so, you’ve decided to go out

August 25th, 2008 · 138 comments

last year, emily in canterbury, england lived in a house with six other roommates — two guys downstairs, five girls upstairs. as is wont to happen in such circumstances, “we were originally all really good mates, but relationships deteriorated as the year went on,” emily says — “the boys thought the girls were too messy!”

one source of flatmate friction, emily says, was the habit a couple of the girls had of forgetting their keys when they went out clubbing…and then pounding on the front door at 3 a.m., raving drunk, until one of the guys let them in.

the low point came when one of the guys got woken up by an angry taxi driver rapping on his window (after one of the girls had tossed him 50p and run upstairs). emily says this note appeared soon after.

so, you've decided to go out

related: the two-word compromise you’re looking for: zip wire

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FILED UNDER: bullet points · canterbury · drizzunk · roommates · u.k.


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138 responses so far ↓

  • #1   Canthz_B

    Moral of the story is: forget your keys, make a living on your knees!

    Aug 25, 2008 at 8:27 pm   rating: +64  

    • #1.1   Wade

      Moral of the story is: coroner is a good career choice for a necrophiliac.

      Aug 25, 2008 at 8:35 pm   rating: +29  

       
    • #1.2   Claire

      This was a most convoluted story…I began to wonder the point….then it dawned on me: Forget your keys, take drugs, and become so very fried that you cannot recall where you left your abode, much less where you left your keys.

      Aug 25, 2008 at 9:07 pm   rating: +1  

       
    • #1.3   Claire

      Moral of the story: If you are a drug dealin’ pimp, keep on the lookout for drunken women staggering about in the cold wind of early morning as they just may have forgotten their keys. Thus she will become a client and an employee–a win-win situation…

      Aug 25, 2008 at 9:09 pm   rating: +8  

       
    • #1.4   amy d

      Moral of the story: Don’t live with dickwads who jump to extreme conclusions.

      Aug 25, 2008 at 9:14 pm   rating: +19  

       
    • #1.5   Miss Unloop

      Or it could be: go out, lock out, put out!

      Aug 25, 2008 at 11:08 pm   rating: +13  

       
    • #1.6   morpho aurora

      moral of the story: take the dickwad room mate with you. after all, wouldn’t you like to choose your co-workers? just remember to make him deal with all the rough trade.

      Aug 25, 2008 at 11:47 pm   rating: +5  

       
    • #1.7   S&M

      Moral of the story.
      If you are a self centered, self absorbed, inconsiderate twat don’t be surprised when someone calls you on your bad behaviour.

      Aug 26, 2008 at 9:41 am   rating: +36  

       
    • #1.8   GhostWriter

      Moral of the story:

      Add dash of brown sugar makes a delightful Candy.

      Aug 26, 2008 at 10:22 am   rating: +8  

       
    • #1.9   Canthz_B

      Necro-feel-iac! LOL

      Aug 26, 2008 at 6:31 pm   rating: 0  

       
     
  • #2   bean

    The only way I always remember my keys is when I’m driving…yes! One more reason to validate my practice makes perfect argument!

    Aug 25, 2008 at 8:30 pm   rating: 0  

     
  • #3   Wade

    An OD of heroine?

    How many more lives will Wonder Woman claim?

    Aug 25, 2008 at 8:39 pm   rating: +55  

    • #3.1   Canthz_B

      Addiction to heroine is like having a she-monkey on your back. :-P

      Aug 25, 2008 at 8:45 pm   rating: +3  

       
    • #3.2   amy d

      An addiction to heroine leads little girls to get strung out on The Powerpuff Girls these days. It’s a tragedy.

      Aug 25, 2008 at 9:09 pm   rating: +8  

       
    • #3.3   Claire

      Addiction to heroine constantly leads one to thrill seeking yearnings for Laura Croft movies…and wondering why out of all the Smurfs, there was only one Smurfette…

      Aug 25, 2008 at 9:11 pm   rating: 0  

       
    • #3.4   Canthz_B

      She can take it…ever seen a Smurf pecker? Like blue rice grains!

      Aug 25, 2008 at 9:20 pm   rating: +3  

       
    • #3.5   Claire

      Which lends new meaning to the phrase “thin blue line”

      Aug 25, 2008 at 9:23 pm   rating: +2  

       
    • #3.6   Canthz_B

      Hey, those grains fluff up nicely given the right heat and humidity.

      Aug 25, 2008 at 9:27 pm   rating: +4  

       
    • #3.7   AuntyBron

      I wanna know where and when CB saw the Smurf peckers.

      Aug 27, 2008 at 11:33 am   rating: 0  

       
    • #3.8   SarahBelle

      Or why there was only one female in the McDonald’s character line up. Or why there’s only one female M&M…

      Aug 27, 2008 at 1:26 pm   rating: 0  

       
     
  • #4   LThrace

    Drugs are bad mmmkay.

    Aug 25, 2008 at 8:40 pm   rating: +4  

    • #4.1   Claire

      This is your ‘ho. This is your ‘ho on drugs.

      “Just say no”

      Aug 25, 2008 at 9:12 pm   rating: +9  

       
     
  • #5   Wade

    This note reads like the script 0f a 1950’s health class film strip:

    “There once was a girl who went out to get drunk”

    *ding*

    “But forgot to take her keys.”

    Aug 25, 2008 at 8:48 pm   rating: +15  

    • #5.1   Canthz_B

      MST3K material in the making! :-)

      Aug 25, 2008 at 9:18 pm   rating: +2  

       
    • #5.2   James

      Whoa whoaaa tubby, you’re not on the moon yet!

      Aug 26, 2008 at 4:00 am   rating: +4  

       
     
  • #6   Canthz_B

    Damn! I thought we were going to get a limerick!

    There once was a girl who went out.
    To get drunk is what she was about.
    Without keys she left home,
    On the streets doomed to roam,
    Now her pubic hair’s
    In Quincy’s comb.

    Aug 25, 2008 at 8:52 pm   rating: +40  

    • #6.1   Claire

      Sheer artistry, CB!

      Aug 25, 2008 at 9:13 pm   rating: 0  

       
    • #6.2   Quincy

      That’s not a proper limerick! There are five lines following the rhyme scheme A, A, B, B, A.

      It was good until the last line though. Keep try.

      Aug 25, 2008 at 9:57 pm   rating: +10  

       
    • #6.3   claw71

      Come on, CB isn’t Irish. How’s he supposed to keep up with that whack-ass shit? Keep on keepin on CB. The brothas got yo back. The brothas.

      Aug 25, 2008 at 10:41 pm   rating: +2  

       
    • #6.4   Canthz_B

      Gee, Quincy, I’m very sorry. I’m Scottish by blood.
      Care to give me an example of a proper limerick rather than point out the flaws in mine?

      Oh. Look. People liked it anyway. ;-)

      Aug 25, 2008 at 11:31 pm   rating: +1  

       
    • #6.5   Canthz_B

      This comment is for my friend Quincy,
      Who points out things that I did not see.
      Is he pulling my leg?
      Is he drinking a keg?
      He fucks with me but does not know me! :evil:

      How’s that?

      Aug 25, 2008 at 11:41 pm   rating: +9  

       
    • #6.6   Canthz_B

      There once was a girl who went out.
      To get drunk is what she was about.
      Without keys she left home,
      On the streets doomed to roam,
      Now the coroner’s report’s full of doubt!

      Just to make everything copacetic.

      Aug 25, 2008 at 11:49 pm   rating: +9  

       
    • #6.7   Miss Unloop

      Nice recovery, CB!

      Aug 26, 2008 at 12:21 am   rating: 0  

       
    • #6.8   Canthz_B

      A man’s gotta do what a man’s gotta do, Miss U! :mrgreen:

      Aug 26, 2008 at 1:22 am   rating: +1  

       
    • #6.9   James

      There once was a girl who went out
      But she forgot her keys and a confrontational episode was the consequence, with an amusing note being written by her roommate as a result of all the melodrama

      Close?… No?

      Aug 26, 2008 at 4:05 am   rating: +27  

       
    • #6.10   Canthz_B

      Close enough for PAN :-D

      Aug 26, 2008 at 4:16 am   rating: +1  

       
    • #6.11   Mishee

      I thought CB was one of those “Black Irish” I’ve heard so much about… but now I know he’s of Scottish descent, I’m not allowed to talk to him anymore!

      Aug 26, 2008 at 8:57 am   rating: +3  

       
    • #6.12   Mel

      Wow CB, can’t you see Quincy is just trying to offer some constructive criticism. He even said keep trying. He’s probably an English teacher and they’re like that. You’re lucky he didn’t grade you.

      Aug 26, 2008 at 1:55 pm   rating: +1  

       
    • #6.13   secondsout

      A girl without keys once got wasted
      And soon some brown sugar she tasted
      She sucked dick for crack
      and OD’ed on smack
      And with the coroner’s spooge she got basted

      Aug 26, 2008 at 3:21 pm   rating: +34  

       
    • #6.14   Wade

      English teacher?

      “It was good until the last line though. Keep try.”

      Maybe not.

      Aug 26, 2008 at 3:22 pm   rating: +4  

       
    • #6.15   Tina O

      Well done Secondsout! :lol: I have to give it a try though it won’t be as glorious.
      *ahem*
      So you decided to go out.
      The location of your key was in doubt.
      So at a quarter past four,
      you pounded on the door,
      Smelling of semen and stout.

      Aug 26, 2008 at 3:33 pm   rating: +17  

       
    • #6.16   Goldie

      There was once a man who kept try…

      Then what? Help me out. Who’s “try”, anyway?

      Aug 26, 2008 at 3:34 pm   rating: +1  

       
    • #6.17   Claire

      There once was a woman named Candy
      Whose body left her roomie quite randy
      She returned home in a stupor
      The roomie did dupe her
      By locking her out–how handy!

      Aug 27, 2008 at 12:07 am   rating: +2  

       
     
  • #7   sharp

    best.passive-aggressive.note.ever

    Aug 25, 2008 at 8:52 pm   rating: +1  

     
  • #8   claw71

    Being a man with a healthy sexual appetite I’ve become quite familiar with both brands of whore as well as a subset in both of the aforementioned categories, the dirty whore. After careful consideration I have to say that I much prefer the illegal whore.

    Illegal whores are more readily available, they charge much less and they’ll do more. Granted, getting a blow job from one is kind of like watching a 3rd grader chow down on a pudding pop but, what can I say, I rather like that sort of thing. It’s not sensual but it’s effective and I like the enthusiasm. Unlike legal whores, who always seem to up charge for added things like finger placement, illegal whores tend to be more willing to negotiate favorable terms. You’d be surprised at what the promise of a Quarter Pounder with Cheese will get you.

    That’s just one man’s opinion but I don’t know if this note really serves as much of a deterrent. Being a whore is an important and fulfilling career and more women should be honored to serve.

    Aug 25, 2008 at 8:55 pm   rating: +27  

    • #8.1   Claire

      Wow! Claw71! I will never again regard a child with a Blow Pop as innocently as I did before I read your expose……

      You’re a bit tightly wound lately, aren’t you? :)

      Aug 25, 2008 at 9:15 pm   rating: 0  

       
    • #8.2   claw71

      Blow pop? You need to be careful with your phrasing. RunBarbara has some pretty harsh memories associated with the phrase. I don’t want to go into details but let’s just say that her mom was a little lazy and liked to delegate everything.

      Aug 25, 2008 at 9:29 pm   rating: +13  

       
    • #8.3   Claire

      LOL!! You made me snortle my expresso like a water buffalo! I never realized that the “blow” in the confectionary title “BlowPop” was actually a verb….

      Aug 25, 2008 at 9:48 pm   rating: 0  

       
    • #8.4   claw71

      Claire, it’s pretty obvious that I’m not exactly available but my master does let me play. I can tell you’re intrigued by me and you’re not the first. I think it’s time for you to take the next step and register. Join us, and you will become one with PAN.

      Aug 25, 2008 at 10:38 pm   rating: +1  

       
    • #8.5   Saysh

      Oh claw. .. you do make my heart pound so….

      Aug 26, 2008 at 5:54 am   rating: 0  

       
    • #8.6   Holiday Djinn

      Claire, did you think “blow” was a pronoun? Perhaps a predicate or a participle?

      Aug 26, 2008 at 7:31 am   rating: +2  

       
    • #8.7   Claire

      LOL! I thought it was a proper name–BlowPop…little did I know that in some households, it was an activity…

      Aug 26, 2008 at 10:55 pm   rating: 0  

       
    • #8.8   Claire

      And I did indeed register…I am one with the PAN…. :)

      Aug 27, 2008 at 12:08 am   rating: 0  

       
    • #8.9   Phat girl

      what’s the difference between being registered and not being registered? And how can you tell the difference, is it the green and gray comment backgrounds? I’m just wondering, not looking for any of that famous PAN critisism. If my comment should be in the ABBA format or something let’s just accept the fact that I am a moron up front and save my feelings from being hurt, OK.

      Aug 28, 2008 at 4:56 pm   rating: 0  

       
    • #8.10   Mishee

      Registered users have a “!” after their name.. its called “Getting punctuated”…

      I like RB and claw to punctuate me as often as possible…

      the different color backgrounds depends on how many Thumbs Up a comment has…

      Aug 28, 2008 at 4:58 pm   rating: +2  

       
    • #8.11   Phat girl

      OK. thank you Mishee! I am also now registered. What a pleasant little web site ya’ll have here. And helpful too.

      Aug 28, 2008 at 5:08 pm   rating: 0  

       
    • #8.12   Mishee

      you’ve apparently haven’t insulted one of the regulars or made some horrific mistake in a post and didn’t catch it and edit it out…

      but yea… pleasant… that works…

      for now…

      Aug 28, 2008 at 5:11 pm   rating: +1  

       
    • #8.13   Phat girl

      Let me live the fantasy as long as possible. There will be plenty of time for destroying my mental image later .

      Aug 28, 2008 at 5:25 pm   rating: 0  

       
     
  • #9   Wade

    If only she had changed her name to Candace (the scatterbrained strumpet), she might have attracted a more upscale clientele.

    Aug 25, 2008 at 9:03 pm   rating: +19  

     
  • #10   amy d

    The Silly Slut was one of my favorite primers as a girl. She always got into so much mischief!

    Aug 25, 2008 at 9:04 pm   rating: +14  

    • #10.1   Claire

      Yes, who could forget “The Silly Slut Visits the Painted Desert”? A classic!

      “See the hearty prospecters? Hubba hubba! Blow, Silly Slut, blow! Oh! Oh! Oh! Silly Slut!”

      Aug 25, 2008 at 9:18 pm   rating: +6  

       
     
  • #11