Three U.S. cities where nature-lovers might want to keep their hands to themselves:
1. Austin, Texas
2. Macon, Georgia
![To the Fucktard who stole my watermellon [sic]: It was not even RIPE yet. But I'm sure you didn't notice when you were high on crack. Leave my fucking plants alone! —Proud owner of a .45 and a 38 special](http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3247/2747836840_d49a3453d3.jpg "To the Fucktard who stole my watermellon [sic]: It was not even RIPE yet. But I'm sure you didn't notice when you were high on crack. Leave my fucking plants alone! —Proud owner of a .45 and a 38 special")
3. Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania
(Thanks to Don in Austin, Elizabeth in Macon, and Jasmine in Pittsburgh for risking the wrath of some devoted gardening/second amendment enthusiasts to document these warnings.)
related: No “questions” asked
172 responses so far ↓
#1
Goldie
The deflorators in the third note are probably rabbits and deer. Hate to break it to the note author, but they can’t read.
To the first two – I heard it is more fun when you share your plants, y’know, form a circle, pass them around.
Aug 27, 2008 at 5:20 pm rating: 36
#2
Timo
Mayor Adam West is on the scene! They had better watch out he will make them pay.
*Boff!* *KaPoow!* *Ooooof!*
Aug 27, 2008 at 5:23 pm rating: 18
#3
Wade
Maybe Candy likes watermelon with her brown sugar.
Aug 27, 2008 at 5:24 pm rating: 6
#4
Jeannette E. Spaghetti
Ha Ha. Fucktard.
Aug 27, 2008 at 5:25 pm rating: 4
#5
Wade
I hope the plants mentioned in note two are practicing prudent pollination.
Aug 27, 2008 at 5:27 pm rating: 8
#6
RunBarbara
stealing watermelon?
high on crack?
what a racist. i know what they are implying.
Aug 27, 2008 at 5:28 pm rating: 85
#7
Timo
I bet those fucktards stole the watermelon and then rang the buzzer waking up their precious Wunderkind!
Aug 27, 2008 at 5:28 pm rating: 2
#8
Canthz_B
I’ve always thought of gardeners as such peaceful people. This willingness to take up arms comes as a shock.
Aug 27, 2008 at 5:32 pm rating: 7
#9
toddspal
Watermelons: Serious Business
Who is the person on this earth who would SHOOT ANOTHER HUMAN BEING for the want of a watermelon?
Aug 27, 2008 at 5:33 pm rating: 9
#10
0falcon8
To the Ass-Hat who keeps stealing my pot plants:
Dude…., not cool
Aug 27, 2008 at 5:34 pm rating: 30
#11
RunBarbara
i dont grow watermelons, but i do have some nice half-dead succulents in rotting pots on my door step. i wouldnt hesitate to shoot someone in the face with a cross bow for touching them. you have to make a stand. today its a plant, tomorrow its your mail then its your cat.
Aug 27, 2008 at 5:35 pm rating: 40
#12
amy d
I’m confused. What does having a .38 Special hit on a 45 have to do with anything?
Aug 27, 2008 at 5:38 pm rating: 8
#13
Mishee
See, these notes are the reason I keep all my plants in the closet with grow lights. Yea, my neighbors get a $300 electric bill each month, but the high schoolers love my plants and I make quite a living off of it…
Aug 27, 2008 at 5:40 pm rating: 24
#14
0falcon8
what the fuck is a water mellan?
Aug 27, 2008 at 5:42 pm rating: 3
#15
mjb
The writer in the second note has it right. What good are the cops, mayor, and neighbors regarding stolen plants? A gun will do just nicely.
Aug 27, 2008 at 5:44 pm rating: 2
#16
HS
So you notified the mayor, did ya? Good for you. I’ll go alert the media. I’m sure there’s a reporter hungry for this kind of story.
Aug 27, 2008 at 6:09 pm rating: 11
#17
katrina
that watermelon was fucking delicious….
Aug 27, 2008 at 6:12 pm rating: 6
#18
glastonberry
crazy capitals batman:
“WATCHING for any more Flower destruction and Theft”
Which begets the response:
“YoU Are? OK I’ll bE rigHt oVEr aNd stOMp on yOur FUcking dAiSIes!”
Aug 27, 2008 at 6:19 pm rating: 17
#19
punkypower
I bet these signs were written by the Mr. McGregor from The Tale of Peter Rabbit. If the thieves aren’t careful, they might have an “accident” and then Mrs. McGregor will put them in a pie.
Aug 27, 2008 at 6:20 pm rating: 5
#20
Jody
I can empathize with the hostility and frustration because I spend literally thousands of dollars, and hundreds of hours gardening too, on my nine…count ‘em, nine…flower gardens, each year.
But mostly, I just like the “fucktard” bit.
Aug 27, 2008 at 6:26 pm rating: 1
#21
katrina
*makes careful note to self*
k…..tis like flossing teeth….you want back and forth, NOT up and down with the unitard, right?
Aug 27, 2008 at 6:34 pm rating: 2
#22
SchrodingersDuck
The capitalization of The Police suggests that it is in fact the famous rock group who are standing guard watching the garden.
Does that make it a… STING operation? (groan)
Aug 27, 2008 at 6:41 pm rating: 35
#23
Stitchin-Liz
Can you imagine what that poor secretary who answered the phone at the mayor’s office had to listen to?
“Someone has ruined and stolen my plants! I want the mayor to call the national guard to come patrol my garden! My husband is a power in local authority circles and he won’t stand for this!”
Aug 27, 2008 at 6:44 pm rating: 3
#24
Eric B.
You bastard! That watermelon wasn’t even ripe yet! It still hadn’t tasted the joys of first love! It was in the full flower of youth and you violated it! I hope that crack was fucking delicious, you asshole!
Aug 27, 2008 at 6:56 pm rating: 6
#25
Woman on the Verge
To the Fucktard who can’t spell watermelon:
Where can I buy ‘fucking plants’ anyway? There has to be fortune in those suckers.
Aug 27, 2008 at 6:56 pm rating: 19
#26
claw71
Neighbors are only useful if you can count on them and you can’t count on them if the hate you. Mine can’t stand me. They wouldn’t piss on me if if I was on fire. They didn’t the last time.
Maybe I shouldn’t have banged Mike’s daughter when he was in Chicago and I suppose stealing the copper tubing out of Ted and Nancy’s place was a bit rude but I thought they were staying in Colorado Springs for another week. As soon as I could triple that money at the track I was going to put it back. Assholes.
Then you have Pete and Cindy who haven’t looked me in the eye since they caught me shitting in their mums. I’d locked myself out of the house and I thought they would bloom longer. I had to crap so why not do them a solid…or in that case a semi-solid. I was trying to be a stand up guy.
I’m not a bad neighbor. I made a few mistakes. We had that explosion in the meth lab out back last year and the block was evacuated but accidents happen, and I probably shouldn’t buy girl scout cookies in the nude but that’s how I roll. She’s knocking on my door, right?
It just isn’t fair.
Aug 27, 2008 at 7:39 pm rating: 33
#27
Wade
“Some are ex-military and not afraid to chase after you and shoot”
Sounds like Blackwater got another no-bid contract.
Aug 27, 2008 at 7:40 pm rating: 16
#28
aaa
Because I’m so sure that the mayor of Pittsburgh gives a flying fuck about your flowers.
Aug 27, 2008 at 7:45 pm rating: 1
#29
aaa
Seriously, kids, if you can affort plants, you can probably afford a lower-end surveillance camera. Or, if you want to go the free route, you can always do a late-night stakeout with your ex-military neighbors and your 38 special.
Aug 27, 2008 at 7:48 pm rating: 0
#30
Canthz_B
There must be a huge demand for black-market hostas.
Aug 27, 2008 at 8:28 pm rating: 1
#31
some dude
I had to crap so why not do them a solid…or in that case a semi-solid. hilarious
Aug 27, 2008 at 8:30 pm rating: 0
#32
Lisa
My neighbor actually called the police one time because someone had taken her indoor plant that she had placed outside near the garbage can (I live in a condo). I felt bad for the poor police officer who had to appease her by going door to door asking if anyone knew who had taken the plant. It turns out that a neighbor a couple of doors down had taken it because she thought someone had thrown it out (it was near the garbage can afterall). Who knew people were so attached to their plants!
Aug 27, 2008 at 8:40 pm rating: 4
#33
Crash
Note #3 is wrapped in plastic for preservation.
It’s being held as evidence at a murder scene…
Aug 27, 2008 at 9:19 pm rating: 8
#34
Melanie
So, I watched this documentary on the Shakers yesterday and apparently, when people started stealing their crops, they would plant extra. Extra for the wildlife, too. But it makes me wonder, do the thieves and wildlife know how much is their share and how much they should leave behind?
My entire tomato crop was stolen by squirrels this year. They TEWTALLY ignored the signs I left for them. Jerks.
Aug 27, 2008 at 9:53 pm rating: 8
#35
snee
since i have a brown thumb, i leave half-dead plants out, hoping someone will steal them, give them a better home….
Aug 27, 2008 at 10:28 pm rating: 3
#36
Canthz_B
Dear Warning You,
Stealing plants is my second job!
Aug 27, 2008 at 10:49 pm rating: 17
#37
snee
with all the capital letters, underlining, invoking of politicians, and threats of gun violence, you’d think these gardens were growing potent cash crops instead of watermellans and flowers.
Aug 28, 2008 at 12:30 am rating: 1
#38
Canthz_B
If the ex-military neighbors camouflage themselves for the stakeout, won’t they ruin the foliage they are supposed to be protecting?
Aug 28, 2008 at 1:05 am rating: 1
#39
MB
Your missing for today? Try and slip the word fucktard into a conversation
Aug 28, 2008 at 1:53 am rating: 0
#40
MB
Your mission for today? Try and slip the word fucktard into a conversation
Aug 28, 2008 at 1:54 am rating: 0
#41
Xtroll
While I refuse to wear a unitard, I will wear a fucktard.
Aug 28, 2008 at 5:25 am rating: 10
#42
Red Letterboxer
If He really wants to keep people out of the Garden, maybe He should post an angel with a fiery sword at the entrance… oh wait, wrong garden. My bad.
Aug 28, 2008 at 8:38 am rating: 2
#43
Holiday Djinn
I thought when he mentioned .38 special he meant the really crappy Southern Rock band. The warning is evident. I love shooting people who steal out of my melon patch second only to crappy southern fried rock music.
Aug 28, 2008 at 9:30 am rating: 0
#44
Krystolla
Real gardeners don’t use guns.
Real gardeners use edged weapons, poisons and electric fences.
After the groundhog wars, keeping out Candy-the-brown-sugar-addict is easy.
Aug 28, 2008 at 9:36 am rating: 0
#45
sprut
I like the last one with the plastic bag around it that makes it waterproof.
haha
Aug 28, 2008 at 9:39 am rating: 1
#46
Woman on the Verge
NAFU (National Association of Fucktards United) is formally issuing this statement: We may be fucktards, but we can spell watermelon… and for the record, we appreciate your informing us of the state of your “mellan” and hereby vow to only steal ripe fruit in the future.
Aug 28, 2008 at 10:57 am rating: 2
#47
octavius
Last summer I caught someone stealing plums from one of my trees, at the same time her dog was taking a dump on my lawn. Shooting is too good for such abominations. An extended tasering session would be better, although forcing the thief to eat an entire unripe watermellon ( as an alternative to having it rammed up his rectum ) would also be satisfactory.
That said, these gardens don’t exactly look like earthly paradises, in fact the first one needs only a rusting Plymouth to complete its post apocalyptic ambience.
Aug 28, 2008 at 11:04 am rating: 0
#48
thirty six red
Perhaps fecal laden punji sticks would be appropriate.
Aug 28, 2008 at 12:20 pm rating: 0
#49
Lurker
I can afford plants without a second job; I just can’t be arsed to drive all the way to Lowe’s. I mean, they built it out there on the state highway with all the new big-box stores, and the traffic is a bitch, I’ll tell you that for free. Your plants are just so much more convenient. I’d be happy to pay for them, but there’s never anyone at the register in your yard. You just can’t get good customer service these days, not even in the neighborhood Mom & Pop places.
Aug 28, 2008 at 1:07 pm rating: 4
#50
MissD
I had someone steal a little stone Buddah out of one of my planter out front. That can’t be cosmically good…
Aug 28, 2008 at 2:12 pm rating: 0
#51
Mishee
Everybody knows its those damn garden gnomes… they are disgruntled and yearn to be FREE….
http://www.freethegnomes.com/
Aug 28, 2008 at 3:02 pm rating: 0
#52
thirty six red
Once again the quintessence of the notes are intolerant oppressive AND discriminatroy.
Aug 28, 2008 at 3:41 pm rating: 0
#53
sallahdog
I am completely with the sign writers. I used to live in a neighborhood where my prize roses seemed to mysteriously get cut (usually wrong and screwing up the next cycle of bloom), usually on Friday night. We moved and my roses are now behind a tall fence with a Doberman as their companion…
I have had many a fantasy about spiked barbs flying out of the garden at rose snatching varmits… sigh.. I go right over passive agressive, right to agressive..
Aug 28, 2008 at 6:53 pm rating: 0
#54
Claire
First there was the Garden of Eden…now meet the Garden of Mass Destruction…Who knew Mr. McGregor would become such an Old School insurgent?
Aug 28, 2008 at 8:06 pm rating: 0
#55
Numinous
U CANT HAZ WATER MELLEN
Aug 29, 2008 at 9:30 am rating: 3
#56
ansco
Hey if you think that is racist, maybe you are the one that is racist.
Sep 1, 2008 at 8:03 pm rating: 0
#57
Marinka
How do you tell when the watermelon is ripe? Just wondering. Also, what’s with all the crack-bashing?
Sep 3, 2008 at 7:51 am rating: 0
#58
katie
wow. stealing plants. sad.
The indian family next door to my boyfriend does that. Maybe there’s a culture barrier but his dad caught the grandma picking flowers from their garden told her to stop or he’d hose her down she said “oh just one more” and stole another. They also noticed that their apple tree had been raided (you have to climb a fence).
I just don’t get people.
Sep 5, 2008 at 4:12 pm rating: 0
#59
tim
I hate people who fuck with other’s gardens. Srsly, tis not cool.
I think anyone who does that should have someone load about a ton of earth into their living room, see how they like someone fucking up their space.
Grr.
Oh but plants don’t feel right? Sigh.
(doesn’t have a garden but my partner does; the other people in the house think it’s cool to remove/destroy perfectly happy plants that are not in the way because they obviously think a garden grows itself; or would prefer concrete!)
Sep 9, 2008 at 5:57 am rating: 0
#60
mattresses
just when i thought i saw it all, a watermelon thief now emerges
Sep 29, 2008 at 5:37 pm rating: 0
#61
Indigo
Ah, Georgia, how I want to get away from you.
Jan 16, 2009 at 10:35 am rating: 0
#62
Michelle
“I’m sure you wouldn’t have noticed when you were HIGH ON CRACK”
I love how it’s assumed someone who stole a watermelon was a crack addict.
Feb 12, 2009 at 6:16 am rating: 0
#63
Claire
Dear Rich White People With Too Much Money, Time, and Firearms on Their Hands :
Fuck You.
Feb 17, 2009 at 4:18 pm rating: 0
#64 gone country
[...] related: the right to bear fruit [...]
Sep 25, 2009 at 3:01 am rating: 0
#65
kevin
evidently some landscaping companies will steal flowerbeds of freshly planted flowers and then sell them to clients… i had no idea until the flowerbeds at our store kept getting stolen in the middle of the night. people are pretty lame sometimes.
Sep 26, 2009 at 11:42 pm rating: 0
#66 Kiss your mother with that mouth?
[...] related: the right to bear fruit [...]
Nov 12, 2009 at 11:06 pm rating: 0
#67 Arboreal abuse | PassiveAggressiveNotes.com — funny (if not necessarily "passive-aggressive") notes from pissed-off people
[...] The right to bear fruit [...]
Jun 3, 2010 at 9:52 pm rating: 0
#68 Totally fried green tomatoes | PassiveAggressiveNotes.com
[...] related: the right to bear fruit[...]
Jun 13, 2010 at 2:27 pm rating: 0
#69 “Testosterone-fueled wackjobs make the darndest threats!” | PassiveAggressiveNotes.com
[...] The right to bear fruit [...]
Jul 27, 2010 at 11:12 pm rating: 0
#70 The Orchid (and Daffodil and Begonia) Thief | PassiveAggressiveNotes.com
[...] related: Three cities where nature-lovers might want to keep their hands to themselves [...]
Apr 19, 2011 at 11:14 pm rating: 0
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