Cloudy with a chance of hate mail

August 14th, 2008 · 241 comments

For their daughter’s first birthday, Mr. and Mrs. Schmidt decided it would be fun to throw a casual little backyard get-together at their home in Rochester, Minnesota.

Like the good church-going Minnesotans they are, the Schmidts sent out this e-mail invite to their small-ish congregation of about 200 people, expecting maybe 20 or 30 to stop by for some cake.

Hello St. Luke’s family! Madeleine turns ONE on 8/8/8! To celebrate, she’s hosting her very own backyard tea party on Saturday, August 9th at 1:00 p.m. No gifts necessary – your presence is present enough. :) We hope you and your family will join us as we celebrate the first of many fun birthdays with our little princess. If you have a moment, please RSVP to so we know how many cucumber sandwiches to make. :)

Mr. Schmidt happens to be the local TV weatherman, but neither of the Schmidts could have predicted the outraged response they received by mail a few days later (unsigned, with no return address).

Mr + Mrs. Schmidt: I think I've heard everything now. Who invites every adult that they know to a 1 year old's birthday? If you want free toys, baby cloths [sic] and cash gifts why doesn't Mr. Schmidt just annonce it on his always wrong weather show? Why do you have to burden every person within hearing range to run out and buy a card and a gift. You two truely [sic] are a pair of complete asses, that doesn't say to [sic] much for your parents. How long are you going to terrioze [sic] this community?

Adds Mrs. Schmidt: “We have no clue who sent it, and decided we’d have to laugh it off or go crazy trying to figure it out…so I’m doing my own passive-aggressive act and posting it here.”

related: An occasion that Blue Mountain Arts has yet to animate

FILED UNDER: birthday · CAPS LOCK · crazypants · Minnesota · Moms & Dads · most popular notes of 2008 · spelling and grammar police


241 responses so far ↓

  • #1   Canthz_B bang

    Thank you for your kind note.
    Judging from your evident low level of education, we feel that it is best you not attend. You probably need all you earn and cannot possibly afford a gift worthy of giving.

    Aug 14, 2008 at 8:24 pm   rating: 50  small thumbs up

    • #1.1   Claire

      “Dear Sender,
      We cannot help but notice the many errors in your unfortunate letter. Perhaps if you had spent more time at birthday parties growing up, you would look beyond the gift table and see what excitement there can be at such a gathering. Perhaps a pony kicked you in the head after a pony ride and you failed to understand that we are not asking for presents of any kind. Or perhaps you were frightened by a scary clown during your childhood and this has made you strongly hate birthday parties. Please go piss upon someone else’s parade.”

      Aug 15, 2008 at 5:17 am   rating: 70  small thumbs up

       
    • #1.2   WhyAren'tUDeadYet

      You probably need all you earn and cannot possibly afford a gift worthy of giving.

      Which, if you actually read the note, would be no gift at all, as requested.

      I’m just amazed you didn’t type “W007! First!!!”

      Aug 16, 2008 at 4:58 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

       
    • #1.3   Canthz_B bang

      “No gifts necessary” is not “We request that you not bring a gift”.
      But have it your way my good and faithful follower. :-)

      Of course, anyone with any class would bring a gift and not show up for free grub…but then, having no class, how could you know that?

      Aug 16, 2008 at 7:22 pm   rating: 19  small thumbs up

       
    • #1.4   Sarah

      It’s so awesome when people who don’t know each other start fighting thread-comment style, and use emoticons sarcastically. THAT’S classy.

      Oct 31, 2008 at 4:29 pm   rating: 36  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #2   anglophile bang

    I agree with the letter writer.

    Birthday party for a one-year-old + cucumber sandwiches = Terrorism

    Aug 14, 2008 at 8:28 pm   rating: 175  small thumbs up

    • #2.1   JesFoolin

      I don’t care how old the little brat is, if we eat cucumber sandwiches then the terrorists win!

      GWB

      Aug 14, 2008 at 10:58 pm   rating: 43  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.2   Claire

      I am the decider and I have decided that cucumber sandwiches are weapons of mass destruction for the family-values-hating liberals! We always served beef jerky at me and muh siblings’ birthday parties in Texas, and I turned out okay. Hell, if it wasn’t for beef jerky, I probably wouldn’t have been President! George W.

      Aug 15, 2008 at 5:20 am   rating: 29  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.3   S&M

      In the wreckage of the World Trade center they found cucumber sandwiches… coincidence?

      Aug 15, 2008 at 9:44 am   rating: 52  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.4   Sarcastic Monkey

      Oh Claire! You card. I almost laughed at the presidential snipe! How witty.

      not.

      Aug 19, 2008 at 1:05 am   rating: 16  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.5   Canthz_B bang

      Yeah, maybe….but there’s so much sniping left to do and mercifully little time left in which to do it.
      We should cherish each snipe as if it were the last.
      Who knows when we’ll get a President as vulnerable to snipes as this dolt again?

      Aug 19, 2008 at 1:50 am   rating: 12  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #3   amy d bang

    I find myself very concerned with the oily stain after the second sentence. What was the note writer doing as he composed this manifesto?

    Aug 14, 2008 at 8:33 pm   rating: 10  small thumbs up

    • #3.1   PandoraWombat bang

      He must not have had enough BABY CLOTHS with which to clean up after himself.

      Aug 14, 2008 at 8:50 pm   rating: 19  small thumbs up

       
    • #3.2   Claire

      He was sampling various types of baby lotions and oils….

      Aug 15, 2008 at 5:21 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #4   Canthz_B bang

    I feel sorry for the poor pony that was supposed to be at the party, but instead had his head left in this guy’s bed!

    Aug 14, 2008 at 8:34 pm   rating: 17  small thumbs up

     
  • #5   amy d bang

    How long are you going to terrorize this community?

    As long as it takes, my friend. As long as it takes.

    Aug 14, 2008 at 8:36 pm   rating: 133  small thumbs up

    • #5.1   Bunnee

      Or at least until Madeline gets too old for formal birthday parties…

      Aug 15, 2008 at 11:18 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
    • #5.2   AuntyBron

      You’re never too old for birthday parties – formal or otherwise. I’m 45 and I’m still waiting for one.

      Aug 16, 2008 at 1:02 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #6   secondsout bang

    Hide, everyone, there are terrorists in our midst! Wait, does that say “terrioze?” Never mind!

    Aug 14, 2008 at 8:39 pm   rating: 19  small thumbs up

    • #6.1   PandoraWombat bang

      Thank you Terrioze?

      Aug 14, 2008 at 8:52 pm   rating: 29  small thumbs up

       
    • #6.2   Timo

      ” I am so angry that I shall leave the grease stain of rage on the paper for all to see and add all the vowels to terror so you know I mean business!”

      Aug 14, 2008 at 9:23 pm   rating: 24  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #7   secondsout bang

    I would pick apart this guy’s spelling and grammar even further, but his inability to read the sentence about not bringing gifts is about all anyone needs to know about his intellect.

    Aug 14, 2008 at 8:40 pm   rating: 64  small thumbs up

     
  • #8   Canthz_B bang

    Kathy Lee Gifford…time to put Cody and Cassidy in the witness protection program because this note has given me the courage to do what I should have done years ago! :evil:

    Aug 14, 2008 at 8:41 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

    • #8.1   Claire

      Wait! Cathanz B! I was going to make you an animal ballon, but let me make you a revolver and a sword instead….TA DA! Okay, now you can go take care of business properly!

      Aug 15, 2008 at 5:24 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
    • #8.2   Claire

      Canthz B….deep felt apology for the misspelling…it was late…I was just back from a rigourous wine and cheese party….here, you may have an extra ride on the pony, Canthz B….and a complimentary ballon animal…and a baby cloth….

      Aug 15, 2008 at 1:23 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #8.3   anglophile bang

      Go ahead and just call him CB, Claire. All his harem women do.

      Aug 15, 2008 at 3:19 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

       
    • #8.4   Claire

      Aaaaahhh…..that would make it ever so much easier….

      Aug 15, 2008 at 7:20 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #8.5   Canthz_B bang

      Mylar balloon animal = silverfish.
      Eww 8-O

      Aug 17, 2008 at 1:08 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #8.6   aaa

      Or a centipede. Personally, I’d go with the centipede since they’re venomous.

      Aug 17, 2008 at 1:26 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #9   secondsout bang

    In the meantime, I’d rather slam my nuts in a car door than go to a birthday party for a one-year old.

    Aug 14, 2008 at 8:41 pm   rating: 54  small thumbs up

    • #9.1   Claire

      OUCH! Secondsout! Aren’t there any other alternatives? What if they were serving cold beer and having a NAKED pony leap out of a cake?

      Aug 15, 2008 at 5:25 am   rating: 8  small thumbs up

       
    • #9.2   HS

      As opposed to a fully clothed pony??
      Or a pony that has cloths?

      Aug 15, 2008 at 7:34 am   rating: 14  small thumbs up

       
    • #9.3   Red Letterboxer

      “In the meantime, I’d rather slam my nuts in a car door than go to a birthday party for a one-year old.”

      What kind of gift would I be expected to bring to that?

      Aug 15, 2008 at 9:22 am   rating: 39  small thumbs up

       
    • #9.4   Grade Ape

      My dear secondsout, don’t be to rash… a 1 year olds birthday party is indeed ostentatious… BUT… if the hosts are worth 2 shits they will (at the very least) have cold beer.

      Please refer back to my comment a few weeks ago about getting drunk and falling into the ficus.

      The bright side is, if you go to the FIRST one, you never have to attend that brat’s party again! Suck it up, have a drunken afternoon and you’re off the hook for life!

      Aug 15, 2008 at 11:53 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #9.5   Claire

      Wouldn’t it just be easier and less painfgul to simply RSVP “No, I will not be attending”…unless you are into slamming your nuts in a car door….

      Aug 15, 2008 at 1:24 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #9.6   CrapeDeus

      Somehow the re-animated, skinned corpse of a pony leaping out of a cake just doesn’t do it for me.
      Make it a dirty whore and I am so there.

      Aug 15, 2008 at 3:09 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #9.7   PandoraWombat bang

      Why does it have to be either/or?

      Aug 15, 2008 at 4:52 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #9.8   S&M

      Hmmm I think I may like you, possibly.

      Ah so a dirty whore riding a re-animated skinned pony in some sort of zombie donkey show.

      Yes excellent!

      Aug 15, 2008 at 5:02 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #9.9   Fern

      And starve while you’re there.

      Aug 18, 2008 at 9:23 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #9.10   eddy

      Ugh, I’ll second that. I have to go to a birthday party for another brat next month. Even though I should be exempt as I went to his first birthday party. Nevermind the fact that he’s my nephew – I just have NO desire to go. It’s not like I remember any birthday parties of my own from before I was maybe 4 or 5.

      It’s times like this I wish I HADN’T quit smoking so I’d have an excuse to hide outside for most of the thing.

      Wow, that turned into a bit of a rant, didn’t it?

      Aug 18, 2008 at 10:39 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #10   PandoraWombat bang

    I’ve never heard of BABY CLOTHS before. Are they made out of real babies?

    Aug 14, 2008 at 8:43 pm   rating: 25  small thumbs up

    • #10.1   secondsout bang

      I think Baby Cloths are the things they use to wipe their asses when they’re changing diapers. If the Schmidts knew the address of the sender, his mailbox would probably be full of them.

      Aug 14, 2008 at 8:44 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

       
    • #10.2   Canthz_B bang

      Baby cloths grow up to be bath towels. Although in America there is a growing Beach Towel epidemic!

      Aug 14, 2008 at 8:48 pm   rating: 37  small thumbs up

       
    • #10.3   Claire

      Baby cloths all aspire to be table cloths…then, one sniff of coconut oil suntan lotion, and they go bad…and become beach towels…Baby cloths which show an unnatural attraction toward porn often grow up to become loin cloths….

      Aug 15, 2008 at 5:27 am   rating: 14  small thumbs up

       
    • #10.4   kthxbai

      Why is being a beach towel a bad thing? What makes a table cloth better than a beach towel? HUH!?!?!?!?

      And if they liked porn wouldn’t they want to be jizz cloths?

      You’re a towel.

      Aug 29, 2008 at 3:34 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #10.5   Canthz_B bang

      Better than being an ass-wipe.

      Aug 29, 2008 at 4:05 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #11   secondsout bang

    If the note-writer had any sense of humor, he would gift wrap some porn and send it to the baby for her birthday.

    Aug 14, 2008 at 8:43 pm   rating: 25  small thumbs up

    • #11.1   Timo bang

      Little Anal Annie’s boxed set.

      “boxed”

      Aug 15, 2008 at 9:57 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #11.2   Claire

      I think the anger-management therapy group drop-out who wrote this note clearly lacks a sense of humour and probably is too selfish to give away any of his porn. Birthday parties are clearly sinful acts of pleasure for this guy (why do we assume the writer is male anyway?)…would be casually, mildly interesting to see what IS permissable…..

      Aug 16, 2008 at 6:31 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #12   PandoraWombat bang

    “WHY DO YOU HAVE TO BURDEN EVERY PERSON WITHIN HEARING RANGE…”

    So this guy decided to grow his fingernails really long so everyone could hear him type the email?

    Aug 14, 2008 at 8:46 pm   rating: 24  small thumbs up

     
  • #13   amy d bang

    And, if you order now, you’ll get this pair of complete asses. But, wait, there’s more!

    Aug 14, 2008 at 8:52 pm   rating: 15  small thumbs up

    • #13.1   Claire

      Do they sell baby cloths on E-bay? :)

      Aug 15, 2008 at 5:28 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #14   Canthz_B bang

    The email as seen by the note writer:

    Hello St. Luke’s family.
    We believe our child should have lots of gifts on her special day. A day which is special to the whole community. Her first birthday!
    Bring your kids and loads of money on 8-9-2008 to pay your tribute to Queen Madeleine.
    Are you without children? Barren? Impotent?
    Come share our joy and live vicariously through us. We’re perfect and so is our little Princess.

    Aug 14, 2008 at 8:59 pm   rating: 63  small thumbs up

    • #14.1   PandoraWombat bang

      Or perhaps:

      Give us lots of money and presents OR WE’LL TIE YOU DOWN AND FORCE YOU TO EAT CUCUMBER SANDWICHES!

      MUWAHAHAHAHAHA!

      Aug 14, 2008 at 9:03 pm   rating: 23  small thumbs up

       
    • #14.2   Miss Unloop

      Or maybe even:

      “Come to the brat’s party, or I’ll let the monkeys loose! People may not understand passive-aggressive notes, but they understands monkeys!”

      Aug 14, 2008 at 11:53 pm   rating: 20  small thumbs up

       
    • #14.3   Claire

      LMAO!!! Monkeys dressed in baby cloths!!!

      Aug 15, 2008 at 5:29 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #14.4   WhyAren'tUDeadYet

      Or perhaps even:

      “Come by on 8/8/8 since 8-9-2008 is one day too late and the sandwiches will be gone.”

      Once again proving my point that you don’t even READ the notes before you furiously dash off your ridiculous comments. 11 times. In under 20 minutes. Red Bull much?

      Aug 16, 2008 at 5:02 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #14.5   Sirius bang

      :D :D :D
      CB’s gay drunk stalker is back!

      (Heisa doesn’t like my html skills, but the link would have been to July 3rd, plate-shitting-dishwasher)

      Aug 16, 2008 at 6:09 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #14.6   Canthz_B bang

      No, you don’t read. The party was held on Saturday, August 9th.
      But keep trying there, Sparky ;-)

      Aug 16, 2008 at 7:07 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #14.7   Canthz_B bang

      Wrong twice in only four minutes (4:58 – 5:02), WAUDY. Is that a new record? :roll:

      Aug 16, 2008 at 8:20 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #15   Crash bang

    Funny, how the letter was sent via e-mail to their church congregation and they receive this hand written note by snail mail in return…

    WTF kind’a church do they go to ??

    Aug 14, 2008 at 8:59 pm   rating: 11  small thumbs up

    • #15.1   anglophile bang

      Well, since they’re from Minnesota, the safe bet would be Lutheran. ;)

      Aug 14, 2008 at 9:05 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

       
    • #15.2   PandoraWombat bang

      They worship Lex Luthor?

      Aug 14, 2008 at 9:06 pm   rating: 55  small thumbs up

       
    • #15.3   Schuyler Hauser bang

      Luthor nailed his 95 theses to the door of the Fortress of Solitude.

      Aug 14, 2008 at 11:17 pm   rating: 47  small thumbs up

       
    • #15.4   abeliever

      Well, when you think about it Martin Luther’s 95 theses were really just a very long passive aggressive note…sixteenth century style.

      Aug 15, 2008 at 2:58 am   rating: 97  small thumbs up

       
    • #15.5   Canthz_B bang

      The Pope called them the 95 Bovine Feces.
      Damned radical reformers with their ideas and shit. Fucking non-conformists.

      FSM rules all.

      Aug 15, 2008 at 3:22 am   rating: 8  small thumbs up

       
    • #15.6   Mark bang

      Ah, CB, I see you too have been touched by His Noodley Appendage.

      All hail the FSM! Ramen.

      Aug 15, 2008 at 10:51 am   rating: 9  small thumbs up

       
    • #15.7   tami

      it has to be catholic if it’s a “st.” church. nobody else has saints. (that i know of)

      Aug 15, 2008 at 4:28 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #15.8   S&M

      Wrong, other religions do have saints and other religions give their churches Saint names.

      Aug 15, 2008 at 4:42 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #15.9   unholyghost2003 bang

      WOW. I was going to tease S&M about the whole “wrong” thing .. but s/he is right. No only do MANY other religions have Saints and name their churches for them but there is a ST. Luke’s LUTHERAN Church only 20 min from Rochester (in Bellchester). It is more likely that they attend ST. Luke’s Episcopal Church right there in Rochester. (My own history with nasty, spiteful, elderly Episcopalians tells me this is probably their church.)

      Aug 15, 2008 at 5:08 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #15.10   Claire

      We can only hope the cucumber sandwiches will be gone by 9th August…

      I really thought the only places in which anyone actually served cucumber sandwiches anymore were in pseudo-British tea parties and in Agatha Christie novels….

      Aug 16, 2008 at 6:34 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #15.11   Miss Unloop

      If it were indeed an Episcopal church, the proper refreshments would have been pimiento cheese or chicken salad sandwiches with the crusts cut off. Cucumber sandwiches sound so british – perhaps they are Anglicans…

      Aug 16, 2008 at 10:05 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #15.12   MAMARILLA2 bang

      Curiosity… what particular theology base indulges in the famed watercress sandwich?

      Aug 17, 2008 at 10:22 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #16   Writer, Rejected

    Maybe the crazy dude is just pissed about “Mr. Schmidt’s Always Wrong Weather Show” and he’s taking it out on Princess’ party invitation. Did you ever think of that? (Not a very good name for weather programming, btw.)

    Aug 14, 2008 at 9:12 pm   rating: 36  small thumbs up

    • #16.1   Timo

      Man that IS a shitty name for a weather program.

      Aug 14, 2008 at 9:27 pm   rating: 17  small thumbs up

       
    • #16.2   amy d bang

      *sings*

      Lowered expectations

      Aug 14, 2008 at 9:33 pm   rating: 19  small thumbs up

       
    • #16.3   ama

      if it’s ALWAYS wrong, that could be useful too! bring an umbrella honey, Mr. Schmidt says it’s a sunshine and daisies, cucumber sandwiches picnic kind of day!

      Aug 14, 2008 at 9:49 pm   rating: 18  small thumbs up

       
    • #16.4   GhostWriter bang

      …in which case, Mr. Schmidt should be broadcasting, “My daughter Madeleine isn’t having her first birthday on 8/8/8, and none of you are invited to our little party. However, please send gifts.”

      Aug 15, 2008 at 9:59 am   rating: 7  small thumbs up

       
    • #16.5   Claire

      “And just for Madeleine and her cucumber sandwich eating friends, we predict sunny skies and lots of white fluffy clouds…Ooh! I see a horsie and a doggie…and a…a…are we on the air LIVE???”

      Aren’t cucumbers bad for one year olds to eat?

      Aug 16, 2008 at 6:39 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #17   Canthz_B bang

    They call the wind Terrioze!

    Aug 14, 2008 at 9:15 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

    • #17.1   Canthz_B bang

      Skipped a generation! LOL

      Aug 15, 2008 at 2:30 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #17.2   Timo bang

      No no I got it CB…I just ran into Moriah and MAN is she pissed!

      Aug 15, 2008 at 10:00 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #18   Mishee bang

    I am speechless.

    And how often does that happen??

    Aug 14, 2008 at 9:16 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #18.1   amy d bang

      Well, you did manage to type a comment.

      Aug 14, 2008 at 9:19 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

       
    • #18.2   Canthz_B bang

      The point is ‘mute’? 8-O

      Aug 14, 2008 at 9:31 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
    • #18.3   Canthz_B bang

      The response to the RSVP (if they had known who sent it) should have been:

      “So you’ll be attending then?”

      Aug 14, 2008 at 10:02 pm   rating: 23  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #19   Canthz_B bang

    Nothing sunny and mild about this note!
    It’s about time someone rained on the weatherman’s parade for a change.

    Aug 14, 2008 at 9:23 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #20   ellemarie bang

    you truely lack the necessary English language and social skills required even for everyday hate mail– that doesn’t say to much for your parents.

    Aug 14, 2008 at 9:37 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

    • #20.1   Wade bang

      Just because the note writer has the language skills 1 year oldes oldss, does’nt mean they should’nt anounce it.

      Otherwise the terriozists win.

      Aug 14, 2008 at 9:48 pm   rating: 23  small thumbs up

       
    • #20.2   Canthz_B bang

      ROTFL, Wade!

      This does make me think of homework time in early grade school when my mom would say “You can’t hand that in. Write it over with no crossing out.”
      Hurrying so as not to miss “The Courtship of Eddie’s Father” or some such show.

      Aug 14, 2008 at 10:06 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #20.3   Canthz_B bang

      I still think Mrs. Livingston was giving it up to Eddie’s father (me love you long time), the Professor was really being taught a thing or two by the Nanny, and the Ghost was doing un-Godly things to Mrs. Muir.

      Aug 14, 2008 at 10:14 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #20.4   Timo bang

      Mrs Livingston could do things that would make a man weep with joy.

      I am so glad no one brought up the unspeakable things Mr. French was doing.

      Aug 15, 2008 at 10:02 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #20.5   Canthz_B bang

      He didn’t call her ‘Miss Buffy’ for nothing! :twisted:

      Aug 16, 2008 at 1:37 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #20.6   Claire

      You know, in real life, the butlers, nannies, and the ghosts aren’t have as handsome/lovely/dashing as the ones on the telly.
      Aah…Bonanza! Where men were men and cows ran scared!

      Aug 16, 2008 at 6:43 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #20.7   Canthz_B bang

      …and Hop Sing could prepare you a mess of beef stew!

      Aug 16, 2008 at 7:02 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #20.8   S&M

      Ah and “Big Valley” which made me fantasize about a lasso and some hayloft bondage!

      Aug 18, 2008 at 9:36 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #21   ama

    cucumber sandwich total….minus one

    this note truely looks like it was written by a one-year-old. does’nt it.

    Aug 14, 2008 at 9:43 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

     
  • #22   Canthz_B bang

    What a comfort to know of the love one can find within a local church community.

    The Smith family is sad to announce the death of our dear matriarch, Agnes Boynton Smith. The funeral will be preceded by a wake on 8-9-2008 at St. Luke’s. viewing begins at 1pm.

    WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM US? MONEY? FLOWERS? SYMPATHY? EMOTIONAL SUPPORT? STOP TERRORIZING US AND PLANT THE OLD BITCH!!

    Aug 14, 2008 at 9:48 pm   rating: 99  small thumbs up

    • #22.1   AJLonesome bang

      That’s what I was thinking, CB. This is supposedly someone who worships with these people.
      Sounds like a real warm bunch of folks at St. Luke’s.

      Now this person will probably show up to rule himself out as a suspect. :)

      Aug 15, 2008 at 10:21 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #22.2   Juliet

      When I saw this note I had to wonder why that note-writer even bothers with church as he (I’m assuming it is an old, arthritic man) clearly is not demonstrating the Christian values espoused by the church. If he didn’t want to go, why not just say thanks, but he couldn’t make it?

      And, weather predicting isn’t an exact science. That is why is called predicting, not “weather guaranteeing”.

      Aug 15, 2008 at 11:29 am   rating: 9  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #23   punkypower bang

    Jeebus, take a chill pill, Unibomber. Methinks this dude is jealous that he never had his own backyard cucumber sandwich party.

    Aug 14, 2008 at 10:12 pm   rating: 25  small thumbs up

    • #23.1   aaa

      Psst… It’s Unabomber.

      Aug 15, 2008 at 12:53 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #23.2   unshiftmethod bang

      Damn it, Kaczynski! They gave you internet access?!

      Aug 15, 2008 at 2:09 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #23.3   secondsout bang

      No, this is someone new. The Unibomber is trying to destroy the unitent and the storage unit of unitards.

      Aug 15, 2008 at 5:18 pm   rating: 16  small thumbs up

       
    • #23.4   punkypower bang

      What are you, his mom? Besides, if he only has one bomb, then he really would be the Unibomber.

      Aug 15, 2008 at 5:54 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #23.5   chick bang

      no, no, the Unibomber is a bomber wearing the unitard.

      Aug 16, 2008 at 4:36 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #23.6   Claire

      Clearly if anyone has ever HAD to wear a unitard in public, that in itself robs one of goodwill toward his/her fellow man….

      [Claire shudders recalling an entire year of college modern dance classes in which performances were given with the entire class wearing....the horror....multicolored unitards....ooooohhh!]

      Aug 16, 2008 at 6:48 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #23.7   Xtroll

      Or maybe he was thinking unickbomber and just forgot the c & k.
      I know the actual spelling is eunuch but according to the Urban Dictionary unick is the americanized version.

      Aug 17, 2008 at 10:38 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #24   Agent Inspired

    That is some real overkill to a party invitation.

    And a nice day to you, too, sir!

    Aug 14, 2008 at 10:18 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

     
  • #25   Steph

    Aww, he used to do the weather in my hometown.

    Aug 14, 2008 at 10:31 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

     
  • #26   James

    MR + MRS SCHMIDT!
    THANK YOU! TERRIFIC! FANTASITC!
    THIS TEA PARTY SOUNDS LOVELY!
    I’D BE GLAD TO COME!
    LET ME JUST SCRAWL IT DOWN IN MY PLANNER MANIACALLY!
    DONE!
    I WAS JUST SCREAMING IN MY WIFE’S FACE ABOUT HOW WE HAVEN’T BEEN INVITED TO MANY SOCIAL OCCASIONS LATELY!
    MAYBE IT HAS SOMETHING TO DO WITH MY AGGRESSIVE YELLING AND WRITING IN CAPS!
    KIND REGARDS!
    P.S. DON’T LET ME TOO CLOSE TO YOUR DAUGHTER, I TEND TO MORTIFY CHILDREN!!!!!!!!!!

    Aug 14, 2008 at 10:37 pm   rating: 80  small thumbs up

    • #26.1   punkypower bang

      LOL – screaming in my wife’s face. I love this place!

      Aug 15, 2008 at 12:08 am   rating: 7  small thumbs up

       
    • #26.2   PandoraWombat bang

      #26: FUNNIEST. COMMENT. EVAR!!

      Aug 16, 2008 at 3:33 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #26.3   Claire

      Bravo, James! Bravo!

      Aug 16, 2008 at 6:49 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #27   Quite Contrary bang

    I’m thinking the deranged note writer doesn’t like cucumber sandwiches, but couldn’t bring himself to admit that.

    Aug 14, 2008 at 11:07 pm   rating: 13  small thumbs up

    • #27.1   Guest99

      but they’re burpless… seriously.

      Aug 15, 2008 at 12:31 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #27.2   djr

      And is that not enough reason to hate? I think it is.

      Aug 15, 2008 at 5:15 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #27.3   chick bang

      There is a proverb in Egypt (where I live currently) that says “Life is like a cucumber – one days it’s in your hand, the next it’s up your ass.” I think this guy might have just experienced the second state, (perhaps the cucumber is still stuck up there?) and therefore the mention of cucumber sandwiches in the invitation set off a psychotic episode he might never return from.

      Aug 16, 2008 at 5:00 am   rating: 8  small thumbs up

       
    • #27.4   Claire

      LOL! You may be on to something, chick!

      Which recalls an old Sumarian saying, “Tis better to have one cucumber upon plate, I fear, than two big ones stuffed up your rear!” Ah…the Sumarians….

      Aug 16, 2008 at 6:52 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #27.5   Holiday Djinn

      Not your typical way to pickle a cucumber, but whatever works. . . . .

      Aug 19, 2008 at 7:34 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #28   agirlie

    http://www.kttc.com/Global/story.asp?S=8232005

    Ted seems nice, the writer is just jealous. We always say no gifts, we just like to party…apparently the sender doth not like to party-eth. I would feel like giving him his very own cucumber. A very gracious couple not to go nuts.

    Aug 14, 2008 at 11:30 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

    • #28.1   Numinous bang

      His grin disturbs me.

      Aug 15, 2008 at 8:59 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #28.2   Timo bang

      There is a disturbing gum to tooth ratio going on…

      GO SALUKIS!!!

      Aug 15, 2008 at 10:05 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #28.3   aaa

      He reminds me of Harold from Monk.

      Although this photo isn’t nearly as funny as the ones the faculty of universities and medical practices put on their websites. Those ones look like they went to the nearest middle school on picture day and managed to sneak in unnoticed among the little preteens.

      Aug 15, 2008 at 12:49 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #28.4   djr

      He looks like he might eat children. Perhaps the PA notewriter isn’t as psychotic as we all think. PERHAPS, Mr. Always Wrong About The Weather hosts these shindigs quite often and throws murderous rages about a lack of gifts. Maybe “cucumber sandwitches” is psycho-code for “baby meat sandwiches.”

      Or maybe PAN writer is just an ass.

      Aug 15, 2008 at 5:22 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
    • #28.5   Canthz_B bang

      I clicked the link, but had no idea I was about to see a picture of the result of a limited gene pool.

      Aug 16, 2008 at 1:35 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #29   Mrs. Schmidt

    Oh my, how you all have reinforced what a fantastic idea it was to send in this postcard! I’m laughing so hard I’m crying. Thank you so much for all your funny comments! They really take the sting out of the absurd postcard. You picked up on errors I didn’t even notice. Baby cloths grow up to be bath/beach towels?! Priceless!

    Thank you!

    Aug 14, 2008 at 11:40 pm   rating: 56  small thumbs up

     
  • #30   Miss Unloop

    Cucumber sandwiches, eh? Oooh, we’re too POSH for the requisite Minnesota “coffee and bars” party refreshments, are we? Shall we partake of the sandwiches on the setee? That is, provided there are enough to go around… I NEVER seem to have enough myself. DAMN that Labour party!

    Aug 14, 2008 at 11:59 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #30.1   PandoraWombat bang

      OH OH. No more buttered scones for me Mater, I’m off to play the grand piano. Pardon me while I fly my aeroplane…

      Sorry, possessed by Monty Python for a moment.

      Aug 15, 2008 at 7:33 am   rating: 11  small thumbs up

       
    • #30.2   Timo bang

      Damn you Pandora and your sparkling word play I was going to say oooh I am off to play the grand piano but noooo you swooped in and got it.

      Look there is a penguin on the telly.

      Aug 15, 2008 at 10:07 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #30.3   Wade bang

      BOOM!!

      Aug 15, 2008 at 10:16 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #30.4   PandoraWombat bang

      Penguins. Yes, penguins. What do these comic, flightless, web-footed little bastards have to do with science? Well, strangely enough, quite a lot…

      Aug 15, 2008 at 4:59 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #30.5   Miss Unloop

      What does a girl have to do to get an informative documentary on the reproductive habits of mollusks around here?!?

      Aug 16, 2008 at 10:10 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #30.6   glastonberry

      Ah yes, Graham Chapman, I love that skit.

      Aug 18, 2008 at 6:59 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #31   raiseyourglass

    Can’t you read between the lines? He talks all sweetness and cucumber sandwiches but those, those smiley faces that just says satan!

    http://www.jibjab.com/view/244415

    Aug 15, 2008 at 12:20 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

     
  • #32   BurstingAtTheSeams

    Does anybody else think this note was written via left-handed by somebody who was right-handed, or vice versa?

    Aug 15, 2008 at 12:28 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

    • #32.1   Crash bang

      I just thought it was written by a smart 3 year old…

      Aug 15, 2008 at 12:41 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #32.2   Canthz_B bang

      A smart 3-year old what? Lemur?

      Aug 15, 2008 at 12:53 am   rating: 24  small thumbs up

       
    • #32.3   Crash bang

      A smart 3 year old drunken Lemur…
      It’s evolution, man. 8)

      Aug 15, 2008 at 1:07 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #32.4   Canthz_B bang

      You say you want an evolution, well you know…

      Aug 15, 2008 at 1:26 am   rating: 9  small thumbs up

       
    • #32.5   nic

      my first thought exactly (to #32)

      Aug 15, 2008 at 9:45 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #33   Canthz_B bang

    What they failed to submit to us is that there was a follow-up note written after the note writer re-read the invitation that said:

    From:
    Miss Emily Litella,

    Nevermind.

    Aug 15, 2008 at 12:51 am   rating: 13  small thumbs up

    • #33.1   Crash bang

      From :
      The substitute ( Sunday ) school teacher,

      I’m sorry, it’ll never happen again…bitch.

      Aug 15, 2008 at 1:03 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #33.2   PandoraWombat bang

      I see you have invoked the spirit of Gilda Radner. Well done, my children.

      Aug 15, 2008 at 9:42 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #33.3   Miss Unloop

      …and then I saw Dr. Joyce Brothers with a little piece of cucumber right on the corner of her mouth. I thought I was gonna DIE!

      It’s ALWAYS something.

      Aug 16, 2008 at 10:12 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #34   Canthz_B bang

    Hidden between the lines is a message from an abusive household:

    Please call ahead of time. Bring 9 scones if you come with a guest, or come alone if you’d like.

    Aug 15, 2008 at 1:16 am   rating: 12  small thumbs up

     
  • #35   secondsout bang

    This thing looks like it’s written on an etch-a-sketch.

    Aug 15, 2008 at 2:19 am   rating: 17  small thumbs up

     
  • #36   Crash bang

    O.K
    e-mail invitation to church, tea party for one year old = terrioze community…

    Say’s the anonymouse note writer who disguises their handwriting in a psychopathic serial killer kind of way ?

    Ya’…makes sense to me :?

    Aug 15, 2008 at 2:34 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #36.1   Numinous bang

      Anony-mouse? I hadn’t considered that rodents might be upset.

      Aug 15, 2008 at 9:02 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #36.2   unholyghost2003 bang

      Mickey is VERY Angry

      Aug 15, 2008 at 9:09 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #36.3   Mishee bang

      ghostie – you have no idea

      Aug 15, 2008 at 9:16 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #36.4   Sirius bang

      That anony-mouse rodent is crazier than a Schmidt-house rat!

      Aug 15, 2008 at 12:55 pm   rating: 10  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #37   Crash bang

    I guess there can’t be too many people terrorizing the community at one time. :roll:

    Aug 15, 2008 at 2:48 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #38   JillySue

    The only way this could have been creepier would have been with words cut out of magazines.

    Hierarchy of creepy print communication: typed–>handwritten–>handwritten all caps–>magazine cut out words

    Aug 15, 2008 at 3:09 am   rating: 25  small thumbs up

    • #38.1   Quite Contrary bang

      Actually I think it is:

      Hierarchy of creepy print communication: typed–>handwritten–>handwritten all caps–>magazine cut out words->internet blogs->internet chatter monitored by government agencies->inspires L&O ripped from the headlines episode

      Aug 15, 2008 at 8:35 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #39   VentureSister

    Not even in a sarcastic way, but I wonder if a child wrote this? The spelling errors and the handwriting look about the level I was at when I was 10(?) or so, just the right age to cause mischief and write harassing anonymous notes to people. Also, what adult calls people Mr. and Mrs. Schmidt? I dunno, maybe it’s just me, but I feel as though adults call each other by the first name if they are acquainted. Maybe this guy is a total fringe weirdo who isn’t on a first name basis, but I honestly see this as some kind of stupid prank, very similar to shit I pulled as a child.

    Still, with only a few hundred names I would drive myself up the wall trying to figure it out. But I’ve always been the detective type. Good on you two for not letting it get to you too much! :)

    Aug 15, 2008 at 5:48 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #39.1   Jais

      I don’t think so actually, it’s not like a child to act so offended at the thought of someone creating a gift-grabbing opportunity (despite it being specified as not needing gifts lol)

      Aug 15, 2008 at 7:47 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #39.2   unholyghost2003 bang

      To me this reads like an elderly person wrote it. All caps is a popular way for old people to write if their hands tremble (which would explain the squiggly letters). This guy (maybe gal, but I am thinking guy) is elderly, probably no more than one generation removed from Norway, and he is angry because church is for GOD and these local celebrities joined his church with their pretty little girl. He hates the Shmidts because before they showed up a few good glares from him and people remembered their place … now he is ignored while people play with the baby and crack bad jokes trying to impress the weather guy.

      Aug 15, 2008 at 8:24 am   rating: 15  small thumbs up

       
    • #39.3   Wade bang

      I wonder if the notewriter winters in Florida… and sells rings on eBay.

      Aug 15, 2008 at 8:48 am   rating: 14  small thumbs up

       
    • #39.4   timo

      Well yah don’t cha know them Schmidts are damn Germans. The letterwriter is a Norwegian bachelor farmer and the weather is important to him. Them damn Schmidts with that baby who cries sometimes during the sermon. Oh fer gosh sakes they carry that thing with them where ever they go and she is not very cute. If it if it were up to Oly they should leave her in the fields and let the crows at her. But all this fuss and drawing attention to themselves. Show business types they have no christian modesty!

      Aug 15, 2008 at 9:42 am   rating: 15  small thumbs up

       
    • #39.5   Bunnee

      It looks like the old guy wrote it in pencil first, and then wrote over it in pen. Poor, creepy, angry, zealous old man…

      Aug 15, 2008 at 11:29 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #39.6   Grade Ape

      I just gotta add to the thread that “I LOVE your screen name!”

      Aug 15, 2008 at 12:43 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #39.7   Bunnee

      Whose screen name, Grade Ape?

      Aug 15, 2008 at 3:43 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #39.8   Grade Ape

      Venture Sister’s of course… one glance had me imagining idiotic female versions of Hank and Dean. Like, super freakout!

      Aug 15, 2008 at 6:33 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #40   philos

    I bet this guy would’ve brought the best gift, lunatics usually do.

    Aug 15, 2008 at 6:42 am   rating: 15  small thumbs up

     
  • #41   gwennie

    i bet the schmidts’ cucumber sandwiches are fucking delicious and terriozers probably, too.

    Aug 15, 2008 at 6:53 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #41.1   chick bang

      i think you would be sentenced to the unitard for that comment, but unfortunately it’s occupied by the Unibomber right now. what to do?

      Aug 16, 2008 at 5:10 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #41.2   gwennie

      what? i cannot have the unitard? *sigh*

      Aug 16, 2008 at 12:58 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #41.3   snee

      nah, there are always enough unitards to go around.

      *rustles around in the Big Bag O’ Unitards*

      ah. here you go. hope you like stripes!

      Aug 16, 2008 at 5:04 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #42   secretrebel

    Bwahahaha. Well done, Mrs Schmidt, the best revenge is one served up on the interweb for the delectation of the PAN crew.

    Parties for babies aren’t my bag, but yours seems anything but a solicitation for gifts. I think your note-writer didn’t get enough toys (and hugs) as a child and is projecting his bitterness.

    Aug 15, 2008 at 7:26 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

     
  • #43   HS

    I think an old person wrote the note.
    A. They wrote a note- but I guess if they emailed, that would identify them.
    B. It looks like an old person hand-writing.
    C. Who actually watches the weather besides old people, and then enough to know the aforementioned weatherman is always wrong?!
    D. The spelling errors seem like an old person, too.
    E. The letter-writer says now they have heard everything. Younger and middle-aged people haven’t been around long enough to ‘hear everything.’
    :)

    Aug 15, 2008 at 7:42 am   rating: 8  small thumbs up

    • #43.1   agirlie

      Totally old person, never really thought about it, great insight!

      Aug 15, 2008 at 10:23 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #43.2   SarahBelle

      You apparently don’t understand Minnesota. It’s a state that lives by the news, especially the weather.
      On at ten, noon, five, six, eight, nine and ten.

      Aug 18, 2008 at 12:03 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #44   Morgan

    Send out a raffle invitation, and see who replies “I WANT TO WIN THE THING GIVE ME IT.”

    Aug 15, 2008 at 8:00 am   rating: 14  small thumbs up

     
  • #45   GhostWriter bang

    Madeleine is hosting the party.

    She hosts all the parties.

    Once, someone else tried to host their own party of sorts. Really, it was just a small gathering of four ladies having tea.

    To say, “They quickly separated” would literally be correct. Fred suddenly found himself wearing a sanitation engineer’s outfit, assigned the unenviable task of cleaning up.

    No one has hosted a party since.

    Mrs. Schmidt’s hands trembled when she read the note. Not from rage or insult, but rather from fear.

    Madeleine would find out about the note. Madeleine always knew. If Mrs. Schmidt knew her daughter, this note, and the author, would become the feature focus of the party.

    Mr. Schmidt, sensing doom, read the note over Mrs. Schmidt’s shoulder.

    “It will be a lovely party!” he said, quaking in fear.

    Aug 15, 2008 at 8:57 am   rating: 14  small thumbs up

     
  • #46   Red Letterboxer

    It’s more fun if you read the note as if it was addressed to the baby.

    Aug 15, 2008 at 9:02 am   rating: 13  small thumbs up

     
  • #47   Damn its cold

    Have you ever been to Rochester, MN? How can the weather report be wrong? It’s gonna snow.

    Aug 15, 2008 at 9:10 am   rating: 7  small thumbs up

    • #47.1   Quite Contrary bang

      Maybe Mr. Schmidt is really Steve Martin from LA Story, where the weather was always 70 degrees.

      Aug 15, 2008 at 9:25 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #47.2   SarahBelle

      It doesn’t snow in August. Besides, there’s all kinds of levels of snow. Maybe they’ll just give up with precise weather descriptions of how much and what kind of snow we’ll get and just switch to something similar to the terrorism threat level.
      Green: Late spring to early fall: no snow, unless it’s a fluke.
      Blue: Early spring and late fall: Some light snow, usually melts within a day or two
      Yellow, Orange and Red: Boy you’re really screwed now. Just pack a shovel in your trunk and make sure your car has the de-icer washer fluid. Maybe you should just work from home.

      Aug 18, 2008 at 12:09 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #48   Goldie

    I happen to know both sides, and here’s what really happened. Last winter, on his program, Mr. Schmidt promised eight inches within the next 24 hours. The anonymous note-writer waited… and waited… and the eight inches never came. She’s getting frustrated because hey, her time is running out. The woman is freakin 72! She says at this point, she can settle for six inches, or five even! Come on Mr. Schmidt, you can do it.

    Aug 15, 2008 at 9:25 am   rating: 9  small thumbs up

    • #48.1   Paintball "Punk"

      Give her eight inches and make it hurt!

      Aug 15, 2008 at 9:35 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #48.2   Juliet

      PASHY – this joke never gets old!

      Aug 15, 2008 at 11:35 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #48.3   CrapeDeus

      Go on Schmiddy get yer Doppler right into that ol’ funnel cloud.

      Giggity Goo!

      Aug 15, 2008 at 3:16 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #48.4   unholyghost2003 bang

      High Pressure front coming through!

      Aug 15, 2008 at 3:27 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #49   Paintball "Punk"

    This PA note has only been surpassed in awesome by the commentary. I love this place!

    Aug 15, 2008 at 9:35 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

     
  • #50   GhostWriter bang

    The Schmidts’ talk a good game, but we all know that the line, “No gifts necessary – your presence is present enough” wasn’t included in the original email…

    Aug 15, 2008 at 9:37 am   rating: 8  small thumbs up

    • #50.1   Grade Ape

      Aha… Ghost has got it!

      It WAS originally an unabashed demand for gifts. But the Schmidts knew that we’d tear them up without remorse. So they played the spin and hastily added that sticky sweet line before submitting.

      Please, join Ghost and myself in chorus…
      “Boo Schmidts, Booooooo!”

      Aug 15, 2008 at 12:54 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #51   Crinkle Crinkle

    Pfft… I’m with the old fella.

    If the sprat is turning one, how the fuck is she gonna “host” a party? Is she gonna top up peoples drinks and mingle? Is she gonna go around ‘coupling up’ the singles, and then make a speech after sandwiches?

    No. She ain’t hosting shit.

    Don’t be fooled by the grab for endearment either- the only reason “your presence is present enough” is because gifts for 1 year olds are either clothes that fit the kid for 3 weeks or worthless fucking trinkets.

    Old angry Joe might be loco, but at least he’s not part of a Church “family”. Stepfords like these hide gimps in the basement.

    Aug 15, 2008 at 9:38 am   rating: 13  small thumbs up

     
  • #52   ml

    apparently he missed the part that said, “gifts aren’t necessary”…

    Aug 15, 2008 at 10:13 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

     
  • #53   agong

    I see the note writer as an old scottish guy aka “willie the groundskeeper”, it looks like he may have been having a stroke .

    Aug 15, 2008 at 10:23 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

     
  • #54   agong

    haha yes VERY grandpa !

    Aug 15, 2008 at 10:36 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #55   quietplease

    did jeffrey leave us? shhhhh….
    (and now i can rest)

    Aug 15, 2008 at 10:59 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #56   MW

    Can you WASPS please quit naming your “princesses” Madeline?!? *blows head off*

    Aug 15, 2008 at 11:56 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

    • #56.1   katrina

      am wondering if MW’s first name is Madeline……

      Aug 15, 2008 at 12:11 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #56.2   Mrs. Schmidt

      Um, if you’re going to blow your head off over something, at least spell it right Grandpa Simpson – it’s Madeleine.

      Aug 15, 2008 at 7:00 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

       
    • #56.3   Canthz_B bang

      And that makes all of the difference between the mundane and the special! :roll:

      Aug 15, 2008 at 8:10 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #57   aaa

    So the Schmidts were expecting 20 to 30 people. I would’ve laughed my ass off if nobody RSVPed and all 200 people showed up. I would’ve laughed until I vomited my organs out if the reply-writer showed up and made a scene.

    The party was a week ago. Anything exciting happen, Mr. and Mrs. Schmidt?

    Aug 15, 2008 at 12:39 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

    • #57.1   Mrs. Schmidt

      Actually – the party was really lovely! We had about 30 people there. All of whom RSVPd :)

      Aug 15, 2008 at 7:02 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #57.2   aaa

      That’s good that your guests follow proper etiquette like good humans should. Although I still would’ve been amused by an overabundance of guests. Ahhh… Schadenfreude…

      Aug 15, 2008 at 11:11 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #57.3   Amy

      They all RSVP’d?! You do live in the Midwest, don’t you?

      Aug 16, 2008 at 1:04 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #57.4   Canthz_B bang

      It’s great that they all RSVP’d.
      I remember my first year birthday party and…wait, no…I have no recollection of that auspicious day.

      Aug 16, 2008 at 2:05 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #57.5   nonnernont

      If you had vomited your organs out, I would have lost it and probably slipped on your spleen or something, causing me to hit my head on the corner of the picnic table, triggering my seizure condition. I bet people would have thought I was joking, but I would’ve been having a seizure. You bastards.

      Aug 25, 2008 at 8:39 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #58   Nikki

    I can’t believe the nerve of these people! Wanting to feed me cake and cucumber sandwiches. Some people’s children.

    Aug 15, 2008 at 2:24 pm   rating: 12  small thumbs up

     
  • #59   Lurker

    I’m waiting for Madeleine
    In front of the Schmidt’s backyard,
    Every night at half past ten,
    Madeleine, loves birthday cards!
    I’m waiting for Madeleine
    We’ll go down and Mom will make,
    Some sammiches with cucumbers,
    Madeleine loves birthday cake!

    Aug 15, 2008 at 2:54 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

     
  • #60   ama

    all they want to do is *bang bang bang bang* and *ka-ching* and take your monay….

    ahhh get out of my head, you.

    Aug 15, 2008 at 4:14 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #61   Wisterya

    He’s obviously very angry over the cucumber sandwiches… Obviously…

    Aug 15, 2008 at 5:05 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #61.1   aaa

      He’s upset that the cucumber sandwiches weren’t made with English cucumbers. The regular ones come back on him.

      Aug 15, 2008 at 11:17 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #62   Grade Ape

    In Soviet Russia, every person within hearing range burdens you…

    Shameless, but I’ve been dying to get one in!

    Aug 15, 2008 at 8:32 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

     
  • #63   PandoraWombat bang

    I really like the idea of combining PAN with lolspeak.

    MY PSYCHOSIS
    LET ME SHOW YOU IT

    i can has restraining order?

    Aug 15, 2008 at 9:49 pm   rating: 17  small thumbs up

     
  • #64   Amy

    Ted enjoys the outdoors, traveling, volunteering at his church, watching his favorite sports teams, and of course spending time with his wife, Cara, their daughter Madeleine, and their dogs Kellie Collie and Lucy.

    WHY DO YOU HAVE TO BURDEN EVERYONE WHO VISITS THIS WEBSITE TO BUY DOG BISCUITS FOR YOUR STUPID DOGS. AND A CARD.

    (Um, this was supposed to be a response to 28.)

    Aug 16, 2008 at 1:00 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

     
  • #65   Canthz_B bang

    Using his daughter’s birthday party as a means of laundering weather protection money is just wrong. He should stop “terriozing” the community.

    Aug 16, 2008 at 1:50 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #66   Bikerbabeee

    Damn, I go on a little web leave and this place explodes in snarky awesomeness! I missed y’all!

    Aug 16, 2008 at 1:58 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #67   Tuesday

    I think I’m with the unabomber on this one. People that refer to their daughters as “little princess” makes me want to shove cucumbers in their …

    ears.

    Aug 16, 2008 at 9:20 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

    • #67.1   aaa

      My parents always referred to me as their little gravy train.

      Aug 16, 2008 at 10:38 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #67.2   anglophile bang

      Mine always referred to me as The Mistake.

      Aug 16, 2008 at 10:42 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #67.3   snee

      mine always referred to me as snee. *shrug*

      Aug 16, 2008 at 5:07 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #67.4   Canthz_B bang

      At least you gals were referred to. :cry:

      Aug 17, 2008 at 12:50 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #67.5   Lurker

      My mother called me her little Timex.

      Aug 18, 2008 at 3:43 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #68   Woman on the Verge

    If I bring a gift, am I excused from eating the cucumber sandwiches?

    I think the cucumber sandwiches were a way of making sure the party was small. Nobody eats those, do they?

    Aug 16, 2008 at 9:58 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #68.1   MAMARILLA2

      ah… the cucumber sandwich… the best way to ensure that all the beer and chips get to stay with you. After all, only polite old schoolmarms will indulge in an afternoon tea and wouldn’t dream of allowing alcoholic beverages to pass between their thin lips. Say your serving cucumber sandwiches and you’re alone.

      Aug 16, 2008 at 3:03 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #68.2   aaa

      I’m secretly an old lady, so I must admit that I do enjoy cucumber sandwiches.

      Aug 17, 2008 at 12:28 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #69   Dennis bang

    Listen, I have little but disdain for children and the people who produce them, but how on earth can you get that upset at a Minnesotan? If one tries to terrioze me into eating cucumber sandwiches for free, sure I’m upset, furious even, but once they throw in a “doncha know,” all is forgiven.

    Aug 16, 2008 at 8:25 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

     
  • #70   turtled bang

    I think there are two Minnesotan facts that explain the note-writer’s anger:

    1. Any offer or request must be repeated 3 times. Because the email only said it once, to not bring gifts, it doesn’t count.

    2. Lush gardens mean that produce has negative value in August. The polite thing would be to ask people to BRING cucumber or zucchini sandwiches to the party. Two slices of bread is a small price to pay for disposing of an excess cuke!

    Aug 16, 2008 at 9:30 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

     
  • #71   Canthz_B bang

    I think we all know which lady finger the note writer is giving to the Schmidts.

    Aug 16, 2008 at 10:03 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

     
  • #72   Woman on the Verge

    Cucumber sandwiches: Terrorism for beginners.

    Aug 17, 2008 at 12:33 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #73   just_me

    ok, maybe someone mentioned this before, but i’m certain that this note writer would have written a similarly pissy p/a note had the Schmidts NOT sent out an open invitation. the writer would have been just livid about being excluded from their elite party for their litte princess.

    Aug 17, 2008 at 10:55 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

     
  • #74   RP

    Clearly the Schmidt family should be concerned that one of their congregation is completely barking mad and be more selective about whom they invite to their house in the future.

    Aug 18, 2008 at 11:10 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

     
  • #75   Joy McGreedy

    What kind of mindless breeder idiots invite 200 people (non-relatives) to their child’s first birthday party?

    Seriously?

    Are you going to celebrate everything your Princess does this way?

    I imagine you marked the milestone of her first solid bowel movement with a similar get together? Inviting all the townspeople within a 40 mile radius to celebrate with you?

    I mean, ‘c’mon.

    Officially TEAM GRUMPY OLD MAN LETTER WRITER.

    Aug 18, 2008 at 4:46 pm   rating: 9  small thumbs up

    • #75.1   apophenia

      Thank you! Before I read the response, I was sure that the party invitation was the item being held up for ridicule.

      I mean, is it normal in this community to invite your entire church congregation to an infant’s birthday party? Otherwise, gift-grab or no, it takes more than a bit of hubris to think that your “Little Princess” (gag) Maydylynnyh needs such a bevy of celebrants to play “host” to. 200 invitees? “Casual backyard get-together” my hinder.

      Team GOMLW all the way.

      Aug 19, 2008 at 2:00 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
    • #75.2   darthmanga

      yes… because the churchly thing to do would be to invite only some people to the party the rest of the church is going to.

      they were trying to be nice and friendly.

      relax!!!

      why are people ripped apart for being friendly? everyone always thinks they have ulterior motives!!

      HUG IT OUT

      Nov 20, 2008 at 3:21 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #76   left foot

    I’ve been known to send highly inappropriate gifts, instead of letters in the style of serial killer handwriting, to parties I don’t want to attend. I would suggest a vibrator or a coupon for birth control over a letter. It would be much more creepy.

    Aug 19, 2008 at 10:53 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

    • #76.1   Goldie

      Wow, this is beautiful.

      Aug 21, 2008 at 9:21 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #77   The Grammarphile

    The amount of misspelled words, homonym errors, and grammar snafus in that letter truly astounds me! I guess those who are passive-aggressive don’t typically give a damn about good grammar.

    Aug 19, 2008 at 9:58 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #78   misterpain

    I have solved it.
    Classic schizophrenia/split personality disorder stuff. Look for someone who sees this happy family every week, someone who can never have what the Scmidt’s have. Because he can’t… in fact, he’s NOT PERMITTED TO!
    The complimentary embodiment, the publicly acceptable opposite/ mirror-image of this psycho’s personality is…

    …the parish minister.
    Father BATES!

    Aug 21, 2008 at 12:13 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #79   Lolly

    I HATE IT when people spell truly “truely”

    Argh!

    Aug 22, 2008 at 8:34 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

     
  • #80   WOW!

    Hi!

    I have one question. Why would someone who sends out an email referring to her church as “family”, not keep this issue within her family? To post this on a message board with great detail is in poor taste. The post card sender might be onto something when he/she calls Mrs. Schmidt an Ass! If you have no clue as to who sent you the card, why lampoon your church? Could it be from some one else?

    Aug 22, 2008 at 9:59 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

     
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