cue the violins

July 25th, 2008 · 209 comments

when sheena in austin spotted this note on her neighbor’s front door, she couldn’t help but wonder: “if your doormat has sentimental value, maybe it should be hanging on your wall instead of sitting on the ground?”

related: wrath mat
extra credit: sentimental value: clothing stories from ebay

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FILED UNDER: austin · ebay · excessive underlining · grow up · neighbors · stealing

209 responses so far ↓

#1 Quite Contrary

It;s a doormat.

Jul 25, 2008 at 10:33 am rating: 0

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#2 Lauren

The doormat is quite similar to the umbrella in its elusive, escapist nature; often disappearing if unattended.

Jul 25, 2008 at 10:35 am rating: +17

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- #2.1 ama
  
  (pause)
  (deliberates)
  (throws caution to the wind)
  
  ella!
  
  Jul 25, 2008 at 11:25 am rating: +10
- #2.2 snee
  
  ella!
  
  Jul 25, 2008 at 1:34 pm rating: +6
- #2.3 Shane
  
  ey, ey, ey.
  
  Jul 25, 2008 at 4:46 pm rating: +9
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#3 Mishee

I don’t think she’s talking about the Welcome mat… possibly her boyfriend?

Jul 25, 2008 at 10:36 am rating: +35

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- #3.1 amy d
  
  Stole my line, bitch.
  
  Jul 25, 2008 at 10:47 am rating: +3
- #3.2 Mishee
  
  So did #5 but I don’t see you ganging up on them!!
  
  Jul 25, 2008 at 10:50 am rating: +4
- #3.3 amy d
  
  Cause you were “first”. I only gang bang those I love. Now, bend over.
  
  Jul 25, 2008 at 11:07 am rating: +8
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#4 Red Letterboxer

Bring it back now! And step on it!

Jul 25, 2008 at 10:37 am rating: +34

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#5 Moleinthewall

Maybe “doormat” is actually an endearing term she uses for her boyfriend?

Jul 25, 2008 at 10:37 am rating: +9

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- #5.1 amazon
  
  Aww man, I wanted to make the doormat/boyfriend reference. Boo!
  
  Jul 25, 2008 at 1:19 pm rating: +1
- #5.2 Mishee
  
  Amazon, so did MoleintheWall… and amy…
  
  but alas, we know who got to it first!
  (jokes!)
  
  Jul 25, 2008 at 2:01 pm rating: +2
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#6 Dave

It’s about time it stood up for itself and stopped letting people walk all over it!
Team Doormat!

Jul 25, 2008 at 10:39 am rating: +30

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#7 Mishee

“Be A gRoWN uP”

Decide bitch!!

One or the OTHER!

Jul 25, 2008 at 10:40 am rating: +11

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- #7.1 snee
  
  she walks all over those cap rules.
  
  Jul 25, 2008 at 1:35 pm rating: +2
- #7.2 Claire
  
  Well said, Mishee! Put the choice back upon A/4!!!
  
  Jul 25, 2008 at 7:32 pm rating: +1
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#8 unholyghost2003

Sentimental doormats are always soggy with the weeping.

But really, if you loved your doormat so much why not put it on the INSIDE of the threshold? If it got stolen then at least your list of suspects would be smaller.

Jul 25, 2008 at 10:41 am rating: +15

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#9 ama

no, you be the grown up! no, you first! no, you! no!

Jul 25, 2008 at 10:47 am rating: +9

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#10 amy d

Can anyone read the name at the bottom?

I like how the holes in the margin function as bullet points.

Jul 25, 2008 at 10:48 am rating: +18

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- #10.1 ama
  
  also, whoever or whomever? we’ll never know…
  
  Jul 25, 2008 at 10:51 am rating: 0
- #10.2 Mishee
  
  I’m thinking it’s whoever it doesn’t look there the is enough room blocked out for 2 letters to fit (by the looks of her angry slashes in the paper that she calls handwriting, and the blatant disregard for Capitalization rules)…
  
  Plus, it just doesn’t seem like she’s the “type” to use “Whomever”
  
  Jul 25, 2008 at 10:54 am rating: +2
- #10.3 Weeeeeeeeeeeee
  
  I think it says “Alix”.
  
  Jul 25, 2008 at 11:03 am rating: +1
- #10.4 amy d
  
  I think you’re right, Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.
  
  Jul 25, 2008 at 11:36 am rating: +1
- #10.5 Claire
  
  I think that might be the apartment # instead of her name…they do that sometimes in Austin, particularly if one’s condo or apartment is close to UT or a large body of water. I used to have assorted neighbors about whom I knew little and certainly not their actual names because they always introduced themselves as “Hi, I over in 3B and wondered if…”
  
  Did the doormat have an identifying tattoo on his tush…maybe something like “If found, please return me to Apartment A/4 where I may continue to be treated like a doormat by my significant other?” Or perchance, just A/4 with lots of flourishes and hearts around it?
  
  I find that oddly…romantic in a very creepy way….
  
  Aha! Another reference to the boyfriend!!!
  
  Jul 25, 2008 at 7:03 pm rating: +3
- #10.6 Sarcastic Monkey
  
  Could be “Cath”?
  
  Jul 28, 2008 at 4:14 pm rating: 0
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#11 mere

ahh, doormat. i wonder if it has a picture of 3 cartoon chefs, a la “the placemat”.

Jul 25, 2008 at 10:48 am rating: +9

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#12 amy d

I stole your doormat because I blew chunks on it in a fit of drunkeness.

Still want it back?

Jul 25, 2008 at 10:50 am rating: +10

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- #12.1 Mishee
  
  Were you “regurgitating to no extent”??
  
  I thought I smelled “substance” in the hallways last night!
  
  *psst* why didn’t you share??
  
  Jul 25, 2008 at 10:52 am rating: +6
- #12.2 amy d
  
  I have some leftovers. Here.
  
  *Hands Mishee the doormat*
  
  Jul 25, 2008 at 11:08 am rating: +1
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#13 ama

did you check under the doormat?

Jul 25, 2008 at 10:55 am rating: +16

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- #13.1 secondsout
  
  Nice! Though I’m wondering if spare keys to the apartment turned up missing, too. If so, someone might steal the doorknobs with sentimental value, the coasters of sentimental value, and the decorative towels.
  
  Jul 25, 2008 at 10:58 am rating: +3
- #13.2 amy d
  
  …of sentimental value.
  
  Jul 25, 2008 at 11:09 am rating: +2
- #13.3 Mishee
  
  I think the decorative towels might actually have semenental value….
  
  Jul 25, 2008 at 11:21 am rating: +6
- #13.4 ama
  
  That’s not semen…
  
  Jul 25, 2008 at 11:29 am rating: +2
- #13.5 Mark
  
  …it’s a space station!
  
  Jul 25, 2008 at 11:33 am rating: +6
- #13.6 Claire
  
  Oh my gawd! What is next? The nicking of her sentimental patio chairs…the sentimental strawberry pot with straggly strawberries struggling to survive because A/4 cannot bear to part with sentimental water and fertilizer?
  
  I bet the doormat had puppies and kitties on it and it was the thing Fluffy urinated on last before wandering off to find a less sentimental owner….
  
  Jul 25, 2008 at 7:09 pm rating: +1
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#14 secondsout

I thought I was “welcome” to take a free doormat. My bad!

Jul 25, 2008 at 10:56 am rating: +13

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#15 secondsout

And anyway, who the fuck gives a doormat as a gift? Was it a wedding present from someone with absolutely no taste?

Jul 25, 2008 at 11:00 am rating: +6

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- #15.1 ama
  
  his mother…gave birth…on that doormat OKAY!
  
  Jul 25, 2008 at 11:03 am rating: +10
- #15.2 unholyghost2003
  
  I can see getting a doormat as a gift. I would think it would be a “congrats on your first place” type thing. Or it could be one of those fancy Grandin Road $100 doormats.
  
  Jul 25, 2008 at 11:06 am rating: +3
- #15.3 secondsout
  
  Congrats on first place in what, the Special Olympics diving event?
  
  Jul 25, 2008 at 11:09 am rating: +3
- #15.4 Timo
  
  I volunteer for Habitat for Humanity and a common house warming gift (”first place”) is a nice doormat.
  
  Jul 25, 2008 at 11:14 am rating: +2
- #15.5 amy d
  
  Oh the humanity!
  
  Jul 25, 2008 at 11:20 am rating: +2
- #15.6 Grade Ape
  
  It was a house warming gift from my dead Grandpa, I have such a high regard for it and it holds so much sentiment that I keep it outside and we all use it to wipe the scum and crud off of our shoes.
  
  Thinking of you Gramps! *wipe*wipe*wipe*
  
  Jul 25, 2008 at 11:28 am rating: +22
- #15.7 Canthz_B
  
  It’s always special when the dead give gifts!
  
  Jul 25, 2008 at 1:26 pm rating: +8
- #15.8 amazon
  
  I got a doormat as a housewarming gift. It’s too cutesy for my taste, but I have to keep it, or else the person who gave it to me might get offended. I kinda wish it would get stolen.
  
  Jul 25, 2008 at 1:33 pm rating: +5
- #15.9 Mishee
  
  amazon, that’s when you call them sobbing telling them about how you just called the cops, and whoMever took your mat will pay and start blubbering incoherently…
  
  Then you can toss it!
  
  Jul 25, 2008 at 2:44 pm rating: +4
- #15.10 RunBarbara
  
  if someone gave me a door mat as a gift, i would give them a sore eye. whatever happened to a nice gift card or fruit of the month subscription?
  
  Jul 25, 2008 at 3:35 pm rating: +4
- #15.11 Mishee
  
  Fruit of the Month. That’s what I got RB for her birthday - did you get this month’s?
  
  Neil Patrick Harris is on the cover!!
  
  Jul 25, 2008 at 3:38 pm rating: +4
- #15.12 RunBarbara
  
  got it. soiled it. cant wait for the commemorative Liberace issue.
  
  Jul 25, 2008 at 3:40 pm rating: +5
- #15.13 Claire
  
  Maybe it was the only gift she ever received from a guy for whom she had an unrequited crush. She stared meaningfully into his deep blue eyes, tyring to psychoanalyze each subtle shift in his body language. His hand brushed against her right breast as he handed her the doormat with puppies and kitties with abnormally large eyes woven into the cheap brown indoor/outdoor carpet material. He regretted the error immediately because she gave a longing sigh and closed her eyes. He walked away, embarrassed, because he had nothing more to give her for her birthday. Besides, he did not want to be standing around when elderly Mrs. Knickerbocher in A/8 discovered the doormat her grandchildren had given her with the adorable puppies and kitties on it was indeed missing.
  
  Jul 25, 2008 at 7:16 pm rating: +9
- #15.14 amazon
  
  I *heart* claire!
  
  Jul 26, 2008 at 12:55 am rating: 0
- #15.15 Claire
  
  Aaaawww…gawsh thanks, amazon! I *heart* you, too!
  
  Jul 26, 2008 at 10:58 am rating: 0
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#16 ama

i already got this note, under my windshield wiper this morning.

Jul 25, 2008 at 11:01 am rating: +1

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#17 secondsout

Let’s hope this doormat didn’t belong to Lisa from Berkeley. If so, the person is trifling and disgusting. She probably wiped btwn her legs with that doormat, which must have been really painful.

Jul 25, 2008 at 11:04 am rating: +5

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#18 Jimmy Straightline

In no case do you want to recover a doormat from a person who would steal a doormat. It’s not out on a joy ride. It’s going to show some wear and tear, and very likely smells funny by now. Sorry Ma! Or Ali. Or whatever your chicken scratch says.

Jul 25, 2008 at 11:09 am rating: +5

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#19 amy d

The theft of her doormat kicked of a chain of events that is unfathomable. Someone just stole the sentimental value from my doormat!

Jul 25, 2008 at 11:12 am rating: +6

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#20 Canthz_B

The doormat is hidden under her key.

Jul 25, 2008 at 11:22 am rating: +19

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#21 Canthz_B

The 12 year-olds that stole her doormat have to wait until after puberty to return it.

Jul 25, 2008 at 11:25 am rating: +6

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- #21.1 ama
  
  the wind that blew it away has to grow some balls.
  
  Jul 25, 2008 at 11:34 am rating: 0
- #21.2 Canthz_B
  
  Hairy, “Grown up”, chocolate, salty balls!
  
  Jul 25, 2008 at 12:05 pm rating: +1
- #21.3 Timo
  
  Pete Schweaty’s balls.
  
  Jul 25, 2008 at 3:03 pm rating: +2
- #21.4 Mishee
  
  You did it, Nibbles. Now, chew through my ball sack.
  
  Jul 25, 2008 at 3:10 pm rating: +2
- #21.5 Burghardt
  
  Timo! You rule with the SNL ref. I love that skit, but don’t forget the salty nuts!
  
  Jul 26, 2008 at 4:07 pm rating: 0
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#22 Canthz_B

I notice she says “doormat” not “Welcome” mat.
It was probably one of those Lillian Vernon catalog novelty mats that read “Don’t Tread On Me”.

Jul 25, 2008 at 11:31 am rating: +6

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- #22.1 Mishee
  
  or, “Go Away!”
  
  (sorry, had to do it… be nice Heisa!)
  
  Jul 25, 2008 at 11:40 am rating: 0
- #22.2 WhyAren'tUDeadYet
  
  You know, the “SUBMIT” button is not a carriage return. 3 posts in under 10 minutes. Way to get those thoughts in order before you post them.
  
  ….type type (ding) POST type type type type (ding) POST type type type…
  
  And none of it worth reading. Simply astounding.
  
  Just because I know it won’t be figured out any other way, I’ll spoil your fun and tell you I was referring to post 22, not 22 The Younger. Not that it really matters….
  
  Jul 26, 2008 at 12:49 am rating: 0
- #22.3 Claire
  
  CB, you always write the right thing, no matter how blistering the truth can be!! LOL! Maybe she can order ANOTHER doormat from our friends at the Lillian Vernon Catalogue Company…perhaps one that says “I am a lonely, needy person who only communicates with others when they choose to take my treasured possessions from me.” OR “The only way to truly break a person who has lost everything is to give back something that has been broken.” (Old folk saying….classical PAN for the doorstep!)
  
  Jul 26, 2008 at 11:03 am rating: +1
- #22.4 Canthz_B
  
  Thanks for caring, WAUDY.
  
  Jul 26, 2008 at 11:18 am rating: +1
- #22.5 Mishee
  
  Since when the hell am I “22 The Younger”??
  
  I have a name you know, and it sure isn’t Pliny!!
  
  Jul 28, 2008 at 1:40 pm rating: 0
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#23 Timo

If by “doormat” you meant flaming bad of shit here you go.

Jul 25, 2008 at 11:34 am rating: +5

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#24 Timo

Dang! ^bag

painfully polite and hilariously hostile writings from shared spaces the world over

cue the violins

July 25th, 2008 · 209 comments

209 responses so far ↓