The Whore of West Babylon

August 23rd, 2008 · 123 comments

Jasy from Laurel, Maryland spotted this beauty while driving down the New Jersey Turnpike.

“I’m dying to know just how blasphemous Denise is to deserve the sign,” Jasy says. “But is it really that surprising that the Anti-Christ would claim Jersey as home base?”

DENISE IS THE ANTI CHRIST

related: No, He uses Vaseline
extra credit: “Hey, look our toll plaza over” [nytimes.com]

FILED UNDER: Jesus · New Jersey · WTF?


123 responses so far ↓

  • #1   amy d bang

    I work with a lady named Denise Christ (although not in Jersey). Obviously this sign is wrong.

    Aug 23, 2008 at 1:42 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

    • #1.1   Claire

      I had a supervisor last year who we all thought was the Antichrist…

      Aug 24, 2008 at 1:11 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #1.2   Upstater

      maybe her middle name was Anti

      Aug 24, 2008 at 9:43 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #2   amy d bang

    Denise, the Anti Christ, now open on Sunday from 12 to 9!

    Aug 23, 2008 at 1:44 pm   rating: 18  small thumbs up

    • #2.1   Adam

      Denise, the antichrist

      A musical

      starring Especially Deborah as the Ant-christ

      Aug 26, 2008 at 11:10 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #3   0falcon8 bang

    Denise the Anti-Christ now sponsored by:
    Anheuser-Busch

    Aug 23, 2008 at 1:50 pm   rating: 9  small thumbs up

    • #3.1   amy d bang

      She is a whore. I can totally see her bush.

      Aug 23, 2008 at 1:54 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #4   fantasy bang

    “Turn left at the Turnpike Inn”

    “That is what it says here on Mapquest, I told you honey, I got the directions on how to get our “Handbasket straight through to Hell.”

    ” This seems to be the shortest route.” “Yes, I know we will miss Mass on Sunday because it says here the Turnpike is only open from 9 to 12, but it is the quickest route”!

    Aug 23, 2008 at 2:09 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #4.1   kthxbai

      I am really confused by this story but maybe it is just because I am stoned.

      Aug 29, 2008 at 2:28 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #5   ian in hamburg

    A coded message, obviously.

    Denise is an auntie? Christ!

    Aug 23, 2008 at 2:32 pm   rating: 9  small thumbs up

    • #5.1   fantasy bang

      I wonder if they know who the Father is?

      Aug 23, 2008 at 2:56 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #6   Canthz_B bang

    I’ve had my heart crushed by a woman, but Denise took this dude’s soul!! 8-O

    Aug 23, 2008 at 2:49 pm   rating: 11  small thumbs up

    • #6.1   Claire

      Obviously the owner/manager of the Turnpike Inn is now feverishishly adding an additional rule to the already bulky employee handbook:”No employee will be permitted to use the Inn’s message board unless said message has recieved prior approval from management.”

      Aug 24, 2008 at 1:07 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #7   Canthz_B bang

    That must be off a turnpike exit. It doesn’t look like one of the NJ Turnpike rest areas.

    I’ll bet it’s down in rural South Jersey too. That’s were we keep our state’s bible belt and Confederate flag license plates. :???:

    Aug 23, 2008 at 2:56 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #7.1   Canthz_B bang

      Sorry, Kerry. I just read the extra credit link. The opinions I stated (except the bible belt/confederate flag joke) in #7 are reported as facts in the final paragraph of the article.

      The Turnpike Inn is located in Deepwater, NJ, off Exit 1 of the Turnpike (very South Jersey).

      Aug 23, 2008 at 3:06 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #7.2   se

      There is a Turnpike Inn just outside of Penn’s Grove. think just off 295.

      you knew that…
      didn’t notice the link
      worthless comment…

      Aug 23, 2008 at 3:09 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #7.3   snee bang

      this turnpike inn is just off route 666.

      Aug 23, 2008 at 4:26 pm   rating: 17  small thumbs up

       
    • #7.4   Claire

      The Highway to Hell is located in New Jersey???? Oh my….

      Aug 24, 2008 at 1:08 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #7.5   jackie31337

      Where else would it be?

      Aug 24, 2008 at 5:51 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #7.6   PandoraWombat bang

      Cleveland.

      Aug 24, 2008 at 6:45 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #7.7   Bellabeastie

      Watchit — no one disses my beloved Mistake On The Lake…

      Aug 25, 2008 at 9:41 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #8   Quite Contrary bang

    She buzzed apartment #3…more than once.

    Aug 23, 2008 at 3:21 pm   rating: 18  small thumbs up

     
  • #9   Canthz_B bang

    Jasy is from Maryland. Maybe the anti-Christ just prefers NJ because she loves money!

    States ranked by median household income in order

    Average Median Household Income by State:

    1. New Jersey – $64,169
    2. Maryland – $62,372
    3. Hawaii – $60,681
    4. New Hampshire – $60,489
    5. Connecticut – $59,972

    Aug 23, 2008 at 3:29 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #9.1   aaa

      Naw, the anti-Christ prefers New Jersey because it’s one of the more major anuses of America.

      Aug 23, 2008 at 3:42 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #9.2   Canthz_B bang

      aaa,

      Jersey jokes died in the 1970′s along with our manufacturing base. NJ is High Tech, Banking & Finance and Pharmaceuticals now.

      NJ is where Washington crossed the Delaware to get to. NJ is where Washington won the Battle of Monmouth. NJ is where Edison invented the electric light, the phonograph and moving pictures.
      NJ is Bel Labs/Lucent Technologies where the transistor was invented.

      I could go on for hours, but your ignorance of NJ has been adequately addressed.

      Aug 23, 2008 at 4:22 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
    • #9.3   amazon bang

      I dunno CB, everything I know about NJ I learned in View Askew movies and funny T-Shirts. Kevin Smith and Busted Tees couln’t possibly be *wrong* about anything!

      http://www.bustedtees.com/jerseygirls

      Aug 23, 2008 at 4:53 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #9.4   se

      Ah, CB,, was just thinking of Jersey beaches in summer, gazing out over the water on a nice bright afternoon…oh my

      Aug 23, 2008 at 6:56 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #9.5   aaa

      Being a geographical anus is no joke. Also, history and technological advances don’t make a place any less of an anus. Par example: All sorts of historical shit has happened in Kentucky and some Kentucky inventions include the gas mask, the steamboat, the traffic light, Preparation H, the sun lamp, and the Thompson submachine gun. But Kentucky is still something of an anus in popular culture. I still get asked if I lived on a farm and how many horses I own.

      Besides, TV wouldn’t lie, would it?

      BTW, Edison first introduced his incandescent bulbs in Louisville. ;)

      Aug 23, 2008 at 7:58 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #9.6   aaa

      Although I suppose we could both take comfort in the fact that California is the biggest anus in the country. ;)

      Aug 23, 2008 at 8:04 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #9.7   secondsout bang

      I knew a girl in college who was from Delaware. The only thing that people knew about Delaware was the bit in Wayne’s World where they say, “Hi… We’re… In… Delaware…” Her retort to that was, “I’ll have you know that Delaware was the first state to ratify the constitution!” Umm, neato…

      This girl was named Gwen; we all called her Gwench.

      Aug 23, 2008 at 9:19 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #9.8   Canthz_B bang

      KY is something of an anus???
      Now that’s an understatement!
      Does Hee Haw still air there?

      KY is know for grass seeds, booze and fine horse-flesh.
      How hard is it to grow grass, build a still, or get horses to fuck?

      Edison may have introduced the incandescent bulb in KY, but it was invented in NJ, so in essence it was introduced here, in his lab.

      Now, to be serious and fair, I’m sure KY is a lovely place to live and I wouldn’t dream of putting down an entire state over a few of its negatives because all states have negatives.
      I’m just asking you to give NJ the same respect…especially since casting it as an all factory and oil refinery and major highway state is so very far from the truth. The majority of NJ is sprawling suburbia or rural areas, both liberally dotted with McMansions.

      Aug 23, 2008 at 9:49 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #9.9   Canthz_B bang

      I know, Se…Good times to be had down the shore!

      Maybe I can get to one of those fine KY beaches before Labor Day! :lol:

      Aug 23, 2008 at 9:57 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #9.10   Miss Unloop

      Memories of the boardwalk in Wildwood…

      Still beautiful during the dead of winter too.

      Aug 23, 2008 at 10:11 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #9.11   Canthz_B bang

      In ’76 my family stayed at a motel in Wildwood Crest, Two suites, for two weeks! Boy, I thought was the best summer ever!

      Remember Brigantine Castle and The Haunted Mansion at Long Branch?

      Aug 23, 2008 at 10:23 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #9.12   Miss Unloop

      No… didn’t make it to either place, unfortunately. We were visiting my sister after my nephew’s birth (some 21 years ago) and were confined to their immediate area, which was right on the boardwalk. We did make it out to Cape May, though – I remember a cool store called “Cheeks at the Beach”. They had awesome vintage clothing there!

      Aug 23, 2008 at 10:45 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #9.13   Miss Unloop

      BTW, CB – isn’t KY also known for that versatile jelly? ;)

      Aug 23, 2008 at 10:47 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #9.14   Canthz_B bang

      Oh, I think they had both burned down by then. I was tripping back to late ’70s.

      Cape May is beautiful. I love the architecture there.

      I thought the same thing about the jelly for years! Ruined my early understanding of sex. Girls don’t get into jam until much later in life! LOL

      Aug 23, 2008 at 10:58 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #9.15   Miss Unloop

      I am reminded of an early French & Saunders sketch in which they are discussing safe sex practices, one of which includes “applying various spermicidal jams and jellies” to one’s nether regions… ahhh, how I love them so!

      Aug 23, 2008 at 11:22 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #9.16   Claire

      And here all along, I thought East Texas was the anus of the United States……

      Aug 24, 2008 at 1:10 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #9.17   Bellabeastie

      Nope — Gary, Indiana.

      The Armpit of the United States.

      Aug 24, 2008 at 2:58 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #9.18   Fnnkybutt

      There may be many anuses around the US, but only Florida is America’s wang.

      Aug 24, 2008 at 3:33 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #9.19   Canthz_B bang

      That made my Apalachicolas itch!

      Ya gotta see the map to appreciate this one! :-)

      Aug 24, 2008 at 3:57 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #9.20   PandoraWombat bang

      I, too am from Louisville (and still live here)! I think part of the reason KY has a public reputation as an “anus” is because whenever any sort of natural disaster occurs — usually a tornado — CNN always manages to find the dumbest, most buck-toothed, drunk-guy-in-a-wifebeater and underaged-mother-with-3-kids in a trailer park:

      “Well I knowed somethin wuz wrong when I looked out the winder and them pigs wuz flying thru the air…” Those are the only Kentuckians who ever seem to get interviewed.

      Oh, except during the Derby, of course. Derby week is the best time to get the hell out of town until the annoyance blows over. And who can forget the mind-blowing, pollution-spewing monstrosity Thunder Over Louisville — the largest fireworks show in North America!!

      Mmmm. Come to think of it Colonel Sanders had a hand in all this as well. My mother and her two sisters actually grew up in Corbin, KY (home of KFC), actually worked for him in the original restaurant (said he was one of the meanest, most foul-tempered men they had ever known), and personally knew the poor old cook lady who developed that famous recipe — she lived just down the street. And she went on to die in basically anonymous poverty while the Colonel made millions off her creation.

      And this guy wasn’t even a real Colonel. He was a “Kentucky Colonel” — a completely honorary title. While I’m not trying to belittle that accomplishment, I must say that my dad happens to be a Kentucky Colonel, as are a handful of other people we know — but you don’t see any of them demanding to have “Colonel” as some sort of permanent title in front of their names. I mean, what next? Will members of the Knights of Columbus start demanding to be called Sir So-And-So? How arrogant.

      And another thing!… Wait. What were we talking about?

      Aug 24, 2008 at 7:14 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #9.21   amazon bang

      aaa @ 9.6

      You have it wrong. The biggest anuses live in California!

      Aug 25, 2008 at 2:25 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #9.22   Holiday Djinn

      Fnky, I think the prefer “The Sunshine State”. . . .

      Aug 25, 2008 at 11:19 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #10   aaa

    Damn! And here I thought I was the anti-Christ! I guess I’ll have to step up my soul stealing and Bible burning.

    Aug 23, 2008 at 3:34 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

     
  • #11   snee bang

    gee, i always thought the anti-christ would be called bob or mavis or, oh, i don’t know…mishee.

    Aug 23, 2008 at 4:33 pm   rating: 13  small thumbs up

     
  • #12   HS

    Is that Big letter A the SCARLET LETTER for Denise? After all, she is the Anti-Christ and is on display from 12-9.

    Aug 23, 2008 at 4:42 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #13   Miss Unloop

    Especially Deborah and Denise the Anti-Christ need to hook up and burn PopCorn together over the fiery pits of hell.

    Aug 23, 2008 at 4:56 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #13.1   Bellabeastie

      Welcome to Hell :shock:
      Buzz twice for the howling demon cursing baby, once for Ed McMahon, three times for admission to the Mongolian BBQ. And no big jobs or puking in the elevators.

      Any questions, see Casey in HR.

      THX
      SATAN

      Aug 24, 2008 at 2:21 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #14   Crash bang

    The Jersey Devil attends religiously. :twisted:

    Aug 23, 2008 at 4:57 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

     
  • #15   Red Letterboxer

    “Denise is the Anti Christ – Open Sunday 12 to 9″

    Because even the Anti Christ is closed during church services on Sunday morning.

    Aug 23, 2008 at 5:07 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #16   Red Letterboxer

    I think I saw Denise Is The Anti Christ open for Peter Gabriel back in the 80s.

    Aug 23, 2008 at 5:08 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

     
  • #17   Miss Unloop

    If Denise is “open” between 12 and 9 on Sundays, she WOULD be the Anti-Christ…

    Aug 23, 2008 at 5:17 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #18   schrodingersduck bang

    Last time I visited the Turnpike Inn, I had a Hell of a time. The staff are a bit beastly, but the breakfast is sinfully good – the devilled eggs are damned tasty!

    Aug 23, 2008 at 5:21 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

     
  • #19   michelle

    I can’t say I’m surprised that the anti-christ is named Denise.

    Aug 23, 2008 at 7:18 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

     
  • #20   secondsout bang

    Maybe Charlie Sheen owns this inn.

    Aug 23, 2008 at 9:21 pm   rating: 22  small thumbs up

     
  • #21   secondsout bang

    You know, with signs like this, someone could have put that up as a joke on the business owners. I *might* have done that a time or two. A restaurant’s country daily catfish special on sundays somehow became the “daily assfuck special” after some creative rearranging of the letters, and taking letters from the other side of the sign.

    Aug 23, 2008 at 9:31 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #21.1   Burghardt

      So I wonder what the sign originally said….

      A residence thins his tit?

      A sentenced Irish hits it?

      Hi this a centered insist?

      Aug 24, 2008 at 6:28 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #21.2   katrina

      a cherished stein in tits?

      Aug 25, 2008 at 5:03 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #21.3   bean

      Hint is that residence is

      this residence his taint

      Open Sunday
      12-9
      ?

      Aug 28, 2008 at 4:27 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #22   secondsout bang

    And all this time I thought Ann Coulter was the anti-Christ.

    Aug 23, 2008 at 9:35 pm   rating: 11  small thumbs up

    • #22.1   Quite Contrary bang

      I thought it was Dick Cheney.

      Aug 23, 2008 at 10:23 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #22.2   Quite Contrary bang

      Actually, I still do.

      Aug 23, 2008 at 10:23 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #22.3   secondsout bang

      You raise a good point. Perhaps there are multiple anti-Christs?

      Aug 24, 2008 at 12:40 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #22.4   Claire

      In George W’s administration, I think there exists many fallen angels…..

      Aug 24, 2008 at 2:59 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #22.5   mark

      Clearly Denise is the child of ann Coulter and Dick Cheney.

      Aug 27, 2008 at 1:43 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #23   pilgrimchick

    I’m curious about Denise’s reaction to this–whether she may see nine hours of performance as the Anti-Christ as far too much, or whether she may disagree with the connotation entirely.

    Aug 23, 2008 at 10:20 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #24   Your Sister

    Wow, Canthz B, you really are one of those folks who can dish it out but can’t take it, aren’t you? Way to defend NJ. It really is a gorgeous armpit!

    Aug 23, 2008 at 10:21 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

    • #24.1   Canthz_B bang

      Maybe you have not noticed, but I don’t spend my time here putting down the places other people live. Mainly because I have not been there.

      Maybe you missed this part:

      Now, to be serious and fair, I’m sure KY is a lovely place to live and I wouldn’t dream of putting down an entire state over a few of its negatives because all states have negatives.
      I’m just asking you to give NJ the same respect…

      Glad to know that you are an armpit authority though. ;-)

      (please try to nest your comments, thanks)

      Aug 23, 2008 at 10:29 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #24.2   Miss Unloop

      Cripes, enough with the NJ bashing, already! You wanna see an armpit? Try living in a state that has towns with names like Hogwaller Holler and Lickskillet.

      Aug 23, 2008 at 11:16 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #24.3   Missy

      who died and made you hall monitor CB?

      Aug 23, 2008 at 11:22 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #24.4   Crash bang

      Not you…

      Aug 23, 2008 at 11:25 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #24.5   Canthz_B bang

      Mishee left the sash with me.
      Why, did my “please” and “thank you” offend you, Missy?

      It just makes it easier to know what someone is referring to.

      Aug 23, 2008 at 11:27 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #24.6   snee bang

      i thought hall monitor was an elected position… guess i’ll be throwing away my “go snee!” buttons, bumperstickers, and posters. damn, and what about all the money i spent on tv ads?!

      Aug 23, 2008 at 11:31 pm   rating: 13  small thumbs up

       
    • #24.7   Miss Unloop

      Why don’t you run as an independent candidate? I’m sure the voters will be interested to hear your thoughts on the policies governing females surfing the crimson wave and spitwad disarmament! I like to make informed decisions, myself…

      Aug 23, 2008 at 11:46 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #24.8   Claire

      Ah, the joys of PAN! :) Feel the love!!!!

      Aug 24, 2008 at 1:14 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #24.9   Canthz_B bang

      Miss Unloop, I thought you were joking about Hogwaller Holler and Lickskillet.

      They must be between Mayberry and Mount Pilot! :-)

      Aug 24, 2008 at 2:30 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #24.10   Burghardt

      CB has a sister?

      Aug 24, 2008 at 6:12 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #24.11   se

      and her name is Denise and she lives in South Jersey

      Aug 24, 2008 at 8:53 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #24.12   HS

      UM, yeah- actually KY has some interesting names- I just drove thru there last week.

      Big Bone Lick State Park
      Blue Lick State Park
      Stinking Creek Rd (that might be in TN- can’t remember…)

      Aug 24, 2008 at 1:37 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #24.13   PandoraWombat bang

      Don’t forget Waddy.

      Aug 24, 2008 at 7:17 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #25   momentaryennui

    “denise is the anti christ”

    please ignore the above statement as being in any way creepy and now pay attention to our hours of operation, because there’s absolutely no way that you’re still transfixed on that part about denise being the anti christ. nope. no way at all.

    Aug 23, 2008 at 10:51 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

    • #25.1   Quite Contrary bang

      Hours of operation? Really? Where?

      Aug 23, 2008 at 11:18 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #26   claw71 bang

    Denise? She might be a whore but she’s no Antichrist. I’ve seen the Antichrist. I’ve felt her cold fingers grasp my very soul. In fact, I can still feel her claws tearing at my heart. No, Denise is not the Antichrist. These people know not what evil the Antichrist is capable of. I do, for I am caught under the spell of she who must not be named.

    She is devious. It’s all so innocent at first. You bump into each other during a Meatloaf parody and feel a slight connection but you dismiss it. It’s the internet, you say, nothing has meaning here. Then you see her again, matching you joke for joke. She proves herself to be your intellectual equal and even surpasses you at times, but not so much as to stir your insecurities. It’s so calculated. You become intrigued, but again you resist. Then she makes the first move…”Come on over and chat, ” she says. So you do, mostly because you’re at work and Mishee’s screwing up the thread with more self-aggrandizement. So you chat. And it’s fun. She’s funny, witty, intelligent and sweet. It’s so easy and natural. Your whole day slips by and you don’t realize it until the cleaning crew comes in to empty your trash can…but even then you don’t care. Because you’re under her spell.

    By the time you realize what has happened, she owns you. You tell your self that you won’t chat with her until you fill out those TPS reports but at 10:30 you’re checking the connection to make sure it’s up. Then she logs on and like a giddy school boy you type your reply before she hits the enter key.

    The week rolls by and now you’re chatting with her at work and at home as well as the ride between the two. She talks to you about how she likes sex. Likes it rough and dirty just like you. She’s a dream come true. Your eyes glaze over. You narrowly miss running a dangerous red light because you’re responding to her text message…made possible because you gave your phone number out to a total stranger on the web. What were you thinking?

    Friday comes and you’re phone is glued to your ear listening to every word that comes out of her mouth. At this point she’s talking gibberish because she knows you don’t care. You just want to hear her. You can almost hear her laughing in disgust at how easy it was.

    But you hold out hope…The weekend. Surely you can wrest yourself away from her charms over the weekend. After all, she’s got a life and you pretend you do and this weekend, dammit you’re going to pretend like never before. You make up lies about canoing and bowling, hoping she’ll respect your boundaries and it seems to work. Most of the day goes by and you feel the shackles start to loosen. I’m OK, you say to yourself. I don’t have to murder my wife and kids, at least not for this. But then your phone vibrates and you see that there’s a text waiting for you. You know better but you convince yourself that it could be from somebody else, even though you’re almost 40 and nobody you know even tries to use text messaging. You open that message knowing what’s going to happen and when those cold black talons reach out of the phone to clasp your soul, you bear it willingly.

    No Denise is not the Antichrist…just thank the lord you don’t know who it is.

    Aug 24, 2008 at 12:54 am   rating: 23  small thumbs up

    • #26.1   snee bang

      mark? no, wait.

      Aug 24, 2008 at 1:09 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #26.2   Claire

      A griping piece of prose, claw71! I was transfixed and held hostage by your narrative spell…I wanted to leave your comment as it was long and I felt, I must hurry and see what other responders have written…my ADD was starting to kick in…I felt the urgent need to text someone…anyone…and discuss sex or other questionable topics…I wept when I came to the end of your narrative…and could only ask myself, “How few of us 35+ text?” and “What a seductive story Claw71 has written” I must go take a cold shower and contemplate upon this….

      Aug 24, 2008 at 1:20 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #26.3   spunky monkey

      WOW! That’s a spicy meatball.

      Scorn much, buddy?

      Aug 24, 2008 at 1:48 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #26.4   Crash bang

      You would too…

      Aug 24, 2008 at 2:09 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #26.5   Canthz_B bang

      Ooo! Ooo! I know who’s sitting in a tree K-I-S-S-I-N-G!

      Well, it’s either her or her mother! :mrgreen:

      Aug 24, 2008 at 2:12 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #26.6   zombieBlanco bang

      Or both!

      Aug 24, 2008 at 2:15 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #26.7   Canthz_B bang

      Would that make it threesome calling?

      Aug 24, 2008 at 2:32 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #26.8   anglophile bang

      Oooh! Mishee’s gonna be so mad! :P

      Aug 24, 2008 at 7:03 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #26.9   Quite Contrary bang

      Did you fall for the “charms” of Lurker?

      Aug 24, 2008 at 7:49 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #26.10   Numinous bang

      Based on Claw’s story, I’ve done a fair impersonation of the antichrist. That was long ago though, and I’m pretty sure it wasn’t with Claw. Not unless he’s changed his screen name…

      Aug 24, 2008 at 8:06 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #26.11   RunBarbara bang

      claw wrote this about my mom. i guess i should come clean. i was trying to not speak of this at the advice of my lawyer, but enough is enough.
      he’s been found going through her garbage cans late at night, rubbing the left over salmon from her dinner all over his face, trying to re-create her special musk. she is getting dozens of heavy-breathing calls every day and texts from numbers she doesnt recognize that say things like “tonight: you”. i found smudgy prints where he pressed his face to the window of her house, trying to, i imagine, get as close to her as possible. a few feet lower are smudges of a different kind, longer, wetter and stickier. for a moment i’d wondered if she had the glass frosted and then realized it was frosting of a different kind. the rose bed ive seen him standing in has been growing like crazy and i think it has to do with the extra helpings of protein.
      you can call her the anti-Christ if it makes you feel better, claw, but we all know that before you go to bed at night you whisper- “sleep well, my fair angel” to the frayed pair of panties you have tucked inside your Star Wars pillowcase.

      Aug 24, 2008 at 2:42 pm   rating: 11  small thumbs up

       
    • #26.12   Canthz_B bang

      claw has Ignatius J. Reilly-like sheets? 8-O

      Aug 24, 2008 at 4:08 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #27   pirateywill bang

    At least we know where the anti-christ is. Some one call a pope or something

    Aug 24, 2008 at 1:25 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #28   Ellen

    That actually made me a little hot…I wonder who has Claw all worked up…

    Aug 24, 2008 at 1:51 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #29   Burghardt

    could it be ….SATAN?

    oops, just showed my age.

    Aug 24, 2008 at 6:09 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #29.1   HS

      No, it’s just Santa.

      Aug 24, 2008 at 1:38 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #30   The Great Joe Bivins

    That’s the name of the play they’re putting on, the dates for the show just fell off.

    Aug 24, 2008 at 6:22 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #30.1   Burghardt

      Wow! A nine hour play? Hope they have either frequent intermissions or complimentary Depends.

      Aug 24, 2008 at 6:30 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #31   what the holy hell

    Fuck NJ… do you know how tired I am of being asked if I like the cold, or if I ride a dogsled, or if living in an igloo is fun and how can I get internet in an igloo…

    Or if I’m a fisherman… wtf.

    Aug 24, 2008 at 8:50 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #31.1   Claire

      I’m confused, Holy Hell…are you from New Jersey and there are dimnwits who actually think there are igloos in New Jersey or do you hail from the beautiful wilderness known as Alaska…in which case, do you really have moose and polar bear running asmok through city alleyways? :)

      Aug 24, 2008 at 3:03 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #31.2   Canthz_B bang

      I wouldn’d mind being known as a “bush pilot”. :-)

      Aug 24, 2008 at 4:01 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #31.3   Nikki

      I am from Alaska and I hate those questions. No, I don’t have a pet Polar Bear. Yes there are some moose but they are not running amok. Polar Bears are only in the very upper region where almost no one (except the crazies) live.

      And no. I do not live in an igloo, nor am I Eskimo (my old roommate, however, is Eskimo).

      Aug 25, 2008 at 1:56 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #31.4   pardon me

      Eskimo = Snow Mexican

      Aug 25, 2008 at 11:41 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #31.5   jennipurrr

      I’m from Canada and I once convinced an American in a chat room that I was on one of Canada’s computers… that I had signed up months before and was pretty excited to be taking my turn.

      The questions can be annoying, but the ability to mess with the minds of the idiots is really quite fun!

      Aug 25, 2008 at 3:02 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #31.6   katrina

      i once chatted online with an american who wanted to know where we ‘got the extra land for a new territory’ ie nunavut…….sheesh.

      Aug 25, 2008 at 4:57 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #31.7   Canthz_B bang

      Yes…because we all know that all of the idiots in the world live in the USA. :roll:

      I thought Canadians were Americans, but geography class was a long time ago and maybe they moved Canada off of this continent while I wasn’t looking.

      Aug 29, 2008 at 3:08 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #32   Crystal

    That anti-christ was fucking delicious… :p

    Aug 24, 2008 at 1:03 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #33   john

    Denise’s Ex: “Denise is such a bitch!”
    Supportive Friend of Denise’s Ex: “Dude, she’s the frickin’ anti-christ!”
    Ex: “I’m going to put that on the sign out front!”
    Supportive Friend: “You should totally do that!”
    Ex: “Yeah!”
    Supportive Friend: “Yeah, and let’s drink more beer, too!”

    Aug 24, 2008 at 2:37 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #34   Jahzzie

    Ah, to be from The Best State EVAR, New Jersey, where the weak are eaten and you ask the air permission to breathe it. Ok, yes, you play “guess that smell” when driving through Newark or Elizabeth and going to the beach is referred to and pronounced “Goin’ downthashore”. And yes, we know our state is fucked up, we have an entire magazine dedicated to how weird and fucked up we are.
    I’m proud to say that I’m from NJ, because being so means that I and the rest of NJ residents could survive a nuclear holocaust.
    Where else can you find a 24 hour diner where the wait staff greets you with “What the fuck do you want!?!”
    So what if our women are referred to as “Anti-Christs”? We like them like that! Denise is only one of many.
    Oh and NJ has it’s own sub level of hell, it’s called the Pine Barrens, home of our very own Jersey Devil.
    If ya don’t like our state, and you can get the fuck out. We don’t need you watering down the the greatness that is us.

    Aug 24, 2008 at 6:57 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

     
  • #35   PandoraWombat bang

    I always thought the Anti-Christ was a comic book superhero.

    Never fear — the Anti-Christ is here!

    Maybe “Denise” is the Anti-Christ’s everyday identity. Curses for giving that away!!!

    Aug 24, 2008 at 7:27 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #36   F.O.R.

    …could this refer to Denise Richards (or whichever way you’re supposed to spell her name) [colon-it's complicated] ?

    Aug 25, 2008 at 10:48 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #37   PandoraWilde

    Hell=Jersey totally worked in Dogma, so why not in real life?

    Aug 27, 2008 at 5:02 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #37.1   Canthz_B bang

      Because Hell and movies are not real and New Jersey is?

      Aug 27, 2008 at 5:18 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #37.2   Canthz_B bang

      Plus, I don’t think Dogma depicted NJ as Hell but more like the site of Armageddon.

      I’m not a big movie buff, so I will leave the details to Mishee, et. al.

      Aug 27, 2008 at 5:24 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #38   mark

    So what does Denise do the rest of the week after being the Anti Christ on Sunday from 12:00 to 9:00? Who is the Anti Christ on Tuesday between the hours of 2:00 am and 6:00 am? How does one apply for this job and what are the qualifications. I’ve looked on Dice and Monster.com and no job listings for the AntiChrist!!! DAMNIT MAN!!!! I NEED to KNOW!!!

    Aug 27, 2008 at 1:54 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #39   Jesus H

    I’d pay cash $ to see them replace Denise’s name with mine.

    Sep 2, 2008 at 9:02 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #40   listing in now magazine’s adult classifieds: $70. revenge?

    [...] related: the whore of west babylon [...]

    Oct 6, 2008 at 9:38 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #41   dkwona mrut

    ryfd bvprj ynml tclhwxb zbpqsl vxndcm ghsfzaou

    Nov 9, 2008 at 5:53 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     

Comments are Closed