who moved my cheese?

September 29th, 2008 · 175 comments

presenting — in honor of british cheese week — three approaches to cheese thievery:

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FILED UNDER: cheese · stealing

175 responses so far ↓

#1 Katie

Who moved my cheese?

Sep 29, 2008 at 7:30 pm rating: +12

reply to this comment
- #1.1 claw71
  
  Probably the same person who absconded with your originality.
  
  Sep 29, 2008 at 8:59 pm rating: +92
- #1.2 aaa
  
  Repeating the title of the post? Jeez, that’s lazy.
  
  Sep 29, 2008 at 10:40 pm rating: +2
- #1.3 park rose
  
  Not noticing it was a duplicate of the title and giving a thumbs up to the OP comment makes me lazier still… or unobservant at the least.
  
  Who were the other 3 ?
  
  Sep 30, 2008 at 6:34 am rating: +12
- #1.4 Dare
  
  Ouch! Did anybody call 911 for Katie?
  
  Sep 30, 2008 at 8:54 am rating: +1
- #1.5 GhostWriter
  
  Who moved marches?
  
  Sep 30, 2008 at 4:29 pm rating: 0
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#2 anglophile

Fat free American cheese? You should be fucking the thief. As a thank you.

Sep 29, 2008 at 7:35 pm rating: +59

reply to this comment
- #2.1 morpho aurora
  
  is that stuff even considered real cheese? or is it marked “cheese food” (which is code for nasty)
  
  and glo♥ – knowing your high standards and PATDS status, i’m shocked you would encourage anyone to acknowledge the existence of someone who ate that stuff
  
  Sep 29, 2008 at 7:45 pm rating: +4
- #2.2 Ti O
  
  Cheese food is made of soylent green and we all know what that is made of, ’nuff said.
  :severegastrointestinaldistressface:
  
  Sep 29, 2008 at 7:53 pm rating: +8
- #2.3 Holiday Djinn
  
  I bet all this stolen cheese was really crappy any way.
  
  Seriously, none of these notes (or packages) seem to be the work of a Cheese Monger. I doubt it was a 4-year old Vermont Cheddar, or a Nice Peckerino-Ramano that was taken.
  
  Thieving, while evil can be excused and even forgiven, the same cannot be said for bad taste in cheese. Life is too short to eat crap cheese. That’s my stand.
  
  But hey, I’m a foody.
  
  Sep 30, 2008 at 8:02 am rating: +10
- #2.4 CremeBrulee
  
  Hee hee: “peckerino”
  
  Sep 30, 2008 at 9:55 am rating: +8
- #2.5 D
  
  The full name of it is “Pasteurized Processed Cheese Food Product.”
  
  Read: yellow plastic.
  
  Sep 30, 2008 at 10:46 am rating: +4
- #2.6 Kansas girl
  
  I always thought the “cheese food” label was reserved for products that you otherwise might not realize were intended to be edible. I’ve seen industrial adhesives that look more appetizing than most “cheese food.”
  
  Sep 30, 2008 at 11:07 am rating: +5
- #2.7 nestchick
  
  It was developed during WWI to feed the troops. American ingenuity!
  
  Sep 30, 2008 at 7:30 pm rating: 0
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#3 JoelWhy

Does the ‘fuck you’ note constitute campus ‘red’ alert of security?

Sep 29, 2008 at 7:35 pm rating: +5

reply to this comment
- #3.1 Kansas girl
  
  Wouldn’t it be “ree” alert level? Since the other note is claiming the level is “orangg.”
  
  Oct 9, 2008 at 11:04 am rating: +2
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#4 Donna Martin Graduates!

What a friend we have in cheeses.

Sep 29, 2008 at 7:36 pm rating: +45

reply to this comment
- #4.1 Mark
  
  I hate cheeses to peeses!
  
  Sep 29, 2008 at 7:41 pm rating: +4
- #4.2 D
  
  Cheeses is just all right with me.
  
  Sep 30, 2008 at 10:47 am rating: +12
- #4.3 K
  
  I’ll bet the use of all these puns Cheeses Christ!
  
  Sep 30, 2008 at 4:51 pm rating: +3
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#5 JoeInLA

This is actually a very sophisticated personality test, disguised as a series of seemingly unrelated cheese-related notes. The one (note, that is, not cheese) we like best says volumes about the kind of person we are.

Sep 29, 2008 at 7:48 pm rating: +1

reply to this comment
- #5.1 morpho aurora
  
  the first one is annoying – i keep hearing it as one breathless, high pitched whine
  the second is hysterical and not in a funny way – somebody needs their meds adjusted
  the third is perfect even if the writer’s choice of cheese isn’t
  
  Sep 29, 2008 at 8:06 pm rating: +8
- #5.2 Shane
  
  Cheeses love me, this I know.
  
  Sep 30, 2008 at 12:01 pm rating: +4
- #5.3 punkypower
  
  The third one is the best. Short, sweet and to the point, although I have to wonder which is worse – a person who gets bent out of shape about their missing fat free American cheese or somebody who would actually steal fat free American cheese.
  
  Sep 30, 2008 at 10:09 pm rating: +4
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#6 morpho aurora

is “orange” alert level the one where campus security actually wanders around checking on things? if so, those guys are probably gonna be hungrier than usual – cheese and salami make pretty good snacks
hope you brought enough for everyone

Sep 29, 2008 at 7:51 pm rating: +3

reply to this comment
- #6.1 bikerbabeee
  
  Morpho,
  
  The way it was explained to me the cheese theft terror alert scale is as follows;
  
  Green– No one cares, cheese was moldy anyway.
  
  Blue– Gorgonzola gone missing.
  sniff air for suspect, turn around and go back into campus coffee shop to finish doughnut.
  
  Yellow– Deli American has been lifted.
  BOLO issued, no further action taken.
  
  Orange– Someone stole the cheddar!
  Campus cops freak, start checking bathrooms for gastro-intestinal issues, and courtesy flushers.
  
  Red– Edam has been stolen with wanton abandon and shamelessness.
  Packs of co-eds are randomly stopped and strip-searched.
  
  Sep 29, 2008 at 11:21 pm rating: +32
- #6.2 Numinous
  
  Strip searches? Is claw there?
  
  Sep 30, 2008 at 2:40 pm rating: 0
- #6.3 claw71
  
  Of course I am, and if you’d be so kind as to wear a string cheese bikini I’d be more than happy to do a very thorough inspection of your person.
  
  Sep 30, 2008 at 3:04 pm rating: +2
- #6.4 Numinous
  
  You know, that sounds a bit more appetizing than those edible panties made of fruit roll up crap.
  
  Sep 30, 2008 at 3:07 pm rating: 0
- #6.5 claw71
  
  I know. A couple of years ago I picked up a pair to surprise my ex on Valentine’s Day. She decided it would be romantic to watch The English Patient together. As you can imagine, it wasn’t. Even if that movie could put you in the mood, by the time it finally came to a grinding halt my strawberry banana hammock had melted and my pants were sticking to me. It wasn’t pretty. Cheese would have been better.
  
  Sep 30, 2008 at 3:18 pm rating: +8
- #6.6 Numinous
  
  Eeeww. What a mess. I’m imagining that laundry day was not fun.
  
  Sep 30, 2008 at 4:31 pm rating: 0
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#7 Ti O

The cheese was probably taken by Clarence Beeks as part of some evil machinations by the Duke brothers.
Just saying.

Sep 29, 2008 at 7:59 pm rating: +3

reply to this comment
- #7.1 Saysh
  
  Betcha $1 that it wasn’t!
  
  Sep 30, 2008 at 12:50 am rating: +2
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#8 Wade

Was Sarah’s mistake:

a) Going to the fridge?

b) Finding the cheese opened, used and left unwrapped?

c) Failing to use all the colored markers at her disposal to write the note?

Sep 29, 2008 at 8:01 pm rating: +21

reply to this comment
- #8.1 anglophile
  
  I think the mistake was that she didn’t print up and laminate a full-color clip-art-laden sign or five.
  
  Sep 29, 2008 at 8:09 pm rating: +23
- #8.2 joyful
  
  How can Sarah be confused about what happened?
  
  Dear Sarah,
  
  Someone ate your cheese. It’s really not that confusing. Stop being such a whiny baby.
  
  Sincerely,
  Everyone
  
  Sep 29, 2008 at 8:18 pm rating: +37
- #8.3 Goldie
  
  Actually, she didn’t say it was eaten. It was open, and left unwrapped – big diff.
  
  Dear Sarah,
  
  Here’s what happened. Your roommate, while rooting through the fridge looking for the source of a nasty odor, happened upon your moldy cheese. He opened the package to confirm his suspicions that it was, indeed, your cheese stinking up the place. After opening and unwrapping the package, he fainted from the stench and initially passed away and is no longer with us, which is why he could not answer your note. I’m sure you will look great in an orange jumper, you homicidal, cheese-wielding bitch.
  
  Sincerely,
  Your Roommate’s Ghost
  
  Sep 30, 2008 at 10:36 am rating: +8
- #8.4 amy d
  
  Actually, she did say it was used, which implies eaten (or used in a recipe and then eaten) since we’re talking about food.
  
  Sep 30, 2008 at 10:40 am rating: +1
- #8.5 Goldie
  
  Oh crap, my bad. Well he did use it as a suicide weapon.
  Also, there’s a typo in my above post, the guy died “eventually” not “initially”. Need more coffee I guess. With those cheese crackers.
  
  Sep 30, 2008 at 11:18 am rating: 0
- #8.6 Shane
  
  Wait, you mean you shouldn’t use cheese in any manner other than to eat it?
  
  Guess I’m gonna fail Art class.
  
  Sep 30, 2008 at 12:08 pm rating: +1
- #8.7 Numinous
  
  Sarah’s mistake was thinking that note wouldn’t ENCOURAGE someone to molest her cheese the next time.
  
  Sep 30, 2008 at 2:43 pm rating: +1
- #8.8 bitchface
  
  Cheese molestation is a crime in 30 states.
  
  Sep 30, 2008 at 3:49 pm rating: 0
- #8.9 Ti O
  
  ahhhh cheese. Take in it’s musky scent and feel the ripe curves of the wheel in my hands. The soft and smooth texture dancing on the tip of my tongue.
  It isn’t a crime to enjoy a fine cheese.
  
  Sep 30, 2008 at 4:34 pm rating: +1
- #8.10 claw71
  
  Behold, the power of cheese.
  
  Sep 30, 2008 at 5:15 pm rating: 0
- #8.11 Mark
  
  I hanker for a hunka cheese.
  
  Sep 30, 2008 at 5:19 pm rating: +1
- #8.12 Bunnee
  
  You can make a WAGON WHEEL!!!
  
  Sep 30, 2008 at 5:42 pm rating: +2
- #8.13 jackie31337
  
  Let’s not forget the door-spreading potential, either.
  
  Oct 3, 2008 at 6:37 am rating: 0
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#9 JuanRojas

That cheese was fucking DELICIOUS.

Sep 29, 2008 at 8:05 pm rating: +7

reply to this comment
- #9.1 Lo
  
  I can’t believe it’s halfway down the page before anyone used “fucking delicious”.
  
  Sep 30, 2008 at 1:17 am rating: +1
- #9.2 Canthz_B
  
  That comment was fucking ~~original~~ unfortunate.
  
  Sep 30, 2008 at 1:59 am rating: +13
- #9.3 amy d
  
  I can’t believe that we can’t let that catch phrase go. Anyone who uses it henceforth shall be called a mothersmucker.
  
  (thanks falcon)
  
  Sep 30, 2008 at 8:48 am rating: +3
- #9.4 bellabeastie
  
  Or a motherbusker.
  
  (thanks CB)
  
  Sep 30, 2008 at 10:50 am rating: +2
- #9.5 Dedawwgg
  
  I can’t believe it took THIS long for someone to say it!! TANKS!
  
  Sep 30, 2008 at 2:31 pm rating: +1
- #9.6 Frankie
  
  Just let it die people. Just let it die.
  
  Sep 30, 2008 at 2:45 pm rating: 0
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#10 Woman on the Verge

Juan, meet the unitard. Put it on. NOW. You’ve earned it.

Sep 29, 2008 at 8:35 pm rating: +2

reply to this comment
- #10.1 morpho aurora
  
  so what’s the penalty for failure to gigglebrax?
  just for curiosity’s sake, ya know
  
  Sep 29, 2008 at 8:52 pm rating: 0
- #10.2 Woman on the Verge
  
  Crap. Okay, if Juan washes the unitard I’ll wear it next. Will it clash with my leopard print stilettos?
  
  Sep 29, 2008 at 9:23 pm rating: 0
- #10.3 JuanRojas
  
  I found the salami in the unitard. It left a stain. I guess I’d better wash it then. Thanks, claw.
  
  Sep 29, 2008 at 10:59 pm rating: +2
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#11 Woman on the Verge

The Official Cheese Threat Alert Glossary:

Green: Low Threat to cheese as it has mold all over it.
Blue: Guarded… Is it blue cheese or on the way to completely disgustingly moldy cheese?
Yellow: Elevated Threat Level indicated a heightened probability that your Swiss will be taken.
Orange: High. Everybody loves cheddar. It’s gone baby, gone.
Red: Severe. A nice gouda with that red wax around it? Wave goodbye…

Sep 29, 2008 at 8:47 pm rating: +18

reply to this comment
- #11.1 CarsmileSteve
  
  in what sort of crazy world is cheddar orange??? it should be a creamy white colour, maybe *slightly* yellow, but not orange. learn how to do cheese right, america!
  
  Sep 30, 2008 at 8:09 am rating: +4
- #11.2 claw71
  
  Having partaken of a number of British food products I’ll thank you in advance for keeping your future culinary opinions to yourself, CarsmileSteve. Cheerio!
  
  Sep 30, 2008 at 8:35 am rating: +13
- #11.3 joyful
  
  Cheddar is orange in the crazy world of the United States. We like to do everything just a little bit off.
  
  Sep 30, 2008 at 2:34 pm rating: +1
- #11.4 Numinous
  
  I hate the queer orange cheese. Thankfully, the delicious, ridiculously extra sharp cheddar only comes in white.
  
  Mmmmmm, yummy.
  
  Sep 30, 2008 at 2:45 pm rating: +1
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#12 se

Ok, who cut the cheese?

Sep 29, 2008 at 8:52 pm rating: +8

reply to this comment
#13 claw71

OK, I know this will sound a little cheesy but I do enjoy a friendly game of hide the salami.

Sep 29, 2008 at 8:58 pm rating: +15

reply to this comment
- #13.1 Woman on the Verge
  
  Oh, claw71, how did I know you were going to say that?
  
  Sep 29, 2008 at 9:18 pm rating: 0
- #13.2 snee
  
  it was gouda for me. was it gouda for you?
  
  Sep 29, 2008 at 11:46 pm rating: +11
- #13.3 amy d
  
  Queso, that’s a pun right?
  
  Sep 30, 2008 at 8:56 am rating: +6
- #13.4 D
  
  Gruyerrrrre… these comments make me angry (and French).
  
  Sep 30, 2008 at 10:38 am rating: +3
- #13.5 Shane
  
  Meunster puns, these are.
  
  Sep 30, 2008 at 12:11 pm rating: +2
- #13.6 amy d
  
  aaa thinks puns are Fetarded.
  
  Sep 30, 2008 at 12:29 pm rating: +3
- #13.7 aaa
  
  >.>
  
  Sep 30, 2008 at 12:42 pm rating: 0
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#14 JesFoolin

Whatever happened to the good ole days of lacing your refrigerator food with LSD and small town values? What a long strange trip it’s been.

Sep 29, 2008 at 9:03 pm rating: +3

reply to this comment
- #14.1 D
  
  Couldn’t pass up a cheesy Dead joke, eh?
  
  Sep 30, 2008 at 10:40 am rating: 0
- #14.2 D
  
  It really wasn’t cheesy, I was just… you know… notes are about… cheese…
  
  …sorry.
  
  Sep 30, 2008 at 10:56 am rating: 0
- #14.3 Numinous
  
  How do you lace food with small town values? Is this some new kind of science?
  
  Sep 30, 2008 at 2:47 pm rating: +1
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#15 claw71

Ah, I remember college…barely. I think it took me all of three hours to figure out that marijuana-induced munchies had no respect for trivial concepts such as possession and trust. So in honor of the naivety of newly matriculated college students I present this charming rendition of The Verve Pipe’s hit song, The Freshman:

When I was young I had everything
Cheese in chunks and Uncle Ben’s instant rice
but now I’m hunger stricken slobbering with my head in the door
See my breath as I exhale over ice

I wish I’d been responsible
Other people shared this same space
I should’ve know it was possible
He smoked pot and stuffed his fucking face

For the life of me, I cannot remember
what made me think I could trust
when your bank account was bust
You took my cheese from me and my salami
And never paid me back again
I was just a freshman

Sep 29, 2008 at 9:19 pm rating: +21

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#16 High School Teacher

I’m sure the suspect would reveal himself/herself if you used correct grammar: “To whomever ate my cheese”, rather than, “To whoever ate my cheese”. Also, what’s with the hostility? I’m sure the cheese was delicious!

Sep 29, 2008 at 9:30 pm rating: +3

reply to this comment
- #16.1 snee
  
  i’ve got to go with Team Whoever in this case.
  
  Sep 29, 2008 at 9:46 pm rating: +3
- #16.2 octavius
  
  Or even “whomsoever”.
  
  Sep 29, 2008 at 9:57 pm rating: 0
- #16.3 Troy McClure
  
  From Fowler’s Modern English Usage, 2nd ed., p708:
  
  In the Shakespeare ['Young Ferdinand, whom they suppose is drown'd'—Tempest III.iii.92] the preceding words are ‘while I visit’, so that ‘Ferdinand’ is objective; the relative, which should be ‘who’ as subject to ‘is drown’d', may have become ‘whom’ by attraction to the case of ‘Ferdinand’; or by confusion with another way of putting the thing—’whom they suppose (to be) drown’d'; or again a writer may have a general impression that, with ‘who’ and ‘whom’ to choose between, it is usually safer to play ‘whom’ except where an immediately following verb decides at once for ‘who’.
  
  Thus I think it should be ‘whoever’ as subject to ‘ate my cheese’ (if you believe that ’should’ means anything in grammar, and that Fowler is any authority).
  
  Sep 29, 2008 at 11:03 pm rating: +7
- #16.4 bellabeastie
  
  WOW.
  
  Dear Mr. Fowler:
  
  Can you repeat that?
  
  I just love hearing you talk that way.. to whoever would listen… ;0
  
  Sep 29, 2008 at 11:43 pm rating: +2
- #16.5 bellabeastie
  
  or whomever.. Shakespeare gets me hot.
  
  Sep 30, 2008 at 12:14 am rating: +2
- #16.6 bean
  
  Actually, as the object of a preposition, it should be whom.
  
  The use of the active voice is what is confusing the sentence; whom remains the object of the preposition AND the doer of the action.
  
  GOGO Grammar Geeks!
  
  Sep 30, 2008 at 2:05 am rating: +2
- #16.7 Troy McClure
  
  Bean, can you cite your sources? This is a more concise and, I think, equivalent description of what I was trying to quote from Fowler. It seems very reasonable and ‘correct’ to me. It contains the example, “Give it to whoever asks for it first,” which is of the same structure as we’re discussing. The relative pronoun serves as an object of “to” and as a subject of “ate” and so there are conflicting claims on its case, but, as argued here, “the rule in Standard English is that the embedded clause wins.” Obviously different opinions are possible, and if someone is asserting another rule conflicting with this one, I’d be interested to hear about it.
  
  Sep 30, 2008 at 2:31 am rating: +5
- #16.8 anglophile
  
  You see, bean, Troy’s been up all night reasoning it out and doing the research. So if you’re gonna come to this gun fight, don’t bring a knife.
  
  Sep 30, 2008 at 6:59 am rating: +12
- #16.9 Flaboy2425
  
  Hmmmm, subjective: whoever, objective whomever? Did I miss out on something in English 101?
  
  Sep 30, 2008 at 9:02 am rating: 0
- #16.10 bellabeastie
  
  You guys are giving me a headache…
  
  Sep 30, 2008 at 10:57 am rating: 0
- #16.11 GhostWriter
  
  OMG, did this actually turn into a “he says/ cheeses” argument?
  
  Sep 30, 2008 at 11:19 am rating: +8
- #16.12 Resident Grammarian esq
  
  I’m feeling like my username is being eroded.
  
  Sep 30, 2008 at 1:16 pm rating: +1
- #16.13 JeffyTheAsshole
  
  Are you calling bean a wop, anglophile? They make the best Jesus in the world, unless you get the stuff from his flock that has been pasture-ized.
  
  Sep 30, 2008 at 2:19 pm rating: 0
- #16.14 Canthz_B
  
  I thought the Jews made the best Jesus (I’m not sure about their cheesus, is that kosher?)!
  
  Thanks Wiki, cheese is complicated!
  
  Sep 30, 2008 at 2:55 pm rating: +1
- #16.15 Canthz_B
  
  We should send the “Whomever vs. Whoever” question to “Are You Smarter Than A Fifth-Grader”!
  
  Great time to use a “Peek”!
  
  Sep 30, 2008 at 11:20 pm rating: +1
- #16.16 saltinesgirl
  
  First of all, correct is a relative term, since there is a large difference between prescriptive and descriptive grammar.
  
  Since the ‘To’ was omitted, “whoever” is correct. If the the ‘To’ had been included, “whomever” would have been correct.
  
  A good rule of thumb is to use the he/him rule. If the answer to the question is ‘he’, then use ‘who’. Example – Who moved my f-in’ cheese? He did. To whom did he give that f-in’ cheese? Him.
  
  The Blue Book of Grammar and Punctuation offers this helpful tip: if you can replace a word with “he” or “she,” then it is the subject of the sentence and you should use “who.” If you can replace the word with “him” or “her,” it is the object and you should use “whom.” You might need to rephrase the sentence to make this work.
  
  Oct 1, 2008 at 12:03 am rating: +2
- #16.17 Canthz_B
  
  Must be my screen, mine says “To whoever ate my cheese…”, the “to” was NOT omitted.
  So sad to make such an error in such an insightful comment.
  
  Oct 1, 2008 at 12:41 am rating: +1
- #16.18 Canthz_B
  
  Not being a whiz at grammar myself, I’d just use “To whomever ate my cheese…” because I’d write a letter as “To whom it may concern”, and the person that ate my cheese is the person concerned.
  
  I could be very wrong.
  
  I never really give much thought to the proper terms for the parts of speech.
  
  Oct 1, 2008 at 12:56 am rating: +2
- #16.19 bean
  
  Troy,
  I made that statement because I have yet to see any pointed exception to the rule of using the accusative, whom, when it’s the object of a preposition. The argument from that website was a great one, but it wasn’t a rule. It was speculation. I was just going by the rules that I know.
  
  That was a good website btw. I actually enjoyed it, learned some things. The comments were good, but I don’t know anything about German. I know that Latin, Greek (Attic that is) and Spanish would all use the accusative form following a preposition, so that also influenced my opinion.
  
  Just cuz you asked. I do agree that either way, it’s wrong. For all I know, they do have that rule… But, for me the fun in learning grammar is that the rules are broken as easily as they are made, and that’s the beauty and challenge of it all. I’m sure you feel the same way
  
  Oct 1, 2008 at 1:46 am rating: 0
- #16.20 Troy McClure
  
  Hi Saltinesgirl. The Blue Book rule you quote is for choosing between “who” and “whom”, not “whoever” and “whomever”. I quoted their rule for “who[m]ever” above, but here it is again. It says that, because you could say, “To him. He ate my cheese,” but not, “To him. Him ate my cheese,” the required word is “whoever”.
  
  CB, the difference is that “whom” is the object of “it may concern” but the subject of “ate my cheese.” (Just in case you need something to think about on the plane! )
  
  Bean, I linked to two sites; I think you only checked the 2nd. Yes, don’t let AΦ wind you up; we’re just having fun. Grammar is one of the few things I feel comfortable having a no-holds-barred argument about, because no one’s likely to take it personally!
  
  Oct 1, 2008 at 2:00 am rating: 0
- #16.21 bellabeastie
  
  To whoever now has a monstrous headache:
  
  Oh, wait, that’s me. Nevermind.
  
  Oct 1, 2008 at 9:04 am rating: +1
- #16.22 anglophile
  
  I used a smilie.
  
  Oct 1, 2008 at 10:46 am rating: 0
- #16.23 Canthz_B
  
  Troy, my object has only been a subject of interest to me since puberty!
  
  Oct 1, 2008 at 12:12 pm rating: +1
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#17 Cookieput

Like Sarah, I am also confused and would like to know what happened.

She found her cheese in the fridge opened and “used”? Perhaps I’m laboring under an ethnocentric assumption, but I thought the only use of cheese was as a source of food. Wouldn’t used cheese be found in the digestive system of the thief? Does cheese have other uses? If so, what are the typical signs that *my* cheese has also been subjected to these off-label uses?

Sep 29, 2008 at 9:30 pm rating: +2

reply to this comment
- #17.1 claw71
  
  Well Cookie, depending on the cheese it normally smells like feet or ass. If it smells fishy there’s a good chance somebody “used” it for an off-label purpose.
  
  Sep 29, 2008 at 9:38 pm rating: +4
- #17.2 anglophile
  
  I’m pretty sure an internationally-recognized alternate use of cheese is to smear it on doors.
  
  Sep 29, 2008 at 9:46 pm rating: +23
- #17.3 bellabeastie
  
  HMM hmm– but it’s gonna cost you extra to clean it up…
  
  “I’ll see your fondue and raise you a grilled cheese sandwich”
  
  Loser gets the Windex and paper towels.
  
  Sep 29, 2008 at 11:52 pm rating: +1
- #17.4 Goldie
  
  It’s amazing what you can do with those cheese sticks… I don’t want to think about the typical signs though.
  
  Sep 30, 2008 at 11:16 am rating: +1
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#18 0falcon8

i think all the cheese left to join the UCLA

Sep 29, 2008 at 9:42 pm rating: +3

reply to this comment
- #18.1 Che Gruyère
  
  Viva la revolution!
  
  Sep 30, 2008 at 9:38 am rating: 0
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#19 snee

when someone eats my cheese, i camembert it!

Sep 29, 2008 at 9:48 pm rating: +11

reply to this comment
- #19.1 Holiday Djinn
  
  The puns are killing me!
  
  Sep 30, 2008 at 7:55 am rating: 0
- #19.2 amy d
  
  In a good way or a bad way, Holiday? *Note: If gouda hadn’t already been punned above, you can bet I would have used it*
  
  Sep 30, 2008 at 8:59 am rating: +1
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#20 Quite Contrary

Finally! A good use for the color-coded threat warning system!

Because, if you can’t eat your own cheese, the terrorists win.

Sep 29, 2008 at 9:48 pm rating: +11

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#21 0falcon8

the cheese thefts were all quite suspicious
even though the security was extremely officious
the joke has been told
now, it’s getting old
enough with the fucking delicious!

seriously

Sep 29, 2008 at 10:19 pm rating: +22

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- #21.1 JuanRojas
  
  Neg-rating for not gigglebraxing.
  
  Sep 29, 2008 at 10:57 pm rating: 0
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#22 aaa

Lathrop Hall’s only at security level orange? I’m surprised they’re not at level blackwatch plaid after the rash of mustard and milk thefts the week before.

Sep 29, 2008 at 10:38 pm rating: +5

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- #22.1 Dairy Air
  
  Lathrop Hall is on U of Wisconsin Madison campus where chesse and meat are taken rather seriously. As soon as campus security finishes chugging a few more pitchers of melted butter, you can rest assured the thief will be brought to justice and punished with low-fat sour cream.
  
  Oct 1, 2008 at 8:03 pm rating: 0
- #22.2 Steph
  
  This Lathrop Hall is actually at University of Alaska, Fairbanks.
  
  Oct 9, 2008 at 9:52 am rating: 0
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#23 Delurker

It’s a cheesespiracy of edam proportions. The cheddarists abound. Now I’m sure cheese graters will be banned on airplanes. Travelers the nation over will be forced to cut their cheese with the 3 inch scissors that are still allowed on board. Life just keeps getting difficulter and difficulter. Or would that be difficulture, since we’re talking about cheese?

Sep 29, 2008 at 10:55 pm rating: +8

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- #23.1 Numinous
  
  I find your pun faulty given that “difficulter” is not (and hopefully never will be) a real word.
  
  Sep 30, 2008 at 2:54 pm rating: +2
- #23.2 Delurker
  
  I know. The funny thing is that I’m an English teacher. I do find the malleable nature of the English language to be quite fun. Every so often I enjoy misusing words. As I often tell my students, it’s my job to learn them to talk gooder.
  
  Sep 30, 2008 at 5:57 pm rating: +1
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#24 hambaobao

I wonder what Sarah’s cheese was used for? Obviously it wasn’t good enough for eating.

Actually, I’d rather not know what her roommates got up to with her cheese, which has clearly left her dazed and confused…

Sep 29, 2008 at 11:35 pm rating: +1

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- #24.1 hambaobao
  
  - oh, apologies to cookieput; I really should read all comments before commenting. Laziness breeds stupidity…
  
  Sep 30, 2008 at 12:36 am rating: 0
- #24.2 SarahBelle
  
  I wonder where this has been seen before? Wouldn’t be toilet water toothbrushes, would it?
  
  Sep 30, 2008 at 12:50 am rating: 0
- #24.3 hambaobao
  
  Where what has been seen before? I am not familiar with what you are referring to sorry – though I do know toothbrushes and toilets shouldn’t really be used in the same vincinity.
  
  Sep 30, 2008 at 1:08 am rating: 0
- #24.4 Cookieput
  
  *giggle*
  
  Any possible indignation I might have felt was instantly assuaged by reading the phrase “apologies to cookieput” which sounds like the title of a very special episode of “The Fraggles”.
  
  I’ll accept however many apologies you lay before me, hambaobao. (While I did study microbiology in college, my roommates were also grossed out by toothbrushing in the living room)
  
  Sep 30, 2008 at 1:19 am rating: +1
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#25 monstrosity

I hate it when I get opened, used, and left unwrapped. It just makes me feel so…cheesy.

Sep 29, 2008 at 11:39 pm rating: +2

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#26 deadhead

Is there no whey we could put an end to these cheese puns? We’d all brie a sigh of relief…. and besides, we’d be saved from a feta worse than death!

Sep 29, 2008 at 11:47 pm rating: +9

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- #26.1 nestchick
  
  The cheese puns are fantastic. Those who post here are professionals, real provolones.
  
  Sep 30, 2008 at 8:42 am rating: +2
- #26.2 amy d
  
  I thought it was a Heluva good idea, at the time.
  
  Sep 30, 2008 at 9:54 am rating: +1
- #26.3 Shane
  
  gonna go out on a Limburger here, does anyone not love cheesy puns?
  
  Sep 30, 2008 at 1:30 pm rating: +1
- #26.4 se
  
  cheese-whiz, can we stop with the puns?
  
  Sep 30, 2008 at 7:14 pm rating: +1
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#27 smercury98

Apparently the security cameras are useless unless there is a cheese-related emergency, because who cares about all of that other stuff. Priorities, people!

Sep 30, 2008 at 12:14 am rating: 0

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#28 nene

All this about cheese? Now I’m hungry.
Where are the crackers???

Sep 30, 2008 at 1:19 am rating: +1

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#29 Canthz_B

Whoa! Time to change tactics.
No more delivering cheesy pick-up lines, just eat their cheese and they offer sex!

Sep 30, 2008 at 1:48 am rating: +3

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- #29.1 anglophile
  
  You had me at havarti.
  
  Sep 30, 2008 at 7:03 am rating: +8
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#30 Canthz_B

Maybe someone removed the cheese/salami from Lathrop Hall because the fridge is out-of-order and unplugged.

Sep 30, 2008 at 2:07 am rating: +1

reply to this comment
- #30.1 bellabeastie
  
  ..and dragged into the middle of the street…
  
  Sep 30, 2008 at 11:02 am rating: +1
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#31 Canthz_B

“To whoever ate my cheese, FUCK YOU!!”

PS,
Be a dear and pick up some eggs on your way home.

Sep 30, 2008 at 2:11 am rating: +8

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#32 Donna Martin Graduates!

Did anyone look on the railings?

Sep 30, 2008 at 2:12 am rating: 0

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#33 secondsout

Why is Sarah confused? Seems pretty self-evident to me: I unwrapped the cheese, ate some of it, and then stuck it back in the fridge. Oh, I see, she’s complaining that she paid for it and I’m eating it? See if I ever give my concubines spending money again!

Sep 30, 2008 at 3:28 am rating: +2

reply to this comment
- #33.1 Saysh
  
  Well, as long as you give the LUCKY concubines some money (like ME!) Sarah’s an idiot. I’ll share my cheese with you…as well as anything else you’d like *wink wink nudge nudge*
  
  Sep 30, 2008 at 5:06 am rating: 0
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#34 secondsout

I bet it was the hamburglar who stole the cheese slices. He needed to top it off. Would the name be quite as effective if it were the “Cheeseburglar?”

Sep 30, 2008 at 3:32 am rating: +2

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#35 Anis

It’s funny, these things don’t happen in the UK…

Sep 30, 2008 at 5:16 am rating: 0

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- #35.1 secretrebel
  
  Yes they do. In college all my food was stolen. Cheese is just one of the more easily portable items.
  
  Sep 30, 2008 at 6:14 am rating: 0
- #35.2 Dare
  
  Nothing happens inthe UK. Not ever.
  
  Sep 30, 2008 at 8:56 am rating: +3
- #35.3 GhostWriter
  
  “Jewelry, credit cards, cell phones…”
  
  (nothing…)
  
  “um, Playstation games, GPS’s, IPods…”
  
  (still nothing…)
  
  “oh… jewelry …watches, wallets, IPods, IPhones…”
  
  (hmmm, things in your pocket?)
  
  “…cheese,”
  
  EASILY PORTABLE ITEMS THAT ARE OFTEN STOLEN!!
  
  Sep 30, 2008 at 11:09 am rating: +2
- #35.4 Numinous
  
  Oooooo! Are we playing $10,000 Pyramid?
  
  I know, it’s not $10,000 anymore, but I remember the good old days. You know, when gameshows were actually fun to watch.
  
  Sep 30, 2008 at 2:59 pm rating: +2
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#36 claw71

Greg was wonderful in bed, unlike most college guys he really knew how to take his time. His lips and hands explored her body, finding every erogenous zone. She could feel the warmth of his breath between her legs as he slowly eased off her black lace panties.

“I’ll be right back, ” he said coyly.

Marci wanted to tell him no, to command him to finish exactly what he had started. She wanted his mouth on her. Wanted it bad. But she knew that Greg had something else in mind and had a feeling that it would be wonderful. Her mind raced playing through fantasies in the brief period of time he was gone.

When he returned she looked up at him through heavy eyelids. He was wearing black boxer briefs and through the candlelight she could make out the lean musculature of his body. He was sexy. She admired his tightly muscled belly and his chiseled chest. She followed his athletic lines down to his firm hands where she spotted a cylindrical block of longhorn cheese. A block that her roommate Sarah had recently purchased at Costco.

“Greg, ” she cautioned as he pull the thick block of cheese from it’s wrapper, “that’s Sarah’s…she’ll be pissed.”

“We’re not going to eat it, ” he said with a devilishly knowing grin. “I’ll put it back when we’re done.”

Marci was powerless to stop him as he climbed back into bed with her. He picked up where he left off, bringing her back to the level of passion she had felt before he scampered down to thee kitchen. The lingering worry about how Sarah would feel faded as Greg carefully eased that massive hunk of Colby cheese into her. Ecstasy washed over her as she stretched to accommodate its girth. And the curds…oh, the wonderful curds. After the first orgasm she thought she was spent, but Greg kept going and three more powerful orgasms soon followed. She’d never really thought about her favorite cheese before but now Marci had a big favorite. “Oh, Colby”, she moaned.

Greg left, promising to put the cheese back in the refrigerator on his way out but Marci really didn’t care if Sarah was upset over a $5 block of discount cheese. Besides, Marci, thought to herself, Greg was the one who opened it and, after all, he was Sarah’s boyfriend.

Sep 30, 2008 at 7:31 am rating: +28

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- #36.1 Aimee
  
  ?!?!
  
  Wow! I’ll never think of cheese the same way.
  
  Dibs on Claw!
  
  Sep 30, 2008 at 2:46 pm rating: 0
- #36.2 Numinous
  
  Hey! No cutting the line!
  
  Sep 30, 2008 at 3:01 pm rating: 0
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#37 Andy

To whoever ate my cheese:

I ate your butter!

Tit-for-tit!

(That is written on a ripped piece of a butter carton, right?)

Sep 30, 2008 at 9:39 am rating: +1

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- #37.1 amy d
  
  Wouldn’t that be tit-for-pat?
  
  Sep 30, 2008 at 9:52 am rating: +7
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#38 Cheesehead

Lathrop Hall–University of Wisconsin-Madison, right? If so, for shame. There’s tons of cheese around and it’s cheap. The cheese thief should go take a cheesemaking class and call it a day.

Sep 30, 2008 at 9:40 am rating: +1

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#39 Ryan

YOU RAT!

Sep 30, 2008 at 9:42 am rating: 0

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#40 nestchick

Did you know that American cheese is known as Canadian cheese in Canada? Following that logic, what would they call American cheese in Switzerland?

Sep 30, 2008 at 10:24 am rating: +3

reply to this comment
- #40.1 claw71
  
  I’m sorry I lost interest the when you metioned Canada, I think we all did.
  
  Sep 30, 2008 at 10:34 am rating: +6
- #40.2 aaa
  
  I dunno, but the Swiss don’t call Swiss cheese Swiss cheese.
  
  Sep 30, 2008 at 11:15 am rating: +1
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#41 GhostWriter

Sarah: “Well, I’m sure it was a mistake, but when I went to the fridge, somebody had already eaten my cheese! Thanks, but no thanks, ya know? What happened?? I am confused…”

Moderator: “Senator Biden, you have two minutes to respond.”

Sep 30, 2008 at 10:46 am rating: +16

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- #41.1 Ti O
  
  Sarah eats Moose salami and her favorite cheese is head cheese!
  
  The more you know the more you grow.
  
  Sep 30, 2008 at 11:47 am rating: +1
- #41.2 Mark
  
  And knowing is half the battle.
  
  Sep 30, 2008 at 11:57 am rating: +1
- #41.3 Bunnee
  
  …and she’s losing it.
  
  Sep 30, 2008 at 1:07 pm rating: +3
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#42 ruth

I lived in Lathrop Hall at the University of Missouri in Columbia for one semester in 1986-1987. We had a cheese thief then, and I see the cheese thief is still in action 21 years later…

Sep 30, 2008 at 11:07 am rating: 0

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#43 Resident Grammarian esq

Interesting use of colours there Sarah. I think she used them on purpose, the red to highlight the hopeful part of the note, and green for the part where the cheese went missing. Changing the meaning of colours like that was a brilliant rhetorical flourish. I applaud you Sarah!

Sep 30, 2008 at 1:27 pm rating: 0

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#44 hamburke

All I can think of is my my kids’ Bear in the Big Blue House book Tutter’s Cheese

Can you help me? Help me please?
I am looking for my cheese?

Can I find it, do you think,
underneath the kitchen sink.

and it goes on until Tutter looks in the kitchen drawer and finds cheese. who keeps cheese in the drawer in their kitchen? I get the drawer in the fridge but it’s clearly a cabinet drawer that Tutter finds his cheese in…

Sep 30, 2008 at 1:28 pm rating: 0

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#45 Sheepish

did the cheese thief leave the empty cheese wrapping in the fridge? or did the victim go find it in the trash along with a ripped piece of cardboard box and then put them both back in the fridge? that seems crazy to me for both scenarios.

Sep 30, 2008 at 1:34 pm rating: 0

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#46 GhostWriter

Odd Clue #4 – the 3rd note looks as if the missing bottom piece of the cardboard note was used to make an origami image of an American eagle.

(…in Canada, they are called Albertan eagles)

Sep 30, 2008 at 3:21 pm rating: +1

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#47 Frankie

My fridge must be a horny place. It seems my food is always procreating in there rather than dying off or running away. I find things in there that should never be in a refrigerator to begin with. I don’t know how she got the door shut after her, but I found my cat in there once. She’d found two tubs of creamed butter in there. I’ve never bought creamed butter in my life.

Sep 30, 2008 at 4:01 pm rating: +2

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- #47.1 amy d
  
  That wasn’t butter.
  
  Sep 30, 2008 at 4:16 pm rating: +1
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#48 Charlotte

Those fat free singles can hardly be classified as cheese. duh

Sep 30, 2008 at 4:42 pm rating: 0

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#49 Canthz_B

There goes my Master-Spy Decoder Ring!
Someone stole my box-top to write a “Fuck You” note.

Sep 30, 2008 at 6:04 pm rating: 0

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#50 miguel

how the two little people struggle in the story?

Sep 30, 2008 at 11:44 pm rating: 0

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#51 Beck

The “fucking delicious” comment never fails to make me giggle.
I am wearing the unitard already, in anticipation of the inevitable verbal thrashing I am bound to receive.

Oct 1, 2008 at 2:27 am rating: 0

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- #51.1 Saysh
  
  You are a masochist, aren’t you?
  
  Oct 1, 2008 at 3:32 am rating: 0
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#52 aims

Note should read “To WHOMever ate my cheese, Fuck you!” And the cheese-eater replies, “Fuck you back and no fuck backs!”

Oct 6, 2008 at 3:13 pm rating: 0

reply to this comment
#53 a lunch thief with serious balls

[...] related: who moved my cheese? [...]

Jul 19, 2009 at 10:27 pm rating: 0

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waiting for the rapture (and/or a thank you note) (139)
- Flaboy2425: Hell, she’s better than my sister who would have told me what to spend the $5.00 for.
- Pers: Dear “great” Aunt, You’ll be dead soon. Bye, bye!
- Canthz_B: HEY! I REGISTERED!! WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT?!
- mamason: CB is Uncle Jumpy!
- mamason: mmmm… Thanks mo! I love chocolate thingies! Just ask Papa!

painfully polite and hilariously hostile writings from shared spaces the world over

who moved my cheese?

September 29th, 2008 · 175 comments

175 responses so far ↓

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