i recently returned from a few days in san antonio, texas, where my friend matt and i amused ourselves on the riverwalk with a competition to find the tackiest souvenir possible in each store within three minutes or less. (my first win: a “pooping armadillo” keychain.) when we entered this fine establishment, however, i had to call a time-out.
i didn’t even get a chance to take photos of all the signs at this one store — including some amazing ones taped to the register — before i started getting the stink-eye from the manager. (i generally try to stay out of trouble in states that allow their teachers to come to class armed.) i’m telling you, alamo, schmalamo: this store was the highlight of my trip.
related: tourist traps have the best signs
extra credit: fanny pack antics
140 responses so far ↓
#1
snee
damn. i reeeeeeally wanted to touch that dead, stuffed, boozy armadillo.
Sep 8, 2008 at 9:12 pm rating: +20
#2
anglophile
Pink guns? What, now even fake instruments of death have to support the cure for breast cancer?
Sep 8, 2008 at 9:18 pm rating: +28
#3
Quite Contrary
Please do not play with the guns?
As in, the guns are in an unlocked file cabinet with a sign saying GUNS on it and you think people are going to see a sign that says please don’t play with the guns and that will stop them?
I really don’t get Texas.
Sep 8, 2008 at 9:24 pm rating: +5
#4
anglophile
To be fair, they obviously have a lot of capital tied up in their quality merchandise. Take those “silver” crosses. Imagine if you damaged one of those. Why, I bet it would cost the store owner, what, 17 cents?
Sep 8, 2008 at 9:25 pm rating: +10
#5
Quite Contrary
“It’s nice to touch and hold but if it’s broken, consider it sold.”
- Sarah Palin regarding Bristol
Sep 8, 2008 at 9:25 pm rating: +65
#6
Miss Unloop
“Items are fragile.” Shouldn’t the sign then logically read “You buy, you break”?
BTW, lurve the exclamation points with hearts at the bottom! Nothing says “souvenir toy gun from Texas” like a punctuation mark with a heart!
Sep 8, 2008 at 9:42 pm rating: +20
#7
Canthz_B
The management sets a poor example for the customers by playing with the toy guns.
Sep 8, 2008 at 9:46 pm rating: 0
#8
Canthz_B
Texans Against Gun-play is a fringe party at best.
Sep 8, 2008 at 9:47 pm rating: +5
#9
Canthz_B
I wonder if the Lock and Barrel rooms are still open?
Sep 8, 2008 at 9:49 pm rating: +17
#10
raiseyourglass
If they just lined the floor with bubble wrap they wouldn’t have anything to worry about. HEY!! I got an idea just put a sign up on the door that says “UPON ENTRY KEEP HANDS IN POCKETS- ANYONE CAUGHT BREAKING THE RULES WILL BE SHOT!
Sep 8, 2008 at 9:59 pm rating: +14
#11
ofalcon8
please do not touch, hold ,squeeze ,fondle, caress, handle, juggle, molest, poke, prod, lick, graze, or look at anything; and if you break, shatter, chip, crack, scuff, tear, splinter, warp, rip, gouge, dent, bruise, bend, soil and/or stain something, you will be liable, held responsible, at fault, on the hook, under the gun, behind the 8-ball, up the river, held accountable, beholden to, and suffer the consequences
thank you!
Sep 8, 2008 at 10:08 pm rating: +29
#12
BoggyWoggy
Wow. It’s been months since I read this site.
You know all of that crap on the shelves for sale? Yeah.
It was made in China.
Break it. Break, laugh, and run.
Bwah-ha-ha-ha
Sep 8, 2008 at 10:19 pm rating: 0
#13
bean
Please do not play with the toy guns
Then why the hell would I buy it? Who wants a toy you can’t play with?
Sep 8, 2008 at 10:26 pm rating: +15
#14
ofalcon8
they basically could have saved a ton of time and paper by just putting one big sign over the door as you come in:
Hey, Shithead……Get the fuck out of our store!!!!!!
thank you
Sep 8, 2008 at 10:36 pm rating: +39
#15
Andy Lester
I despair of signs “you break, you buy” signs that attempt poetry with no meter or foot. How hard is it to come up with
Lovely to look at
Delightful to hold
But if you break it
Consider it sold
It scans! It has flow! These would-be poets cramming together random numbers of syllables without regard to scansion are the bane of my existence. Also, backwards toilet paper, but that’s a different blog.
Sep 8, 2008 at 11:49 pm rating: +19
#16
Erika
I’d rather that a sign be posted if they’re that touchy about it. Once at a farmers’ market, I made the horrible mistake of picking up a peach in order to check if it was ripe. Quelle horreur! The seller immediately snapped at me and only then informed me that she was to select my peaches for me.
Sep 8, 2008 at 11:51 pm rating: +11
#17
Carl
Suprised you didn’t put those little signs into the ‘Disposable BS’ bags. They were practically begging for it.
Sep 8, 2008 at 11:52 pm rating: +15
#18
fantasy
I never shop in those gift shops, I always just bring everyone home those cute little bottles of shampoo and the little bars of soap that the Hotels give out.
At least no one is disappointed, what you see is what you get!
Sep 9, 2008 at 12:11 am rating: +3
#19
amazon
Maybe they’d make more profits if they didn’t waste all their money on rainbow colored sharpies.
Sep 9, 2008 at 12:30 am rating: +6
#20
Woman on the Verge
Did the sign on the door say this?
Do Not Enter! You will inevitably break, touch, and or otherwise commit an infraction of our strict cheap souvenir store rules so you may as well give up now and keep on walking… Oh, wait, enter away. We have to pay for this shit somehow and the only way we are going to sell it is if you break/touch/ breathe on it!
Sep 9, 2008 at 8:04 am rating: +7
#21
claw71
OK, I’ll go ahead and assume that the items are fragile but while we’re describing them shouldn’t we also mention that they are ugly, poorly constructred and racially offensive?
Sep 9, 2008 at 8:16 am rating: +19
#22
Mishee
My husband’s name is David Crockett…
I never tell him not to touch, and I guess he can break, ’cause he already bought….
Sep 9, 2008 at 8:43 am rating: +2