So, you’ve decided to go out

August 25th, 2008 · 140 comments

Last year, Emily in Canterbury, England lived in a house with six other roommates — two guys downstairs, five girls upstairs. As is wont to happen in such circumstances, “we were originally all really good mates, but relationships deteriorated as the year went on,” Emily says — “the boys thought the girls were too messy!”

One source of flatmate friction, Emily says, was the habit a couple of the girls had of forgetting their keys when they went out clubbing…and then pounding on the front door at 3 a.m., raving drunk, until one of the guys let them in.

The low point came when one of the guys got woken up by an angry taxi driver rapping on his window (after one of the girls had tossed him 50p and run upstairs). Emily says this note appeared soon after.

"So, you've decided to go out": A short story

related: The two-word compromise you’re looking for: zip wire

FILED UNDER: bullet points · drizzunk · roommates · U.K.


140 responses so far ↓

  • #1   Canthz_B bang

    Moral of the story is: forget your keys, make a living on your knees!

    Aug 25, 2008 at 8:27 pm   rating: 76  small thumbs up

    • #1.1   Wade bang

      Moral of the story is: coroner is a good career choice for a necrophiliac.

      Aug 25, 2008 at 8:35 pm   rating: 37  small thumbs up

       
    • #1.2   Claire

      This was a most convoluted story…I began to wonder the point….then it dawned on me: Forget your keys, take drugs, and become so very fried that you cannot recall where you left your abode, much less where you left your keys.

      Aug 25, 2008 at 9:07 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #1.3   Claire

      Moral of the story: If you are a drug dealin’ pimp, keep on the lookout for drunken women staggering about in the cold wind of early morning as they just may have forgotten their keys. Thus she will become a client and an employee–a win-win situation…

      Aug 25, 2008 at 9:09 pm   rating: 9  small thumbs up

       
    • #1.4   amy d bang

      Moral of the story: Don’t live with dickwads who jump to extreme conclusions.

      Aug 25, 2008 at 9:14 pm   rating: 22  small thumbs up

       
    • #1.5   Miss Unloop

      Or it could be: go out, lock out, put out!

      Aug 25, 2008 at 11:08 pm   rating: 17  small thumbs up

       
    • #1.6   morpho aurora bang

      moral of the story: take the dickwad room mate with you. after all, wouldn’t you like to choose your co-workers? just remember to make him deal with all the rough trade.

      Aug 25, 2008 at 11:47 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

       
    • #1.7   S&M

      Moral of the story.
      If you are a self centered, self absorbed, inconsiderate twat don’t be surprised when someone calls you on your bad behaviour.

      Aug 26, 2008 at 9:41 am   rating: 52  small thumbs up

       
    • #1.8   GhostWriter bang

      Moral of the story:

      Add dash of brown sugar makes a delightful Candy.

      Aug 26, 2008 at 10:22 am   rating: 8  small thumbs up

       
    • #1.9   Canthz_B bang

      Necro-feel-iac! LOL

      Aug 26, 2008 at 6:31 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #2   bean

    The only way I always remember my keys is when I’m driving…yes! One more reason to validate my practice makes perfect argument!

    Aug 25, 2008 at 8:30 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #2.1   Clay Callaghan

      This one is sexist and misogynistic, although I can understand the anger at the irresponsible, obnoxious drunk roommates. Moral of the story: be careful who you move in with.

      Dec 29, 2009 at 12:23 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #3   Wade bang

    An OD of heroine?

    How many more lives will Wonder Woman claim?

    Aug 25, 2008 at 8:39 pm   rating: 64  small thumbs up

    • #3.1   Canthz_B bang

      Addiction to heroine is like having a she-monkey on your back. :-P

      Aug 25, 2008 at 8:45 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #3.2   amy d bang

      An addiction to heroine leads little girls to get strung out on The Powerpuff Girls these days. It’s a tragedy.

      Aug 25, 2008 at 9:09 pm   rating: 13  small thumbs up

       
    • #3.3   Claire

      Addiction to heroine constantly leads one to thrill seeking yearnings for Laura Croft movies…and wondering why out of all the Smurfs, there was only one Smurfette…

      Aug 25, 2008 at 9:11 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #3.4   Canthz_B bang

      She can take it…ever seen a Smurf pecker? Like blue rice grains!

      Aug 25, 2008 at 9:20 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #3.5   Claire

      Which lends new meaning to the phrase “thin blue line”

      Aug 25, 2008 at 9:23 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #3.6   Canthz_B bang

      Hey, those grains fluff up nicely given the right heat and humidity.

      Aug 25, 2008 at 9:27 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #3.7   AuntyBron

      I wanna know where and when CB saw the Smurf peckers.

      Aug 27, 2008 at 11:33 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #3.8   SarahBelle

      Or why there was only one female in the McDonald’s character line up. Or why there’s only one female M&M…

      Aug 27, 2008 at 1:26 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #4   LThrace

    Drugs are bad mmmkay.

    Aug 25, 2008 at 8:40 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

    • #4.1   Claire

      This is your ‘ho. This is your ‘ho on drugs.

      “Just say no”

      Aug 25, 2008 at 9:12 pm   rating: 9  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #5   Wade bang

    This note reads like the script 0f a 1950′s health class film strip:

    “There once was a girl who went out to get drunk”

    *ding*

    “But forgot to take her keys.”

    Aug 25, 2008 at 8:48 pm   rating: 19  small thumbs up

    • #5.1   Canthz_B bang

      MST3K material in the making! :-)

      Aug 25, 2008 at 9:18 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #5.2   James

      Whoa whoaaa tubby, you’re not on the moon yet!

      Aug 26, 2008 at 4:00 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #6   Canthz_B bang

    Damn! I thought we were going to get a limerick!

    There once was a girl who went out.
    To get drunk is what she was about.
    Without keys she left home,
    On the streets doomed to roam,
    Now her pubic hair’s
    In Quincy’s comb.

    Aug 25, 2008 at 8:52 pm   rating: 46  small thumbs up

    • #6.1   Claire

      Sheer artistry, CB!

      Aug 25, 2008 at 9:13 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #6.2   Quincy

      That’s not a proper limerick! There are five lines following the rhyme scheme A, A, B, B, A.

      It was good until the last line though. Keep try.

      Aug 25, 2008 at 9:57 pm   rating: 13  small thumbs up

       
    • #6.3   claw71 bang

      Come on, CB isn’t Irish. How’s he supposed to keep up with that whack-ass shit? Keep on keepin on CB. The brothas got yo back. The brothas.

      Aug 25, 2008 at 10:41 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #6.4   Canthz_B bang

      Gee, Quincy, I’m very sorry. I’m Scottish by blood.
      Care to give me an example of a proper limerick rather than point out the flaws in mine?

      Oh. Look. People liked it anyway. ;-)

      Aug 25, 2008 at 11:31 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #6.5   Canthz_B bang

      This comment is for my friend Quincy,
      Who points out things that I did not see.
      Is he pulling my leg?
      Is he drinking a keg?
      He fucks with me but does not know me! :evil:

      How’s that?

      Aug 25, 2008 at 11:41 pm   rating: 12  small thumbs up

       
    • #6.6   Canthz_B bang

      There once was a girl who went out.
      To get drunk is what she was about.
      Without keys she left home,
      On the streets doomed to roam,
      Now the coroner’s report’s full of doubt!

      Just to make everything copacetic.

      Aug 25, 2008 at 11:49 pm   rating: 11  small thumbs up

       
    • #6.7   Miss Unloop

      Nice recovery, CB!

      Aug 26, 2008 at 12:21 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #6.8   Canthz_B bang

      A man’s gotta do what a man’s gotta do, Miss U! :mrgreen:

      Aug 26, 2008 at 1:22 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #6.9   James

      There once was a girl who went out
      But she forgot her keys and a confrontational episode was the consequence, with an amusing note being written by her roommate as a result of all the melodrama

      Close?… No?

      Aug 26, 2008 at 4:05 am   rating: 29  small thumbs up

       
    • #6.10   Canthz_B bang

      Close enough for PAN :-D

      Aug 26, 2008 at 4:16 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #6.11   Mishee bang

      I thought CB was one of those “Black Irish” I’ve heard so much about… but now I know he’s of Scottish descent, I’m not allowed to talk to him anymore!

      Aug 26, 2008 at 8:57 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #6.12   Mel

      Wow CB, can’t you see Quincy is just trying to offer some constructive criticism. He even said keep trying. He’s probably an English teacher and they’re like that. You’re lucky he didn’t grade you.

      Aug 26, 2008 at 1:55 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #6.13   secondsout bang

      A girl without keys once got wasted
      And soon some brown sugar she tasted
      She sucked dick for crack
      and OD’ed on smack
      And with the coroner’s spooge she got basted

      Aug 26, 2008 at 3:21 pm   rating: 44  small thumbs up

       
    • #6.14   Wade bang

      English teacher?

      “It was good until the last line though. Keep try.”

      Maybe not.

      Aug 26, 2008 at 3:22 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #6.15   Tina O

      Well done Secondsout! :lol:
      I have to give it a try though it won’t be as glorious.
      *ahem*
      So you decided to go out.
      The location of your key was in doubt.
      So at a quarter past four,
      you pounded on the door,
      Smelling of semen and stout.

      Aug 26, 2008 at 3:33 pm   rating: 21  small thumbs up

       
    • #6.16   Goldie

      There was once a man who kept try…

      Then what? Help me out. Who’s “try”, anyway?

      Aug 26, 2008 at 3:34 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #6.17   Claire

      There once was a woman named Candy
      Whose body left her roomie quite randy
      She returned home in a stupor
      The roomie did dupe her
      By locking her out–how handy!

      Aug 27, 2008 at 12:07 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #6.18   InYourSleep

      hmm . i’m personally not sure candy seems like quincy’s type . ps – why is she using his comb on her rocket pubes ?

      Apr 22, 2010 at 6:33 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #7   sharp

    best.passive-aggressive.note.ever

    Aug 25, 2008 at 8:52 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

     
  • #8   claw71 bang

    Being a man with a healthy sexual appetite I’ve become quite familiar with both brands of whore as well as a subset in both of the aforementioned categories, the dirty whore. After careful consideration I have to say that I much prefer the illegal whore.

    Illegal whores are more readily available, they charge much less and they’ll do more. Granted, getting a blow job from one is kind of like watching a 3rd grader chow down on a pudding pop but, what can I say, I rather like that sort of thing. It’s not sensual but it’s effective and I like the enthusiasm. Unlike legal whores, who always seem to up charge for added things like finger placement, illegal whores tend to be more willing to negotiate favorable terms. You’d be surprised at what the promise of a Quarter Pounder with Cheese will get you.

    That’s just one man’s opinion but I don’t know if this note really serves as much of a deterrent. Being a whore is an important and fulfilling career and more women should be honored to serve.

    Aug 25, 2008 at 8:55 pm   rating: 29  small thumbs up

    • #8.1   Claire

      Wow! Claw71! I will never again regard a child with a Blow Pop as innocently as I did before I read your expose……

      You’re a bit tightly wound lately, aren’t you? :)

      Aug 25, 2008 at 9:15 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #8.2   claw71 bang

      Blow pop? You need to be careful with your phrasing. RunBarbara has some pretty harsh memories associated with the phrase. I don’t want to go into details but let’s just say that her mom was a little lazy and liked to delegate everything.

      Aug 25, 2008 at 9:29 pm   rating: 14  small thumbs up

       
    • #8.3   Claire

      LOL!! You made me snortle my expresso like a water buffalo! I never realized that the “blow” in the confectionary title “BlowPop” was actually a verb….

      Aug 25, 2008 at 9:48 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #8.4   claw71 bang

      Claire, it’s pretty obvious that I’m not exactly available but my master does let me play. I can tell you’re intrigued by me and you’re not the first. I think it’s time for you to take the next step and register. Join us, and you will become one with PAN.

      Aug 25, 2008 at 10:38 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #8.5   Saysh

      Oh claw. .. you do make my heart pound so….

      Aug 26, 2008 at 5:54 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #8.6   Holiday Djinn

      Claire, did you think “blow” was a pronoun? Perhaps a predicate or a participle?

      Aug 26, 2008 at 7:31 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #8.7   Claire

      LOL! I thought it was a proper name–BlowPop…little did I know that in some households, it was an activity…

      Aug 26, 2008 at 10:55 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #8.8   Claire

      And I did indeed register…I am one with the PAN…. :)

      Aug 27, 2008 at 12:08 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #8.9   Phat girl

      what’s the difference between being registered and not being registered? And how can you tell the difference, is it the green and gray comment backgrounds? I’m just wondering, not looking for any of that famous PAN critisism. If my comment should be in the ABBA format or something let’s just accept the fact that I am a moron up front and save my feelings from being hurt, OK.

      Aug 28, 2008 at 4:56 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #8.10   Mishee bang

      Registered users have a “!” after their name.. its called “Getting punctuated”…

      I like RB and claw to punctuate me as often as possible…

      the different color backgrounds depends on how many Thumbs Up a comment has…

      Aug 28, 2008 at 4:58 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #8.11   Phat girl bang

      OK. thank you Mishee! I am also now registered. What a pleasant little web site ya’ll have here. And helpful too.

      Aug 28, 2008 at 5:08 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #8.12   Mishee bang

      you’ve apparently haven’t insulted one of the regulars or made some horrific mistake in a post and didn’t catch it and edit it out…

      but yea… pleasant… that works…

      for now…

      Aug 28, 2008 at 5:11 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #8.13   Phat girl bang

      Let me live the fantasy as long as possible. There will be plenty of time for destroying my mental image later .

      Aug 28, 2008 at 5:25 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #9   Wade bang

    If only she had changed her name to Candace (the scatterbrained strumpet), she might have attracted a more upscale clientele.

    Aug 25, 2008 at 9:03 pm   rating: 21  small thumbs up

     
  • #10   amy d bang

    The Silly Slut was one of my favorite primers as a girl. She always got into so much mischief!

    Aug 25, 2008 at 9:04 pm   rating: 15  small thumbs up

    • #10.1   Claire

      Yes, who could forget “The Silly Slut Visits the Painted Desert”? A classic!

      “See the hearty prospecters? Hubba hubba! Blow, Silly Slut, blow! Oh! Oh! Oh! Silly Slut!”

      Aug 25, 2008 at 9:18 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #11   foz

    couldn’t he have written f’ off instead of the long note. what a time waster

    Aug 25, 2008 at 9:16 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

    • #11.1   Claire

      If this was written by her roommate, is he/she angry because Elizabeth/Candy pounded upon the door in a drunken stupor and woke him up or is he angry because even after she became a whore, she STILL would not have anything to do with him?

      Aug 25, 2008 at 9:20 pm   rating: 9  small thumbs up

       
    • #11.2   Wade bang

      Well, since he was brooding at home while the girls were out partying, he had plenty of time to waste.

      Aug 25, 2008 at 9:23 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #11.3   Claire

      I think the note writer should have had some of the same drink that the drunken “to be whores” were having…

      Aug 25, 2008 at 9:26 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #12   Sarah T.

    Wow, what a dick. The letter writer, not the women who lived upstairs.

    This isn’t passive-aggressive, it’s downriht intimidating.

    Aug 25, 2008 at 9:22 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

    • #12.1   Miss Unloop

      “Wow, what a dick.”

      Yeah, that’s what Candy said.

      Aug 26, 2008 at 12:00 am   rating: 16  small thumbs up

       
    • #12.2   S&M

      Really Sarah T? So the downstairs flatmate should just nut up and act as the personal doorman of Silly Sally Slut? I think some gaped mouth whore needs to grow up and remember her keys.

      Aug 26, 2008 at 9:51 am   rating: 19  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #13   amy d bang

    After scrutiny, it appears the additions at the bottom of the note read as follows :

    Jo (?) got (?) ???? ass by a monkey called ??cock.com.

    Me so fucking loved it!!

    Fran is a cunt.

    Aug 25, 2008 at 9:35 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

     
  • #14   Goldie

    “So, your roommate is an ass”

    There was once a girl who went out to get drunk, but forgot to take her keys. Upon her return home, her douchebag roommate refused to let her back in and she had to spend the night on the streets. Yada yada yada, she became a crack whore and died. Teh edn.

    Morals of the story:

    - Douchebags are bad. Resist the urge to move in with them. If you do, you might soon be a dead crack whore called Candy!

    - Somebody please send a legal whore that guy’s way, he seems depressed and in need of help.

    Aug 25, 2008 at 9:55 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

     
  • #15   John in IL

    How he can be so sure she turned to prostitution to pay for her drug habit? Maybe there is a totally respectable reason for those seventeen specimens.

    Aug 25, 2008 at 9:56 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #16   Candy, the crack-whore slut

    so that’s where it all went wrong…

    Aug 25, 2008 at 10:19 pm   rating: 16  small thumbs up

     
  • #17   dick twattington

    douche bags and cunts, whadda gonna do?

    Aug 25, 2008 at 10:53 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #17.1   morpho aurora bang

      introduce one to the other – sounds like a perfect match

      Aug 25, 2008 at 11:43 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #17.2   Canthz_B bang

      I thought that was a hot water bottle. 8-O

      Aug 26, 2008 at 12:04 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #18   dick twattington

    most likely that is why they were all living together.

    Aug 25, 2008 at 11:50 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #19   Miss Unloop

    Those guys don’t even know what they have got! Five sluts… two guys… all’s they need is some pimp hats to open a potentially successful brothel!

    What was the note writer thinking?!?!?

    Aug 26, 2008 at 12:13 am   rating: 9  small thumbs up

     
  • #20   Andre

    That brown sugar was fucking delicious.

    Aug 26, 2008 at 4:08 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #20.1   Canthz_B bang

      Don the unitard. It’s a bit rank from the last wearer but you may find it delicious.

      Aug 26, 2008 at 4:22 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #20.2   Secretly Passive Aggresive

      *looks up who was the last wearer*

      Aug 26, 2008 at 10:10 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #20.3   Miss Unloop bang

      Just don’t forget your keys to the Unitent, ’cause me ‘n’ CB won’t let your drunken whoring ass in if you do.

      Aug 26, 2008 at 6:39 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #21   Holiday Djinn

    How friggin hard is it to take your keys with you? Hell, she probably has a purse, why not put them in their love? Seriously, the PA note was really bad on several fronts, but Jesus is it ever irritating to be awoken at 3:00 AM by a drunken roommate just because the bitch cannot remember to bring her keys/purse with her!

    Aug 26, 2008 at 7:27 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #21.1   Goldie

      if the neighborhood is semi-decent, one of these may work:
      1) leave the door unlocked
      2) keep a spare key in a hiding place outside

      Aug 26, 2008 at 8:32 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #21.2   LThrace

      Or…….

      3) Just take your effin keys with you crackwhore.

      Team dont be friggin selfish and wake up your roommate to let you in just because you’re a lazy alcoholic dumbass.

      (Sorry for the hostility, but ive had this done to me before by a roommate and it is the opposite of fucking delicious :-) )

      Aug 26, 2008 at 11:21 am   rating: 8  small thumbs up

       
    • #21.3   unholyghost2003 bang

      I’m with you Thrace, once or twice is an understandable accident, walked out of the house 100% certain that you have your keys, only to realize too late that you don’t have the RIGHT keys. Or leave certain that Julie has HER keys … but get totally separated from Julie by the end of the night. More often than that (or leaving the guys to deal with the cab driver you just stiffed) is TOTALLY unacceptable.

      Aug 26, 2008 at 11:28 am   rating: 9  small thumbs up

       
    • #21.4   jennipurrr

      Anyone who told *me* to put my keys in ‘my love’ would most likely be leaving with a shiner.

      Aug 26, 2008 at 3:37 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #21.5   secondsout bang

      I was at a Phil Lesh concert with a roommate of mine. She got drunk, then high, then had a paranoid freakout and left the concert. She got home, only to realize that she didn’t have her keys. She tried calling me, but fuck that, I wasn’t leaving the show. Mind you, it was also New Year’s, so it was after midnight, and cold. She sat out on the back patio until about 3am, when I finally got home.

      If you gonna learn, you gonna learn!

      Aug 26, 2008 at 3:38 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #22   Jody

    Awwww! I had such high hopes for that note. But it quickly degenerated into a stupid (barely even passive aggressive) missive.

    And was I the only one who, upon reading the first line or two, thought the whole thing was going to rhyme? Darn!

    Aug 26, 2008 at 7:47 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

     
  • #23   Mishee bang

    Was this written by Mr. Mackey of South Park fame??

    Aug 26, 2008 at 8:55 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #23.1   agirlie

      I was totally thinking that exact thing!
      Except the writer needed to actually write out “Mmmmm-kay?” lazy of him really.

      Aug 26, 2008 at 11:23 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #24   Red Letterboxer bang

    I thought it was going to be a parody of an M Night Shyamalan movie. This story, by J M Almalah, doesn’t make quite as much sense. Maybe for the final shocking scene of the story the screenwriter could tie-in a clandestine cadre of coroners who cruise the nightlubs lifting housekeys out of the unattended purses, with the sole purpose of setting this absurd chain of events in motion all over the city for an untold number of unsuspecting drunk girls. And the moral of the story is to wait for it to come out on video.

    Aug 26, 2008 at 9:03 am   rating: 9  small thumbs up

    • #24.1   Mishee bang

      The twist is just something in one of those girl’s drinks….

      Aug 26, 2008 at 9:26 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #25   unholyghost2003 bang

    aww those boys are either very nice or not very creative. I would have given the girls a dog collar with keys where the tags should go.

    Aug 26, 2008 at 9:17 am   rating: 15  small thumbs up

    • #25.1   Paintball "Punk"

      That is my fetish.

      Aug 26, 2008 at 5:22 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #26   Woman on the Verge

    You know, I am picturing the letter-writer lying in wait in the bushes outside the house holding a little bag of ‘brown sugar’ while smiling malevolently and mentally counting the money he will make as a pimp. And they can’t say he didn’t warn them, I mean really…

    Aug 26, 2008 at 9:44 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

     
  • #27   GhostWriter bang

    What neighborhood of Canterbury requires a riveted stainless steel door? The key is probably carried around in a briefcase handcuffed to each roommate’s wrist. No wonder the girls never use it; it’s just easier to smile into the doorway cam and ask the always vigilant JM to buzz them in- they know he’s up surfing chatrooms and watching videofeeds anyway.

    Aug 26, 2008 at 9:44 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #28   drj

    Did that used to say “Fran is a cunt” at the bottom there?

    Aug 26, 2008 at 9:45 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #28.1   Mishee bang

      Well, Fran is a cunt! I mean, the Federation Guidelines clearly state No New Steps!!!!!

      Aug 26, 2008 at 9:53 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #28.2   andipandi

      thumbsup for the strictly ballroom reference.

      and when I saw the ad for the shoes with a key pocket in them I scoffed, but this chick is probably the target demographic.

      Aug 26, 2008 at 10:09 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #28.3   S&M

      Yeah, well an Open Amateur has no right to dance non-Federation steps, but you did, didn’t you? Why don’t you do something useful Fran like wash the coffee cups.

      Aug 26, 2008 at 10:22 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #28.4   djr

      Hey look, I typo’d my own name. I R WIN!

      Aug 26, 2008 at 1:39 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #29   Jason

    I noticed that it looked like some lettering had faded in the margins of the letter. Of course curiosity got the better of me and I took it into photoshop. Besides the obvious reference to Fran being a cunt written at the bottom, on the left it says: “Jo got … as by a monkey called (wickycockom??) He so fucking loved it!!” Here’s the letter: http://twitpic.com/93dz

    Aug 26, 2008 at 10:54 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #29.1   amy d bang

      Do people generally comment without reading prior comments? Sorry to be harsh, Jason and drj, but I’ve already posted that information.

      Aug 26, 2008 at 10:56 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #29.2   Jason

      I guess I didn’t see it. I read through the bazillion comments and maybe got distracted by the limericks? Sorry for repeating what you said.

      Aug 26, 2008 at 11:09 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #29.3   amy d bang

      *hangs head*

      Sorry jason, I just get a little jumpy when people start repeating facts already mentioned. It reminds me of the CS thread.

      *shudders*

      Aug 26, 2008 at 11:27 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #29.4   jason bang

      No worries.

      what was the CS thread?

      did you use photoshop to “uncover” the hidden bits? I used a combination of brightness/contrast adjustment and the burn tool.

      Aug 26, 2008 at 11:33 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #29.5   unholyghost2003 bang

      jason. the CS thread is a thread of unspeakable horror. There is so much anger posted on that thread that it actually takes 1 or 2 min for the thread to load. It is almost EXCLUSIVELY people repeating the same things over and over with only slight tweakings on the phrasing. It is the bane of the Frequent Trouble Makers’ existence, and almost every new person to the site feels the need to add his or her two cents and NEVER reads any of the previous comments or considers that what s/he has to say might not be original.

      Aug 26, 2008 at 11:37 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #29.6   amy d bang

      I’m not saying the name of the thread. It won’t die. You will find it in the Most Popular sidebar.

      No, I don’t have photoshop. I used picnick. Adjusted exposure and contrast.

      Aug 26, 2008 at 11:39 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #29.7   Mishee bang

      Don’t forget the runner up – the Toilet Mist thread…

      I think that one may not be as long as CS, but it certainly grew alot faster!

      I mean, it took CS a year or so to get to 700 (I think that’s what it is at now?) but it only took Toilet Mist like, 2 days to reach 300… that’s repetitiveness if I ever heard of it!

      Aug 26, 2008 at 11:42 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #29.8   amy d bang

      Yeah, but the toilet mist one became funny.

      Speaking of tiolet mist, did you know it gets all over everything in your bathroom? Even your toothbrush??!! That’s gross.

      Aug 26, 2008 at 11:45 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #29.9   unholyghost2003 bang

      Yes, because no matter how many times you link to Mythbusters or Snopes everyone has to tell you that if you flush without putting the lid down you are as good as shitting DIRECTLY on your toothbrush.

      Aug 26, 2008 at 11:45 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #29.10   Mishee bang

      That’s why I keep my toothbrush in the kitchen.

      Aug 26, 2008 at 11:48 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #29.11   amy d bang

      Gives new meaning to Shit eating grin, doesn’t it?

      Aug 26, 2008 at 11:49 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #29.12   mrs. pommelhorst

      It doesn’t matter where you keep your toothbrush, becasue the entire planet is pretty much covered in a large amount of fecal dust. You’ve already inhaled, ate and existed in it your entire life.

      No need to start getting panties in a bunch over it now.

      ….now the sad increase in silly forgetful cunts dying of heroine overdoses– that’s something to lose sleep over!

      Aug 26, 2008 at 12:11 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #29.13   Lara bang

      Yes, but have you heard that if you leave your toothbrush in the bathroom, it can get covered in fecal mist?!?!?!

      Aug 26, 2008 at 1:07 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #29.14   Tina O

      Everytime it is like the sacraments in the catholic church of water into wine. when you flush the mysteries of the all enveloping poo mists descends on all things, man, beast, toohbrush alike. But please lower thine lid to keepst thou beast from water sports, amen.

      Aug 26, 2008 at 3:42 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #29.15   Goldie

      What’s the beast doing in the bathroom? Canine infestation?

      Aug 26, 2008 at 4:26 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #29.16   Canthz_B bang

      You don’t get fecal mist on your toothbrush when you flush if you’re in the habit of tipping at least 20% when you eat out.
      Servers work really hard for little pay so you owe it to them no matter how poor the service.
      Otherwise you should eat at McDonald’s and brush with your own shit!

      Aug 26, 2008 at 10:09 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #29.17   lyntess bang

      It has to be worth noting that the expiration date of the credit card on the slip featured in The Unmentionable Thread (inthemiddleofthesea) IS 08/08.

      Aug 29, 2008 at 3:57 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #30   aaa

    Well, I was going to make a reference to the Canterbury Tales and say that J M Almalah (or whoever) should’ve stuck his ass out the window and farted in the taxi driver’s face when he knocked on the window (a la The Miller’s Tale), but then I remembered that high school literature kinda sucked and I probably shouldn’t spread the suck.

    This summary of The Canterbury Tales is pretty amusing, though.

    Aug 26, 2008 at 12:29 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #31   kcb

    Wouldn’t Candy be a heroin-whore, rather than a crack-whore? A brown-sugar whore?

    Aug 26, 2008 at 12:58 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #32   bobby

    I would sympathize with the roommate, i’ve been in his shoes before and it’s really annoying, especially that taxi driver thing. But he thinks he’s being so clever here, but he clearly hadn’t thought out the story. I am on team I-hate-everyone-involved.

    Aug 26, 2008 at 1:11 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

    • #32.1   Red Letterboxer bang

      Yay, Team IHEI!

      Aug 26, 2008 at 1:28 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #32.2   aaa

      I’m wondering if Emily was involved in either the creation of the messes or was one of the ones who went clubbing without their keys. She’s awfully silent on how she fits into the scenario…

      Aug 26, 2008 at 1:38 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #32.3   aaa

      Damn, improper gigglebraxing!

      Aug 26, 2008 at 1:46 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #33   a girl

    woah. this letter is BADASS. i totally side with the letter writer. the note is just dripping with sarcasm– i love it. and he has awesome handwriting and PROPER GRAMMAR. can i get this guy’s number?

    Aug 26, 2008 at 2:00 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #33.1   J.M. AlMalah

      Clearly the original reason for writing the letter has worked…

      Sep 6, 2008 at 9:07 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #34   Emily

    I almost don’t want to ruin the mystery, but..
    The pencil marks at the bottom are a later addition. One of the girls in question responded to the note with the comment “Jo got raped in the ass by a monkey called littlebigcock and he so fucking loved it!!”
    He replied simply “Fran is a cunt”

    Aug 26, 2008 at 4:26 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #35   smalvarado bang

    I would have liked it better if it had been penned as a fable. If the “roommate” had been, say, a tortoise, then Aesop could not have done better.

    Aug 26, 2008 at 5:14 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #36   JuanRojas

    Aren’t crack and heroin two different drugs? Still…

    Team J.M.

    Aug 26, 2008 at 6:05 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #37   Amy

    lmao. fran is a cunt

    Aug 26, 2008 at 8:50 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #38   raiseyourglass

    Wow, that puts a new twist on the movie Breakfast at Tiffany’s. I thought it was suspicious that Loula May changed her name to Holly Golightly. Here I thought Sally Tomato was only wanting weather reports.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VrO87ItXoNg

    Aug 26, 2008 at 11:16 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #39   mark

    When I have a drunken ho banging on my door in the middle of the morning. I get my ass out of bed and I’m happy about it. I think the girls need to room with straight guys!! that is the problem.

    Aug 27, 2008 at 1:05 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #40   glittalogik

    Now this is the story all about how
    Your life’ll get flipped, turned upside down
    And I’d like to take a minute just sit right there
    I’ll tell you how you become a strung-out crackwhore called Cand-eh

    Sep 1, 2008 at 2:51 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #41   Fran

    Jo should write fairy tale stories.

    Sep 4, 2008 at 2:01 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #42   J.M. AlMalah

    My fairytales would be darker than Hans Christian Anderson’s. Oh and Fran. You’re a cunter x

    Sep 6, 2008 at 9:05 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #43   Ronny Jotten

    Yeah, bub did you know that every time you flush your toilet w/o the lid down, “EVERYTHING” in your bathroom gets covered my a fecal mist, even your “TOOTHBRUSH”?

    Sep 15, 2008 at 1:44 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #44   Sven

    That heroin was fucking delicious

    Nov 19, 2008 at 11:01 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     

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