last year, emily in canterbury, england lived in a house with six other roommates — two guys downstairs, five girls upstairs. as is wont to happen in such circumstances, “we were originally all really good mates, but relationships deteriorated as the year went on,” emily says — “the boys thought the girls were too messy!”
one source of flatmate friction, emily says, was the habit a couple of the girls had of forgetting their keys when they went out clubbing…and then pounding on the front door at 3 a.m., raving drunk, until one of the guys let them in.
the low point came when one of the guys got woken up by an angry taxi driver rapping on his window (after one of the girls had tossed him 50p and run upstairs). emily says this note appeared soon after.
related: the two-word compromise you’re looking for: zip wire
139 responses so far ↓
#1
Canthz_B
Moral of the story is: forget your keys, make a living on your knees!
Aug 25, 2008 at 8:27 pm rating: +71
#2
bean
The only way I always remember my keys is when I’m driving…yes! One more reason to validate my practice makes perfect argument!
Aug 25, 2008 at 8:30 pm rating: 0
#3
Wade
An OD of heroine?
How many more lives will Wonder Woman claim?
Aug 25, 2008 at 8:39 pm rating: +59
#4
LThrace
Drugs are bad mmmkay.
Aug 25, 2008 at 8:40 pm rating: +4
#5
Wade
This note reads like the script 0f a 1950’s health class film strip:
“There once was a girl who went out to get drunk”
*ding*
“But forgot to take her keys.”
Aug 25, 2008 at 8:48 pm rating: +17
#6
Canthz_B
Damn! I thought we were going to get a limerick!
There once was a girl who went out.
To get drunk is what she was about.
Without keys she left home,
On the streets doomed to roam,
Now her pubic hair’s
In Quincy’s comb.
Aug 25, 2008 at 8:52 pm rating: +43
#7
sharp
best.passive-aggressive.note.ever
Aug 25, 2008 at 8:52 pm rating: +2
#8
claw71
Being a man with a healthy sexual appetite I’ve become quite familiar with both brands of whore as well as a subset in both of the aforementioned categories, the dirty whore. After careful consideration I have to say that I much prefer the illegal whore.
Illegal whores are more readily available, they charge much less and they’ll do more. Granted, getting a blow job from one is kind of like watching a 3rd grader chow down on a pudding pop but, what can I say, I rather like that sort of thing. It’s not sensual but it’s effective and I like the enthusiasm. Unlike legal whores, who always seem to up charge for added things like finger placement, illegal whores tend to be more willing to negotiate favorable terms. You’d be surprised at what the promise of a Quarter Pounder with Cheese will get you.
That’s just one man’s opinion but I don’t know if this note really serves as much of a deterrent. Being a whore is an important and fulfilling career and more women should be honored to serve.
Aug 25, 2008 at 8:55 pm rating: +29
#9
Wade
If only she had changed her name to Candace (the scatterbrained strumpet), she might have attracted a more upscale clientele.
Aug 25, 2008 at 9:03 pm rating: +21
#10
amy d
The Silly Slut was one of my favorite primers as a girl. She always got into so much mischief!
Aug 25, 2008 at 9:04 pm rating: +15
#11
foz
couldn’t he have written f’ off instead of the long note. what a time waster
Aug 25, 2008 at 9:16 pm rating: +5
#12
Sarah T.
Wow, what a dick. The letter writer, not the women who lived upstairs.
This isn’t passive-aggressive, it’s downriht intimidating.
Aug 25, 2008 at 9:22 pm rating: +4
#13
amy d
After scrutiny, it appears the additions at the bottom of the note read as follows :
Jo (?) got (?) ???? ass by a monkey called ??cock.com.
Me so fucking loved it!!
Fran is a cunt.
Aug 25, 2008 at 9:35 pm rating: +3
#14
Goldie
“So, your roommate is an ass”
There was once a girl who went out to get drunk, but forgot to take her keys. Upon her return home, her douchebag roommate refused to let her back in and she had to spend the night on the streets. Yada yada yada, she became a crack whore and died. Teh edn.
Morals of the story:
- Douchebags are bad. Resist the urge to move in with them. If you do, you might soon be a dead crack whore called Candy!
- Somebody please send a legal whore that guy’s way, he seems depressed and in need of help.
Aug 25, 2008 at 9:55 pm rating: +5
#15
John in IL
How he can be so sure she turned to prostitution to pay for her drug habit? Maybe there is a totally respectable reason for those seventeen specimens.
Aug 25, 2008 at 9:56 pm rating: +1
#16
Candy, the crack-whore slut
so that’s where it all went wrong…
Aug 25, 2008 at 10:19 pm rating: +16
#17
dick twattington
douche bags and cunts, whadda gonna do?
Aug 25, 2008 at 10:53 pm rating: +1
#18
dick twattington
most likely that is why they were all living together.
Aug 25, 2008 at 11:50 pm rating: 0
#19
Miss Unloop
Those guys don’t even know what they have got! Five sluts… two guys… all’s they need is some pimp hats to open a potentially successful brothel!
What was the note writer thinking?!?!?
Aug 26, 2008 at 12:13 am rating: +9
#20
Andre
That brown sugar was fucking delicious.
Aug 26, 2008 at 4:08 am rating: +1
#21
Holiday Djinn
How friggin hard is it to take your keys with you? Hell, she probably has a purse, why not put them in their love? Seriously, the PA note was really bad on several fronts, but Jesus is it ever irritating to be awoken at 3:00 AM by a drunken roommate just because the bitch cannot remember to bring her keys/purse with her!
Aug 26, 2008 at 7:27 am rating: +3
#22
Jody
Awwww! I had such high hopes for that note. But it quickly degenerated into a stupid (barely even passive aggressive) missive.
And was I the only one who, upon reading the first line or two, thought the whole thing was going to rhyme? Darn!
Aug 26, 2008 at 7:47 am rating: +6
#23
Mishee
Was this written by Mr. Mackey of South Park fame??
Aug 26, 2008 at 8:55 am rating: +1
#24
Red Letterboxer
I thought it was going to be a parody of an M Night Shyamalan movie. This story, by J M Almalah, doesn’t make quite as much sense. Maybe for the final shocking scene of the story the screenwriter could tie-in a clandestine cadre of coroners who cruise the nightlubs lifting housekeys out of the unattended purses, with the sole purpose of setting this absurd chain of events in motion all over the city for an untold number of unsuspecting drunk girls. And the moral of the story is to wait for it to come out on video.
Aug 26, 2008 at 9:03 am rating: +9
#25
unholyghost2003
aww those boys are either very nice or not very creative. I would have given the girls a dog collar with keys where the tags should go.
Aug 26, 2008 at 9:17 am rating: +15
#26
Woman on the Verge
You know, I am picturing the letter-writer lying in wait in the bushes outside the house holding a little bag of ‘brown sugar’ while smiling malevolently and mentally counting the money he will make as a pimp. And they can’t say he didn’t warn them, I mean really…
Aug 26, 2008 at 9:44 am rating: +2
#27
GhostWriter
What neighborhood of Canterbury requires a riveted stainless steel door? The key is probably carried around in a briefcase handcuffed to each roommate’s wrist. No wonder the girls never use it; it’s just easier to smile into the doorway cam and ask the always vigilant JM to buzz them in- they know he’s up surfing chatrooms and watching videofeeds anyway.
Aug 26, 2008 at 9:44 am rating: +1
#28
drj
Did that used to say “Fran is a cunt” at the bottom there?
Aug 26, 2008 at 9:45 am rating: 0
#29
Jason
I noticed that it looked like some lettering had faded in the margins of the letter. Of course curiosity got the better of me and I took it into photoshop. Besides the obvious reference to Fran being a cunt written at the bottom, on the left it says: “Jo got … as by a monkey called (wickycockom??) He so fucking loved it!!” Here’s the letter: http://twitpic.com/93dz
Aug 26, 2008 at 10:54 am rating: +1
#30
aaa
Well, I was going to make a reference to the Canterbury Tales and say that J M Almalah (or whoever) should’ve stuck his ass out the window and farted in the taxi driver’s face when he knocked on the window (a la The Miller’s Tale), but then I remembered that high school literature kinda sucked and I probably shouldn’t spread the suck.
This summary of The Canterbury Tales is pretty amusing, though.
Aug 26, 2008 at 12:29 pm rating: +1
#31
kcb
Wouldn’t Candy be a heroin-whore, rather than a crack-whore? A brown-sugar whore?
Aug 26, 2008 at 12:58 pm rating: 0
#32
bobby
I would sympathize with the roommate, i’ve been in his shoes before and it’s really annoying, especially that taxi driver thing. But he thinks he’s being so clever here, but he clearly hadn’t thought out the story. I am on team I-hate-everyone-involved.
Aug 26, 2008 at 1:11 pm rating: +5
#33
a girl
woah. this letter is BADASS. i totally side with the letter writer. the note is just dripping with sarcasm– i love it. and he has awesome handwriting and PROPER GRAMMAR. can i get this guy’s number?
Aug 26, 2008 at 2:00 pm rating: 0
#34
Emily
I almost don’t want to ruin the mystery, but..
The pencil marks at the bottom are a later addition. One of the girls in question responded to the note with the comment “Jo got raped in the ass by a monkey called littlebigcock and he so fucking loved it!!”
He replied simply “Fran is a cunt”
Aug 26, 2008 at 4:26 pm rating: +1
#35
smalvarado
I would have liked it better if it had been penned as a fable. If the “roommate” had been, say, a tortoise, then Aesop could not have done better.
Aug 26, 2008 at 5:14 pm rating: 0
#36
JuanRojas
Aren’t crack and heroin two different drugs? Still…
Team J.M.
Aug 26, 2008 at 6:05 pm rating: 0
#37
Amy
lmao. fran is a cunt
Aug 26, 2008 at 8:50 pm rating: 0
#38
raiseyourglass
Wow, that puts a new twist on the movie Breakfast at Tiffany’s. I thought it was suspicious that Loula May changed her name to Holly Golightly. Here I thought Sally Tomato was only wanting weather reports.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VrO87ItXoNg
Aug 26, 2008 at 11:16 pm rating: 0
#39
mark
When I have a drunken ho banging on my door in the middle of the morning. I get my ass out of bed and I’m happy about it. I think the girls need to room with straight guys!! that is the problem.
Aug 27, 2008 at 1:05 pm rating: +1
#40
glittalogik
Now this is the story all about how
Your life’ll get flipped, turned upside down
And I’d like to take a minute just sit right there
I’ll tell you how you become a strung-out crackwhore called Cand-eh
Sep 1, 2008 at 2:51 am rating: 0
#41
Fran
Jo should write fairy tale stories.
Sep 4, 2008 at 2:01 pm rating: 0
#42
J.M. AlMalah
My fairytales would be darker than Hans Christian Anderson’s. Oh and Fran. You’re a cunter x
Sep 6, 2008 at 9:05 pm rating: 0
#43
Ronny Jotten
Yeah, bub did you know that every time you flush your toilet w/o the lid down, “EVERYTHING” in your bathroom gets covered my a fecal mist, even your “TOOTHBRUSH”?
Sep 15, 2008 at 1:44 pm rating: 0
#44
Sven
That heroin was fucking delicious
Nov 19, 2008 at 11:01 am rating: 0
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