i recently returned from a few days in san antonio, texas, where my friend matt and i amused ourselves on the riverwalk with a competition to find the tackiest souvenir possible in each store within three minutes or less. (my first win: a “pooping armadillo” keychain.) when we entered this fine establishment, however, i had to call a time-out.
i didn’t even get a chance to take photos of all the signs at this one store — including some amazing ones taped to the register — before i started getting the stink-eye from the manager. (i generally try to stay out of trouble in states that allow their teachers to come to class armed.) i’m telling you, alamo, schmalamo: this store was the highlight of my trip.
related: tourist traps have the best signs
extra credit: fanny pack antics
144 responses so far ↓
#1
snee
damn. i reeeeeeally wanted to touch that dead, stuffed, boozy armadillo.
Sep 8, 2008 at 9:12 pm rating: +29
#2
anglophile
Pink guns? What, now even fake instruments of death have to support the cure for breast cancer?
Sep 8, 2008 at 9:18 pm rating: +33
#3
Quite Contrary
Please do not play with the guns?
As in, the guns are in an unlocked file cabinet with a sign saying GUNS on it and you think people are going to see a sign that says please don’t play with the guns and that will stop them?
I really don’t get Texas.
Sep 8, 2008 at 9:24 pm rating: +7
#4
anglophile
To be fair, they obviously have a lot of capital tied up in their quality merchandise. Take those “silver” crosses. Imagine if you damaged one of those. Why, I bet it would cost the store owner, what, 17 cents?
Sep 8, 2008 at 9:25 pm rating: +14
#5
Quite Contrary
“It’s nice to touch and hold but if it’s broken, consider it sold.”
- Sarah Palin regarding Bristol
Sep 8, 2008 at 9:25 pm rating: +68
#6
Miss Unloop
“Items are fragile.” Shouldn’t the sign then logically read “You buy, you break”?
BTW, lurve the exclamation points with hearts at the bottom! Nothing says “souvenir toy gun from Texas” like a punctuation mark with a heart!
Sep 8, 2008 at 9:42 pm rating: +22
#7
Canthz_B
The management sets a poor example for the customers by playing with the toy guns.
Sep 8, 2008 at 9:46 pm rating: 0
#8
Canthz_B
Texans Against Gun-play is a fringe party at best.
Sep 8, 2008 at 9:47 pm rating: +6
#9
Canthz_B
I wonder if the Lock and Barrel rooms are still open?
Sep 8, 2008 at 9:49 pm rating: +20
#10
raiseyourglass
If they just lined the floor with bubble wrap they wouldn’t have anything to worry about. HEY!! I got an idea just put a sign up on the door that says “UPON ENTRY KEEP HANDS IN POCKETS- ANYONE CAUGHT BREAKING THE RULES WILL BE SHOT!
Sep 8, 2008 at 9:59 pm rating: +16
#11
ofalcon8
please do not touch, hold ,squeeze ,fondle, caress, handle, juggle, molest, poke, prod, lick, graze, or look at anything; and if you break, shatter, chip, crack, scuff, tear, splinter, warp, rip, gouge, dent, bruise, bend, soil and/or stain something, you will be liable, held responsible, at fault, on the hook, under the gun, behind the 8-ball, up the river, held accountable, beholden to, and suffer the consequences
thank you!
Sep 8, 2008 at 10:08 pm rating: +34
#12
BoggyWoggy
Wow. It’s been months since I read this site.
You know all of that crap on the shelves for sale? Yeah.
It was made in China.
Break it. Break, laugh, and run.
Bwah-ha-ha-ha
Sep 8, 2008 at 10:19 pm rating: +1
#13
bean
Please do not play with the toy guns
Then why the hell would I buy it? Who wants a toy you can’t play with?
Sep 8, 2008 at 10:26 pm rating: +17
#14
ofalcon8
they basically could have saved a ton of time and paper by just putting one big sign over the door as you come in:
Hey, Shithead……Get the fuck out of our store!!!!!!
thank you
Sep 8, 2008 at 10:36 pm rating: +42
#15
Andy Lester
I despair of signs “you break, you buy” signs that attempt poetry with no meter or foot. How hard is it to come up with
Lovely to look at
Delightful to hold
But if you break it
Consider it sold
It scans! It has flow! These would-be poets cramming together random numbers of syllables without regard to scansion are the bane of my existence. Also, backwards toilet paper, but that’s a different blog.
Sep 8, 2008 at 11:49 pm rating: +21
#16
Erika
I’d rather that a sign be posted if they’re that touchy about it. Once at a farmers’ market, I made the horrible mistake of picking up a peach in order to check if it was ripe. Quelle horreur! The seller immediately snapped at me and only then informed me that she was to select my peaches for me.
Sep 8, 2008 at 11:51 pm rating: +13
#17
Carl
Suprised you didn’t put those little signs into the ‘Disposable BS’ bags. They were practically begging for it.
Sep 8, 2008 at 11:52 pm rating: +16
#18
fantasy
I never shop in those gift shops, I always just bring everyone home those cute little bottles of shampoo and the little bars of soap that the Hotels give out.
At least no one is disappointed, what you see is what you get!
Sep 9, 2008 at 12:11 am rating: +4
#19
amazon
Maybe they’d make more profits if they didn’t waste all their money on rainbow colored sharpies.
Sep 9, 2008 at 12:30 am rating: +7
#20
Woman on the Verge
Did the sign on the door say this?
Do Not Enter! You will inevitably break, touch, and or otherwise commit an infraction of our strict cheap souvenir store rules so you may as well give up now and keep on walking… Oh, wait, enter away. We have to pay for this shit somehow and the only way we are going to sell it is if you break/touch/ breathe on it!
Sep 9, 2008 at 8:04 am rating: +8
#21
claw71
OK, I’ll go ahead and assume that the items are fragile but while we’re describing them shouldn’t we also mention that they are ugly, poorly constructred and racially offensive?
Sep 9, 2008 at 8:16 am rating: +20
#22
Mishee
My husband’s name is David Crockett…
I never tell him not to touch, and I guess he can break, ’cause he already bought….
Sep 9, 2008 at 8:43 am rating: +2
#23
Magebear
Whats’ wrong with teachers coming to class armed? Some of those little bastards NEED lead poisoning.
Sep 9, 2008 at 8:51 am rating: +2
#24
claw71
The stranger rode into town slowly, as if his horse was deliberately placing one foot in front of the other. He was thin, dark and dusty from his long ride across the wind swept desert plain. The town had seen better days, but the fact that it was the only sign of civilization on the long road between Santa Fe and Denver, it was still viable. It was also dangerous. Hard men rule hard country. That’s the way of the west and this lone horseman looked to be one of the hardest men the people of the town had seen. As he plodded closer he seemed to be shrouded in shadows even though the blistering sun was high in the sky. People shaded their eyes with their hands and squinted to get a better look, women whispered to each other and horses stamped their feet. An uneasy feeling gripped them all. As the stranger entered the town, people stared and he regarded them with cold disdain, every so often staring back at one of them with frosty contempt forcing them to look away as though his gaze had burned their souls.
The stranger wore a dark tattered hat pulled tightly on his head. His face was covered in a scraggly beard and his thin lips were dry and cracked from what seemed like ages on the plain. A dirty Navajo poncho covered a faded blue work shirt and draped over his lap. The outline of a sidearm was evident. This man had the look of a gunman. His dungarees were dusty and his thirsty boots were in need of a good shine, but this man was no trail weary cowpoke.
He pulled to a halt in front of the saloon and slowly looked around, his face projecting a smug little smirk. He carefully dismounted his tired horse and led it to the water trough in front of the drinking establishment where three local thugs met him. They asked the usual questions but the man looked right through them, never saying a word. The thugs got angry but the man only regarded them with mild annoyance. Tension pulsed through the entire town. The three thugs at the saloon were not the sort of men to be toyed with and sure enough four guns were drawn, but only three shots were fired…all of them lethal and all from the stranger’s gun. He stood there for a moment, with his weapon at his hip, cocked and ready to fire but nobody challenged him. They only stared at his gun, with its shiny nickel barrel and bright pink stock. The stranger neatly twirled the weapon on his finger and dropped it into a bedazzled Gucci holster secured to the stranger’s hips with a beautiful Tiffany buckle.
“I sure hope you know how to make an Apple-tini,” the stranger hissed at the bartender as he pushed through the saloon doors. “I’d hate to have to waste another bullet…at least not until I find a place that has chrome casings. Brass makes my hips look big.”
Sep 9, 2008 at 8:52 am rating: +29
#25
GhostWriter
There appears to be a pocket of resistance in the store. I’ve never seen a “Please Do Not Touch” sign that has been more thoroughly touched than in the 5th pic.
But, what is that on the shelf? …a hollowed-out armadillo fashioned into a gun holster?
Sep 9, 2008 at 9:42 am rating: 0
#26
RunBarbara
Vibrators/dildos just became legal in Texas to be sold as something other than a “marital aide” or a “personal massager”. Maybe this store was paranoid about their sexy armadillo-beer-cozy-thing being mistaken for a new version of The Rabbit- looksies, no feelsies.
Sep 9, 2008 at 9:52 am rating: +2
#27
GhostWriter
The Texas “No Playing With Guns” warning is serious. The locals can’t control it- if there’s a pile of guns, toy or actual, the resident yahoos will grab ‘em up and start running around the store playing Cowboys and Mexicans. Once I walked into a toy store holding a burrito, and a group of toy-gun-toting teens held me hostage until Shanikqua, my idiot wife, landed a roundhouse to each of their beachball heads.
…and she’s the one who got in trouble!
Sep 9, 2008 at 10:04 am rating: +4
#28
GhostWriter
Does anybody else think the 1st pic is erotically suggestive? Look at those long pink curvy shapes, spreading open at the bottom. Note the fur-lined crevasses. I’d Pay to Play!
Sep 9, 2008 at 10:11 am rating: 0
#29
Lildonbro
That place is a goldmine!
Sep 9, 2008 at 10:15 am rating: 0
#30
claw71
She moved, RB and you know it. You were plugging her from behind with your armadillo skin strap on.
Sep 9, 2008 at 10:50 am rating: 0
#31
claw71
Great now I can’t nest my comments again. What have I done to offend thee, oh wise and merciful eerac?
Sep 9, 2008 at 10:51 am rating: 0
#32
Stormy
As a person who lives in San Antonio and shuns the Riverwalk with every fibre of my being, I’d just like to point out that there’s a reason these signs have to be made in the first place, and you can find them all boozing up at Joe’s Crab Shack.
Of course, around here, we call them “open season”.
Sep 9, 2008 at 12:13 pm rating: +2
#33
fantasy
Might as well just throw your money in the door of them cheap places, that shit will fall apart before the cashier can even ring up your total.
Sep 9, 2008 at 12:13 pm rating: +2
#34
aaa
Are those giant wood Indians getting humped by a horde of tiny wood Indians in that seventh photo there while waiting to be sexed doggy style?
Sep 9, 2008 at 3:58 pm rating: 0
#35
aaa
I could make so many King of the Hill references right now…
Sep 9, 2008 at 4:10 pm rating: 0
#36
Ryan
What kind of possee uses bright pink guns?
Sep 9, 2008 at 4:26 pm rating: 0
#37
Sabrina
Personally, I need a test run before I buy ANY toy guns……I guess I will be buying elsewhere.
Sep 9, 2008 at 7:00 pm rating: 0
#38
Sarjo
Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Euripides.
Euripides who?
EU-RIPPA-DESE PANTS, I BREAK-A YOU FACE!
Sep 9, 2008 at 8:55 pm rating: +7
#39
Miss Unloop
Seriously, those signs make me want to don a mask made of human flesh, grab a chainsaw, destroy every cheap piece of crap in the place, and then smear the doors with head-cheese on my way out.
Sep 9, 2008 at 10:05 pm rating: +1
#40
aaa
Because somebody’s gotta do it…
In Soviet Russia, toy guns play with you!
Ugh, ‘tard me up.
Sep 9, 2008 at 11:59 pm rating: 0
#41
aaa
HANK: Where’s the children’s gun section?
MEGALOMART EMPLOYEE: Aisle 47.
Sep 10, 2008 at 9:56 am rating: 0
#42
aaa
DALE: Guns don’t kill people, the government does.
Sep 10, 2008 at 9:57 am rating: 0
#43
aaa
BOBBY: Can I put a gun rack on my bike?
HANK: Do you know how long I’ve been waiting for you to ask me that?
Sep 10, 2008 at 9:58 am rating: +1
#44
jane
It’s illegal; they have insurance for breakage.
Sep 11, 2008 at 12:29 pm rating: 0
#45
Flappy Chuck
Okay, in the defense of these people I own a store myself (though not the klassy merchandise they carry) and SOME people really do touch every damn thing and break every damn thing. And it gets to be very frustrating. People who have no intention of buying anything will play with and fondle everything in sight.
I have a whole hutch of gourmet foods and a few months ago this woman opened a jar and stuck her nose in it and then returned it to the shelf. When I made her pay, she was embarassed but her friend was appalled and LIVID with me. Screaming and yelling how I should have signs that say not to open the food! Sometimes signs are needed for the people who lack common sense–and as someone who deals with hundreds of people a week, that’s the vast majority anymore. Particularly those on vacation.
And in response to #44, Jane, my business insurance covers someone running their car into the front of my store but it’s not gonna cover my drunken roadkill taxidermy!
Sep 12, 2008 at 5:27 pm rating: 0
#46
Devlin85
A little overkill, don’t ya think? One warning sign on the door would suffice.. Sounds like these store owners are just a bunch of A-holes..
Sep 22, 2008 at 3:28 pm rating: 0
#47
soror
Oh my god, I know which store this is! The lady who worked there when we wandered through practically followed us through the store. Psycho.
Sep 24, 2008 at 1:11 pm rating: +1
#48
Mallori
hahaha I love this because I’m actually from San Antonio and thought “those signs remind me of el mercado.” I am so good.
Nov 1, 2008 at 9:28 pm rating: +1
#49
laura
Lmao, just throwing this out there… I’ve lived in SA my entire life, & a teacher would NEVER be allowed to enter a school with a gun here. We aren’t THAT crazy.
We just really cherish our armadillo sculptures downing bottles of Lone Star.
Feb 14, 2009 at 2:04 pm rating: 0
#50
Cece
Badly need your help. From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.
I am from Guinea and learning to speak English, please tell me right I wrote the following sentence: “Treatment of allergic reactions is by taking oral anti allergy medicines and applying topical corticosteroids.Drug laboratories – caring the sufferers anti allergic.”
Best regards 8), Nysa.
May 31, 2009 at 3:25 am rating: 0
#51
kaylyn
ive been in that store. never thought id see it on here, but then again….
Oct 15, 2009 at 12:54 am rating: 0
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