As Davy Crockett once said…

September 8th, 2008 · 146 comments

I recently returned from a few days in San Antonio, Texas, where my friend Matt and I amused ourselves on the Riverwalk with a competition to find the tackiest souvenir possible in each store within three minutes or less. (My first win: a “pooping armadillo” keychain.) When we entered this fine establishment, however, I had to call a time-out.

as davy crockett once said...

as davy crockett once said...

as davy crockett once said...

as davy crocket once said...

as davy crockett once said...

as davy crockett once said...

as davy crockett once said...

as davy crockett once said...

as davy crockett once said...

I didn’t even get a chance to take photos of all the signs at this one store — including some amazing ones taped to the register — before I started getting the stink-eye from the manager. (I generally try to stay out of trouble in states that allow their teachers to come to class armed.) I’m telling you, Alamo, Schmalamo: this store was the highlight of my trip.

related: Tourist traps have the best signs

FILED UNDER: "customer service" · blitzkrieg approach · excessive underlining · exclamation-point happy!!!! · heart · high on highlighter · San Antonio · Texas · touching · tourists


146 responses so far ↓

  • #1   snee

    damn. i reeeeeeally wanted to touch that dead, stuffed, boozy armadillo.

    Sep 8, 2008 at 9:12 pm   rating: 35  small thumbs up

     
  • #2   anglophile bang

    Pink guns? What, now even fake instruments of death have to support the cure for breast cancer?

    Sep 8, 2008 at 9:18 pm   rating: 35  small thumbs up

    • #2.1   snee bang

      ten percent of all your fake kills goes to the fight against breast cancer.

      Sep 8, 2008 at 9:23 pm   rating: 35  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.2   ofalcon8

      shoot fer a cure

      Sep 8, 2008 at 10:22 pm   rating: 21  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.3   Holiday Djinn

      You can almost see the Vote McCain/Palin sticker on the side of the gun!

      Sep 9, 2008 at 10:05 am   rating: 15  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.4   Ti O

      I would make a pink gun innuendo joke here but it is too easy.

      Sep 9, 2008 at 11:56 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.5   Ti O

      As I sat back she came breezing into the store.Tan sexy legs and she was wearing a short white cotton jersey skirt and a halter top. I began cleaning my pink gun with slow deliberate strokes. I had no idea what all the screaming was about until the cop arrested me.
      I had not payed attention to the “No playing with the pink guns” sign.

      Sep 9, 2008 at 3:26 pm   rating: 28  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.6   JoeInLA

      Um, “paid,” not “payed.”

      /s/ The Spelling Nazi

      Sep 9, 2008 at 8:38 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.7   mack

      payed 1 (pād)
      v. A past tense and a past participle of pay1.
      payed 2 (pād)
      v. A past tense and a past participle of pay2.
      The American Heritage® Dictionary of the English Language, Fourth Edition

      Jun 14, 2009 at 5:57 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #3   Quite Contrary

    Please do not play with the guns?

    As in, the guns are in an unlocked file cabinet with a sign saying GUNS on it and you think people are going to see a sign that says please don’t play with the guns and that will stop them?

    I really don’t get Texas.

    Sep 8, 2008 at 9:24 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

    • #3.1   BoggyWoggy

      Ummmm….filing cabinet? Try display case with cardboard display packaging…

      Sep 8, 2008 at 10:21 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #3.2   me

      We dn’t really get what ever state you’re in…I mean from…either.

      Sep 9, 2008 at 2:43 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #4   anglophile bang

    To be fair, they obviously have a lot of capital tied up in their quality merchandise. Take those “silver” crosses. Imagine if you damaged one of those. Why, I bet it would cost the store owner, what, 17 cents?

    Sep 8, 2008 at 9:25 pm   rating: 17  small thumbs up

    • #4.1   Quite Contrary

      With inflation, I’m guessing 20 cents.

      Sep 8, 2008 at 9:26 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #4.2   VocaPopula

      Since the stock room is apparently closed, I can understand the desire to make sure that the stuff already on the shelves doesn’t get broken. Or sold, either, I guess.

      Sep 9, 2008 at 8:59 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #4.3   James

      How are you going to break a silver cross? Smelt it? Create pellets out of them like Mel Gibson in The Patriot? What a ridiculous assertion.

      Sep 9, 2008 at 6:09 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

       
    • #4.4   Holiday Djinn

      I like the use of the word assertion in the previous post. However, I would have used an exclamation point instead of a period to punctuate the sentence.

      Sep 10, 2008 at 7:02 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #4.5   To be Me

      Do you think making silver bullets w/ the crosses for the pink guns would be acceptable?

      Sep 10, 2008 at 1:24 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #5   Quite Contrary

    “It’s nice to touch and hold but if it’s broken, consider it sold.”

    - Sarah Palin regarding Bristol

    Sep 8, 2008 at 9:25 pm   rating: 72  small thumbs up

    • #5.1   bellabeastie

      OOoooh snap!!

      Highest bidder?

      Anyone?

      anyone ? hello?

      Sep 9, 2008 at 10:44 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #6   Miss Unloop bang

    “Items are fragile.” Shouldn’t the sign then logically read “You buy, you break”?

    BTW, lurve the exclamation points with hearts at the bottom! Nothing says “souvenir toy gun from Texas” like a punctuation mark with a heart!

    Sep 8, 2008 at 9:42 pm   rating: 24  small thumbs up

     
  • #7   Canthz_B bang

    The management sets a poor example for the customers by playing with the toy guns.

    Sep 8, 2008 at 9:46 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #8   Canthz_B bang

    Texans Against Gun-play is a fringe party at best.

    Sep 8, 2008 at 9:47 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

     
  • #9   Canthz_B bang

    I wonder if the Lock and Barrel rooms are still open?

    Sep 8, 2008 at 9:49 pm   rating: 22  small thumbs up

     
  • #10   raiseyourglass

    If they just lined the floor with bubble wrap they wouldn’t have anything to worry about. HEY!! I got an idea just put a sign up on the door that says “UPON ENTRY KEEP HANDS IN POCKETS- ANYONE CAUGHT BREAKING THE RULES WILL BE SHOT!

    Sep 8, 2008 at 9:59 pm   rating: 18  small thumbs up

    • #10.1   Mark bang

      “And your child will be given an espresso and a puppy!”

      Sep 9, 2008 at 10:40 am   rating: 17  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #11   ofalcon8

    please do not touch, hold ,squeeze ,fondle, caress, handle, juggle, molest, poke, prod, lick, graze, or look at anything; and if you break, shatter, chip, crack, scuff, tear, splinter, warp, rip, gouge, dent, bruise, bend, soil and/or stain something, you will be liable, held responsible, at fault, on the hook, under the gun, behind the 8-ball, up the river, held accountable, beholden to, and suffer the consequences

    thank you!

    Sep 8, 2008 at 10:08 pm   rating: 38  small thumbs up

    • #11.1   bellabeastie

      and the consequences would be…

      Pushin’ up daisies.

      thank you!

      Sep 9, 2008 at 10:04 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #11.2   Canthz_B bang

      Luckily for me I only like to fold, spindle and mutilate!

      Sep 9, 2008 at 8:29 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #12   BoggyWoggy

    Wow. It’s been months since I read this site.
    You know all of that crap on the shelves for sale? Yeah.
    It was made in China.
    Break it. Break, laugh, and run.
    Bwah-ha-ha-ha

    Sep 8, 2008 at 10:19 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #12.1   Mishee bang

      OMG Boggy is back…

      How I have wondered about her for sooooo long…

      Where have you been? The basement in the Alamo with PeeWee’s bike?

      Sep 9, 2008 at 8:44 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #12.2   Tina O

      …and I am your tour guide Tina.

      ” the stars at night are big and bright….”

      Sep 9, 2008 at 11:59 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #12.3   aaa

      Reminds me of that episode of Spongebob where Sandy decides to go back to Texas.

      “The stars at night are dull and dim whenever they have to be over dumb old stupid Texas!”

      Sep 9, 2008 at 4:08 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #12.4   bellabeastie

      Not bright- like in Bikini Bottom :)

      Sep 10, 2008 at 12:02 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #13   bean

    Please do not play with the toy guns

    Then why the hell would I buy it? Who wants a toy you can’t play with?

    Sep 8, 2008 at 10:26 pm   rating: 19  small thumbs up

     
  • #14   ofalcon8

    they basically could have saved a ton of time and paper by just putting one big sign over the door as you come in:

    Hey, Shithead……Get the fuck out of our store!!!!!!

    thank you

    Sep 8, 2008 at 10:36 pm   rating: 44  small thumbs up

    • #14.1   Yoheimizrahi bang

      But why on earth would they want to help the enviroment? They’ve got a whole 20 cents to make on those crosses.

      Sep 8, 2008 at 11:34 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #14.2   wright

      I always thought Texans were supposed to be friendlier, if only because of the confidence instilled by their being more heavily-armed than any other state of the union AND Brazil…

      Sep 9, 2008 at 12:58 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
    • #14.3   bellabeastie

      Sooo —

      “heavily-armed = friendlier” ?????

      Sep 9, 2008 at 10:10 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #14.4   Vargas

      Actually, wright, Arizona’s gun laws are a lot more lax than Texas’.

      Sep 9, 2008 at 12:08 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #14.5   Canthz_B bang

      Actually, Vargas, wright didn’t mention gun laws, but rather gun ownership.
      I was going to look up per capita gun ownership in Texas and Arizona, but soon lost interest in the project. ;-)

      Sep 9, 2008 at 12:49 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #14.6   wright

      Next time I’ll try for a Smiley that conveys “Friendly Sarcasm”.

      It was more a poke at the apparently humorless store owner than at Texans en masse ;)

      Sep 9, 2008 at 1:21 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #14.7   AuntyBron

      Actually, Belle,

      Heavily armed = can afford to be friendlier

      Sep 10, 2008 at 12:52 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #14.8   bellabeastie

      So — not so heavily-armed would have to be the friendliest as to not incur the wrath of the heavily armed.

      Sheesh. this is getting complicated.

      I’ll just try not to break anything…

      Sep 10, 2008 at 1:06 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #15   Andy Lester

    I despair of signs “you break, you buy” signs that attempt poetry with no meter or foot. How hard is it to come up with

    Lovely to look at
    Delightful to hold
    But if you break it
    Consider it sold

    It scans! It has flow! These would-be poets cramming together random numbers of syllables without regard to scansion are the bane of my existence. Also, backwards toilet paper, but that’s a different blog.

    Sep 8, 2008 at 11:49 pm   rating: 22  small thumbs up

    • #15.1   wright

      I’m with you on the deplorable poetry issue Andy, but…

      “Also, backwards toilet paper, but that’s a different blog.”

      How long have you been visiting this site? Admittedly this blog doesn’t specialize in just backwards toilet paper, but there’s enough bathroom-related content to satisfy even Claw and Mishee.

      At least temporarily.

      Sep 9, 2008 at 12:50 am   rating: 8  small thumbs up

       
    • #15.2   claw71 bang

      There’s never enough bathroom-related content to satisfy me. Never. Which is why I’m going to have to perform a little thing I like to call the Cleveland Steamer on your mom. That’s my version of the unitard. She’ll wear it and she’ll like it. You will too.

      Sep 9, 2008 at 9:38 am   rating: 8  small thumbs up

       
    • #15.3   GhostWriter bang

      For threads that just don’t seem to have enough bathroom-related content, I’ve found it handy to bring along my own Disposable Bullshit Bag.

      It seals BS in!

      Sep 9, 2008 at 9:49 am   rating: 12  small thumbs up

       
    • #15.4   bellabeastie

      But somehow it always gets out -

      Much to our entertainment.

      Team No Bullshit Containment !

      Sep 9, 2008 at 10:19 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #15.5   wright

      Like I said Claw, with regards to you, satisfaction is strictly temporary.

      It’s part of your charm :)

      Sep 9, 2008 at 1:15 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #15.6   Numinous bang

      Isn’t everyone’s satisfaction temporary? I mean, otherwise once we were satisfied we’d just sit down and do nothing.

      Claw simply has a higher threshold and more stamina than most of you. Why do you think he has such a huge harem?

      Sep 9, 2008 at 3:45 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #15.7   snee bang

      i HATE those little rhymey signs!

      Sep 9, 2008 at 6:07 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #16   Erika

    I’d rather that a sign be posted if they’re that touchy about it. Once at a farmers’ market, I made the horrible mistake of picking up a peach in order to check if it was ripe. Quelle horreur! The seller immediately snapped at me and only then informed me that she was to select my peaches for me.

    Sep 8, 2008 at 11:51 pm   rating: 14  small thumbs up

    • #16.1   secretrebel

      I’ve had this happen to me too. Dude insisted on selecting my avocado for me. Isn’t the whole point that you select fruit that’s the right level of firmness for you? And how the hell can you describe said level to someone else?

      Sep 10, 2008 at 1:12 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #17   Carl

    Suprised you didn’t put those little signs into the ‘Disposable BS’ bags. They were practically begging for it.

    Sep 8, 2008 at 11:52 pm   rating: 18  small thumbs up

     
  • #18   fantasy bang

    I never shop in those gift shops, I always just bring everyone home those cute little bottles of shampoo and the little bars of soap that the Hotels give out.
    At least no one is disappointed, what you see is what you get!

    Sep 9, 2008 at 12:11 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

    • #18.1   secondsout bang

      The really special person in the Fantasy household gets a special “Holiday Inn” bathmat for Christmas.

      Sep 9, 2008 at 7:21 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #19   amazon bang

    Maybe they’d make more profits if they didn’t waste all their money on rainbow colored sharpies.

    Sep 9, 2008 at 12:30 am   rating: 8  small thumbs up

     
  • #20   Woman on the Verge bang

    Did the sign on the door say this?

    Do Not Enter! You will inevitably break, touch, and or otherwise commit an infraction of our strict cheap souvenir store rules so you may as well give up now and keep on walking… Oh, wait, enter away. We have to pay for this shit somehow and the only way we are going to sell it is if you break/touch/ breathe on it!

    Sep 9, 2008 at 8:04 am   rating: 10  small thumbs up

     
  • #21   claw71 bang

    OK, I’ll go ahead and assume that the items are fragile but while we’re describing them shouldn’t we also mention that they are ugly, poorly constructred and racially offensive?

    Sep 9, 2008 at 8:16 am   rating: 22  small thumbs up

     
  • #22   Mishee bang

    My husband’s name is David Crockett…

    I never tell him not to touch, and I guess he can break, ’cause he already bought….

    Sep 9, 2008 at 8:43 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #22.1   claw71 bang

      So does he mistake your cooter for his coon skin cap?

      Sep 9, 2008 at 9:31 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #22.2   GhostWriter bang

      …poon skin flap?

      Sep 9, 2008 at 9:51 am   rating: 10  small thumbs up

       
    • #22.3   Mishee bang

      Not very often, but he does sometimes mutter something like, “I want to explore Texas well before I return.”

      I think he means “Mishee” not “Texas” though… hmmm, who knows…

      Sep 9, 2008 at 9:55 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #22.4   Canthz_B bang

      Naw, it’s clearly beaver.

      Sep 9, 2008 at 9:57 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #22.5   claw71 bang

      I could see how Texas might work as a metaphor for you, Mishee…seeing as how it’s big, dry, dirty and full of angry, inbred hicks.

      Sep 9, 2008 at 10:15 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #22.6   Mishee bang

      wow, and no reference of “Bush” ?

      Must be too early in the morning for you, huh?

      Sep 9, 2008 at 10:20 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #22.7   claw71 bang

      No, Bush’s approval ratings are too low…even by your standards.

      Sep 9, 2008 at 10:26 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #22.8   James

      Wait, wait… are we still talking about vaginas?

      Sep 9, 2008 at 6:14 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #22.9   secondsout bang

      Yes, and that’s why you smell something that resembles a run-over armadillo carcass.

      Sep 9, 2008 at 7:28 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #22.10   James

      That made me sad.

      Sep 10, 2008 at 5:56 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #23   Magebear

    Whats’ wrong with teachers coming to class armed? Some of those little bastards NEED lead poisoning.

    Sep 9, 2008 at 8:51 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

     
  • #24   claw71 bang

    The stranger rode into town slowly, as if his horse was deliberately placing one foot in front of the other. He was thin, dark and dusty from his long ride across the wind swept desert plain. The town had seen better days, but the fact that it was the only sign of civilization on the long road between Santa Fe and Denver, it was still viable. It was also dangerous. Hard men rule hard country. That’s the way of the west and this lone horseman looked to be one of the hardest men the people of the town had seen. As he plodded closer he seemed to be shrouded in shadows even though the blistering sun was high in the sky. People shaded their eyes with their hands and squinted to get a better look, women whispered to each other and horses stamped their feet. An uneasy feeling gripped them all. As the stranger entered the town, people stared and he regarded them with cold disdain, every so often staring back at one of them with frosty contempt forcing them to look away as though his gaze had burned their souls.

    The stranger wore a dark tattered hat pulled tightly on his head. His face was covered in a scraggly beard and his thin lips were dry and cracked from what seemed like ages on the plain. A dirty Navajo poncho covered a faded blue work shirt and draped over his lap. The outline of a sidearm was evident. This man had the look of a gunman. His dungarees were dusty and his thirsty boots were in need of a good shine, but this man was no trail weary cowpoke.

    He pulled to a halt in front of the saloon and slowly looked around, his face projecting a smug little smirk. He carefully dismounted his tired horse and led it to the water trough in front of the drinking establishment where three local thugs met him. They asked the usual questions but the man looked right through them, never saying a word. The thugs got angry but the man only regarded them with mild annoyance. Tension pulsed through the entire town. The three thugs at the saloon were not the sort of men to be toyed with and sure enough four guns were drawn, but only three shots were fired…all of them lethal and all from the stranger’s gun. He stood there for a moment, with his weapon at his hip, cocked and ready to fire but nobody challenged him. They only stared at his gun, with its shiny nickel barrel and bright pink stock. The stranger neatly twirled the weapon on his finger and dropped it into a bedazzled Gucci holster secured to the stranger’s hips with a beautiful Tiffany buckle.

    “I sure hope you know how to make an Apple-tini,” the stranger hissed at the bartender as he pushed through the saloon doors. “I’d hate to have to waste another bullet…at least not until I find a place that has chrome casings. Brass makes my hips look big.”

    Sep 9, 2008 at 8:52 am   rating: 31  small thumbs up

    • #24.1   bellabeastie

      LOLOLOL…

      Chrome my casings anytime ;)

      Sep 9, 2008 at 10:24 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #24.2   claw71 bang

      Chrome your casings? I was thinking about riding you hard and putting you away wet, little lady. I bet that you’ve got a nice little holster for my big, hard gun too. Just remember, I might shoot first but I never miss.

      Sep 9, 2008 at 10:31 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #24.3   RunBarbara bang

      tell that to mishee’s mom. she’s still wearing the eye patch.

      Sep 9, 2008 at 10:39 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #24.4   bellabeastie

      Well, sir,if you must know, my holster is Dolce & Gabbana and it’s bulletproof.

      except…

      Sep 9, 2008 at 11:01 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #24.5   RunBarbara bang

      having large guns, i made my holster out of bricks, just in case any lone wolves got any wise ideas….

      Sep 9, 2008 at 11:14 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #24.6   bellabeastie

      That said, maybe me and you can hunker down by the river whilst the salmon is runnin’..

      If you get my drift… ;)

      Sep 9, 2008 at 11:36 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #25   GhostWriter bang

    There appears to be a pocket of resistance in the store. I’ve never seen a “Please Do Not Touch” sign that has been more thoroughly touched than in the 5th pic.

    But, what is that on the shelf? …a hollowed-out armadillo fashioned into a gun holster?

    Sep 9, 2008 at 9:42 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #26   RunBarbara

    Vibrators/dildos just became legal in Texas to be sold as something other than a “marital aide” or a “personal massager”. Maybe this store was paranoid about their sexy armadillo-beer-cozy-thing being mistaken for a new version of The Rabbit- looksies, no feelsies.

    Sep 9, 2008 at 9:52 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #26.1   Holiday Djinn

      Are you saying you are in the market for an Armadillo dildo cozy?

      Sep 9, 2008 at 10:08 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #26.2   Canthz_B bang

      An Armadildo? 8-O

      Sep 9, 2008 at 10:25 am   rating: 27  small thumbs up

       
    • #26.3   monstrosity

      That’d be right up there with the Platypussy.

      http://shop.lovelifeplus.com.au/store/viewItem.shop?idProduct=37

      Sep 9, 2008 at 11:25 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #26.4   Holiday Djinn

      Canthz, if it is for Runbarbara it probably needs to be an armored dildo. ;-)

      Sep 9, 2008 at 2:11 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #26.5   Miss Unloop

      See, those are great, cuz you’re not limited to just the water soluble lubes.

      Sep 9, 2008 at 10:02 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #27   GhostWriter bang

    The Texas “No Playing With Guns” warning is serious. The locals can’t control it- if there’s a pile of guns, toy or actual, the resident yahoos will grab ‘em up and start running around the store playing Cowboys and Mexicans. Once I walked into a toy store holding a burrito, and a group of toy-gun-toting teens held me hostage until Shanikqua, my idiot wife, landed a roundhouse to each of their beachball heads.

    …and she’s the one who got in trouble!

    Sep 9, 2008 at 10:04 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

    • #27.1   Mark bang

      That’s because only Chuck Norris can land a roundhouse.

      Sep 9, 2008 at 10:45 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #27.2   bellabeastie

      Here we go — time for the Chuck Norris jokes — :)

      Sep 9, 2008 at 11:27 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #27.3   Tina O

      Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost.

      Sep 9, 2008 at 12:52 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #27.4   RickyBobby

      Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse… horses are hung like Chuck Norris.

      Sep 9, 2008 at 1:00 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #27.5   claw71 bang

      Chuck Norris is pretty tough for a guy who spends thousands of dollars a year on cosmetic surgery.

      Sep 9, 2008 at 1:23 pm   rating: 9  small thumbs up

       
    • #27.6   GhostWriter bang

      Chuck Norris gets to break and not buy.

      Sep 9, 2008 at 2:31 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #27.7   Mishee bang

      Chuck Norris doesn’t put the toilet lid down, yet the mist obeys Chuck Norris.

      Sep 9, 2008 at 3:51 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #27.8   Ti O bang

      When the fridge is empty Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks it out of the house!

      Sep 9, 2008 at 6:33 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #27.9   Intitilitus

      In Russia you don’t tell crappy Chuck Norris jokes, Chuck Norris craps on you.

      Sep 9, 2008 at 10:54 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #27.10   bellabeastie

      Thank you everyone !!

      And don’t forget to tip your waitresses.

      Sep 10, 2008 at 12:16 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #27.11   GhostWriter bang

      yeahh, I gotta tell ya…

      Chuck Norris walks into this place,
      …and the guy behind the counter says,
      “For you, Mr. Norris, the stock room is open!

      Sep 10, 2008 at 8:40 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #28   GhostWriter bang

    Does anybody else think the 1st pic is erotically suggestive? Look at those long pink curvy shapes, spreading open at the bottom. Note the fur-lined crevasses. I’d Pay to Play!

    Sep 9, 2008 at 10:11 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #28.1   anglophile bang

      Has Mrs. GhostWriter been out of town for a long time or something, GW? ;)

      Sep 9, 2008 at 10:16 am   rating: 7  small thumbs up

       
    • #28.2   Canthz_B bang

      If Shanikqua got in trouble in Texas, Anglo, she’ll be away for a real long time!

      Sep 9, 2008 at 10:29 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #28.3   GhostWriter bang

      …and now those little brass straps near the top of the barrels are starting to look like garters… oh my!

      Sep 9, 2008 at 11:28 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #28.4   Culby

      Chuck Norris doesn’t tea bag the ladies, he potato sacks them!

      Sep 10, 2008 at 8:10 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #29   Lildonbro

    That place is a goldmine!

    Sep 9, 2008 at 10:15 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #30   claw71 bang

    She moved, RB and you know it. You were plugging her from behind with your armadillo skin strap on.

    Sep 9, 2008 at 10:50 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #31   claw71 bang

    Great now I can’t nest my comments again. What have I done to offend thee, oh wise and merciful eerac?

    Sep 9, 2008 at 10:51 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #31.1   aaa

      Really? You don’t know? I know. Al Gore knows. We all know.

      Sep 9, 2008 at 4:11 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #31.2   eerac bang

      Wait what’s the problem?

      Sep 9, 2008 at 8:10 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #31.3   Canthz_B bang

      There was a really bright flash and now my memory is gone!!!!

      Sep 9, 2008 at 8:40 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #32   Stormy

    As a person who lives in San Antonio and shuns the Riverwalk with every fibre of my being, I’d just like to point out that there’s a reason these signs have to be made in the first place, and you can find them all boozing up at Joe’s Crab Shack.

    Of course, around here, we call them “open season”.

    Sep 9, 2008 at 12:13 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #32.1   Canthz_B bang

      Yes, tourism is so bad for the economy there.

      Sep 9, 2008 at 12:55 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
    • #32.2   claw71 bang

      Actually people who frequent Joe’s Crab Shack probably should be shot on sight.

      Sep 9, 2008 at 1:16 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #32.3   Quite Contrary

      These signs would work in any place a local would shun with every fiber of their being.

      SF…Ghiradhelli Square
      Los Angeles…Hollywood & Highland complex (aka Temple of Doom)
      Santa Monica…Santa Monica Pier
      New York…Seaport

      Sep 9, 2008 at 4:51 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #32.4   secondsout bang

      I used to live in San Antonio. While I actually like to occasionally visit the riverwalk, I think that the Alamo is the most overrated tourist attraction ever. WTF? It’s just four walls! You look for five minutes and you’re done. So many people died for this piece of crap? Wait, they’re Texans, never mind.

      Sep 9, 2008 at 7:37 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #32.5   Canthz_B bang

      Believe it or not Tombstone’s Boot Hill Cemetery has more life than the O.K. Corral!

      Sep 9, 2008 at 8:36 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #32.6   katrina

      why DO they call it tourist season if you can’t shoot’em?

      Sep 11, 2008 at 10:47 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #33   fantasy bang

    Might as well just throw your money in the door of them cheap places, that shit will fall apart before the cashier can even ring up your total.

    Sep 9, 2008 at 12:13 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

     
  • #34   aaa

    Are those giant wood Indians getting humped by a horde of tiny wood Indians in that seventh photo there while waiting to be sexed doggy style?

    Sep 9, 2008 at 3:58 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #34.1   Miss Unloop

      I would say they’re getting cornholed, but I believe those people call it “maize”. “Maizeholed” just doesn’t have the same ring to it.

      Sep 9, 2008 at 11:14 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #34.2   aaa

      No, no it doesn’t.

      Although ’round where I live, cornhole’s just a beanbag tossing game. I’ve talked to quite a few transplants that were raising their eyebrows when they heard people talking about playing cornhole.

      Sep 9, 2008 at 11:58 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #35   aaa

    I could make so many King of the Hill references right now…

    Sep 9, 2008 at 4:10 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #36   Ryan

    What kind of possee uses bright pink guns?

    Sep 9, 2008 at 4:26 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #36.1   Quite Contrary

      Sorority girls in Texas for one.

      Sep 9, 2008 at 4:52 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #36.2   Ti O bang

      I think the proper vernacular is possei.

      I am thinking that the Grand Marshal of the Gay Pride parade posse would use them.

      Remember kids happiness is a warm gun. Bang bang shoot shoot.

      The more you know the more you grow.

      Sep 9, 2008 at 6:15 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #36.3   bean

      knowing is half the battle.

      pink toy guns and crap ass plastic crosses are the other half.

      bang bang kiss kiss

      Sep 9, 2008 at 10:14 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #37   Sabrina

    Personally, I need a test run before I buy ANY toy guns……I guess I will be buying elsewhere.

    Sep 9, 2008 at 7:00 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #38   Sarjo bang

    Knock-knock.
    Who’s there?
    Euripides.
    Euripides who?
    EU-RIPPA-DESE PANTS, I BREAK-A YOU FACE!

    Sep 9, 2008 at 8:55 pm   rating: 9  small thumbs up

    • #38.1   bean

      no, really. That KILLED me!

      Sep 9, 2008 at 10:13 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #39   Miss Unloop

    Seriously, those signs make me want to don a mask made of human flesh, grab a chainsaw, destroy every cheap piece of crap in the place, and then smear the doors with head-cheese on my way out.

    Sep 9, 2008 at 10:05 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

     
  • #40   aaa

    Because somebody’s gotta do it…

    In Soviet Russia, toy guns play with you!

    Ugh, ‘tard me up.

    Sep 9, 2008 at 11:59 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #40.1   Miss Unloop

      I’m going in with you, aaa…

      In Soviet Russia, cheaply made toys break you!

      That might warrant the duotard.

      Sep 10, 2008 at 12:23 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #40.2   snee bang

      well then, consider yourselves ‘tarded!

      (that sounds much harsher than intended. *shrug*)

      Sep 10, 2008 at 12:46 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #40.3   aaa

      I knew what I was going into when I shortened unitard.

      Sep 10, 2008 at 9:55 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #41   aaa

    HANK: Where’s the children’s gun section?

    MEGALOMART EMPLOYEE: Aisle 47.

    Sep 10, 2008 at 9:56 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #42   aaa

    DALE: Guns don’t kill people, the government does.

    Sep 10, 2008 at 9:57 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #43   aaa

    BOBBY: Can I put a gun rack on my bike?

    HANK: Do you know how long I’ve been waiting for you to ask me that?

    Sep 10, 2008 at 9:58 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #44   jane

    It’s illegal; they have insurance for breakage.

    Sep 11, 2008 at 12:29 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #45   Flappy Chuck

    Okay, in the defense of these people I own a store myself (though not the klassy merchandise they carry) and SOME people really do touch every damn thing and break every damn thing. And it gets to be very frustrating. People who have no intention of buying anything will play with and fondle everything in sight.

    I have a whole hutch of gourmet foods and a few months ago this woman opened a jar and stuck her nose in it and then returned it to the shelf. When I made her pay, she was embarassed but her friend was appalled and LIVID with me. Screaming and yelling how I should have signs that say not to open the food! Sometimes signs are needed for the people who lack common sense–and as someone who deals with hundreds of people a week, that’s the vast majority anymore. Particularly those on vacation.

    And in response to #44, Jane, my business insurance covers someone running their car into the front of my store but it’s not gonna cover my drunken roadkill taxidermy!

    Sep 12, 2008 at 5:27 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #46   Devlin85

    A little overkill, don’t ya think? One warning sign on the door would suffice.. Sounds like these store owners are just a bunch of A-holes..

    Sep 22, 2008 at 3:28 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #47   soror

    Oh my god, I know which store this is! The lady who worked there when we wandered through practically followed us through the store. Psycho.

    Sep 24, 2008 at 1:11 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #48   Mallori

    hahaha I love this because I’m actually from San Antonio and thought “those signs remind me of el mercado.” I am so good.

    Nov 1, 2008 at 9:28 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

     
  • #49   laura

    Lmao, just throwing this out there… I’ve lived in SA my entire life, & a teacher would NEVER be allowed to enter a school with a gun here. We aren’t THAT crazy.

    We just really cherish our armadillo sculptures downing bottles of Lone Star.

    Feb 14, 2009 at 2:04 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #50   Cece

    Badly need your help. From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.
    I am from Guinea and learning to speak English, please tell me right I wrote the following sentence: “Treatment of allergic reactions is by taking oral anti allergy medicines and applying topical corticosteroids.Drug laboratories – caring the sufferers anti allergic.”

    Best regards 8), Nysa.

    May 31, 2009 at 3:25 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #51   kaylyn

    ive been in that store. never thought id see it on here, but then again….

    Oct 15, 2009 at 12:54 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
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