The PANtheistic approach

September 7th, 2008 · 86 comments

At Yale Divinity School, the daily chapel service is followed by a coffee hour. Apparently, says Sara in New Haven, “Some who skip chapel were helping themselves to the goodies before the intended time. Looks like the ‘keeper of the snacks’ has something to say about this.”

if you take anything from here...I KNOW ABOUT IT. (because i am everywhere) -the holy spirit

don't make me pull out my lightning bolts. sincerely, god (zeus version)

Meanwhile, John in Sudbury, Massachusetts spotted this humble plea outside the local Catholic church.

Please return traffic cones -God

related: So much for turning the other cheek

FILED UNDER: food · God · guilt trip · Massachusetts · New Haven


86 responses so far ↓

  • #1   Quite Contrary bang

    The Holy Spirit. Al Gore. I get them mixed up all the time.

    Sep 7, 2008 at 10:56 am   rating: 9  small thumbs up

    • #1.1   bean

      Al Gore would definitely have not used styrofoam plates. There’s the difference.

      Sep 7, 2008 at 4:04 pm   rating: 18  small thumbs up

       
    • #1.2   plastic not styrofoam

      Those plates are plastic not styrofoam. Ok, maybe not totally reusable… Oh wait– they were. At all the subsequent coffee hours.

      Sep 7, 2008 at 4:49 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #1.3   Canthz_B bang

      Polyethylene is so much better than Polystyrene.

      Sep 7, 2008 at 5:03 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #1.4   biteme

      please don’t make me throw up in my mouth!

      Sep 27, 2009 at 8:22 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #1.5   biteme

      this is the post I meant to reply to by saying : Please don’t make me throw up in my mouth!

      Sep 27, 2009 at 8:24 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #2   HairySwede

    Oh God… the Creator of passive-aggresiveness. And clearly a fan of His own work.

    Sep 7, 2008 at 11:09 am   rating: 15  small thumbs up

     
  • #3   Mishee bang

    God is so full of Himself!

    Sep 7, 2008 at 11:15 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #3.1   LS77

      Don’t make me walk on water and freak you out!

      Sep 7, 2008 at 3:22 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #4   gwennie

    OMFG! God’s multiple personality disorder has advanced even further.
    I mean, “Zeus version”? Hello?? Aren’t Jesus and the Holy Spirit enough?

    Sep 7, 2008 at 11:17 am   rating: 15  small thumbs up

    • #4.1   Canthz_B bang

      Jupiter has filed a discrimination suit.

      Sep 7, 2008 at 5:38 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #4.2   Miss Unloop bang

      God and Zeus are both suing for defamation of character as well.

      Sep 7, 2008 at 6:01 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #4.3   jackie31337 bang

      Wow, that note writer has been picking up my brainwaves again *adjusts tinfoil hat*. If anyone is curious, I would be happy to share my object-oriented views on religion. Although I maintain “Zeus instance” would be more correct than “Zeus version”.

      Sep 8, 2008 at 2:27 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #5   Mishee bang

    I’m thinking the Zeus reference would be considered blasphemy…

    But that’s just me… In my opinion there is only one Holy and Almighty God…

    and His name is Claw.

    Sep 7, 2008 at 11:20 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

    • #5.1   Numinous bang

      … and he wields his mighty albino python.

      Sep 7, 2008 at 2:07 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #5.2   bean

      I don’t know if the Zeus reference is blasphemy, but I think since he was the only deity whose name was actually capitalized that would be blasphemous.

      Sep 7, 2008 at 4:03 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #5.3   Canthz_B bang

      I thing the reference to Zeus is more heresy, no?

      Sep 7, 2008 at 4:28 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #5.4   Canthz_B bang

      “I thing…”?

      D’OH!!!

      “I think…”

      Sep 7, 2008 at 4:42 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #5.5   kmd

      Nothing is blasphemous at Yale Divinity School. Trust me.

      Sep 7, 2008 at 4:58 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #6   momentaryennui bang

    when i first read the second note i thought it read,
    “don’t make me pull out my lightning balls.”

    i’m not really all that familiar with the bible or anything, but whoa, it made realize what all the fuss about the “Tha Passion of the Christ” might have been about. i get it now.

    Sep 7, 2008 at 11:30 am   rating: 28  small thumbs up

    • #6.1   Mishee bang

      Lightning Balls are a product of Pete Schwetty’s sister who married a man named Greg Lightning…

      It wouldn’t be Christmas without Schwetty Balls and Lightning Balls…

      Sep 7, 2008 at 11:35 am   rating: 10  small thumbs up

       
    • #6.2   Miss Unloop bang

      Mmmmm… good times. Yes.

      Sep 7, 2008 at 8:47 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #6.3   Stephanie

      It’s Zeus God! Getting his lightning balls out is pretty much what he does.

      When not turning into a swan, bull, shower of gold, tree… in order to rape young women.
      So the message The Keeper Of The Snacks wants to convey is – Eat my snacks, get impregnated with godly babies? Ew!

      Sep 7, 2008 at 9:20 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #6.4   Canthz_B bang

      God doesn’t pullout His balls for mere mortals. He prefers Immaculate Conception over Ejaculate Conception…something about paternity suits and plausible disability.

      Sep 7, 2008 at 9:43 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #6.5   RandyinReno

      The golden shower is a kinky touch, even for Zeus.

      Sep 8, 2008 at 3:45 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #6.6   biteme

      I don’t think you do (get what all the fuss was about)

      Sep 27, 2009 at 8:26 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #7   Ourhero

    From stone tablets, to styrofoam plates…

    You can tell it is really from god(s), from the
    “don’t make me put my foot in your ass”
    tone of the message.

    Sep 7, 2008 at 11:49 am   rating: 7  small thumbs up

     
  • #8   Ti O

    Many Schnacky cake thieves know what it was to be roasted in the depths of the Slor.

    - Gozer

    Sep 7, 2008 at 12:47 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

     
  • #9   SchrodingersDuck

    I think Zeus’s problem is that he’s all too willing to “pull out his lightning bolt” – just ask Leda, Mnemosyne and Themis.

    Sep 7, 2008 at 1:03 pm   rating: 26  small thumbs up

     
  • #10   se

    So, did the traffic cones walk away? woudn’t that be a miracle? So this person who put up that second sign is trying to thwart the will of god?

    Sep 7, 2008 at 1:05 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #10.1   secondsout bang

      If it were really God, couldn’t he just miracle up some new traffic cones? I mean, he’s God, right?

      Sep 7, 2008 at 2:20 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #11   fantasy bang

    Dear God,
    Please, in the future will you not use the styrofoam plates? We all have to do our part in keeping the planet as pristine and beautiful as when you created it. “Think Green” is the new “11th Comandment.”
    Thanks and Amen
    ……beautiful,pristine? oops, too late.

    Sep 7, 2008 at 1:06 pm   rating: 21  small thumbs up

     
  • #12   Mishee bang

    This is why I don’t listen to ANYTHING God tells me to do…

    http://www.firstcoastnews.com/life/entertainment/news-article.aspx?storyid=118226

    Sep 7, 2008 at 1:15 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #12.1   Sue Do Nim

      “He thought the message would be a loving way to remind teenagers that the Bible denounces homosexuality. ”

      Yeah. Liking a kiss=going to hell. That’s loving, alright.

      Sep 7, 2008 at 1:27 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #12.2   secondsout bang

      To quote George Carlin, “why is it that crazy people who think they hear God, he always tells someone to kill somebody. Doesn’t that voice ever say, ‘Go take a shit on the salad bar at Wendy’s?’”

      Sep 7, 2008 at 2:35 pm   rating: 13  small thumbs up

       
    • #12.3   kmd

      That version of God is entirely incompatible with the version of God at the school in question.

      Sep 7, 2008 at 4:59 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #13   Canthz_B bang

    Charity begins at home, not at this chapel.

    Sep 7, 2008 at 1:42 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

     
  • #14   Canthz_B bang

    God’s act has lost something over the years. Now he uses a Sharpee instead of the much more impressive Burning Bush!

    Sep 7, 2008 at 1:45 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

    • #14.1   secondsout bang

      Now it’s just RB’s mom who has the burning bush.

      Sep 7, 2008 at 2:22 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #14.2   Miss Unloop bang

      Crikey, just what is she using those traffic cones for anyway?

      Sep 7, 2008 at 5:55 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #15   Canthz_B bang

    Following the directions of a heretic is a sin, therefore, I’ll take whatever I like!

    Sep 7, 2008 at 1:50 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #16   Canthz_B bang

    Thou shalt not steal—my traffic cones.

    –GOD

    Sep 7, 2008 at 1:54 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

     
  • #17   secondsout bang

    The holy spirit is everywhere? Even in that pile of dog shit on my back patio?

    Sep 7, 2008 at 2:23 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #18   secondsout bang

    Did you really have to explain to the Yale divinity school students that the Holy Spirit is supposedly everywhere?

    Sep 7, 2008 at 2:30 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

    • #18.1   anglophile bang

      Well, it’s not like it’s Harvard divinity school….

      Sep 7, 2008 at 2:53 pm   rating: 18  small thumbs up

       
    • #18.2   heyanglophile

      Right, Harvard Divinity School doesN’T have a daily chapel service with a coffee afterwards for students & faculty to hang out together

      Sep 7, 2008 at 4:45 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #18.3   Canthz_B bang

      Ya kinda missed the poiNT, heyanglophile. ;-)

      Sep 7, 2008 at 4:55 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #18.4   RandyinReno

      The Holy Spirit is actually everywhere BUT the Harvard Divinity School.

      Sep 8, 2008 at 3:53 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #19   fantasy bang

    We need them traffic cones to direct you damn sinners to confession! We get quite a crowd on Saturday mornings, askin’ forgiveness for all them Friday nights! Drinkin’ and fornicatin’,molesting all the little children, my God get in line.

    ……. “Priests to the right, everyone else go to the confessional to the left.”

    Sep 7, 2008 at 2:32 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

     
  • #20   Stringyhair

    Dear God,

    Thanks for the donut. That was delish and without you it wouldn’t be so. You are so God-like.

    Amen

    Sep 7, 2008 at 2:35 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

     
  • #21   agirlie

    Dear God-

    Please water your lawn.

    –The neighborhood

    Sep 7, 2008 at 2:36 pm   rating: 16  small thumbs up

     
  • #22   Toopillow

    Dear god, the holy spirit, and others affiliated with omnipotence and omnipresence,

    please stop looking at me when I take a shower, you prevert.

    Sep 7, 2008 at 2:58 pm   rating: 21  small thumbs up

     
  • #23   Canthz_B bang

    The Holy Spirit had better not be within 180 feet of me.
    I have gotten a restraining order!

    Sep 7, 2008 at 3:07 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

     
  • #24   LS77

    Dear Gawd,

    You are so nosy! Can’t you wait until I visit you on Sunday?

    Sep 7, 2008 at 3:26 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

    • #24.1   kmd

      Ok this made me smile.

      Sep 7, 2008 at 5:00 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #25   Abe Froman

    I guess all those years of preists molesting little boys has finally affected both god’s and the holy spirit’s ego, since they no longer capitalize their names.

    Sep 7, 2008 at 3:36 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

     
  • #26   Wade bang

    Their mistake was putting Bartleby and Loki in charge of the after-chapel snacks.

    Sep 7, 2008 at 3:52 pm   rating: 20  small thumbs up

     
  • #27   bean

    God,

    If you are so almighty and omniscient, go find your traffic cones.

    Sep 7, 2008 at 4:01 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

    • #27.1   secondsout bang

      He probably turned the thief into a pillar of salt, then realized that the dude couldn’t bring back the cones after that was done.

      Sep 7, 2008 at 4:44 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #28   Sabrina

    I wonder if God had realized yet that his name is being forged….

    Sep 7, 2008 at 4:05 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #28.1   Canthz_B bang

      He’s cool with it, as long as they never get His Yahoo! password!

      Sep 7, 2008 at 4:45 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #29   fantasy bang

    I thought God put everything on this earth that is good, it shall be food he said, he didn’t say “No snack or muffins?”

    “So who is the smartass who thinks he’s God!”

    Sep 7, 2008 at 4:43 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #30   fantasy bang

    God said to eat of everything in the Garden except from the one tree.

    I figure since Eve already did the god awful,it is every man for himself.

    What’s done is done!

    Sep 7, 2008 at 4:47 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #31   amazon bang

    Hostess donuts? Prepacked muffins and bagels? God’s kind of a cheapskate…

    Sep 7, 2008 at 4:49 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #31.1   kmd

      God used to supply Dunkin Donuts at the YDS coffee hour. But then there was much sturm und drang about how much those cost, and how many scholarships could be funded with that money etc etc. So … cheaper snacks.

      Sep 7, 2008 at 5:02 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #31.2   Canthz_B bang

      It still beats a Communion wafer!

      Sep 7, 2008 at 5:19 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #31.3   Miss Unloop bang

      I imagine the plates on which the notes were written probably taste a lot like a Communion wafer…

      Sep 7, 2008 at 6:53 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #31.4   Quite Contrary bang

      The plates actually taste better.

      Sep 7, 2008 at 7:03 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #32   aaa

    The Holy Spirit’s everywhere? So it’s watching me when I pee? The Holy Spirit’s a pervert.

    Sep 7, 2008 at 5:38 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #33   Miss Unloop bang

    Couldn’t God reach more people through his Facebook?

    12:47 am God is looking for the fucktard who keeps stealing the coffee goodies.

    1:12 am God is pissed and wants the traffic cones returned ASAP.

    2:20 am God is packing the Holy Spirit’s stuff and putting it in the Most Holy and Divine garage. Sick of the lying, cheating, and mythological blasphemy.

    Sep 7, 2008 at 5:53 pm   rating: 26  small thumbs up

    • #33.1   Toopillow

      HA! Now I’m wondering if someone has tried to do that on Facebook. If not, I think you have a very clever idea. Could get you about 13 minutes of fame if you do it right.

      Sep 8, 2008 at 5:45 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #34   Luv This site

    I thought they were kinda cute. I especially liked the “Zeus version” bit – clever!

    Sep 7, 2008 at 6:36 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #35   Miss Unloop bang

    What the note writer doesn’t realize is that Zeus himself, under the guise of a chapel-skivving Yale Divinity student, ate the delicious and economical Hostess yummies.

    Sep 7, 2008 at 6:57 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #36   Amy

    See, these don’t strike me as true PANs because they’re deliberately funny. Funny is good.

    But maybe I’m just biased because I’m a minister.

    Sep 7, 2008 at 7:04 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #36.1   Canthz_B bang

      Then you know all about using the Lord’s name in vain as in the sign in front of the church?

      Funny, huh? ;-)

      Sep 7, 2008 at 9:14 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #36.2   aaa

      Of course you’re biased. You’re in league with the Holy Spirit and the Zeusy god and you’re not going to nark on your superiors. The Holy Spirit’s watching your every move and the second you show any signs of subversion it’s going to report back to Zeus-God, who, of course, will smite you with his lightning bolts. (Or lightning balls. Whichever has more smiting power.)

      Sep 7, 2008 at 9:18 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #36.3   aaa

      P.S.
      http://www.passiveaggressivenotes.com/wtf

      “as dr. scott wetzler, a clinical psychologist and the author of living with the passive-aggressive man, observed: ‘a joke can be the most skillful passive-aggressive act there is.’”

      :D

      Sep 7, 2008 at 9:20 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #36.4   Amy

      Well, I’m a Unitarian Universalist, so anything making fun of the Zeus-y god is okay by me. And I love to see Catholics taking the Lord’s name in vain. Makes me feel we’re all really brethren/sistren under the skin. Or cassock, I was going to write, but I don’t really want to think about what’s under anyone’s cassock.

      OK, so why do I find the traffic-cone sign funny while finding the “Would Jesus steal someone else’s strawberry jam”-note-on-the-fridge routine infuriatingly p-a? Analyze that, someone.

      Sep 8, 2008 at 12:48 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #36.5   VentureSister

      Well, I have too much time on my hands so I’ll give it a go.

      I feel as though the traffic cones request is a sincere plea. They just want the cones back and that’s it.

      However, I feel that the WWJD notes have WAY more P.A. subtext going on. Basically the note writer is condeming you and also suggesting that THEY would never do something against the will of the Lord and are therefore better than you. It’s just kind of inherently P.A., like you’re a small child who needs reminding.

      Maybe I’m biased. That kind of faux-pious shenanigan really ticks me off.

      Sep 8, 2008 at 4:39 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #36.6   Amy

      Yeah, I think that’s it. The WWJD seems pious and the cones refreshingly irreverent.

      Sep 9, 2008 at 12:35 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #37   K.

    The church sign makes me wish I got a photo of a local church’s sign one weekend:
    “Every computer has a cursor
    Welcome back, pastor!”

    Sep 7, 2008 at 10:48 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #38   JoelWhy

    I used to live near a church that had a sign reading “No parking: Violators will be Baptized”.

    Sep 9, 2008 at 7:28 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

     
  • #39   kate

    OMG! I was in Sudbury ages ago and I SAW THAT SIGN! I thought it was SO funny!

    Apr 21, 2009 at 9:53 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #40   so much for that whole fasting thing…

    [...] related: the PANtheistic approach [...]

    Sep 27, 2009 at 8:02 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #41   No donuts for you! | PassiveAggressiveNotes.com

    [...] The PANtheistic approach [...]

    Jun 19, 2010 at 5:57 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #42   Sage

    Those…..traffic cones…..were….fuckin…….delicious!!!

    Dec 19, 2010 at 1:47 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     

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