An inconvenient truth

October 7th, 2008 · 87 comments

Al Gore would likely be pleased hear that Marc in San Diego rides his bike (a vintage blue Colnago) to work in the mornings. A certain evangelical bike messenger, however, was less than impressed.

Dear Crazy Person: Buy a DECENT LOCK! Dude! You're riding a f-in COLNAGO! I should steal on PRINCIPLE, since it would take all of 10 seconds. I'm just here to help...

Marc says he’s since ditched his old cable lock. “After this note taught me the error of my ways, I now keep my bike inside where it’s safe.”

related: Next on thieves with low self-esteem

FILED UNDER: "helpful" advice · bicycle · stealing


87 responses so far ↓

  • #1   Ti O

    A Bologna?
    I stole your bike, I was trying to help.

    Oct 7, 2008 at 10:02 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

     
  • #2   amy d bang

    Hi ho, Colnago!

    No? How about:

    Colnago, take me away.

    ?

    Still no? Tough room.

    Oct 7, 2008 at 10:10 am   rating: 16  small thumbs up

     
  • #3   bullwinkle

    meh.

    Oct 7, 2008 at 10:11 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #4   César

    Dear Crazy person:

    please don’t steal my bike.

    thanks.

    Crazy Person 1

    Oct 7, 2008 at 10:11 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

     
  • #5   amy d bang

    Well, stealing is a good example of living by your principles. If you’re a felon.

    Oct 7, 2008 at 10:12 am   rating: 35  small thumbs up

    • #5.1   RunBarbara bang

      Colnagos are beautiful bikes, especially if I could time-travel and steal Eddy Merckx on a Colnago. That would be worth getting arrested for. Ooo, and in this fantasy world, let’s make Eddy fifteen so I can add statutory rape! And have him challenge me to a tickle fight!

      Oct 7, 2008 at 10:32 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #5.2   Sloper

      Man, you have a rich and vivid fantasy life. It makes my own dream of riding alongside (if you know what I mean) Ms. Gulch from The Wizard of Oz seem sort of vanilla. Of course I spice it up a bit by making the bike a Ciocc.

      Oct 7, 2008 at 3:27 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #6   Mishee bang

    This is why my important paperwork from the office across town was late??

    WTF??

    Oct 7, 2008 at 10:14 am   rating: 24  small thumbs up

     
  • #7   RunBarbara bang

    The safe bet would be on the fact that this note writer is a skinny, fixed-gear riding elitist with hair in his eyes and a “derailleurs are for failures” sticker on his canvass messanger bag. In other words, he is every guy I have ever dated except he seems to be employed.

    Oct 7, 2008 at 10:24 am   rating: 61  small thumbs up

     
  • #8   Ti O

    Oblivious to the huge box and the stick propping it up another fixed gear freak was trapped by Marc with his Colnago bait bike. The tasty columbus DT15V tubing proving to be irresistible again.

    Oct 7, 2008 at 10:39 am   rating: 13  small thumbs up

     
  • #9   claw71 bang

    I’m team note writer on this one. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t endorse criminal activity but there are some people out who seem to be asking for it. People who leave their cars running outside of carry outs, office workers who leave lunches unattended after 12:45, women who carry purses, girl scouts and their sexy little skirts…lessons must be taught. I don’t like to think of myself as a criminal, I’m a teacher.

    Oct 7, 2008 at 10:40 am   rating: 75  small thumbs up

    • #9.1   Mishee bang

      claw – you’ve taught me how to hold my breath for 3 min 45 seconds… underwater none the less! I agree. I think you should get the Teacher of the Year award.

      Oct 7, 2008 at 10:44 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
    • #9.2   RunBarbara bang

      what kind of lesson were you trying to teach my mom last night? the last time i checked, rubber duckies, propane tanks and handiwipes are not educational tools. besides, your “pointer” seemed to be a little larger (and wetter) than standard issue.

      Oct 7, 2008 at 10:44 am   rating: 9  small thumbs up

       
    • #9.3   Mishee bang

      I hear that RB! His “pointer” spit at me!

      Talk about rude!

      Oct 7, 2008 at 11:03 am   rating: 8  small thumbs up

       
    • #9.4   claw71 bang

      Don’t question the teacher. I don’t want to be forced to punish you.

      Oct 7, 2008 at 11:07 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #9.5   Numinous bang

      Oh, but don’t you?

      Oct 7, 2008 at 3:21 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #9.6   claw71 bang

      You just questioned me Numinous, and I detected mocking. Please stay after class, you need special attention.

      Oct 7, 2008 at 4:18 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #9.7   Numinous bang

      Yes Master

      Oct 8, 2008 at 2:56 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #10   Megan

    Team note writer all the way! S/he DIDN’T steal the bike, and offered some very useful advice. I learned my lesson about cable locks the hard way. Fortunately I didn’t have a Colnago, whatever that is. :-)

    Oct 7, 2008 at 10:52 am   rating: 13  small thumbs up

     
  • #11   RunBarbara bang

    i just noticed that marc is in san diego…the cycling community here is fairly small. i wonder if we know each other?

    Oct 7, 2008 at 10:56 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #11.1   claw71 bang

      Know him? Probably not, but that doesn’t mean you don’t have a pair of panties caked with his semen in that pile of garbage you call laundry.

      Oct 7, 2008 at 11:21 am   rating: 10  small thumbs up

       
    • #11.2   RunBarbara bang

      don’t act like you weren’t rolling around in it saturday night.

      Oct 7, 2008 at 11:27 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #11.3   Mishee bang

      Panties caked with his semen?

      Why was RB wearing panties on her face?

      Oct 7, 2008 at 11:30 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #11.4   claw71 bang

      I wasn’t rolling in it, I was looking though it. I heard a noise and saw a set of eyes staring back at me. I thought it was Wade.

      Oct 7, 2008 at 11:30 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
    • #11.5   RunBarbara bang

      the last time i checked, you dont “look through things” with your pants around your ankles and lipstick smeared all over your face, claw.

      Oct 7, 2008 at 11:36 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #11.6   claw71 bang

      First of all, don’t judge me, RB. The last time I checked a woman doesn’t offer to fist her future mother-in-law after dinner but we all have out own ways of doing things. Besides, when Wade’s afoot you’d best beware.

      Oct 7, 2008 at 12:07 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #11.7   RunBarbara bang

      my future mother-in-law? but that was your mom that i fisted!
      claw…are you…are you asking me…to marry you? right here on PAN?

      Oct 7, 2008 at 12:12 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
    • #11.8   Mishee bang

      *cut to dramatic, ominous music and close up of Mishee* :|

      I am not happy about this at all.

      I gave up on claw months ago, but RB is MINE

      Oct 7, 2008 at 12:18 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #11.9   claw71 bang

      Well, RB ever since that weekend we took care of your brother’s children I’ve been obsessed with you. I knew you said that your family was close…

      That reminds me, you said we’re picking up your niece this Thursday, right? Do we need more amyl nitrate? I know we used a lot the last time she was here.

      Oct 7, 2008 at 12:28 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #11.10   RunBarbara bang

      you precious little liar! the text i just got from you said:
      “you, me, thursday- lets look at china patterns! luv you!”

      Oct 7, 2008 at 12:38 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #11.11   claw71 bang

      No. The text I sent said:

      “you, me. thursday-let’s hook up with a chinese prostitute! On you!”

      The therapaist said I need to focus more on your needs and desires.

      Oct 7, 2008 at 12:46 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #11.12   Mishee bang

      why all the amyl nitrate?

      are you treating yourself for angina claw?

      oh wait… nevermind… wrong word.

      Oct 7, 2008 at 1:15 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #11.13   RunBarbara bang

      Chinese prostitute is not the preferred nomenclature…Asian American, please.

      Oct 7, 2008 at 1:17 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #11.14   Mishee bang

      me love you long time.

      Oct 7, 2008 at 1:26 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #11.15   claw71 bang

      God, I miss the days when good Chink whores were a dime a dozen. Asian Americans…that’s the problem these days, nobody wants to earn their citizenship anymore.

      Oct 7, 2008 at 1:31 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #12   summer

    …the bike fairy has struck again, using random office paperwork scraps from area buildings to keep his/her identity protected. Another bike saved due to this heroic act!

    Oct 7, 2008 at 10:58 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

    • #12.1   Mishee bang

      summer, it can’t possibly be the bike fairy… they said San Diego, not San Francisco.

      Oct 7, 2008 at 11:02 am   rating: 12  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #13   claw71 bang

    Can’t beat a little Queen, can we?

    BICYCLE BICYCLE BICYCLE

    I want to steal your BICYCLE BICYCLE BICYCLE

    I want to steal your Bicycle
    You just don’t love your bike
    You should lock up your bicycle
    Or I’ll take it if I like

    The tires are black, the tubes are white
    In the park it looks tight
    When it gets dark I sneak up and
    Can easily cut this cable
    And take this bike of yours

    You walk home, it’s your choice
    Like an idling Rolls Royce
    My god, Jesus Christ
    The bike is so vintage man
    A fucking Colnago man
    What I really have to do is

    BICYCLE BICYCLE BICYCLE

    I want to steal your BICYCLE BICYCLE BICYCLE

    I want to steal your Bicycle
    You just don’t love your bike
    You should lock up your bicycle
    Or I’ll take it if I like

    Bicycle snobs are out riding today
    So be sure to buy U-locks Oh, yeah
    Use cable locks and we’ll take it away
    Just proves you’re a poser Oh yeah

    That’s right Marc, you suck, ho…

    Oct 7, 2008 at 11:03 am   rating: 23  small thumbs up

    • #13.1   RunBarbara bang

      speaking of beating a little queen…is your dad walking okay today? he really enjoyed last night.

      Oct 7, 2008 at 11:17 am   rating: 15  small thumbs up

       
    • #13.2   GhostWriter bang

      Speaking of a little more Queen…

      Dear Crazy Dude,
      I’ve had my eye
      upon your treasure
      but committed no crime –
      One bad mistake
      that you can do,
      have that sub-standard chain clicked into place
      and ban cable use!

      Shield your Colnago – my friend
      Your bike will be right where it was left
      Shield your Colnago
      Shield your Colnago
      Bike thieves are losers
      So shield your Colnago – from the worst –

      I’ve broken bike locks
      bent like curtain rods
      You give me pain and torture, I’d take the thing on principle
      I’d take it home…

      And it’d take all of then seconds
      Bolt cutters? sure!
      I consider it my challenge to inform the bike racers ,
      I’m here to help you –

      Shield your Colnago – my friend
      You bike will be right where it was left
      Shield your Colnago
      Shield your Colnago
      Bike thieves are losers
      So shield your Colnago – from the worst –

      Oct 7, 2008 at 2:28 pm   rating: 12  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #14   secondsout bang

    Ahh, bike messengers – the most hipster profession out there.

    Oct 7, 2008 at 11:13 am   rating: 7  small thumbs up

    • #14.1   RunBarbara bang

      besides being a bartender at hemlock or a hair stylist, of course. that is the holy trinity of hipsters.

      Oct 7, 2008 at 11:19 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #14.2   claw71 bang

      I don’t know, I’ve met a few volunteer coordinators that could give bike messengers a run for their coupons….I’d say money but none of them ever seem to have any.

      Oct 7, 2008 at 11:24 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
    • #14.3   Mishee bang

      Maybe Puck wrote this note?

      Oct 7, 2008 at 11:28 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #14.4   clawsunderpants

      Vague MTV Real World #3 reference FTW!

      Oct 7, 2008 at 2:25 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
    • #14.5   Mishee bang

      clawsunderpants (if that is your real name), I am a child of the 90s (my 10yr HS Reunion is this weekend), of course I am gonna reference Puck. I mean, to this day, can you not think of a bike messenger with an attitude and not think of Puck?? I tried to get a reference to snot rockets in there, but it just didn’t play.

      It like hearing of a booger collection and not having Stimpy with his upside down table (I picked them myself!) pop into your head.

      Or playing frog baseball (even if Primus is inclined to use a cat) and not thinking of those lovable little posers that are Beavis and Butt-Head.

      Its “I Love the 90s” all the time in Mishee’s World!!

      Oct 7, 2008 at 2:50 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #14.6   you suck at craigslist

      Puck would never have been able to spell “principle” right, though.

      Oct 7, 2008 at 8:45 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #15   aaa

    If only somebody did the same favor for the writer of this note

    Oct 7, 2008 at 11:58 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #16   aaa

    Is anyone else reminded of the episode of Reno 911 where Dangle comes back from wherever to find that his bike has had extra locks put on it instead of it being stolen?

    Oct 7, 2008 at 12:11 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

     
  • #17   Holiday Djinn

    I would have just stolen the guys bicycle seat. Let’s see him get home like that. :-)

    Oct 7, 2008 at 12:25 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #18   GhostWriter bang

    I thought Pee Wee called his bike “Big Red”

    …not “Colnago?”

    Oct 7, 2008 at 1:30 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #19   GhostWriter bang

    From the look of the creases, I’m willing to bet our Crazy Person Marc wiped his ass with the note.

    Oct 7, 2008 at 1:33 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

     
  • #20   Andy

    If I had known you spell your name with a “c” I would have stolen your precious Colnago!

    Oct 7, 2008 at 3:51 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

     
  • #21   MW

    Maybe I’m in the minority here, but how is a cable lock so easy to break unless you’re travelling with wire cutters or tools or some shit?

    Oct 7, 2008 at 4:22 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #21.1   claw71 bang

      You’re not in the minority but you could have done a google search and answered this question and part of the reason those locks suck is because would be theives always have tools or some shit.

      Oct 7, 2008 at 4:59 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #21.2   Woman on the Verge bang

      In fact, in the job description of thief on craigslist it says:
      “Must always have tools or some shit.”

      Oct 7, 2008 at 5:02 pm   rating: 9  small thumbs up

       
    • #21.3   Mishee bang

      if I am the type of person who likes to steal bikes, I would imagine my first day out looking for them I would’ve realized in a hurry that to actually take the bikes, I might have to take my tools with me and some shit.

      Oct 7, 2008 at 5:36 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #21.4   aaa

      I dunno, there’ve been so many bike thefts at my university in the past week that they’re telling people to lock up their bike with a horseshoe lock. So yeah, they are always traveling with tools or some shit.

      Oct 7, 2008 at 8:59 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #22   Woman on the Verge bang

    I think the note writer’s other part time job is most likely a lock salesman.

    Oct 7, 2008 at 4:31 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

     
  • #23   Pook

    I have been tempted to leave such notes. Actually, my insane dream is to steal someone’s bike, leave a note about proper bike locking techniques and then add a PS about where their bike can be safely picked up. Of course, I would not want to get my ass kicked during said pick-up, so I might just have to steal it on principle.

    Oct 7, 2008 at 4:39 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

     
  • #24   marlo

    I’d like to point out that the note is written on a Dynamex waybill. Heh. I used to see some pretty retarded lock-jobs back when I was couriering. It takes about 10 seconds and some bolt cutters to steal a bike that’s cable-locked. I’ve witnessed it happening before (yes, I did call the police).

    Oct 7, 2008 at 5:24 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #24.1   monster

      I believe Dynamex bought Bucky’s and Bucky’s messengers now use the Dynamex bill. I’ll bet it was another messenger giving a rookie the ol’ “wtf?” Back in my day, we would have hung the bike from a tree about a mile away instead of leaving the note.

      Oct 10, 2008 at 4:44 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #25   secondsout bang

    Ben Curtis, bka the Dell Dude, with his “dude, we’re getting a Dell” commercials long since scrapped to the heap, appears to have found a job as a bike messenger. His limited phrases gave him away: “Dude! You’re riding a f-ing Colnago.” Just another edition of “Where Are They Now,” hosted by your reporter, SecondsOut.

    Oct 7, 2008 at 6:03 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

     
  • #26   paulewannacracker

    You’d think Pee-Wee would learn his lesson the first time.
    Love,
    Francis

    Oct 7, 2008 at 6:27 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #27   Treespeed

    Cable locks take about ten seconds with a battery powered sawz all. I had to cut through my own last month when the key gave out. The cable lock is my second lock.

    Oct 7, 2008 at 6:34 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #27.1   GhostWriter bang

      Jesus is my Lock

      (and my Salvation)

      Oct 8, 2008 at 9:17 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #27.2   claw71 bang

      Yeah, well God is my copilot and it sucks.

      Apparently copilots don’t read maps, and can’t be bothered to reach in the cooler to snag you another Red Bull. Copilots also don’t offer to drive when you’ve had too much to drink. So now that my license is suspended I’m riding a fucking bicycle to work. Not something fancy like a vintage Colnago or a high end Bianchi, but a rusty old Huffy with knobby tires and over tightened bearings. God’s still my copilot, oh yes, but his fat ass sits on the handle bars while I pump my legs with everything I’ve got to try to get up that hill.

      Oct 8, 2008 at 10:25 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #27.3   GhostWriter bang

      Let’s not be greedy. According to Exodus, you are supposed to offer up your red bull to the living God.

      Oct 8, 2008 at 10:57 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #27.4   Mishee bang

      Umm, God can have all the Red Bulls he wants – that shit is NASTY!

      The only thing its good for is the Soapbox Race and the Flugtag…

      Oct 8, 2008 at 11:03 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #27.5   GhostWriter bang

      Red Bull gives you wings, so it’s often chosen as a Sacred Blood of Jesus substitute for vegans.

      Oct 8, 2008 at 11:34 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #27.6   Canthz_B bang

      Every time a bell rings, a Red Bull gives out wings.

      Oct 9, 2008 at 4:11 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #28   hamburke

    I’m not an expensive bike-person (love my diamondback mountain bike that I’ve had for 12 years – and yes, I ride frequently towing the kids in the trailer) but I looked that bike up and it does not look comfortable. I’d be putting the cheapy lock on it too, hoping for an excuse to buy something different!

    Oct 7, 2008 at 7:28 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #28.1   ginger_t

      To clarify the “less than impressed” – the bike is rad, expensive and collectible. He was pissed because the owner had the temerity not to lock such a treasure. Sorry if this is a no shit sherlock statement, but I was unclear on the lead in. How did you “look this up?” There are dozens of Colnago models. What you saw is a racing frame, which is very comfortable to those of us who ride often / seriously. Vive la difference!

      Oct 7, 2008 at 8:22 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #28.2   Sydney

      Nah, it was locked, Note Writer Dude just didn’t think it was a “decent” lock.

      Oct 7, 2008 at 11:00 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #29   chris

    that principle was fucking delicious

    Oct 7, 2008 at 9:38 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #29.1   RunBarbara bang

      since you seem to be a fan of principles, you will enjoy our local one:
      “he who says “fucking delicious” must wear the Unitard for no less than four hours.”
      .
      so enjoy!

      Oct 8, 2008 at 1:24 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #29.2   Quite Contrary bang

      That’s what I like about RB. She’s just here to help.

      Oct 8, 2008 at 2:39 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #29.3   RunBarbara bang

      QC, you aint never lie.

      Oct 8, 2008 at 2:53 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #30   Andy

    Using my highly advanced technique of speed
    reading where I read the first word of most lines, I
    got from this note, “Dear Person, Dude!
    COLNAGO!”

    See! it works …enough!

    Oct 8, 2008 at 2:56 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

     
  • #31   Ryan G

    Well, the seat is a bit on the big side, but it’s comfortable for now.

    Oct 8, 2008 at 6:47 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #32   Stompface

    One time my friends were walking along the street, out the front of a house on the lawn was this really expensive bike. They couldn’t believe that some one was so stupid to leave such an expensive bike just lying there so they decided to teach them a lesson.

    They took the bike, and were going to return it a few days letter with a note explaining why you shouldn’t leave bikes on the lawn.

    So they took it home, put it under the house. Then forgot all about returning it. A year or so later, their brother who was going on his 2 year mormon mission, found the bike under the house.

    He then took the stolen bike on his mission and rode it for the 2 years. So yes it was a mormon missionary riding a stolen bike.

    Oct 16, 2008 at 8:44 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #33   Indecent

    All Mormons are thieves.

    Dec 8, 2008 at 4:57 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #34   no, daddy, i asked for a wii!

    [...] related: an inconvenient truth [...]

    Dec 26, 2008 at 4:30 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     

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