in terms of the appropriate sympathetic nervous system response, an e-mail subject line like “big favor” is kinda the modern cubicle-dweller’s equivalent of “saber-tooth tiger outside cave!”
(note: this e-mail, our seattle-area submitter says, is from the very same person who brought us this.)
related: perhaps it’s time for a little group therapy?
196 responses so far ↓
#1
ellemarie
clearly you have an inferior gag reflex. or whatever that it is.
Jul 28, 2008 at 10:38 pm rating: +7
#2
se
sorry, I don’t wipe very well.
Jul 28, 2008 at 10:39 pm rating: +9
#3
Miss Unloop
Somebody brought in some fresh baked cookies, and I darn near puked!
Jul 28, 2008 at 10:39 pm rating: +6
#4
anglophile
If she thinks the perfume is nauseating, wait ’til she smells what it’s covering up!
Jul 28, 2008 at 10:43 pm rating: +37
#5
Canthz_B
I though that was just how the Southside smelled in every town.
Jul 28, 2008 at 10:45 pm rating: +7
#6
snee
dear fragrance hater,
we on the south side of the office would tremendously Appreciate it if you stopped with the crazy random line breaks in your PA email. thank you so much. we were going to ask you since the last time you PA emailed but we cannot stand it anymore.
thank you,
SSO
Jul 28, 2008 at 10:47 pm rating: +21
#7
Canthz_B
Go tell it on the mountain:
I smell it on the south side,
I smell it on the south side,
I smell it on the south side,
Something in here seems dead!
Jul 28, 2008 at 10:48 pm rating: +7
#8
Wade
to the North side of the office:
If you are puking or vomiting or whatever it is – I had to apply extra cologne to mask the stench – I will tremendously
Appreciate if you minimize blowing chunks. Thank you so much
Jul 28, 2008 at 10:50 pm rating: +44
#9
snee
that’s the last time i buy perfume on ebay…from whiteblizzard70.
Jul 28, 2008 at 10:50 pm rating: +43
#10
Canthz_B
Thanks for the e-mail.
I wear this much cologne to escape from your BO. Can you please take regular showers? You’re like walking Mace!
I was going to ask you since last week but I cannot stand it anymore.
Jul 28, 2008 at 10:57 pm rating: +10
#11
aaa
Dear Ms. McGagsalot,
If you are vomiting at every passing smell or whatever it is, please purchase a pregnancy test. We were going to tell you that you were starting to look a bit chunky since last week but we cannot stand your excess fat or your vomiting anymore. Thank you, the South side of the office
Jul 28, 2008 at 10:59 pm rating: +16
#12
class-factotum
I am sympathetic to the writer. How do you get someone who wears a lot of nasty perfume to stop? Perhaps there is a more tactful way to word this note, but honestly — I have noticed that the people who wear the strongest perfumes tend to have the worst taste.
Jul 28, 2008 at 11:05 pm rating: +8
#13
fink
Big favor? Is that some type of Big Job? Maybe that’s where the smell’s coming from…
Jul 28, 2008 at 11:05 pm rating: +2
#14
Troy McClure
It makes you act strange, you confessed
The fault lies with you, not the rest
If you have to vomit
A Muscle Milk™ comet
Cut down on that drink, I suggest
Jul 28, 2008 at 11:07 pm rating: +20
#15
ellemarie
Though the email is too far and I’d never resort to such measures, the subject of her complaint is one of my pet peeves. If you must wear THAT much perfume to feel good about yourself, just stay home please.
[pretend that I did the right thing and posted this as a reply to #12]
Jul 28, 2008 at 11:13 pm rating: +7
#16
zombieBlanco
Perhaps vomiting emailer should open a window and stick to their side of the Mason-Dixon line.
Jul 28, 2008 at 11:18 pm rating: +2
#17
Miss Unloop
I think the fragrance is called Emesis by Bleau Chunx, available at all fine department stores.
Jul 28, 2008 at 11:20 pm rating: +27
#18
Canthz_B
Listen, Bitch! We’re having Mongolian barbecue pot-luck week over on the South side of the office whether you puke your guts out or not!!
Did we cry when you had Haggis-Fest on the North side? NO!!
Jul 28, 2008 at 11:24 pm rating: +12
#19
snee
smell, smell me do,
you know i smell you!
i never will puke,
so pleee-eee-eee-ease…
smell me do-oo!
oh, oh, oh, smell me do!
Jul 28, 2008 at 11:25 pm rating: +11
#20
Miss Unloop
Rene Hall your perfume or cologne is killing Anthony Grosso
Thank you Terry
Jul 28, 2008 at 11:31 pm rating: +10
#21
http://death-sentences.blogspot.com/
Why is there this underlying presumption that this person is wearing cologne to somehow get others sick? As if they\’re trying to be offensive. People are nuts.
deathbabydeath@gmail.com
Jul 28, 2008 at 11:34 pm rating: 0
#22
Sue Do Nim
To the North side of the office
If you have to vomit, I will enormously
Appreciate if you maximize asking Casey in HR
for plastic bags for the Big Jobs.
I was going to tell you since the Mongolian BBQ but I cannot find my hat.
THX
Sandra
Jul 28, 2008 at 11:36 pm rating: +9
#23
snee
oh the smells you can smell,
if only you try,
you can smell some ice-cream
and a big piece of pie!
you can smell some perfume,
on the office south side,
you can puke up a little,
and send an email that’s snide!
you can smell the north side,
with its vomitous mess,
you can smell all the chunks,
some big and some less!
you can smell a rhinoceros,
you can smell its ass-end,
you can put THAT in an email,
and then P.A.’ly press send!
oh, the smells you can smell,
if only you try!
Jul 28, 2008 at 11:40 pm rating: +13
#24
Canthz_B
Hey, Amber…
Yes Megan?
I just figured out how to take Gretchen’s job.
You mean “Retchin’ Gretchen”?!
Yeah. I’m going to wear doe urine as a perfume and gag her out of the office.
You’re a genius, Megan!
Jul 28, 2008 at 11:45 pm rating: +12
#25
Canthz_B
Somewhere in Seattle 16 women on the South side of an office are asking each other whose perfume is more repulsive.
One is singled out…
It’s not the scent, dear. It’s the way you slather it on so!
I do not slather! Just because I’m beautiful, you all believe that I think it’s all about me! Haters!! (cue dramatic tearful exit)
Jul 29, 2008 at 12:09 am rating: +9
#26
John in IL
Loving the minimizing…not “use less” or “don’t bathe in the shit”; just “minimize”. That’s all I want. Really.
Jul 29, 2008 at 12:12 am rating: +4
#27
Flippy
That vomit was fucking delicious.
Jul 29, 2008 at 12:58 am rating: 0
#28
Martin Heidegger
Dubious intelligence certainly seems to be a hallmark of passive aggressive notes, and this specimen is a fine example.
I mean, if you’re going to be a bitch, why not at least be an *anonymous* bitch? Sending out an email with one’s name on it is like screaming “Kick me! Please kick me!” in junior high school.
It doesn’t matter how bad the alleged offenders smell… what stinks more is a shitty attitude.
Jul 29, 2008 at 1:28 am rating: +8
#29
ellemarie
The note-writer should visit PAN every now and then… I know my stomach sure is a lot stronger since I started reading these!
Jul 29, 2008 at 2:36 am rating: +6
#30
Ashley
Ahhh hahahaha. We had one of these people in my old office. This girl would SOAK herself in perfume before work. A lot of us got migraines from it. Someone finally went to HR about it and we got an e-mail out saying nobody was aloud to wear perfume or cologne in our office. Maybe they should just shower instead?
Jul 29, 2008 at 3:04 am rating: +2
#31
bean
To the North side of the office,
If you are puking your milk or whatever that it is-I had to use my perfume to cover the smells.
it would be very muchly
Appreciated you would be sure to flush twice after vomiting, and that this would be done with the lid down. Please
Flush once more times.
I wanted to tell you since lunch time but cannot stand it anymore. Thank you
Jul 29, 2008 at 3:28 am rating: +6
#32
Claire
What are we all doing up so late? We may have to drag ourselves to work, drenched in cheap perfume and colognes…
Jul 29, 2008 at 4:40 am rating: +1
#33
buttercup78
I can’t believe that the writer can’t even distinguish whether the scent is perfume or cologne. Assuming that more than one of the south side workers probably wears some type of scent, how are they supposed to know whether or not it’s them if Mr. Vomit can’t even give them a clue besides the fact that they work on the south side?
Maybe they all wear perfume and cologne and it’s the collective stench that is so sickening?
Jul 29, 2008 at 4:56 am rating: 0
#34
cha0s
it’s weed smoke. deal with it.
Jul 29, 2008 at 5:10 am rating: +5
#35
Aly
I know people will make fun of me, but I felt like that the first few months of my pregnancy. The worst was when a woman decided to test the perfume samples in a magazine in my doctor’s office. I wanted to yell at her for being rude and ask the receptionists why they would allow it. Instead, I just went outside.
That being said, the emailer is obviously just stupid.
Jul 29, 2008 at 6:41 am rating: 0
#36
Holiday Djinn
God you know the sender is probably a real pain in the ass. Just look at the time stamp on the email 9:38 AM. You know the person just got to work, smelled the offending smell, had just enough time to vomit and get all worked up about it.
Seriously people!
Yes, people wearing too much cologne or perfume is really bad, but like another poster pointed out; Usually the smell of the cologne is better than what they are trying to cover up.
I would love to drop this person off in the middle of a Turkish Bazaar and really watch the puke fly.
Jul 29, 2008 at 7:41 am rating: +1
#37
Mishee
Personally I don’t vomit tremendously….
I like to regurgitate to no extent.
Jul 29, 2008 at 8:16 am rating: +5
#38
B Rad
The Southside shall rise again!
Jul 29, 2008 at 8:34 am rating: +1
#39
agirlie
Dear puker,
The feminine trash receptacles in the bathroom are being monitored, please stop leaving your vomit in them. We are tired of calling the bio-hazard squad every time someone is wearing a little too much aftershave.
THX
Jul 29, 2008 at 8:41 am rating: +1
#40
GhostWriter
Remember the movie, “Michael” about the archangel who smelled like baked cookies to women? Well, obviously a high-level demon has taken up residence in the office southside again.
I wish those boys in Accounting would stop playing Dungeons & Dragons…
Jul 29, 2008 at 9:43 am rating: +6
#41
fla boy
The motto of the south side offender is:
“Some days I bathes. Some days I just sprays.”
Jul 29, 2008 at 10:30 am rating: +4
#42
Sarjo
*looks around shyly*
Hello? De-lurker here. Hello?
“Bad, Bad Leroy Brown”
Well the South side of the office
Is the stinkiest part of town
And if you go down there
You better just beware
Of people wearing a perfume or cologne or whatever that is
Now that perfume more than trouble
You see it waft straight cross the floor
The North side lady gotta run to the toilet
And vomit on all the decor
And its bad, bad perfume or cologne or whatever that is
The baddest smell in the whole damn metropolis
Smells badder than old king kong
And meaner than a junkyard dog
Now North side lady she a grumbler
And she like her muscle milk
And if you don’t know what that may be
You gonna act strange plus sterility
She got a war on with the South side
She got a reflux reflex too
She got a handy barf bag in her pocket for fun
She got chunks right on her shoe
And its bad, bad perfume or cologne or whatever that is
The baddest smell in the whole damn metropolis
Smells badder than old king kong
And meaner than a junkyard dog
Jul 29, 2008 at 10:30 am rating: +11
#43
GhostWriter
“Justin, have you read Merv’s latest crazy note? He says he puked from some smell coming from the south side of the office.”
*chuckle* “Oh My God, Drew, it worked! I swapped out Merv’s Muscle Milk for Nasal Milk! I knew it’d screw him up…”
“‘Nasal Milk’? What the heck is that?”
“You can get it at GNC- it’s like Muscle Milk, but instead of muscles, it acts like steroids for your nose. You know how Merv always hangs out by the water fountain after he does his noontime calisthenics? I plugged in a Glade air freshener right under the fountain!”
“That is hilarious! What’s next?”
“Tomorrow I swap it out for Mamma’s Milk. It’s supposed to improve lactation. There’s a definite possibility that he may grow titties from it.”
“Huzzah!”
Jul 29, 2008 at 10:39 am rating: +8
#44
claw71
I hate mass emails. The only people who should be sending mass emails are managers and even then there should be some sort fo mechanism in place to ensure it is a productive email worthy of everybody’s time. I could work a 30 hour week if I didn’t have to read and process mass emails. I don’t want to adopt a kitty, I don’t care if you’re throwing a baby shower for that slut Clara in accounting (seriously, who’s the daddy this time?) and if you don’t stop spamming me with Jesus I’m going to pee in your Dilbert mug.
Because the idiot who sent this message is a repeat offender I can safely assume that this is a poorly run division of a large company. I’d like to know which company this is because I have a sneaking suspicion they are going to be paring their workforce in the near future.
Nobody likes too much perfume but if you have to choose sides you’ve got to align yourself against the mass-emailer who lacks the guts to direct this message to the offending party.
Hey Mabel: Damn girl, did they have a BOGO special on that Designer Imposter perfume as Walgreen’s again? I know you like Vanderbilt but I love breathing. Do you suppose you could keep it to a light mist for the work day? I know you think you’re covering the smell of your farts but the alcohol in that perfume is bonding with the noxious gasses in your ass and it smells like somebody took a shit on gardenias in here. Damn, bitch, damn!
Jul 29, 2008 at 11:04 am rating: +12
#45
M'lyn
I was going to ask you since last week but I’m an idiot.
Jul 29, 2008 at 11:52 am rating: +1
#46
aaa
If the South side really wanted to be passive aggressive (i.e. evil), they could just hide something horrifyingly grotesque smelling in her drawer. Many organic compounds smell absolutely terrible and tend to hang around, thus making them the perfect stink source. I suggest hiding a rag soaked in one of the following compounds:
- methyl mercaptan (feces)
- butyl mercaptan (skunk)
- butyric acid (parmesan cheese, vomit, rancid butter, BO)
- 3-methylindole (feces)
- n-pentene (They just smell terrible.)
- n-hexanal (fish)
- and, of course putrescine (dead bodies, bad breath, and semen)
- and cadaverine (dead bodies)
Many of these substances are highly flammable, so don’t play with matches near them.
Legal: It’s not anyone else’s fault but your own if you decide to do this and then end up catching your head on fire or make somebody puke to death. I don’t have the money to deal with a lawsuit, anyway.
Jul 29, 2008 at 12:01 pm rating: +2
#47
Lurker
The email is poorly worded, but Team Perfume Reduction all the way. Honestly, no BO could smell as bad as too much perfume. Although usually it produces migraines rather than just simple vomiting.
Nan’s perfume engulfs the room
And leaks into the hall;
As eyeballs burn, it kills the ferns
And stains the bathroom walls.
It swells in clouds, dispersing crowds
And setting off alarms.
A couple drops can kill the crops
On all the neighb’ring farms.
It’s piped into the downstairs loo,
And comes out in the shower;
Her sense of smell is shot to hell,
So she stays in there for hours.
It stinks like Death, and morning breath,
And cobras’ poison sacs,
And rotting cods – the HazMat squads
Were halted in their tracks.
So hold your nose and wear old clothes,
I warn you with a cough,
And don’t shake hands with dear old Nan:
It never washes off!
Jul 29, 2008 at 12:28 pm rating: +8
#48
timo
why can I visit here but not there? Life is unfair…
Jul 29, 2008 at 1:09 pm rating: 0
#49
Sandra
FOR CONCERNS ABOUT THE SCENT WAFTING FROM THE MONGOLIAN POTLUCK, PLEASE SEE CASEY IN HUMAN RESOURCES.
THX,
SANDRA
Jul 29, 2008 at 2:30 pm rating: 0
#50
clickums
I almost CRIED when reading this. I’m trapped working next to a lady that smells like cat urine and hot garbage. She used to lather herself in this flowery lotion….that would immediately dry up my contacts and cause me to sneeze. Powerful stuff. Once she saw my distress she stopped using it – NOW SHE ‘S JUST RANK. Dear lord – bring back the lotion! PLEASE BRING IT BACK!
Jul 29, 2008 at 4:18 pm rating: +7
#51
eureeka
Is this emailer a time traveler? “I was going to ask you last week but I can’t stand it anymore!” What does that even mean?
Jul 29, 2008 at 4:35 pm rating: +1
#52
nacey
See… I can figure a lot of people here have never had perfume sensitivity. I get migraines and I have perfume sensitivity and believe me – it really isn’t fun. You don’t realise how much humans slather themselves in the stinky-poo until you develop a sensitivity to it that gives you nausea at least, and painful throbbing headaches at the worst. So I have a lot of sympathy for this poor woman. Obviously she wasn’t thinking too clearly when she fired off this letter.
That SAID, I don’t think this letter was the wisest of ideas. Having a quiet word to management probably would have been the better choice. Or if one *must* fire off a letter, explaining gently about one’s horrible health affliction might induce far more sympathy than “I PUKED, YOU BASTARD, THANKS A LOT!” (Even though I *know* how angry and frustrated one can get when being assaulted by a smell you patently didn’t ask for – I think the reaction is in the mammalian brain linked to the “I OWN THIS SPACE” reaction).
Sorry. I said the srs bzns.
Jul 29, 2008 at 4:37 pm rating: +1
#53
Tuesday
Yo South Side!
If you don’t stop wearing your nasty-ass perfume, I’m going to set the building on fire.
Don’t even THINK about taking my stapler.
Jul 29, 2008 at 4:58 pm rating: +2
#54
NorthSide
I was going to write this since last night but finally couldn’t take it any more.
I would
Appreciate it if you could minimize your
comment tremendously.
Jul 29, 2008 at 9:04 pm rating: +1
#55
morpho aurora
i’m allergic to most perfumes too, but i don’t expect anyone to stop using it. if i can’t avoid someone who reeks of vanilla nightmusk, i take a couple of benadryl. my allergies are my problem, i’m the only one responsible for dealing with them. IMO, anyone who thinks others should change to accommodate their whims is an idiot and shouldn’t be allowed in public.
Jul 29, 2008 at 10:24 pm rating: +6
#56
Quite Contrary
The solution is so simple.
“Reply All” with any of the above retorts. Should solve said employee’s vomiting immediately.
Jul 29, 2008 at 11:00 pm rating: 0
#57
Ryan
Why would you bother telling every soul in the building that you are extemely sensitive to smells? (Or for that matter, that you vomited?)
Nasty Passsive-Aggressive People such as this are bound to have made numerous enemies in a small work environment and this is more than enough ammunition to wage a war of smells in this fool’s workspace!
- signed Colonel Cologne and his band of Stinkers
Jul 30, 2008 at 11:42 am rating: 0
#58
itmustbeken
I am ashamed to admit it, but when people do things like this…it becomes my life’s mission to torment them.
I would put dog poop under her chair.
The womans restroom would get a can of Glade a day.
I’d bring in birds nest soup and put it in the microwave for hours.
The list is endless and I would be powerless to stop myself.
Jul 30, 2008 at 12:24 pm rating: +4
#59
Lurker
Morpho Aurora – if you can work after taking a couple of Benadryl, then more power to you, because you have the metabolism of a hummingbird.
Also, antihistamines don’t work for every allergy, and they certainly don;t work at all for sensitivity, which isn’t the same thing.
Expecting other people to turn themselves into drugged zombies because you happen to fancy the smell of Emeraude is the definition of “thinking others should change to accommodate their whims.” Being healthyisn’t a whim; smelling like fake vanilla is.
Jul 30, 2008 at 2:16 pm rating: 0
#60
Lurker
Ah, well, that’s the kind of mistakes that happen when you have to take sleeping pills to come into the office.
Jul 30, 2008 at 3:35 pm rating: 0
#61
Mishee Smash
You will comply.
Jul 30, 2008 at 3:56 pm rating: 0
#62
Brian Fantana
It’s called Sex Panther by Odeon. It’s illegal in nine countries… Yep, it’s made with bits of real panther, so you know it’s good. They’ve done studies, you know. 60% of the time, it works, every time. So no, I’m not gonna stop wearing it.
Aug 5, 2008 at 4:57 pm rating: 0
#63 let’s not mince words
[...] related: fight or flight [...]
Oct 12, 2008 at 8:37 pm rating: 0
#64 the classic all-staff e-mail
[...] related: fight or flight [...]
Feb 5, 2009 at 1:58 pm rating: 0
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