an inconvenient truth

October 7th, 2008 · 86 comments

al gore would likely be pleased hear that marc in san diego rides his bike (a vintage blue colnago) to work in the mornings. a certain evangelical bike messenger, however, was less than impressed.

marc says he’s since ditched his old cable lock. “after this note taught me the error of my ways, i now keep my bike inside where it’s safe.”

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FILED UNDER: "helpful" advice · bicycle · stealing

86 responses so far ↓

#1 Ti O

A Bologna?
I stole your bike, I was trying to help.

Oct 7, 2008 at 10:02 am rating: +4

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#2 amy d

Hi ho, Colnago!

No? How about:

Colnago, take me away.

?

Still no? Tough room.

Oct 7, 2008 at 10:10 am rating: +15

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#3 bullwinkle

meh.

Oct 7, 2008 at 10:11 am rating: +1

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#4 César

Dear Crazy person:

please don’t steal my bike.

thanks.

Crazy Person 1

Oct 7, 2008 at 10:11 am rating: +1

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#5 amy d

Well, stealing is a good example of living by your principles. If you’re a felon.

Oct 7, 2008 at 10:12 am rating: +32

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- #5.1 RunBarbara
  
  Colnagos are beautiful bikes, especially if I could time-travel and steal Eddy Merckx on a Colnago. That would be worth getting arrested for. Ooo, and in this fantasy world, let’s make Eddy fifteen so I can add statutory rape! And have him challenge me to a tickle fight!
  
  Oct 7, 2008 at 10:32 am rating: +3
- #5.2 Sloper
  
  Man, you have a rich and vivid fantasy life. It makes my own dream of riding alongside (if you know what I mean) Ms. Gulch from The Wizard of Oz seem sort of vanilla. Of course I spice it up a bit by making the bike a Ciocc.
  
  Oct 7, 2008 at 3:27 pm rating: +4
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#6 Mishee

This is why my important paperwork from the office across town was late??

WTF??

Oct 7, 2008 at 10:14 am rating: +23

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#7 RunBarbara

The safe bet would be on the fact that this note writer is a skinny, fixed-gear riding elitist with hair in his eyes and a “derailleurs are for failures” sticker on his canvass messanger bag. In other words, he is every guy I have ever dated except he seems to be employed.

Oct 7, 2008 at 10:24 am rating: +56

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#8 Ti O

Oblivious to the huge box and the stick propping it up another fixed gear freak was trapped by Marc with his Colnago bait bike. The tasty columbus DT15V tubing proving to be irresistible again.

Oct 7, 2008 at 10:39 am rating: +13

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#9 claw71

I’m team note writer on this one. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t endorse criminal activity but there are some people out who seem to be asking for it. People who leave their cars running outside of carry outs, office workers who leave lunches unattended after 12:45, women who carry purses, girl scouts and their sexy little skirts…lessons must be taught. I don’t like to think of myself as a criminal, I’m a teacher.

Oct 7, 2008 at 10:40 am rating: +70

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- #9.1 Mishee
  
  claw - you’ve taught me how to hold my breath for 3 min 45 seconds… underwater none the less! I agree. I think you should get the Teacher of the Year award.
  
  Oct 7, 2008 at 10:44 am rating: +6
- #9.2 RunBarbara
  
  what kind of lesson were you trying to teach my mom last night? the last time i checked, rubber duckies, propane tanks and handiwipes are not educational tools. besides, your “pointer” seemed to be a little larger (and wetter) than standard issue.
  
  Oct 7, 2008 at 10:44 am rating: +8
- #9.3 Mishee
  
  I hear that RB! His “pointer” spit at me!
  
  Talk about rude!
  
  Oct 7, 2008 at 11:03 am rating: +8
- #9.4 claw71
  
  Don’t question the teacher. I don’t want to be forced to punish you.
  
  Oct 7, 2008 at 11:07 am rating: +3
- #9.5 Numinous
  
  Oh, but don’t you?
  
  Oct 7, 2008 at 3:21 pm rating: +2
- #9.6 claw71
  
  You just questioned me Numinous, and I detected mocking. Please stay after class, you need special attention.
  
  Oct 7, 2008 at 4:18 pm rating: +2
- #9.7 Numinous
  
  Yes Master
  
  Oct 8, 2008 at 2:56 pm rating: 0
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#10 Megan

Team note writer all the way! S/he DIDN’T steal the bike, and offered some very useful advice. I learned my lesson about cable locks the hard way. Fortunately I didn’t have a Colnago, whatever that is.

Oct 7, 2008 at 10:52 am rating: +11

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#11 RunBarbara

i just noticed that marc is in san diego…the cycling community here is fairly small. i wonder if we know each other?

Oct 7, 2008 at 10:56 am rating: +1

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- #11.1 claw71
  
  Know him? Probably not, but that doesn’t mean you don’t have a pair of panties caked with his semen in that pile of garbage you call laundry.
  
  Oct 7, 2008 at 11:21 am rating: +9
- #11.2 RunBarbara
  
  don’t act like you weren’t rolling around in it saturday night.
  
  Oct 7, 2008 at 11:27 am rating: +1
- #11.3 Mishee
  
  Panties caked with his semen?
  
  Why was RB wearing panties on her face?
  
  Oct 7, 2008 at 11:30 am rating: +4
- #11.4 claw71
  
  I wasn’t rolling in it, I was looking though it. I heard a noise and saw a set of eyes staring back at me. I thought it was Wade.
  
  Oct 7, 2008 at 11:30 am rating: +6
- #11.5 RunBarbara
  
  the last time i checked, you dont “look through things” with your pants around your ankles and lipstick smeared all over your face, claw.
  
  Oct 7, 2008 at 11:36 am rating: +2
- #11.6 claw71
  
  First of all, don’t judge me, RB. The last time I checked a woman doesn’t offer to fist her future mother-in-law after dinner but we all have out own ways of doing things. Besides, when Wade’s afoot you’d best beware.
  
  Oct 7, 2008 at 12:07 pm rating: +2
- #11.7 RunBarbara
  
  my future mother-in-law? but that was your mom that i fisted!
  claw…are you…are you asking me…to marry you? right here on PAN?
  
  Oct 7, 2008 at 12:12 pm rating: +6
- #11.8 Mishee
  
  *cut to dramatic, ominous music and close up of Mishee*
  I am not happy about this at all.
  
  I gave up on claw months ago, but RB is MINE…
  
  Oct 7, 2008 at 12:18 pm rating: +3
- #11.9 claw71
  
  Well, RB ever since that weekend we took care of your brother’s children I’ve been obsessed with you. I knew you said that your family was close…
  
  That reminds me, you said we’re picking up your niece this Thursday, right? Do we need more amyl nitrate? I know we used a lot the last time she was here.
  
  Oct 7, 2008 at 12:28 pm rating: +1
- #11.10 RunBarbara
  
  you precious little liar! the text i just got from you said:
  “you, me, thursday- lets look at china patterns! luv you!”
  
  Oct 7, 2008 at 12:38 pm rating: +1
- #11.11 claw71
  
  No. The text I sent said:
  
  “you, me. thursday-let’s hook up with a chinese prostitute! On you!”
  
  The therapaist said I need to focus more on your needs and desires.
  
  Oct 7, 2008 at 12:46 pm rating: +3
- #11.12 Mishee
  
  why all the amyl nitrate?
  
  are you treating yourself for angina claw?
  
  oh wait… nevermind… wrong word.
  
  Oct 7, 2008 at 1:15 pm rating: +1
- #11.13 RunBarbara
  
  Chinese prostitute is not the preferred nomenclature…Asian American, please.
  
  Oct 7, 2008 at 1:17 pm rating: +2
- #11.14 Mishee
  
  me love you long time.
  
  Oct 7, 2008 at 1:26 pm rating: +1
- #11.15 claw71
  
  God, I miss the days when good Chink whores were a dime a dozen. Asian Americans…that’s the problem these days, nobody wants to earn their citizenship anymore.
  
  Oct 7, 2008 at 1:31 pm rating: +6
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#12 summer

…the bike fairy has struck again, using random office paperwork scraps from area buildings to keep his/her identity protected. Another bike saved due to this heroic act!

Oct 7, 2008 at 10:58 am rating: +5

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- #12.1 Mishee
  
  summer, it can’t possibly be the bike fairy… they said San Diego, not San Francisco.
  
  Oct 7, 2008 at 11:02 am rating: +12
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#13 claw71

Can’t beat a little Queen, can we?

BICYCLE BICYCLE BICYCLE

I want to steal your BICYCLE BICYCLE BICYCLE

I want to steal your Bicycle
You just don’t love your bike
You should lock up your bicycle
Or I’ll take it if I like

The tires are black, the tubes are white
In the park it looks tight
When it gets dark I sneak up and
Can easily cut this cable
And take this bike of yours

You walk home, it’s your choice
Like an idling Rolls Royce
My god, Jesus Christ
The bike is so vintage man
A fucking Colnago man
What I really have to do is

BICYCLE BICYCLE BICYCLE

I want to steal your BICYCLE BICYCLE BICYCLE

I want to steal your Bicycle
You just don’t love your bike
You should lock up your bicycle
Or I’ll take it if I like

Bicycle snobs are out riding today
So be sure to buy U-locks Oh, yeah
Use cable locks and we’ll take it away
Just proves you’re a poser Oh yeah

That’s right Marc, you suck, ho…

Oct 7, 2008 at 11:03 am rating: +22

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- #13.1 RunBarbara
  
  speaking of beating a little queen…is your dad walking okay today? he really enjoyed last night.
  
  Oct 7, 2008 at 11:17 am rating: +15
- #13.2 GhostWriter
  
  Speaking of a little more Queen…
  
  Dear Crazy Dude,
  I’ve had my eye
  upon your treasure
  but committed no crime -
  One bad mistake
  that you can do,
  have that sub-standard chain clicked into place
  and ban cable use!
  
  Shield your Colnago - my friend
  Your bike will be right where it was left
  Shield your Colnago
  Shield your Colnago
  Bike thieves are losers
  So shield your Colnago – from the worst -
  
  I’ve broken bike locks
  bent like curtain rods
  You give me pain and torture, I’d take the thing on principle
  I’d take it home…
  
  And it’d take all of then seconds
  Bolt cutters? sure!
  I consider it my challenge to inform the bike racers ,
  I’m here to help you -
  
  Shield your Colnago - my friend
  You bike will be right where it was left
  Shield your Colnago
  Shield your Colnago
  Bike thieves are losers
  So shield your Colnago – from the worst -
  
  Oct 7, 2008 at 2:28 pm rating: +12
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#14 secondsout

Ahh, bike messengers - the most hipster profession out there.

Oct 7, 2008 at 11:13 am rating: +7

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- #14.1 RunBarbara
  
  besides being a bartender at hemlock or a hair stylist, of course. that is the holy trinity of hipsters.
  
  Oct 7, 2008 at 11:19 am rating: +2
- #14.2 claw71
  
  I don’t know, I’ve met a few volunteer coordinators that could give bike messengers a run for their coupons….I’d say money but none of them ever seem to have any.
  
  Oct 7, 2008 at 11:24 am rating: +6
- #14.3 Mishee
  
  Maybe Puck wrote this note?
  
  Oct 7, 2008 at 11:28 am rating: +3
- #14.4 clawsunderpants
  
  Vague MTV Real World #3 reference FTW!
  
  Oct 7, 2008 at 2:25 pm rating: +6
- #14.5 Mishee
  
  clawsunderpants (if that is your real name), I am a child of the 90s (my 10yr HS Reunion is this weekend), of course I am gonna reference Puck. I mean, to this day, can you not think of a bike messenger with an attitude and not think of Puck?? I tried to get a reference to snot rockets in there, but it just didn’t play.
  
  It like hearing of a booger collection and not having Stimpy with his upside down table (I picked them myself!) pop into your head.
  
  Or playing frog baseball (even if Primus is inclined to use a cat) and not thinking of those lovable little posers that are Beavis and Butt-Head.
  
  Its “I Love the 90s” all the time in Mishee’s World!!
  
  Oct 7, 2008 at 2:50 pm rating: +4
- #14.6 you suck at craigslist
  
  Puck would never have been able to spell “principle” right, though.
  
  Oct 7, 2008 at 8:45 pm rating: 0
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#15 aaa

If only somebody did the same favor for the writer of this note…

Oct 7, 2008 at 11:58 am rating: +1

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#16 aaa

Is anyone else reminded of the episode of Reno 911 where Dangle comes back from wherever to find that his bike has had extra locks put on it instead of it being stolen?

Oct 7, 2008 at 12:11 pm rating: +3

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#17 Holiday Djinn

I would have just stolen the guys bicycle seat. Let’s see him get home like that.

Oct 7, 2008 at 12:25 pm rating: +1

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- #17.1 aaa
  
  I must watch too much TV since I am now reminded of that episode of South Park where Mr. Garrison invented an alternative mode of transportation.
  
  Oct 7, 2008 at 12:31 pm rating: 0
- #17.2 Mishee
  
  I would still ride the bike Holiday..
  
  All the way to the Panda Hotel.
  
  Oct 7, 2008 at 12:58 pm rating: +3
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#18 santosh pandey

this is my first time to this blog. Nice blog.

Oct 7, 2008 at 1:13 pm rating: 0

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- #18.1 Eric B.
  
  Yes, it is a nice bloggie. But be careful petting it, it might bite. It also hasn’t been de-Clawed yet.
  
  Oct 7, 2008 at 2:55 pm rating: +6
- #18.2 Mishee
  
  I hope its never de-clawed.
  
  Then it would just be plain boring around here.
  
  Oct 7, 2008 at 3:09 pm rating: 0
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#19 GhostWriter

I thought Pee Wee called his bike “Big Red”

…not “Colnago?”

Oct 7, 2008 at 1:30 pm rating: +1

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#20 GhostWriter

From the look of the creases, I’m willing to bet our Crazy Person Marc wiped his ass with the note.

Oct 7, 2008 at 1:33 pm rating: +2

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#21 Andy

If I had known you spell your name with a “c” I would have stolen your precious Colnago!

Oct 7, 2008 at 3:51 pm rating: +2

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#22 MW

Maybe I’m in the minority here, but how is a cable lock so easy to break unless you’re travelling with wire cutters or tools or some shit?

Oct 7, 2008 at 4:22 pm rating: 0

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- #22.1 claw71
  
  You’re not in the minority but you could have done a google search and answered this question and part of the reason those locks suck is because would be theives always have tools or some shit.
  
  Oct 7, 2008 at 4:59 pm rating: +5
- #22.2 Woman on the Verge

painfully polite and hilariously hostile writings from shared spaces the world over

an inconvenient truth

October 7th, 2008 · 86 comments

86 responses so far ↓