related: Two words: missing tarantula.
FILED UNDER: confusion??? · family · food · office · Ontario · signed with love · Texas
No, I’m not retarded. Just hungover.
Sep 28, 2008 at 6:41 pm rating: 18
Sep 28, 2008 at 11:14 pm rating: 9
Retarded in what respect, Sean?
Sep 29, 2008 at 9:38 am rating: 3
No, your retarded!
Or is that, your retarded peter…………
Sep 29, 2008 at 4:34 pm rating: 1
That cupcake must have seriously sucked. “Why?!?”, because it was baked by a retard.
Sep 28, 2008 at 6:45 pm rating: 2
Peter is not retarded…obviously he is preparing for his art exhibit at the Art Institute in Chicago…”Kitchen Mess”
Sep 28, 2008 at 11:13 pm rating: 10
Obviously, CB, that cupcake was fucking NOT delicious…..
Hmm, I thought I already said it wasn’t delicious.
You get to wear the unitard inside out for that one, Claire!
Sep 28, 2008 at 11:53 pm rating: 0
Aw, but the seams will all be on the outside and they won’t chafe her skin!
Sep 29, 2008 at 12:23 am rating: 0
I agree. It’s a damn cupcake. No one takes one bite of a cupcake and then leaves it, unless it’s just horrifically bad. A cupcake practically IS one bite when you love cupcakes, which everyone does.
Sep 29, 2008 at 7:46 am rating: 5
Maybe he’s working on an art deco compost pile, geez. Some people are so presumptive!
Sep 28, 2008 at 6:45 pm rating: 0
21st Century apple-coring is an art form worthy of praise.
Don’t knock it until you’ve tried it.
Sep 28, 2008 at 6:48 pm rating: 0
One word can say so very much. I LOVE the fork in the cupcake. And yeah I worry about Peter’s lack of mind power…..
Sep 28, 2008 at 7:07 pm rating: 2
So, is the “Seriously?” in reference to the apple core’s location, or its perfect cylindricality?
Sep 28, 2008 at 7:07 pm rating: 14
The cupcake reminds me of something my old roommate did once, which I failed to document:
After someone left a large quantity of crumbs on the kitchen counter for a day or so, she left a post-it note that read, “why” next to the crumbs… having shaped said crumbs into a question mark.
Sep 28, 2008 at 7:08 pm rating: 38
That sounds like something my old roommate would have done. It really fits considering that she was behind the note that the cat allegedly wrote to me asking me to clean the litter box.
Sep 28, 2008 at 9:41 pm rating: 5
With a name like Smucker’s, it has to be good!
Sep 28, 2008 at 7:09 pm rating: 4
I don’t care, that apple was fucking delicious!
Sep 28, 2008 at 7:18 pm rating: 0
I know what’s coming about the unitard, but I don’t know the history. I know, I know, Michelle ate her roomie’s bread that was fucking delicious, and some manager was getting onto his employees about their unitards. But how or when did these two things become inter-related? Please explain!
The suspense is making me nervous annd jittery.
Sep 28, 2008 at 7:25 pm rating: 1
I second this unitard enlightenment program.
Sep 28, 2008 at 7:43 pm rating: 2
Because no punishment is better than a unitard for a dead, cliched phrase like “fucking delicious.”
Sep 28, 2008 at 7:46 pm rating: 4
If you will look over there under “Greatest Hits”
you will see a link labeled “the unitard”.
Click on it and read the comments.
Sep 28, 2008 at 7:56 pm rating: 3
BTW, summer, put it on. You’ve earned it.
Sep 28, 2008 at 8:18 pm rating: 2
Quoting from GhostWriter way back when (in reference to the future use of all things unitard):
This hidden gem screams for recurrence, as in:
“Mishee, that was your fifth typo today- now you must wear the unitard!”
Join the campaign to unseat “fucking delicious” in 2008!
Consider ourselves enlightened.
Sep 28, 2008 at 8:20 pm rating: 3
In the interest of full PANlightenment, and also quoting GW referring to Troy’s comment:
“I think we have to go with the secret meaning, “You are Untruth’s wet maid”…”
for the true meaning of wearing the Unitard.
Sep 28, 2008 at 8:44 pm rating: 2
For any review of classic Unitard moments, we must not forget:
Cassandra’s Bowie’s Multimedia Masterpiece
Sound & Vision, indeed!
Sep 29, 2008 at 10:31 am rating: 0
That unitard was fucking delicious?
Sep 30, 2008 at 5:10 pm rating: 1
Why is there a wet halo around the apple? That’s what I’d like to know. Seriously!
Sep 28, 2008 at 7:20 pm rating: 1
Um, apple juice?
Sep 28, 2008 at 7:43 pm rating: 1
Don’t you know that we all pee ourselves when we die? Apples are no exception.
Sep 28, 2008 at 7:46 pm rating: 54
Some day “The Shroud of Apple” will be worth a fortune because of that stain.
Sep 28, 2008 at 7:58 pm rating: 17
the apple core is weeping because it knows that it was placed on a paper towel that was clearly meant to be used in the bathroom, not the kitchen
Sep 28, 2008 at 10:09 pm rating: 27
Well, thank gawd, ofalcon8, that the toothbrushes were safely in the bathroom when this fruity faux pas was committed…eww! Did the apple get fecal matter upon it before or after being consumed?
Sep 28, 2008 at 11:18 pm rating: 0
Rube 1: “Where’d that weird apple stain come from?”
Rube 2: “…in cider, apparently!“
Sep 29, 2008 at 10:35 am rating: 3
Nothing could be finer than a nice Dicken’s Cider.
Sep 29, 2008 at 1:29 pm rating: 2
Even the preacher’s wife likes a little Dickens’ Cider.
Sep 29, 2008 at 1:36 pm rating: 1
Even though I’ve read comment “10 several times snce yesterday and know exactly what it really says, my mind keeps insisting that it says:
Why is there a wet halo around the nipple?
Sep 29, 2008 at 4:27 pm rating: 0
When you cut an apple with that cool eight section apple cutter from Bed Bath and Beyond, you get that perfectly round core—ever notice that core is exactly the size of the hole in the center of your garbage disposer?
Sep 29, 2008 at 4:39 pm rating: 0
Yeah, but those apple sectioner and corer things are unitaskers, and the only unitasker in the kitchen should be the fire extinguisher.
Go Alton Brown.
Sep 29, 2008 at 4:58 pm rating: 3
Go team Alton Brown!!!
(looks out for CB and Mish with the unitards)
Oct 1, 2008 at 6:32 pm rating: 0
so…striped arrows indicate anger?!?!
Sep 28, 2008 at 7:20 pm rating: 3
In abnormal psychology 101, we learned that if a person has doodles featuring arrows, it indicates a desire for sex…or is that an anger that there is not enough sex?
Sep 28, 2008 at 11:20 pm rating: 0
I wonder what it means that I’ve adopted arrows to indicate “action items” in my notes whenever we have a team meeting at work, then….
Sep 29, 2008 at 3:41 am rating: 3
I have a sudden urge to go on a date with this Sean dude.
Sep 28, 2008 at 7:56 pm rating: 4
Imagine this question on a blue post it note with a striped question mark.
Sep 28, 2008 at 9:42 pm rating: 1
Single and available. Totally into anonymous chicks on the Internets!
I am the same Sean who left the note, though, honestly. Don’t make me prove it by doing the line! Peter is my brother and had the bad habit of leaving inexplicable messes everywhere – jam upside-down, enormous balls of wadded, chewed, sloppy gum left on wooden surfaces, miscellaneous goo on the carpet, tea bags in the sink…
I just started to wonder. But it’s great having him around. He made our house a (group) home.
Sep 28, 2008 at 10:09 pm rating: 12
better to have tea bags in the sink than in your mouth!
Sep 28, 2008 at 10:13 pm rating: 4
“Peter had”, Sean? Did you eventually break your brother of this habit of leaving messes or is he no longer allowed indoors…
Ooh, I hope he does not “handle his business”
Sep 28, 2008 at 11:23 pm rating: 0
This internet attraction
May blossom into passion
We’ll get to see
Some Sean-on-Shannon action
Sep 29, 2008 at 6:14 am rating: 13
Tea bags in the sink? No wonder you speak of poor Peter in past tense. Let me guess – the garbage disposal was on.
Sep 29, 2008 at 9:26 am rating: 0
I have two teenage boys and the Sean/Peter note looked like a lot of the ones I find around my house. You can just feel the brotherly love. I’m probably too old to date you, Sean, but you did make me miss my children. *sniffle*
Sep 29, 2008 at 9:28 am rating: 0
Sean, you had us at, “…enormous balls.”
Sep 29, 2008 at 10:37 am rating: 10
sounds more like a project than a habit, sean
Sep 29, 2008 at 2:37 pm rating: 0
“better to have tea bags in the sink than in your mouth!”
Speak for yourself, ofalcon8 (although I also enjoy them resting on my eyes).
Sep 29, 2008 at 7:02 pm rating: 0
I totally can relate to the cupcake note.
I say if something isn’t “Excellent” then it just isn’t worth it. The cupcake most assuredly was frosted with canned frosting and made with a crappy mix. Now may I ask, “Would you finish it”?
If it is not made with real buttercream frosting, it is surely lacking!
Sep 28, 2008 at 8:02 pm rating: 1
I just love perfect apple cores, they are a work of art.
Apples come to us perfectly made and we should give them the respect they deserve by leaving them perfectly cored!
Sep 28, 2008 at 8:08 pm rating: 0
Unless someone’s left a brown snake on the table, I think it would be easier to toss it than write the PAN. Although there is a bit of poetry whenever one uses the rhetorical “Are you retarded?” Limerick anyone?
I once had some roommates
who sure were bad fuckers.
They would put up their bread
but leave out their Smuckers!
Take it from me:
It’s best to emote
not with your mouth
but through a note.
So I sucked in my anger
And then I got started
I pressed the pen hard
and wrote: “Are you retarded?”
Sep 28, 2008 at 8:32 pm rating: 26
there were three questions posited sarcastically
regarding three food items left hapazardly
an apple stripped to the core,
a cupcake with one bite and no more,
and some jam left by a retard, unabashedly
Sep 28, 2008 at 10:48 pm rating: 26
Is this brown snake any relation to the albino python?
Sep 29, 2008 at 9:37 pm rating: 0
What Adam said to Eve.
“Seriously? Do you really think you should have done that? Here let me show you how to do it right!” So we now have the perfectly cored Apple!
Moral of story, “It wasn’t all Eve’s doing”!
Sep 28, 2008 at 8:14 pm rating: 2
Sure does look like Peter could screw up someone’s perfectly good morning.
He is not worth a PA note. You have to really get your point across with a dumbass like him.
I would have took the time to scrape what was left of that jam into one of his favorite pair of shoes! Dumb retard! He probably wouldn’t even notice.
Sep 28, 2008 at 8:26 pm rating: 0
That’s not an apple core, it’s “Bill” from Schoolhouse Rock!
I thought he’d be a Law by now.
Sep 28, 2008 at 8:27 pm rating: 22
I’m too lazy to make some scathingly witty comment about the state of Congress right now, so I’ll just give you twenty points for the Schoolhouse Rock reference.
Sep 28, 2008 at 9:09 pm rating: 3
CB you are my personal God.
*whispers* Can we get married now??
Sep 28, 2008 at 11:11 pm rating: 0
it’s a long, long wait
while I’m sitting in committee…
Sep 29, 2008 at 12:25 am rating: 2
Remember the Simpsons episode from long back, where they have the amendment-to-be song?
I’m an amendment to be, an amendment to be and I’m hopin’ that they’ll ratify me, well there’s a lot of flag burners who’ve got too much freedom, I wanna make it legal for policemen to beat ‘em cuz there’s limits to our liberty…. at least I hope and pray that there are cuz those liberal freaks go too far…..
Sep 29, 2008 at 2:25 pm rating: 1
haha, i think i might know one of these guys.
Sep 28, 2008 at 8:33 pm rating: 0
What? No reference to the Family Guy episode where Peter finds out he’s technically retarded?
Sep 28, 2008 at 9:11 pm rating: 0
I think the word was “Petarded,” if I recall.
Sep 29, 2008 at 1:10 pm rating: 0
Sep 28, 2008 at 9:19 pm rating: 2
…….that’s retarded falcon!
Sep 28, 2008 at 9:37 pm rating: 2
have you seen my baseball?
Sep 28, 2008 at 10:15 pm rating: 3
If you have to ask, you’ll never know.
Sep 28, 2008 at 9:35 pm rating: 0
I’m just wondering what Peter did with the jam BEFORE it ended up upside down on the counter…
Sep 28, 2008 at 10:08 pm rating: 1
I think he was making toast, and then decided procuring the jam from the bottom of the jar was too difficult. So he turned it upside-down, without putting the cap on correctly.
Maybe not the answer you were looking for, but how’s that for slice-of-life!
Sep 28, 2008 at 10:11 pm rating: 4
Not nearly the answer.
I thought he was testing Newton’s theories on gravity…If an apple falls to Earth, do strawberry preserves follow the same pattern?
This could be crucial to our understanding of the universe!
Sep 28, 2008 at 10:41 pm rating: 0
Ever seen “one guy, one jar?”
Mar 7, 2011 at 5:15 pm rating: 0
You can always tell when Adrian Monk has been in your apple orchard.
Sep 28, 2008 at 10:09 pm rating: 15
Peter Peter Smucker’s eater,
Can’t you keep this place much neater?
I’ve asked you before, ring a bell?
Are you retarded? What the Hell?!
Sep 28, 2008 at 10:23 pm rating: 34
clean up yo mess, mothersmucker!
Sep 28, 2008 at 10:53 pm rating: 16
Some people see cupcakes and ask, “Why?!?”,
I dream of layer cakes and ask, “Why not?”
Sep 28, 2008 at 10:28 pm rating: 20
What I wanna know is “Why is the phrase ‘fucking delicious’ so awful now?” I liked it. It makes me laugh.
Oct 2, 2008 at 11:05 pm rating: 0
I don’t find it awful. I find it the most fucking delicious quote on this fucking awesome website. Those that wish to fucking delete it from my fucking vernacular are fucking retarded and fucking jealous—and should go fuck themselves since it wouldn’t be much fun for anyone else to fuck them!
Oct 3, 2008 at 11:21 am rating: 2
Ich ein Berliner…or was it “cupcake” instead of a jelly donut?
High School Teacher
“Ich bin ein Berliner” is what he said.
Sep 30, 2008 at 3:30 pm rating: 0
As the doctor walked in she noticed the binder full of pamphlets and her heart sank. Doctor’s don’t hand you pamphlets if everything is OK. They don’t bite their lower lips if there’s nothing wrong with your child.
“Is it a birth defect,” She asked desperately as the Doctor sat down.
He smiled and said, “No, Ma’am. Peter’s not suffering from any sort of birth defect or brain damage. In fact, Peter’s a bright child with a healthy and active imagination and above average cognitive skills.”
“So what’s wrong with him? Is he crazy?”
“No, not at all, ” the doctor said in that calming manner doctors learn in their final year of med school. “Peter suffers from a rare form of dyslexia. Object-oriented spatial dyslexia, to be precise.”
She stared on.
The doctor nodded. ” You see, Peter has trouble recognizing where things are supposed to go, so when he’s trying to make toast sometimes his brain connects to putting a tape in the VCR. Or he’ll pour milk directly into the box of cereal. Most commonly he’ll simply set things upside down.”
“So what can I do?”
“These pamphlets will provide you with some helpful ideas as to how to help Peter to look at things in a way that will help him minimize the effects of his disorder. ”
As they drove home Peter sat quietly, nervously. His mother could only smile. Finally he looked over at her and asked, “Am I retarded, Mom?”
She looked back at him and felt the full force of her love. “No honey. You’re not retarded. You’re Spatial.”
Sep 29, 2008 at 7:21 am rating: 57
wow, you continually impress me!
i’m not going to join the long line waiting to be molested by you but i will continue to admire from a far.
Sep 29, 2008 at 10:48 am rating: 0
Ok, I’ve seen long comments from Claw before and skipped them. I only read this one because it was rated so high. Have I been missing out or is this just a rare gem?
Sep 29, 2008 at 12:58 pm rating: 0
Are you retarded?
Sep 29, 2008 at 1:06 pm rating: 5
Claw is awesome and brilliant.
Sep 29, 2008 at 3:09 pm rating: 1
No. I suck. I used an apostrophe where I shouldn’t have. I’m so disgusted with myself.
Sep 29, 2008 at 3:15 pm rating: 1
Oh? You suck? How exciting!
I didn’t know you liked to be degraded though.
Sep 29, 2008 at 3:43 pm rating: 1
Oh, I’m a sick and twisted freak. I like all kinds of things. Sometimes I think I make mistakes just so somebody will punish me.
Sep 29, 2008 at 3:47 pm rating: 0
Really? So am I! I’m a bottom and I thought you were a top, but now it seems like you’re a sometimes bottom? Does that mean we have to find someone else to punish us both?
Sep 29, 2008 at 3:59 pm rating: 0
Top? Where would you get that idea? It’s not like I ever come off as aggressive or assertive. I’m a PAN twink. Everybody knows it.
Oh, and we won’t have to find anybody…they’ll find us.
Sep 29, 2008 at 4:20 pm rating: 0
“i’m not going to join the long line waiting to be molested by you but i will continue to admire from a far.”
Well I’m in that line, albeit somewhere to the rear of RunBarbara and Mishee (although I did offer to coach them on their trailer-hitch polishing skills if they would let me cut in line). Seriously, I have to confess I scroll down a new thread looking for comments by Claw.
Sep 29, 2008 at 7:11 pm rating: 0
Woman on the Verge
I was wondering when you would notice me. I am, indeed, retarded. I have been trying to catch the eye of a certain fucktard (read: you) for ages and when I saw you looking longingly at the smuckers and licking your lips whilst rubbing your nipples I thought that perhaps this was the way to your slightly demented heart.
Sep 29, 2008 at 7:27 am rating: 2
Um. Uh. Gee.
You are aware they are brothers?
Sep 29, 2008 at 8:47 am rating: 0
That hasn’t stopped people before. I mean, why else would there be creepy incestuous porn stories on the internet? Ah, the internet! Without you, I wouldn’t have the opportunity to vomit at the descriptions of stories that feature “twincest.” *shudder*
Sep 29, 2008 at 9:56 am rating: 2
Wow. If your stomach’s that weak, don’t sit next to me at parties.
Sep 29, 2008 at 7:14 pm rating: 1
“That reminds me of the time I was dating those twins, Coach.”
” Uh, Sam, those were your drinking days, and those weren’t twins.”
Oct 5, 2008 at 12:56 am rating: 0
I think Sean was only PO’d because Peter left the Smuckers to run all over his invitation to the Polish Embassy’s Annual Ball.
Sep 29, 2008 at 8:59 am rating: 3
I was just joshin’ ya!
Sep 29, 2008 at 9:06 am rating: 0
Seriously, are you planning to waste the most nutritious part of that apple; the pulp near its core?
Sep 29, 2008 at 10:48 am rating: 1
Is he gonna eat that core or can I have it?
Oct 2, 2008 at 4:45 am rating: 0
So who sent in the pictures of the notes?
Was it Peter? If so, he must be retarded for opening himself up for the vicious scrutiny of the PANoply.
Was it Sean? If so, Sean, in addition to Peter, must be retarded, as self-submissions are usually frowned upon and grounds for Sean himself to be savaged.
Was it a third party? Perhaps, someone who thinks Sean and Peter are retarded.
With three possibilities upon the table, Sean has a 66% chance of being retarded, and Peter a confirmed retard.
Sep 29, 2008 at 12:13 pm rating: 2
Plastic forks present a number of serious problems. They aren’t exactly “green” are they? Sure, you don’t have to wash them…unless you’re on a fixed income…but they’re a petroleum-based commodity. Why don’t you just send OPEC a personal check?
And who uses utensils on cupcakes anyway? The whole point of a cupcake is that it can be eaten without utensils. Marie Antoinette made that mistake when she gave the peasants regular cake and forks to eat it with. If she’d have had the presence of mind to provide those angry peasants with cupcakes or petit fours the people would have remained unarmed and ill-equipped to storm the palace.
Sep 29, 2008 at 12:33 pm rating: 6
i believe the fork was used as an aparatus on which to post the note.
Sep 29, 2008 at 2:38 pm rating: 0
I think Marie Antoinette was actually misquoted, Claw….
she said if the peasants could not afford bread, they should eat “the little cakes”….an idiom we would probably call “brioche”….or, a cheaper form of bread.
shall I duck for being a French history geek? or just enjoy the special feeling of wearing the g-string unitard backwards?
Oct 5, 2008 at 1:05 am rating: 0
Peter Peter, muffin eater
Spilled Smuckers’ on Sean’s Trapper Keeper
A little dumb and it should be regarded
that it’s possible he is retarded.
Sep 29, 2008 at 12:37 pm rating: 8
…and then Peter picked up the gag spilt-Smuckers-jelly-jar he bought at Spencer Gifts, and yelled, “Who’s retarded now??“
Sep 29, 2008 at 12:59 pm rating: 2
Upon further analysis, I now argue that Sean was the retarded one.
The thick fruity chunks in the jam wouldn’t just leak out through the pressed top- somebody must have picked up the jar (possibly cleaning up after his brother??) and out it all came!
“Damn!” Sean scowled, “I fall for it every time!”
Sep 29, 2008 at 1:46 pm rating: 2
Not cleaning up after yourself is lazy and unsanitary. Using the garbage as a weapon against your roommate is crazy and passive-aggressive.
Sep 29, 2008 at 2:40 pm rating: 0
And extremely effective.
Sep 29, 2008 at 7:51 pm rating: 0
Looks like a Grey’s Anatomy fan.
Sep 29, 2008 at 3:48 pm rating: 1
peter is clearly unitarded.
Oct 2, 2008 at 5:17 pm rating: 0
Holy crap…I know this post was from a million years ago, but I had to comment.
My dad always tells me this story about when he stole a bunch of cheese and salami from the campus store at his college in the middle of the night (damn hippies!), and how he was running from the police with it. He ended up jumping in the fountain in the middle of campus to hide, but, by then, all the cheese and salami was waterlogged and inedible.
I can’t believe that they’re JUST NOW getting invested in finding him.
Feb 27, 2009 at 3:49 pm rating: 0
Another example of what differentiates PA people from the rest of the bunch-
Normal people would clear that mess and then bitch about it to whoever did it.
PA people first bitch about it with a note, but won’t clear it up themselves.
And there are those who would clean up before (or after) and leave a PA note.
Mar 7, 2011 at 5:17 pm rating: 0
— The Beast Among Us
2011: The Top Notes of the Year
2010: The Funniest Notes of the Year
2009: The Best Notes of the Year
2008: Your Favorite Notes of the Year
Carnivores: keep being awesome!
actually totally reasonable
a little patronizing
clip art catastrophe
flowers, trees, houseplants & gardens
landlords and property managers
Moms & Dads
more aggressive than passive
most popular notes of 2010
most popular notes of 2011
most popular notes of 2012
most popular notes of 2013
now that's management
sex sex sex
signed with love
spelling and grammar police
thanks (but not really)
unnecessary "quotation marks"
You call that punctuation?