Just so you Noe Valley-ites don’t feel like you’ve cornered the self-righteous yuppie market…I spotted this last week on my very own block in Park Slope, Brooklyn.
related: The thoughts that count
extra credit: “A different sort of neighborhood watch” [brownstoner.com]
“Brooklyn neighbors & passive-aggressive notes” [daftcrafts.com]
228 responses so far ↓
#1
Canthz_B
Cursing babies suck!
Aug 21, 2008 at 10:09 pm rating: 16
#2
BabyGotMac
In all fairness, Ed McMahon is probably just looking for somewhere to crash.
Aug 21, 2008 at 10:10 pm rating: 44
#3
Canthz_B
What if it’s UPS delivering bibles?
Do they toss pebbles at the windows?
Aug 21, 2008 at 10:12 pm rating: 12
#4
sizeXS
Dear Apt. 3,
I came by to drop off some gifts and stocking stuffers, but I see that I am prohibited from BUZZing your apartment. You are on the Naughty List from now on.
Thx Santa
Aug 21, 2008 at 10:13 pm rating: 31
#5
sizeXS
P.S. By the way, Ed McMahon has filed for bankruptcy, so you may want to cross him off your “BUZZ-Worthy” list. He may just be looking for free Hot Pockets.
Aug 21, 2008 at 10:14 pm rating: 17
#6
random bob
That note is awesome, on-point, and it would appear, completely necessary.
How rare.
Aug 21, 2008 at 10:14 pm rating: 20
#7
Ray
Beware the curse of the baby
Aug 21, 2008 at 10:19 pm rating: 5
#8
candy
i’m copying this and pasting it to my front door!
Aug 21, 2008 at 10:37 pm rating: 1
#9
Canthz_B
What do they care how many times someone buzzed when they’re not at home?
Aug 21, 2008 at 10:40 pm rating: 11
#10
Canthz_B
Sister Margaret: Wait Sister Sarah! Don’t buzz here, we could wake their baby and be cursed.
Sister Sara pushing the buzzer: Well I’ll be damned!
Aug 21, 2008 at 10:43 pm rating: 18
#11
aaa
If the baby can curse people, I think #3 ought to let the religious people in.
Aug 21, 2008 at 10:47 pm rating: 14
#12
Quite Contrary
You won’t buzz in Santa, Tooth Fairy, Easter Bunny or the Stork? You suck.
Aug 21, 2008 at 10:48 pm rating: 6
#13
impertinent scallywag
I’m wondering what happened to prompt all this Baby Mama Rage in the first place. And was the photographer trying to sell religion, or just doing the ding-dong-dash?
Aug 21, 2008 at 10:49 pm rating: 0
#14
Goldie
What if I came for my annual cucumber sandwich? Can I buzz then?
Also, what if I wake the baby for a reason? Like, if I brought her a children’s Bible? with nice pictures?? Will I still be cursed?
Lastly, anal question for Kerry, shouldn’t the tenants’ last names be blacked out? just checkin’.
Aug 21, 2008 at 11:11 pm rating: 2
#15
RALPHY
I’d buzz 4 or 5 times and then run. Satan babies hate that!
Aug 21, 2008 at 11:14 pm rating: 8
#16
Canthz_B
I think it’s a marvel that the writer understands that delivery persons can follow instructions, but that religious-types need the threat of something supernatural befalling them to comply.
That’s what I call insightful.
Aug 21, 2008 at 11:30 pm rating: 19
#17
Jais
Man… I wouldn’t put such strict regulations on anyone who was going to give me a cheque for millions of dollars.
And does this mean that if they come with a cheque for $999000 they should just turn around and leave without buzzing at all?
Aug 21, 2008 at 11:39 pm rating: 3
#18
snee
their first sign:
BEWARE: cursing demon baby!
buzz once if you dare…
they had to try again because the ups guy wouldn’t come near the place and the jw’s were swarming like flies on shit. buzz buzz buzz!
Aug 21, 2008 at 11:49 pm rating: 1
#19
louie
What a c*nt. Her little precious has probably disrupted more than a few restaurants in her time. Ring away, UPS.
Aug 22, 2008 at 12:08 am rating: 8
#20
Epic
The baby was fucking delicious.
Aug 22, 2008 at 12:09 am rating: 6
#21
Chad
“There MAY be a sleeping baby…”
Admit it. There’s no baby. You just only like people who give you free stuff. And you don’t even like them that much.
Aug 22, 2008 at 1:07 am rating: 9
#22
Jeshi
She says that they need to Buzz once as if there has been an event in which a Fed ex man with a check for billions of dollars came to the door and buzzed more then once which woke up the baby and he got cursed so he suddenly burst into flames along with the check for billions of dollars.
Aug 22, 2008 at 1:18 am rating: 1
#23
Ambie
yours truly,
Satan
Aug 22, 2008 at 2:07 am rating: 2
#24
cre8tivewmn
There may be a magic sleeping wolverine that will awaken and eat someone’s face off if you buzz twice.
Fortunately, he won’t wake at all if you only buzz once.
Aug 22, 2008 at 2:43 am rating: 5
#25
PandoraWombat
But is it ok if someone stands outside holding a boom box up toward your window, blasting a Peter Gabriel song? They didn’t specify.
Aug 22, 2008 at 3:48 am rating: 8
#26
meagz
“I don’t want what you have, especially if it’s herpes.”
Aug 22, 2008 at 4:01 am rating: 1
#27
reyna ulikba
This makes me want to buzz at least twice, just to see the cursing baby. Hmmm… sideshow material!
Aug 22, 2008 at 4:03 am rating: 0
#28
Xtroll
Sister Margaret to Sister Sarah: Look another couple living in sin that don’t want us to lead them to salvation. I really hope when we get to heaven they have lots of marshmallows that we can cook over all these burning souls.
Aug 22, 2008 at 5:05 am rating: 2
#29
claw71
Yeah, this is really going to work. First of all, it’s Brooklyn so anybody who reads this note is going to hit that buzzer a minimum of six times just because they’re that surly. Secondly, by demonstrating greed, sloth and stating that you possibly harbor a demon baby, religious people are going to be on you like flies on an East River garbage barge. Don’t you know that they get extra points for saving souls and exorcising demons? Finally, the postman, as we all know, always rings twice. Always.
Aug 22, 2008 at 6:30 am rating: 18
#30
Alan
Baby or not, the pissy tone of this sign makes me want to buzz them several times and run away, just to majorly piss them off. How old are these people, anyway? I just picture them coming out, all gray and wrinkled, shaking their canes in my direction and yelling, “Damn kids! I’ll get you one of these days!”
Aug 22, 2008 at 7:16 am rating: 2
#31
nene
God damn! What if they ordered take-out???? Do you risk the curse of the maybe baby to deliver a freakin pizza???? Or do you think they really wanted it to begin with? After all, it specificly says they only want certain delivery services or Ed McMahon!
Aug 22, 2008 at 7:34 am rating: 0
#32
MSchmahl
I’m about to surprise one lucky person with a check for $950,000! Follow me so we can get their reaction!
* reads note *
Oh. Nevermind.
Aug 22, 2008 at 7:49 am rating: 3
#33
Mishee
At least this person doesn’t seem to have the “solicitors” I have… at least three times a week I have a well dressed Latino at my door, asking my pasty white ass if anyone in the house speaks Spanish.
I tell them to try any of the other three apts in my building… or my block… he will hit paydirt then!
Aug 22, 2008 at 9:04 am rating: 1
#34
claw71
Corky saw the note but didn’t read it. Even though his dyslexic mongoloid brain was capable of processing words, Corky required visual cues to stop and read them. You see, unlike most people, Corky, because of Down’s Syndrome, really had to think about reading. So the note posted above the buzzers meant nothing to him. It was just a piece of paper and Corky had no reason to think that it was out of place. So he started buzzing the apartments, in order, just as he was instructed. “Hello my name is Corky,” he would say when somebody answered, “and I’m raising money for the Special Olympics.”
Even for a figure as sympathetic as Corky, with his slanted forehead and tiny almond-shaped eye, it was a tough row to hoe. He was rebuffed with as much venom as the Kirby salesman and the Jehovah’s witnesses who stalked the Brooklyn neighborhoods looking for souls to steal. But for Corky life goes on, things like scorn and anger didn’t phase him because he didn’t understand those emotions on the same level as the rest of us. Corky could be dressed down with spit-soaked vitriolic diatribe smiling pleasantly the whole time, not even reaching up to wipe his face and after the assailant was totally spent, winded and huffing, stunned at the lack of fear in his eyes, Corky would simply say, “Ok, thank you anyway” and go on about his way. Methodically performing the duties he was so carefully instructed to perform.
Corky had no idea what was waiting for him behind door number three as he blissfully reached for the button. He pressed it once and got no answer, but he counted to 10 just like his counselor told him. Then he pressed it again, a little longer but not more than a count of five. Never hold the button down longer than five, Corky thought as he pressed. It was what he always thought whenever he pressed a button and he had to carefully consider the meaning of that thought. Corky’s diligence was an inspiration. Was…because of what happened after he pressed that button a second time.
The curse didn’t take effect right away. Corky didn’t turn into a pillar of salt or burst into flames. Corky didn’t even hear the baby cry. After he counted to 10 a second time he pressed the other buttons and left that building empty-handed. Again. But he didn’t care. He tried and that was what mattered. If you try your best nobody can ask for anything more. Corky lived his life by that mantra. But that life wouldn’t last through the night. Shortly after Corky turned the corner, heading up the block just like his map told him to, things took a sinister turn. First, a crazy homeless man threw a bottle full of urine at him. The throw was short, because crazy homeless men almost always overestimate their arm strength but the bottle still shattered at his feet and the acrid smelling contents splashed up on his pants. Corky smiled and said hello, causing the crazy homeless man to run off into the shadows like a wild dog. Corky pressed on and so did the curse until his greatest fear was realized.
As corky reached the next apartment building, he noticed an small bag sitting on the stoop. Again his small, muddled brain processed some basic instructions. “Trash goes in the trash can,” Corky, now reeking of urine, gleefully sang to himself. He reached down and picked up the bag which now contained a few ounces of stale beer in a 24 ounce can and a half-eaten Snowball. And bees. Angry yellow jackets worked into a frenzy by booze, sugar and the hot sun beating down on the cement stairway. They didn’t enjoy having their new home molested and they didn’t care if Corky was “special”.
Corky was confused at first, as the angry hornets buzzed around his head. He swatted at them and they got angry. He swatted some more and they grew angry still. That’s when Corky realized what those tiny yellow buzzing things were. “BEES” he screamed in the genuine terror only somebody so naïve could feel. Corky ran away as fast as he could, which wasn’t fast at all considering his short, squat stature and his lack of coordination. The yellow jackets gave chase and the rest of the hive, following the chemical signal emitted by the others. Corky was doomed.
Eventually he stumbled into an empty lot and the yellow jackets swarmed. Stinging his soft, pudgy body over and over again. They would not stop…it was the curse, you see…and Corky was left to die in that empty lot, sweating, sobbing and suffocating.
Aug 22, 2008 at 9:47 am rating: 22
#35
Bellabeastie
WOW !!
*sniff* Damn evil baby.
Poor Corky
Aug 22, 2008 at 10:24 am rating: 2
#36
Nix
THAT was written by a mother who has probably not had a full night of uninterrupted sleep in a long, long time.
I don’t blame her on the religion part. I find it incredibly insulting when complete strangers bother me at home to try to hawk their version of God on my doorstep and tell me mine is wrong.
Aug 22, 2008 at 10:33 am rating: 3
#37
Loon
Team Cursing Baby!
Aug 22, 2008 at 10:46 am rating: 1
#38
Allison Brown-Hancock
There is no baby, only ZULE.
Aug 22, 2008 at 10:57 am rating: 1
#39
Joy McGreedy
I like how there “might” be a baby in there.
There might be a pony in there.
There might be a Republican in there.
There might be a blood sweating hippopotamus in there.
I think she should have left a multiple choice list of all the things that might be in there so we could have fun guessing.
Aug 22, 2008 at 11:34 am rating: 6
#40
CremeBrulee
Eh – tiptoe around a sleeping baby, and you just end up with a baby that needs to be tiptoed around. I say the multi-buzzers are doing them a favor. Buzz away!
Aug 22, 2008 at 11:41 am rating: 5
#41
Angrimal
Does that mean he doesn’t want to join my Cult of Shag’nya-thotep of the Purple Veil? Damn agnostics!
Aug 22, 2008 at 11:43 am rating: 0
#42
Timo
Having a rare strain of Highlighter Haiku OCD Lars read the sign thusly:
Buzz once,
Do not buzz.
Sleeping Baby
Aug 22, 2008 at 2:28 pm rating: 3
#43
Entitled Parent
I’m the mom who wrote that note. I was pretty proud of it, underlining and highlighting included, until some A-hole ripped it down. I think it was the JW’s.
If you’ve ever been a new parent, I’m sure you know where I was coming from when I wrote it. If you haven’t, you probably just assume I’m a self-righteous yuppie. Alas, we don’t own a Bugaboo and we don’t have a country house, so I don’t think we qualify as yuppies. Yet. We’re working on it.
Anyway, enjoy my postpartum rage. It’s fun for the whole family!
Aug 22, 2008 at 3:59 pm rating: 13
#44
?????
Pot – Kettle
Pot – Kettle
you FAIL boB.
Aug 22, 2008 at 7:24 pm rating: 1
#45
Josie Sue
Hey if there were Republicans in there, that’s worth knowing – they’re probably pretty attached to whatever religion they have, and there’s a good chance they own a gun and maybe a large unpleasant dog, or six more kids in there. It’s something you might want to just bypass all together.
Signed,
Well I got the religion and the gun. No vicious dawgs or chirruns so far.
Aug 22, 2008 at 8:44 pm rating: 0
#46
Josie Sue
Hey if there were Republicans in there, that’s worth knowing – they’re probably pretty attached to whatever religion they have, and there’s a good chance they own a gun and maybe a large unpleasant canine of the “git him!” variety.
Signed,
Well I got the religion and the gun. No vicious dawgs or chirruns so far.
Aug 22, 2008 at 8:48 pm rating: 0
#47
morpho aurora
if sleep-deprived mommy hadn’t wasted so much time making this sign, she would have had time for a nap.
Aug 22, 2008 at 9:40 pm rating: 6
#48
Entitled Parent
Hi,
Husband of the note-writer here, although I am logged in as her. Hey folks, it’s been seeing the passion my wife’s note has brought about. For the record I thought it was really funny, and meant to be seen as such. I didn’t see it as an assault on passers-by, unless said passers-by had a sense-of-humorrectomy.
First, also, a little context. We were unlucky enough where our child had horrible acid reflux, probably since her birth. This lead to her constantly fighting stomach acid, and choking on it, and waking up, pretty much all the time since her birth. (Of course it took us months to figure out the real problem.) This lead to frayed nerves, for sure.
Then the second problem: this meant our child would wake up with the slightest sound, and I do mean the slightest. This was especially galling when people would ring our doorbell multiple times, waking our child, who had had such a hard time falling asleep. God, did that get old fast.
Last, we’re not entitled yuppies, but I guess it’s fun for you to think so, if you do, so go right ahead.
Anyway, you know a really good place to learn more about what would drive a woman to write a somewhat angry sign? My blog! Because I, like all people who post online, think I am so damn important! Check it out, you might even like it! http://www.brooklynbabydaddy.blogspot.com/
Cheers,
Husband Of Highliter Using, Prosletizer Hating, Wanting Baby To Go To Sleeping, Park Slope Living Woman
Anyway, goodnight, and back to waiting hand and foot on our child!
Aug 22, 2008 at 9:59 pm rating: 4
#49
bonzo
“our child would wake up with the slightest sound, and I do mean the slightest.”
Then even one buzz would do the trick.
Who cares?
Your kid has acid reflux. Millions more have colic. You’re not special. Deal with it like everyone else does.
Your note was not cute or funny.
Aug 22, 2008 at 10:56 pm rating: 1
#50
0falcon8
three words:
tiny. ear. plugs.
Aug 22, 2008 at 11:05 pm rating: 3
#51
Entitled Parent
Oh, foolish me, Husband of Entitled Parent here logging on again. The note was obviously intended for people going door-to-door peddling their religion, which we obviously didn’t want, as if the note didn’t make that clear. Why? Because they came to our door often, in the middle of the day, waking our baby. We weren’t crazy about it, and they would buzz multiple times. Talk about passive aggressive!
Ed McMahon too, that bastard can suck it!
Also thanks for the parenting advice. Hmm, colic. Never thought of that one! Please send me more great, free useless tips!
Aug 22, 2008 at 11:23 pm rating: 0
#52
ng
Wow, what a waste the past 5 minutes have been reading all these comments. I am beyond thankful that I live in the real world and not in the brainless, tasteless, self-centered, hell hole called Park Slope, Brooklyn.
You people take life and yourselves WAAAAAY too seriously. I would love to see half of you idiots live a day with an infant, especially one that has trouble sleeping. That’s why the majority of you who actually have children also have nannies to raise your children. You people are disgusting.
It was a sign… and a funny one at that and just an attempt to prevent repeat buzzers. I love how someone called it a “nasty note”… What was “nasty” about it? It’s sad to think how much time was spent by some of you (Cathy B, morpho aurora) being as “nasty” and hateful as you can be. Is this what you people do for fun?… look for discussion board sites and find people to attack? Wow, what a life!?!?
I think I’ve just about wasted as much time as I can reading and responding to you all. Have fun spending the next 10 hours responding to this comment and picking apart every syllable.
Entitled Parents… unsolicited advice coming your way… GET THE HELL OUT OF PARK SLOPE…. like TODAY!!! And don’t waste your time posting stuff to sites like this where petaphiles and yuppies live to tear people apart. There are much better things to do with your time… like MOVE!!!
Aug 23, 2008 at 10:12 am rating: 0
#53
Martin
The woman who posted that sign is intelligent, clever, multi-faceted, sleep-deprived, loving, and obviously possessed of a lovely sense of humor.
You are obnoxious.
Aug 23, 2008 at 12:33 pm rating: 1
#54
class-factotum
Wouldn’t it be easier to teach the baby to sleep through everyday noises?
Aug 23, 2008 at 2:40 pm rating: 2
#55
kristen
whenever i see the word “unitard”, which frequently adorns the comments, i always initially think of a special needs kid with a horn.
Aug 23, 2008 at 2:42 pm rating: 2
#56
cre8tivewmn
Parents: You are taking this site entirely too seriously. We exist to make fun of p/a notes. We tear these notes apart and attack all the odd phrases, misspellings, and poor use of grammar.
It’s an odd hobby, but pretty harmless. The notes are/were posted in public for all to see.
Your note, while heartfelt, was definitely p/a. While I sympathize with your predicament, the easy way to handle it is to disconnect the buzzer so you won’t be disturbed. The p/a way to handle it is to put up a note that attracts attention from everybody.
Aug 23, 2008 at 3:28 pm rating: 7
#57
Lurker
I somehow feel like if she really cared, she would have been able to make that note rhyme.
Aug 23, 2008 at 10:59 pm rating: 2
#58
ellceebee
I love how everyone’s going off with their little comedy bits on this thread. You guys are all little Lenny Bruces and Richard Pryors. Bravo, kids. Really HI-larious. Please, stop wasting your time leaving comments on blogs and write for Hollywood, already. Seriously.
As for me, my kid’s been sleeping through the night since two months, and I feel truly sorry for what that couple’s going through. I know them, and they are awesome, smart, funnier than all of you, totally sleep-deprived, and a little stir-crazy.
Oh, and for those “get over it” parents: in case you didn’t realize, that couple wasn’t trying to get in a pissing match with you over who had a worse time with their baby. All they did was post a sign on their door so that they could get some sleep.
But don’t worry, you won’t get into that with me – my kid’s perfect. I don’t have anything to complain about. Your kids are WAY more screwed up. You win. Happy?
Aug 23, 2008 at 11:34 pm rating: 0
#59
ellceebee
Dude, there’s calling people out on their shit and then there’s being nasty. There’s a lot of nasty around here.
Also, “making fun” would imply that the poster intended the comments to be funny. I know funny. Most of these comments were kinda lame.
Aug 23, 2008 at 11:47 pm rating: 0
#60
Canthz_B
I don’t know this for a fact, maybe someone here works for or knows someone who works for USPS, UPS, FEDEX, etc.
I would think that they would be trained to ring more than once rather than to buzz and run not giving you time to get to the door.
Haven’t pretty much all of us thought we heard the doorbell and waited to see if it rang again before going to the door? Like you’re in the kitchen running water and thought you heard the doorbell? I know I have.
If anyone knows, I’m curious now.
Aug 24, 2008 at 12:36 am rating: 1
#61
pirateywill
What these folks really should have done when the JW’s show up is to let them in the house, and make them babysit while they caught up on their sleep. I would bet that would be more effective than the note, and almost as effective as answering the door naked while holding a roll of toilet paper and saying “you got here just in time!”
Aug 24, 2008 at 1:23 am rating: 1
#62
cre8tivewmn
I’ve found that opening the door holding a screaming baby is a pretty effective way to get rid of JW’s and salesmen too.
Aug 24, 2008 at 7:34 am rating: 1
#63
Heather Grace
Reading this would make me WANT to buzz that person. In fact, I might even change the way I walk to work in order to buzz them every day.
Sorry. People need to calm down. Leaving letters just makes other people think you’re crazy.
Aug 24, 2008 at 2:13 pm rating: 1
#64
Heather
You’ve come to a buzzer panel in front of an apartment building. To the left of you, there is an empty barrel. To the right of you, there is an old man sitting on a chair. Do you…
Look inside the barrel? (turn to page 79)
Ask the old man if he’s seen the cosmic peach? (turn to page 4)
Press the buzzer four or five times? (turn to page 23)
Aug 24, 2008 at 8:27 pm rating: 3
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