bleak house

July 31st, 2008 · 215 comments

“a few years back i was living in a halfway house in canberra where theft from the communal kitchen was a common problem,” writes alex in australia. “one morning we woke to discover that the fridge had gone missing.” (the coffee in question was stolen from a cupboard, but apparently the owner thought removing the fridge was the best form of attack.)

Cuppa Jo Or Fridge No Mo

the fridge incident went unresolved for many months, alex says, because none of the residents could be bothered to move it back inside…and nobody had $3 to spare. in fact, he says, no one ever seemed all too concerned about the whole thing, explaining, “because we spent most of our money on vice, we had no food to put in the fridge anyway.”

eventually (long after alex moved out) the fridge was declared a traffic hazard, and a charity took it away.

related: um, rene hall?

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FILED UNDER: CAPS LOCK · actions speak louder · australia · canberra · fridge · money · questionable logic · roommates · stealing · you call that punctuation?



215 responses so far ↓

  • #1   Katrina

    I’m guessing the coffee WAS NOT decaf…

    Jul 31, 2008 at 7:40 pm   rating: +33  

    • #1.1   Fla Boy

      Got milk?

      Jul 31, 2008 at 10:38 pm   rating: +2  

       
     
  • #2   catherine

    a) what kind of coffee only costs three dollars?
    b) It’s totally douchey but kind of admirable, just for the sheer amount of effort involved in moving that fridge and writing the note.
    c) I would really like to hear the thought process behind this.

    Jul 31, 2008 at 7:48 pm   rating: +9  

    • #2.1   Uh Huh

      I don’t think that exceptional coping and reasoning skills are what land most people in a halfway house.

      Aug 1, 2008 at 8:52 am   rating: +8  

       
    • #2.2   agirlie

      yeah, that’s kinda what I was thinking. Can anyone say mental illness?

      Aug 1, 2008 at 5:11 pm   rating: 0  

       
     
  • #3   j

    that coffee was delicious.

    Jul 31, 2008 at 8:01 pm   rating: 0  

    • #3.1   snee

      or rather: that coffee was FUCKING DELICIOUS TO THE LAST DROP!

      c’mon. no guts, no glory.

      (okay, now where did i put that unitard?)

      Aug 1, 2008 at 2:00 am   rating: +10  

       
     
  • #4   Canthz_B

    “Charity” is a lovely young lady that lives down the lane and gives up he coochie for free, hence we call her “Charity”. We now keep our beer at her place.

    Jul 31, 2008 at 8:14 pm   rating: +13  

    • #4.1   Canthz_B

      That’s “the coochie”

      Jul 31, 2008 at 8:26 pm   rating: +2  

       
    • #4.2   Mandroid

      her coochie would have fit just as well and would’ve worked twice as well.

      Aug 1, 2008 at 2:00 am   rating: +2  

       
    • #4.3   Uh Huh

      But I totally wanted to spend the morning figuring our what a HE coochie was. :-( fail.

      Aug 1, 2008 at 8:55 am   rating: +3  

       
    • #4.4   Kev Orng

      @Uh Huh. Like Manboobs, only lower. And probably drier.

      That would be my guess.

      Aug 1, 2008 at 9:02 am   rating: +10  

       
    • #4.5   Timo

      Moobs and Penoochie!

      Aug 1, 2008 at 10:13 am   rating: +3  

       
    • #4.6   Kev Orng

      Well, it is a penal colony

      Aug 1, 2008 at 11:23 am   rating: +4  

       
    • #4.7   Canthz_B

      Mandroid, when you tell a joke use whatever words you like best.
      Where I’m from we say “the coochie” when referring to giving it up. I would have used “her coochie” if I were describing it.
      As in: “My date with Mary went well last night. I was going to get the coochie, but her coochie has a yeast infection.”
      Thanks for caring. :-)

      Aug 1, 2008 at 3:43 pm   rating: +3  

       
     
  • #5   amy d

    Wow. That’s a serious coffee drinker.

    Jul 31, 2008 at 8:20 pm   rating: +5  

    • #5.1   ama

      wait til he hears his neighborhood Starbucks is closing.

      *shudders at imminent wreckage*

      Aug 1, 2008 at 2:36 pm   rating: +9  

       
     
  • #6   Wade

    Wait. Doesn’t that sign say, “STEAL MY COFFEE!!” ?

    What’s the problem, then?

    Jul 31, 2008 at 8:21 pm   rating: +11  

    • #6.1   ama

      Steal my coffee… … … … NOTTTTT.

      Aug 1, 2008 at 7:28 am   rating: +3  

       
    • #6.2   RandyinReno

      …!!
      no more

      Aug 1, 2008 at 2:19 pm   rating: 0  

       
     
  • #7   Resident Grammarian esq

    i) Doesn’t the culprit use the fridge as well?
    ii) What would they have to steal for him to take himself outside?

    Jul 31, 2008 at 8:26 pm   rating: +2  

     
  • #8   Canthz_B

    Juan Valdez and his legendary Latin temper strike again!

    Jul 31, 2008 at 8:27 pm   rating: +20  

    • #8.1   Timo

      Juan’s next act of terror would redefine “Donkey show”.

      Aug 1, 2008 at 10:15 am   rating: +5  

       
     
  • #9   the coffee

    “. . . I only ask to be free. The butterflies are free. Mankind will surely not deny to the coffee what it concedes to the butterflies.”

    Jul 31, 2008 at 8:30 pm   rating: +5  

     
  • #10   Canthz_B

    You just wouldn’t think that someone who would go with the word “compensated” would react this way, would you?
    Behold he power of caffeine!

    Jul 31, 2008 at 8:33 pm   rating: +1  

    • #10.1   zombieBlanco

      That’s “the power”.

      :wink:

      Jul 31, 2008 at 8:46 pm   rating: +6  

       
    • #10.2   Canthz_B

      Damned if I didn’t do it again. I have gentle fingers! ;-)

      Jul 31, 2008 at 8:54 pm   rating: +1  

       
    • #10.3   trite

      I bet you say that to all the girls.

      Aug 1, 2008 at 8:55 am   rating: +5  

       
    • #10.4   Red Letterboxer

      He had A LOT to say. That’s why he didn’t just use the colorful ABC kitchen magnets. Never mind the exclamation points and underlining. There’s only so much you can do with those little things.

      Aug 1, 2008 at 2:42 pm   rating: +3  

       
    • #10.5   ama

      i’ve never seen an ABC magnet dollar sign. but, kids should be worried about things like money…and the economies.

      Aug 1, 2008 at 2:47 pm   rating: 0  

       
     
  • #11   Canthz_B

    Are all halfway houses in Canberra hide-outs for villains from the original Batman TV series?

    Jul 31, 2008 at 8:39 pm   rating: +8  

    • #11.1   aaa

      If you look really hard, you can see Cesar Romero in the window putting more white makeup over his mustache.

      Jul 31, 2008 at 9:13 pm   rating: +2  

       
    • #11.2   Kev Orng

      No, because then it would say “Who’s the Joker who stole my coffee?”

      On the other hand, this dude probably had a couple of masked henchmen to help move this fridge outside.

      Aug 1, 2008 at 8:51 am   rating: +5  

       
    • #11.3   Timo

      OH no it is the work of the Kelvinator!
      Quick Robin to the Batmobile.

      *ZAP!* POW!* OOF!*

      Aug 1, 2008 at 10:17 am   rating: +4  

       
    • #11.4   anglophile

      Holy Café au Lait, Batman!

      Aug 1, 2008 at 2:42 pm   rating: +4  

       
    • #11.5   Timo

      “Alfred having had enough of Batman’s condescension and Robin short sheeting his bed tossed the Batcomputer in the road and ran off with Race Bannon.”

      Aug 1, 2008 at 7:52 pm   rating: +1  

       
    • #11.6   Canthz_B

      That was okay, but Race shouldn’t have taken Bandit!

      Aug 1, 2008 at 8:01 pm   rating: +1  

       
    • #11.7   Timo

      There was a bond between Bandit and Race that even Benton didn’t understand. Besides hadji was eyeing Bandit in a way that spelled trouble.

      Aug 1, 2008 at 8:23 pm   rating: +1  

       
    • #11.8   Canthz_B

      Spelled trouble and smelled of curry.

      Aug 1, 2008 at 10:17 pm   rating: 0  

       
     
  • #12   se

    damned refrigerator probably didn’t work anyway

    Jul 31, 2008 at 9:00 pm   rating: 0  

     
  • #13   aaa

    A few questions:

    How the hell did they get the fridge out of the house by themself? Although it would make more sense if they were in a PCP rage at the time…

    Why the hell did it take months for the fridge to be declared a traffic hazard? Maybe it’s just an Australia thing, but in suburban US (can’t vouch for other areas in the US), somebody would’ve bitched and the fridge would’ve been gone the same day. Maybe the next day if somebody was lazy.

    What the hell does the fridge have to do with coffee? Unless they keep it in the fridge, then in that case, why not just remove the coffee? Seems like that would’ve saved a lot of effort. (Although that certainly doesn’t have the same shock value as a fridge in the street with PA-ness Sharpied on the side.)

    What the hell kind of coffee costs $3? Even $3 Australian? It seems that they’re probably better off without.

    And it seems that all of my questions can be answered with “They were living at a halfway house and were caught in the grip of their vices.” :/

    Jul 31, 2008 at 9:08 pm   rating: +6  

    • #13.1   meagz

      It’s Canberra. It took them 4 years to build a main road, and even then they only built half of it.

      Aug 1, 2008 at 4:18 am   rating: +3  

       
    • #13.2   trite

      Where I live, that fridge wouldn’t have lasted 48 hours. Random appliance in street/driveway/yard = FREE.

      Aug 1, 2008 at 8:58 am   rating: +3  

       
    • #13.3   park rose

      To 13.1, that’s nothing. Took sixty years before a permanent parliament house was built and ready for use.
      :D

      Aug 1, 2008 at 9:13 am   rating: +4  

       
    • #13.4   aaa

      Well meagz, I guess this is one good reason for the US to be an overall entitled-ass place. Although being entitled only gets shit done if the other party wants to cooperate. There’s one stretch of interstate not too far from me that’s been under construction for over a year with no apparent progress and is really fucking dangerous since the lanes are now really narrow, the signs for the exits are placed so you don’t see them until right when you need to exit, and there’s no room for merging when you get off the onramps. There’s no way that people don’t complain about it all the time.

      BTW meagz, the stuff in your Etsy store is really fucking cute.

      Aug 1, 2008 at 9:01 pm   rating: 0  

       
     
  • #14   secondsout

    Halfway house, eh? Was she transitioning out of jail for, say, violent crimes? Anger management issues? Just a guess.

    Jul 31, 2008 at 9:14 pm   rating: +3  

     
  • #15   Josie

    I bought a new fridge a couple years ago. I had to pay the company $40 in advance to take my old fridge away! I should’ve hired this guy! He’ll do it for $3.00 or a can of coffee.

    Jul 31, 2008 at 9:15 pm   rating: +17  

     
  • #16   secondsout

    So they spent their money on vice… OK… Wouldn’t you want to keep your booze chilled? Or does it not last long enough to worry about?

    Jul 31, 2008 at 9:16 pm   rating: +1  

    • #16.1   Uh Huh

      I just couldn’t see some guy in a halfway house not drinking a beer because it was warm. Oh my goodness, it just wrecks the malty flavor!. Not so much.

      Aug 1, 2008 at 9:00 am   rating: +6  

       
    • #16.2   Canberra is Awesome

      Booze is not a vice in Australia. It is a dietary staple.

      Aug 6, 2008 at 3:42 am   rating: +1  

       
     
  • #17   Grade Ape

    “One morning we woke to discover that the fridge had gone missing.”

    I have a great mental video playing in my head: the culprit lying in bed… faking that he’s asleep… easing out of the room then down the hall… tip-toeing into the kitchen… wrapping rags around the furniture dolly (to dampen the noise)… carefully working the fridge out of the door…

    Come on! Nobody woke up? Last time I moved a fridge by myself the entire neighborhood complained about the swearing!

    Jul 31, 2008 at 9:16 pm   rating: +7  

    • #17.1   Canthz_B

      Levitation is a good thing!

      Jul 31, 2008 at 9:39 pm   rating: +8  

       
    • #17.2   Jess

      Ahh, but think about it for a moment:
      It was probably Saturday night, because the fridge is dated Sunday, and since they spent all their money on vice anyway, they were probably passed out in alcoholic stupor!

      Aug 1, 2008 at 10:13 am   rating: 0  

       
     
  • #18   secondsout

    If the feeming coffee fanatic knows who the coffee thief is, why not something a little more direct? Like a knife to the person’s throat in the middle of the night.

    Jul 31, 2008 at 9:18 pm   rating: +5  

     
  • #19   Kymbos

    Hmm, is this technically passive aggressive? It seems pretty ‘active’ agressive, if you know what I mean. If I’d stolen this guy’s coffee, I’d be worried that he’d come at me in the night.

    Jul 31, 2008 at 9:21 pm   rating: +5  

    • #19.1   Canthz_B

      That’s what makes it passive aggressive. The scrawled message saying “I know who you are” is made the lie because if he knew he would not have dragged the fridge outside. He would have dragged the coffee thief.

      Jul 31, 2008 at 9:43 pm   rating: +4  

       
    • #19.2   trite

      Did anyone check to see if the coffee thief had been stuffed IN the fridge?

      Aug 1, 2008 at 8:59 am   rating: +16  

       
    • #19.3   octavius

      He says “U know who you are”. Usually this is a statement of the obvious, though perhaps not in the context of a half way house.

      Aug 1, 2008 at 6:42 pm   rating: +1  

       
     
  • #20   ama

    no coffee until you pay me….one billion dollars!!! mwahaha. mwahahahaha.

    Jul 31, 2008 at 9:30 pm   rating: +9  

     
  • #21   ama

    damn. i knew i should have caught that refrigerator when it was running.

    Jul 31, 2008 at 9:33 pm   rating: +24  

    • #21.1   Shane

      *ring “Hello”

      “…hehehehe, is your refrigerator running….?”

      “Well, no. It’s actually outside in the street, waiting on someone to replenish the coffee”.

      “huh?” *click

      Aug 1, 2008 at 11:42 am   rating: +8  

       
     
  • #22   James from Melbourne