cloudy with a chance of hate mail

August 14th, 2008 · 239 comments

for their daughter’s first birthday, mr. and mrs. schmidt decided it would be fun to throw a casual little backyard get-together at their home in rochester, minnesota.

like the good church-going minnesotans they are, the schmidts sent out this e-mail invite to their small-ish congregation of about 200 people, expecting maybe 20 or 30 to stop by for some cake:

Hello St. Luke’s family! Madeleine turns ONE on 8/8/8! To celebrate, she’s hosting her very own backyard tea party on Saturday, August 9th at 1:00 p.m. No gifts necessary - your presence is present enough. We hope you and your family will join us as we celebrate the first of many fun birthdays with our little princess. If you have a moment, please RSVP to so we know how many cucumber sandwiches to make.

mr. schmidt happens to be the local TV weatherman, but neither of the schmidts could have predicted the outraged response they received by mail a few days later (unsigned, with no return address).

adds mrs. schmidt: “we have no clue who sent it, and decided we’d have to laugh it off or go crazy trying to figure it out…so i’m doing my own passive-aggressive act and posting it here.”

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FILED UNDER: CAPS LOCK · birthday · minnesota · moms & dads · spelling and grammar police

239 responses so far ↓

#1 Canthz_B

Thank you for your kind note.
Judging from your evident low level of education, we feel that it is best you not attend. You probably need all you earn and cannot possibly afford a gift worthy of giving.

Aug 14, 2008 at 8:24 pm rating: +21

reply to this comment
- #1.1 Claire
  
  “Dear Sender,
  We cannot help but notice the many errors in your unfortunate letter. Perhaps if you had spent more time at birthday parties growing up, you would look beyond the gift table and see what excitement there can be at such a gathering. Perhaps a pony kicked you in the head after a pony ride and you failed to understand that we are not asking for presents of any kind. Or perhaps you were frightened by a scary clown during your childhood and this has made you strongly hate birthday parties. Please go piss upon someone else’s parade.”
  
  Aug 15, 2008 at 5:17 am rating: +29
- #1.2 WhyAren'tUDeadYet
  
  “You probably need all you earn and cannot possibly afford a gift worthy of giving.”
  
  Which, if you actually read the note, would be no gift at all, as requested.
  
  I’m just amazed you didn’t type “W007! First!!!”
  
  Aug 16, 2008 at 4:58 pm rating: 0
- #1.3 Canthz_B
  
  “No gifts necessary” is not “We request that you not bring a gift”.
  But have it your way my good and faithful follower.
  Of course, anyone with any class would bring a gift and not show up for free grub…but then, having no class, how could you know that?
  
  Aug 16, 2008 at 7:22 pm rating: +7
- #1.4 Sarah
  
  It’s so awesome when people who don’t know each other start fighting thread-comment style, and use emoticons sarcastically. THAT’S classy.
  
  Oct 31, 2008 at 4:29 pm rating: 0
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#2 anglophile

I agree with the letter writer.

Birthday party for a one-year-old + cucumber sandwiches = Terrorism

Aug 14, 2008 at 8:28 pm rating: +100

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- #2.1 JesFoolin
  
  I don’t care how old the little brat is, if we eat cucumber sandwiches then the terrorists win!
  
  GWB
  
  Aug 14, 2008 at 10:58 pm rating: +24
- #2.2 Claire
  
  I am the decider and I have decided that cucumber sandwiches are weapons of mass destruction for the family-values-hating liberals! We always served beef jerky at me and muh siblings’ birthday parties in Texas, and I turned out okay. Hell, if it wasn’t for beef jerky, I probably wouldn’t have been President! George W.
  
  Aug 15, 2008 at 5:20 am rating: +14
- #2.3 S&M
  
  In the wreckage of the World Trade center they found cucumber sandwiches… coincidence?
  
  Aug 15, 2008 at 9:44 am rating: +22
- #2.4 Sarcastic Monkey
  
  Oh Claire! You card. I almost laughed at the presidential snipe! How witty.
  
  not.
  
  Aug 19, 2008 at 1:05 am rating: +2
- #2.5 Canthz_B
  
  Yeah, maybe….but there’s so much sniping left to do and mercifully little time left in which to do it.
  We should cherish each snipe as if it were the last.
  Who knows when we’ll get a President as vulnerable to snipes as this dolt again?
  
  Aug 19, 2008 at 1:50 am rating: +6
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#3 amy d

I find myself very concerned with the oily stain after the second sentence. What was the note writer doing as he composed this manifesto?

Aug 14, 2008 at 8:33 pm rating: +8

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- #3.1 PandoraWombat
  
  He must not have had enough BABY CLOTHS with which to clean up after himself.
  
  Aug 14, 2008 at 8:50 pm rating: +11
- #3.2 Claire
  
  He was sampling various types of baby lotions and oils….
  
  Aug 15, 2008 at 5:21 am rating: +5
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#4 Canthz_B

I feel sorry for the poor pony that was supposed to be at the party, but instead had his head left in this guy’s bed!

Aug 14, 2008 at 8:34 pm rating: +15

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#5 amy d

How long are you going to terrorize this community?

As long as it takes, my friend. As long as it takes.

Aug 14, 2008 at 8:36 pm rating: +97

reply to this comment
- #5.1 Bunnee
  
  Or at least until Madeline gets too old for formal birthday parties…
  
  Aug 15, 2008 at 11:18 am rating: +4
- #5.2 AuntyBron
  
  You’re never too old for birthday parties - formal or otherwise. I’m 45 and I’m still waiting for one.
  
  Aug 16, 2008 at 1:02 am rating: +2
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#6 secondsout

Hide, everyone, there are terrorists in our midst! Wait, does that say “terrioze?” Never mind!

Aug 14, 2008 at 8:39 pm rating: +16

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- #6.1 PandoraWombat
  
  Thank you Terrioze?
  
  Aug 14, 2008 at 8:52 pm rating: +25
- #6.2 Timo
  
  ” I am so angry that I shall leave the grease stain of rage on the paper for all to see and add all the vowels to terror so you know I mean business!”
  
  Aug 14, 2008 at 9:23 pm rating: +15
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#7 secondsout

I would pick apart this guy’s spelling and grammar even further, but his inability to read the sentence about not bringing gifts is about all anyone needs to know about his intellect.

Aug 14, 2008 at 8:40 pm rating: +52

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#8 Canthz_B

Kathy Lee Gifford…time to put Cody and Cassidy in the witness protection program because this note has given me the courage to do what I should have done years ago!

Aug 14, 2008 at 8:41 pm rating: +5

reply to this comment
- #8.1 Claire
  
  Wait! Cathanz B! I was going to make you an animal ballon, but let me make you a revolver and a sword instead….TA DA! Okay, now you can go take care of business properly!
  
  Aug 15, 2008 at 5:24 am rating: +5
- #8.2 Claire
  
  Canthz B….deep felt apology for the misspelling…it was late…I was just back from a rigourous wine and cheese party….here, you may have an extra ride on the pony, Canthz B….and a complimentary ballon animal…and a baby cloth….
  
  Aug 15, 2008 at 1:23 pm rating: +1
- #8.3 anglophile
  
  Go ahead and just call him CB, Claire. All his harem women do.
  
  Aug 15, 2008 at 3:19 pm rating: +5
- #8.4 Claire
  
  Aaaaahhh…..that would make it ever so much easier….
  
  Aug 15, 2008 at 7:20 pm rating: 0
- #8.5 Canthz_B
  
  Mylar balloon animal = silverfish.
  Eww
  
  Aug 17, 2008 at 1:08 am rating: +1
- #8.6 aaa
  
  Or a centipede. Personally, I’d go with the centipede since they’re venomous.
  
  Aug 17, 2008 at 1:26 am rating: 0
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#9 secondsout

In the meantime, I’d rather slam my nuts in a car door than go to a birthday party for a one-year old.

Aug 14, 2008 at 8:41 pm rating: +46

reply to this comment
- #9.1 Claire
  
  OUCH! Secondsout! Aren’t there any other alternatives? What if they were serving cold beer and having a NAKED pony leap out of a cake?
  
  Aug 15, 2008 at 5:25 am rating: +6
- #9.2 HS
  
  As opposed to a fully clothed pony??
  Or a pony that has cloths?
  
  Aug 15, 2008 at 7:34 am rating: +9
- #9.3 Red Letterboxer
  
  “In the meantime, I’d rather slam my nuts in a car door than go to a birthday party for a one-year old.”
  
  What kind of gift would I be expected to bring to that?
  
  Aug 15, 2008 at 9:22 am rating: +29
- #9.4 Grade Ape
  
  My dear secondsout, don’t be to rash… a 1 year olds birthday party is indeed ostentatious… BUT… if the hosts are worth 2 shits they will (at the very least) have cold beer.
  
  Please refer back to my comment a few weeks ago about getting drunk and falling into the ficus.
  
  The bright side is, if you go to the FIRST one, you never have to attend that brat’s party again! Suck it up, have a drunken afternoon and you’re off the hook for life!
  
  Aug 15, 2008 at 11:53 am rating: +2
- #9.5 Claire
  
  Wouldn’t it just be easier and less painfgul to simply RSVP “No, I will not be attending”…unless you are into slamming your nuts in a car door….
  
  Aug 15, 2008 at 1:24 pm rating: 0
- #9.6 CrapeDeus
  
  Somehow the re-animated, skinned corpse of a pony leaping out of a cake just doesn’t do it for me.
  Make it a dirty whore and I am so there.
  
  Aug 15, 2008 at 3:09 pm rating: +5
- #9.7 PandoraWombat
  
  Why does it have to be either/or?
  
  Aug 15, 2008 at 4:52 pm rating: 0
- #9.8 S&M
  
  Hmmm I think I may like you, possibly.
  
  Ah so a dirty whore riding a re-animated skinned pony in some sort of zombie donkey show.
  
  Yes excellent!
  
  Aug 15, 2008 at 5:02 pm rating: +3
- #9.9 Fern
  
  And starve while you’re there.
  
  Aug 18, 2008 at 9:23 am rating: 0
- #9.10 eddy
  
  Ugh, I’ll second that. I have to go to a birthday party for another brat next month. Even though I should be exempt as I went to his first birthday party. Nevermind the fact that he’s my nephew - I just have NO desire to go. It’s not like I remember any birthday parties of my own from before I was maybe 4 or 5.
  
  It’s times like this I wish I HADN’T quit smoking so I’d have an excuse to hide outside for most of the thing.
  
  Wow, that turned into a bit of a rant, didn’t it?
  
  Aug 18, 2008 at 10:39 am rating: +1
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#10 PandoraWombat

I’ve never heard of BABY CLOTHS before. Are they made out of real babies?

Aug 14, 2008 at 8:43 pm rating: +23

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- #10.1 secondsout
  
  I think Baby Cloths are the things they use to wipe their asses when they’re changing diapers. If the Schmidts knew the address of the sender, his mailbox would probably be full of them.
  
  Aug 14, 2008 at 8:44 pm rating: +7
- #10.2 Canthz_B
  
  Baby cloths grow up to be bath towels. Although in America there is a growing Beach Towel epidemic!
  
  Aug 14, 2008 at 8:48 pm rating: +32
- #10.3 Claire
  
  Baby cloths all aspire to be table cloths…then, one sniff of coconut oil suntan lotion, and they go bad…and become beach towels…Baby cloths which show an unnatural attraction toward porn often grow up to become loin cloths….
  
  Aug 15, 2008 at 5:27 am rating: +10
- #10.4 kthxbai
  
  Why is being a beach towel a bad thing? What makes a table cloth better than a beach towel? HUH!?!?!?!?
  
  And if they liked porn wouldn’t they want to be jizz cloths?
  
  You’re a towel.
  
  Aug 29, 2008 at 3:34 am rating: 0
- #10.5 Canthz_B
  
  Better than being an ass-wipe.
  
  Aug 29, 2008 at 4:05 am rating: +2
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#11 secondsout

If the note-writer had any sense of humor, he would gift wrap some porn and send it to the baby for her birthday.

Aug 14, 2008 at 8:43 pm rating: +24

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- #11.1 Timo
  
  Little Anal Annie’s boxed set.
  
  “boxed”
  
  Aug 15, 2008 at 9:57 am rating: +2
- #11.2 Claire
  
  I think the anger-management therapy group drop-out who wrote this note clearly lacks a sense of humour and probably is too selfish to give away any of his porn. Birthday parties are clearly sinful acts of pleasure for this guy (why do we assume the writer is male anyway?)…would be casually, mildly interesting to see what IS permissable…..
  
  Aug 16, 2008 at 6:31 pm rating: +1
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#12 PandoraWombat

“WHY DO YOU HAVE TO BURDEN EVERY PERSON WITHIN HEARING RANGE…”

So this guy decided to grow his fingernails really long so everyone could hear him type the email?

Aug 14, 2008 at 8:46 pm rating: +21

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#13 amy d

And, if you order now, you’ll get this pair of complete asses. But, wait, there’s more!

Aug 14, 2008 at 8:52 pm rating: +13

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- #13.1 Claire
  
  Do they sell baby cloths on E-bay?
  
  Aug 15, 2008 at 5:28 am rating: 0
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#14 Canthz_B

The email as seen by the note writer:

Hello St. Luke’s family.
We believe our child should have lots of gifts on her special day. A day which is special to the whole community. Her first birthday!
Bring your kids and loads of money on 8-9-2008 to pay your tribute to Queen Madeleine.
Are you without children? Barren? Impotent?
Come share our joy and live vicariously through us. We’re perfect and so is our little Princess.

Aug 14, 2008 at 8:59 pm rating: +48

reply to this comment
- #14.1 PandoraWombat
  
  Or perhaps:
  
  Give us lots of money and presents OR WE’LL TIE YOU DOWN AND FORCE YOU TO EAT CUCUMBER SANDWICHES!
  
  MUWAHAHAHAHAHA!
  
  Aug 14, 2008 at 9:03 pm rating: +20
- #14.2 Miss Unloop
  
  Or maybe even:
  
  “Come to the brat’s party, or I’ll let the monkeys loose! People may not understand passive-aggressive notes, but they understands monkeys!”
  
  Aug 14, 2008 at 11:53 pm rating: +16
- #14.3 Claire
  
  LMAO!!! Monkeys dressed in baby cloths!!!
  
  Aug 15, 2008 at 5:29 am rating: +1
- #14.4 WhyAren'tUDeadYet
  
  Or perhaps even:
  
  “Come by on 8/8/8 since 8-9-2008 is one day too late and the sandwiches will be gone.”
  
  Once again proving my point that you don’t even READ the notes before you furiously dash off your ridiculous comments. 11 times. In under 20 minutes. Red Bull much?
  
  Aug 16, 2008 at 5:02 pm rating: +2
- #14.5 Sirius
  
  CB’s gay drunk stalker is back!
  
  (Heisa doesn’t like my html skills, but the link would have been to July 3rd, plate-shitting-dishwasher)
  
  Aug 16, 2008 at 6:09 pm rating: +2
- #14.6 Canthz_B
  
  No, you don’t read. The party was held on Saturday, August 9th.
  But keep trying there, Sparky
  
  Aug 16, 2008 at 7:07 pm rating: +2
- #14.7 Canthz_B
  
  Wrong twice in only four minutes (4:58 - 5:02), WAUDY. Is that a new record?
  
  Aug 16, 2008 at 8:20 pm rating: +1
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#15 Crash

painfully polite and hilariously hostile writings from shared spaces the world over