Listing in Now Magazine’s adult classifieds: $70. Revenge?

October 6th, 2008 · 76 comments

…well, you know how it goes.

The listing is NOW MAGAZINE is INCORRECT. We don't provide the services usually fulfilled by your left hand. If you have to knock, you don't belong here, so PLEASE LEAVE.

Meanwhile, in Melbourne…

Sorry, this premises no longer providers "erotic relaxation" or any other service of that nature.

And in London…

THIS IS NOT A BROTHEL!!

…a saucy variation on a much-photographed placard from London’s Soho:

THIS IS NOT A BROTHEL THERE ARE NO PROSTITUTES AT THIS ADDRESS

But my favorite sign was spotted by Nick at a backpacker’s hostel in Rio:

Prostitutes are strictly forbidden to come upstairs. We recommend you go to Panda Motel at Sao Clemente, 298.

related: The whore of West Babylon

FILED UNDER: "customer service" · Australia · Canada · Melbourne · Rio de Janeiro · sex sex sex · Toronto


76 responses so far ↓

  • #1   zchamu

    I wonder if the Panda motel gives them a kickback.

    Oct 6, 2008 at 9:39 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

    • #1.1   snee bang

      it’s really the asspanda motel, so no.

      Oct 6, 2008 at 10:07 am   rating: 23  small thumbs up

       
    • #1.2   JesFoolin

      You were thinking that someone other than the Panda Motel put up the sign?

      Oct 6, 2008 at 10:54 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #1.3   tinkerbell2

      asspandas.. awww.

      Oct 7, 2008 at 7:32 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #2   myke

    that prostitution was fucking delicious.

    Oct 6, 2008 at 9:39 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #2.1   amy d bang

      That might have actually been funny if you had said prostitute.

      Oct 6, 2008 at 9:41 am   rating: 16  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.2   Sirius

      Or not…

      Oct 6, 2008 at 9:53 am   rating: 25  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.3   Sleazy P. Martini

      Zzzzzzz

      Oct 6, 2008 at 12:54 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #3   amy d bang

    There’s an address I can’t frequent. I guess it’s good to know in advance where you aren’t welcome.

    Oct 6, 2008 at 9:43 am   rating: 15  small thumbs up

     
  • #4   amy d bang

    What if I’m right-handed?

    Oct 6, 2008 at 9:45 am   rating: 25  small thumbs up

    • #4.1   bean

      DOH! I CTRL+F’ed and everything!! :P

      Oct 6, 2008 at 9:47 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #4.2   amy d bang

      S’okay bean. Yours was a slight variation and I don’t feel it needed to be gigglebraxed. :D

      Oct 6, 2008 at 9:48 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #4.3   D

      You don’t provide the services usually fulfilled by my left hand?

      Well, I suppose I will have to find someone ELSE to hold my knife when I’m eating steak, and to fret notes on my guitar. Thanks a LOT.

      Oct 6, 2008 at 10:42 am   rating: 31  small thumbs up

       
    • #4.4   Ti O bang

      what about my left foot?

      Oct 6, 2008 at 10:46 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #4.5   claw71 bang

      You know, when it comes to erotic relaxation any hand is the right hand.

      Oct 6, 2008 at 12:08 pm   rating: 37  small thumbs up

       
    • #4.6   secondsout bang

      One of the services provided by my left hand is knocking. Fuck it, then. I’m just walking right in.

      Oct 6, 2008 at 1:58 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
    • #4.7   Numinous bang

      You know, I prefer both hands plus a couple of extra “helpers”.

      Oct 6, 2008 at 4:31 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #5   bean

    my left hand?! Do you mean to tell me I’ve been doing it wrong this whole time?

    Oct 6, 2008 at 9:45 am   rating: 26  small thumbs up

    • #5.1   snee bang

      i suspect we have a left-handed PAN writer.

      Oct 6, 2008 at 10:04 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #5.2   ShizzStirrer

      I write left handed and ‘relax’ right handed.

      We lefties know that all activites were made to exclude us, but we manage to overcome.

      Oct 6, 2008 at 2:43 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #5.3   kansas girl

      Wouldn’t it depend on “reading” material? Whether you need it, and whether or not you are able to hold it with your non-dominant hand?

      Oct 8, 2008 at 12:20 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #6   J0sie

    I stayed at the Panda once and really recommend it. I didn’t realize I’d run out of cash until after the bellhop had brought my bags to the room. Luckily he accepted my offer for… other services… instead of a tip. He even gave me some cash to tip the room service guy with.

    Oct 6, 2008 at 9:55 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

    • #6.1   Troy McClure bang

      I think that bellhop was a young Barry Manilow:

      Her name was JOsie, she was a ho girl
      A tourist with no cash to spare who was looking for somewhere
      She could merengue and do the cha-cha
      The bellhop said “well there you are” and dropped her bags by the minibar
      She never had before thought that she was a whore
      He looked kind of cute, like her brother
      Who could ask for more?

      At the Panda, Sao Clemente Panda
      The hottest spot north of Havana
      At the Panda, Sao Clemente Panda
      Paying for passion is always the fashion
      At the Panda … not up above

      Oct 6, 2008 at 10:14 am   rating: 20  small thumbs up

       
    • #6.2   Troy McClure bang

      Fuck. South of Havana. I knew that.

      Oct 6, 2008 at 10:29 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #6.3   amy d bang

      Josie, I think in this case, you provided the room service.

      Oct 6, 2008 at 10:37 am   rating: 9  small thumbs up

       
    • #6.4   J0sie

      I’m on a really strict diet and always carry strawberries and whipped cream with me.

      Oct 6, 2008 at 10:48 am   rating: 11  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #7   snee bang

    “erotic relaxation” is my very favourite kind of relaxation.

    Oct 6, 2008 at 10:10 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

    • #7.1   snee bang

      relaxxxation!

      Oct 6, 2008 at 10:44 am   rating: 9  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #8   GhostWriter bang

    The last note is simply a translation error. Our notewriter obviously mistranslated “panda bear” from its scientific classification, ailuropoda melanoleuca

    No, wait! there’s a joke here…

    Ailuropoda melanoleuca literally translates to, “black-and-white cat foot” which the notewriter accidentally transformed into, “back and white cathouse streetwalkers” which, of course, leads to the term, “prostitutes”. The note actually intended to direct pandas to their own hotel.

    See how funny?

    Oct 6, 2008 at 10:27 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

    • #8.1   kittybrunette

      Her name was Lola, she was a panda
      Catwalking the streets at night
      She was a dark-eyed bamboo delight
      Oh yes, it’s Lola…laa, laa, laa Lola…
      Dee, dee, dah, Lola…umm … Lola?

      Damn this cold medicine! Where are my shoes? I need to walk to the printer.

      Oct 6, 2008 at 11:00 am   rating: 7  small thumbs up

       
    • #8.2   kittybrunette

      Sorry ’bout that last post. Really do have a wicked cold and the cold medicine combined with coffee is keeping me alive, yet obviously stupid.

      Someone really should take my keyboard away, only I’m supposed to be using it to compile end of the month reports.

      So, I’ll go do that now…I guess.

      Oct 6, 2008 at 11:15 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #9   snee bang

    this is not a brothel!

    the scantily clad women of ill-repute you see lying about are sluts, not whores.

    Oct 6, 2008 at 10:48 am   rating: 41  small thumbs up

    • #9.1   claw71 bang

      Is that where Mishee and RB are today?

      Oct 6, 2008 at 12:09 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #9.2   Mishee bang

      Claw – I’m actually home pleasuring myself to the “sound” of your comments…

      comon baby, say something else insulting and immoral… I’m almost there.

      Oct 6, 2008 at 12:16 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #9.3   RunBarbara bang

      ive been busy all day, just got back from the free clinic and claw- your mom is a dirty liar, i knew it was contagious but she just kept sweet talking me. tell that bitch she owes me $40 for antibiotics.

      Oct 6, 2008 at 12:25 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #9.4   mrs. pommelhorst

      Yes but Mishee, was it right handed or left?

      Inquiring minds need to know…

      Oct 6, 2008 at 3:39 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #9.5   Mishee bang

      well, I am a lefty, but I have adapted to life in a “Right Handed World”

      so you take your guess.

      Oct 6, 2008 at 3:43 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #9.6   mrs. pommelhorst

      … so then you’re using your feet?

      Dirty!

      Oct 6, 2008 at 3:48 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #9.7   Mishee bang

      Just call me Ridiculous Rose.

      Oct 6, 2008 at 3:58 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #10   Dare

    I am so sick and tired of these places telling me what they don’t do! Tell us what you are willing to do and be proud of it damnit! This world needs less whiners and more doers!

    Hmmm, course, with the previous statement, I was just whining. Damn this vicious circle!

    On that note, “Look kids, Big Ben! Parliament!”

    Oct 6, 2008 at 11:24 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

     
  • #11   claw71 bang

    I see notes like this all the time. Around the house. You know, you ask for anal one time…

    Oct 6, 2008 at 11:53 am   rating: 21  small thumbs up

    • #11.1   Numinous bang

      I guess you’re in the wrong house.

      Oct 6, 2008 at 4:50 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #11.2   JesFoolin

      No, right house, it’s just that claw’s mom isn’t home yet.

      Oct 6, 2008 at 11:00 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #12   GhostWriter bang

    Damn- if it wasn’t for that note taped over the door grating, I would find the M. C. Escher-like pattern erotically relaxing.

    Oct 6, 2008 at 11:54 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #12.1   claw71 bang

      You would, you sick freak, but then again I find Norman Rockwell’s work to be rather erotic myself so I guess we all have our own little quirks.

      Oct 6, 2008 at 12:07 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
    • #12.2   GhostWriter bang

      Come On! I can’t be the only freak who finds a right hand drawing a right hand strangely alluring??

      Oct 6, 2008 at 12:54 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #12.3   EY

      GW, you’re not~! Now, What a Way to GO~! :D

      Oct 10, 2008 at 12:46 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #13   claw71 bang

    In my experience prostitutes very rarely “come” so I think the last note only applies to that tiny percentage who really enjoy their work.

    Oct 6, 2008 at 12:00 pm   rating: 15  small thumbs up

     
  • #14   Andy

    Backpacker’s hostel in Rio, I am so relieved to see you share the same disdain for prostitutes that I harbor. I will proceed without hesitation to the suggested Panda Motel to bathe in certain moral righteousness. I’m in your debt.

    Oct 6, 2008 at 12:38 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

     
  • #15   secondsout bang

    NOW magazine? Isn’t that the National Organization for Women? It’s about time the feminists lightened up and allowed advertising for erotic services in their magazine.

    Oct 6, 2008 at 1:45 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #15.1   ana

      actually, the confusing part here is that motels in brazil are only for this kind of thing actually… they charge per hour

      hostels or hotels are for the normal kind of stay.
      (well, with no prostitutes involved, that is)

      Oct 27, 2008 at 3:27 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #16   Pazookie

    “If you have to knock, you don’t belong here…? Well, that will keep the in-laws away!

    Oct 6, 2008 at 1:46 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

     
  • #17   secondsout bang

    This place won’t let the prostitutes come? Just the johns, apparently.

    Oct 6, 2008 at 1:54 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #18   secondsout bang

    So if I just walk in without knocking at place #1, there might be a handjob in it for me? Sweet!

    Oct 6, 2008 at 1:55 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #19   Holiday Djinn

    Mishee, was it a long walk to the Panda Motel?

    Oct 6, 2008 at 3:04 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #19.1   Mishee bang

      It wasn’t bad, but you know, when you need prostitutes (especially ones that can actually come upstairs with you!) you do what you gotta do.

      Somethings in life are free, but for everything else, there’s Mastercard.

      Oct 6, 2008 at 3:49 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #20   HS

    to the hostel in rio-
    You said we couldn’t come upstairs, so it must be OK in the downstairs? The Panda has been getting a lot of business lately; we need more rooms…

    -sincerely,
    a forbidden prostitute from the upstairs

    Oct 6, 2008 at 3:16 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #21   ansco

    all of the prostitutes go to the Panda, that place must be real nice

    Oct 6, 2008 at 6:23 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #22   Violet

    Hahaha! I love that they had signs professionally made. I want one, if only for the giggle factor.

    Oct 6, 2008 at 7:15 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #23   Jane

    I recently saw a sign outside an apartment building in Tokyo that said (in Japanese) “Foreigners and prostitutes welcome.”

    Oct 6, 2008 at 9:18 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #24   lex

    um these are fake? At least the first two, Not impressed.

    Oct 7, 2008 at 7:10 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #25   DirtyOldLady bang

    See, advertising with a negative (i.e. “This is not a brothel” or “there are no prostitutes here”) isn’t really effective. It would be better to state it positively (i.e. “this is a House of Ill Fame” or “All of our ladies of the evening are ladies”).

    Just a suggestion. :D

    Oct 7, 2008 at 7:15 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #26   Sloper

    Wait, this isn’t a brothel? Well, I guess I have egg on my face for showing up without pants, then.

    Oct 7, 2008 at 3:15 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #27   Sloper

    Also, thanks for the tip, but I’m really not that into pandas. Really.

    Oct 7, 2008 at 3:16 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #28   Woman on the Verge bang

    These places are just begging to have someone spread cheese on their doors.

    Oct 7, 2008 at 5:06 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #28.1   lutherblissett

      Like, they’re saying “Cheese us”?

      Oct 8, 2008 at 3:18 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #29   Devonte Smith

    Oooh I like the last one…

    At least point us in the right direction if we show up at 4am looking to bust a nut!!!

    http://andthisismyamerica.com/2008/10/08/2-downone-to-go/

    Oct 8, 2008 at 1:53 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #30   raisedbywolves

    LOL, I used to live in a building that was a former brothel before being converted back to apts for us.

    To the people who wrote these notes… I feel your pain!

    Oct 9, 2008 at 3:06 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #31   Lurker

    OK, my family actually DID move into a house that had been a brothel. Swear to FSM. It was all we could afford.

    Only a couple of confused stray customers showed up, because word spreads fast in a small town, but it was enough to make us sleep VERY lightly for a while.

    Oct 10, 2008 at 9:00 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #32   Dan

    Can we say plausible deniability?

    Nope, there’s no prostitutes here. We just like to wear a lot of makeup and lingerie.

    Dan

    Oct 11, 2008 at 1:29 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #33   LuvChowda bang

    It seems as though all the shaft stroking and glans rubbing services are still offered but the ball cupping, anus probing and pube yanking services have been discontinued. As long as the fee has been reduced accordingly, it would be worth ringing the doorbell.

    Nov 17, 2008 at 3:00 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #34   hxdm pvtla

    cmngv fcnvi uvspbirj ygsj lkbwnaf iskxufdz ozvchwnla

    Nov 21, 2008 at 1:01 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #35   VastishNuaxia

    Thanks!!! cool…
    I really think that such arangements

    Feb 7, 2009 at 12:05 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #36   adults only

    Adult dating in Australia is very popular, there are millions of adults signed up for adult dating services in every state and major city. This type of dating service differs from mainstream dating in that it is geared more towards short term relationships based on sexual encounters rather than longer term relationships that might lead to some type of commitment. The sites are generally graphic in nature and you can expect to find explicit images and nudity and sex acts. Live chat will be sexually explicit also. People come to these types of sites to find sex partners not to play chess!
    Adam

    May 23, 2009 at 1:53 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #37   thanks for not asking

    [...] related: listing in now magazine’s adult classifieds? $70. revenge? [...]

    Sep 16, 2009 at 1:08 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #38   They take their white carpet very seriously. – Humour Unlimited

    […] related: This not a brothel! […]

    Sep 29, 2014 at 1:20 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     

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