I think we’ve received some of your mail by mistake. Just wanted to pass these along!
xoxo, PAN
related: Arrivederci, asshole
Dear assholes
October 3rd, 2008 · 104 comments
FILED UNDER: "customer service" · beer · garbage · God · parking · stealing · The Earth
104 responses so far ↓
#1
Mishee
When I used to call my big brother an asshole when we were teenagers, his clever, oh-so-original response was to come back and call me a “Hole-Ass”… but then again, he never wrote it, so maybe it was calling me a “Whole Ass” – while means something different in my opinion…
And now I wonder why I have low self image issues.
Oct 3, 2008 at 10:42 am rating: 3
#2
amy d
I don’t know any of these people so why are they writing me letters?
Oct 3, 2008 at 10:44 am rating: 26
#3
Bunnee
Wow, it looks like these “asshole” people really get around!
Oct 3, 2008 at 10:44 am rating: 3
#4
Mishee
God, Asshole is such an asshole. Look at all these notes people have left for him around town!
I wonder if his mother knew how he would be when she named him.
Oct 3, 2008 at 10:46 am rating: 10
#5
Bunnee
Is that a homeless, alcoholic, dirt-poor MINOR or MINER? I mean, to steal from a minor is just unconscionable…
Oct 3, 2008 at 10:46 am rating: 1
#6
amy d
you stole from a homeless, dirt-poor alocoholic minor.
I think he left out sarcastic and petulant.
Oct 3, 2008 at 10:48 am rating: 26
#7
Mishee
For some reason I keep thinking of Otto driving (very badly) around London in A Fish Called Wanda.
“Assholleeeee!”
Oct 3, 2008 at 10:48 am rating: 7
#8
Bunnee
Dear Minor (miner?),
Yes, I do feel great about stealing your liquor, especially if you’re an alcoholic. Here’s wishing you bon voyage on the road to recovery!
Love,
Asshole
Oct 3, 2008 at 10:49 am rating: 10
#9
Wade
After a long life of sobriety and wealth, the once dirt poor, homeless minor miner recalled fondly the asshole that stole his last bottle of liquor…EVER!
Oct 3, 2008 at 10:55 am rating: 8
#10
Sheepish
why is the candy kept in the fridge?
what are those red globs in the cellophane?
and yes, this dude stole from me: my waist line, after eating all those candies.
Oct 3, 2008 at 10:58 am rating: 3
#11
Fresca
Dear Trees, Ferns, and Groundhogs,
What makes you think you can speak for all of the other creatures that have to live in my mess? Who died and made you lords of the forest? I saw some ants the other day who were happily drinking the last drops of beer from my beer cans. They obviously LIKE living in my mess. Did you ever think about the ants? How about the yellow jackets? Are you going to listen to their voices too, or are you opposed to insect suffrage?
Sincerely,
Asshole
Oct 3, 2008 at 11:01 am rating: 23
#12
Mishee
wait wait wait wait…
I just finally read one of the notes…
Since when does God write Assholes notes, yet the pious and good hearted people can go their whole lives without ever conversing with Him once!
And since when does the Dad get a present on his Son’s birthday? How greedy is that???
Oct 3, 2008 at 11:02 am rating: 14
#13
Juliet
“I hope you appreciate the time I took to write and place this note…”
Probably not. Lack of appreciating others’ efforts is a hallmark of asshole behaviour. So is trying to induce guilt in total strangers.
Oct 3, 2008 at 11:30 am rating: 9
#14
claw71
God: So who ate my fruit?
Adam: Uh, I dunno…
God: What are you hiding behind your back?
Adam: Nothing
God: Let me see your hands.
Adam raises his right hand.
God: Both hands.
Adam puts his right hand down and raises his left.
God: God dammit! Let me see both your hands at the same time!
Adam puts his left hand down, fiddles behind his back and then raises both hands.
God: Did you just stick my fruit up your ass?
Adam: Ummm…No?
God: Turn around.
Adam turns around, revealing a large mago-like fruit wedged between his buttocks.
God: What the fuck, Adam! That was my last one.
Adam: I didn’t do it, God.
God: Bullshit.
Adam: I swear on my mother’s grave.
God: You don’t have a mother.
Adam: Still, I swear.
God: Well, how did that fruit end up in your ass?
Adam: Eve.
God: Eve?
Adam: Yep.
God: You expect me to believe that Eve put that fruit up your ass?
Adam: Yep.
God: And it’s OK with you that I will have to smite her.
Adam: A god’s got to do what a god’s got to do.
God: Jesus, you’re an asshole.
Jesus: What did I do now?
God: Not you, this asshole down here.
Jesus: Adam?
God: Who the fuck else would I be talking about? I haven’t made Lazarus yet.
Jesus: You haven’t made me yet either.
God: Jesus fucking Christ! You’re all a bunch of assholes.
Adam: Hey, weren’t we made in the image of the creator?
God: ASSHOLE!!!
Oct 3, 2008 at 11:40 am rating: 59
#15
Goldie
“I am not here to clean after you, you asshole slob! I am a groundhog, not your mother! Wait… come closer… turn around… Son??”
“Mother! Finally! I spent all my life looking for you. You know how hard it is to be a half-human, half-groundhog, dirt-poor, alcoholic kid in an orphanage? I got my ass kicked every day, Mom! Why oh why did you abandon me in the woods that day??” *sobs*
“I was young and poor, son. Would you please forgive me?”
And they break into song and dance, with the trees, the ferns, the empty beer bottles and other creatures all cheering them on… So what kind of movie should this be? Bollywood, Disney or Pixar? You choose.
Oct 3, 2008 at 11:42 am rating: 1
#16
Dare
Stealing booze from a minor is like stealing candy from an asshole.
Oct 3, 2008 at 11:42 am rating: 12
#17
claw71
I have to tell you, I spend a lot of time in the woods (I’m pretty sure that’s where Wade has buried my sister) and from what I’ve seen all those little creatures seem to enjoy the trash. I’ve seen raccoons the size of Mini Coopers dragging entire dumpsters into the woods. You might want to check the ground for footprints and make sure that this wasn’t a a case of critters gone wild.
Oct 3, 2008 at 11:50 am rating: 3
#18
kittybrunette
From the Raccoons (on a little note taped under the one from their friends, the Trees, Ferns and Groundhogs) -
Oops, sorry! Last night we got carried away watching the debate and we forgot to clean up all the trash and beer cans.
It’s just, we made up this game where we had to drink every time Sarah Palin said, “Well, up in Alaska…”
It happened a lot. And then, our friend the Bear stopped by with some vodka he stole from a Russian miner, and that’s when we started throwing trash at the tv.
Will you accept these shiny candy wrappers we pilfered as a cleaning fee?
-The Raccoons xoxo
Oct 3, 2008 at 12:01 pm rating: 34
#19
tight-e-whitey
A God who loves cordless power tools is an awesome God.
Oct 3, 2008 at 12:01 pm rating: 3
#20
Sheepish
even God doesn’t say Christmas anymore, wonder what Christ did to piss him off this time?
Oct 3, 2008 at 3:34 pm rating: 1
#21
secondsout
The homeless, dirt-poor, alcoholic minor actually has pretty good spelling. I would venture to guess that he spells better than the rich, spoiled assholes that can be found in any high school.
Oct 3, 2008 at 3:44 pm rating: 2
#22
secondsout
So did the writer of note #1 post this in the woods, thereby adding to the amount of trash in the woods, and reducing the natural appeal? Way to go, asshole!
Oct 3, 2008 at 3:45 pm rating: 3
#23
secondsout
Can’t afford a dollar? Depends… how much does it cost?
Oct 3, 2008 at 3:48 pm rating: 3
#24
Logical
I love the one in the fridge…lol
“Cant afford a dollar…get a job!!!”
Too funny…
http://andthisismyamerica.com/2008/10/03/palin-vs-biden/
Oct 3, 2008 at 10:10 pm rating: 0
#25
Elaine
Awesome! This is hilarious!
Oct 5, 2008 at 8:05 pm rating: 0
#26
slythwolf
I’m sure you’ll pardon me for saying it but he wasn’t much of an alcoholic, was he, if he didn’t drink the whole bottle at one go.
Oct 5, 2008 at 11:20 pm rating: 1
#27
Time Tracker
I would have thought that God had better handwriting?
Nov 6, 2008 at 6:06 am rating: 0
#28
me
boobs
Nov 10, 2008 at 2:00 pm rating: 1
#29
Alexis Kyprios
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Dec 20, 2008 at 3:56 pm rating: 0
#30
asshole
thanks alot you asshole you rewind my day!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Jul 3, 2009 at 11:36 pm rating: 0
#31
asshole
assbitches,stick dick bitch!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Jul 4, 2009 at 1:24 am rating: 0
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