The right to bear fruit

August 27th, 2008 · 172 comments

Three U.S. cities where nature-lovers might want to keep their hands to themselves:

1. Austin, Texas

To the people who keep digging up and stealing plants from this garden...The surrounding neighbors have been alerted and are keeping watch now. (Some are ex-Military are not afraid to chase after you or shout.) I'm serious!!! This is private property! You are trespassing and committing a crime. I'm not rich and I like my garden go get a second job if you want plants! I'm warning you!

2. Macon, Georgia

To the Fucktard who stole my watermellon [sic]: It was not even RIPE yet. But I'm sure you didn't notice when you were high on crack. Leave my fucking plants alone! —Proud owner of a .45 and a 38 special

3. Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania

The Mayor and The Police have been notified — WATCHING for any more Flower destruction and Theft

(Thanks to Don in Austin, Elizabeth in Macon, and Jasmine in Pittsburgh for risking the wrath of some devoted gardening/second amendment enthusiasts to document these warnings.)

related: No “questions” asked

FILED UNDER: Austin · blame it on the crackhead · CAPS LOCK · exclamation-point happy!!!! · flowers, trees, houseplants & gardens · Georgia · Macon · neighbors · not-so-veiled threats · Pittsburgh · spelling and grammar police · stealing


172 responses so far ↓

  • #1   Goldie

    The deflorators in the third note are probably rabbits and deer. Hate to break it to the note author, but they can’t read.

    To the first two – I heard it is more fun when you share your plants, y’know, form a circle, pass them around.

    Aug 27, 2008 at 5:20 pm   rating: 36  small thumbs up

    • #1.1   unholyghost2003 bang

      and squirrels will dig neat little holes and steal flower bulbs. So note 1 might very well be squirrels. Note 2, depending on the size of the watermelon, could be raccoons. All of this bluster and all that is going to happen is these assholes are going to get busted for hunting without a permit inside city limits!

      Aug 28, 2008 at 9:42 am   rating: 8  small thumbs up

       
    • #1.2   Lurker

      My grandma would swear up and down that some SOB was stealing all her vegetables. She would never admit to the possibility that it might be critters.

      Aug 28, 2008 at 1:09 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #1.3   Claire bang

      I do not think that just having ONE watermelon “water mellon” actually constitues having a garden.

      *Imagines that durned Fucktard dressed in his unitard happily eating water mellon on the porch across the street*

      Aug 28, 2008 at 7:27 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #2   Timo bang

    Mayor Adam West is on the scene! They had better watch out he will make them pay.
    *Boff!* *KaPoow!* *Ooooof!*

    Aug 27, 2008 at 5:23 pm   rating: 18  small thumbs up

    • #2.1   AuntyBron

      And if that’s not enough he’ll call in Robin, the Boy Wonder
      *BLAM* *ZOWIE*

      Oh! for the days of old fashioned sound effects.

      Aug 28, 2008 at 11:32 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.2   Claire bang

      Holy Seedless Watemelons, but that was some tasty fruit, Batman!

      Aug 28, 2008 at 7:28 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.3   thatswhatshesaid bang

      *gets smacked in the nose with said watermelon and bleeds*

      Oh my God.. I’m a Tomato!

      Aug 30, 2008 at 10:16 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #3   Wade bang

    Maybe Candy likes watermelon with her brown sugar.

    Aug 27, 2008 at 5:24 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

     
  • #4   Jeannette E. Spaghetti

    Ha Ha. Fucktard.

    Aug 27, 2008 at 5:25 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

     
  • #5   Wade bang

    I hope the plants mentioned in note two are practicing prudent pollination.

    Aug 27, 2008 at 5:27 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

     
  • #6   RunBarbara bang

    stealing watermelon?
    high on crack?
    what a racist. i know what they are implying.

    Aug 27, 2008 at 5:28 pm   rating: 85  small thumbs up

    • #6.1   Canthz_B bang

      The trail of chicken wing bones was a dead give-away.

      Aug 27, 2008 at 10:45 pm   rating: 35  small thumbs up

       
    • #6.2   RunBarbara bang

      and the slick coating of Murray’s on the fence post.

      Aug 28, 2008 at 3:55 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #6.3   E

      Or maybe the one who’s racist is the one who only thinks of one race when they hear of crack or watermelons.

      Personally…I know many white crackheads and don’t really know anyone who DOESN’T like watermelon.

      Aug 28, 2008 at 6:24 pm   rating: 18  small thumbs up

       
    • #6.4   Mishee bang

      It wasn’t that they took the watermelon that makes it racist, its the small child with a fistful of foodstamps that was left in its place.

      Aug 28, 2008 at 6:29 pm   rating: 11  small thumbs up

       
    • #6.5   anglophile bang

      I know three people who detest watermelon.

      They’re all white.

      Make of it what you will.

      Aug 28, 2008 at 7:04 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
    • #6.6   amy d bang

      Make that 4, Glo.

      Wait, I’m not white.

      Never mind. ;)

      Aug 28, 2008 at 7:06 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #6.7   Claire bang

      Have you ever noticed that the more pathetic the garden the more stingy the gardener is to share? Who the hell would murder someone over ONE watermelon?

      Aug 28, 2008 at 7:32 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #6.8   tinkerbell2

      *passes a dunce’s hat to E*

      here, wear this.

      [sigh]

      Aug 29, 2008 at 8:07 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #6.9   MK

      you know, when it’s a joke about a racial stereotype, it’s all about the humor. i love them because they’re are just funny… not that i actually BELIEVE that all black people this, all white people that, all hispanics this, and what have you.

      go be offended all you want, but it’s just a waste of energy. i would be more offended by more important things, like affirmative action. It’s basically just giving jobs to under-achieving individuals based on minority status. So getting the job doesn’t mean you are good at what you do, it just means that you’re helping your new boss make quota. THAT’S offensive.

      Nov 13, 2009 at 4:52 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #7   Timo bang

    I bet those fucktards stole the watermelon and then rang the buzzer waking up their precious Wunderkind!

    Aug 27, 2008 at 5:28 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #7.1   Adhara

      In which case, they’re already cursed to Hell, so what’s it matter if they get threatened by the law?

      Aug 27, 2008 at 10:54 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #7.2   Bunnee

      What ever happened to that note? I looked for it yesterday and it wasn’t there! Maybe it has re-appeared today…..

      Aug 28, 2008 at 10:34 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #7.3   Claire bang

      I wonder if they also came back later and puked up watermelon on the welcome mat?

      Aug 28, 2008 at 7:33 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #8   Canthz_B bang

    I’ve always thought of gardeners as such peaceful people. This willingness to take up arms comes as a shock.

    Aug 27, 2008 at 5:32 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

    • #8.1   Mishee bang

      Not according to the movie Miss Congeniality – “Of course he had a gun. This is Texas! Everybody has a gun. My florist has a gun!”

      Aug 27, 2008 at 5:39 pm   rating: 17  small thumbs up

       
    • #8.2   Timo bang

      ” Hey man like love Mother Earth! Life is a garden, dig it! But if you touch my plants I will go all unibomber on you.” :razz:

      Aug 27, 2008 at 5:40 pm   rating: 17  small thumbs up

       
    • #8.3   Futon

      I thought wanting to be a florist meant you were crazy…

      Aug 27, 2008 at 7:55 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #8.4   Red Letterboxer bang

      This conjurs up an image of Elmer Fudd trying to keep Bugs Bunny away from his carrots. It’s always the quiet, peaceful gardener with a speech defect and a shotgun that you have to watch out for.

      Aug 28, 2008 at 8:48 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
    • #8.5   AuntyBron

      Shhh! Be vewy vewy quiet! I’m hunting wascly fwower wustlers! Eheheheh

      Aug 28, 2008 at 11:36 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #8.6   Claire bang

      There once was a fucktard who sought fun
      He watched a neighbor’s plants bloom in the sun
      He stole the watermelon
      And refused to go tellin’
      Eating happily as the irate guy waved a gun.

      Aug 28, 2008 at 7:39 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #9   toddspal

    Watermelons: Serious Business

    Who is the person on this earth who would SHOOT ANOTHER HUMAN BEING for the want of a watermelon?

    Aug 27, 2008 at 5:33 pm   rating: 9  small thumbs up

    • #9.1   BurstingAtTheSeams

      When I was 8 or 9, a neighborhood girl and I were walking outside behind my next-door neighbor’s house. She stole the baby watermelon that was growing on his vine – it was the only one there and it was about 6 inches.

      Oh man Larry was mad. He made a bunch of calls and I ended up getting blamed for it. I’m sure the guy had a gun, and held off only because me, alleged thief, was only a kid.

      Aug 28, 2008 at 12:01 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #9.2   AuntyBron

      Well, Todd, that would be Psycho-neighbor. You know, “He was quiet – kept to himself alot.”

      Aug 28, 2008 at 11:39 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #9.3   Claire bang

      A person whose parents were first cousins and Grandpa was also called “Uncle Bubba”. That’s who would shoot another person over a watermelon.

      Aug 28, 2008 at 7:41 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #10   0falcon8 bang

    To the Ass-Hat who keeps stealing my pot plants:
    Dude…., not cool

    Aug 27, 2008 at 5:34 pm   rating: 30  small thumbs up

    • #10.1   Ash

      …because it’s hard to be groovy without your stash.

      Aug 27, 2008 at 9:48 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #10.2   chick bang

      this aggression will not stand, man!

      Aug 28, 2008 at 5:18 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #11   RunBarbara bang

    i dont grow watermelons, but i do have some nice half-dead succulents in rotting pots on my door step. i wouldnt hesitate to shoot someone in the face with a cross bow for touching them. you have to make a stand. today its a plant, tomorrow its your mail then its your cat.

    Aug 27, 2008 at 5:35 pm   rating: 41  small thumbs up

    • #11.1   leigh

      My friend brought his air guns to my house and decided to go outside and shoot them. After 10 minutes I wandered outside to see if he had scared the Buddhists next door. He says to me somewhat proudly, “I shot your neighbor’s cactus!”

      I frowned and responded, “Those aren’t my neighbor’s cacti. Those are MY succulents.”

      Post Secret Moment! –> I steal flowers from people’s yards even though it makes me grumpy (not violent) when people take my tomatoes. *grin*

      Aug 27, 2008 at 5:45 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #11.2   Timo bang

      I have never heard of you ever shooting anyone for touching your cat. :razz:

      Aug 27, 2008 at 5:46 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #11.3   HS

      I’m actually considering the cat. They have about 20, so I would be doing them a favor. :D

      Aug 27, 2008 at 6:06 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #11.4   Mishee bang

      I personally love it when RB puts her “cross bow” into my kitty…

      Aug 27, 2008 at 6:21 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #11.5   Claire bang

      I so dislike when the neighbor’s cats use my container garden as their personal catbox. For a week, I thought the plant nursery had sold me defective lavender plants…….

      Aug 28, 2008 at 7:43 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #11.6   Claire bang

      Wait…cross bow into kitty….wrong thread….*Sigh* do I HAVE to put on the unitard?

      Aug 28, 2008 at 7:44 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #12   amy d bang

    I’m confused. What does having a .38 Special hit on a 45 have to do with anything?

    Aug 27, 2008 at 5:38 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

    • #12.1   Timo bang

      You have got to hold on loosely. See? So you can gain control, mmmmmkay.

      Aug 27, 2008 at 5:42 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #12.2   VocaPopula

      This begs for a song parody. Bonus points for anything written by Robert Plant.

      Aug 28, 2008 at 10:36 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #12.3   unholyghost2003 bang

      You asked, I answered.
      Please Read the Letter by Robert Plant & Alison Krauss

      Caught you running
      With just a little too much to hide
      Maybe baby
      You should’a read my lawn sign
      Please read the letter
      I nailed it to my yard
      It’s crazy how I assumed that you
      were the reason the plants were marred

      Too late, too late
      A fool could read the signs
      Whoever heard
      A thief leaving melon rinds?
      Please read the letter,
      I wrote it to a thief
      not knowing it was wildlife
      gnawing my plant leaf

      Please read the letter that I wrote
      Please read the letter that I wrote

      Aug 28, 2008 at 10:53 am   rating: 12  small thumbs up

       
    • #12.4   VocaPopula

      Nice!!!

      Aug 28, 2008 at 4:55 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #13   Mishee bang

    See, these notes are the reason I keep all my plants in the closet with grow lights. Yea, my neighbors get a $300 electric bill each month, but the high schoolers love my plants and I make quite a living off of it…

    Aug 27, 2008 at 5:40 pm   rating: 24  small thumbs up

     
  • #14   0falcon8 bang

    what the fuck is a water mellan?

    Aug 27, 2008 at 5:42 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #14.1   B Rad

      It’s what Blind Mellan finally gets when it rains.

      Aug 28, 2008 at 12:12 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #15   mjb

    The writer in the second note has it right. What good are the cops, mayor, and neighbors regarding stolen plants? A gun will do just nicely.

    Aug 27, 2008 at 5:44 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #15.1   Claire bang

      Ah…southern gun nuts! Which led to some confusion at the office water cooler when the news broke that Russia had invaded Georgia…one colleague muttered, “You think the Ruskies would invade a state that had sttricter gun control…”

      *Reaches into desk drawer for atlas and a lesson on world geography and international politics*

      Aug 28, 2008 at 7:48 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #16   HS

    So you notified the mayor, did ya? Good for you. I’ll go alert the media. I’m sure there’s a reporter hungry for this kind of story.

    Aug 27, 2008 at 6:09 pm   rating: 11  small thumbs up

    • #16.1   amazon bang

      I once interned in a congressman’s office. You’d be surprised what some people write/call in to their public officials about.

      “Dear Mister President: there are too many states nowadays. Please eliminate three. I am not a crackpot.”

      Aug 27, 2008 at 8:16 pm   rating: 23  small thumbs up

       
    • #16.2   Holiday Djinn

      I have always thought there was room to combine states. Like North Dakota, and Texas. You would get North DaKotex. Then again, that might be just a bloody mess.

      How about Utah and Idaho. Udaho. Perhaps though i am just playing loose with these names?

      Aug 28, 2008 at 9:43 am   rating: 14  small thumbs up

       
    • #16.3   unholyghost2003 bang

      One of my favorite true stories from when I worked as the secretary for the person in the highest appointed position in my county. I got a voice mail from an elderly person saying “I have to dump. It is too big for the trash. Where should I go?” People tell the government anything and expect government to fix EVERYTHING.

      Aug 28, 2008 at 9:49 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #16.4   Claire bang

      Or combine Alaska, New Mexico, and Idaho…Alsnewho…Al Gore would be so pleased….

      Hmmm…perhaps that would be geographically impossible…..

      Aug 28, 2008 at 7:50 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #17   katrina

    that watermelon was fucking delicious….

    Aug 27, 2008 at 6:12 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

    • #17.1   Mishee bang

      Katrina – you know what you have to do now…

      That was just WRONG! And deliberate too!

      Aug 27, 2008 at 6:19 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #18   glastonberry

    crazy capitals batman:

    “WATCHING for any more Flower destruction and Theft”

    Which begets the response:

    “YoU Are? OK I’ll bE rigHt oVEr aNd stOMp on yOur FUcking dAiSIes!”

    Aug 27, 2008 at 6:19 pm   rating: 17  small thumbs up

    • #18.1   SchrodingersDuck

      Is Torgo the God of bad capitalization?

      Aug 27, 2008 at 6:36 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #18.2   Eric B.

      The Master would not be pleased.

      Aug 27, 2008 at 6:52 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #19   punkypower bang

    I bet these signs were written by the Mr. McGregor from The Tale of Peter Rabbit. If the thieves aren’t careful, they might have an “accident” and then Mrs. McGregor will put them in a pie.

    Aug 27, 2008 at 6:20 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

    • #19.1   Bellabeastie

      An “accident” caused by the ex-military types who “aren’t afraid to chase after you or shoot you.”

      Yikes. :shock:

      Team Mrs. McGregor Could Have a Point There

      Aug 27, 2008 at 7:40 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #19.2   amazon bang

      Ha! I like it. “The Tale of Peter Rabbit: 2008″

      Mr. McGregor has a 38 special.

      Aug 27, 2008 at 8:20 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #19.3   jackie31337 bang

      Ah, “chase after you or shoot” makes a lot more sense than “chase after you or shout”, which is how I read it originally. That would be more characteristic of Mr. McGregor, and I thought maybe that’s what they were alluding to.

      Aug 28, 2008 at 4:04 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #19.4   T

      Mr. McGregor ( OBE, DSO ) is not one to trifle with. He still has an old Enfield under the bed and more than a few Nazis could attest to his markmanship if they were still alive today.

      Aug 28, 2008 at 1:10 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #19.5   Claire bang

      Oh, these days, Mr. McGregor is packing a Mossberg 12-gauge 25th Anniversary Turkey Hunter’s Special Edition shotgun…wirth factory camo-paint job…and he means business…

      Aug 28, 2008 at 7:54 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #20   Jody

    I can empathize with the hostility and frustration because I spend literally thousands of dollars, and hundreds of hours gardening too, on my nine…count ‘em, nine…flower gardens, each year.

    But mostly, I just like the “fucktard” bit.

    Aug 27, 2008 at 6:26 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #20.1   Ash

      That was a favorite of mine as well.

      Aug 27, 2008 at 9:50 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #20.2   Claire bang

      I have a colleague is referred to as “Fucktard”…wonder if it is the same one who is also stealing melons from people’s gardens….

      Aug 28, 2008 at 7:55 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #21   katrina

    *makes careful note to self*
    k…..tis like flossing teeth….you want back and forth, NOT up and down with the unitard, right?

    Aug 27, 2008 at 6:34 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

     
  • #22   SchrodingersDuck

    The capitalization of The Police suggests that it is in fact the famous rock group who are standing guard watching the garden.

    Does that make it a… STING operation? (groan)

    Aug 27, 2008 at 6:41 pm   rating: 35  small thumbs up

    • #22.1   snee bang

      and maybe the garden is full of beatles?

      Aug 27, 2008 at 10:20 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #22.2   Adhara

      *rolls on the floor laughing*

      I am immune to bad jokes. They just amuse me. =3

      Aug 27, 2008 at 10:57 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #22.3   Canthz_B bang

      Maybe the flowers are being ruined by Rolling Stones.

      Aug 27, 2008 at 11:03 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #22.4   Crash bang

      All they need is a little Killer Bud, man…
      Then they’ll have their Flower Power back.

      But don’t trip on the shrooms in the garden, man…
      You’ll piss off the Iron Butterfly.

      Aug 27, 2008 at 11:24 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #22.5   Canthz_B bang

      I’ll try not to succumb to The Temptations, Crash.

      Aug 28, 2008 at 12:25 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #22.6   bellabeastie

      But the Iron Maiden will jealously be guarding her precious garden… ;)

      Aug 28, 2008 at 12:28 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #22.7   Crash bang

      Oh, what a night it was, CB
      The night I’ve passed this way before, one night when I felt like I was on cloud nine, standing on top of the world, running wild with power in this psychedelic shack…
      But I realized, I just aint having fun anymore and said to myself, just don’t look back and woke myself, in this ball of confusion, I felt like I was on shaky ground, but to my surprise, it was all just my imagination running away with me…
      I never can say goodbye to the heavenly Temptation on that, some enchanted evening…

      It’s the shrooms, man..

      bellabeastie…
      She’s packin’ Gun’s ‘n’ Roses, too 8)

      Aug 28, 2008 at 1:00 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #22.8   Canthz_B bang

      Come down safely, Crash.
      The garden needs help…I wish it would rain!

      Aug 28, 2008 at 1:09 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #22.9   Canthz_B bang

      Flowers prefer the Sex “Pistils” to Guns ‘n Roses.

      Aug 28, 2008 at 1:17 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #22.10   Crash bang

      Ya’…The Sex Pistols Killed Bambie while he was on a Holiday In The Sun..It was Something Else…

      Aug 28, 2008 at 1:27 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #22.11   Crash bang

      That day, there were Tears In Heaven and I was Riding The Lightning through the Winds Of Change in a Purple Haze over The Wall, to The Land Of Confusion and into the Garden of Eden.
      I was Stupified by the Intoxication of a Forsaken Mistress, For Whom The Bells Toll’d.
      She opened The Doors of The Watch Tower and said to me “C’mon baby, Light My Fire” and she made me her Harvester Of Sorrow…

      Aug 28, 2008 at 1:51 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #22.12   Crash bang

      She was So Cold, As I Lay Dying, in The End…
      That was my Last Dance With Mary Jane in the Wicked Garden…

      Aug 28, 2008 at 2:29 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #22.13   Claire bang

      Tsk! Tsk! People! All this is really is a bunch of pentup hostility released toward unseen vandals…

      Guns N Roses, really…..Their original name, Pistols and Melons never quite took off….

      Aug 28, 2008 at 7:57 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #23   Stitchin-Liz bang

    Can you imagine what that poor secretary who answered the phone at the mayor’s office had to listen to?

    “Someone has ruined and stolen my plants! I want the mayor to call the national guard to come patrol my garden! My husband is a power in local authority circles and he won’t stand for this!”

    Aug 27, 2008 at 6:44 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #23.1   Claire bang

      “I am Vice President of the Austin gardening group, the Untouched Petals! I will use every means within my power to…bring..you..down!”

      Aug 28, 2008 at 7:59 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #24   Eric B.

    You bastard! That watermelon wasn’t even ripe yet! It still hadn’t tasted the joys of first love! It was in the full flower of youth and you violated it! I hope that crack was fucking delicious, you asshole!

    Aug 27, 2008 at 6:56 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

     
  • #25   Woman on the Verge

    To the Fucktard who can’t spell watermelon:
    Where can I buy ‘fucking plants’ anyway? There has to be fortune in those suckers.

    Aug 27, 2008 at 6:56 pm   rating: 19  small thumbs up

    • #25.1   punkypower bang

      Well plants do have male and female parts. We’ve just been fooled into the whole “birds and bees” lie that’s been passed on for generations. All this time the plants were actually fucking!

      Aug 27, 2008 at 11:41 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #25.2   aaa

      But the plants do sometimes need help. You know how some people just truly suck at fucking? Some plants truly suck at fucking, too. That’s why they have to rely on pollinators like birds, bees, and bats to get the job done.

      Aug 28, 2008 at 7:23 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #25.3   Red Letterboxer bang

      “That’s why they have to rely on pollinators like birds, bees, and bats to get the job done.”

      What kind of crazy Addams Family sex talk did your parents give you?

      Aug 28, 2008 at 8:50 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
    • #25.4   djr

      He’s obviously referring to Fruit Bats. It’s common knowledge that two boy plants can’t make baby plants without some help. Duh.

      Aug 28, 2008 at 10:35 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #25.5   punkypower bang

      Ah, IVF for plants. Do these birds and bees have degrees to perform such a function or are they just running around pollinating willy-nilly?

      Aug 28, 2008 at 6:03 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #25.6   Claire bang

      A garden with “fucking plants” would save on ordering from seed catalogs in February…and would be very popular with certain tour groups….

      Aug 28, 2008 at 8:00 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #25.7   Claire bang

      A misguided relative of mine who as he got older used to stand in his garden in the nude and play with his willy.

      Aug 28, 2008 at 8:02 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #26   claw71 bang

    Neighbors are only useful if you can count on them and you can’t count on them if the hate you. Mine can’t stand me. They wouldn’t piss on me if if I was on fire. They didn’t the last time.

    Maybe I shouldn’t have banged Mike’s daughter when he was in Chicago and I suppose stealing the copper tubing out of Ted and Nancy’s place was a bit rude but I thought they were staying in Colorado Springs for another week. As soon as I could triple that money at the track I was going to put it back. Assholes.

    Then you have Pete and Cindy who haven’t looked me in the eye since they caught me shitting in their mums. I’d locked myself out of the house and I thought they would bloom longer. I had to crap so why not do them a solid…or in that case a semi-solid. I was trying to be a stand up guy.

    I’m not a bad neighbor. I made a few mistakes. We had that explosion in the meth lab out back last year and the block was evacuated but accidents happen, and I probably shouldn’t buy girl scout cookies in the nude but that’s how I roll. She’s knocking on my door, right?

    It just isn’t fair.

    Aug 27, 2008 at 7:39 pm   rating: 33  small thumbs up

    • #26.1   katrina

      psstt….making poopy standing up must be difficult….i knew men could pee standing up…but poopy? :)

      Aug 27, 2008 at 7:53 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #26.2   Bikerbabeee

      Claw,
      really, if you don’t write for a living, you should at least consider doing it for shits and giggles. You always give me the giggles…. Mrs./Mistress Claw if applicable.. I envy you.

      Aug 28, 2008 at 12:26 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #26.3   snee bang

      apparently, claw has no problem with the shits.

      Aug 28, 2008 at 12:52 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #26.4   Claire bang

      Claw leads such a full life…hopefully, he will make the time and begin penning his memoirs soon…maybe he will also have time to write the instructional tome: “How to Poop Standing Up”

      Aug 28, 2008 at 8:04 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #26.5   RunBarbara bang

      i would be mrs. claw, but then him sneaking into my apartment to rape me twice a month wouldnt be fun anymore.

      Aug 28, 2008 at 8:09 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #27   Wade bang

    “Some are ex-military and not afraid to chase after you and shoot”

    Sounds like Blackwater got another no-bid contract.

    Aug 27, 2008 at 7:40 pm   rating: 16  small thumbs up

    • #27.1   snee bang

      y’know, i first read that as “not afraid to chase after you and shout“. i kinda thought that was a lame threat. now, shooting? i could run away quick-like from that shit.

      Aug 27, 2008 at 10:25 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #28   aaa

    Because I’m so sure that the mayor of Pittsburgh gives a flying fuck about your flowers.

    Aug 27, 2008 at 7:45 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #28.1   Wade bang

      Maybe it is a part of Pittsburgh’s Weed & Seed anti-crime program.

      Aug 27, 2008 at 8:01 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #29   aaa

    Seriously, kids, if you can affort plants, you can probably afford a lower-end surveillance camera. Or, if you want to go the free route, you can always do a late-night stakeout with your ex-military neighbors and your 38 special.

    Aug 27, 2008 at 7:48 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #30   Canthz_B bang

    There must be a huge demand for black-market hostas.

    Aug 27, 2008 at 8:28 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #31   some dude

    I had to crap so why not do them a solid…or in that case a semi-solid. hilarious

    Aug 27, 2008 at 8:30 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #32   Lisa

    My neighbor actually called the police one time because someone had taken her indoor plant that she had placed outside near the garbage can (I live in a condo). I felt bad for the poor police officer who had to appease her by going door to door asking if anyone knew who had taken the plant. It turns out that a neighbor a couple of doors down had taken it because she thought someone had thrown it out (it was near the garbage can afterall). Who knew people were so attached to their plants!

    Aug 27, 2008 at 8:40 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

     
  • #33   Crash bang

    Note #3 is wrapped in plastic for preservation.
    It’s being held as evidence at a murder scene…

    Aug 27, 2008 at 9:19 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

    • #33.1   Claire bang

      I thought the note writer was just practicing “Safe PAN”, Crash.

      Aug 28, 2008 at 8:54 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #34   Melanie

    So, I watched this documentary on the Shakers yesterday and apparently, when people started stealing their crops, they would plant extra. Extra for the wildlife, too. But it makes me wonder, do the thieves and wildlife know how much is their share and how much they should leave behind?

    My entire tomato crop was stolen by squirrels this year. They TEWTALLY ignored the signs I left for them. Jerks.

    Aug 27, 2008 at 9:53 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

    • #34.1   Crash bang

      Did you write it in gerbilish… ??

      Aug 27, 2008 at 9:56 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #34.2   snee bang

      skwerls are evil.

      Aug 27, 2008 at 10:26 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #34.3   bellabeastie

      SSKKKRRRRLLLZZZ.

      And Gerbilish is a language my brother’s dog understands.

      Plus fuck the ex-military types, neighbors, mayors — bring it ON-

      No one’s stealing shit if there’s Skwerrellzz to eat–flowers, shit.

      Don’t need no 38 Special when he’s around.

      Aug 28, 2008 at 12:00 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #34.4   bellabeastie

      I had them steal all my tomatos one year. Even before they were ripe, too, so I can feel the pain of the loss of the water -melllin.

      Sorta.

      Not.

      Aug 28, 2008 at 12:13 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #34.5   katrina

      Personally I’d laugh my ass off if someone stole our tomatoes….we grow them for fun and just let the dogs pee on them. (needless to say we don’t eat them)

      Aug 28, 2008 at 6:28 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #35   snee bang

    since i have a brown thumb, i leave half-dead plants out, hoping someone will steal them, give them a better home….

    Aug 27, 2008 at 10:28 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #35.1   Holiday Djinn

      If you didn’t use your thumb for “personal hygiene” it wouldn’t be that color.

      Aug 28, 2008 at 9:36 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #36   Canthz_B bang

    Dear Warning You,

    Stealing plants is my second job!

    Aug 27, 2008 at 10:49 pm   rating: 17  small thumbs up

     
  • #37   snee bang

    with all the capital letters, underlining, invoking of politicians, and threats of gun violence, you’d think these gardens were growing potent cash crops instead of watermellans and flowers.

    Aug 28, 2008 at 12:30 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #37.1   AuntyBron

      You’d think he would know how to spell “watermelon”. It’s right there on the seed packet.

      Aug 28, 2008 at 11:50 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #38   Canthz_B bang

    If the ex-military neighbors camouflage themselves for the stakeout, won’t they ruin the foliage they are supposed to be protecting?

    Aug 28, 2008 at 1:05 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #38.1   aaa

      Depends on whose properties they’re hiding out on. If they’re hiding in the bushes of the neighbor across the street that they don’t like too terribly much, I suppose the whole foliage protection thing doesn’t really factor in.

      Aug 28, 2008 at 7:20 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #39   MB

    Your missing for today? Try and slip the word fucktard into a conversation

    Aug 28, 2008 at 1:53 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #40   MB

    Your mission for today? Try and slip the word fucktard into a conversation

    Aug 28, 2008 at 1:54 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #40.1   Crash bang

      Your mission for today? Try and slip a double post on a thread… :lol:

      Aug 28, 2008 at 1:57 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #40.2   snee bang

      when don’t i use ‘fucktard’ in conversation?

      Aug 28, 2008 at 2:00 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #41   Xtroll

    While I refuse to wear a unitard, I will wear a fucktard.

    Aug 28, 2008 at 5:25 am   rating: 10  small thumbs up

    • #41.1   djr

      Fucktard reporting for duty, sir!

      Aug 28, 2008 at 10:40 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #42   Red Letterboxer bang

    If He really wants to keep people out of the Garden, maybe He should post an angel with a fiery sword at the entrance… oh wait, wrong garden. My bad.

    Aug 28, 2008 at 8:38 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #42.1   reyna ulikba bang

      One cannot have enough fiery swords at one’s disposal.

      Aug 28, 2008 at 11:25 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #42.2   djr

      Yeah, his is the garden of eatin’.

      But I can see how you’d get the two confused, both include forbidden fruit.

      Aug 28, 2008 at 5:35 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #43   Holiday Djinn

    I thought when he mentioned .38 special he meant the really crappy Southern Rock band. The warning is evident. I love shooting people who steal out of my melon patch second only to crappy southern fried rock music.

    Aug 28, 2008 at 9:30 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #44   Krystolla

    Real gardeners don’t use guns.
    Real gardeners use edged weapons, poisons and electric fences.

    After the groundhog wars, keeping out Candy-the-brown-sugar-addict is easy.

    Aug 28, 2008 at 9:36 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #45   sprut

    I like the last one with the plastic bag around it that makes it waterproof. :) haha

    Aug 28, 2008 at 9:39 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #46   Woman on the Verge

    NAFU (National Association of Fucktards United) is formally issuing this statement: We may be fucktards, but we can spell watermelon… and for the record, we appreciate your informing us of the state of your “mellan” and hereby vow to only steal ripe fruit in the future.

    Aug 28, 2008 at 10:57 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

     
  • #47   octavius

    Last summer I caught someone stealing plums from one of my trees, at the same time her dog was taking a dump on my lawn. Shooting is too good for such abominations. An extended tasering session would be better, although forcing the thief to eat an entire unripe watermellon ( as an alternative to having it rammed up his rectum ) would also be satisfactory.

    That said, these gardens don’t exactly look like earthly paradises, in fact the first one needs only a rusting Plymouth to complete its post apocalyptic ambience.

    Aug 28, 2008 at 11:04 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #48   thirty six red

    Perhaps fecal laden punji sticks would be appropriate.

    Aug 28, 2008 at 12:20 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #49   Lurker

    I can afford plants without a second job; I just can’t be arsed to drive all the way to Lowe’s. I mean, they built it out there on the state highway with all the new big-box stores, and the traffic is a bitch, I’ll tell you that for free. Your plants are just so much more convenient. I’d be happy to pay for them, but there’s never anyone at the register in your yard. You just can’t get good customer service these days, not even in the neighborhood Mom & Pop places.

    Aug 28, 2008 at 1:07 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

     
  • #50   MissD

    I had someone steal a little stone Buddah out of one of my planter out front. That can’t be cosmically good…

    Aug 28, 2008 at 2:12 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #51   Mishee bang

    Everybody knows its those damn garden gnomes… they are disgruntled and yearn to be FREE….

    http://www.freethegnomes.com/

    Aug 28, 2008 at 3:02 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #51.1   Timo bang

      Aye, fight and you may die. Run, and you’ll live… at least a while. And dying in your beds, many years from now, would you be willin’ to trade ALL the days, from this day to that, for one chance, just one chance, to come back here and tell our enemies that they may take our lives, but they’ll never take… OUR FREEDOM!

      Aug 28, 2008 at 4:22 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #51.2   Mishee bang

      … sugar tits…

      Aug 28, 2008 at 4:25 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #52   thirty six red

    Once again the quintessence of the notes are intolerant oppressive AND discriminatroy.

    Aug 28, 2008 at 3:41 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #52.1   Mishee bang

      Hey now, I know Troy and he isn’t discrimina at ALL…

      Aug 28, 2008 at 4:05 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #52.2   thirty six red

      Arrrhhhh, ya’ got me.

      Aug 28, 2008 at 4:47 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #53   sallahdog

    I am completely with the sign writers. I used to live in a neighborhood where my prize roses seemed to mysteriously get cut (usually wrong and screwing up the next cycle of bloom), usually on Friday night. We moved and my roses are now behind a tall fence with a Doberman as their companion…

    I have had many a fantasy about spiked barbs flying out of the garden at rose snatching varmits… sigh.. I go right over passive agressive, right to agressive..

    Aug 28, 2008 at 6:53 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #54   Claire bang

    First there was the Garden of Eden…now meet the Garden of Mass Destruction…Who knew Mr. McGregor would become such an Old School insurgent?

    Aug 28, 2008 at 8:06 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #55   Numinous bang

    U CANT HAZ WATER MELLEN

    Aug 29, 2008 at 9:30 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

     
  • #56   ansco

    Hey if you think that is racist, maybe you are the one that is racist.

    Sep 1, 2008 at 8:03 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #57   Marinka

    How do you tell when the watermelon is ripe? Just wondering. Also, what’s with all the crack-bashing?

    Sep 3, 2008 at 7:51 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #58   katie

    wow. stealing plants. sad.

    The indian family next door to my boyfriend does that. Maybe there’s a culture barrier but his dad caught the grandma picking flowers from their garden told her to stop or he’d hose her down she said “oh just one more” and stole another. They also noticed that their apple tree had been raided (you have to climb a fence).

    I just don’t get people.

    Sep 5, 2008 at 4:12 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #59   tim

    I hate people who fuck with other’s gardens. Srsly, tis not cool.

    I think anyone who does that should have someone load about a ton of earth into their living room, see how they like someone fucking up their space.

    Grr.

    Oh but plants don’t feel right? Sigh.

    (doesn’t have a garden but my partner does; the other people in the house think it’s cool to remove/destroy perfectly happy plants that are not in the way because they obviously think a garden grows itself; or would prefer concrete!)

    Sep 9, 2008 at 5:57 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #60   mattresses

    just when i thought i saw it all, a watermelon thief now emerges

    Sep 29, 2008 at 5:37 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #61   Indigo

    Ah, Georgia, how I want to get away from you.

    Jan 16, 2009 at 10:35 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #62   Michelle

    “I’m sure you wouldn’t have noticed when you were HIGH ON CRACK”
    I love how it’s assumed someone who stole a watermelon was a crack addict.

    Feb 12, 2009 at 6:16 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #63   Claire

    Dear Rich White People With Too Much Money, Time, and Firearms on Their Hands :

    Fuck You.

    :)

    Feb 17, 2009 at 4:18 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #64   gone country

    [...] related: the right to bear fruit [...]

    Sep 25, 2009 at 3:01 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #65   kevin

    evidently some landscaping companies will steal flowerbeds of freshly planted flowers and then sell them to clients… i had no idea until the flowerbeds at our store kept getting stolen in the middle of the night. people are pretty lame sometimes.

    Sep 26, 2009 at 11:42 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #66   Kiss your mother with that mouth?

    [...] related: the right to bear fruit [...]

    Nov 12, 2009 at 11:06 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #67   Arboreal abuse | PassiveAggressiveNotes.com — funny (if not necessarily "passive-aggressive") notes from pissed-off people

    [...] The right to bear fruit [...]

    Jun 3, 2010 at 9:52 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #68   Totally fried green tomatoes | PassiveAggressiveNotes.com

    [...] related: the right to bear fruit[...]

    Jun 13, 2010 at 2:27 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #69   “Testosterone-fueled wackjobs make the darndest threats!” | PassiveAggressiveNotes.com

    [...] The right to bear fruit [...]

    Jul 27, 2010 at 11:12 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #70   The Orchid (and Daffodil and Begonia) Thief | PassiveAggressiveNotes.com

    [...] related:  Three cities where nature-lovers might want to keep their hands to themselves [...]

    Apr 19, 2011 at 11:14 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     

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