the right to bear fruit

August 27th, 2008 · 161 comments

three u.s. cities where nature-lovers might want to keep their hands to themselves:

1. austin, texas

2. macon, georgia

3. pittsburgh, pennsylvania

(thanks to don in austin, elizabeth in macon, and jasmine in pittsburgh for risking the wrath of some devoted gardening/second amendment enthusiasts to document these warnings.)

related: no “questions” asked

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FILED UNDER: CAPS LOCK · austin · blame it on the crackhead · exclamation-point happy! · georgia · macon · neighbors · not-so-veiled threats · pittsburgh · spelling and grammar police · stealing

161 responses so far ↓

#1 Goldie

The deflorators in the third note are probably rabbits and deer. Hate to break it to the note author, but they can’t read.

To the first two - I heard it is more fun when you share your plants, y’know, form a circle, pass them around.

Aug 27, 2008 at 5:20 pm rating: +24

reply to this comment
- #1.1 unholyghost2003
  
  and squirrels will dig neat little holes and steal flower bulbs. So note 1 might very well be squirrels. Note 2, depending on the size of the watermelon, could be raccoons. All of this bluster and all that is going to happen is these assholes are going to get busted for hunting without a permit inside city limits!
  
  Aug 28, 2008 at 9:42 am rating: +3
- #1.2 Lurker
  
  My grandma would swear up and down that some SOB was stealing all her vegetables. She would never admit to the possibility that it might be critters.
  
  Aug 28, 2008 at 1:09 pm rating: +2
- #1.3 Claire
  
  I do not think that just having ONE watermelon “water mellon” actually constitues having a garden.
  
  *Imagines that durned Fucktard dressed in his unitard happily eating water mellon on the porch across the street*
  
  Aug 28, 2008 at 7:27 pm rating: +2
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#2 Timo

Mayor Adam West is on the scene! They had better watch out he will make them pay.
*Boff!* *KaPoow!* *Ooooof!*

Aug 27, 2008 at 5:23 pm rating: +11

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- #2.1 AuntyBron
  
  And if that’s not enough he’ll call in Robin, the Boy Wonder
  *BLAM* *ZOWIE*
  
  Oh! for the days of old fashioned sound effects.
  
  Aug 28, 2008 at 11:32 am rating: +1
- #2.2 Claire
  
  Holy Seedless Watemelons, but that was some tasty fruit, Batman!
  
  Aug 28, 2008 at 7:28 pm rating: +3
- #2.3 thatswhatshesaid
  
  *gets smacked in the nose with said watermelon and bleeds*
  
  Oh my God.. I’m a Tomato!
  
  Aug 30, 2008 at 10:16 am rating: +2
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#3 Wade

Maybe Candy likes watermelon with her brown sugar.

Aug 27, 2008 at 5:24 pm rating: +6

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#4 Jeannette E. Spaghetti

Ha Ha. Fucktard.

Aug 27, 2008 at 5:25 pm rating: +3

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#5 Wade

I hope the plants mentioned in note two are practicing prudent pollination.

Aug 27, 2008 at 5:27 pm rating: +6

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#6 RunBarbara

stealing watermelon?
high on crack?
what a racist. i know what they are implying.

Aug 27, 2008 at 5:28 pm rating: +69

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- #6.1 Canthz_B
  
  The trail of chicken wing bones was a dead give-away.
  
  Aug 27, 2008 at 10:45 pm rating: +27
- #6.2 RunBarbara
  
  and the slick coating of Murray’s on the fence post.
  
  Aug 28, 2008 at 3:55 pm rating: +1
- #6.3 E
  
  Or maybe the one who’s racist is the one who only thinks of one race when they hear of crack or watermelons.
  
  Personally…I know many white crackheads and don’t really know anyone who DOESN’T like watermelon.
  
  Aug 28, 2008 at 6:24 pm rating: +4
- #6.4 Mishee
  
  It wasn’t that they took the watermelon that makes it racist, its the small child with a fistful of foodstamps that was left in its place.
  
  Aug 28, 2008 at 6:29 pm rating: +2
- #6.5 anglophile
  
  I know three people who detest watermelon.
  
  They’re all white.
  
  Make of it what you will.
  
  Aug 28, 2008 at 7:04 pm rating: +4
- #6.6 amy d
  
  Make that 4, Glo.
  
  Wait, I’m not white.
  
  Never mind.
  
  Aug 28, 2008 at 7:06 pm rating: +1
- #6.7 Claire
  
  Have you ever noticed that the more pathetic the garden the more stingy the gardener is to share? Who the hell would murder someone over ONE watermelon?
  
  Aug 28, 2008 at 7:32 pm rating: +1
- #6.8 tinkerbell2
  
  *passes a dunce’s hat to E*
  
  here, wear this.
  
  [sigh]
  
  Aug 29, 2008 at 8:07 am rating: 0
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#7 Timo

I bet those fucktards stole the watermelon and then rang the buzzer waking up their precious Wunderkind!

Aug 27, 2008 at 5:28 pm rating: +2

reply to this comment
- #7.1 Adhara
  
  In which case, they’re already cursed to Hell, so what’s it matter if they get threatened by the law?
  
  Aug 27, 2008 at 10:54 pm rating: +1
- #7.2 Bunnee
  
  What ever happened to that note? I looked for it yesterday and it wasn’t there! Maybe it has re-appeared today…..
  
  Aug 28, 2008 at 10:34 am rating: 0
- #7.3 Claire
  
  I wonder if they also came back later and puked up watermelon on the welcome mat?
  
  Aug 28, 2008 at 7:33 pm rating: 0
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#8 Canthz_B

I’ve always thought of gardeners as such peaceful people. This willingness to take up arms comes as a shock.

Aug 27, 2008 at 5:32 pm rating: +7

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- #8.1 Mishee
  
  Not according to the movie Miss Congeniality - “Of course he had a gun. This is Texas! Everybody has a gun. My florist has a gun!”
  
  Aug 27, 2008 at 5:39 pm rating: +11
- #8.2 Timo
  
  ” Hey man like love Mother Earth! Life is a garden, dig it! But if you touch my plants I will go all unibomber on you.”
  
  Aug 27, 2008 at 5:40 pm rating: +14
- #8.3 Futon
  
  I thought wanting to be a florist meant you were crazy…
  
  Aug 27, 2008 at 7:55 pm rating: +1
- #8.4 Red Letterboxer
  
  This conjurs up an image of Elmer Fudd trying to keep Bugs Bunny away from his carrots. It’s always the quiet, peaceful gardener with a speech defect and a shotgun that you have to watch out for.
  
  Aug 28, 2008 at 8:48 am rating: +4
- #8.5 AuntyBron
  
  Shhh! Be vewy vewy quiet! I’m hunting wascly fwower wustlers! Eheheheh
  
  Aug 28, 2008 at 11:36 am rating: +1
- #8.6 Claire
  
  There once was a fucktard who sought fun
  He watched a neighbor’s plants bloom in the sun
  He stole the watermelon
  And refused to go tellin’
  Eating happily as the irate guy waved a gun.
  
  Aug 28, 2008 at 7:39 pm rating: +2
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#9 toddspal

Watermelons: Serious Business

Who is the person on this earth who would SHOOT ANOTHER HUMAN BEING for the want of a watermelon?

Aug 27, 2008 at 5:33 pm rating: +7

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- #9.1 BurstingAtTheSeams
  
  When I was 8 or 9, a neighborhood girl and I were walking outside behind my next-door neighbor’s house. She stole the baby watermelon that was growing on his vine - it was the only one there and it was about 6 inches.
  
  Oh man Larry was mad. He made a bunch of calls and I ended up getting blamed for it. I’m sure the guy had a gun, and held off only because me, alleged thief, was only a kid.
  
  Aug 28, 2008 at 12:01 am rating: +2
- #9.2 AuntyBron
  
  Well, Todd, that would be Psycho-neighbor. You know, “He was quiet - kept to himself alot.”
  
  Aug 28, 2008 at 11:39 am rating: 0
- #9.3 Claire
  
  A person whose parents were first cousins and Grandpa was also called “Uncle Bubba”. That’s who would shoot another person over a watermelon.
  
  Aug 28, 2008 at 7:41 pm rating: 0
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#10 0falcon8

To the Ass-Hat who keeps stealing my pot plants:
Dude…., not cool

Aug 27, 2008 at 5:34 pm rating: +24

reply to this comment
- #10.1 Ash
  
  …because it’s hard to be groovy without your stash.
  
  Aug 27, 2008 at 9:48 pm rating: +2
- #10.2 chick
  
  this aggression will not stand, man!
  
  Aug 28, 2008 at 5:18 am rating: +2
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#11 RunBarbara

i dont grow watermelons, but i do have some nice half-dead succulents in rotting pots on my door step. i wouldnt hesitate to shoot someone in the face with a cross bow for touching them. you have to make a stand. today its a plant, tomorrow its your mail then its your cat.

Aug 27, 2008 at 5:35 pm rating: +33

reply to this comment
- #11.1 leigh
  
  My friend brought his air guns to my house and decided to go outside and shoot them. After 10 minutes I wandered outside to see if he had scared the Buddhists next door. He says to me somewhat proudly, “I shot your neighbor’s cactus!”
  
  I frowned and responded, “Those aren’t my neighbor’s cacti. Those are MY succulents.”
  
  Post Secret Moment! –> I steal flowers from people’s yards even though it makes me grumpy (not violent) when people take my tomatoes. *grin*
  
  Aug 27, 2008 at 5:45 pm rating: +3
- #11.2 Timo
  
  I have never heard of you ever shooting anyone for touching your cat.
  
  Aug 27, 2008 at 5:46 pm rating: +1
- #11.3 HS
  
  I’m actually considering the cat. They have about 20, so I would be doing them a favor.
  
  Aug 27, 2008 at 6:06 pm rating: 0
- #11.4 Mishee
  
  I personally love it when RB puts her “cross bow” into my kitty…
  
  Aug 27, 2008 at 6:21 pm rating: +5
- #11.5 Claire
  
  I so dislike when the neighbor’s cats use my container garden as their personal catbox. For a week, I thought the plant nursery had sold me defective lavender plants…….
  
  Aug 28, 2008 at 7:43 pm rating: 0
- #11.6 Claire
  
  Wait…cross bow into kitty….wrong thread….*Sigh* do I HAVE to put on the unitard?
  
  Aug 28, 2008 at 7:44 pm rating: 0
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#12 amy d

I’m confused. What does having a .38 Special hit on a 45 have to do with anything?

Aug 27, 2008 at 5:38 pm rating: +6

reply to this comment
- #12.1 Timo
  
  You have got to hold on loosely. See? So you can gain control, mmmmmkay.
  
  Aug 27, 2008 at 5:42 pm rating: +3
- #12.2 VocaPopula
  
  This begs for a song parody. Bonus points for anything written by Robert Plant.
  
  Aug 28, 2008 at 10:36 am rating: 0
- #12.3 unholyghost2003
  
  You asked, I answered.
  Please Read the Letter by Robert Plant & Alison Krauss
  
  Caught you running
  With just a little too much to hide
  Maybe baby
  You should’a read my lawn sign
  Please read the letter
  I nailed it to my yard
  It’s crazy how I assumed that you
  were the reason the plants were marred
  
  Too late, too late
  A fool could read the signs
  Whoever heard
  A thief leaving melon rinds?
  Please read the letter,
  I wrote it to a thief
  not knowing it was wildlife
  gnawing my plant leaf
  
  Please read the letter that I wrote
  Please read the letter that I wrote
  
  Aug 28, 2008 at 10:53 am rating: +8
- #12.4 VocaPopula
  
  Nice!!!
  
  Aug 28, 2008 at 4:55 pm rating: 0
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#13 Mishee

See, these notes are the reason I keep all my plants in the closet with grow lights. Yea, my neighbors get a $300 electric bill each month, but the high schoolers love my plants and I make quite a living off of it…

Aug 27, 2008 at 5:40 pm rating: +21

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#14 0falcon8

what the fuck is a water mellan?

Aug 27, 2008 at 5:42 pm rating: +3

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- #14.1 B Rad
  
  It’s what Blind Mellan finally gets when it rains.
  
  Aug 28, 2008 at 12:12 pm rating: +5
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#15 mjb

The writer in the second note has it right. What good are the cops, mayor, and neighbors regarding stolen plants? A gun will do just nicely.

Aug 27, 2008 at 5:44 pm rating: +2

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- #15.1 Claire
  
  Ah…southern gun nuts! Which led to some confusion at the office water cooler when the news broke that Russia had invaded Georgia…one colleague muttered, “You think the Ruskies would invade a state that had sttricter gun control…”
  
  *Reaches into desk drawer for atlas and a lesson on world geography and international politics*
  
  Aug 28, 2008 at 7:48 pm rating: 0
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#16 HS

So you notified the mayor, did ya? Good for you. I’ll go alert the media. I’m sure there’s a reporter hungry for this kind of story.

Aug 27, 2008 at 6:09 pm rating: +9

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- #16.1 amazon
  
  I once interned in a congressman’s office. You’d be surprised what some people write/call in to their public officials about.
  
  “Dear Mister President: there are too many states nowadays. Please eliminate three. I am not a crackpot.”
  
  Aug 27, 2008 at 8:16 pm rating: +18
- #16.2 Holiday Djinn
  
  I have always thought there was room to combine states. Like North Dakota, and Texas. You would get North DaKotex. Then again, that might be just a bloody mess.
  
  How about Utah and Idaho. Udaho. Perhaps though i am just playing loose with these names?
  
  Aug 28, 2008 at 9:43 am rating: +10
- #16.3 unholyghost2003
  
  One of my favorite true stories from when I worked as the secretary for the person in the highest appointed position in my county. I got a voice mail from an elderly person saying “I have to dump. It is too big for the trash. Where should I go?” People tell the government anything and expect government to fix EVERYTHING.
  
  Aug 28, 2008 at 9:49 am rating: +1
- #16.4 Claire
  
  Or combine Alaska, New Mexico, and Idaho…Alsnewho…Al Gore would be so pleased….
  
  Hmmm…perhaps that would be geographically impossible…..
  
  Aug 28, 2008 at 7:50 pm rating: +1
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#17 katrina

that watermelon was fucking delicious….

Aug 27, 2008 at 6:12 pm rating: +6

reply to this comment
- #17.1 Mishee
  
  Katrina - you know what you have to do now…
  
  That was just WRONG! And deliberate too!
  
  Aug 27, 2008

painfully polite and hilariously hostile writings from shared spaces the world over

the right to bear fruit

August 27th, 2008 · 161 comments

161 responses so far ↓