Desperate times

October 13th, 2008 · 79 comments

Need another sign we’re officially in a recession? How ’bout three?

Please return My (not your) BIKE PUMP

Did you forget to return my BIKE PUMP?

I MISS MY BIKE PUMP

related: “No” questions asked

FILED UNDER: "accidental" "borrowing" · bicycle · California · excessive underlining · neighbors · San Francisco · smiley · thx


79 responses so far ↓

  • #1   Frankie bang

    Seriously the store is out of bike pumps.
    I have no other kinds of pumps.
    *kicks penis pump back under the bed*
    Seriously.

    Oct 13, 2008 at 4:51 pm   rating: 34  small thumbs up

     
  • #2   amy d bang

    Uh, dude? Clearly your life is already sucky.

    Oct 13, 2008 at 4:59 pm   rating: 20  small thumbs up

     
  • #3   claw71 bang

    So is this what became of the Two Dollars kid from Better Off Dead?

    Oct 13, 2008 at 4:59 pm   rating: 15  small thumbs up

    • #3.1   Mishee bang

      My little brother got his arm stuck in the microwave. So my mom had to take him to the hospital. My grandma dropped acid this morning, and she freaked out. She hijacked a busload of penguins. So it’s sort of a family crisis. Bye!

      Oct 13, 2008 at 5:02 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #3.2   Ti O bang

      You ski the K-12 dude, and girls will go sterile just looking at you!

      Oct 13, 2008 at 6:15 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #3.3   0falcon8 bang

      hey, lane..i noticed that you are no longer dating that girl beth and i was wondering….

      Oct 14, 2008 at 4:09 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #3.4   Jahzzie

      “And tonight for dinner, we are having, ‘Fronch’ Fries, ‘Fronch toast’ with ‘Fronch’ dressing!!”

      Oct 14, 2008 at 5:34 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #3.5   Xanthina

      Go that way, really fast. If something gets in your way, turn.

      Oct 14, 2008 at 5:58 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #3.6   0falcon8 bang

      he iz always putting heez…how you say…testicles all over me!

      Oct 14, 2008 at 6:02 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #3.7   Jahzzie

      You know, like Octopus….
      Oh, Tenticles! you mean “tenticles”
      ‘nt’, it’s every important.

      Oct 14, 2008 at 10:36 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #4   Mishee bang

    Methinks he wants that bike pump for something more urgent than pumping up his tires… I mean, you can do that at any local gas station… really…

    Oct 13, 2008 at 5:01 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #4.1   Donna Martin Graduates!

      It looks like female handwriting to me.

      That and the desperate smiley face …

      Oct 18, 2008 at 12:49 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #5   amy d bang

    Actually, these signs seem pretty effective with their heartfelt angst. Maybe I should do some signs like these for my missing dildo.

    Oct 13, 2008 at 5:03 pm   rating: 19  small thumbs up

    • #5.1   Frankie bang

      I’ll give it back when I’m done with it. I’ve only had it for like 2 days. Geez. Gosh. Damn. Pfft.

      Oct 13, 2008 at 5:06 pm   rating: 10  small thumbs up

       
    • #5.2   amy d bang

      Maybe so, Frankie, but 2 days without a dildo is like 2 days without food. I mean, like I could die if I don’t find release soon.

      Oct 13, 2008 at 5:11 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #5.3   RunBarbara bang

      amy, come over later. i have a couple of 40s of king cobra in the mini-fridge and i’ll show you a neat trick that you can do with the cans. you wont even miss your dildo anymore.

      Oct 13, 2008 at 5:14 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #5.4   Frankie bang

      It was going to be a christmas surprise, but since you won’t let it go it will just be ruined now. I was getting it tricked out for you. It’s still in the shop, but they’re adding a custom motor with 5 speed variations, detachable vibrating scrotum, new paint job featuring life like veins, and it really spits if you know what I mean.

      Only problem is you are going to need a bicycle pump to get it going…

      Oct 13, 2008 at 5:15 pm   rating: 15  small thumbs up

       
    • #5.5   amy d bang

      Wait, you’re Pimpin My Dildo?

      Also, I’m already “tricked out”. Thanks for reminding me of my shame.

      Oct 13, 2008 at 5:21 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
    • #5.6   glastonberry

      I should do one of these signs for my missing libido.

      Oct 13, 2008 at 5:29 pm   rating: 20  small thumbs up

       
    • #5.7   Frankie bang

      I haven’t even begun to remind you. I love your torn up skanky ass. Ima tear it up even more. Come here girl.

      Oct 13, 2008 at 5:32 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #5.8   amy d bang

      If your libido is missing, you don’t have any aching in your soul. Or anywhere else, for that matter. You are just empty and don’t care. That would be like putting up a sing asking for your “give a shit” back. :P

      Oct 13, 2008 at 5:32 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #5.9   Frankie bang

      Try just going off of any antidepressants. Anxiety, marijuana, and vaginal dryness all cause loss of libido as well.

      Oct 13, 2008 at 5:38 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #5.10   RunBarbara bang

      vaginal dryness gives me a ladyboner.

      Oct 13, 2008 at 5:48 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #5.11   Sydney

      It’s not so much missing… more like in a place where you can’t see it.

      Oct 13, 2008 at 9:49 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #6   Sloper bang

    No interest? Really? What a deal! Wait a minute… the Fed just dropped the bike pump interest rate to next to zero anyway. Bet you didn’t count on a bike pump thief that watches CNBC…

    Oct 13, 2008 at 5:04 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

     
  • #7   RunBarbara bang

    when i need to “end the aching in my soul” i just drink a bottle of jack daniels in the bathtub and leave the door unlocked for claw.

    Oct 13, 2008 at 5:10 pm   rating: 16  small thumbs up

     
  • #8   maude

    Maybe if you could express the aching in your soul in the form of a poem? It’s just not coming across…

    Oct 13, 2008 at 5:13 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

     
  • #9   Gigi

    If she can’t get around on 2 wheels anymore, then that must mean she’s on a trike and has those hard plastic wheels. Well she must have breaked too hard, burned plastic, and made it flat on one side only. “It makes me sad” to think she doesn’t realize how a bike pump won’t help.

    Oct 13, 2008 at 5:22 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

     
  • #10   Canthz_B bang

    It’s pretty hard to ride a bicycle wearing pumps…or so I’ve heard! :oops:

    Oct 13, 2008 at 5:32 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

    • #10.1   Canthz_B bang

      Er……”while wearing pumps”.
      A bicycle wearing pumps is a whole other story!

      Oct 13, 2008 at 5:51 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #10.2   knunk bang

      interesting… I find any ride is easier while wearing pumps.

      :twisted:

      Oct 14, 2008 at 5:09 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #10.3   Canthz_B bang

      You just made my heart flutter, Knunk! :oops:

      Oct 14, 2008 at 10:56 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #11   Steph

    Those things are like $10. Sayin’.

    Oct 13, 2008 at 5:59 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #12   secondsout bang

    My bike pump has just gotten stolen
    My bike pump is missing from me
    My bike pump has just gotten stolen
    Oh bring back my bike pump to me

    Bring back, bring back,
    oh bring back my bike pump
    To me, to me
    Bring back, bring back,
    oh bring back my bike pump
    To me

    I can’t put air in my bike tires
    Without bike, I’ve no social life
    I’m trying to find me a hipster
    A sweaty bike messenger wife

    Bring back, bring back,
    oh bring back my bike pump
    To me, to me
    Bring back, bring back,
    oh bring back my bike pump
    To me

    I’m too broke to buy a new bike pump
    My tire has an air-leaking hole
    Just return my pump with no interest
    Please end the aching in my soul

    Bring back, bring back,
    oh bring back my bike pump
    To me, to me
    Bring back, bring back,
    oh bring back my bike pump
    To me

    Oct 13, 2008 at 6:01 pm   rating: 33  small thumbs up

    • #12.1   secondsout bang

      And to get extra tricky, sing this out loud, and every time a word starts with B, either stand up or sit down.

      Oct 13, 2008 at 6:02 pm   rating: 25  small thumbs up

       
    • #12.2   kiff

      you win the internet.

      Oct 13, 2008 at 6:54 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #12.3   zombieBlanco bang

      Act Now! When you order a copy of Passive Aggressive Notes: The Book we will also send you a copy of Bike Pump Aerobics!

      This soul-aching exercise video was professionally produced and filmed by Secondsout and features bravura performances by some of your favorite PAN contributors. Don’t miss out on this opportunity to see Mishee, Anglophile, RunBarbara, amy d, and Troy McClure sweating to the beat of the Bike Pump Blues!

      Oct 14, 2008 at 1:04 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #13   Oni

    That Bike Pump was fucking delicious.

    . . . Did I do it right?

    Oct 13, 2008 at 6:16 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

    • #13.1   RunBarbara bang

      yep. its perfect- so perfect in fact that you get a special prize:
      three hours in the unitard. there are some hairs in the crotch, just ignore them. it gets so much use with new people dropping the “f-d” bomb that we dont have a lot of time to wash it.
      anyway, enjoy your yeast infection!

      Oct 13, 2008 at 7:15 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

       
    • #13.2   Canthz_B bang

      Making friends…ur doing it rong. :-|

      Oct 13, 2008 at 7:36 pm   rating: 11  small thumbs up

       
    • #13.3   RandyinReno

      I’ve adopted the amy d protocol (see the slow build 26.4): Subject + elipsis = fd.

      “How about The profanity was…; Unit 205 was…; That sarcasm was…; That frat house was…”

      Therefore, CB, Making friends was…

      Better don the unitard

      Oct 13, 2008 at 8:39 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #13.4   Oni

      Aww . . . I just wanted to fit in. Looks like I did it wrong. :(

      Oct 13, 2008 at 8:42 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
    • #13.5   Jahzzie

      So sorry, you has fail, now get in the unitard!

      Oct 14, 2008 at 5:37 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #13.6   RunBarbara bang

      jahzzie, while there are no formal rules about who can issue a unitard punishment, i would like to point out that you really havent been a regular here for long enough to try your hand at it.
      *hands jahzzie a unitard*
      its for your own good.

      Oct 14, 2008 at 5:56 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #13.7   Jahzzie

      *sigh* ok, I’ll wear it, but only if you wear it first, I need it to have a familiar smell on it or else I get claustrophobic. Like I did when I was the under your bed stalker. It took weeks before the screaming stopped!!!!

      Oct 14, 2008 at 10:41 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #14   Krystal Pistol

    This little saga really touched MY (not yours) heart.

    Oct 13, 2008 at 6:38 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

     
  • #15   snee bang

    i’ve got a bike
    you can ride it if you like
    it’s got a basket
    a bell that rings
    and things to make it look good

    it’s got EVERYTHING but a fucking pump, you asshole!

    Oct 13, 2008 at 6:42 pm   rating: 10  small thumbs up

     
  • #16   bean

    who wants a moustache ride?

    Switch over to moustache rides and you’ll definitely be known as someone who gets around! It can fill that void in your soul AND it comes with its own pump!

    Oct 13, 2008 at 6:56 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #17   Nadir

    you are on the top

    Oct 13, 2008 at 7:34 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #18   Canthz_B bang

    A guy who can’t afford a new bike pump can’t really have much of a social life to miss.

    “It’s okay, Honey. You can sit on the handlebars!”

    Oct 13, 2008 at 7:40 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

    • #18.1   secondsout bang

      And if they get married, you know it won’t be a fancy marriage, seeing as he’s unable to afford a carriage. However…

      Oct 13, 2008 at 7:53 pm   rating: 10  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #19   Alt_key bang

    Al Gore would be proud. For the love of the planet, return his bike pump!

    Oct 13, 2008 at 8:34 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

     
  • #20   MsUnreliable

    But *stands* seriously. Just give the poor kid his bicycle *sits* pump back *stands*. Or don’t. More passive aggressive notes for us means more bicycle*sits*-related songs from secondsout.

    Oct 13, 2008 at 8:58 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

     
  • #21   Quite Contrary

    Please
    return my (not yours)
    SELF RESPECT.
    I can’t get anywhere until
    you return it. & can’t afford a
    new one. Please. Don’t make
    my life sucky. Please. Thanks.

    Did you forget to
    return my
    SELF RESPECT?
    (the one I never even offered to
    lend you? Yeah that one. I need it
    back badly. I can’t get around on self
    worth anymore. And it makes me
    sad. Please give me my social life back.
    Please. I have no other self respect. Please.
    Seriously. I need it now.
    K. Thx.

    I MISS MY
    SELF RESPECT
    Please. End the aching in
    my soul. Return my self respect
    to me. I won’t even charge you
    interest. Please. I’m useless and lost
    without the use of my abilities. Please.
    Have mercy. :> But seriously.
    Return it. NOW.

    Oct 13, 2008 at 10:02 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

     
  • #22   Mera

    I don’t know what area of San francisco they live in, but I hear that the public transit here is pretty damn good. And forgetting that, the main city itself is like… a whole two miles and quite walkable.

    Either that, or else I’m just really trying to make up a good excuse for not wanting to exert the physical strength to ride/push a bicycle up one of these damned hills, because the up is the problem, I’ve found, not the down.

    Oct 13, 2008 at 10:17 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #22.1   RunBarbara bang

      if he cant afford a bike pump, i doubt he can afford the $1.50 MUNI ride or the BART tickets. dont get me wrong, i have a car and i still use the public transportation and ride my bike.
      then again, im really awesome.

      Oct 14, 2008 at 12:00 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #22.2   Cookieput bang

      Maybe the writer, like Homer Simpson, thinks public transportation is for jerks and lesbians.

      My friend lives in San Francisco and she has assured me bicycles are as ubiquitous there as mysteriously abandoned shoes are here in New York.

      It should be as difficult for him to find a pump to borrow as it would be for me to slip into some stranger’s gently used flip flops. However, I prefer the 4 train (but that could be the lesbo in me).

      Oct 14, 2008 at 12:05 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #22.3   kansas girl

      A friend once explained to me why I might not want to ride the bus:
      (to the tune of “the wheels on the bus go ’round and ’round”)

      The people on the bus are really poor,
      Really poor,
      Really poor…

      I was never quite sure why that meant I shouldn’t ride the bus, but it did tend to be true in that place, not like the big cities where lots of people of all income levels commute on bus or train.

      Not that this should be a problem for our bike-pump-mourning note writer – he’ll fit right in.

      Oct 14, 2008 at 8:06 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #22.4   dissimilitude

      It’s possible that they got cause & effect mixed up. Where I live, the public transit is so massively fucked up and inefficient that nobody who has any other options uses it. Hence, the people who are left riding the bus (or, generally, sitting at the bus stop at about the time they are supposed to be at work) are really poor. Then they get fired for being late/absent from work due to the transit system and they’re even poorer.

      Oct 14, 2008 at 12:52 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #22.5   mrs. pommelhorst bang

      Did someone say “lesbians” in my area??

      I love lesbians in my area.

      I do not love being celibate.

      Oct 15, 2008 at 3:30 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #23   Canthz_B bang

    Bicycle pump + X = Social life.

    X = Social life – Bicycle pump

    X = Blow-up doll

    ∴ Bicycle pump + Blow-up doll = Social life

    Oct 14, 2008 at 12:58 am   rating: 16  small thumbs up

    • #23.1   aaa

      Hmmm, my social life went down the crapper the second I got blowup dolls. Maybe it’s just because I wasn’t kind enough to share with my friends…

      Oct 14, 2008 at 7:52 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #23.2   Krystal Pistol

      Dammit! No one said there was gonna be math.

      Oct 14, 2008 at 6:40 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #23.3   kansas girl

      If you already have a social life, and you get a blowup doll… I think ur doin it rong.

      Oct 14, 2008 at 7:32 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #24   kansas girl

    It’s weird how, even though his soul is aching, he is smiling so big that the ends of his mouth actually extend above his eyes.

    Maybe he meant to say his face was aching.

    Oct 14, 2008 at 3:47 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

     
  • #25   h!

    What if the pump just spontaneously combusted? Fire cannot read.

    Oct 14, 2008 at 5:06 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

     
  • #26   Dare

    If you don’t return my bike pump, I’ll have no further reason to roll up my pant legs and then I’ll just be another poser!

    Oh wait, I am a poser. K. Thx.

    Oct 14, 2008 at 9:02 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

     
  • #27   Goldie

    Dear B. from Apt. 1,
    I’ll give you your social life back when I’m done with it. Which should be soon, cuz it kind of sucks. Your friends are boring and pimply, and they are FAT, WTF? And there’s only two of them? Also, when I brought your social life home and looked it closer, I found your right hand was a part of it. I don’t want it. You can have it back right now.
    K.Thx

    Oct 14, 2008 at 9:57 am   rating: 7  small thumbs up

     
  • #28   kristen

    i lived without a bike pump for 5 yrs and i was fine. it sucks something was stolen, but seriously. also: where did he leave it that it got stolen? the hallway? what do you expect…

    Oct 14, 2008 at 11:52 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #29   0falcon8 bang

    maybe if he had substituted the word “asshole” for “please” each of the 8 times he used it, he might’ve gotten his bike pump back

    Oct 14, 2008 at 12:47 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

     
  • #30   0falcon8 bang

    my self-worth is defined by my possessions and is seriously deflated. i need my bike pump….please!

    Oct 14, 2008 at 1:05 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

     
  • #31   Ti O bang

    Next door was this sign;
    Please return my
    Cum Dump asap.
    I can’t get anywhere
    until you return it. I
    can’t afford a new one. Please.
    Don’t make my life sucky.
    Please. Thanks.

    Apartment 3G

    Oct 14, 2008 at 3:04 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #31.1   Goldie

      Ooohhh. I always wondered what a “Sump Pump” was. Now I see. People just spell it wrong.

      Oct 14, 2008 at 4:04 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #32   plumpdumpling

    I like “I have no other pump” sounds dirty.

    Oct 14, 2008 at 5:40 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #33   Kristin

    If you didn’t leave your pump out for someone to take…you’d be all good.

    Oct 15, 2008 at 10:21 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #34   lean cuisine

    [...] related: desperate times [...]

    Oct 23, 2008 at 3:45 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #35   TrailofTears bang

    FOR SALE: LIGHTLY USED BICYCLE PUMP

    Save some money in these tough times! Don’t let the bad economy get in the way of your social life! Just fill up your bike tires and get out of the house. Price negotiable.

    Oct 24, 2008 at 9:19 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

     
  • #36   MentalFloss

    We just moved, and I have no idea where my bike pump is. So, when I wanted to use my bike, I just took it to a thing called a “Gas Station”, where they have a super-dee-duper hose outside that magically fills your bike tires with social-life-giving air.

    Whee!

    …I really have my doubts that this person was using the pump for their bike tires. Unless the nearest gas station is miles upon miles away, you would hope to god SOMEONE would be kind enough to drop that little info-bomb on him.

    And sorry, but you really can’t have that much of a social life if all you use to get around is a bike. :P

    Oct 8, 2009 at 11:43 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #36.1   Christine

      I don’t know, as someone who lives in the city, I am inclined to say that you can really have a social life even if you only use a bike to get around. (If I didn’t have to carry large bags at times, that’s all I’d need to get around, even with my car).

      however, anyone who says they can’t afford a bike pump needs to get off their ass and get a job, says I. Things get stolen, that sucks. But your life is not destroyed, hahaa

      Oct 9, 2009 at 2:42 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     

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