“i don’t need a birthday cake,” i said.

September 12th, 2008 · 109 comments

(my roommate disagreed.)

now it’s my turn: happy birthday, kim! (emoticon emoticon emoticon)

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FILED UNDER: birthday · brooklyn · cake · new york · park slope · roommates · smiley

109 responses so far ↓

#1 Grade Ape

and fuck you back… I left a fat, tightly coiled log on top of it.

Sep 12, 2008 at 9:52 am rating: +8

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#2 Mishee

hmmm, I could have sworn I told Kim I was allergic to chocolate! oh shit, I think she’s trying to kill me…

I suppose I should keep my hands off her man from now on…

Sep 12, 2008 at 9:56 am rating: +9

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- #2.1 se
  
  That chocolate icing could hide a lot of Exlax..
  
  Sep 12, 2008 at 10:27 am rating: +7
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#3 Mishee

at least even with the small (yet kind of weird looking) yellowish surface space that kim had to work with, she still didn’t resort to chatspeak! Go Kim!

Sep 12, 2008 at 10:00 am rating: +18

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- #3.1 UpFront
  
  It sort of looks like she just slapped a slice of american cheese on top and then wrote on it in ketchup. You’re right Mishee. She did an excellent job with the spacing and legibility.
  
  Sep 15, 2008 at 3:07 pm rating: +1
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#4 Cassandra

Nothing says “Happy Birthday” like dropping the f-bomb! I think the roommate must be one of my cousins.

Sep 12, 2008 at 10:10 am rating: +8

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#5 Potty Mouth

Not looking so yummy! Maybe see wanted a ckae just not one of Kim’s?

Sep 12, 2008 at 10:11 am rating: 0

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#6 gingerE

Kim really needed an excuse to cheat on her diet.

Sep 12, 2008 at 10:16 am rating: +3

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#7 monstrosity

Is that yellow square supposed to look like a post-it? If so, bravo.

Sep 12, 2008 at 10:17 am rating: +51

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- #7.1 Jimmy Straightline
  
  It’s definitely a postit. Undoubtedly from one PAN fan to another.
  
  Sep 12, 2008 at 10:51 am rating: +5
- #7.2 0falcon8
  
  would that make it a PANcake?
  
  Sep 12, 2008 at 11:24 am rating: +60
- #7.3 Intitilitus
  
  I thought it looked like Spongebob Squarepants snorkeling
  
  Sep 12, 2008 at 12:49 pm rating: +6
- #7.4 agirlie
  
  slice of cheese is more like it, mmmmmm, yummy!
  
  Sep 13, 2008 at 1:43 am rating: 0
- #7.5 Miss Unloop
  
  Looks more like Cheez Whiz to me.
  
  Sep 13, 2008 at 11:18 pm rating: +1
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#8 zenvelo

I don’t think that I could take it,
‘cuz it took so long to bake it,
and I’ll never have that recipe again…….

Sep 12, 2008 at 10:24 am rating: +10

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#9 Pwntastic

2 girls 1 cake?

I don’t trust it.

Sep 12, 2008 at 10:30 am rating: +31

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#10 Canthz_B

I know it can be done for a pie because I saw the movie…but how do you make a cake happy?

Sep 12, 2008 at 10:37 am rating: +2

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- #10.1 monstrosity
  
  I’m pretty sure it involves injecting some kind of creamy filling using a special applicator.
  
  Sep 12, 2008 at 10:42 am rating: +9
- #10.2 Canthz_B
  
  I’m sure claw will have all of the details!
  
  All these years I’ve been saying “sponge cake” when it’s really “spooge cake”?
  
  Sep 12, 2008 at 10:50 am rating: +2
- #10.3 RunBarbara
  
  Monstrosity, what youre describing is how you treat the cake’s yeast infection.
  
  Sep 12, 2008 at 10:56 am rating: +2
- #10.4 Mishee
  
  monstrosity, if you have ever seen Van Wilder, your comment wouldn’t be as funny as you thought it was.
  
  Shame on you!
  
  Sep 12, 2008 at 11:05 am rating: +2
- #10.5 monstrosity
  
  I shall not be shamed for not having seen Van Wilder, although I apologize for creating unpleasant associations.
  
  And if cake has a yeast infection, that makes it bread, right? So best to treat!
  
  Sep 12, 2008 at 12:14 pm rating: +3
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#11 RunBarbara

This cake makes me uncomfortable. Maybe its the viral looking blob of peanut butter (?) in the middle or maybe its just the ultra glossy “icing”. Either way, the real birthday present would be not having to eat it.

Sep 12, 2008 at 10:42 am rating: +6

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- #11.1 0falcon8
  
  passive-aggressive notes + cake wrecks = delicious
  
  Sep 12, 2008 at 11:48 am rating: +7
- #11.2 mere
  
  caaaake wreeecks…mmmmmmmmmmm (imagine homer simpson)
  
  Sep 12, 2008 at 12:09 pm rating: +3
- #11.3 Grade Ape
  
  The ultra glossy “icing” looks like ketchup… and THAT would be a treat not to eat
  
  Sep 12, 2008 at 2:29 pm rating: +2
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#12 Jimmy Straightline

Next time I’m in Hallmark for that special occasion, I’ll have to check out the “Fuck You” section of greeting cards.

Sep 12, 2008 at 10:43 am rating: +25

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#13 Ti O

To my very special girl…
*opens card*
Fuck you and happy birthday!

Sep 12, 2008 at 10:47 am rating: +5

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- #13.1 Grade Ape
  
  To my very special girl… Fuck Me?
  
  Sep 12, 2008 at 2:31 pm rating: +2
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#14 Ti O

Look I got you “Fudgie” the Fuck you cake for your birthday!

Sep 12, 2008 at 10:50 am rating: +23

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- #14.1 trifioso
  
  OMG that made stuff come out of my nose! What a riot. CARVEL RULES!!!
  
  Sep 12, 2008 at 11:16 am rating: +2
- #14.2 Canthz_B
  
  …And Tom Carvel wept…
  
  Sep 12, 2008 at 11:28 am rating: +6
- #14.3 Ti O
  
  I ordered a pink Cookiepuss for Mishee’s Birthday but she said she didn’t want it that she preferred brown.
  
  Sep 12, 2008 at 2:16 pm rating: +2
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#15 madison

This is from Kerry’s (pan goddess) photo album. I think Kim made the cake for her birthday and now it is Kim’s day to celebrate.

Sep 12, 2008 at 10:56 am rating: +6

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#16 Canthz_B

Mmm…chocolate and government cheese cake! Looks like something served up in the Good Times apartment for JJ’s Birthday.

Sep 12, 2008 at 11:03 am rating: +8

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- #16.1 Ti O
  
  DYNOMITE!!!
  
  Sep 12, 2008 at 11:20 am rating: +4
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#17 0falcon8

fuck you! i took a shit in a pan, spread my yeast infection on top, and guess what? my period came early!
enjoy!

Sep 12, 2008 at 11:22 am rating: +6

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#18 finikki

Wow, passive aggressive baking. It’s like a whole new domestic world has just opened up!

Next up:
-PAlaundry (sorry honey, I forgot to wash your golf pants)
-PAshowering (sorry honey, I forgot to shave my underarms)
-PAgroceries (sorry honey, I forgot to buy beer)
-PAtelevision (sorry honey, I forgot to record the game)

And the grand master of domestic PA:
-PAsex (sorry honey, I forgot to take aspirin)

Sep 12, 2008 at 11:43 am rating: +1

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- #18.1 Bellabeastie
  
  Next on “Emeril Live!” how to plan the perfect birthday meal for that perfect roommate!!
  
  Finished off with his trademark recipe - The Fuck You Cake !!
  
  Don’t forget to join us for this special episode !!
  
  Sep 12, 2008 at 3:35 pm rating: +1
- #18.2 Miss Unloop
  
  BAM!!!!! Fuck you!!!!
  
  Sep 13, 2008 at 10:55 pm rating: +3
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#19 Quite Contrary

The roommate never said she made a good cake.

Sep 12, 2008 at 11:43 am rating: +2

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#20 Goldie

You guys do realize there are no candles on the cake YET? Stephen King’s “Misery” comes to mind. If I were the birthday girl, I’d guard my thumbs like hell and prepare to run when the roommate comes in with a saw.

Sep 12, 2008 at 11:48 am rating: 0

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- #20.1 Toopillow
  
  So this would be the version of Kathy Bates that encourages swearing and if you don’t insert a curse word in every sentence she boxes your ears!
  
  “The saw’s to cut the cake with, darling!”
  
  Sep 12, 2008 at 2:36 pm rating: 0
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#21 secondsout

this cake is brilliant. Kudos to Kim!

Sep 12, 2008 at 12:33 pm rating: +2

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#22 Chinchillazilla

Aww, I think it’s cute.

Sep 12, 2008 at 12:38 pm rating: +4

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#23 Fresca

Team Roommate! That cake is awesomeness.

Sep 12, 2008 at 1:15 pm rating: +7

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#24 GhostWriter

You can’t just whip up a batch of Rice Crispy Treats, cover them with Hershey’s syrup, lay down a slab of fine creamery butter, and call it a “Birthday Cake!”

Sep 12, 2008 at 1:58 pm rating: +2

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- #24.1 Mark
  
  “We take eighteen ounces of sizzling ground beef, and soak it in rich, creamery butter, then we top it off with bacon, ham, and a fried egg. We call it the Good Morning Burger.”
  
  Sep 12, 2008 at 2:15 pm rating: +2
- #24.2 monstrosity
  
  Mark, that’s a load of rich, creamery butter.
  
  Sep 12, 2008 at 2:51 pm rating: 0
- #24.3 Ti O
  
  Mark you have obviously eaten at the Heart Attack Grill before.
  
  http://www.heartattackgrill.com/
  
  Sep 12, 2008 at 3:21 pm rating: 0
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#25 Boo_Radley

Ooooooh, A post it!!! I thought it looked like a Kraft (TM) single with ketchup on it.

Sep 12, 2008 at 2:14 pm rating: +1

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- #25.1 jayne
  
  that’s exactly what i thought. it made the cake all the less appealing.
  
  Sep 12, 2008 at 9:24 pm rating: 0
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#26 Ryan

To quote our friend Ash from Army of Darkness….

“Don’t, it’s a trick!”

Sep 12, 2008 at 3:37 pm rating: 0

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- #26.1 Mark
  
  You mean, “It’s a trick, get an axe.”
  
  First you wanna kill me, then you wanna kiss me.
  *spit*
  Blow.
  
  Sep 12, 2008 at 3:47 pm rating: 0
- #26.2 Wade
  
  Groovy.
  
  Sep 12, 2008 at 5:13 pm rating: 0
- #26.3 Jahzzie
  
  “That was just what we call pillow talk, Baby”
  
  Sep 13, 2008 at 12:44 am rating: 0
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#27 toadmama

That’s awesome!

Sep 12, 2008 at 5:36 pm rating: +1

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#28 claw71

I think this is exactly the sort of thing that got Marie Antoinette beheaded.

Sep 12, 2008 at 6:54 pm rating: +3

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#29 secondsout

Next year, Kerry should say that she doesn’t need cash. Then she can get a $100 bill with post-it that says, “fuck you, I got you cash anyway!” PAN, but cash, too.

Sep 12, 2008 at 7:40 pm rating: +4

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#30 aeauas

fuck yeah! i love that fucking cake!

http://www.doyax.com

Sep 12, 2008 at 8:04 pm rating: 0

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- #30.1 secondsout
  
  Fuck you for spamming us! Asshole!
  
  Sep 12, 2008 at 8:08 pm rating: +3
- #30.2 fantasy
  
  I agree. Hasn’t he figured out that doing it is so much more fun than just looking??? What is he some kind of Nerd peeping Tom who still lives in Mommy’s basement!
  
  Sep 12, 2008 at 8:32 pm rating: +1
- #30.3 bellabeastie
  
  Douchebag. Asspanda… get an effin’ life Freak-a-zoid. I won’t even validate you by mentioning your name.
  
  Sep 12, 2008 at 11:15 pm rating: +1

painfully polite and hilariously hostile writings from shared spaces the world over

“i don’t need a birthday cake,” i said.

September 12th, 2008 · 109 comments

109 responses so far ↓