Rodti and Laura Elizabeth spotted these charming examples of local Scottish color outside an Internet cafe in Glasgow’s West End.
![Folks we have toilets that only paying customers can use. I don't care who you are, how old you are, if your [sic] ill or not i have heard them all, FROM 1 - 100. The answer is no you can't use our toilet! Thank the person who smashed my toilet, don't take your energy out on the staff this was the owners statement!](http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3209/2678052577_4fc5db5514.jpg "Folks we have toilets that only paying customers can use. I don't care who you are, how old you are, if your [sic] ill or not i have heard them all, FROM 1 - 100. The answer is no you can't use our toilet! Thank the person who smashed my toilet, don't take your energy out on the staff this was the owners statement!")
Meanwhile, a grocery story elsewhere in Glasgow displays a similar plea for clemency…one that seems intended for a similar clientele.
related: Blame it on Coke
extra credit: Buckfast tonic wine [wikipedia]
The worst toilet in Scotland [youtube]
107 responses so far ↓
#1
César
If i see that sign I swear I’ll pee my pants right there on their floor.
What assholes.
Aug 12, 2008 at 2:02 pm rating: 4
#2
aaa
So I had to click the Buckfast link since I’m American and had no idea what the fuck it is. Seems that it’s a favorite among underage hooligans. No wonder they have to plea for clemency when they’re out of the stuff.
Aug 12, 2008 at 2:08 pm rating: 2
#3
Melissa
Quick! Send in Trader Joe’s relief supplies of Two Buck Chuckfast!
Aug 12, 2008 at 2:10 pm rating: 2
#4
failface
Do they not have Ripple to slake their winos’ thirst?
Aug 12, 2008 at 2:10 pm rating: 0
#5
Wilko
A Poem:
The Curse
to the shop that forbids pee
, no customers shall visit thee
Aug 12, 2008 at 2:12 pm rating: 17
#6
Mishee
What if I tell you 101? Have you heard that one?
Aug 12, 2008 at 2:14 pm rating: 9
#7
Sirius
You say that I must pay to pee
I’d like to test that theory
The toliet-smasher is a worm
Dont’ take it out on we who squirm!
Aug 12, 2008 at 2:16 pm rating: 10
#8
Sirius
Deny me Buckfast, to my face?
My chavvy mates will trash the place!
Aug 12, 2008 at 2:18 pm rating: 24
#9
amy d
How do their toilets know who is a paying customer and who is not?
Modern technology rocks!
Aug 12, 2008 at 2:20 pm rating: 16
#10
RunBarbara
regarding the first note-
its kind that they consider the toilet “staff”. its nice to personify objects, especially ones that dispose of your crap. i wonder if it has a little vest and name tag draped over its tank…
Aug 12, 2008 at 2:21 pm rating: 12
#11
claw71
I would never stoop so low as to take my frustrations with your inability to manage your place of business out on the staff. No, I reserve my pent up hostility toward my mother for them. She wouldn’t buy me Bubble Tape and now the retail world will feel my wrath.
Aug 12, 2008 at 2:29 pm rating: 1
#12
elizabeth
What is a Buckfast?
Aug 12, 2008 at 2:32 pm rating: 1
#13
unholyghost2003
Ah! Bum Wines of the U.K. hmm or maybe not. The review makes it sound like the booze of the marginally employed alcoholic. So I suppose the better question than “Don’t they have any Ripple?” is “Don’t they have any Kamchatka?”
Aug 12, 2008 at 2:32 pm rating: 1
#14
claw71
I’m sorry to say that I’m out of dough
but I still need to use the rest room though
To me I hope you’ll give a pass
seeing as how the turd has breached my ass
If this is something of which you can’t see fit
I’ll squat right here to take a shit
Your paying patrons will be disgusted
to see and smell what my colon’s busted
The choice is yours, you hold your fate
The loo or the floor, I cannot wait.
Aug 12, 2008 at 2:35 pm rating: 52
#15
Chloe
It’s obnoxious enough for business owners to restrict the use of their bathrooms (would they prefer customers piss on their floor?)…but to go so far as to write a poem about it? Them’s fightin’ words.
Aug 12, 2008 at 2:52 pm rating: 2
#16
Quite Contrary
So, am I allowed to use the toilet if I am there to return something?
Aug 12, 2008 at 2:52 pm rating: 5
#17
Bunnee
But if I’m 101, I can go in and make an excuse as to why I need the bathroom?
Aug 12, 2008 at 3:40 pm rating: 0
#18
Canthz_B
Naturally, the first sign was written by someone with an anal retentive personality.
Aug 12, 2008 at 4:01 pm rating: 3
#19
Canthz_B
Please Sir! Please Sir!
Please don’t scold me!
My bladder is weak,
I cannot hold pee!
Aug 12, 2008 at 4:06 pm rating: 3
#20
CitizenEditor
Buckfast is the worlds worst alcoholic beverage. Now there aren’t so many smackheads in Glasgow they’re all just pissed up instead.
What a win.
PS: Wiki has it that Ripple is no longer produced
Aug 12, 2008 at 4:08 pm rating: 2
#21
secondsout
So at this internet cafe, do you think they might be able to look up an online guide to grammar, spelling, comma usage, and capitalization?
Aug 12, 2008 at 4:14 pm rating: 5
#22
secondsout
Can one use a “high street gift voucher” to purchase rotgut wine? COOL!
Aug 12, 2008 at 4:15 pm rating: 4
#23
ama
I don’t care who you are (who you a-are)
Where you’re from
If your ill or not
As long as you jog on…
Aug 12, 2008 at 4:25 pm rating: 2
#24
ama
Buckfest 2008 was so awesome!! WOOHOO! My favorite band was Delivery Errors….playing “I Regret To Inform (That This Shop Has No ****fast)” and “Please Do Not Abuse The Staff (As It Is Not Their Fault).”
Aug 12, 2008 at 4:31 pm rating: 8
#25
thirty six red
But can I take my food in there? Will you allow my dog to take a shit in there if I buy something?
Aug 12, 2008 at 4:32 pm rating: 3
#26
Holiday Djinn
I’m a man, i would just piss in their doorway after hours, or on the managers car. Either way, i am relieved.
Aug 12, 2008 at 4:33 pm rating: 1
#27
octavius
These signs are very polite for the average Glaswegian. They must be in the posh end of the city of deep fried Mars bars, the only place in the world where the English are considered to have good teeth.
I just noticed the door at the bottom doesn’t have security glass, it can’t be in Glasgow at all.
Aug 12, 2008 at 4:37 pm rating: 7
#28
ama
i haf cheewios for buckfast.
Aug 12, 2008 at 4:39 pm rating: 3
#29
Sheepish
ahh, the delivery error excuse.
“of course I couriered those documents like I asked, must’ve been a delivery error”
“what? you never got you Christmas gift? must have been a delivery error. that’s too bad ’cause it was a really nice gift.”
Aug 12, 2008 at 4:47 pm rating: 0
#30
Miss Unloop
“Charlie? Are ye away to crap? AGAIN?!?!?”
Aug 12, 2008 at 5:28 pm rating: 4
#31
Miss Unloop
Read the first sign to yourself in your best Scottish accent…
“I dinnae care who ye are or how old ye are…
the answer is nae! Ye cannae use our toilet!”
Aug 12, 2008 at 5:35 pm rating: 10
#32
Never Mishee
To the person who smashed the toilet: Thank you! Thanks Terry. The buckfast was fucking delicious.
Aug 12, 2008 at 5:52 pm rating: 3
#33
Craniac
I’m more concerned about this toliet that non-customers can’t use. I don’t think I’ve ever encountered a toliet. Is that some kind of fancy French toilet?
Aug 12, 2008 at 7:20 pm rating: 1
#34
john in grand haven
i thought the last note was going to be about somebody making an errant delivery of some kind in the bathroom….. kind of disappointed….
Aug 12, 2008 at 8:54 pm rating: 1
#35
Andre
“wreck-the-hoose juice”
Oh my.
Aug 12, 2008 at 9:22 pm rating: 1
#36
fink
Maybe if they had voted Labour in that by-election, they wouldn’t have this mysterious buckfast shortage…
Aug 12, 2008 at 11:18 pm rating: 2
#37
Andre
And just so we’re clear…is this International Urine Week or something?
Why all the pee-themed PANs?
Aug 13, 2008 at 2:15 am rating: 0
#38
snee
non-customer: ur out.
buy something: urine!
Aug 13, 2008 at 3:16 am rating: 9
#39
Wade
One week before the first sign was placed in the window, the following conversation occurred:
Fat Bastard: First things first: WHERE’S YOUR SHITTER? I’ve got a turtle-head poking out.
Store Owner: Charming
Fat Bastard: I’m not kiddin’. I’ve got a crap on deck that could choke a donkey. Aww, it’s SQUIDGY. Christ, I’m gettin’ all emotional from it, ya know?
Aug 13, 2008 at 8:54 am rating: 2
#40
RALPHY
Geeez-If they’re that paranoid about strangers peeing in their smashed toilets, I can only imagine their wrath when you sashay up to their water fountain.
Aug 13, 2008 at 10:19 am rating: 0
#41
Journal of Social awkwardness
I gotta say these notes are too long to be effective…if I have to pee, I don’t read until I am already sitting down
Aug 13, 2008 at 11:25 am rating: 0
#42
Groundskeeper Stereotype
I can’t get over how fucking bigoted all you Yanks are.
(I wrote this before reading any of the comments, but I know they will prove my suspicions correct.)
Aug 13, 2008 at 2:32 pm rating: 1
#43
Pinkeh
Ahh. I miss Buckfast.
Aug 14, 2008 at 11:20 am rating: 0
#44
Pinkeh
That’s weird, Mishee! As a Scot, we believe that the Irish (second only to the Yanks) are the best people to make fun of in the World…ever!
Aug 14, 2008 at 11:22 am rating: 3
#45
tokyito
That buckfast one is priceless.
Aug 14, 2008 at 12:26 pm rating: 1
#46
Brian
I think I’ve seen that sign, but I can’t remember which cafe it is. Anyway reminded my of this law, which I do remember being told when I was wee;
“If someone knocks on your door in Scotland and requires the use of your toilet, you are required to let them enter”
http://domsweirdnews.blogspot.com/2007/11/strange-law-votes.html
don’t know if anyone can find it on the statute books, but technically it could mean that the cafe is breaking the law….
Aug 14, 2008 at 1:37 pm rating: 1
#47
Timo
There was a runner from Glasgow.
Who thought his bowel was going to blow
There was no time for permission
just toilet demolition
and on the floor the pooh did flow.
Aug 14, 2008 at 3:29 pm rating: 1
#48
Tuesday
That’s pretty common in Europe – it’s either you go in and buy shit and you can pee or you pay to use a toilet. It’s not that way everywhere but anyone who possesses a bladder the size of a pea (such as myself) knows all the tricks to getting a free place to rest your bottom for a quick empty.
Aug 16, 2008 at 9:44 am rating: 0
#49
Woman on the Verge
Where can I go to get a toilet that only paying customers can use? I’d make a fortune without leaving the house!
Aug 17, 2008 at 12:40 pm rating: 0
#50
jellyswami
Och, the Scots are a poetic nation, aye? Dinna be bitch-slappin’ them for their bad bog poetry.
Sep 3, 2008 at 2:33 pm rating: 0
#51
keefo
Buckfast, here in central Scotland, is quite a curse. Yobs and winos love it, it’s white trash fuel. It is relatively cheap and strong. It is a ‘tonic wine’ made by monks in a monastery in England. It tastes nothing like real wine, and sort of spicy, syrupy and sweet like some kind of medicine or ‘tonic’ funnily enough… If you forget it’s meant to be wine, it actually tastes quite good. It’s fans probably can’t stand taste of decent wine and it’s screwtop cap is also a bonus for the unsophisticated. We also have MD and 20/20 here… they’re popular with the same consumers. Glasgow thugs and hooligans are possibly the wittiest and nastiest you’ll find anywhere. They’re popularly known as ‘neds’… or ‘wee neds’
Sep 13, 2008 at 7:41 pm rating: 2
#52
DrBlondie
I’m 38 weeks pregnant right now, and my dear child seems to be using my bladder as a trampoline. I asked to use the bathroom in a local Internet Cafe here in Newcastle last week, and they told me it was only for customers. I was so desperate that I offered the guy £5 cash (the minimum spend for using a computer? £2!!!) He still said no. I’m the size of a damn whale so even dogs can see I’m pregnant, but apparently that wasn’t good enough.
So, not altogether intentionally, I just let rip where I stood. It was strangely liberating to pee my pants again for the first time since early childhood.
The guy went ape, and actually called the police. I proudly stood my ground, soaking wet, and waited until the “Boys in Blue” showed up. The lovely officer called the shop owner an a-hole, and made him apologise. FANtastic. A WPC gave me a lift home, wrapped in one of those nice silver foil blankets
Sep 19, 2008 at 5:42 pm rating: 8
#53
calypso
I just discovered this site, and so glad to see the top two posters on here. I lived up the street from that coffee shop for about 2 years. I walked past it almost every day and never went in…the windows were completely adorned in welcoming posters like that.
I think it recently shut down, actually, with a similar poem to say goodbye.
Nov 21, 2009 at 4:45 pm rating: 0
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