as davy crockett once said…

September 8th, 2008 · 140 comments

i recently returned from a few days in san antonio, texas, where my friend matt and i amused ourselves on the riverwalk with a competition to find the tackiest souvenir possible in each store within three minutes or less. (my first win: a “pooping armadillo” keychain.) when we entered this fine establishment, however, i had to call a time-out.

as davy crockett once said...

as davy crockett once said...

as davy crockett once said...

as davy crocket once said...

as davy crockett once said...

as davy crockett once said...

as davy crockett once said...

as davy crockett once said...

as davy crockett once said...

i didn’t even get a chance to take photos of all the signs at this one store — including some amazing ones taped to the register — before i started getting the stink-eye from the manager. (i generally try to stay out of trouble in states that allow their teachers to come to class armed.) i’m telling you, alamo, schmalamo: this store was the highlight of my trip.

related: tourist traps have the best signs
extra credit: fanny pack antics

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FILED UNDER: "customer service" · blitzkrieg approach · excessive underlining · exclamation-point happy! · heart · highlighter · san antonio · texas · touching


'Dick in a Box' Hoodie Sweatshirt

140 responses so far ↓

  • #1   snee

    damn. i reeeeeeally wanted to touch that dead, stuffed, boozy armadillo.

    Sep 8, 2008 at 9:12 pm   rating: +20  

     
  • #2   anglophile

    Pink guns? What, now even fake instruments of death have to support the cure for breast cancer?

    Sep 8, 2008 at 9:18 pm   rating: +28  

    • #2.1   snee

      ten percent of all your fake kills goes to the fight against breast cancer.

      Sep 8, 2008 at 9:23 pm   rating: +28  

       
    • #2.2   ofalcon8

      shoot fer a cure

      Sep 8, 2008 at 10:22 pm   rating: +16  

       
    • #2.3   Holiday Djinn

      You can almost see the Vote McCain/Palin sticker on the side of the gun!

      Sep 9, 2008 at 10:05 am   rating: +11  

       
    • #2.4   Ti O

      I would make a pink gun innuendo joke here but it is too easy.

      Sep 9, 2008 at 11:56 am   rating: +3  

       
    • #2.5   Ti O

      As I sat back she came breezing into the store.Tan sexy legs and she was wearing a short white cotton jersey skirt and a halter top. I began cleaning my pink gun with slow deliberate strokes. I had no idea what all the screaming was about until the cop arrested me.
      I had not payed attention to the “No playing with the pink guns” sign.

      Sep 9, 2008 at 3:26 pm   rating: +16  

       
    • #2.6   JoeInLA

      Um, “paid,” not “payed.”

      /s/ The Spelling Nazi

      Sep 9, 2008 at 8:38 pm   rating: +2  

       
     
  • #3   Quite Contrary

    Please do not play with the guns?

    As in, the guns are in an unlocked file cabinet with a sign saying GUNS on it and you think people are going to see a sign that says please don’t play with the guns and that will stop them?

    I really don’t get Texas.

    Sep 8, 2008 at 9:24 pm   rating: +5  

    • #3.1   BoggyWoggy

      Ummmm….filing cabinet? Try display case with cardboard display packaging…

      Sep 8, 2008 at 10:21 pm   rating: +3  

       
    • #3.2   me

      We dn’t really get what ever state you’re in…I mean from…either.

      Sep 9, 2008 at 2:43 pm   rating: +3  

       
     
  • #4   anglophile

    To be fair, they obviously have a lot of capital tied up in their quality merchandise. Take those “silver” crosses. Imagine if you damaged one of those. Why, I bet it would cost the store owner, what, 17 cents?

    Sep 8, 2008 at 9:25 pm   rating: +10  

    • #4.1   Quite Contrary

      With inflation, I’m guessing 20 cents.

      Sep 8, 2008 at 9:26 pm   rating: +2  

       
    • #4.2   VocaPopula

      Since the stock room is apparently closed, I can understand the desire to make sure that the stuff already on the shelves doesn’t get broken. Or sold, either, I guess.

      Sep 9, 2008 at 8:59 am   rating: +2  

       
    • #4.3   James

      How are you going to break a silver cross? Smelt it? Create pellets out of them like Mel Gibson in The Patriot? What a ridiculous assertion.

      Sep 9, 2008 at 6:09 pm   rating: +4  

       
    • #4.4   Holiday Djinn

      I like the use of the word assertion in the previous post. However, I would have used an exclamation point instead of a period to punctuate the sentence.

      Sep 10, 2008 at 7:02 am   rating: 0  

       
    • #4.5   To be Me

      Do you think making silver bullets w/ the crosses for the pink guns would be acceptable?

      Sep 10, 2008 at 1:24 pm   rating: +1  

       
     
  • #5   Quite Contrary

    “It’s nice to touch and hold but if it’s broken, consider it sold.”

    - Sarah Palin regarding Bristol

    Sep 8, 2008 at 9:25 pm   rating: +65  

    • #5.1   bellabeastie

      OOoooh snap!!

      Highest bidder?

      Anyone?

      anyone ? hello?

      Sep 9, 2008 at 10:44 am   rating: +2  

       
     
  • #6   Miss Unloop

    “Items are fragile.” Shouldn’t the sign then logically read “You buy, you break”?

    BTW, lurve the exclamation points with hearts at the bottom! Nothing says “souvenir toy gun from Texas” like a punctuation mark with a heart!

    Sep 8, 2008 at 9:42 pm   rating: +20  

     
  • #7   Canthz_B

    The management sets a poor example for the customers by playing with the toy guns.

    Sep 8, 2008 at 9:46 pm   rating: 0  

     
  • #8   Canthz_B

    Texans Against Gun-play is a fringe party at best.

    Sep 8, 2008 at 9:47 pm   rating: +5  

     
  • #9   Canthz_B

    I wonder if the Lock and Barrel rooms are still open?

    Sep 8, 2008 at 9:49 pm   rating: +17  

     
  • #10   raiseyourglass

    If they just lined the floor with bubble wrap they wouldn’t have anything to worry about. HEY!! I got an idea just put a sign up on the door that says “UPON ENTRY KEEP HANDS IN POCKETS- ANYONE CAUGHT BREAKING THE RULES WILL BE SHOT!

    Sep 8, 2008 at 9:59 pm   rating: +14  

    • #10.1   Mark

      “And your child will be given an espresso and a puppy!”

      Sep 9, 2008 at 10:40 am   rating: +11  

       
     
  • #11   ofalcon8

    please do not touch, hold ,squeeze ,fondle, caress, handle, juggle, molest, poke, prod, lick, graze, or look at anything; and if you break, shatter, chip, crack, scuff, tear, splinter, warp, rip, gouge, dent, bruise, bend, soil and/or stain something, you will be liable, held responsible, at fault, on the hook, under the gun, behind the 8-ball, up the river, held accountable, beholden to, and suffer the consequences

    thank you!

    Sep 8, 2008 at 10:08 pm   rating: +29  

    • #11.1   bellabeastie

      and the consequences would be…

      Pushin’ up daisies.

      thank you!

      Sep 9, 2008 at 10:04 am   rating: +1  

       
    • #11.2   Canthz_B

      Luckily for me I only like to fold, spindle and mutilate!

      Sep 9, 2008 at 8:29 pm   rating: +1  

       
     
  • #12   BoggyWoggy

    Wow. It’s been months since I read this site.
    You know all of that crap on the shelves for sale? Yeah.
    It was made in China.
    Break it. Break, laugh, and run.
    Bwah-ha-ha-ha

    Sep 8, 2008 at 10:19 pm   rating: 0  

    • #12.1   Mishee

      OMG Boggy is back…

      How I have wondered about her for sooooo long…

      Where have you been? The basement in the Alamo with PeeWee’s bike?

      Sep 9, 2008 at 8:44 am   rating: +2  

       
    • #12.2   Tina O

      …and I am your tour guide Tina.

      ” the stars at night are big and bright….”

      Sep 9, 2008 at 11:59 am   rating: +1  

       
    • #12.3   aaa

      Reminds me of that episode of Spongebob where Sandy decides to go back to Texas.

      “The stars at night are dull and dim whenever they have to be over dumb old stupid Texas!”

      Sep 9, 2008 at 4:08 pm   rating: +1  

       
    • #12.4   bellabeastie

      Not bright- like in Bikini Bottom :)

      Sep 10, 2008 at 12:02 am   rating: 0  

       
     
  • #13   bean

    Please do not play with the toy guns

    Then why the hell would I buy it? Who wants a toy you can’t play with?

    Sep 8, 2008 at 10:26 pm   rating: +15  

     
  • #14   ofalcon8

    they basically could have saved a ton of time and paper by just putting one big sign over the door as you come in:

    Hey, Shithead……Get the fuck out of our store!!!!!!

    thank you

    Sep 8, 2008 at 10:36 pm   rating: +39  

    • #14.1   Yoheimizrahi

      But why on earth would they want to help the enviroment? They’ve got a whole 20 cents to make on those crosses.

      Sep 8, 2008 at 11:34 pm   rating: +3  

       
    • #14.2   wright

      I always thought Texans were supposed to be friendlier, if only because of the confidence instilled by their being more heavily-armed than any other state of the union AND Brazil…

      Sep 9, 2008 at 12:58 am   rating: +6  

       
    • #14.3   bellabeastie

      Sooo —

      “heavily-armed = friendlier” ?????

      Sep 9, 2008 at 10:10 am   rating: 0  

       
    • #14.4   Vargas

      Actually, wright, Arizona’s gun laws are a lot more lax than Texas’.

      Sep 9, 2008 at 12:08 pm   rating: 0  

       
    • #14.5   Canthz_B

      Actually, Vargas, wright didn’t mention gun laws, but rather gun ownership.
      I was going to look up per capita gun ownership in Texas and Arizona, but soon lost interest in the project. ;-)

      Sep 9, 2008 at 12:49 pm   rating: +2  

       
    • #14.6   wright

      Next time I’ll try for a Smiley that conveys “Friendly Sarcasm”.

      It was more a poke at the apparently humorless store owner than at Texans en masse ;)

      Sep 9, 2008 at 1:21 pm   rating: 0  

       
    • #14.7   AuntyBron

      Actually, Belle,

      Heavily armed = can afford to be friendlier

      Sep 10, 2008 at 12:52 am   rating: 0  

       
    • #14.8   bellabeastie

      So — not so heavily-armed would have to be the friendliest as to not incur the wrath of the heavily armed.

      Sheesh. this is getting complicated.

      I’ll just try not to break anything…

      Sep 10, 2008 at 1:06 am   rating: 0  

       
     
  • #15   Andy Lester

    I despair of signs “you break, you buy” signs that attempt poetry with no meter or foot. How hard is it to come up with

    Lovely to look at
    Delightful to hold
    But if you break it
    Consider it sold

    It scans! It has flow! These would-be poets cramming together random numbers of syllables without regard to scansion are the bane of my existence. Also, backwards toilet paper, but that’s a different blog.

    Sep 8, 2008 at 11:49 pm   rating: +19  

    • #15.1   wright

      I’m with you on the deplorable poetry issue Andy, but…

      “Also, backwards toilet paper, but that’s a different blog.”

      How long have you been visiting this site? Admittedly this blog doesn’t specialize in just backwards toilet paper, but there’s enough bathroom-related content to satisfy even Claw and Mishee.

      At least temporarily.

      Sep 9, 2008 at 12:50 am   rating: +7  

       
    • #15.2   claw71

      There’s never enough bathroom-related content to satisfy me. Never. Which is why I’m going to have to perform a little thing I like to call the Cleveland Steamer on your mom. That’s my version of the unitard. She’ll wear it and she’ll like it. You will too.

      Sep 9, 2008 at 9:38 am   rating: +5  

       
    • #15.3   GhostWriter

      For threads that just don’t seem to have enough bathroom-related content, I’ve found it handy to bring along my own Disposable Bullshit Bag.

      It seals BS in!

      Sep 9, 2008 at 9:49 am   rating: +9  

       
    • #15.4   bellabeastie

      But somehow it always gets out -

      Much to our entertainment.

      Team No Bullshit Containment !

      Sep 9, 2008 at 10:19 am   rating: +2  

       
    • #15.5   wright

      Like I said Claw, with regards to you, satisfaction is strictly temporary.

      It’s part of your charm :)

      Sep 9, 2008 at 1:15 pm   rating: 0  

       
    • #15.6   Numinous

      Isn’t everyone’s satisfaction temporary? I mean, otherwise once we were satisfied we’d just sit down and do nothing.

      Claw simply has a higher threshold and more stamina than most of you. Why do you think he has such a huge harem?

      Sep 9, 2008 at 3:45 pm   rating: +1  

       
    • #15.7   snee

      i HATE those little rhymey signs!

      Sep 9, 2008 at 6:07 pm   rating: +2  

       
     
  • #16   Erika

    I’d rather that a sign be posted if they’re that touchy about it. Once at a farmers’ market, I made the horrible mistake of picking up a peach in order to check if it was ripe. Quelle horreur! The seller immediately snapped at me and only then informed me that she was to select my peaches for me.

    Sep 8, 2008 at 11:51 pm   rating: +11  

    • #16.1   secretrebel

      I’ve had this happen to me too. Dude insisted on selecting my avocado for me. Isn’t the whole point that you select fruit that’s the right level of firmness for you? And how the hell can you describe said level to someone else?

      Sep 10, 2008 at 1:12 pm   rating: 0  

       
     
  • #17   Carl

    Suprised you didn’t put those little signs into the ‘Disposable BS’ bags. They were practically begging for it.

    Sep 8, 2008 at 11:52 pm   rating: +15  

     
  • #18   fantasy

    I never shop in those gift shops, I always just bring everyone home those cute little bottles of shampoo and the little bars of soap that the Hotels give out.
    At least no one is disappointed, what you see is what you get!

    Sep 9, 2008 at 12:11 am   rating: +3  

    • #18.1   secondsout

      The really special person in the Fantasy household gets a special “Holiday Inn” bathmat for Christmas.

      Sep 9, 2008 at 7:21 pm   rating: +1  

       
     
  • #19   amazon

    Maybe they’d make more profits if they didn’t waste all their money on rainbow colored sharpies.

    Sep 9, 2008 at 12:30 am   rating: +6  

     
  • #20   Woman on the Verge

    Did the sign on the door say this?

    Do Not Enter! You will inevitably break, touch, and or otherwise commit an infraction of our strict cheap souvenir store rules so you may as well give up now and keep on walking… Oh, wait, enter away. We have to pay for this shit somehow and the only way we are going to sell it is if you break/touch/ breathe on it!

    Sep 9, 2008 at 8:04 am   rating: +7  

     
  • #21   claw71

    OK, I’ll go ahead and assume that the items are fragile but while we’re describing them shouldn’t we also mention that they are ugly, poorly constructred and racially offensive?

    Sep 9, 2008 at 8:16 am   rating: +19  

     
  • #22   Mishee

    My husband’s name is David Crockett…

    I never tell him not to touch, and I guess he can break, ’cause he already bought….

    Sep 9, 2008 at 8:43 am   rating: +2