I think we’ve received some of your mail by mistake. Just wanted to pass these along!
related: Arrivederci, asshole
FILED UNDER: "customer service" · beer · garbage · God · parking · stealing · The Earth
When I used to call my big brother an asshole when we were teenagers, his clever, oh-so-original response was to come back and call me a “Hole-Ass”… but then again, he never wrote it, so maybe it was calling me a “Whole Ass” – while means something different in my opinion…
And now I wonder why I have low self image issues.
Oct 3, 2008 at 10:42 am rating: 4
Never mind. Mishee cunningly gained first spot, and then backedited, nulling and voiding my comment, which was a response to hers . Move along, move along.
Oct 3, 2008 at 10:44 am rating: 5
But your response was just awesome anyways rose!!
Oct 3, 2008 at 10:46 am rating: 1
and you know, I’ve been told I’m a cunning linguist.
Oct 3, 2008 at 12:58 pm rating: 6
I don’t know any of these people so why are they writing me letters?
Oct 3, 2008 at 10:44 am rating: 26
Well, I never picked you as a Homeless, dirt- poor alchoholic miner (minor?), but I guess it explains the shakes and the way your words sometimes slur together, Ames.
Oct 3, 2008 at 10:48 am rating: 3
Poor guy. He’s been working hard and just wants a drink.
He’s been workin’ in a coal mine. going down down, workin’ in a coal mine, Whew about to slip down. Lord I am so tired. How long can this go on. I been workin’ goin’ workin’
Oct 3, 2008 at 12:58 pm rating: 16
They weren’t. They were writing to me. I will instruct them next time to use my full name (Assholes McFuckbag) to avoid confusion. Please accept my sincere apology.
Oct 3, 2008 at 5:16 pm rating: 17
Wow, it looks like these “asshole” people really get around!
Oct 3, 2008 at 10:44 am rating: 3
God, Asshole is such an asshole. Look at all these notes people have left for him around town!
I wonder if his mother knew how he would be when she named him.
Oct 3, 2008 at 10:46 am rating: 10
Is that a homeless, alcoholic, dirt-poor MINOR or MINER? I mean, to steal from a minor is just unconscionable…
Oh sure pick on the miners! It is fine to steal from the miners is it? We dig deep under ground risking our lives so you can have jewels for your fingers and coal for your comfort. Ya daft princess we’ll see who you won’t be stealing from in January when your pasty flower picking nancy boy minor and you are shivering in yer hovel! Gor! Awa’an bile yer heid!
Oct 3, 2008 at 1:07 pm rating: 11
Even though my ancestors are Welsh, (and probably miners) I have no idea what your last sentence says. (I want to boil your head??)
Oct 3, 2008 at 1:26 pm rating: 0
were your ancestors welsh rabbits?
(sorry, but I just had to!!)
Oct 3, 2008 at 1:55 pm rating: 4
Yes, and they were delicious over English muffins. (No Unitard–I didn’t say” fucking”)
Oct 3, 2008 at 2:10 pm rating: 0
An alcoholic minor, no less.
Oct 3, 2008 at 5:18 pm rating: 0
Ithink the final translation is “Bile (vomit) on yer head”
Oct 4, 2008 at 1:53 am rating: 0
how does that saying go?
“easy as taking bourbon from a baby”
Oct 4, 2008 at 5:41 am rating: 0
“Awa’an bile yer heid” = Away and boil your head.
Oct 5, 2008 at 7:21 pm rating: 0
you stole from a homeless, dirt-poor alocoholic minor.
I think he left out sarcastic and petulant.
Oct 3, 2008 at 10:48 am rating: 26
You forgot ugly, lazy and disrespectful…
Shut up bitch! Go fix me a turkey pot pie!
Oct 3, 2008 at 10:51 am rating: 36
Wow, are you secretly Judd Nelson? No wonder I’m always hot for you.
Oct 3, 2008 at 10:52 am rating: 0
Where’s my god damn schnacky cakes!?
Oct 3, 2008 at 1:09 pm rating: 2
No, timo! That’s MY pot pie! That’s a bad timo!
Oct 3, 2008 at 5:20 pm rating: 0
At least MY mother’s not on the cover of Crack Whore magazine!
(edited 9 months later… just as a test…)
Oct 3, 2008 at 5:27 pm rating: 3
Oct 3, 2008 at 5:34 pm rating: 0
For some reason I keep thinking of Otto driving (very badly) around London in A Fish Called Wanda.
Oct 3, 2008 at 10:48 am rating: 7
I can’t blame a guy for driving a fish badly, no matter what its name is…those suckers don’t even have turn signals.
Oct 3, 2008 at 11:04 am rating: 9
Why do you think they make us memorize the hand signals and show them during the driving test?! Sheesh! Don’t you think of things like that?
Oct 3, 2008 at 11:12 am rating: 0
I’m thinking Dennis Leary “I’m an Asshollllle-ley-ole-le-ole”
Oct 4, 2008 at 1:54 am rating: 2
Dear Minor (miner?),
Yes, I do feel great about stealing your liquor, especially if you’re an alcoholic. Here’s wishing you bon voyage on the road to recovery!
Oct 3, 2008 at 10:49 am rating: 11
But it was my last bottle ever. Ever.
First, I was forced into early retirement, and now I’ve been forced into early recovery.
Hope you’re happy!
Not really hoping you’re happy,
The Homeless and Smelly, Yet Articulate Minar.
Oct 3, 2008 at 5:25 pm rating: 4
Dear Smelly Minur–
Now that you mention it, I’m not so happy. Since it was dark, I couldn’t see that I was stealing a bottle of MD 20/20! WTF?!? Can’t homeless alcoholics afford a better quality of booze? I say, if you can’t afford better rot-gut, then you shouldn’t be an alcoholic. Really, you’ll thank me for this someday. Although, you won’t be able to play the Palin drinking game that is sweeping the nation. Cheer up, there’s always crossword puzzles since you are so articulate. Just look at your “blanket” tonight when you go to “bed”–I believe it’s in the Life section. I must go now–I have a bottle to finish off.
Fondly, (not really)
Oct 3, 2008 at 5:52 pm rating: 0
After a long life of sobriety and wealth, the once dirt poor, homeless minor miner recalled fondly the asshole that stole his last bottle of liquor…EVER!
Oct 3, 2008 at 10:55 am rating: 8
why is the candy kept in the fridge?
what are those red globs in the cellophane?
and yes, this dude stole from me: my waist line, after eating all those candies.
Oct 3, 2008 at 10:58 am rating: 3
I think that last picture is in a store (I can’t believe an individual would have such a personal stockpile of candy unless they are predicting a worldwide nougat shortage) and the owner puts the candy in the fridge to prevent melting.
If it is directed at customers, the “Dear Assholes” salutation is truly awe-inspiring.
As for the mystery globs, my best guess is cherry jello wrapped in plastic for the tonsillectomy patient on the go.
Oct 3, 2008 at 1:01 pm rating: 6
Too bad they put gum in the fridge, because it’s going to snap like a twig in the mouth of the person brave enough to chew it.
Oct 3, 2008 at 4:11 pm rating: 1
Dear Trees, Ferns, and Groundhogs,
What makes you think you can speak for all of the other creatures that have to live in my mess? Who died and made you lords of the forest? I saw some ants the other day who were happily drinking the last drops of beer from my beer cans. They obviously LIKE living in my mess. Did you ever think about the ants? How about the yellow jackets? Are you going to listen to their voices too, or are you opposed to insect suffrage?
Oct 3, 2008 at 11:01 am rating: 23
Suck on my spores.
Oct 3, 2008 at 5:28 pm rating: 5
wait wait wait wait…
I just finally read one of the notes…
Since when does God write Assholes notes, yet the pious and good hearted people can go their whole lives without ever conversing with Him once!
And since when does the Dad get a present on his Son’s birthday? How greedy is that???
Oct 3, 2008 at 11:02 am rating: 14
But Mishee, he wants a cordless drill, I’m not sure you’re fully appreciating the limitless possibilities and fun that accompany the ownership of a cordless drill.
Oct 3, 2008 at 11:09 am rating: 2
Yeah, like drilling holes in people’s b0ats that take up 6 parking spaces.
Oh, what fun!
Oct 3, 2008 at 11:18 am rating: 11
It looks like he wanted somethng else even more, but didn’t know how to spell it.
Oct 3, 2008 at 11:18 am rating: 0
It looks like he wanted something else (deepshot?) even more, but didn’t know how to spell it.
Oct 3, 2008 at 11:19 am rating: 0
I guess you can’t click on the stop button to edit before your comment posts. *duh*
Oct 3, 2008 at 11:20 am rating: 0
it’s chop something… not sure, but its great quality, so someone with better deducting skills can zoom WAY in and still see it perfectly.
Get to it! I expect to see a report on my desk by noon, dammit!
Oct 3, 2008 at 11:23 am rating: 0
It looks like it might be chop saw, in which case, God might be a pseudonym for Wade.
Oct 3, 2008 at 11:30 am rating: 3
That’s great… which means he is mentally revising his Christmas list as he wrote the note. Maybe he was hoping his significant other would see the note, so he made sure to put down the item he wants most.
Oct 3, 2008 at 11:39 am rating: 3
Wow Mishee, I just wanted to say that God had crappy handwriting, but you’re so much more observant.
What is it I see in the bottom left corner?
A greasy fingerprint??
Could it be???
God… is… WHITEBLIZZARD70?!?!?!
I think I just lost my faith. I’m going to go do shots for lunch now. See ya.
Oct 3, 2008 at 11:48 am rating: 3
If you enlarge it, it actually appears to be:
Oct 3, 2008 at 11:54 am rating: 0
i think it’s chapstick.
Oct 3, 2008 at 3:21 pm rating: 1
If it’s Chop Saw vs Cordless Drill, I think he revised from “what I REALLY want” to “what I think I might actually get.”
Oct 4, 2008 at 7:51 am rating: 0
“I hope you appreciate the time I took to write and place this note…”
Probably not. Lack of appreciating others’ efforts is a hallmark of asshole behaviour. So is trying to induce guilt in total strangers.
Oct 3, 2008 at 11:30 am rating: 9
I dunno. If I got a P-A note like that, I would be proud of my asshole act that earned it. And I would appreciate the author’s time… or rather, his sad, small life.
Oct 3, 2008 at 5:30 pm rating: 1
God: So who ate my fruit?
Adam: Uh, I dunno…
God: What are you hiding behind your back?
God: Let me see your hands.
Adam raises his right hand.
God: Both hands.
Adam puts his right hand down and raises his left.
God: God dammit! Let me see both your hands at the same time!
Adam puts his left hand down, fiddles behind his back and then raises both hands.
God: Did you just stick my fruit up your ass?
God: Turn around.
Adam turns around, revealing a large mago-like fruit wedged between his buttocks.
God: What the fuck, Adam! That was my last one.
Adam: I didn’t do it, God.
Adam: I swear on my mother’s grave.
God: You don’t have a mother.
Adam: Still, I swear.
God: Well, how did that fruit end up in your ass?
God: You expect me to believe that Eve put that fruit up your ass?
God: And it’s OK with you that I will have to smite her.
Adam: A god’s got to do what a god’s got to do.
God: Jesus, you’re an asshole.
Jesus: What did I do now?
God: Not you, this asshole down here.
God: Who the fuck else would I be talking about? I haven’t made Lazarus yet.
Jesus: You haven’t made me yet either.
God: Jesus fucking Christ! You’re all a bunch of assholes.
Adam: Hey, weren’t we made in the image of the creator?
Oct 3, 2008 at 11:40 am rating: 59
I am totally making a copy of this for my next Sunday School class. I teach fourth graders this year. This should go over swimmingly.
Oct 3, 2008 at 11:43 am rating: 12
..and with that, claw71 was forever penned in the book of eternal damnation.
enjoy your yeast infection (in hell)!
Oct 3, 2008 at 11:44 am rating: 6
I doubt that this little amusing story is the thing that is gonna get claw damned forever to the lake of fire.
I am sure it would be something he said like, a year ago. He has calmed down quite a bit since he first started posting.
Oct 3, 2008 at 11:46 am rating: 2
God: God dammit!
This may be the funniest thing I’ve read all day.
Oct 3, 2008 at 12:23 pm rating: 13
Repressing my laughter (I’m in my office) has just caused my eyes to tear up.
Oct 3, 2008 at 3:58 pm rating: 1
Have I ever told you guys about my theory that Jesus and the Marlboro Man are the same person?
Oct 3, 2008 at 5:32 pm rating: 0
I thought Sam Sheppard was thrown into the mix somewhere, too….
Oct 3, 2008 at 5:40 pm rating: 0
Damnit. I am now madly in love with claw and have to join the I Love Claw queue.
Oct 4, 2008 at 5:27 pm rating: 1
“I am not here to clean after you, you asshole slob! I am a groundhog, not your mother! Wait… come closer… turn around… Son??”
“Mother! Finally! I spent all my life looking for you. You know how hard it is to be a half-human, half-groundhog, dirt-poor, alcoholic kid in an orphanage? I got my ass kicked every day, Mom! Why oh why did you abandon me in the woods that day??” *sobs*
“I was young and poor, son. Would you please forgive me?”
And they break into song and dance, with the trees, the ferns, the empty beer bottles and other creatures all cheering them on… So what kind of movie should this be? Bollywood, Disney or Pixar? You choose.
Oct 3, 2008 at 11:42 am rating: 1
My vote is porn. I’ve already contacted John Stagliano. With all this talk of assholes, he seemed like a perfect fit.
Go ahead…google him. He loves to be googled.
Oct 3, 2008 at 12:08 pm rating: 3
Yeah, Claw, like I’m falling for that one again after you made me google you!
Oct 3, 2008 at 12:59 pm rating: 0
Oh… that’s horrible.
He didn’t make you click the “I’m feeling lucky” button, did he?
Oct 3, 2008 at 5:35 pm rating: 2
Stealing booze from a minor is like stealing candy from an asshole.
Oct 3, 2008 at 11:42 am rating: 12
it’s OK. It’s just a Baby Ruth.
Oct 3, 2008 at 4:46 pm rating: 2
I have to tell you, I spend a lot of time in the woods (I’m pretty sure that’s where Wade has buried my sister) and from what I’ve seen all those little creatures seem to enjoy the trash. I’ve seen raccoons the size of Mini Coopers dragging entire dumpsters into the woods. You might want to check the ground for footprints and make sure that this wasn’t a a case of critters gone wild.
Oct 3, 2008 at 11:50 am rating: 3
From the Raccoons (on a little note taped under the one from their friends, the Trees, Ferns and Groundhogs) -
Oops, sorry! Last night we got carried away watching the debate and we forgot to clean up all the trash and beer cans.
It’s just, we made up this game where we had to drink every time Sarah Palin said, “Well, up in Alaska…”
It happened a lot. And then, our friend the Bear stopped by with some vodka he stole from a Russian miner, and that’s when we started throwing trash at the tv.
Will you accept these shiny candy wrappers we pilfered as a cleaning fee?
-The Raccoons xoxo
Oct 3, 2008 at 12:01 pm rating: 34
They also had to drink every time she said, “golly”, “gosh”, “golly-gosh”, “gee whiz”, and “heck”. I kept waiting for a “shucks” to pop out, but it never did.
Oct 3, 2008 at 12:27 pm rating: 13
What, they didn’t drink at “doggone it”?
Stupid, lazy, dog-hatin’ raccoons.
Oct 3, 2008 at 12:29 pm rating: 9
Tight E. Whitey
I don’t like this thread, can we talk about Energy Policy now?
Oct 3, 2008 at 12:34 pm rating: 23
Don’t forget all the “bless his/her heart”, and there were two drinks for REALLY good ones, like “Oh, Joe, say it ain’t so!”
Oct 3, 2008 at 12:36 pm rating: 7
Why not, Tight E. It worked for Palin on just about every direct question aimed at her.
Oct 3, 2008 at 12:43 pm rating: 4
If you took a drink for every time the word “Maverick” was used, you’d be in the hospital.
Oct 3, 2008 at 3:41 pm rating: 10
My husband said he wanted to hear her take it up a notch and say “Nucular (as she prounces it) Maverick”!
Oct 3, 2008 at 4:06 pm rating: 2
We had a shot for every time she said “Maverick,” two for every time she referred to her talking points when they had no relevance to the question asked, and shot-gunned a can of Coors when she winked at the camera and forgot she was in a vice presidential debate — not the Alaska beauty pageant. Needless to say, I’m in the hospital with an IV in my arm and a colostomy tube up my ass.
Oct 3, 2008 at 4:37 pm rating: 11
Ouch.. I feel your Palin pain.
We did one shot for every time she dropped her “g”s… Done.
Oct 3, 2008 at 5:08 pm rating: 4
Enough about all this drinking…I want to get back to Energy. *wink*
Oct 3, 2008 at 5:16 pm rating: 2
LMAO! Brilliant, just f*cking brilliant!
Oct 3, 2008 at 7:18 pm rating: 0
A God who loves cordless power tools is an awesome God.
Oct 3, 2008 at 12:01 pm rating: 3
a poster who nests (gigglebraxes) their pretty decent comment is an awesome poster.
Oct 3, 2008 at 12:15 pm rating: 1
Tight E. Whitey
I’m commenting on the original post, not anyone else’s comments. And you forgot the smiley face. But thanks so much !!!!!
P.S.: “Gigglebrax?” Really?!?
Oct 3, 2008 at 12:27 pm rating: 2
A dirt-poor, alcoholic minor who uses hand-made clip art to punctuate his graffiti is an awesome… well, you get the point.
Oct 3, 2008 at 12:32 pm rating: 2
this situation is so not fucking delicious…
yeah, I said it! whatchya gonna do about it???
Oct 3, 2008 at 1:00 pm rating: 1
So, so close…
Oct 3, 2008 at 2:02 pm rating: 0
If RB’s mom wasn’t scrubbing the skid marks from the rear end of the unitard, it’d be yours!
Oct 3, 2008 at 2:04 pm rating: 1
even God doesn’t say Christmas anymore, wonder what Christ did to piss him off this time?
Oct 3, 2008 at 3:34 pm rating: 1
The homeless, dirt-poor, alcoholic minor actually has pretty good spelling. I would venture to guess that he spells better than the rich, spoiled assholes that can be found in any high school.
Oct 3, 2008 at 3:44 pm rating: 2
So did the writer of note #1 post this in the woods, thereby adding to the amount of trash in the woods, and reducing the natural appeal? Way to go, asshole!
Oct 3, 2008 at 3:45 pm rating: 3
Look closely-notice that one of the trees helping with the note took one for the team and allowed the sign to be tacked into his side? There’s a definite bark-pattern showing under the note/string combo.
Oct 3, 2008 at 3:50 pm rating: 0
I think you’re overlooking the tree murder that made the note possible.
Oct 3, 2008 at 4:38 pm rating: 3
Can’t afford a dollar? Depends… how much does it cost?
Oct 3, 2008 at 3:48 pm rating: 3
0.73 euros… no wait, 0.72 euros… forget it. Do you have any wampum?
Oct 3, 2008 at 3:58 pm rating: 5
I love the one in the fridge…lol
“Cant afford a dollar…get a job!!!”
Oct 3, 2008 at 10:10 pm rating: 0
Awesome! This is hilarious!
Oct 5, 2008 at 8:05 pm rating: 0
I’m sure you’ll pardon me for saying it but he wasn’t much of an alcoholic, was he, if he didn’t drink the whole bottle at one go.
Oct 5, 2008 at 11:20 pm rating: 1
I would have thought that God had better handwriting?
Nov 6, 2008 at 6:06 am rating: 0
Nov 10, 2008 at 2:00 pm rating: 1
Dec 20, 2008 at 3:56 pm rating: 0
thanks alot you asshole you rewind my day!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Jul 3, 2009 at 11:36 pm rating: 0
assbitches,stick dick bitch!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Jul 4, 2009 at 1:24 am rating: 0
— Ed Decatur
2011: The Top Notes of the Year
2010: The Funniest Notes of the Year
2009: The Best Notes of the Year
2008: Your Favorite Notes of the Year
Carnivores: keep being awesome!
actually totally reasonable
a little patronizing
clip art catastrophe
flowers, trees, houseplants & gardens
landlords and property managers
Moms & Dads
more aggressive than passive
most popular notes of 2010
most popular notes of 2011
most popular notes of 2012
most popular notes of 2013
now that's management
sex sex sex
signed with love
spelling and grammar police
thanks (but not really)
unnecessary "quotation marks"
You call that punctuation?