An anonymous submitter in Ann Arbor, Michigan received this e-mail from a guy who just moved into her co-op (“basically a co-ed frat house”) for the rest of the summer. “We’ve tried to reason with him,” she says, to no avail. “When asked why he has to get up so early, he says, ‘I have important things to do in the morning,’ and that’s it.”
The even bigger mystery? Wonders our submitter: “Why, if he needs complete silence at night, did he move in with 16 other college kids on summer break?”
related: there will come soft pains
182 responses so far ↓
#1
Louisa
Damn, I hate rolling around in a drunken stopper.
Aug 3, 2008 at 2:13 am rating: 10
#2
park rose
We tried to send that drunken stopper to A.A. but it told us to put a cork in it…
Aug 3, 2008 at 2:13 am rating: 64
#3
Quite Contrary
He should have been more direct and asked them to stop breathing.
Aug 3, 2008 at 2:15 am rating: 41
#4
park rose
It’s all that damn ECT that’s making us skip like that, see…
Aug 3, 2008 at 2:15 am rating: 3
#5
Crash
I’ll go to an AAA meeting when I have habitual car problems.
Till then…Bottoms UP ! 8)
Aug 3, 2008 at 2:22 am rating: 16
#6
smussyolay
i wonder if he’s newly recovering. from someone who’s been sober 6.5 years, it sounds like a note from someone who just got sober, needs a cheap place to stay and now has a BIG grudge against the peeps who can still drink like they want to.
i know that’s not funny, but it just sounds like it might be what’s going on …
Aug 3, 2008 at 2:24 am rating: 45
#7
Canthz_B
“Drunken stoppers” are good for “evil ass holes”, no?
Aug 3, 2008 at 2:26 am rating: 31
#8
Crash
I can hear it now…
“And there’s an evil asshole that lives in the basement…
The only way to keep him away is by having drunken parties every night”
Aug 3, 2008 at 2:28 am rating: 24
#9
Canthz_B
No-no #17:
“I’m looking for a nice quiet place to rest my head.”
“Dude! I’ve got the perfect basement room for you!”
Aug 3, 2008 at 2:30 am rating: 4
#10
Crash
Dude…You should have a few beers, you could sleep through it then.
Aug 3, 2008 at 2:32 am rating: 31
#11
Canthz_B
I once spent a whole night trying to get a drunken stopper into a drain on meth.
Aug 3, 2008 at 2:34 am rating: 10
#12
Delurker
It sounds to me like he *is* the constant druken stopper. Or at the very least, he’s trying to be.
Aug 3, 2008 at 2:35 am rating: 27
#13
Canthz_B
I find the bigger joke is that when on summer break they want to be college “kids”, but all other times of the year they want to be thought of as “adults”.
Aug 3, 2008 at 2:38 am rating: 19
#14
megan.
Hasn’t he heard of earplugs?
Aug 3, 2008 at 2:39 am rating: 0
#15
Crash
Dude…?
The basement of a frat house…
And you’re complaining ??
Where the hell did you think you were moving into ??
Where you drunk ??
Aug 3, 2008 at 2:44 am rating: 17
#16
morpho aurora
this note loses all effectiveness with the misspelling of stupor. it’s hard to intimidate people when they are laughing at you.
“SHUT UP OR DIE, YOU FUCKING ASSHOLES!” in red and black Sharpie might have worked better. maybe a few tasteful skulls here and there. and flames.
invest in some earplugs. even better, stop being a cheap, whiny bitch and find a place to live that doesn’t already have 16 other people in it. dumbass.
Aug 3, 2008 at 3:02 am rating: 20
#17
snee
dear evil asshole,
can you please refrain from doing kick-boxing, belting show tunes, rebuilding your scooter, ect in the basement suite before 10 a.m. the noise has been keeping us up and making life hard for us because unlike some evil assholes here in the house (YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE) we like to sleep in after a night of walking, dancing, skipping ect. IF THIS IS A PROBLEM FOR YOU try to unwind in the evening and get up at a normal hour. I KNOW THIS WILL BE HARD FOR SUCH AN EVIL ASSHOLE TO UNDERSTAND BECAUSE OF YOUR CONSTANT ASSHOLISHNESS BUT IF YOU GIVE E.A.A. A TRY THEN MAYBE YOU WILL. we are not trying to be alcoholics here. we are trying to give you a better life here at the house and in the future. though, if the assholishness has that much of a grip on you then just go and get yourself killed by being such an evil asshole somewhere else because we don’t want to live with an evil asshole and we would like to party in peace.
cheers!
Aug 3, 2008 at 3:14 am rating: 71
#18
meagz
So is he like, 40 years old and squatting in the basement because his mum kicked him out of home?
Aug 3, 2008 at 3:17 am rating: 5
#19
Ambie
I swear I wrote the same letter to my parents when I was like ten .
Aug 3, 2008 at 4:53 am rating: 71
#20
Troy McClure
This is a bit like a hobo moving in under a bridge, & then complaining about cars driving over it.
Or Neil from the Young Ones moving into Osama’s cave & saying “all this talking of killing infidels is really heavy karma, man.”
Aug 3, 2008 at 6:03 am rating: 21
#21
Jais
he seems to have a pretty narrow view of alcoholics :\
Aug 3, 2008 at 6:14 am rating: 3
#22
Canthz_B
It’s rough to be the 17th wheel at a co-ed frat house party, I suppose.
Aug 3, 2008 at 6:33 am rating: 12
#23
Red Letterboxer
All of your more fashionable campus terrorists are very egocentric, you know – in fact, this could be a form letter from the back of “Pipe Bombs for Dummies”. Someday the cops are going to show up and all that’ll be left in the basement is a worktable with some C4 wrappers and some stray bits of wire.
Aug 3, 2008 at 7:57 am rating: 7
#24
chick
i love that he threw in “i’m just trying to help you have a better life here at the house and in the future.”
thanks, mom. i was just thinking we needed a house mother for this fraternity, and you sound perfect for the job. now we’ll need to come down to your basement room for your initiation.
Aug 3, 2008 at 8:05 am rating: 8
#25
aaa
What the hell’s an alcoholic stopper? Is it a cork that is impossible to remove once affixed to a container of alcohol, thus preventing its consumption?
Aug 3, 2008 at 8:17 am rating: 0
#26
aaa
You know, this guy shouldn’t be surprised that there’s going to be noise and drinking when living with sixteen college students (and loses major points for writing such a dickish e-mail), but I get the feeling that at least a few of his housemates (the submitter included) go out of their way to keep this guy up at night just to piss him off.
As somebody who does have to get up at 5:30 am every weekday (for class, not just “important things”), I can understand the frustration of not being able to get enough sleep due to noise. That being said, move out of the house, dumbass! You knew there were sixteen college students when you moved in and you know that the a good chunk of college students drink too damn much and make too much damn noise. And now you know that these people really don’t like you. Get a place with one or two roommates and be more selective about who you room with.
Aug 3, 2008 at 8:27 am rating: 3
#27
amy d
I am not trying to be an evil ass hole here,
it just comes naturally to me.
Aug 3, 2008 at 9:15 am rating: 24
#28
James
The first mistake was letting George Wendt’s dad character from Michael Jackson’s “Black or White” live in the basement.
“You are wasting your time with this garbage! Drunken stopper!”
Aug 3, 2008 at 9:17 am rating: 1
#29
DirtyOldLady
I always got stuck with early-morning classes when I was in college (oddly, there were always slots available in the 8am classes–go figure!
), and I managed my sleep schedule by playing my stereo in my room. It was just loud enough to mask the noise of the basketball team roughhousing in the hallway. I got my sleep, they got to do their own thing, and there were no hard feelings on either side.
The only downside was that I slept through stuff like fire alarms.
Aug 3, 2008 at 9:43 am rating: 2
#30
ama
is there a difference between an evil ass hole and a benevolent ass hole?
ps: U KNOW WHO YOU ARE
Aug 3, 2008 at 10:39 am rating: 9
#31
ama
why so much walking, dancing, jumping, skipping ect. [sic]? do they re-enact The Wizard of Oz every night after a few beers? he should move the fridge outside so the traces of human life won’t bother him. and then, when the H-bomb comes, he’ll sadly find that he’s developed insomnia and can no longer fall asleep… doo-doo-DOO-doo!
Aug 3, 2008 at 10:47 am rating: 3
#32
Timo
Dear Housemates,
This is the evil troll that lives in your basement. I have to get up early every morning to go under my bridge where I catch unsuspecting children and joggers and eat them. Your drunken stupor makes a lousy marinade as I discovered with Suzy (Remember her? Everyone thought she just “moved out without telling us!) If you are going to souse yourself please chose a nice Chianti. If you want to come down and “talk” about this I will be down in my lair reading cookbooks by the lamp with the tribal tattoo, erm, design on the lampshade.
Aug 3, 2008 at 12:02 pm rating: 6
#33
cre8tivewmn
Where does he get off demanding that 16 roommates not walk around after 10 and go to bed early because he gets up early? Although he claims that his roomates are alcoholics, his opening complaint about walking, and even skipping and dancing, falls under the sort of thing you’d expect to hear when living in a house with so many people, especially college age people.
Demanding that the world conform to your schedule IS trying to be an asshole.
Aug 3, 2008 at 1:36 pm rating: 3
#34
Timo
“please do not stare at, mock, confuse or laugh at the main floor.”
Aug 3, 2008 at 1:44 pm rating: 3
#35
Lia
Perhaps if he put those stoppers in his ears he could sleep. But then again, that stick up his arse might be keeping him awake too.
Aug 3, 2008 at 1:46 pm rating: 6
#36
Stringyhair
Poor guy. He should get a bottle of vodka and start drinking about 6:34pm. By 9:45 he won’t care if they are loud.
Wait- then those pricktards will steal his liquor…
Aug 3, 2008 at 2:16 pm rating: 0
#37
CombatPanda
In Soviet Russia everyone drunk even basement ass-stoppers.
Aug 3, 2008 at 2:52 pm rating: 1
#38
Tuesday
Dancing and skipping? Is this a gay fraternity? Perhaps he’s jealous that you’re not inviting him to join the toga parties. *wink wink nudge nudge say no more*
Aug 3, 2008 at 2:54 pm rating: 7
#39
Stormy
Dear Creepy Basement Dweller,
Our apologies. We’ll switch to speed, instead, to better accommodate your requests.
Sincerely,
The Co-Ed Country Dance Troupe
Aug 3, 2008 at 4:46 pm rating: 3
#40
kalieris
Because I am childish, and also a bitch, I would make it a special point to start clog-dancing on the main floor of the house in 5 minute bursts at random times after 10 pm every night until the “ass hole” moved out.
Aug 3, 2008 at 6:10 pm rating: 8
#41
Wade
I think I see the problem. He addressed his email to can people, and obviously all of his housemates drink their beer from bottles.
Aug 3, 2008 at 7:37 pm rating: 4
#42
Miss Unloop
I’m trying to read the tiny letters in this email, but is extremely difficult through my drunken stopper.
Wait, this house has a BASEMENT???
Aug 3, 2008 at 8:03 pm rating: 2
#43
Canthz_B
♫ One hundred comments up on the board.. ♫
Be quiet! Someone’s trying to sleep in the basement!!
Aug 3, 2008 at 8:25 pm rating: 1
#44
Canthz_B
Someone with the evil eye and an evil ass hole can get you coming and going!
Aug 3, 2008 at 8:29 pm rating: 2
#45
Miss Unloop
Maybe they should trade floors – that way, the alcoholics (AND YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE!) won’t have to worry about falling down the stairs.
Aug 3, 2008 at 9:06 pm rating: 2
#46
hushpuppy
earplugs would just be better. the e-mail’s basically asking for no college kids being college kids
Aug 3, 2008 at 11:10 pm rating: 0
#47
tk.
Dear Housemates,
There are sixteen of you and one of me. I’m moving out?
Aug 4, 2008 at 12:38 am rating: 2
#48
Holiday Djinn
Does anybody else get the feeling that the other 15 people in this house eventually got sick of this evil ass hole (sic) and just like in days of old, decided to tar and feather the S.O.B.?
Seriously, its the summer, its a bunch of colleged age co-eds. What the hell else do you think they are doing?
At this point the this guy should be thankful that the “gang of 15″
Aug 4, 2008 at 7:21 am rating: 0
#49
Holiday Djinn
Does anybody else get the feeling that the other 15 people in this house eventually got sick of this evil ass hole (sic) and just like in days of old, decided to tar and feather the S.O.B.?
Seriously, its the summer, its a bunch of colleged age co-eds. What the hell else do you think they are doing?
At this point the this guy should be thankful that the “gang of 15″ didn’t throw him out of the basement to use that space for more profitable revenue ventures
Aug 4, 2008 at 7:25 am rating: 0
#50
claw71
Assholes of this magnitude aren’t really good at deception. A few basic screening questions would have made it quite clear that wet blanket wasn’t exactly a good fit for the house.
The problem is that anonymous and the rest of the crew were so stoked about how much beer they could buy with the rent being split another way that they didn’t stop to think about the possibility that the person moving in would be a dick.
Aug 4, 2008 at 8:39 am rating: 1
#51
se
the two word compromise you’re looking for?
move,dickwad
Aug 4, 2008 at 10:39 am rating: 2
#52
Drave
This just reeks of an overdramatic WHY ME?! case who just *barely* made it through a year in the dorms and couldn’t conceive how on earth people could live that way. Of course, moving into *A* house is going to be the same as moving into *mommy & daddy’s* house, right? RIGHT!? OH MY GOD STOP WALKING AT 9:56PM!!!!
I really love the recently sober AlAnon angle but I’m betting its just righteous / pseudo-religious indignation; these heathen bastards wouldn’t be pounding around all night drunk on the devil gin if they had to be ready for 6 AM services every… single… morning…
Maybe that’s leaping to conclusions… but what ELSE is going on in Ann Arbor at that hour?
Aug 4, 2008 at 11:12 am rating: 1
#53
Brian
I am starting to love “(you know who you are)” almost as much as smilie faces in my PANs.
Aug 4, 2008 at 12:21 pm rating: 0
#54
lura
The walking, skipping and jumping is his frat mates rehearsing for a community theater production of A Chorus Line. He should know better than to mess with artists. And of course they’re drunk. You have to be drunk to perform in Chorus Line.
“God I hope I get it! I hope I get it! How many people does he need? ……”
Aug 4, 2008 at 1:25 pm rating: 1
#55
kat
*sings merrily*
lou,lou, skip to m’lou…..
Aug 4, 2008 at 1:49 pm rating: 0
#56
Stephanie
Wow. Being up past 10pm makes you an alcoholic? I better have a talking to my 14 year old sister then!
Asking people to keep it down – fine. Calling them alcoholics and setting them a bedtime? Not fine!
I hope they set this douche straight.
Aug 4, 2008 at 10:30 pm rating: 1
#57
Andrew
Funny thing is, I lived in a co-op in Toronto last summer, and had to wake up at 6am to go to my government internship…
Basically I just joined the alcoholics and learned to love coffee. Co-op’s a funny thing.
Aug 5, 2008 at 9:32 am rating: 0
#58
j
there’s probably a good chance that the rest of the people in the co-op didn’t get to pick who lived with them. so this guy only has himself to blame. i think anyone who’s seen the houses in ann arbor available to rent or for students knows that those wooden floors are going to make the soberest of dainty walkers sound like drunk elephants. and anyone who’s ever had a basement bedroom knows that you need earplugs.
Aug 5, 2008 at 12:13 pm rating: 0
#59
wont
Just needs a decent back rub to go to sleep.
Aug 5, 2008 at 1:02 pm rating: 0
#60
ryan
ooo i used to live in a co-op in ann arbor (black elk, and then briefly lester) I wonder what house this is….
Aug 7, 2008 at 10:12 am rating: 0
#61
max522over
What his fellow house mates read:
From this point forward your life will now have the following purposes. To use all your combined cunning to torture me in anyway you can, to drink as much as possible after 10 and walk around in tap shoes every evening until he either: has a nervous break down, kills himself or flunks out and moves back home with his shame based parents. The good news is that now all 15 of us are as one in our shared hate of the Evil Morning A-hole.
Aug 19, 2008 at 7:57 pm rating: 0
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Aug 25, 2008 at 8:19 pm rating: 0
#63
Alicia
I really would like to know what the fuck would possess someone to piss of ALL THE OTHER FUCKING HOUSEMATES.
If I were them? I’d just be louder than average just to fuck with this asshole. Not to mention I would make it my duty to see him move out. xD
Aug 28, 2008 at 11:30 pm rating: 0
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Dec 9, 2009 at 6:39 pm rating: 0
#65
dude
Nice. Someone should respond with “Dear roomie, please do not get up before 8:00 AM. Some of us need to be up late. If this is a problem, I suggest you take some sleeping pills or consult a sleep therapist.”
Dec 21, 2009 at 8:38 pm rating: 0
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