an anonymous submitter in ann arbor, michigan received this e-mail from a guy who just moved into her co-op (”basically a co-ed frat house”) for the rest of the summer. “we’ve tried to reason with him,” she says, to no avail. “when asked why he has to get up so early, he says, ‘i have important things to do in the morning,’ and that’s it.”
the even bigger mystery? wonders our submitter: “why, if he needs complete silence at night, did he move in with 16 other college kids on summer break?”
related: there will come soft pains
180 responses so far ↓
#1
Louisa
Damn, I hate rolling around in a drunken stopper.
Aug 3, 2008 at 2:13 am rating: +4
#2
park rose
We tried to send that drunken stopper to A.A. but it told us to put a cork in it…
Aug 3, 2008 at 2:13 am rating: +46
#3
Quite Contrary
He should have been more direct and asked them to stop breathing.
Aug 3, 2008 at 2:15 am rating: +28
#4
park rose
It’s all that damn ECT that’s making us skip like that, see…
Aug 3, 2008 at 2:15 am rating: +3
#5
Crash
I’ll go to an AAA meeting when I have habitual car problems.
Till then…Bottoms UP !
Aug 3, 2008 at 2:22 am rating: +15
#6
smussyolay
i wonder if he’s newly recovering. from someone who’s been sober 6.5 years, it sounds like a note from someone who just got sober, needs a cheap place to stay and now has a BIG grudge against the peeps who can still drink like they want to.
i know that’s not funny, but it just sounds like it might be what’s going on …
Aug 3, 2008 at 2:24 am rating: +38
#7
Canthz_B
“Drunken stoppers” are good for “evil ass holes”, no?
Aug 3, 2008 at 2:26 am rating: +28
#8
Crash
I can hear it now…
“And there’s an evil asshole that lives in the basement…
The only way to keep him away is by having drunken parties every night”
Aug 3, 2008 at 2:28 am rating: +20
#9
Canthz_B
No-no #17:
“I’m looking for a nice quiet place to rest my head.”
“Dude! I’ve got the perfect basement room for you!”
Aug 3, 2008 at 2:30 am rating: +4
#10
Crash
Dude…You should have a few beers, you could sleep through it then.
Aug 3, 2008 at 2:32 am rating: +29
#11
Canthz_B
I once spent a whole night trying to get a drunken stopper into a drain on meth.
Aug 3, 2008 at 2:34 am rating: +10
#12
Delurker
It sounds to me like he *is* the constant druken stopper. Or at the very least, he’s trying to be.
Aug 3, 2008 at 2:35 am rating: +25
#13
Canthz_B
I find the bigger joke is that when on summer break they want to be college “kids”, but all other times of the year they want to be thought of as “adults”.
Aug 3, 2008 at 2:38 am rating: +14
#14
megan.
Hasn’t he heard of earplugs?
Aug 3, 2008 at 2:39 am rating: 0
#15
Crash
Dude…?
The basement of a frat house…
And you’re complaining ??
Where the hell did you think you were moving into ??
Where you drunk ??
Aug 3, 2008 at 2:44 am rating: +12
#16
morpho aurora
this note loses all effectiveness with the misspelling of stupor. it’s hard to intimidate people when they are laughing at you.
“SHUT UP OR DIE, YOU FUCKING ASSHOLES!” in red and black Sharpie might have worked better. maybe a few tasteful skulls here and there. and flames.
invest in some earplugs. even better, stop being a cheap, whiny bitch and find a place to live that doesn’t already have 16 other people in it. dumbass.
Aug 3, 2008 at 3:02 am rating: +19
#17
snee
dear evil asshole,
can you please refrain from doing kick-boxing, belting show tunes, rebuilding your scooter, ect in the basement suite before 10 a.m. the noise has been keeping us up and making life hard for us because unlike some evil assholes here in the house (YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE) we like to sleep in after a night of walking, dancing, skipping ect. IF THIS IS A PROBLEM FOR YOU try to unwind in the evening and get up at a normal hour. I KNOW THIS WILL BE HARD FOR SUCH AN EVIL ASSHOLE TO UNDERSTAND BECAUSE OF YOUR CONSTANT ASSHOLISHNESS BUT IF YOU GIVE E.A.A. A TRY THEN MAYBE YOU WILL. we are not trying to be alcoholics here. we are trying to give you a better life here at the house and in the future. though, if the assholishness has that much of a grip on you then just go and get yourself killed by being such an evil asshole somewhere else because we don’t want to live with an evil asshole and we would like to party in peace.
cheers!
Aug 3, 2008 at 3:14 am rating: +66
#18
meagz
So is he like, 40 years old and squatting in the basement because his mum kicked him out of home?
Aug 3, 2008 at 3:17 am rating: +4
#19
Ambie
I swear I wrote the same letter to my parents when I was like ten .
Aug 3, 2008 at 4:53 am rating: +64
#20
Troy McClure
This is a bit like a hobo moving in under a bridge, & then complaining about cars driving over it.
Or Neil from the Young Ones moving into Osama’s cave & saying “all this talking of killing infidels is really heavy karma, man.”
Aug 3, 2008 at 6:03 am rating: +19
#21
Jais
he seems to have a pretty narrow view of alcoholics :\
Aug 3, 2008 at 6:14 am rating: +3
#22
Canthz_B
It’s rough to be the 17th wheel at a co-ed frat house party, I suppose.
Aug 3, 2008 at 6:33 am rating: +11
#23
Red Letterboxer
All of your more fashionable campus terrorists are very egocentric, you know - in fact, this could be a form letter from the back of “Pipe Bombs for Dummies”. Someday the cops are going to show up and all that’ll be left in the basement is a worktable with some C4 wrappers and some stray bits of wire.
Aug 3, 2008 at 7:57 am rating: +7