like nails on a keyboard

August 7th, 2008 · 268 comments

nicole in australia says this note was left on her coworker’s computer. “we work in a fairly small office and no one will own up to putting the note there,” she says — not that they disagree with the sentiment.

think about it, though. which is worse: the click-click-click of long fingernails on a keyboard, or the snip-snip of a coworker clipping his nails on company time?

like nails on a keyboard

related: at least it wasn’t “grand valse”

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FILED UNDER: australia · hygiene · office · on behalf of everyone


268 responses so far ↓

  • #1   Mishee

    I actually had a boss ask me to “Not Type So Loud” before.

    Fucking bitch.

    Aug 7, 2008 at 2:50 pm   rating: +16  

    • #1.1   Tanner

      Fuck her with something hard and sandpaper-y.

      Aug 7, 2008 at 2:51 pm   rating: +13  

       
    • #1.2   claw71

      But what Mishee didn’t tell you is that typing had nothing to do with her assigned duties. Fluffers don’t need to type.

      Aug 7, 2008 at 3:23 pm   rating: +17  

       
    • #1.3   Mishee

      I can do two things at once. Sheesh.

      Aug 7, 2008 at 4:18 pm   rating: +7  

       
    • #1.4   Drunkbunny

      I had a coworker file a complaint, AND replace my keyboard, AND put mousepads under my keyboard because I was “typing too loud”. Not because of fingernails, but because she could hear me hit the keys.

      Why not just wear headphones if one is that focused on outside noise and doesn’t have the ability to tune out background noise like most of us learned to do when we were babies in a crib?

      Aug 8, 2008 at 8:15 am   rating: +5  

       
    • #1.5   Wade

      I have found that complaining about co-worker’s loud typing is a cubicle dweller’s way of saying “I wish I had more work to occupy my time”.

      And I am always happy to oblige.

      Aug 8, 2008 at 8:38 am   rating: +22  

       
    • #1.6   glastonberry

      There is very little in the office I can stand to listen to anymore, people you are forced to spend all day with become so annoying with their strange little habits and noises … I wear headphones all day long now. I would have to find another line of work if they ever took my headphones away. Possibly as an explosives expert? They get to wear ear protection AND blow shit up! Hmmm, a career change could be in the offing…

      Aug 19, 2008 at 6:37 pm   rating: +1  

       
     
  • #2   Tanner

    Stop leaving passive aggressive notes on your keyboard. It drives us all nuts.

    Aug 7, 2008 at 2:50 pm   rating: +13  

     
  • #3   Mishee

    I wonder if this was originally meant to be a telegram, hence the halting grammar and use of words sparingly…

    I’m surprised it doesn’t read:

    “Cut your nails! [stop]
    or stop tapping them on keyboard [stop]
    it drives us all nuts [stop]“

    Aug 7, 2008 at 2:53 pm   rating: +16  

    • #3.1   ama

      sincerely? cordially? affectionately?

      woohoo sound of music!

      Aug 7, 2008 at 4:15 pm   rating: +2  

       
    • #3.2   JulieEffingAndrews

      ” the hills are alive with the whirring sounds of flying fingernails.”
      *click….whirrrrrrrrr*

      Aug 7, 2008 at 4:25 pm   rating: +3  

       
     
  • #4   Mark

    I fucking hate it when people clip their nails at work. A little trimming of one or two is fine, but it’s gross to cut all your nails at work, letting the nail bits fly all over your office! It’s almost as unsanitary as leaving the toilet seat up when you flush!

    Aug 7, 2008 at 2:54 pm   rating: +14  

    • #4.1   RunBarbara

      thats why i keep a dog in the bathroom, they can eat the nail clippings and anything else.

      Aug 7, 2008 at 3:02 pm   rating: +22  

       
    • #4.2   Mishee

      I don’t clip my nails at work, but I do like to prop my leg up on the sink in the ladies room and shave my legs if a little landscaping is needed….

      Aug 7, 2008 at 3:11 pm   rating: +16  

       
    • #4.3   RunBarbara

      i use the coffee pot to catch the run-off when i douche.

      Aug 7, 2008 at 3:14 pm   rating: +18  

       
    • #4.4   Timo

      Is it okay if I poop in the break room sink?

      Aug 7, 2008 at 3:16 pm   rating: +4  

       
    • #4.5   RunBarbara

      sure, timo! just make sure a nubile secretary is laying inside of it (face up) first.

      Aug 7, 2008 at 3:17 pm   rating: +1  

       
    • #4.6   claw71

      I thought that coffee had a not so fresh feeling.

      Aug 7, 2008 at 3:21 pm   rating: +17  

       
    • #4.7   Timo

      COFFEE!
      Well shit I thought that was an odd place to keep the tuna salad.

      Aug 7, 2008 at 3:32 pm   rating: +2  

       
    • #4.8   PandoraWombat

      It’s ok to poop in the sink, Timo, as long as you wash your dishes in the toilet.

      Aug 7, 2008 at 5:51 pm   rating: 0  

       
    • #4.9   RandyinReno

      RB, it’s fine to have a dog in the bathroom as long as there is no uncovered food.

      Aug 7, 2008 at 8:43 pm   rating: +3  

       
    • #4.10   amber

      this had to be my NUMBER ONE pet peeve when i was at my last company. the nail clipping noise drives me up the wall regardless, but the ick-factor at work….ACK!!!!

      Aug 7, 2008 at 10:41 pm   rating: +2  

       
    • #4.11   BurstingAtTheSeams

      OMG Speaking of grossness at work, the other day there were a bunch of tiny black hairs in the toilet, like the equivalent of if somebody had shaved one of her eyebrows off entirely and left the mess to float in the toilet.

      We’re a small office (8 ladies), and the toilet had just been cleaned - still bubbly and chemically.

      I want to know where that hair came from and why it wasn’t flushed. God help me!

      Aug 8, 2008 at 10:53 pm   rating: +2  

       
     
  • #5   amy d

    And so Evilica began to see the hard work she put into her wicked yet insidious plan begin to pay off.

    Aug 7, 2008 at 3:00 pm   rating: +12  

     
  • #6   RunBarbara

    during my tenure in HR, i always tried to hire people with no fingers so as to eliminate any kind of obnoxious tapping.

    Aug 7, 2008 at 3:04 pm   rating: +46  

    • #6.1   TheDudeAbides

      I prefer my girlfriends without legs that way it is harder for them to walk out on me.

      Aug 7, 2008 at 3:41 pm   rating: +11  

       
    • #6.2   RunBarbara

      well, it certainly would make reverse cowgirl interesting.

      Aug 7, 2008 at 3:45 pm   rating: +5  

       
    • #6.3   secondsout

      It makes them just the right height, too. Now if they only had a flat spot on their heads for you to rest your beer, it’s perfect.

      Aug 7, 2008 at 5:32 pm   rating: +13  

       
     
  • #7   JPav

    If he/she chooses the latter of that ultimatum, what will they type with?

    Aug 7, 2008 at 3:08 pm   rating: +2  

    • #7.1   Joe

      Boxing glove?

      (I tried posting this yesterday, but I guess it got filtered out as spam. Maybe adding extra text, like this unnecessary explanation will help?)

      Aug 8, 2008 at 11:09 am   rating: 0  

       
    • #7.2   BurstingAtTheSeams

      They will have to use voice recognition software and speak everything they want to be typed. Now what’s more annoying: listening to a loud typer, or listening to somebody use voice recognition software?

      … hmm …

      Aug 8, 2008 at 10:57 pm   rating: 0  

       
     
  • #8   Canthz_B

    Women with talons are annoying to work near. Always asking you to put coins in the vending machine for them.

    Aug 7, 2008 at 3:08 pm   rating: +7  

    • #8.1   sizeXS

      I don’t think they are *really* asking you to put quarters in a coke machine, CB…

      Aug 7, 2008 at 5:15 pm   rating: +4  

       
    • #8.2   Mishee

      CB carries a roll of quarters with him everywhere he goes….

      Aug 7, 2008 at 5:18 pm   rating: +3  

       
     
  • #9   Canthz_B

    The third post-it read: “How do you wipe your ass with those things anyway?”

    Aug 7, 2008 at 3:09 pm   rating: +34  

    • #9.1   agirlie

      Women with long nails soon learn not to bite the tips thus ingesting leftovers…you never know what could be in there. ewwe.

      Aug 7, 2008 at 9:18 pm   rating: 0  

       
    • #9.2   James

      Well I’m thoroughly grossed out.

      Tell me more.

      Aug 10, 2008 at 10:36 am   rating: 0  

       
    • #9.3   Crin

      No, the third post-it read: “If you need nail scissors, please ask Casey in Human Resources.”

      Aug 10, 2008 at 7:13 pm   rating: 0  

       
     
  • #10   claw71

    If you don’t like the sound of nails tapping on the key board wait until I get back from lunch. I have a White Castle coupon and an active bowel.

    Aug 7, 2008 at 3:19 pm   rating: +14  

    • #10.1   RunBarbara

      i just fell a little more in love with you….since youre going to WC, can you get me a mini-chicken sanwich and some bran? mishee left leg hair in the sink and i want to wash it down with something thicker than water….

      Aug 7, 2008 at 3:21 pm   rating: +3  

       
    • #10.2   claw71

      Was that the White Castle that did it or the active bowel? I need to know which one to play on.

      Aug 7, 2008 at 3:25 pm   rating: +2  

       
    • #10.3   RunBarbara

      the one active bowel made my heart flutter like a kite in the wind.

      Aug 7, 2008 at 3:29 pm   rating: +1  

       
    • #10.4   Mishee

      I have IBS and live near many authentic Mexican Restaurants…

      Does that make you swoon my beloved?

      Aug 7, 2008 at 4:20 pm   rating: +3  

       
     
  • #11   Josie

    Looking at the keyboard I can see that the tops of the keys are grease/oil/dirt covered and there are some questionably colored collections of grime on the sides of some of the keys. Combined these indicate probable eating at the desk.

    If I were to PAN this keyboard it would definitely be to comment on how unsanitary keyboards are in general. They’re dirtier than a toilet seat regardless of lid position. As an IT support professional using other people’s keyboards grosses me out. When people quit the first thing I do is throw their keyboard away. No way should a new employee have to deal with someone’s popcorn and chips from years before.

    Aug 7, 2008 at 3:20 pm   rating: +9  

    • #11.1   RunBarbara

      i like to shake keyboards out into a tortilla, add some hot sauce to kill the germs and then enjoy a little snack. you’d be surprised at how long Nerds and Cheetos stay fresh.

      Aug 7, 2008 at 3:23 pm   rating: +15  

       
    • #11.2   claw71

      Every other month I make office haggis with the left over bits that get stuck in the keys and while Cheetos and Nerds stay fresh forever shredded chicken, scrambled eggs and Pop Tart sprinkles do not.

      Aug 7, 2008 at 3:30 pm   rating: +6  

       
    • #11.3   RunBarbara

      the next time i make cupcakes, i will just shake a keyboard above them to add a new variety of sprinkle. maybe i will even roll them along ergonomic chairs like a sugary lint roller…
      people dont mind eating hair and lint, right?

      Aug 7, 2008 at 3:34 pm   rating: +1  

       
    • #11.4   Scotsman Willie

      Aye laddie Office Haggis makes you grow nards as tough at bowling balls.

      Aug 7, 2008 at 3:36 pm   rating: +6  

       
    • #11.5   Zeke

      I told your mom Barbara to quit draggin her ass on the floor because I didn’t like eatin all that lint.
      Worms I guess.

      Aug 7, 2008 at 3:38 pm   rating: +2  

       
    • #11.6   RunBarbara

      um, zeke? if youre going to make a “your mom” joke, at least get it right. a better turn of phrase would have been:
      “Hey RB, I got sick of eating lint so I told your Mom to stop dragging her ass across the carpet. Has she gotten rid of the worms yet?”

      Aug 7, 2008 at 3:40 pm   rating: +12  

       
    • #11.7   claw71

      I told Zeke’s mom not to drink when she was pregnant.

      Aug 7, 2008 at 4:06 pm   rating: +10  

       
    • #11.8   Arak

      Water-headed babies should not attempt even rudimentary humor.

      Aug 7, 2008 at 4:23 pm   rating: +3  

       
    • #11.9   Mishee

      Zeke, that wasn’t RB’s mom! Stupid hillbilly… that was YOUR OWN mom…

      RB’s mom was with me last night…

      Aug 7, 2008 at 4:28 pm   rating: +2  

       
    • #11.10   secondsout

      Claw, I thought getting Zeke’s mom drunk was how you got her pregnant.

      Aug 7, 2008 at 5:36 pm   rating: +2  

       
    • #11.11   RunBarbara

      silly sout, you cant get a girl pregnant in that hole…and as we all know, claw goes straight for the backdoor.

      Aug 7, 2008 at 5:38 pm   rating: +1  

       
    • #11.12   Mishee

      like the backseat of a volkswagen??

      oh wait, wrong punchline….

      Aug 7, 2008 at 5:45 pm   rating: +6  

       
    • #11.13   secondsout

      He goes for the backdoor especially when there’s someone already occupying the front door.

      Aug 7, 2008 at 7:22 pm   rating: +1  

       
    • #11.14   PandoraWombat

      “Back door sex? It’s all I can do to keep the front door nice for company.”
      (Laura Kightlinger quote)

      Aug 8, 2008 at 12:41 am   rating: +7  

       
    • #11.15   Kimberly

      A Mallrats quote is never the wrong punchline.

      Aug 8, 2008 at 10:10 am   rating: +2  

       
    • #11.16   Cowgirlgraphics

      The bits of food left in the keyboard from HAVING to eat your lunch at your desk every day: keyboard leavin’s.

      I should know … I’m on my 2nd keyboard in 3.5 years.

      Aug 8, 2008 at 1:36 pm   rating: 0  

       
    • #11.17   Kimberly

      Keyboard leavin’s? Is that similar to toaster leavin’s?

      Aug 8, 2008 at 2:30 pm   rating: 0  

       
    • #11.18   hamburke

      my hubby, an IT guy (sys admin/help desk manager), recently implemented remote deskop access. He’s come home with fewer colds this past spring. I agree that keyboards are gross. I used to spray mine with unscented Lysol every morning (I was an earlybird so my coworkers never knew) and I was always the healthiest of all of my coworkers. PS - I’m not a germaphobe.

      Aug 8, 2008 at 2:59 pm   rating: +1  

       
     
  • #12   MJ

    I have never understood how those long nailed hos accomplished normal tasks like washing their dishes, wiping their ass and picking their nose…

    Aug 7, 2008 at 3:24 pm   rating: +5  

    • #12.1   claw71

      Long nails can provide a decided advantage with all three tasks. I actually keep my left pinky nail extra long for those hard to reach crusty boogers and I’d give anything for the scooping action of a long thumb nail after a trip to Chipotle. I just hate when corn gets stuck under my nails.

      Aug 7, 2008 at 3:28 pm   rating: +4