Like nails on a keyboard

August 7th, 2008 · 270 comments

Nicole in Australia says this note was left anonymously on her coworker’s computer. “We work in a fairly small office and no one will own up to putting the note there,” she says…not that they necessarily disagree with the sentiment.

Think about it, though. Which is worse: the click-click-click of long fingernails on a keyboard, or the snip-snip of a coworker clipping his nails on company time?

Cut your nails!!! Or stop tapping them on keyboard. It drives us all nuts.

related: At least it wasn’t “grand valse”

FILED UNDER: Australia · noise · office · on behalf of everyone


270 responses so far ↓

  • #1   Mishee bang

    I actually had a boss ask me to “Not Type So Loud” before.

    Fucking bitch.

    Aug 7, 2008 at 2:50 pm   rating: 18  small thumbs up

    • #1.1   Tanner bang

      Fuck her with something hard and sandpaper-y.

      Aug 7, 2008 at 2:51 pm   rating: 16  small thumbs up

       
    • #1.2   claw71 bang

      But what Mishee didn’t tell you is that typing had nothing to do with her assigned duties. Fluffers don’t need to type.

      Aug 7, 2008 at 3:23 pm   rating: 18  small thumbs up

       
    • #1.3   Mishee bang

      I can do two things at once. Sheesh.

      Aug 7, 2008 at 4:18 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

       
    • #1.4   Drunkbunny

      I had a coworker file a complaint, AND replace my keyboard, AND put mousepads under my keyboard because I was “typing too loud”. Not because of fingernails, but because she could hear me hit the keys.

      Why not just wear headphones if one is that focused on outside noise and doesn’t have the ability to tune out background noise like most of us learned to do when we were babies in a crib?

      Aug 8, 2008 at 8:15 am   rating: 11  small thumbs up

       
    • #1.5   Wade bang

      I have found that complaining about co-worker’s loud typing is a cubicle dweller’s way of saying “I wish I had more work to occupy my time”.

      And I am always happy to oblige.

      Aug 8, 2008 at 8:38 am   rating: 29  small thumbs up

       
    • #1.6   glastonberry

      There is very little in the office I can stand to listen to anymore, people you are forced to spend all day with become so annoying with their strange little habits and noises … I wear headphones all day long now. I would have to find another line of work if they ever took my headphones away. Possibly as an explosives expert? They get to wear ear protection AND blow shit up! Hmmm, a career change could be in the offing…

      Aug 19, 2008 at 6:37 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #2   Tanner bang

    Stop leaving passive aggressive notes on your keyboard. It drives us all nuts.

    Aug 7, 2008 at 2:50 pm   rating: 16  small thumbs up

     
  • #3   Mishee bang

    I wonder if this was originally meant to be a telegram, hence the halting grammar and use of words sparingly…

    I’m surprised it doesn’t read:

    “Cut your nails! [stop]
    or stop tapping them on keyboard [stop]
    it drives us all nuts [stop]“

    Aug 7, 2008 at 2:53 pm   rating: 17  small thumbs up

    • #3.1   ama

      sincerely? cordially? affectionately?

      woohoo sound of music!

      Aug 7, 2008 at 4:15 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #3.2   JulieEffingAndrews

      ” the hills are alive with the whirring sounds of flying fingernails.”
      *click….whirrrrrrrrr*

      Aug 7, 2008 at 4:25 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #4   Mark bang

    I fucking hate it when people clip their nails at work. A little trimming of one or two is fine, but it’s gross to cut all your nails at work, letting the nail bits fly all over your office! It’s almost as unsanitary as leaving the toilet seat up when you flush!

    Aug 7, 2008 at 2:54 pm   rating: 16  small thumbs up

    • #4.1   RunBarbara bang

      thats why i keep a dog in the bathroom, they can eat the nail clippings and anything else.

      Aug 7, 2008 at 3:02 pm   rating: 23  small thumbs up

       
    • #4.2   Mishee bang

      I don’t clip my nails at work, but I do like to prop my leg up on the sink in the ladies room and shave my legs if a little landscaping is needed….

      Aug 7, 2008 at 3:11 pm   rating: 16  small thumbs up

       
    • #4.3   RunBarbara bang

      i use the coffee pot to catch the run-off when i douche.

      Aug 7, 2008 at 3:14 pm   rating: 19  small thumbs up

       
    • #4.4   Timo

      Is it okay if I poop in the break room sink?

      Aug 7, 2008 at 3:16 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #4.5   RunBarbara bang

      sure, timo! just make sure a nubile secretary is laying inside of it (face up) first.

      Aug 7, 2008 at 3:17 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #4.6   claw71 bang

      I thought that coffee had a not so fresh feeling.

      Aug 7, 2008 at 3:21 pm   rating: 18  small thumbs up

       
    • #4.7   Timo

      COFFEE!
      Well shit I thought that was an odd place to keep the tuna salad.

      Aug 7, 2008 at 3:32 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #4.8   PandoraWombat bang

      It’s ok to poop in the sink, Timo, as long as you wash your dishes in the toilet.

      Aug 7, 2008 at 5:51 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #4.9   RandyinReno

      RB, it’s fine to have a dog in the bathroom as long as there is no uncovered food.

      Aug 7, 2008 at 8:43 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #4.10   amber

      this had to be my NUMBER ONE pet peeve when i was at my last company. the nail clipping noise drives me up the wall regardless, but the ick-factor at work….ACK!!!!

      Aug 7, 2008 at 10:41 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #4.11   BurstingAtTheSeams

      OMG Speaking of grossness at work, the other day there were a bunch of tiny black hairs in the toilet, like the equivalent of if somebody had shaved one of her eyebrows off entirely and left the mess to float in the toilet.

      We’re a small office (8 ladies), and the toilet had just been cleaned – still bubbly and chemically.

      I want to know where that hair came from and why it wasn’t flushed. God help me!

      Aug 8, 2008 at 10:53 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #5   amy d bang

    And so Evilica began to see the hard work she put into her wicked yet insidious plan begin to pay off.

    Aug 7, 2008 at 3:00 pm   rating: 12  small thumbs up

     
  • #6   RunBarbara bang

    during my tenure in HR, i always tried to hire people with no fingers so as to eliminate any kind of obnoxious tapping.

    Aug 7, 2008 at 3:04 pm   rating: 47  small thumbs up

    • #6.1   TheDudeAbides

      I prefer my girlfriends without legs that way it is harder for them to walk out on me.

      Aug 7, 2008 at 3:41 pm   rating: 12  small thumbs up

       
    • #6.2   RunBarbara bang

      well, it certainly would make reverse cowgirl interesting.

      Aug 7, 2008 at 3:45 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #6.3   secondsout bang

      It makes them just the right height, too. Now if they only had a flat spot on their heads for you to rest your beer, it’s perfect.

      Aug 7, 2008 at 5:32 pm   rating: 13  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #7   JPav

    If he/she chooses the latter of that ultimatum, what will they type with?

    Aug 7, 2008 at 3:08 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #7.1   Joe

      Boxing glove?

      (I tried posting this yesterday, but I guess it got filtered out as spam. Maybe adding extra text, like this unnecessary explanation will help?)

      Aug 8, 2008 at 11:09 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #7.2   BurstingAtTheSeams

      They will have to use voice recognition software and speak everything they want to be typed. Now what’s more annoying: listening to a loud typer, or listening to somebody use voice recognition software?

      … hmm …

      Aug 8, 2008 at 10:57 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #8   Canthz_B bang

    Women with talons are annoying to work near. Always asking you to put coins in the vending machine for them.

    Aug 7, 2008 at 3:08 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

    • #8.1   sizeXS

      I don’t think they are *really* asking you to put quarters in a coke machine, CB…

      Aug 7, 2008 at 5:15 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #8.2   Mishee bang

      CB carries a roll of quarters with him everywhere he goes….

      Aug 7, 2008 at 5:18 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #9   Canthz_B bang

    The third post-it read: “How do you wipe your ass with those things anyway?”

    Aug 7, 2008 at 3:09 pm   rating: 35  small thumbs up

    • #9.1   agirlie

      Women with long nails soon learn not to bite the tips thus ingesting leftovers…you never know what could be in there. ewwe.

      Aug 7, 2008 at 9:18 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #9.2   James

      Well I’m thoroughly grossed out.

      Tell me more.

      Aug 10, 2008 at 10:36 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #9.3   Crin

      No, the third post-it read: “If you need nail scissors, please ask Casey in Human Resources.”

      Aug 10, 2008 at 7:13 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #10   claw71 bang

    If you don’t like the sound of nails tapping on the key board wait until I get back from lunch. I have a White Castle coupon and an active bowel.

    Aug 7, 2008 at 3:19 pm   rating: 14  small thumbs up

    • #10.1   RunBarbara bang

      i just fell a little more in love with you….since youre going to WC, can you get me a mini-chicken sanwich and some bran? mishee left leg hair in the sink and i want to wash it down with something thicker than water….

      Aug 7, 2008 at 3:21 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #10.2   claw71 bang

      Was that the White Castle that did it or the active bowel? I need to know which one to play on.

      Aug 7, 2008 at 3:25 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #10.3   RunBarbara bang

      the one active bowel made my heart flutter like a kite in the wind.

      Aug 7, 2008 at 3:29 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #10.4   Mishee bang

      I have IBS and live near many authentic Mexican Restaurants…

      Does that make you swoon my beloved?

      Aug 7, 2008 at 4:20 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #11   Josie

    Looking at the keyboard I can see that the tops of the keys are grease/oil/dirt covered and there are some questionably colored collections of grime on the sides of some of the keys. Combined these indicate probable eating at the desk.

    If I were to PAN this keyboard it would definitely be to comment on how unsanitary keyboards are in general. They’re dirtier than a toilet seat regardless of lid position. As an IT support professional using other people’s keyboards grosses me out. When people quit the first thing I do is throw their keyboard away. No way should a new employee have to deal with someone’s popcorn and chips from years before.

    Aug 7, 2008 at 3:20 pm   rating: 9  small thumbs up

    • #11.1   RunBarbara bang

      i like to shake keyboards out into a tortilla, add some hot sauce to kill the germs and then enjoy a little snack. you’d be surprised at how long Nerds and Cheetos stay fresh.

      Aug 7, 2008 at 3:23 pm   rating: 15  small thumbs up

       
    • #11.2   claw71 bang

      Every other month I make office haggis with the left over bits that get stuck in the keys and while Cheetos and Nerds stay fresh forever shredded chicken, scrambled eggs and Pop Tart sprinkles do not.

      Aug 7, 2008 at 3:30 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
    • #11.3   RunBarbara bang

      the next time i make cupcakes, i will just shake a keyboard above them to add a new variety of sprinkle. maybe i will even roll them along ergonomic chairs like a sugary lint roller…
      people dont mind eating hair and lint, right?

      Aug 7, 2008 at 3:34 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #11.4   Scotsman Willie

      Aye laddie Office Haggis makes you grow nards as tough at bowling balls.

      Aug 7, 2008 at 3:36 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
    • #11.5   Zeke

      I told your mom Barbara to quit draggin her ass on the floor because I didn’t like eatin all that lint.
      Worms I guess.

      Aug 7, 2008 at 3:38 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #11.6   RunBarbara bang

      um, zeke? if youre going to make a “your mom” joke, at least get it right. a better turn of phrase would have been:
      “Hey RB, I got sick of eating lint so I told your Mom to stop dragging her ass across the carpet. Has she gotten rid of the worms yet?”

      Aug 7, 2008 at 3:40 pm   rating: 12  small thumbs up

       
    • #11.7   claw71 bang

      I told Zeke’s mom not to drink when she was pregnant.

      Aug 7, 2008 at 4:06 pm   rating: 10  small thumbs up

       
    • #11.8   Arak

      Water-headed babies should not attempt even rudimentary humor.

      Aug 7, 2008 at 4:23 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #11.9   Mishee bang

      Zeke, that wasn’t RB’s mom! Stupid hillbilly… that was YOUR OWN mom…

      RB’s mom was with me last night…

      Aug 7, 2008 at 4:28 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #11.10   secondsout bang

      Claw, I thought getting Zeke’s mom drunk was how you got her pregnant.

      Aug 7, 2008 at 5:36 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #11.11   RunBarbara bang

      silly sout, you cant get a girl pregnant in that hole…and as we all know, claw goes straight for the backdoor.

      Aug 7, 2008 at 5:38 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #11.12   Mishee bang

      like the backseat of a volkswagen??

      oh wait, wrong punchline….

      Aug 7, 2008 at 5:45 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
    • #11.13   secondsout bang

      He goes for the backdoor especially when there’s someone already occupying the front door.

      Aug 7, 2008 at 7:22 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #11.14   PandoraWombat bang

      “Back door sex? It’s all I can do to keep the front door nice for company.”
      (Laura Kightlinger quote)

      Aug 8, 2008 at 12:41 am   rating: 8  small thumbs up

       
    • #11.15   Kimberly

      A Mallrats quote is never the wrong punchline.

      Aug 8, 2008 at 10:10 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #11.16   Cowgirlgraphics

      The bits of food left in the keyboard from HAVING to eat your lunch at your desk every day: keyboard leavin’s.

      I should know … I’m on my 2nd keyboard in 3.5 years.

      Aug 8, 2008 at 1:36 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #11.17   Kimberly

      Keyboard leavin’s? Is that similar to toaster leavin’s?

      Aug 8, 2008 at 2:30 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #11.18   hamburke

      my hubby, an IT guy (sys admin/help desk manager), recently implemented remote deskop access. He’s come home with fewer colds this past spring. I agree that keyboards are gross. I used to spray mine with unscented Lysol every morning (I was an earlybird so my coworkers never knew) and I was always the healthiest of all of my coworkers. PS – I’m not a germaphobe.

      Aug 8, 2008 at 2:59 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #12   MJ

    I have never understood how those long nailed hos accomplished normal tasks like washing their dishes, wiping their ass and picking their nose…

    Aug 7, 2008 at 3:24 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

    • #12.1   claw71 bang

      Long nails can provide a decided advantage with all three tasks. I actually keep my left pinky nail extra long for those hard to reach crusty boogers and I’d give anything for the scooping action of a long thumb nail after a trip to Chipotle. I just hate when corn gets stuck under my nails.

      Aug 7, 2008 at 3:28 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #12.2   RunBarbara bang

      i keep a set of Lee Press-Ons for whenever i get ingrown hairs (which is often). they are better than tweezers and can be used to get the last of the pudding out of a Snack-Pack cup after youre done grooming.

      Aug 7, 2008 at 3:31 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #12.3   bumphercar

      I just use mine for coke.

      Aug 7, 2008 at 3:35 pm   rating: 11  small thumbs up

       
    • #12.4   Josie

      I heard once that some European country they refer to the pinky nail as the Ear Nail because it grows the fastest and can be used to clean ear wax with ease.

      Aug 7, 2008 at 3:36 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #12.5   TheDudeAbides

      Ear wax- The new cream cheese.

      Aug 7, 2008 at 3:39 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #12.6   Secretly Passive Aggresive

      That ear wax was fucking delicious.
      Sorry, I was waiting to use that.

      Aug 7, 2008 at 4:29 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #12.7   Jen

      Hooker nails suck for nose picking, it fucking hurts.

      Aug 7, 2008 at 4:30 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #12.8   RunBarbara bang

      well, wait no longer!

      *quickly pulls Unitard out and dusts off*

      You know the drill.

      Aug 7, 2008 at 4:30 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #12.9   PandoraWombat bang

      The word “Ho” is politically incorrect. The correct term is “Promiscuous Female American.”

      Aug 7, 2008 at 5:27 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

       
    • #12.10   PandoraWombat bang

      …or perhaps “Celibacy-Challenged”

      Aug 7, 2008 at 5:30 pm   rating: 14  small thumbs up

       
    • #12.11   gingerE

      Female of negotiable affection

      Aug 7, 2008 at 6:07 pm   rating: 15  small thumbs up

       
    • #12.12   Mishee bang

      I don’t know what Unitard you just pulled out RB, but the other ones aren’t dusty! They get used everyday more than your mom!

      Aug 7, 2008 at 6:11 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #12.13   djr

      If that’s the case, ‘dusty’ may have been a typo of ‘crusty’

      Aug 8, 2008 at 11:08 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #12.14   tomservo bang

      GingerE – twelvety out of ten for the Terry Pratchett quote! Will you marry me…?

      Aug 11, 2008 at 11:14 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #13   Plinko

    I’m coming to the defence of the long-nailed typist. Sometimes the problem is an exceptionally noisy keyboard and not nail length.

    “Grow the f*ck up!! Or stop leaving passive-aggressive notes on keyboards. It drives us all nuts!”

    Aug 7, 2008 at 3:35 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #13.1   claw71 bang

      The funny thing about grown ups is we aren’t afraid to use words like “fuck” when we’re trying to turn a phrase.

      Team shove that mother fucking asterisk up your trifling fucking ass.

      The fucking message was approved by the fucking committee to fucking elect mother fucking Samuel L Jackson. That fucker is mother fucking crazier than a mother fucker.

      Aug 7, 2008 at 4:01 pm   rating: 38  small thumbs up

       
    • #13.2   Plinko

      Aw, Claw, why you gotta do me like that?

      Aug 7, 2008 at 4:11 pm   rating: 10  small thumbs up

       
    • #13.3   Yakov

      In Soviet Russia Samuel mother fucking L Jackson fucks you.

      Aug 7, 2008 at 4:16 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #13.4   Sarjo

      D*n’t b* s*d, Pl*nk*!

      Aug 7, 2008 at 4:40 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #13.5   claw71 bang

      There’s only one way to do it, Plink: hard and dirty. If it’s any consolation, I did it with love.

      Aug 7, 2008 at 4:46 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
    • #13.6   PandoraWombat bang

      My favorite Jone’s Soda flavor is “Mother Fucking Grape!”

      …although some people might be stupid enough to think that stood for “Mighty Fine Grape”

      Aug 7, 2008 at 5:41 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #13.7   PandoraWombat bang

      DAMMIT, AJAX editor not working! Now the whole world will see my misplaced apostrophe!! Damn your eyes!!

      Aug 7, 2008 at 5:42 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #13.8   Mishee bang

      I find it funny that not only was there a * blocking the offensiveness of the work fuck to protect cuntmongers such as ourselves… but how much this comment’s main message echoes that of #2…

      Maybe its just me.

      Aug 7, 2008 at 5:49 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #13.9   smercury98

      team clicky keyboard!

      Aug 7, 2008 at 6:25 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #14   Tuesday

    It’s probably just Shaniqua with her massive fake nails. She’s the same person that vomits in the trash can (she’s bulimic – you would be too if you weighed 250 pounds) and eats all the raw steaks.

    Aug 7, 2008 at 3:45 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #14.1   Sarjo

      Logic trouble here:

      Weighs 250lb ? bulimic
      BUT surely
      Bulimic ? ?250lb?

      Aug 7, 2008 at 4:48 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #14.2   Sarjo

      #*&!@$^&+(*^%$
      damn symbols! it’s meant to read

      “weighs 250 therefore bulimic
      BUT surely if bulimic there not weighs 250?”

      (just imagine the little triangle dots and inequality sign)

      Aug 7, 2008 at 4:52 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #14.3   claw71 bang

      I had no problem with the logic. Fat people always try to go to extremes and fail. I could see some morbidly obese hog purging a bag of Snickers only to pick the peanuts out before flushing it away.

      Aug 7, 2008 at 4:56 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #14.4   Grade Ape

      Are you kidding me? Everyone knows that Snickers are on the negative calorie list.

      Aug 7, 2008 at 5:37 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #14.5   Canthz_B bang

      The logic fails because Shaniqua (more probably Sha’Neeqwa) can get a man at 250 lbs.
      More likely it’s Megan with bulimia. ;-)

      Aug 7, 2008 at 6:02 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #14.6   Canthz_B bang


      “Shaniqua” is never fat. She’s got “a few extra pounds” or she’s “Big & Beautiful”.

      Aug 7, 2008 at 6:11 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #14.7   Mishee bang

      PHAT: Pretty Hot And Temping…

      I like how they try to pull that shit. Nice try Mo’Nique. Go back to your Jenny Craig bitch.

      Aug 7, 2008 at 6:14 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #14.8   Canthz_B bang

      “They” get to pull it because “some” men are not intimidated by big women. :-P

      Aug 7, 2008 at 6:18 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #14.9   agirlie

      no, no, Britney has bulimia. It’s a daddy complex thing, then the shaving of the head soon follows, duh!

      Aug 7, 2008 at 9:21 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #15   failface

    We share a phone in the little basement officehole I work in. There is makeup smeared on the handset ALWAYS.

    I would so sign up for the clickity click of nails on the keyboard if that would go away.

    Aug 7, 2008 at 3:47 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

     
  • #16   Malice

    I kind of like the tappy sound of a keyboard. Eh.

    Aug 7, 2008 at 3:55 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

     
  • #17   Milkweed

    It is WAY worse to have a co-worker clip their nails at work. You have to dodge the clippings like you’d dodge Ricochet Rabbit with rabies.

    Aug 7, 2008 at 4:08 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #17.1   Qwerty

      Mmmm. . . .Ricochet Rabbit with rabies. . . .

      Aug 7, 2008 at 8:06 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #18   gambrinus

    I clip my nails at work all the time. I don’t think it’s a big deal!

    Of course I sometimes get funny looks when I do my toenails in my cube.

    Aug 7, 2008 at 4:22 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #18.1   BurstingAtTheSeams

      Ugh, it’s a big deal… to people who have to listen to you.

      Gross! Why don’t you clip them at home?

      Aug 8, 2008 at 11:04 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #19   ama

    What kind of people are driven mad and brought to their knees by the sound of fingernails tapping on a keyboard? I want that kind of power.

    Aug 7, 2008 at 4:24 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #19.1   Secretly Passive Aggresive

      I had a coworker that clipped his nails everyday. The sound of it and knowing it was flying everywhere would drive the rest of us nuts. We all thought, how does he have anything to clip since the last 24 hours???

      Aug 7, 2008 at 4:38 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #19.2   Quite Contrary

      I’ve been driven mad by it. It wasn’t the fingernails.

      But a former co-worker used to POUND on her keyboard with such ferocity that people would be able to hear it up to 50 feet away (no joke). You could always tell when she hit enter. The adjacent cubicles would tremble from the impact.

      There were two bits of icing on the cake. First, the multiparagraph stream of consciousness diatribe emails that would come from this pounding. Second, the even more disturbing behavior was that she would sit at her computer with her legs spread eagled, almost at 180 degress, as she typed. In a dress or a skirt no less.

      It was inspiring.

      Aug 7, 2008 at 6:03 pm   rating: 17  small thumbs up

       
    • #19.3   Janey

      My boss used to file her nails at her desk…it was very loud and irritating. And worst of all, I know if she could hear me filing my nails while on the company dollar, I know she would have said something to me about it.

      Aug 8, 2008 at 1:40 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #20   Mishee bang

    I imagine once Art Fry dies, he will spin in his grave because of the misappropriation of the Post-It Note how petty office quibbles have veered it off course of its intended use.

    Aug 7, 2008 at 4:34 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #20.1   claw71 bang

      The only reason Art would be spinning in his grave is because 99.99999999% of the people using his invention don’t know who he is. Right now there are people reading this post who think that Art Fry was Ferris Bueller’s sidekick.

      Aug 7, 2008 at 4:49 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
    • #20.2   RunBarbara bang

      When Art Fry was in Egypt land….let my post-it goooooo

      Aug 7, 2008 at 4:52 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
    • #20.3   Mishee bang

      Well, I know better because:

      1. My nephew was named after Ferris Bueller’s sidekick (and no, I don’t mean his name is Alan)
      2. Romy and Michele is an awesome movie.

      Aug 7, 2008 at 4:55 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #20.4   Timo bang

      I love gospel music.

      Aug 7, 2008 at 4:59 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #20.5   And......

      3. Because you’re Mishee!

      Aug 7, 2008 at 5:04 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #20.6   Grade Ape

      I got it!

      *shouting and waving his hand in the air*

      Your nephew’s name is Sloane!

      Aug 7, 2008 at 5:41 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #20.7   Mishee bang

      Last I checked main characters don’t usually make out with their sidekick… (unless of course its Adam West and Burt Ward… that’s an exception…)

      But okay anyways.

      Aug 7, 2008 at 5:50 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #20.8   PandoraWombat bang

      You obviously never watched a lot of Xena.

      Aug 7, 2008 at 5:52 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #20.9   Mishee bang

      No, I am a straight woman. I do not watch Xena.

      Aug 7, 2008 at 5:57 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #20.10   PandoraWombat bang

      I resemble that remark!

      Aug 7, 2008 at 6:06 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #20.11   mrs. pommelhorst

      Straight women don’t watch Xena…

      but wait I watched… errr….

      oohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

      That makes a lot of sense now. Thanks, Mishee. I can fire my therapist now.

      Aug 7, 2008 at 6:07 pm   rating: 15  small thumbs up

       
    • #20.12   PandoraWombat bang

      I’m only in it for the free toaster oven.

      Aug 7, 2008 at 6:09 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #20.13   Mishee bang

      That’s why you (Mrs. Pommelhorst, the Gym Teacher) went on “vacation” and came back as Mr. Pommelhorst, the Shop Teacher.

      I thought you were required to have therapy BEFORE the surgery…

      Aug 7, 2008 at 6:09 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #20.14   mrs. pommelhorst

      well you know, it’s an ongoing thing…..

      And toaster oven!?! I just got a fucking fridge magnet.

      Aug 7, 2008 at 6:12 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #21   nic

    The sound of someone clipping their nails bothers me far less than someone filing them. That sound sends shivers down my spine.

    Aug 7, 2008 at 4:47 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #21.1   claw71 bang

      The sticky sound of Mishee’s mom peeling of her musty panties sends shivers down my spine. Fortunately the stench of rancid butterfish fills the air and those shivers are replaced by the forceful heaves of my stomach as it regurgiates every thing I’ve eaten since 1994.

      Aug 7, 2008 at 4:52 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

       
    • #21.2   Mishee bang

      well the python did make her regurgitate to no extent…

      but that’s because she has a touchy gag reflex.

      Aug 7, 2008 at 4:54 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #21.3   RunBarbara bang

      once you get past the roast-beefesque texture, the panties make a fine substitute for cheese cloth when one is straining oil after use in a deep fryer.

      Aug 7, 2008 at 4:55 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #22   amy d bang

    Like nails on the keyboard,
    so are the PANs inspired.

    Aug 7, 2008 at 4:51 pm   rating: 10  small thumbs up

     
  • #23   ama

    CLICK. CLACK. CLACKCLACKCLACK. *CLACKCLACKCLACKCLACKITYCLACKCLACK* *CHRRRR-DING!*

    The next day, she wrought her revenge by bringing in a typewriter.

    Aug 7, 2008 at 4:57 pm   rating: 28  small thumbs up

    • #23.1   PandoraWombat bang

      When that didn’t work, she upped the ante by taking up the habit of carving all her paperwork in stone.

      Aug 7, 2008 at 5:55 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

       
    • #23.2   oi!

      Next day I saw blackboard in her cube………

      Apr 16, 2009 at 7:56 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #24   PandoraWombat bang

    I once worked in an office where people “pimped” their systems to death. One third party utility they had gave you the option to assign “noises” to each key — one guy programmed it to make each key “scream” when you typed on it (in various pitches, depending on the letter). That person didn’t work there much longer, oddly enough…

    Aug 7, 2008 at 5:24 pm   rating: 11  small thumbs up

    • #24.1   Mishee bang

      That wasn’t a utility… those were actual screams. See what happens when you don’t keep your fingernails nicely trimmed and clean?

      You become WHITEBLIZZARD70.

      Aug 7, 2008 at 5:32 pm   rating: 12  small thumbs up

       
    • #24.2   mlo bang

      Perhaps these people really did pimp their systems to death, what with all the screaming.

      What an awesome work environment that would have been, screaming keyboards, farting keyboards, the opening of that Blue Swede song “Hooked on a Feeling” being heard every 10 minutes accompanied with the sounds of “Oh my god, he is dancing right on your desktop!”

      Aug 7, 2008 at 5:38 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #25   PandoraWombat bang

    It sounds like this typist needs to move into the co-ed house with the nutcase in the basement. With all the skipping, hopping, line-dancing, furniture rearranging, three-legged-racing, target practice, apple-bobbing, trampolining, pinata-smashing, pogo-sticking, sheep-shearing and alcoholism going on, you could probably only barely hear her.

    Aug 7, 2008 at 5:37 pm   rating: 12  small thumbs up

    • #25.1   Bunnee

      Don’t forget clogging…

      Aug 8, 2008 at 1:29 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #26   Lo

    Funny! I would NEVER cut my nails if I that happened to me. Leaving a note like that will usually only make someone more obstinate, I know that’s what notes like that do to me.

    Aug 7, 2008 at 5:42 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

    • #26.1   Mishee bang

      *imagining Mr. Burns during his “Howard Hughes” phase*

      “and Smithers, bring the jars of urine… just in case”

      Aug 7, 2008 at 5:54 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #26.2   Mark bang

      Release the robotic Richard Simmons.

      Aug 7, 2008 at 7:05 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

       
    • #26.3   Timo bang

      Excellent the inevitable Howard Hughes reference! :lol:

      Aug 8, 2008 at 9:04 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #26.4   Timo bang

      That was to be, “Excellent *tents fingers*…” and so on.

      Release the hounds on that vile missing ajax editor!

      Aug 8, 2008 at 9:06 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #26.5   Mishee bang

      I say release the hounds… or the bees… Or the hounds with bees in their mouth and when they bark they shoot bees at you…

      Aug 8, 2008 at 9:09 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #27   aaa

    At first I thought this was going to be a note about poor nail hygiene. (Long jagged nails with dirt under them are a pet peeve of mine.) How disappointing that it wasn’t.

    BTW, you trim your nails at home. Then you bring the clippings to work and leave them on your coworker’s desk.

    Aug 7, 2008 at 6:10 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

     
  • #28   Canthz_B bang

    Dear co-workers,

    I only type so loudly to drown out the sound of your smacking lips and popping chewing gum.
    I’ll key more softly, when you stop chewing like cows!

    Cutie Cuticle

    Aug 7, 2008 at 6:50 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

     
  • #29   April

    I used to be jealous of a co-worker who typed 80 wpm. Sometimes I think she typed gibberish just so it would sound like she was even faster. Now she’s gone and I’m the fastest typist in the office so I very proud of the sound my keyboard makes. To top it off I have a very loud keyboard, so even running my fingers over the keys (without pressing) causes a noise — I wish that translated to some kind of power over others. *sigh*

    Aug 7, 2008 at 6:55 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

    • #29.1   snee

      dear proud april,

      we KNOW that you are the fastest typist in the office, so please refrain from the boastful clickity-clicking on your “special” very loud keyboard.
      you have no power over us.

      sincerely,
      all of us

      Aug 8, 2008 at 3:33 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #29.2   claw71 bang

      April, April, April…fast typing will only put more work on your desk. If you really want to get ahead a little you’ve got to give a little head. You don’t even have to be good looking, just willing. Trust me, there nothing sexier on a woman than a look of desperate availability.

      Aug 8, 2008 at 9:07 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
    • #29.3   Timo bang

      Absolutely April! Your best work may be under the desk not on top of it. Good typing skills are okay but a repressed gag response is executive secretary level skills.

      Aug 8, 2008 at 9:11 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #29.4   Mishee bang

      I bet she gives great helmet.

      (sorry, but it’s my absolute favorite line in the movie… right before “You went over my helmet?”)

      Aug 8, 2008 at 9:11 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #29.5   April

      While I appreciate all the tips and *ahem* pointers two things I forgot to mention. One, my boss is a girl and the only thing either one of us wants me to do under her desk is hook up her computer and two, I’m a paralegal, not a secretary – so there is no NEED for me to type fast, just a profound desire to be better than everyone else. :D

      Aug 8, 2008 at 12:01 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #29.6   amy d bang

      The fact that your boss is a girl will not get you off the hook around here. This site is rampant with dirty lezzies.

      Aug 8, 2008 at 12:04 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #29.7   April

      It’s the dirty lezzies that worry me, have you MET my boss??

      Now the CLEAN lezzies….completely different story.

      Aug 9, 2008 at 6:48 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #30   ajr

    Oh boo-freakin’-hoo. I bet the prissy bitch that wrote this is too young to even remeber the old IBM clicker keyboards that sounded like a typewriter with every keystroke. Probably the drama queen that signs *extra* loud every time the laser printer comes out of hibernate to warm up for a job.

    I had a boss walk down the hall once to see “what that noise was” on my second day on the job. It was my typing. Yeah, I have long nails and they click, but I just hit the keys so damn hard that the noise from that was louder. What’s next? Asking “big boned” people to “walk softer”?

    Aug 7, 2008 at 7:01 pm   rating: 10  small thumbs up

     
  • #31   secondsout bang

    Nicole forgot to mention that this woman is her co-worker.

    Aug 7, 2008 at 7:03 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #31.1   April

      OMG that’s just disgusting. At the same time, it raises the ‘how the hell does she (wipe, pick, wash, eat, drink, open doors, not poke an eye out with those things)’ question again.

      Aug 7, 2008 at 7:18 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #31.2   aaa

      She probably rents a helper monkey with the money she gets for being a freak in public.

      Aug 7, 2008 at 10:27 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #31.3   snee

      I WANT A HELPER MONKEY!

      just because.

      Aug 8, 2008 at 3:25 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #31.4   claw71 bang

      …and here I am using my own lungs like a sucker…

      Aug 8, 2008 at 9:08 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #31.5   Timo bang

      What goes good with lungs is fried green tomatoes.

      Aug 8, 2008 at 9:20 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #31.6   Secretly Passive Aggresive

      *claps hands like Eddie Murphy from Coming to America and exclaims* Royal Ass-Wiper!

      Aug 8, 2008 at 10:20 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #31.7   Jahzzie

      Be like morbidly obese Bart Simpson, “I use mah bathin’ stick”

      I got tips done for a friends wedding, “Active length”. They lasted till the day after the wedding. I felt like a cripple.

      Aug 9, 2008 at 2:11 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #32   Grade Ape

    I think we are all missing the obvious. If you hate your job and coworkers as much as most of us do… you’re supposed to put on the magical barrier called headphones. I’ve worked jobs were all I’ve ever had to say was “mornin’” and “peace, bitches”.

    Aug 7, 2008 at 7:15 pm   rating: 12  small thumbs up

     
  • #33   Jais

    I love how many of these PANs always diffuse the authorship by crediting it to “all of us”

    Aug 7, 2008 at 7:35 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #33.1   Quite Contrary

      “All of us” usually refers to one person. And one desperate misfit at that.

      Aug 7, 2008 at 10:29 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

       
    • #33.2   aaa

      These authors are just trying to cover their ass and spread the blame in case somebody can figure out who it is from the handwriting.

      Aug 7, 2008 at 10:31 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #33.3   Mishee bang

      Funny, all this time I thought it was from the cast of the CW show…

      I was gonna ask for Will Smith’s autograph too! Damn!

      Aug 8, 2008 at 3:29 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #34   RALPHY

    Give her twelve cans of beers and she’ll break them all and after twelve, you’ll look damn good. You might even get lucky!

    Aug 7, 2008 at 8:47 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

    • #34.1   Canthz_B bang

      *wonders how many fingers ralphy has * 8-O

      Aug 8, 2008 at 3:57 am   rating: 8  small thumbs up

       
    • #34.2   RALPHY

      It takes the extra two to make you look good.

      Aug 8, 2008 at 7:25 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #34.3   Mishee bang

      *wonders why RALPHY specified “twelve cans of beer” instead of just typing “a twelve pack” – possibly because with two extra fingers, typing is a breeze!*

      Aug 8, 2008 at 12:08 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #34.4   RALPHY

      Because if you ordered a twelve pac, you might get bottles–silly girl.

      Aug 9, 2008 at 8:56 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #35   morpho aurora bang

    seriously? all you could think of to bitch about was nail/keyboard noises?

    at least you don’t work with someone who constantly blows their nose and leaves the used kleenex all over the place.

    Aug 7, 2008 at 11:51 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #35.1   ulikba queen

      I once worked with someone who constanly picks his nose in front of everyone and then let me type something using his keyboard. I had to keep myself from puking all over him and wait until I could rush the hell out of his office to wash and scrub my hands ruddy.

      Aug 8, 2008 at 4:52 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #35.2   ulikba queen

      *constantly

      fucking thing won’t let me edit it out. :(

      Aug 8, 2008 at 5:22 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #36   PandoraWombat bang

    Long nails? Typing loudly? Co-workers hating your guts?

    Try new “QwertyQuiet” — the revolutionary new muffler for your keyboard!

    Warning: may permanently disable your CAPS lock key.

    Aug 8, 2008 at 12:54 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

     
  • #37   http://death-sentences.blogspot.com/

    what a horrible note… as if she’s done something intentionally evil… I agree that “all of us” is most likely two people tops.

    http://death-sentences.blogspot.com/

    Aug 8, 2008 at 2:36 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #37.1   zombieBlanco bang

      russstillsucks.com

      Aug 8, 2008 at 2:40 am   rating: 12  small thumbs up

       
    • #37.2   Mishee bang

      I’m thinking when it comes to Russ it’s time for me to actually use that little square next to his “name”….

      Thank you for giving us an “Ignore” feature PANGoddess… your gifts are plenty and we love them!

      (what about ajax editor now??)

      Aug 8, 2008 at 8:07 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #37.3   Le Bard

      I looked. It was shit. Dude, you suck. Like, totally.

      Hey, I’m a teenager at heart. That’s actually a legitimate sentence (or four) up there.

      Aug 8, 2008 at 10:00 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #37.4   Mishee bang

      I looked. It was
      shit. Dude, you suck.
      Like, totally.

      Not quite a haiku, but I give myself an E for Effort. I did what I could with the material I was provided.

      Aug 8, 2008 at 10:11 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #37.5   Goldie

      You won, Russ, I checked it.

      It’ll take two weeks for my eyes to stop hurting. Oh, and. I didn’t donate. Hope you forgive me; I have kids and animals to feed.

      Also, everyone who’s anyone knows that Death talks in ALL CAPS.

      Aug 8, 2008 at 10:35 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
    • #37.6   Sirius bang

      Anyone who’s everyone knows that Death doesn’t visit those who truly deserve it; ergo the continued existence of Russ and his log.

      *Ignore function?

      So that’s what that little box is for! (wow, I haven’t used that phrase since my honeymoon)

      Aug 8, 2008 at 2:27 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #38   Crinkle Crinkle

    Yep, I’m callin asshole on Russ. Your blogspot can go eat a dick, pusherman.

    You did get me though, I checked it out. I want my 90 seconds back.

    Aug 8, 2008 at 7:46 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #38.1   Mishee bang

      I’m calling Asshole on you. NEST YOUR DAMN COMMENTS!

      Fuck! Now I know how my mama felt yelling at me over and over… how many times do I have to repeat myself???

      Aug 8, 2008 at 8:08 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #38.2   Crinkle Crinkle

      Are you feeling especially houseproud lately Mish? I’m calling double-asshole on your sweet, witty ass.

      Noone’s listening because you ain’t the boss. Go and ask Russ’s site if there’s any leftover Dick and treat yourself to some leftovers.

      Aug 8, 2008 at 8:40 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #38.3   Wade bang

      Now, now, Crinkly. No need to bring Herman’s Hermits into this. ;)

      Aug 8, 2008 at 8:44 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #38.4   Mishee bang

      Well Crinkle, let me ask you this. If I hadn’t nested that comment, would you have even known I was talking to you?

      ‘Nuff said.

      Aug 8, 2008 at 8:53 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #38.5   claw71 bang

      And Wade wins it with a British Invasion reference.

      Aug 8, 2008 at 9:11 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #38.6   Mishee bang

      claw, I have made my feelings about the British known on the marvellous thread. I will not reference them unless it is to make fun of them…

      That is just the way Mishee rolls.

      Aug 8, 2008 at 9:14 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #38.7   Crinkle Crinkle

      Nuff said? That’s a little presumptious.

      It’s a fair call though, nesting is handy and clearly you have a thing for it. So, out of deference to your standing in the PAN arena and as a show of thanks for all the giggles you’ve given me in the past few weeks I’ll make an effort in the future.

      Still, an un-nested comment is a far cry from Russ’s proliferation of fucking blog references. I let him slide for ages before I called asshole, because you have to get at least a 5 out of ten on the asshole stage to get called, and I think he’s nudged himself up to around a six going on seven.

      I was sitting on 3. Then I told my you to go eat a dick to go eat a dick as well so I’m pushing 4. One more slight from me and you can call Mayor Hole of Ass town.

      Aug 8, 2008 at 9:18 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #38.8   Mishee bang

      I have dealt with you and shown you the light. Russ on the other hand…

      Well, there’s a special place in hell for Trollers like him. Karma’s a bitch.

      Aug 8, 2008 at 9:20 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #38.9   amy d bang

      Besides, Crinkle, you don’t have to tell Mishee to go eat dick. It’s like telling a Postman to go deliver letters.

      Aug 8, 2008 at 9:30 am   rating: 12  small thumbs up

       
    • #38.10   Crinkle Crinkle

      Haw-haw. As long as she leaves some for the beagle at her feet and flushes on the way out ;)

      BTW, Wade’s site is better than Russ’s. All day.

      Ka-pow!!

      Aug 8, 2008 at 9:38 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #38.11   Mishee bang

      Well Amy – Mr. Mishee is always smiling… I guess now we all know why!

      Aug 8, 2008 at 10:06 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #38.12   Goldie

      I second what Crinkle said. Wade’s site is a thing of beauty.

      Aug 8, 2008 at 10:38 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #39   Goldie

    Cut your nuts off!!
    or stop tapping them on chair.
    it makes us all want to drive a nail through them.

    Srsly, though, if the loudest sound in your office is that of a coworker typing? I want to switch places with you.

    Aug 8, 2008 at 8:56 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #39.1   Phalange

      Can anyone help me come up with a comprehensive list of office sounds WORSE than the sound of typing? I can come up with a few just from personal experience:

      1) Nearly deaf coworker 1 cube over who screams at the speakerphone in conversation.
      2) Speakerphone conversations in general.
      3) Coworkers leaving talk radio on all day.
      4) The maniacal laughing of the resident office harpies laughing at a marginally funny joke.
      5) The same harpies gossiping over the latest episode of American Idol.
      6) Coworkers using their own retarded catch phrases
      7) Conversations in a foriegn language that I can’t eavesdrop upon.

      I would consider ALL of the above aural infractions to be worse than the sound of typing.

      Aug 8, 2008 at 10:50 am   rating: 11  small thumbs up

       
    • #39.2   Mishee bang

      First of all, because of this site, I am probably #4 on the list – except my maniacal laughing is solo and out of nowhere…

      I would have to say

      8) The electronic stapler on check run day.
      9) The stupid bitch who doesn’t know the meaning of “put your phone on silent” that has a very disturbing and sudden ringtone.
      10) The people who DO put their phone vibrate and then leave it on their desk… fuckers!
      11) The fucking milk steamer over at the coffee station. This isn’t Starbucks goddammit!

      Not just speakerphone conversations, but I have a guy on the other side of the wall that DIALS on speakerphone, just to pick it up and then talk in foreign language. Talk about a “twofer”!!

      Aug 8, 2008 at 11:09 am   rating: 7  small thumbs up

       
    • #39.3   Mishee bang

      hehehehe, that should’ve been 8.) I know I should’ve trusted my instinct instead of following Phalange’s format for numbering…

      Oh look, a preview button!

      Aug 8, 2008 at 11:10 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #39.4   Goldie

      Nice list, I think this just about covers it! I believe, though, that some of the speakerphone violations are so heinous, they deserve a category of their own. Two examples.

      1) using speakerphone to check your own voicemail. And yes, we’ve considered leaving a dirty VM for the offender.
      2) my favorite, I call it speakerphone stereo. This is when two coworkers, one sitting ten feet away from you on your left, the other ten feet from you on your right, need to talk to each other. So, not wanting to do the hard work of actually getting his ass out of the chair and walking the twenty feet, CW #1 puts his phone on speaker and calls CW #2. CW#2, in his turn, puts his phone on speaker too, and a delightful conversation ensues, while you’re sitting in the surround sound zone dreaming of killing yourself.

      Aug 8, 2008 at 11:13 am   rating: 11  small thumbs up

       
    • #39.5   Goldie

      The worst thing that ever happened to me in the office, sound-wise, was back in ’89 when a coworker decided to print a huge software manual on a matrix printer. Imagine sitting in a dentist’s chair having your teeth drilled; multiply it by ten and repeat for eight hours straight. You kids with your laser printers have it easy.

      Aug 8, 2008 at 11:19 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #39.6   Phalange

      Actually Mishee, laughing at this site is acceptable, since it actually IS funny.

      Secondly, thanks to everyone for including the various cell phone violations. I’d like to add the people who have an alert for voicemail, and leave the phone on their desk for 5 fucking hours.

      I’m also certain that speakerphone stereo has left me clinically insane. I was once in the perfect position in the office to hear the conversations of EVERYONE else in there.

      Team Get Off Your Lazy Ass and Walk Down the Hall Instead of Using Speakerphone.

      Aug 8, 2008 at 11:25 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #39.7   Secretly Passive Aggresive

      I have a very evil woman in my office that uses the P.A. system as her personal intercom. Everyone would have to listen to her yell at her assistant to bring a report or walk faster to her office. To top it all off, her voice was like a cross between a truck driver and foul mouthed sailor.

      Aug 8, 2008 at 11:48 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #39.8   Quite Contrary bang

      Great list everyone! Thanks. I have only two very specific additions…

      12) or 3) (depends on whose list I am tacking on to and I’m very afraid of making a mistake): crazy spread eagle keyboard pounder in her boss’ boss office being counseled on her performance…with the door open. I never knew that it was possible to do a backwards spread eagle as one leans over the bosses desk, but it is. Not recommended by any doctor. Not recommended by any co-worker who has to see it and listen to the conversation.
      13) or 4) co-workers arguing with their spouse…on speaker phone.

      Aug 8, 2008 at 11:49 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #39.9   Stormy

      Here’s my contribution: bird clocks. You know, those clocks that chirp like a different bird on the hour, every hour? And the owner thinks it’s just the cutest thing ever? Yeah. Chirp this.

      Aug 8, 2008 at 12:31 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

       
    • #39.10   failface

      14) crackle-snack-sack rattling, chip-snorking mouth-breathing-eater noises … which directly contribute to the keyboard leavings quesedillas.

      15) fake coughs to obscure office chair frrrroop! farts. Hide in the bathroom to fart like everybody else.

      Aug 8, 2008 at 12:55 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

       
    • #39.11   Timo bang

      16) Cube neighbor coming in late and leaning over the wall, because they have “such an amazing and interesting life”, to tell you all about their craptastic weekend with their doorknob sucking spawn and wife. “Oh that is okay I had nothing better to do than listen to the boring and ignorant shit drooling outta your piehole.”

      17) Being asked to buy a $5 after dinner mint sized candy bar to send aforementioned doorknob sucker and future walmart shopper to band camp. How about buying this candy bar from me for $5 I want to go to fucking Maui?!

      Aug 8, 2008 at 1:55 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

       
    • #39.12   Timo bang

      Oh and office farters are nasty. Fucking animals! I, however, work with a belcher. and as an added bonus sometimes when he shows up in the morning he hasn’t put his teeth in yet. Yes they are still sweetly nestled in his pocket getting some more sleepy time before he pops them into his off-gassing maw.

      Aug 8, 2008 at 1:58 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #39.13   Mishee bang

      you guys have me thinking of the fat redheaded lady in Office Space:

      “Accounts Payable, PLEASE hold… Accounts Payable PLEASE hold…”

      Of course, I know that is a lie… As an Accounts Payable Specialist myself, I know that we don’t answer the phone. Leave a message fucker, you’ll get your check when you get it!

      Aug 8, 2008 at 1:58 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #39.14   Timo bang

      There are a lot of people here that won’t answer their phones, cell or otherwise and they have the ringers turned up waaaaay too loud!

      Aug 8, 2008 at 2:18 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #39.15   April

      I’m all confused about the numbering, so I won’t even try, but I have one to add to the list:

      #___) Personal calls from your children.

      I work with a woman whose youngest child is 23. This chick calls her mother every day, as many as 10 times a day. If she feels sick she calls to ask if she should go home from work, if she’s stressed she calls to commiserate, if she did something good, she calls. Sometimes, if we’re really lucky, she’ll come in to the office to visit or even better, she’ll come in sick and whine! Often CW will ignore work or clients to answer the call, even though she knows it’s her daughter calling about nothing.

      My other co-worker has two of the whiniest children ever and they call A LOT to ask if they can go somewhere, get something, when are you coming home, etc. This would almost be fine except for the fact that their father is a teacher so when they’re home, so is he! He apparently cannot be bothered, even though he’s there, and will tell them to call their mother for permission for everything.

      Aug 11, 2008 at 1:00 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #40   amy d bang

    8) In cubicle land: Someone a few cubes over responding to something you said that wasn’t directed at them.

    9) Someone opening an email that containe a video and playing it really loud.

    10) Cell phone conversations.

    11) Annoying cell phone ringers.

    12) Overhearing someone have phone sex. Oh wait, that’s me doing that. Scratch number 12.

    Aug 8, 2008 at 11:04 am   rating: 8  small thumbs up

    • #40.1   amy d bang

      Sorry I didn’t gigglebrax. :oops:

      *hopes not to feel the swift hand of death from Mishee*

      Aug 8, 2008 at 11:06 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #40.2   Mishee bang

      you’re lucky you are a dirty lezzie. otherwise it would be a sentence of having to read Russ’s blog for 6 hours! Only then will you pray for the sweet release that only death can provide…

      Aug 8, 2008 at 11:12 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #40.3   Goldie

      Six hours??? Can she have the unitard instead?

      Aug 8, 2008 at 11:15 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #40.4   amy d bang

      As long as I don’t have to do the nasty with Ralphie, I can take my punishment like a real woman.

      Aug 8, 2008 at 11:20 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #40.5   RunBarbara bang

      “real woman”

      Aug 8, 2008 at 11:24 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #40.6   Mishee bang

      Last time she got her hands on a Unitard, she “spun me right round” and I am not giving her any weapons anymore… no sir, amy gets her own special brand of punishment, and just like Chris and Christina Crawford being left out the will, “…for reasons which are well known to them” she knows why I do what I do.

      And remember amy… NO WIRE HANGERS!!!

      Aug 8, 2008 at 11:29 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #40.7   amy d bang

      Like a record, baby?

      Hey Mish? One time in the 80′s, my fam went to a trailer set up by the mall where you could sing a song and they would make a tape for you. So, we song a song as a family (it was horrible). Guess what our group name was?

      The Wire Hangers

      Aug 8, 2008 at 11:38 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #41   plumpdumpling

    Nails being cut just doesn’t bother me. I have a co-worker who FLIPPED OUT because someone was cutting her nails in the bathroom at work, but like, what’s the big deal? It doesn’t bother you to see someone’s hair get cut, right? In fact, a woman cutting her nails on the bus the other day accidentally flicked one right onto me, and I just politely threw it back at her.

    Aug 8, 2008 at 2:16 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #41.1   failface

      We have a doctor here (I work in radiology) who consistantly brushes her teeth in the lunch room.

      I guess it would be gross to use one of the FIVE bathrooms in this department to do such a personal thing.

      I dont mind at all that the sink where I’d like to maybe wash fruits and veggies and such is also the same sink she hawks her toothpaste loogies into.

      Aug 8, 2008 at 3:04 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #41.2   Timo bang

      A designer here at my workplace washes his cereal bowl and spoon in the men’s room sink. He always gives mean looks to anyone who comes in to use the urinal.

      *there is pooh everywhere*

      Aug 8, 2008 at 3:44 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #41.3   Mishee bang

      Timo, you should inform him that if the lid is up, and you flush the toilet, that there is this mist that flies all over the bathroom and therefore his is actually washing his bowls in shit and piss water…

      Or you could just send him a note.

      Aug 8, 2008 at 3:57 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #41.4   bwyn bang

      You could have eaten the nail clipping and commented, “That nail clipping was fucking delicious.” She probably wouldn’t understand, but you would have enjoyed it.

      Aug 8, 2008 at 3:59 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #41.5   Mishee bang

      Then plump would’ve had the embarrassing task of changing into the Unitard right there in front of everyone on the bus.

      Sometimes its better for all involved if you keep your “Fucking Delicious” comments to yourself!

      Aug 8, 2008 at 4:03 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #41.6   Timo bang

      Keeping the lids down would keep the office cats out of the bowls also.

      Aug 8, 2008 at 4:07 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #41.7   Mishee bang

      I thought you were the Office Pussy Timo!! :D

      Aug 8, 2008 at 4:10 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #41.8   bwyn bang

      Sorry Mishee – I have a problem and I’m trying to address it.

      http://bp1.blogger.com/_HU6VrHcjwaQ/R0Dnl2N89OI/AAAAAAAAAAM/JZVO-ubj_yw/s1600-h/TheUnitard.jpg

      Aug 8, 2008 at 4:23 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #41.9   Mishee bang

      Keep Coming Back… It Works.

      Aug 8, 2008 at 6:03 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #42   Canthz_B bang

    All this note needs is some nail-clip art.

    Aug 8, 2008 at 8:13 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #42.1   amy d bang

      Would that be press on nail-clip art?

      Aug 8, 2008 at 8:15 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #42.2   Canthz_B bang

      That would be Colorforms™ fun.

      I’m thinking along the lines of macaroni art. There’s nothing like the use of natural materials! ;-)

      Aug 8, 2008 at 8:21 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #42.3   Canthz_B bang

      Had they written these in “Pink Penis” nail polish they would have really pointed out their gripe!

      Aug 8, 2008 at 8:48 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #42.4   aaa

      The nail polish is reserved for writing “Call 911 or you’ll die!” on the mirrors of hotel bathrooms.

      Aug 8, 2008 at 9:29 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #43   mathew

    I think Nicole should replace her cheap keyboard with a classic IBM Model M.

    Bwahahaha.

    Aug 9, 2008 at 10:12 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #44   Troy McClure bang

    Hands over their ears, everyone looks to the back of the room for the source of the excruciating sound of nails on a keyboard…

    Quit: Y’all know me. Know how I earn a livin’. I’ll type this report for you, but it ain’t gonna be easy. Bad report. Not like going down to the filing cabinet and cross-referencing “Bluegills” and “Tommycocks”. This project, swallow your whole weekend. No booty-shakin’, no sleepin’ in, to work you go. And we gotta do it quick, that’ll bring back your clients, put your business on a payin’ basis. But it’s not gonna be pleasant. I value my nails a lot more than three thousand bucks, chief. I’ll write it for three, but I’ll type it, and print it, for ten. But you’ve gotta make up your minds. If you want to stay in business, then ante up. If you want to play it cheap, be on welfare the whole winter. I don’t want no volunteers, I don’t want no mates, there’s too many captains in this office. Ten thousand dollars for me by myself. For that you get the introduction, the conclusion, the whole damn thing.

    Aug 9, 2008 at 10:13 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

     
  • #45   magickat

    I rather like the sound of nails clicking on a keyboard. Is that weird?

    Aug 9, 2008 at 2:40 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #45.1   summer

      Not weird at all, I like it as well.

      Aug 9, 2008 at 11:43 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #46   Andy bang

    The thought of clipping fingernails on company time made me recall a wonderful coworker we nicknamed “Bathroom Guy”.

    He was the guy who never washed his hands, regularly exploded in the toilet, took the newspaper in the stall with him (then put it back in the breakroom), among other transgressions.

    However, the most surreal incident involved a different coworker walking in, and seeing a naked foot sticking out from under the stall. A hand with a nail clipper was reaching towards the foot, but when the culprit realized someone was there, the foot retracted into the stall.

    All the coworker heard was the “click click click” of this guy giving himself a pedicure while dropping the kids off at the pool. The ID was confirmed as the offender did the walk of shame back to his desk.

    In retrospect, I’m sure that has to be considered the greatest multitasking exercise ever.

    Aug 11, 2008 at 12:49 am   rating: 7  small thumbs up

     
  • #47   clickums

    I share an office with a older lady who not only clips her fingernails every other day, but also her TOE NAILS…..while sitting at her desk 5 feet away from. UGH!

    Aug 12, 2008 at 9:52 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #48   Thomas

    I’d suggest to whoever wrote that to lay off of the meth.

    Aug 12, 2008 at 11:40 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #48.1   Mishee bang

      I disagree with your assumption Thomas. If this girl was on meth, this note would not only be 10 times longer (going off on quite a few tangents and off topic quite a few times before getting to the point, possibly even including a bit of her life story for effect) but it most likely would’ve been typed or at least written quite neatly.

      If I made ONE mistake on my To Do lists of my meth days, I would do it ALLLLLL over again. And these were like, 2 page To Do lists that my hubby called the “Never Gets Done List”…

      Believe me, I know of what I speak.

      Aug 12, 2008 at 11:44 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #49   Jeffrey

    Mishee, I love your humor but get your Office Space quotes down!

    “Corporate Accounts Payable, Nina speaking! Just a moment…” “Corporate Accounts Payable, Nina speaking! Just a moment!”

    Rinse and repeat.

    Aug 12, 2008 at 3:47 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #49.1   Mishee bang

      Jeffrey, I love your kudos, but learn how to nest your comments!

      Aug 12, 2008 at 4:03 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #49.2   Jeffrey

      Team Will Nest If Desired wants to say your advice is lacking! You’re implication that I don’t know how to nest my comments could use some removal, m’kay?

      THX

      SANDRA

      Aug 12, 2008 at 4:22 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #49.3   Mishee bang

      It’s not advice.

      Aug 12, 2008 at 4:23 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #49.4   Canthz_B bang

      I’m having trouble with “You’re implication”.

      Is Mishee A.K.A. “Implication”?

      Aug 12, 2008 at 4:33 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #49.5   Jeffrey

      Well don’t keep us in suspense, dear Mishee, WTF is it?

      Canthz_B: if you think I can’t multi-task your mistaken.

      Aug 13, 2008 at 12:59 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #49.6   Canthz_B bang

      I’ve not questioned your ability to multi-task.
      Just your ability to communicate effectively in writing.

      Is that my mistaken? ;-)

      Aug 13, 2008 at 1:11 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #49.7   Mishee bang

      I have a mistaken, too… are you sure its not MY mistaken? They all look alike…

      Aug 13, 2008 at 1:20 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #49.8   RunBarbara bang

      well, jeff, now you’ve done it.
      now I have an issue…and it has to do with the correct usage of “you’re”. print this comment out for a quick reminder:
      Your= belonging, this is YOURS.
      You’re= You are. YOU’RE going to the store.

      Aug 13, 2008 at 1:24 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #49.9   Jeffrey

      Do I really need to start including emoticons in posts in which there are intentional misspellings and usage errors in order for people to comprehend them as such? Since ‘thanks’ is not spelled ‘THX’ I thought it would be understood. And then, TO LAY IT ON THICK AND PLENTY, I thought I would respond with exactly the opposite error, in the hopes that the wink might be realized. Oh well. The multi-tasking was in reference to questioning someone’s assumptions (which apparently is nearly verboten) and simultaneously including in-jokes and recurring themes like everyone else does here.

      “You were sayin’ somethin’ about ‘best intentions?’” —Samuel Jackson in “Pulp Fiction”

      Aug 13, 2008 at 2:08 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #49.10   Mishee bang

      Damn! Damn you edit!!

      I had the BEST thing to say to you Jeff – but you discovered it and fixed it!! Damn! Double Damn!

      Well, when you intentionally misspell something, the best thing to do is to italicize it, then we know you probably meant to do it…

      (Here was my response, it was too good to not post:
      I try not to comprehend anything as suck… it gets me in trouble in the long run….)

      Aug 13, 2008 at 2:13 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #49.11   CB

      The short answer is: Yes. Include emoticons, quotation marks or any other means to point out that, though you may have been mistaken once, the misuse is deliberate the next time.

      Sarcastic tones of voice do not work well in writing.

      Aug 13, 2008 at 2:30 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #50   Canthz_B bang

    Hiccough!

    Aug 12, 2008 at 4:31 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #51   amy d bang

    The “reply to this thread” option had disappeared!

    Anyways, Jeffrey, didn’t you just offer some advice? You know, about the proper way to quote Office Space. Mishee found it helpful, I’m sure. Yet you cannot take advice or constructive crticism yourself?

    Aug 12, 2008 at 4:38 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #51.1   Mishee bang

      I’ll remember not to be lazy next time and I will consult IMDB as I usually do.

      Do I get a gold star?

      Aug 12, 2008 at 4:44 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #51.2   Jeffrey

      Speaking of “Office Space,” I see there’s been a version of the Jump To Conclusions game which has been passed around the InnerTubes.

      Mishee observed an un-nested comment and concluded ignorance of nesting procedures.

      amy_d observed criticism of said (faulty) conclusion and (falsely) concluded advice and criticism of any sort must be unwelcome.

      Aug 13, 2008 at 1:16 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #51.3   Mishee bang

      *head explodes*

      Aug 13, 2008 at 1:21 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #52   amy d bang

    I still can’t nest properly, Jeffrey, but you are drawing the wrong conclusion. You said:

    Team Will Nest If Desired wants to say your advice is lacking!

    I simply made the observation that you rejected advice immediately after offering advice to someone else.

    Aug 13, 2008 at 1:21 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #52.1   Jeffrey

      Is pointing out that advice is lacking equal to rejecting it? I hardly think so. It smells like the same crazy-logic train that hawks use to equate opposition to the war in Iraq with opposition to any war.

      Anyway, Mishee said it’s not advice, so I guess we were both mistaken, according to her.

      Aug 13, 2008 at 1:44 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #52.2   Mishee bang

      No. It was a direct order, soldier.

      Aug 13, 2008 at 1:50 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #52.3   Wade bang

      Jeffrey, Jeffrey, Jeffrey.

      Here’s the point. When you reference a comment that was made four days before you posted, it helps if you nest your bon mot in the thread that holds said comment.

      Otherwise your scintillating humor is robbed of its full impact.

      Unless, of course, this is all part of an elaborate plan to market your “Jump to Conclusions” mat.

      ;)

      Aug 13, 2008 at 1:51 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #52.4   Mishee bang

      J’taime bon mots.

      Aug 13, 2008 at 1:59 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #53   amy d bang

    One final word: You said you know how to nest your comments and would do so if you chose to. That sounds like not taking advice to me. You see, it makes responses to other comments simpler and easier to understand.

    However, I stand corrected, as it seems you have taken advice and are now nesting your comments.

    It’s very frustrating that I do not have that link on this particular page.

    Aug 13, 2008 at 1:52 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #53.1   Jeffrey

      Whether I chose to nest is not something to be correct or not correct about. Assuming I don’t know how is. So is assuming the website permits it at the time.

      One can both accept someone’s advice and simultaneously not follow it.

      Aug 13, 2008 at 2:35 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #53.2   Mishee bang

      We have all had the nesting option not work for us at one time or another – that’s when you state that you can’t at the beginning and/or at least reference the comment # you are replying to… makes things much easier in the long run!

      Don’t worry! You’ll get it! Just keep trying!

      Aug 13, 2008 at 3:00 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #54   myncceply

    Hello.
    :) Watched attentively by big sisters Maud and Leah the newest member of the Norwegian royal family has been captured in homely shots used by proud parents Princess Martha Louise of Norway and her husband Ari Behn to introduce her to the world.
    Bye.

    Oct 3, 2008 at 4:24 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #55   pony girl

    HELP! We’re being invaded!!

    shoo!

    (they scare me, make them go away)

    Nov 6, 2009 at 6:01 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #56   Just a rat in a cage | PassiveAggressiveNotes.com

    [...] This post is dedicated to my cube-mate Leah, who recently received a surprise “gift” — a quiet-touch keyboard — from our boss, which succeeded in making her feel even more self-conscious about her “loud typing.” [...]

    May 13, 2011 at 9:47 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     

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