Scatological Poetry Slam

July 22nd, 2008 · 223 comments

Given the highly intellectual discussions this site’s commenters have become known for, it seems safe to assume that the question, “How are we to judge poetry?”  is one that you, dear reader, have no doubt pondered on many an occasion, along with other more academic concerns such as the proper resting state of the toilet lid.

Well, as the late Philip Larkin once said, “I think a poet should be judged by what he does with his subjects, not by what his subjects are.” With that in mind, which of these poets would you judge “less likely to make you totally vom”?

Is it this one, from a university campus in Toronto?

Dear Ladies, Please be kind to our noses by flushing during doses of Nature's secondary call when it's smelliest of all. To wail till the end, won't make you any friends, as the smell lingers here in this room with no air. So next time you must answer to Nature's rush for whatever doth ail ye, flush so we don't suffer daily. Thank you.

…or is it this one, spotted by Kacey at the YMCA in the college town of Champaign, Illinois?

STOOL RULES: If you want your stay to be real nice nice/After the deposit - flush it twice/When the paper work is done/Flush once more - it can be fun!!/Heed my words in what you do/Or all you've done - comes back to you

related:  A limerick

extra credit: The Poet of Dirty Words: Reconsidering Philip Larkin [slate.com]

FILED UNDER: Canada · Illinois · odor · office · pure poetry · toilet · Toronto


223 responses so far ↓

  • #1   aaa

    All we need to know is that poetry blows.

    Oh, and this:

    http://www.threadless.com/product/548/Shakespeare_Hates_Your_Emo_Poems

    Jul 22, 2008 at 4:21 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

     
  • #2   Kev Orng

    That first one was written with a grant from Heritage Canada.

    Jul 22, 2008 at 4:24 pm   rating: 29  small thumbs up

     
  • #3   Mark bang

    One of my favorite bathroom graffitis from college:

    “Flush twice, it’s a long way to CK”

    (CK = Central Kitchen, the root of all evil, where most of the crappy food is made)

    Jul 22, 2008 at 4:24 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

     
  • #4   Mark bang

    Why is the first note cut out to look like a puddle of jizz?

    Jul 22, 2008 at 4:25 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

    • #4.1   Kev Orng

      That’s béchemel sauce

      Jul 22, 2008 at 4:26 pm   rating: 11  small thumbs up

       
    • #4.2   aaa

      The whiteness of the semen contrasts nicely with the earthy browns and fresh yellows of feces and urine. Obviously this note-writer has studied interior design.

      Jul 22, 2008 at 4:33 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #4.3   memyself

      I thought it was a maxi-pad.

      Jul 23, 2008 at 2:57 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #5   Sirius bang

    Both of these poems make me want to strangle the poet (and no, that’s not a euphemism for what I usually do in the stall).

    Jul 22, 2008 at 4:26 pm   rating: 25  small thumbs up

     
  • #6   crunchy granola bang

    forget about the horrible poetry… i think al gore would be disappointed if you flush three times every time you drop a deuce

    Jul 22, 2008 at 4:27 pm   rating: 60  small thumbs up

    • #6.1   aaa

      Even flushing every time gets you put on Gore’s naughty list. Every other time is the way to go. Otherwise you’ll get a lump of organic alpaca fertilizer in your stocking. No coal though, fossil fuels are Satan’s feces.

      Jul 22, 2008 at 4:46 pm   rating: 25  small thumbs up

       
    • #6.2   Grade Ape

      Bwa Ha Ha… “drop a deuce”… I have now added you into my everyday working vocabulary! Thanks Granola!

      Jul 22, 2008 at 4:48 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #6.3   Mishee bang

      gore is busy manning the napkin dispenser.

      Jul 22, 2008 at 4:54 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #6.4   aaa

      He has his ways. He knows when you’re sleeping and he knows when you’re awake. Mostly due to incredibly small cameras he’s planted just about everywhere that upload directly to his cell phone.

      Jul 22, 2008 at 5:36 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #6.5   kalieris

      Plus that whole “spray your vulva with eau de poop every time you flush while sitting down.” I honestly don’t care if I upset every single coworker in the building if it means I don’t have to endure cold bacterialicious water sprayed on my cooter.

      Jul 22, 2008 at 5:40 pm   rating: 69  small thumbs up

       
    • #6.6   The Commish

      I agree with Kalieris. With the time it took to think of these witty poems, print them out and meticulously cut the paper into that rad jizz-shaped pattern, how do the poets have time to spend obviously large quantities of time in the restroom? Get back to work, slackers!

      Jul 22, 2008 at 7:21 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #6.7   Jahzzie

      If manufacturers would only stop making “water saver” toilets we wouldn’t need to flush twice!!

      Jul 22, 2008 at 11:37 pm   rating: 11  small thumbs up

       
    • #6.8   Rosie

      “Back in the day” during a drought in Los Angeles they had fineable offenses such as washing your car at home, cleaning the leaves off your driveway with the hose, watering your lawn and so on. I never knew who was driving around looking for these horrible offenses, or even what the fines were. Maybe you were supposed to spy on your neighbors and report them for their dastardly deeds. I don’t know, we just lived with brown lawns, dirty cars and the annoyance of sweeping the driveway. However, my favorite remedy for addressing the water sortage was, “If it’s brown flush it down, if it’s yellow let it mellow.”

      When everyone complied and used much less water, the water company wanted to raise consumer prices because we “weren’t using enough water” and they “weren’t making enough profits.” Only in L.A. …….

      Jul 23, 2008 at 12:50 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #6.9   RP

      Not only in L.A. anymore. With the drought in the Southeast last year we had the same fines and tips (though they said they raised prices to encourage less water usage not because they needed more money).

      They must not be having any drought issues in Toronto.

      Jul 23, 2008 at 1:34 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #6.10   Army of Douche-ness aka the Doucheface Killa

      Is it just because I’m a single guy who works with only 3 other dudes that I think beyond a simple “Flush after you shit” request, we’re delving into somewhat neurotic waters?

      Are these rules that are considered normal in female dominated restrooms? As you can imagine, I don’t hang out in them very much.

      oh and Kalieris, yeah can’t that get you really sick?

      Jul 23, 2008 at 1:40 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #6.11   Cowgirlgraphics

      Our water saver toilets spray such a mighty force of water you have to jump back to not be hit whilst flushing …. and there is no toilet seat cover in the low-cost water savers for commercial buildings. YUCK!

      Jul 23, 2008 at 4:16 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #6.12   prairielily

      Toronto is on Lake Ontario’s shore. Getting their cooters sprayed with eau de poop is a refreshingly clean change for them.

      I don’t know why they bothered with the sign, though. Was it so breathing the air in the bathroom is a refreshingly clean change from breathing the smell of eau de poop wafting into the downtown core from the lake in the summer?

      Jul 24, 2008 at 2:30 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #6.13   MisanthropicGirl

      Doucheface Killa! Yes, you can get pretty sick from bacteria-riddled poo-spray. Some ladies are quite succeptable to urinary tract infections. I should know–I’m one of them. Not only are they painful, but they can spread to your kidneys and cause all sorts of severe unpleasantries. The leading cause of a urinary tract infection is–you guessed it–poo!

      Jul 25, 2008 at 10:02 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #6.14   optimismopski

      Wait– are you gals flushing whilst still sitting on the commode? Why is “poo-spray” an issue for your genitals (infection-wise) if you aren’t hanging out over the toilet while you flush? I think I might be missing something here…

      Jul 26, 2008 at 12:27 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #6.15   Army of Douche-ness aka the Doucheface Killa

      @ optimismopski-

      I believe the mid sit flushing may be occurring per these poems about flushing 2-3 times per session and out of convenience in this situation ..

      Qute honestly, the whole thing has me confused as to why more than 1 flush is needed and if you were to flush twice, when would be the appropriate time to do so…

      again, I think this whole subject seems a bit neurotic to me…or maybe i’m just an ignorant dude who works with 3 other ignorant dudes and doesn’t deal with this topic often…

      Jul 28, 2008 at 10:17 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #7   Mishee bang

    As long as there isn’t any snarky poems about not doing drugs, I am fine with these bathroom rules…

    Jul 22, 2008 at 4:27 pm   rating: 11  small thumbs up

    • #7.1   Grade Ape

      If you’re going to smoke weed
      please flush ALL of the seeds
      instead of leaving them sprinkled on the floor.

      If you must snort coke
      don’t act like a dope,
      have the courtesy to close the stall door.

      Jul 22, 2008 at 4:56 pm   rating: 30  small thumbs up

       
    • #7.2   aaa

      Crack is whack. Crack is for poor people.

      Jul 22, 2008 at 5:37 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #8   shane

    Nauseating. Right up there with “If you sprinkle when you tinkle, be a sweetie and wipe the seatie”.

    Jul 22, 2008 at 4:33 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

    • #8.1   Lurker

      At least that one has a consistent meter. You can even dance to it.

      Jul 23, 2008 at 11:54 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #8.2   shane

      yea, but if you shake it more than three times, you’re playing with it

      Jul 23, 2008 at 4:25 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #8.3   izzyboy bang

      Isn’t that what it’s there for?

      Jul 24, 2008 at 12:41 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #8.4   Kate

      We aim to please, so you aim too please.

      Jul 24, 2008 at 7:31 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #9   jfruh

    Apparently “here” and “air” rhyme in Canada? It really is a different country up there!

    Jul 22, 2008 at 4:37 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

    • #9.1   se

      Maybe they meant to write..
      As the smell lingers in your hair
      In this room with no air.

      Jul 22, 2008 at 6:57 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #9.2   Canthz_B bang

      “You know what I’m talking about,
      Flush the bowl before you scoot.” ;-)

      Jul 24, 2008 at 12:51 am   rating: 9  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #10   SomeGuyWhoNeverComments bang

    That shit really stinks.

    Jul 22, 2008 at 4:46 pm   rating: 9  small thumbs up

     
  • #11   Canthz_B bang

    Shit, flush, flush, wipe, flush?
    This project is becoming too complicated and I’m losing interest in it.

    Jul 22, 2008 at 4:48 pm   rating: 58  small thumbs up

    • #11.1   Steph

      Or is it shit, flush, shit, flush, wipe, flush? I’m so lost. Maybe they should have written numbered instructions instead of this poetry shit (or shit poetry, actually).

      Jul 22, 2008 at 5:20 pm   rating: 25  small thumbs up

       
    • #11.2   WhyAren'tUDeadYet

      Seriously, is anyone else not surprised that the resident dork magnet posting at #11 finds such rudimentary bathroom activities as flushing and wiping his ass too complicated?

      Didn’t think so. Carry on.

      Jul 22, 2008 at 11:56 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #11.3   snee bang

      hey, i’ve gotta game! let’s play “spot the loser!”

      THERE’S ONE NOW!

      (1 point for snee.)

      Jul 23, 2008 at 12:18 am   rating: 17  small thumbs up

       
    • #11.4   tinkerbell2

      the reason you didn’t spot him sooner is he’s been in the bathroom for the last three hours, shitting and flushing, wiping and flushing, flushing and flushing, laughing to himself about what ‘dork magnets’ we all are with our ‘one visit, one flush’ mentality.

      Seriously, ‘dork magnet’?

      Jul 23, 2008 at 7:58 am   rating: 12  small thumbs up

       
    • #11.5   amy d bang

      CB has a magnetic personality and I find myself strangely attracted to him. The more I know him, the more I feel stuck on him.

      Jul 23, 2008 at 10:07 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #11.6   Mishee bang

      amy, you are such a dork

      Jul 23, 2008 at 10:14 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #11.7   amy d bang

      Takes one to know one :P

      Jul 23, 2008 at 10:15 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #11.8   Canthz_B bang

      Let me get all of this straight:

      1) I’m a “dork magnet”. Cool.

      2) WAUDY follows me around the site, as if drawn to me, posting on my comments.

      3) Wouldn’t that add up to WAUDY being a “dork”?

      I’m just asking… ;-)

      Jul 23, 2008 at 2:49 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
    • #11.9   Kev Orng

      Like I said yesterday, any word with a D and a K sound in it is inherently funny.

      Except maybe “deck”

      Jul 23, 2008 at 3:03 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #11.10   ama

      watch out for Dick Cheney. he’ll shoot funny in the face.

      Jul 23, 2008 at 3:12 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #11.11   Kev Orng

      hee hee “Dick”

      Jul 23, 2008 at 3:24 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #11.12   MisanthropicGirl

      I like a big deck.

      Jul 25, 2008 at 10:10 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #12   bean

    Is the second author going to pick up my poo and bring it back to me if I don’t flush three times?

    Jul 22, 2008 at 4:52 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

    • #12.1   Mark bang

      Only if you don’t close the lid.

      Jul 22, 2008 at 5:10 pm   rating: 9  small thumbs up

       
    • #12.2   Kate

      I guess that toilet can’t handle “big jobs”.

      Thx, Sandra

      Jul 24, 2008 at 7:35 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #13   jimmyjimmyjimmyjimmy

    “or all you’ve done comes back to you” Christ, I only wanted to do a shit and now and now I’m being lectured about everything wrong I’ve done in my life

    Jul 22, 2008 at 4:53 pm   rating: 10  small thumbs up

     
  • #14   Canthz_B bang

    Our “poet #1″ has posted the resume she submitted to Proctor and Gamble for a job as a Professional Sniffer in the deodorant division.

    Jul 22, 2008 at 4:56 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #14.1   Lurker

      If you have made dinner plans,
      Inhibit the effluvium of your glands.
      If you expect a second date
      You don’t want to smell “not so great.”
      I’d rather sniff an unflushed shit,
      Than the contents of your armpits.

      Copyright 2008
      THX SANDRA

      Jul 23, 2008 at 11:57 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #15   shane

    I hear they also have an opening as Feminine Hygiene Bin Monitor. Casey, can you confirm?

    Jul 22, 2008 at 4:58 pm   rating: 22  small thumbs up

     
  • #16   amazon

    I vote for #2 (tee hee). Afterall, brevity is the soul of wit.

    p.s. What’s up with the Brit’s getting a different title and cover for their version of the PAN book??

    Jul 22, 2008 at 4:59 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #16.1   bean

      I noticed that too.

      Apparently, in the UK, talking about breast milk is more taboo than murder. *shrug*

      Jul 22, 2008 at 5:03 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #16.2   WhyAren'tUDeadYet

      At least, in the UK, they can likely spell “Brits” properly. (Without the apostrophe, for all of you who still cannot figure it out.)

      Jul 22, 2008 at 11:57 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #16.3   Troy McClure bang

      In fact the apostrophe should follow the ‘s’. Everyone here it pretty understanding, though, WAUDY, & we’re sure you would have figured that out, had your thoughts not been clouded with rage, so try not to feel too humiliated.

      Jul 23, 2008 at 12:23 am   rating: 8  small thumbs up

       
    • #16.4   snee

      HEY, THERE’S ANOTHER ONE–16.2! oh wait, same one. i’m takin’ a point anyway!

      go snee!

      Jul 23, 2008 at 12:32 am   rating: 20  small thumbs up

       
    • #16.5   amazon bang

      If my accidental unnecessary apostrophe is the worst grammatical error you have ever come across on the internet, I envy you.

      p.s. http://xkcd.com/386/

      Jul 23, 2008 at 5:29 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #17   The Modern Gal

    They could have at least obeyed the rules of rhythm and meter.

    Jul 22, 2008 at 5:01 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

     
  • #18   tk.

    The “rhyming” in the first one hurts to read. “Ail ye” and “daily”? Totally vom.

    Jul 22, 2008 at 5:07 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

     
  • #19   Ryan

    Do you know what “ails” me? Shitty Poetry.

    Jul 22, 2008 at 5:08 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

    • #19.1   WhyAren'tUDeadYet

      You must really hate Canthz_B, then.

      Jul 22, 2008 at 11:58 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #19.2   snee

      AND IT’S A HAT-TRICK FOR SNEE!

      (the crowd goes wild. snee gets her third “spot the loser!” point with the Same Poster. it’s historic! it’s amazing! it’s, it’s…okay, it’s pretty easy tonight, but i’m keeping the points.)

      Jul 23, 2008 at 12:36 am   rating: 27  small thumbs up

       
    • #19.3   SarahBelle

      What’s with the Canthz_B hate?
      *sends love to CB*

      Jul 23, 2008 at 1:26 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #19.4   tinkerbell2

      CB, have you got an ex-wife with a grudge? If you go missing we’ll know where to direct the cops… even the name seems to be aimed at you.

      Jul 23, 2008 at 8:02 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #19.5   Timo

      When does school start again?

      Jul 23, 2008 at 9:18 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #19.6   morpho aurora bang

      not soon enough :evil:

      “dork magnet” at 11.2 was kinda cute, my 9 year old nephew says stuff like that too.

      Jul 23, 2008 at 9:41 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #20   Em Tee

    Both hurt my soul. What happened to the fine art of the haiku?

    Your poo is smelly
    I will hunt you if needed
    Learn to flush Bitches

    Clever it ain’t, but brevity tastes good.

    Jul 22, 2008 at 5:13 pm   rating: 33  small thumbs up

     
  • #21   Candice

    Re: 2nd note…

    Why are we flushing, not just once, but twice before we wipe? Can we flush once in mid-shit and once afterwards or is it absolutely necessary that we flush twice post-shit? And considering we have to flush again after we wipe, why can’t we combine at least one of the post-shit flushes with the wipe flush?

    Jul 22, 2008 at 5:21 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #21.1   SarahBelle

      Maybe their toilets are so shitty it takes that many flushes to get it all down.

      Jul 23, 2008 at 1:27 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #22   zorinlynx bang

    It reminds me of this one I saw years ago:

    “If it’s yellow, let it mellow;
    If it’s brown, flush it down.”

    This was apparently intended to keep the septic system from flooding. I don’t particularly enjoy entering a bathroom smelling of multiple people’s urine, though. Ugh.

    Jul 22, 2008 at 5:22 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #22.1   Grade Ape

      That reminds me of the one I saw,

      “If you want great head call…” No, wait, that doesn’t rhyme at all!

      Jul 22, 2008 at 5:38 pm   rating: 9  small thumbs up

       
    • #22.2   Canthz_B bang

      That reminds me of one I saw on the last note.

      Jul 22, 2008 at 9:22 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #22.3   Timo

      I am experiencing a sense of Deja Poo.

      Jul 23, 2008 at 9:44 am   rating: 8  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #23   Sra

    There’s simply no reason to talk about poo in a pretty way.

    Jul 22, 2008 at 5:30 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #23.1   shane

      But there is a reason to sing about it.

      http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P-OIgXyvzUU

      Jul 22, 2008 at 5:35 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #23.2   Sophie

      Amen!!!

      The first note would be better if it was cross-stitched onto a little piece of linen and hung above the toilet cistern.

      Both these are fucked.

      Jul 23, 2008 at 3:28 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #24   laura jeanette

    Why can’t they just get more efficient toilets? They make toilets that determine if you need a big flush or a little flush and act accordingly. I think that would make Al Gore happy.

    Jul 22, 2008 at 5:31 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

    • #24.1   bean

      You’re right. We have really fallen behind in potty technology. The Japanese have built in bidets, and we have shitty poetry.

      Now we know what is wrong with America.

      Jul 22, 2008 at 5:36 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

       
    • #24.2   aaa

      Yeah, shit-size sensors, built in bidets, and recordings of flushing to cover your pee sounds are truly the secret to eco-groovydom and saving the earth. These technologies are what will save us all and the Japanese are selfishly hogging them all to themselves. We’re trying to catch up with poetry about poo, but it just isn’t enough. That is the inconvenient truth.

      http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Japanese_toilets

      Jul 22, 2008 at 5:43 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #24.3   Canthz_B bang

      I don’t think I could do my business with HAL 9000 monitoring my output.

      ~ “I’m adding prunes to your diet, Dave” ~

      Jul 22, 2008 at 6:49 pm   rating: 25  small thumbs up

       
    • #24.4   se

      or..
      “Dave, I can tell you are having difficulty. Would you like an enema?”

      can’t do the italics…..hhmmm

      Jul 22, 2008 at 7:02 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

       
    • #24.5   amazon bang

      When I was an exchange student in Japan for a summer during high school, I had no idea they had such high tech toilets. When I saw all the buttons, I just started pushing them, and the next think I knew, a stream of water went shooting out the toilet, across the bathroom! Good thing I hadn’t been sitting on it at the time, or it would have been quite a surprise! Then again, maybe I would have been in for a pleasant surprise. ;)

      Still not as bad as a friend of mine, who had never even heard of a bidet. When we went traveling across Europe, she told me that she had washed her clothes in the “little sink” in the bathroom. I almost felt bad telling her what the “little sink” is used for… almost.

      Jul 22, 2008 at 7:15 pm   rating: 14  small thumbs up

       
    • #24.6   Burghardt

      The Japanese toilets can spray you clean too, no tree-killing toilet paper needed. The water that fills the tank then flows fountain-like for you to wash your hands in, no extra sink-water needed.

      these toilets have been personally blessed by Saint Gore.

      oh, and se, try the i tags for italics

      Jul 22, 2008 at 7:19 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #24.7   Kev Orng

      The “little sink” story reminds me of another story. In those plastic blue port-a-potties with the built in urinal, they sometimes fill the urinal with rock salt so it doesn’t get coated with frozen pee. A friend of mine thought the salt was to scatter on the floor so you don’t slip when it’s icy.

      I was laughing too hard to ask if the floor was covered with regular ice or pee ice.

      Jul 22, 2008 at 8:08 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

       
    • #24.8   kat

      I think they were actually standard in NZ….one button for number one, another for number two….

      Jul 22, 2008 at 9:01 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #24.9   Troy McClure bang

      Fairly standard, yeah, kat, & in Australia too. But it sounds as if the Japanese ones automatically classify your waste, which is a bit creepy. I’ll stick with the fubenjo, thanks anyway.

      Jul 22, 2008 at 11:08 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #24.10   Kate

      Yeah, and the water swirls the other way down under. You people have crazy toilets.

      Jul 24, 2008 at 7:47 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #25   anon

    When I was in college, a sign went up in our dorm toilet stalls:

    Urinate or deficate,
    Please do not ejaculate!

    Jul 22, 2008 at 6:07 pm   rating: 11  small thumbs up

    • #25.1   Bunnee

      Were there lots of jiz-covered toilets or something? Did everyone have bad aim and it was all over the seats? If so, they would have to be standing up when doing the deed…hmmm…seems awkward to me.

      Jul 22, 2008 at 6:34 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #25.2   Canthz_B bang

      Awkward? Not if you’re “shooting” for the school distance record! 8-)

      Jul 22, 2008 at 6:54 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #26   agirlie

    wtf?
    way to creative for me.
    Mine would say:

    did you leave a shit?
    don’t forget to flush it.

    Can I steal the first one for our bathroom, not that the kiddles can read…….

    Jul 22, 2008 at 6:43 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #27   Melissa

    In the wastewater treatment biz (wastewater is a politically correct name for sewage), we say “Flush twice, it’s good for business.” Maybe we should be more ambitious and go for three!

    Jul 22, 2008 at 6:52 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

    • #27.1   Mark bang

      Also, “it may smell like shit to you, but it smells like money to me.”

      Greetings, fellow poopy-person!

      (mostly I do drinking water, actually, but sometimes end up doing sewerage too)

      Jul 22, 2008 at 6:56 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

       
    • #27.2   Canthz_B bang

      A match made in…well, never mind that. :-D

      Jul 22, 2008 at 7:10 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #27.3   DirtyOldLady bang

      That reminds me of a song my Daddy used to sing to me:

      My brother worked in the sewer
      One day an explosion was lit
      My brother came home from the sewer
      Covered all over with…

      Sweet violets! Sweeter than the roses
      Covered all over from head to toe
      Covered all over with sweet violets.

      Jul 23, 2008 at 7:39 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #27.4   Melissa

      The wastewater world is a small one! At least in California. Where are you at Mark?
      Maybe we’re enemies (what fun!) :)

      Jul 23, 2008 at 7:04 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #27.5   Mark bang

      I’m in Seattle, and I work for a large worldwide engineering consulting firm that just last year bought another large engineering firm, doubling our size to about 60k people. Company name has 3 letters.

      How about you?

      Jul 23, 2008 at 7:14 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #27.6   Melissa

      I work for a small consulting firm just north of Sacramento. No international. But we have an office in Reno (whoo! hitting the big time!)!
      I have two guesses for where you work, but I’m guessing it starts with a C (alternatively, it’s an H). Alternatively it’s another letter of the alphabet that I haven’t yet considered. ;)

      Jul 24, 2008 at 1:26 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #27.7   Mark bang

      Reno’s pretty cool. As is Sac, though I haven’t been to Sac.

      A small consulting firm probably doesn’t compete very heavily with my company (in fact you might occasionally be a sub on some projects), so we’re probably not enemies. :-D

      And there is no C or H in the name.

      Don’t be too flustered — I had never heard of my company before I applied for a job here, but we’re actually quite large.

      Jul 24, 2008 at 1:35 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #27.8   Melissa

      I love Sac, but I grew up here so I’m somewhat biased. :)
      As long as you don’t work for Carollo (which has more than three letters), then we can co-exist peacefully.

      Jul 25, 2008 at 2:17 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #28   ama

    don’t you hate it when your paperwork comes back to you.

    please let the first sign be from a co-ed bathroom (Dear Ladies…) please, please please

    Jul 22, 2008 at 6:54 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

     
  • #29   Canthz_B bang

    Shitty-shitty,
    Flush-flush
    Shitty-shitty
    Flush-flush
    Shitty-shitty
    Wipe and
    Flush that too.
    Oh we shitty-shitty
    Flush-flush
    Shitty-shitty, wipe and
    Flush that too!

    Jul 22, 2008 at 7:05 pm   rating: 15  small thumbs up

    • #29.1   bean

      em…I think you missed a flush in there : /

      Jul 22, 2008 at 7:15 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #29.2   Canthz_B bang

      Poo-etic license! ;-)

      Jul 22, 2008 at 7:20 pm   rating: 16  small thumbs up

       
    • #29.3   Aijaz bang

      That shit was truly scrumptious. Well done!

      Jul 23, 2008 at 7:40 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #30   RALPHY

    The two notes show the geological differences in Canada and the U.S. Canadian poo, once expelled from the body, sucks all the o2 from the atmosphere and you, indeed, wind up with a “room with no air” annihilating all but the most hardy of souls. In Illinois, as in most of the U.S., we have a ventilation system that, with the help of multiple flushes (and we do sooo want to be nice), takes care of most of the problem. Now drugs and wacking off in there are a whole new set of issues.
    I’ve made a study of this.

    Jul 22, 2008 at 7:12 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

     
  • #31   Canthz_B bang

    Constipation

    Holmes: “You don’t look well, Watson.”

    Watson: “No shit, Sherlock!”

    *don’t hurt me :eek:

    Jul 22, 2008 at 7:18 pm   rating: 14  small thumbs up

     
  • #32   Burghardt

    News flash for both notes, “You’re in a BATHROOM! What did you expect it to smell like?” If you can’t make a stink in a bathroom, what options are left? The dumpster in the alley?

    Jul 22, 2008 at 7:26 pm   rating: 12  small thumbs up

    • #32.1   Canthz_B bang

      The garden smells nice…for now.

      Jul 22, 2008 at 7:30 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #32.2   fnnkybutt

      Well, there’s always the elevator.

      Jul 22, 2008 at 10:41 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #32.3   Canthz_B bang

      There’s the local Post Office.

      Jul 23, 2008 at 12:50 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #32.4   DirtyOldLady bang

      The shower at the gym. :D

      Jul 23, 2008 at 7:33 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #32.5   ama

      A plastic bag that you bring to your hosts’ dinner table. VERY NI-ICE!

      Jul 23, 2008 at 10:00 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
    • #32.6   Bunnee

      The corner of a dressing room in a department store…

      Jul 23, 2008 at 11:51 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #32.7   Ti-Ni bang

      The rude neighbors car hood.

      Jul 23, 2008 at 12:48 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #32.8   Bunnee

      On a cast iron skillet, flung over the balcony…

      Jul 23, 2008 at 3:30 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #33   Canthz_B bang

    Yes, Tony Orlando and Dawn were shitty:

    Oh my darling,
    Flush three times,
    On the toilet,
    To be turd free.

    Only flush twice,
    If you can’t let it go.

    Jul 22, 2008 at 7:28 pm   rating: 10  small thumbs up

    • #33.1   amy d bang

      OMG, fucking hilarious, CB!

      Jul 22, 2008 at 7:35 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #34   NoPunIntended bang

    Flushing mid-shit violates my rules… I can only flush if the lid is closed ’cause I heard this thing once that the poo gets mistified and gets on your toothbrush… can we say gross!

    Jul 22, 2008 at 8:24 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

     
  • #35   NoPunIntended bang

    Fuck off poetry
    Haiku is where it is at
    So much easier

    A trip to the loo
    It is a big number two
    Such a smelly poo…

    What oh, what, to do?
    When it’s done, that’s your cue,
    Simply flush the loo.

    Jul 22, 2008 at 8:43 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

    • #35.1   Troy McClure bang

      Six syllables in your penultimate line. Busted! (But please don’t look too closely at the penultimate line of mine from yesterday.)

      Jul 22, 2008 at 11:13 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

       
    • #35.2   NoPunIntended bang

      I really hate making mistakes… especially stupid ones, or ones that I can’t fix because the edit window is too damn short.

      Thanks for learning how to count Troy, you made me feel dumb :(

      Jul 23, 2008 at 9:45 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #35.3   Troy McClure bang

      Hey! NPI, I hope you’re kidding. I liked your haiku! Plussed it & all. And I ‘busted’ you in a spirit of camaraderie—pointing out my own very similar blunder.

      Jul 23, 2008 at 10:08 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #35.4   NoPunIntended bang

      Of course I was kidding… I do still wish I could count as good as you though.

      Jul 23, 2008 at 1:04 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #36   plumpdumpling

    I guess I like #2 because I believe in its message. I used to flush and flush and flush out of politeness. But then one of the women from the office next door pooed all over the toilet seat in our shared floor bathroom. And now I get a sick, wonderful pleasure from letting my stench seep from under the door of my stall into theirs.

    Jul 22, 2008 at 9:39 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

     
  • #37   Martin Heidegger

    Ugh. What irks me here is not the passive-aggressiveness of the notes but the poor rhyming scheme and awkward meter.

    I should have been an English major.

    (Does anyone *ever* say that?)

    Jul 22, 2008 at 11:08 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

    • #37.1   Troy McClure bang

      No, Martin, you’re the first. And I can’t bear the irony. All those would-be novelists & playwrights with English BAs, just wishing they had something original to say, and then you come along with that rare pearl they’d all kill for, and it’s “I should have been an English major.”

      Jul 22, 2008 at 11:46 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #37.2   Martin Heidegger

      You’re right, of course.

      I guess I listen to too much Garrison Keillor… what with the English major laments and all.

      Jul 23, 2008 at 12:22 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #37.3   MisanthropicGirl

      *sigh.* I do.

      Jul 25, 2008 at 10:44 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #38   Canthz_B bang

    I think both authors are future Poet Loo-reates! :-P

    Jul 22, 2008 at 11:33 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

    • #38.1   Bikerbabeee

      Dont you mean
      POOet-Looreates?

      Shit Happens!

      Jul 23, 2008 at 12:12 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #38.2   Canthz_B bang

      No, I already used “Poo-etic License” earlier on the thread so “Pooet” was out.
      I did consider it, though, and I’m glad you would have liked it, Bb. :-)

      Jul 23, 2008 at 12:17 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #39   reyna ulikba bang

    ahhh… ehem.

    “Tell me how I’m supposed to breathe with no air?
    Can’t live, can’t breathe with no air
    It’s how I feel whenever you ain’t there
    It’s no air, no air
    Got me out here in the water so deep
    Tell me how you gonna be without me
    If you ain’t here, I just can’t breathe
    It’s no air, no air”

    All together now…

    Jul 23, 2008 at 12:19 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

    • #39.1   ama

      that reminds me, SYTYCD is on tonight. go katee! go joshua! go comfort! go dasher dancer prancer vixen!

      Jul 23, 2008 at 3:04 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #39.2   Timo

      I think I saw Vixen at the strip club “Flesh-o-Plenty” she dances the day shift there.

      Jul 23, 2008 at 5:48 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #39.3   snee

      i understand there’s been some trouble about her being late.

      Jul 23, 2008 at 9:24 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #39.4   ama

      is there going to be a Baby Vixen?!

      Jul 24, 2008 at 7:37 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #39.5   sprucemoose

      Comet and Cupid and Agnew and Nixon!

      (Wow! That shows my age.)

      Jul 25, 2008 at 12:40 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #40   Canthz_B bang

    If the secret of success is location, location, location, then these two writers should be quite successful!

    Jul 23, 2008 at 12:21 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #41   KMax

    I want to know if someone is monitoring the toilets in the same way they’re monitoring the feminine waste bins. And reporting those who only flush once, or even twice.

    Jul 23, 2008 at 12:56 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #42   Nolanimrod

    Oh, Mark! You give away too much of yourself (as, according to you, you have done on numerous occasions).

    A REAL man doesn’t know what “a puddle of jizz” looks like, said “puddle” having been deposited in a place where it is not visible.

    Jul 23, 2008 at 2:23 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #42.1   Mark bang

      Real men occasionally pull out and jizz all over her back or face.

      Example: Peter North.

      Jul 23, 2008 at 10:59 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #42.2   Canthz_B bang

      Bangitus interruptus.

      Jul 23, 2008 at 12:46 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #43   Jsmoke

    Shitter was full!

    Jul 23, 2008 at 3:15 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #44   Russ

    People think these signs are so clever– I’m not terribly amused. I think their poetry skills can be put to be use.

    http://death-sentences.blogspot.com/

    Jul 23, 2008 at 4:21 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #45   Holiday Djinn

    Al Gore is monitoring how many times you flush. . . .

    Seriously though, I have always thought flushing twice for a normal duece was greedy. The exception is if you take a really big “iceberg” crap. So called becuase only 1/3 of its total mass is seen above water. When you have an iceberg in your toilet, then you should be allowed a double flush. Never when seated though. Who wants that shit on their cheeks?

    Jul 23, 2008 at 7:09 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

    • #45.1   Mishee bang

      better than having shit on your toothbrush… duh!

      and sometimes, if your ass is on fire from all that pooping, don’t you think the cool spray from the flush would feel nice? not that I’d know from personal experience or anything… just a hypo….

      Jul 23, 2008 at 11:03 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #45.2   Ti-Ni bang

      I agree. Sometimes you are sitting there thinking to yourself “come ON! Where is the ice cream from last night?!?”

      Just saying. It could come to mind.

      Jul 23, 2008 at 12:46 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #45.3   Holiday Djinn

      I keep a packed pint or two of B&J in the freezer just in case I eat really spicey Thai or Mexican, and fear the burn the next morning.

      Two scoops and you be right as rain. Well, maybe not buy who can resist New York Fudge Brownie Chunk?

      Jul 24, 2008 at 8:23 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #46   ama

    Alexander Poop would be proud. I mean, Pope. Also, Edgar Allan Poo. POE!

    Jul 23, 2008 at 7:41 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #46.1   Kev Orng

      I don’t know, neither of these poems are up to the standard of “The Tell-Tale Fart”

      Jul 23, 2008 at 8:25 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #46.2   Kev Orng

      The Peer in repose, the glittering latrine wide,
      T’deposit the Poo; now it splashes, to divide.
      Ev’n then, before the Commode flush’d,
      A wretched Stench, the lavatr’y hush’d;
      They sweep th’air, to slash the Funk in twain,
      (But Airy Substance soon unites again)
      They entreat The Peer to press the Lever,
      But th’Odour doth linger, for ever and ever!

      With deepest apologies to Alexander Pope

      Jul 23, 2008 at 8:48 am   rating: 19  small thumbs up

       
    • #46.3   Holiday Djinn

      Gives new meaning to, ” while I pondered, weak and weary. . .”

      Jul 23, 2008 at 8:53 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
    • #46.4   Quite Contrary

      Kev: why must you be married to another?

      Jul 23, 2008 at 10:05 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #46.5   Canthz_B bang

      The Smell of the House of Flusher.

      Jul 23, 2008 at 12:49 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

       
    • #46.6   Kev Orng

      QC, I cook, too.

      Jul 23, 2008 at 12:54 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #46.7   Ti-Ni bang

      Poo on the grass.

      Walt Whitman

      Jul 23, 2008 at 12:56 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #46.8   Asspanda Patrol

      You’re killing me, Kev. What’s your laundry ability?

      Jul 23, 2008 at 4:38 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #46.9   snee

      i sense a line forming…

      Jul 23, 2008 at 9:27 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #47   ama

    What happens to a poo deferred?
    Does it dry up
    like a raisin in the sun?
    Or fester like a sore
    And then run?
    Does it stink like rotten meat?
    Or crust and sugar over
    like a syrupy sweet?
    Maybe it just sags
    like a heavy load.

    Or does it explode?

    Langston poos.
    i’m def. going to hell for this.

    Jul 23, 2008 at 9:10 am   rating: 25  small thumbs up

    • #47.1   Timo

      Absolutely fabulous! I weep at the beauty of this.

      Jul 23, 2008 at 9:29 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #47.2   LThrace

      Simply brilliant!

      Seat #42A in the 3rd circle of hell has your name on it.

      Jul 23, 2008 at 9:56 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #47.3   ama

      i’m waiting for someone to join me with “Hold Fast to Stools”…..

      (ow, Mephistopheles, what was that for!)

      Jul 23, 2008 at 10:06 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #47.4   Timo

      I favour Pooblo Neruda. He has always been dear to me.

      Jul 23, 2008 at 10:23 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #47.5   ama

      how about Robert Frost?

      Two johns diverged in a wood, and I—
      I took the one less traveled by,
      And that has made all the difference.

      Jul 23, 2008 at 10:43 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #47.6   Lurker

      As long as we don’t get a similar one from ee cummings. But that’s a different bathroom story altogether.

      Jul 23, 2008 at 12:00 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

       
    • #47.7   Mark bang

      so much depends
      upon

      the brown deuce
      flushing

      glazed with poo
      water

      inside the white
      commode.

      Jul 23, 2008 at 12:11 pm   rating: 13  small thumbs up

       
    • #47.8   Ti-Ni bang

      brilliant mark!

      Jul 23, 2008 at 12:43 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #47.9   Canthz_B bang

      I smell a book deal!!

      What? This would make great bathroom reading material! ;-)

      Jul 23, 2008 at 12:51 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #47.10   Ti-Ni bang

      I celebrate myself, and shit myself,
      And what I poo, you shall poo,
      For every atom belonging to me as good belongs to you. For I have left the lid up.

      I drop a loafe and invite my soul,
      I lean and drop a loafe at my ease observing a spear of summer grass.

      “thong of myself”
      The lesser known verse by Walt Whitman

      Jul 23, 2008 at 1:03 pm   rating: 9  small thumbs up

       
    • #47.11   ama

      HAHAHAH, Ti-Ni, i can’t stop laughing…! i humbly offer this lesser ode:

      A Turd came down the Walk—
      I hope that no one saw—
      I bit the AngelSoft in halves
      And wiped my bottom, raw,

      And then I had to Poo
      From a convenient Grass,
      And then hopped sidewise to the Wall
      To let a Beetle pass—

      I glanced with rapid eyes
      That hurried all abroa—
      Those look like frightened Beads, I thought—

      (i’m sorry emily dickinson)

      Jul 23, 2008 at 1:47 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #48   Quite Contrary

    Why do you think you are going to hell? You simply have a curious mind. Nothing wrong with that. You mother, Jesus, and Al Gore would approve.

    Jul 23, 2008 at 10:03 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #48.1   Quite Contrary

      Sorry. Supposed to be 44.3. Evidently my mind needs caffeine.

      Jul 23, 2008 at 10:04 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #49   Sandra

    Only flush for big jobs. For small jobs, see Casey in HR.

    Jul 23, 2008 at 10:11 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

     
  • #50   super pooper

    I hate the people that made these poop poems worst of all. The nice thing about it is that their poetry is posted in a location where there is a convenient disposal appliance handy – Flush Twice when washing down shitty poetry!

    Jul 23, 2008 at 10:32 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

     
  • #51   Triumph the Insult Comic Dog

    I POOP ON YOUR POEMS!~

    Jul 23, 2008 at 10:33 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

     
  • #52   Joy McGreedy

    One thing is for sure – poo is the common denominator that unites us all.

    And nothing explains it better than the lyrics to this song from the killer musical episode of Scrubs:

    Everything Comes Down to Poo

    J.D.: You see….
    Everything comes down to poo!
    From the top of your head, to the sole of your shoe
    We can figure out what’s wrong with you by lookin’ at your poo!
    Turk?

    Turk: Do you have a hemorrhoid or is it rectal cancer?
    When you flush your dookie down, you flush away the answer!

    J.D.: It doesn’t really matter if it’s hard or if it’s loose
    We’ll figure out what’s ailing you, as long as it’s a deuce!
    Yes!
    Everything comes down to poo!

    Nurses: Everything comes down to poo!

    J.D.: Cardiovascular and lymphatic, yes, the nervous system, too!
    All across the nation, we trust in defecation!
    Everything comes down to poo!

    Turk: If you want to know what’s wrong, don’t sit and act so cool
    Just be a man and eat some bran, and drop the kids off at the pool!

    Robed Woman: My stomach hurts
    J.D: Check the poo

    Limping Woman: I sprained my ankle
    Turk: Check the poo!

    Bloody Shoulder Guy: I was shot!
    J.D: Check the poo!

    Delivery Guy: A homeless guy threw poo in my eye!
    Turk: Check the poo!
    Delivery Guy: Mine or his?
    J.D: First him, then you!
    It may sound gross, you may say “shush!”

    J.D. & Turk: But we need to see what comes out of your tush!
    Because!

    All: Everything comes down to poo!
    Whether it’s a tumor or a touch of the flu!

    J.D. & Turk: Please, won’t you pinch us off a big, fat clue!

    Turk: Our number one test is your Number Two!

    All: If there’s no breeze, light a match please!
    Everything comes down to –

    J.D.: Doo-doo!
    Turk: Doo-doo!
    J.D.: Doo-doo!
    Turk: Doo-doo!

    All: Everything comes down to … poo!

    Jul 23, 2008 at 11:53 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #52.1   Canthz_B bang

      This was really funny!
      The link to the YouTube is at #23.1.
      I loved these two posts! :-)

      Jul 23, 2008 at 2:12 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #53   Chloe

    I’d like to smack the person who wrote that first one.

    Jul 23, 2008 at 11:54 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #54   Xtroll

    What’s really comical about the whole thing water acts as a odor barrier so once your poo hits the water and sinks, you can’t smell it anymore. What your smelling is the gases that came out with your poo and the poo still stuck to your back side and all the flushing in the world isn’t going to help that.
    If you don’t believe me about that water is an odor barrier, why do you think they got drain traps? It’s not to collect everything and get plugged up because without drain traps, everything would just flow freely away. Drain traps are there to hold water in place to keep the smells of the sewer or septic system from filling your home. Try removing a drain trap sometime and see what lovely odors come out for you to enjoy. So unless your poo is floating around on the top of the water which sounds like a personal problem, you don’t need to flush twice. That is unless you can’t get it all down with one flush but again, that sounds like a personal problem.

    Jul 23, 2008 at 11:56 am   rating: 9  small thumbs up

    • #54.1   Kev Orng

      Hooray! Thanks, Dr. Science! :)

      Jul 23, 2008 at 12:04 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #54.2   Mark bang

      Yes, but you need to consider floaters (which you mentioned) and also giant deuces which stick out of the water because they’re so long and get stuck in a semi-vertical orientation (which you didn’t mention).

      Jul 23, 2008 at 12:09 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #54.3   Canthz_B bang

      Giant deuces like on South Park?

      Who was that? Stan’s dad?

      Jul 23, 2008 at 12:56 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #54.4   Ti-Ni bang

      Yes yes yes the sinking submarine scenario. Also isn’t there a certain amount of off-gassing or sublimation of the poo.

      I think it was Stans dad CB. “Look at that!”

      Jul 23, 2008 at 1:10 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #54.5   Canthz_B bang

      Holy Crap!

      Stan’s dad

      Jul 23, 2008 at 2:30 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #55   MJ

    Why in the FUCK is nature capitalized?!? Uh!!! People are so stupid!

    Jul 23, 2008 at 12:55 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #56   ssb

    flush THREE times? what a waste of water.

    Jul 23, 2008 at 1:03 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #57   Kev Orng

    In Xanadu did Kubla Khan
    A stately Golden Throne decree:
    Set where the sacred plumbing ran
    Through caverns measureless to man
    Down to a sunless sea.

    So 100 square feet of fertile ground
    With tasteful tiling girdled round :
    And there were towels bright with lacy frills,
    And fine porcelain gleaming, white and pure;
    And here’s a mirror hiding Kubla’s pills,
    And magazines to read whilst he endures.

    But oh ! Those abdominal rumbles which started
    Deep in the bowels under cover !
    A savage gurgle! Then Kubla farted
    As e’er beneath a waning moon was haunted
    By woman wailing for her demon-lover !
    And from this rumble, with ceaseless turmoil seething,
    The stench made problems for people breathing,
    A mighty fountain momently was forced :
    Amid whose swift half-intermitted burst
    Huge fragments vaulted like rebounding hail,
    Or chaffy grain beneath the thresher’s flail :
    And ‘mid these dancing rocks at once and ever
    It flung up momently the sacred throne.
    Five miles meandering with a mazy motion
    Through wood and dale the mighty odour ran,
    Then reached the caverns measureless to man,
    And sank in tumult to a lifeless ocean :
    And ‘mid this tumult Kubla heard from far
    Intestinal voices prophesying more !
    The shadow of the throne of pleasure
    Floated midway on the waves ;
    Where was heard the mingled measure
    From the fountain and the caves.

    ============

    YES! I know, I hardly had to change the second half of this at all. But I have to get back to work. Besides, if Coleridge couldn’t be bothered to finish it, why should I?

    Jul 23, 2008 at 2:06 pm   rating: 11  small thumbs up

    • #57.1   Troy McClure bang

      Intestinal voices. I love it.

      Jul 23, 2008 at 8:44 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #58   Mark bang

    I met a traveller from an antique land
    Who said: Two vast and trunkless logs of poo
    Stand in the desert. Near them on the sand,
    Half sunk, a shatter’d commode lies, whose loo
    And downturned lid and smear from old hand
    Tell that its sculptor well those vapors spray’d
    Which yet survive, stamp’d on these stinking things,
    The fan that vent’d them and the fart that fed.
    And on the pedestal these words appear:
    “My name is Ozymandias, king of kings:
    Look on my turds, ye Mighty, and despair!”
    Nothing beside remains: round the decay
    Of that colossal deuce, boundless and bare,
    The lone and level sands stretch far away.

    ———

    Wow, these “adaptations” are surprisingly difficult.

    Jul 23, 2008 at 2:32 pm   rating: 11  small thumbs up

    • #58.1   ama

      only if you attempt Percy Bysshe Smelly!

      Jul 23, 2008 at 2:40 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #59   Kev Orng

    1 First God shook heaven & earth

    2 The smell was without form and void, and darkness was upon the face of the deep; and the odour of God was moving over the face of the waters.

    3 And God said, “Let a match be lit”; and there was light.

    4 And God saw that the light was good;
    and that the match separated the stench from the air.

    5 God sat for another Day, and through the darkness he called Night.
    Through the evening until next morning, one day.

    6 And God said, “Let there be an extra flush in the midst of the shitting, and let it separate the shitting from the wiping.”

    7 And God made the extra flush and separated the shitting which was before the first wiping from the shitting which was after the first wiping.
    And it was so.

    8 And God called the air quality Heaven. And sat for another evening, and there was morning, a second day.

    9 And God said, “Let the waters under the bottom be flushed together to one place, and let the fecal deposits disappear.”
    And it was so.

    10 God called the fecal deposits Poo, and the waters that were gathered together he called Tinkle. And God saw that it was good.

    11 And God said, “Let the ass expel digested vegetation, plants and fruit trees bearing fruit in which is their seed, each according to its kind, upon the earth.” And it was so.

    12 The ass expelled vegetation, plants and fruit trees bearing fruit in which is their seed, each according to its kind.
    And God noticed that it kinda stank.

    13 And he sat another evening unto morning, a third day.

    14 And God said, “Let there be matches lit in the firmament of the heavens to separate the smell from the air;

    blah blah blah, and on the 7th day he rested.

    Jul 23, 2008 at 3:04 pm   rating: 17  small thumbs up

    • #59.1   amazon bang

      In case you were on the edge with your previous poetry, I think this one locks you in for your spot in hell.

      Don’t feel bad, only the cool people go to hell!

      Jul 23, 2008 at 5:47 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #59.2   Kev Orng

      If this was the real Genesis, the congregation would say “Holy Shit” instead of “Amen”.

      But I subscribe to that other creation myth, where the world sits on top of a giant turtle head.

      Jul 23, 2008 at 7:14 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #59.3   Mark bang

      It’s turtles, all the way down!

      I believe that the Flying Spaghetti Monster created us all ten seconds ago. Have you been touched by his noodly appendage?

      Ramen.

      Jul 23, 2008 at 7:18 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #60   Stringyhair

    It is like a breath of fresh air that the writer is more concerned with the smell than the streaker. Seriously this poem would have been perfect if they could have added anything about “being in a rush, but don’t forget to use the brush.” Or “Your mom doesn’t work here, refill the toilet paper.” It’s a shame…

    Jul 23, 2008 at 3:27 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #61   ama

    STOOL RULES! SO STAY IN STOOL! 4 LyFE

    Jul 23, 2008 at 3:41 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #61.1   ama

      ps: URINE DROOLS!

      Jul 23, 2008 at 3:49 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #62   izzyboy bang

    Not from his ass,
    Had it the ability for pooping,
    He never thought you should flush it thrice,
    But since, so jump upon this stinky question,
    You from the women’s room, and you from the men’s,
    Are here arrived give order that this poopies
    High on a stool be placed for the smell,
    And let me speak to the yet unsmelling world
    How these things came about, so shall you smell
    Of carnal, bloody, and unnatural shits
    Of accidental gruntings, casual splatters,
    Of shits stunk out by cunning and forced push,
    And in this stankness, purposes mistook
    Fall’n on the shitters pooping, all this can I
    Truly Deliver.

    Jul 24, 2008 at 1:07 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #63   Jsmoke

    “I crap, therefore I am”—Descartes

    Jul 24, 2008 at 3:12 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #63.1   Holiday Djinn

      “crapito ergo sum”?

      From this logically follows the Scatological proof for the existence of God.

      Descartes wrote in the Fifth Meditation from “Discourse on Method”

      But if the mere fact that I can produce from my bowels the poop of something that entails everything which I clearly and distinctly perceive to belong to that crap really does belong to it, is not this a possible basis for another movement to prove the existence of God? Certainly, the idea of God, or a supremely perfect crap, is one that I find within me just as surely as the idea of any shape of a number 2

      Jul 24, 2008 at 8:36 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #64   chick bang

    i’d like to see what poems these people come up with if they were to visit me in the middle east. over here, toilets sometimes consist of holes in the floor with poo in them. and when you try to pee, you splash OTHER PEOPLE’S POO (infinitely worse than toilet water) onto your ankles. (never mind shitting while squatting.) there is no water to block the smell. toilet paper is nonexistent unless you bring it with you.

    if there is a western-style toilet, it has a rusty bidet with someone else’s feces still clinging to it. one of my friends once claimed she was raped by the toilet when she sat down too fast and the poo-covered bidet went up her ass.

    so i have a poem for you, oh collegiate authors:

    if you don’t have to shit in a hole
    shut up
    jerk

    Jul 24, 2008 at 6:30 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

     
  • #65   thebis4uknow

    Doesn’t this spit in the face of water-saving?

    Jul 24, 2008 at 9:43 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #66   Lauren

    Why’s it always in Canada?

    Jul 24, 2008 at 10:37 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #67   agong

    secret msg to rb:

    flash than flush!!

    Jul 24, 2008 at 6:00 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #67.1   RunBarbara bang

      duuuude….youre here??? fo realz?

      Jul 24, 2008 at 6:09 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #67.2   Mishee bang

      agong was lucky – I was gonna say something to him/her but I soon lost interest in the project…

      Jul 24, 2008 at 6:30 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #68   agong

    yes my wallabee!!!

    Jul 24, 2008 at 6:28 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #69   elvinpixie

    LET us go then, you and I,
    When the evening is spread out against the sky
    Like the overwhelming smell inside a sty;
    Let us go, through certain half-deserted streets,
    The muttering retreats
    Of restless nights in one-night cheap hotels
    Struggling and straining, this is hell:
    Smells that follow like a tedious argument
    Of insidious intent
    To lead you to an overwhelming question …
    Oh, do not ask, “What is it?”
    Let us go, I have to shit.

    In the room the women come and go
    Flushing twice is not enough, you know.

    The yellow smell that rubs its back upon the window-panes,
    The yellow stench that rubs its muzzle on the window-panes
    Licked its tongue into the corners of the evening,
    Lingered upon the pools that stand in drains,
    Let fall upon its back the stuff that falls from potties,
    Slipped by the terrace, made a sudden leap,
    And seeing that it was a soft October night,
    Curled once about the tank, and fell asleep

    My deepest apologies, Mr Elliot

    Jul 24, 2008 at 7:26 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #69.1   Mark bang

      Brilliant! Well done! One of my favorite poems…

      Jul 25, 2008 at 10:44 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #69.2   elvinpixie

      Mine too, which is why I felt terrible doing that to it. The things I’ll do for humor…

      Jul 25, 2008 at 9:53 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #70   Mark bang

    Whose turds these are I think I know.
    He’s sitting on the toilet though;
    He will not see me stopping here
    To smell his deuce stink up the show.
    My little nose must think it queer
    To smell those turds while I drink beer
    Between the beans and yummy steak
    The rankest evening of the year.
    I give my hairy balls a shake
    To make sure that I stay awake.
    The only other smell’s the stench
    Of broken wind and chocolate cake.
    The toilet’s stinky, wet, and deep.
    But I have toilet seats that weep,
    Because I pee before I sleep,
    Because I pee before I sleep.

    —————————
    Meh. Not my best work, but…

    Jul 25, 2008 at 1:47 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #71   bobby

    Guess what doesn’t rhyme. Here and air.

    Jul 25, 2008 at 2:14 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #72   Mrs Marcos

    My grandparents had terrible septic problems at their cottage so they posted a sign (YEARS ago):

    “If it is brown
    Flush it down!

    If it is yellow
    Leave it mellow!”

    So awesome (especially when they reminded you)!

    Jul 25, 2008 at 11:17 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #73   EGO

    If you sprinkle, when you tinkle,
    please be neat and wipe the seat….

    Jul 28, 2008 at 5:51 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #74   Elspeth

    I can’t decide whether mandating how someone poops or writing such horrible poetry is the most offensive crime against humanity.

    Oct 2, 2008 at 8:40 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #75   Poetry Contest One: Flush That Filth « The Yellow Bicycle

    [...] An outside blog with a few silly examples: http://www.passiveaggressivenotes.com/2008/07/22/scatological-poetry-slam [...]

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  • #76   Toilet Paper Poetry Slam | PassiveAggressiveNotes.com

    [...] Scatological poetry slam Share1mail [...]

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