    Jul 22, 2008 at 4:48 pm   rating: +51  

    • #11.1  Steph

      Or is it shit, flush, shit, flush, wipe, flush? I’m so lost. Maybe they should have written numbered instructions instead of this poetry shit (or shit poetry, actually).

      Jul 22, 2008 at 5:20 pm   rating: +22  

       
    • #11.2  WhyAren'tUDeadYet

      Seriously, is anyone else not surprised that the resident dork magnet posting at #11 finds such rudimentary bathroom activities as flushing and wiping his ass too complicated?

      Didn’t think so. Carry on.

      Jul 22, 2008 at 11:56 pm   rating: +2  

       
    • #11.3  snee

      hey, i’ve gotta game! let’s play “spot the loser!”

      THERE’S ONE NOW!

      (1 point for snee.)

      Jul 23, 2008 at 12:18 am   rating: +16  

       
    • #11.4  tinkerbell2

      the reason you didn’t spot him sooner is he’s been in the bathroom for the last three hours, shitting and flushing, wiping and flushing, flushing and flushing, laughing to himself about what ‘dork magnets’ we all are with our ‘one visit, one flush’ mentality.

      Seriously, ‘dork magnet’?

      Jul 23, 2008 at 7:58 am   rating: +9  

       
    • #11.5  amy d

      CB has a magnetic personality and I find myself strangely attracted to him. The more I know him, the more I feel stuck on him.

      Jul 23, 2008 at 10:07 am   rating: +2  

       
    • #11.6  Mishee

      amy, you are such a dork

      Jul 23, 2008 at 10:14 am   rating: +1  

       
    • #11.7  amy d

      Takes one to know one :P

      Jul 23, 2008 at 10:15 am   rating: +1  

       
    • #11.8  Canthz_B

      Let me get all of this straight:

      1) I’m a “dork magnet”. Cool.

      2) WAUDY follows me around the site, as if drawn to me, posting on my comments.

      3) Wouldn’t that add up to WAUDY being a “dork”?

      I’m just asking… ;-)

      Jul 23, 2008 at 2:49 pm   rating: +5  

       
    • #11.9  Kev Orng

      Like I said yesterday, any word with a D and a K sound in it is inherently funny.

      Except maybe “deck”

      Jul 23, 2008 at 3:03 pm   rating: +1  

       
    • #11.10  ama

      watch out for Dick Cheney. he’ll shoot funny in the face.

      Jul 23, 2008 at 3:12 pm   rating: +3  

       
    • #11.11  Kev Orng

      hee hee “Dick”

      Jul 23, 2008 at 3:24 pm   rating: +3  

       
    • #11.12  MisanthropicGirl

      I like a big deck.

      Jul 25, 2008 at 10:10 am   rating: 0  

       
     
  • #12  bean

    Is the second author going to pick up my poo and bring it back to me if I don’t flush three times?

    Jul 22, 2008 at 4:52 pm   rating: +4  

    • #12.1  Mark

      Only if you don’t close the lid.

      Jul 22, 2008 at 5:10 pm   rating: +9  

       
    • #12.2  Kate

      I guess that toilet can’t handle “big jobs”.

      Thx, Sandra

      Jul 24, 2008 at 7:35 pm   rating: +2  

       
     
  • #13  jimmyjimmyjimmyjimmy

    “or all you’ve done comes back to you” Christ, I only wanted to do a shit and now and now I’m being lectured about everything wrong I’ve done in my life

    Jul 22, 2008 at 4:53 pm   rating: +8  

     
  • #14  Canthz_B

    Our “poet #1″ has posted the resume she submitted to Proctor and Gamble for a job as a Professional Sniffer in the deodorant division.

    Jul 22, 2008 at 4:56 pm   rating: +2  

    • #14.1  Lurker

      If you have made dinner plans,
      Inhibit the effluvium of your glands.
      If you expect a second date
      You don’t want to smell “not so great.”
      I’d rather sniff an unflushed shit,
      Than the contents of your armpits.

      Copyright 2008
      THX SANDRA

      Jul 23, 2008 at 11:57 am   rating: +2  

       
     
  • #15  shane

    I hear they also have an opening as Feminine Hygiene Bin Monitor. Casey, can you confirm?

    Jul 22, 2008 at 4:58 pm   rating: +20  

     
  • #16  amazon

    I vote for #2 (tee hee). Afterall, brevity is the soul of wit.

    p.s. What’s up with the Brit’s getting a different title and cover for their version of the PAN book??

    Jul 22, 2008 at 4:59 pm   rating: +3  

    • #16.1  bean

      I noticed that too.

      Apparently, in the UK, talking about breast milk is more taboo than murder. *shrug*

      Jul 22, 2008 at 5:03 pm   rating: +2  

       
    • #16.2  WhyAren'tUDeadYet

      At least, in the UK, they can likely spell “Brits” properly. (Without the apostrophe, for all of you who still cannot figure it out.)

      Jul 22, 2008 at 11:57 pm   rating: 0  

       
    • #16.3  Troy McClure

      In fact the apostrophe should follow the ’s’. Everyone here it pretty understanding, though, WAUDY, & we’re sure you would have figured that out, had your thoughts not been clouded with rage, so try not to feel too humiliated.

      Jul 23, 2008 at 12:23 am   rating: +7  

       
    • #16.4  snee

      HEY, THERE’S ANOTHER ONE–16.2! oh wait, same one. i’m takin’ a point anyway!

      go snee!

      Jul 23, 2008 at 12:32 am   rating: +19  

       
    • #16.5  amazon

      If my accidental unnecessary apostrophe is the worst grammatical error you have ever come across on the internet, I envy you.

      p.s. http://xkcd.com/386/

      Jul 23, 2008 at 5:29 pm   rating: +4  

       
     
  • #17  The Modern Gal

    They could have at least obeyed the rules of rhythm and meter.

    Jul 22, 2008 at 5:01 pm   rating: +3  

     
  • #18  tk.

    The “rhyming” in the first one hurts to read. “Ail ye” and “daily”? Totally vom.

    Jul 22, 2008 at 5:07 pm   rating: +2  

     
  • #19  Ryan

    Do you know what “ails” me? Shitty Poetry.

    Jul 22, 2008 at 5:08 pm   rating: +7  

    • #19.1  WhyAren'tUDeadYet

      You must really hate Canthz_B, then.

      Jul 22, 2008 at 11:58 pm   rating: 0  

       
    • #19.2  snee

      AND IT’S A HAT-TRICK FOR SNEE!

      (the crowd goes wild. snee gets her third “spot the loser!” point with the Same Poster. it’s historic! it’s amazing! it’s, it’s…okay, it’s pretty easy tonight, but i’m keeping the points.)

      Jul 23, 2008 at 12:36 am   rating: +25  

       
    • #19.3  SarahBelle

      What’s with the Canthz_B hate?
      *sends love to CB*

      Jul 23, 2008 at 1:26 am   rating: +5  

       
    • #19.4  tinkerbell2

      CB, have you got an ex-wife with a grudge? If you go missing we’ll know where to direct the cops… even the name seems to be aimed at you.

      Jul 23, 2008 at 8:02 am   rating: +1  

       
    • #19.5  Timo

      When does school start again?

      Jul 23, 2008 at 9:18 am   rating: +4  

       
    • #19.6  morpho aurora

      not soon enough :evil:

      “dork magnet” at 11.2 was kinda cute, my 9 year old nephew says stuff like that too.

      Jul 23, 2008 at 9:41 am   rating: +6  

       
     
  • #20  Em Tee

    Both hurt my soul. What happened to the fine art of the haiku?

    Your poo is smelly
    I will hunt you if needed
    Learn to flush Bitches

    Clever it ain’t, but brevity tastes good.

    Jul 22, 2008 at 5:13 pm   rating: +31  

     
  • #21  Candice