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119 responses so far ↓
#1
Quite Contrary
Dear Sean,
No, I’m not retarded. Just hungover.
Love,
Peter
Sep 28, 2008 at 6:41 pm rating: 18
#2
Canthz_B
That cupcake must have seriously sucked. “Why?!?”, because it was baked by a retard.
Sep 28, 2008 at 6:45 pm rating: 2
#3
cucumber
Maybe he’s working on an art deco compost pile, geez. Some people are so presumptive!
Sep 28, 2008 at 6:45 pm rating: 0
#4
Canthz_B
21st Century apple-coring is an art form worthy of praise.
Don’t knock it until you’ve tried it.
Sep 28, 2008 at 6:48 pm rating: 0
#5
Denagh
One word can say so very much. I LOVE the fork in the cupcake. And yeah I worry about Peter’s lack of mind power…..
Sep 28, 2008 at 7:07 pm rating: 2
#6
Obstreperous B
So, is the “Seriously?” in reference to the apple core’s location, or its perfect cylindricality?
Sep 28, 2008 at 7:07 pm rating: 14
#7
borninahandbag
The cupcake reminds me of something my old roommate did once, which I failed to document:
After someone left a large quantity of crumbs on the kitchen counter for a day or so, she left a post-it note that read, “why” next to the crumbs… having shaped said crumbs into a question mark.
Sep 28, 2008 at 7:08 pm rating: 38
#8
Canthz_B
Retarded, Sean?
With a name like Smucker’s, it has to be good!
–Peter
Sep 28, 2008 at 7:09 pm rating: 4
#9
summer
I don’t care, that apple was fucking delicious!
Sep 28, 2008 at 7:18 pm rating: 0
#10
BurstingAtTheSeams
Why is there a wet halo around the apple? That’s what I’d like to know. Seriously!
Sep 28, 2008 at 7:20 pm rating: 1
#11
summer
so…striped arrows indicate anger?!?!
Sep 28, 2008 at 7:20 pm rating: 3
#12
Shannon
I have a sudden urge to go on a date with this Sean dude.
Sep 28, 2008 at 7:56 pm rating: 4
#13
fantasy
I totally can relate to the cupcake note.
I say if something isn’t “Excellent” then it just isn’t worth it. The cupcake most assuredly was frosted with canned frosting and made with a crappy mix. Now may I ask, “Would you finish it”?
If it is not made with real buttercream frosting, it is surely lacking!
Sep 28, 2008 at 8:02 pm rating: 1
#14
fantasy
Seriously?
I just love perfect apple cores, they are a work of art.
Apples come to us perfectly made and we should give them the respect they deserve by leaving them perfectly cored!
Sep 28, 2008 at 8:08 pm rating: 0
#15
JesFoolin
Unless someone’s left a brown snake on the table, I think it would be easier to toss it than write the PAN. Although there is a bit of poetry whenever one uses the rhetorical “Are you retarded?” Limerick anyone?
Sep 28, 2008 at 8:08 pm rating: 0
#16
fantasy
What Adam said to Eve.
“Seriously? Do you really think you should have done that? Here let me show you how to do it right!” So we now have the perfectly cored Apple!
Moral of story, “It wasn’t all Eve’s doing”!
Sep 28, 2008 at 8:14 pm rating: 2
#17
fantasy
Sure does look like Peter could screw up someone’s perfectly good morning.
He is not worth a PA note. You have to really get your point across with a dumbass like him.
I would have took the time to scrape what was left of that jam into one of his favorite pair of shoes! Dumb retard! He probably wouldn’t even notice.
Sep 28, 2008 at 8:26 pm rating: 0
#18
Canthz_B
That’s not an apple core, it’s “Bill” from Schoolhouse Rock!
I thought he’d be a Law by now.
Sep 28, 2008 at 8:27 pm rating: 22
#19
lindsey
haha, i think i might know one of these guys.
Sep 28, 2008 at 8:33 pm rating: 0
#20
aaa
What? No reference to the Family Guy episode where Peter finds out he’s technically retarded?
Sep 28, 2008 at 9:11 pm rating: 0
#21
0falcon8
1) yup
2) because
3) tunafish
Sep 28, 2008 at 9:19 pm rating: 2
#22
bean
If you have to ask, you’ll never know.
Sep 28, 2008 at 9:35 pm rating: 0
#23
HS
I’m just wondering what Peter did with the jam BEFORE it ended up upside down on the counter…
Sep 28, 2008 at 10:08 pm rating: 1
#24
Canthz_B
You can always tell when Adrian Monk has been in your apple orchard.
Sep 28, 2008 at 10:09 pm rating: 15
#25
Canthz_B
Peter Peter Smucker’s eater,
Can’t you keep this place much neater?
I’ve asked you before, ring a bell?
Are you retarded? What the Hell?!
Sep 28, 2008 at 10:23 pm rating: 34
#26
Canthz_B
Some people see cupcakes and ask, “Why?!?”,
I dream of layer cakes and ask, “Why not?”
Sep 28, 2008 at 10:28 pm rating: 20
#27
Claire
Ich ein Berliner…or was it “cupcake” instead of a jelly donut?
Sep 28, 2008 at 11:11 pm rating: 0
#28
claw71
As the doctor walked in she noticed the binder full of pamphlets and her heart sank. Doctor’s don’t hand you pamphlets if everything is OK. They don’t bite their lower lips if there’s nothing wrong with your child.
“Is it a birth defect,” She asked desperately as the Doctor sat down.
He smiled and said, “No, Ma’am. Peter’s not suffering from any sort of birth defect or brain damage. In fact, Peter’s a bright child with a healthy and active imagination and above average cognitive skills.”
“So what’s wrong with him? Is he crazy?”
“No, not at all, ” the doctor said in that calming manner doctors learn in their final year of med school. “Peter suffers from a rare form of dyslexia. Object-oriented spatial dyslexia, to be precise.”
She stared on.
The doctor nodded. ” You see, Peter has trouble recognizing where things are supposed to go, so when he’s trying to make toast sometimes his brain connects to putting a tape in the VCR. Or he’ll pour milk directly into the box of cereal. Most commonly he’ll simply set things upside down.”
“So what can I do?”
“These pamphlets will provide you with some helpful ideas as to how to help Peter to look at things in a way that will help him minimize the effects of his disorder. ”
As they drove home Peter sat quietly, nervously. His mother could only smile. Finally he looked over at her and asked, “Am I retarded, Mom?”
She looked back at him and felt the full force of her love. “No honey. You’re not retarded. You’re Spatial.”
Sep 29, 2008 at 7:21 am rating: 57
#29
Woman on the Verge
Dear Sean,
I was wondering when you would notice me. I am, indeed, retarded. I have been trying to catch the eye of a certain fucktard (read: you) for ages and when I saw you looking longingly at the smuckers and licking your lips whilst rubbing your nipples I thought that perhaps this was the way to your slightly demented heart.
Love,
Peter
Sep 29, 2008 at 7:27 am rating: 2
#30
Dare
I think Sean was only PO’d because Peter left the Smuckers to run all over his invitation to the Polish Embassy’s Annual Ball.
Sep 29, 2008 at 8:59 am rating: 3
#31
Andy
Nope.
I was just joshin’ ya!
Lovingly,
Andy
Sep 29, 2008 at 9:06 am rating: 0
#32
GhostWriter
Seriously, are you planning to waste the most nutritious part of that apple; the pulp near its core?
Sep 29, 2008 at 10:48 am rating: 1
#33
secondsout
So who sent in the pictures of the notes?
Was it Peter? If so, he must be retarded for opening himself up for the vicious scrutiny of the PANoply.
Was it Sean? If so, Sean, in addition to Peter, must be retarded, as self-submissions are usually frowned upon and grounds for Sean himself to be savaged.
Was it a third party? Perhaps, someone who thinks Sean and Peter are retarded.
With three possibilities upon the table, Sean has a 66% chance of being retarded, and Peter a confirmed retard.
Sep 29, 2008 at 12:13 pm rating: 2
#34
claw71
Why indeed.
Plastic forks present a number of serious problems. They aren’t exactly “green” are they? Sure, you don’t have to wash them…unless you’re on a fixed income…but they’re a petroleum-based commodity. Why don’t you just send OPEC a personal check?
And who uses utensils on cupcakes anyway? The whole point of a cupcake is that it can be eaten without utensils. Marie Antoinette made that mistake when she gave the peasants regular cake and forks to eat it with. If she’d have had the presence of mind to provide those angry peasants with cupcakes or petit fours the people would have remained unarmed and ill-equipped to storm the palace.
Sep 29, 2008 at 12:33 pm rating: 6
#35
claw71
Peter Peter, muffin eater
Spilled Smuckers’ on Sean’s Trapper Keeper
A little dumb and it should be regarded
that it’s possible he is retarded.
Sep 29, 2008 at 12:37 pm rating: 8
#36
GhostWriter
…and then Peter picked up the gag spilt-Smuckers-jelly-jar he bought at Spencer Gifts, and yelled, “Who’s retarded now??“
Sep 29, 2008 at 12:59 pm rating: 2
#37
GhostWriter
Upon further analysis, I now argue that Sean was the retarded one.
The thick fruity chunks in the jam wouldn’t just leak out through the pressed top- somebody must have picked up the jar (possibly cleaning up after his brother??) and out it all came!
“Damn!” Sean scowled, “I fall for it every time!”
Sep 29, 2008 at 1:46 pm rating: 2
#38
bobby
Not cleaning up after yourself is lazy and unsanitary. Using the garbage as a weapon against your roommate is crazy and passive-aggressive.
Sep 29, 2008 at 2:40 pm rating: 0
#39
JuanRojas
“Seriously?”
Looks like a Grey’s Anatomy fan.
Sep 29, 2008 at 3:48 pm rating: 1
#40
thanxsomuchjane
peter is clearly unitarded.
Oct 2, 2008 at 5:17 pm rating: 0
#41
Dinka
Holy crap…I know this post was from a million years ago, but I had to comment.
My dad always tells me this story about when he stole a bunch of cheese and salami from the campus store at his college in the middle of the night (damn hippies!), and how he was running from the police with it. He ended up jumping in the fountain in the middle of campus to hide, but, by then, all the cheese and salami was waterlogged and inedible.
I can’t believe that they’re JUST NOW getting invested in finding him.
Idiots.
Feb 27, 2009 at 3:49 pm rating: 0
#42
Fk
Another example of what differentiates PA people from the rest of the bunch-
Normal people would clear that mess and then bitch about it to whoever did it.
PA people first bitch about it with a note, but won’t clear it up themselves.
And there are those who would clean up before (or after) and leave a PA note.
Mar 7, 2011 at 5:17 pm rating: 0
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