“my dear, sweet grandmother lived a long, full life and passed away recently at the age of 88,” writes mark in denton, texas, but he still has the valentine his “memaw” sent him back in 2005 during his freshman year of college.
before the cockles of your heart get too warmed, however, take note: mars says, “what appears at first glance to be an innocent, heartfelt valentine turned out to contain a message that pretty much sums up how she felt about me going to college a whole hour-and-a-half away, rather than the crappy local college…because apparently, that was my way of saying that my home and family just weren’t important to me.”
on behalf of jewish grandmas everywhere: happy rosh hashanah, everyone!
related: why is it on this night we’re like, allowed to eat carbs?
79 responses so far ↓
#1
Doug
Well do you remember how you are doing her, was she right?
And could somebody explain to me what a memaw is? (Please say more then grandma…)
Sep 30, 2008 at 7:52 pm rating: +2
#2
zombieBlanco
grandma guilt + “special” grandson = eww!
Sep 30, 2008 at 8:05 pm rating: +3
#3
claw71
Judging by the handwriting it looks like Mark was actually doing her from behind.
Way to go there, tiger, you really gave old memaw the business.
Sep 30, 2008 at 8:05 pm rating: +15
#4
JesFoolin
She’s asleep, so I put my shmeckle in her memaw a bissel and she starts writhing in simchas. Vooden, yutzi ?
Sep 30, 2008 at 8:20 pm rating: +7
#5
Avi
Hey, I call my grandmother Meemaw too.
Sep 30, 2008 at 8:21 pm rating: +1
#6
claw71
For some reason I thought of the Beastie Boys on this one…. (Paul Revere)….
So I went to college down near the border
memaw’s pissed about how I did her hind quarters
I did her like this, I did her like that
I did her with a whiffle ball bat
so, I’m in school, grandpa’s acting a fool
and she sent me this card that looks kind of cool
Texas Mark, that is my name
I’ll submit it to Kerry for a little PAN fame…
Sep 30, 2008 at 8:25 pm rating: +23
#7
Canthz_B
If her stiff corpse is supposed to be a reminder, he’s not doing it right.
Sep 30, 2008 at 9:31 pm rating: +4
#8
Canthz_B
“Gone”, Memaw? But, you always shout that you’re arriving!
Sep 30, 2008 at 9:35 pm rating: +3
#9
snee
tom petty came to my mind…
Listen boytchik, can you see?
Bubele, you would bury me,
If you moved so far away,
I should sit and cry all day.
Be a mensch now, don’t you move,
Mr. Big Shot, what’ll you prove?
This mishegas makes me sigh,
Can you really say bye-bye?
Oy, don’t do me like that,
Don’t do me like that!
What if I love you bubele?
Don’t do me like that
Don’t do me like that,
Don’t, don’t, don’t,
Don’t do me like that!
Someday I might need you bubele!
Don’t do me like that…
Sep 30, 2008 at 9:44 pm rating: +21
#10
Wade
Wasn’t this an episode of Futurama?
Sep 30, 2008 at 9:45 pm rating: +6
#11
0falcon8
with the visual associated with memaw sex, i feel compelled to go scrub my brain with bleach
Sep 30, 2008 at 9:48 pm rating: +9
#12
0falcon8
sounds like Memaw thought that Mark was a real GSILF
Sep 30, 2008 at 10:40 pm rating: +11
#13
Quite Contrary
Didn’t anyone teach Memaw about tenses and slang?
I’m trying really hard to not think that someone is doing Memaw after she is gone.
Sep 30, 2008 at 11:23 pm rating: +2
#14
Sea Hag
That looks EXACTLY like my great-grandmother’s handwriting. However, she’s still alive to try to guilt me with every birthday card.
Oct 1, 2008 at 12:08 am rating: +4
#15
Doug
Well I don’t know if this is crossing the line or not but… Memaw was fucking delicious.
Oct 1, 2008 at 1:39 am rating: +18
#16
secondsout
Clearly, Mark’s mistake was not going to college farther away, and “forgetting” to give “Memaw” his new address.
Oct 1, 2008 at 3:09 am rating: +7
#17
secondsout
The crappy local college must be the University of North Texas. The college that would be 1.5 hours away would seem to be Baylor. I’d threaten to disown a family member for going to Baylor, too. Those people are nutty.
Oct 1, 2008 at 3:13 am rating: 0
#18
myke
I used to get notes like this from my grandmother ALL the time. Really rips the ol’ heart out, huh?
Oct 1, 2008 at 7:56 am rating: +1
#19
claw71
This note reminds me of my grandmother. In fact the last words I heard her say were “How could you do this to me?”
I wanted to answer her, but the officers whisked her away shortly after the jury found her guilty. The court order prevented her from sending or receiving any correspondence from me. She was only sentenced to six years for sexually assaulting me but six years is hard on an old lady and she didn’t make it. She died before I could ever answer that question.
The old bitch had it coming. All I wanted was a bowl of Frosted fucking Flakes, but she said I’d be all “hopped up” on sugar. So she fixed me a batch of Maypo instead. I hated Maypo. I hated her.
So I waited. Everyday she watched The Price is Right before settling in for her midday nap. Just like clockwork, right after Bob Barker implored everybody to spay and neuter their pets, she put on her night gown, dropped her teeth in a glass and went to bed. “You behave and let Gramamaw get her beauty sleep,” she said as she closed the door to her room.
After a few minutes I could hear her snoring away. That’s when I crept into her bathroom and grabbed her teeth, I pulled down my pants and pinched the tender white flesh of my inner thighs between the uppers and the lowers. It hurt but I pressed until I drew blood. Then I did the same thing on my buttocks, belly and eventually my scrotum and penis. Within 20 minutes I looked as if I had been ravaged by a pack of septuagenarian cannibals. That’s when I turned on the waterworks and wandered outside, naked.
I staggered up her street crying and blubbering “Gramamaw ate my pee pee” all the while. Eventually a neighbor rushed to my aid and covered me with an afghan.
The police were called and my grandmother was yanked from her midday slumber and hauled downtown. She spent the night in a holding cell wearing a dirty purple mumu and no teeth as her dentures were being compared to the bite marks all over my body. The police were hard on her and eventually she made confusing statements that the prosecution was able to damn her with. My parents were livid, my grandfather was despondent, my brothers and sisters made fun of me but that bitch got what was coming to her.
When I want Frosted Flakes I get Frosted Flakes. You can bet my other grandparents received that message loud and clear. I never saw another sweater for Christmas and every birthday was like a bah mitzvah.
Oct 1, 2008 at 8:51 am rating: +27