desperate times

October 13th, 2008 · 77 comments

need another sign we’re officially in a recession? how ’bout three?

This post is favorited by 0 users

FILED UNDER: "accidental" "borrowing" · bicycle · california · excessive underlining · neighbors · san francisco · smiley · thx

77 responses so far ↓

#1 Frankie

Seriously the store is out of bike pumps.
I have no other kinds of pumps.
*kicks penis pump back under the bed*
Seriously.

Oct 13, 2008 at 4:51 pm rating: +32

reply to this comment
#2 amy d

Uh, dude? Clearly your life is already sucky.

Oct 13, 2008 at 4:59 pm rating: +19

reply to this comment
#3 claw71

So is this what became of the Two Dollars kid from Better Off Dead?

Oct 13, 2008 at 4:59 pm rating: +13

reply to this comment
- #3.1 Mishee
  
  My little brother got his arm stuck in the microwave. So my mom had to take him to the hospital. My grandma dropped acid this morning, and she freaked out. She hijacked a busload of penguins. So it’s sort of a family crisis. Bye!
  
  Oct 13, 2008 at 5:02 pm rating: +3
- #3.2 Ti O
  
  You ski the K-12 dude, and girls will go sterile just looking at you!
  
  Oct 13, 2008 at 6:15 pm rating: +2
- #3.3 0falcon8
  
  hey, lane..i noticed that you are no longer dating that girl beth and i was wondering….
  
  Oct 14, 2008 at 4:09 pm rating: +1
- #3.4 Jahzzie
  
  “And tonight for dinner, we are having, ‘Fronch’ Fries, ‘Fronch toast’ with ‘Fronch’ dressing!!”
  
  Oct 14, 2008 at 5:34 pm rating: +1
- #3.5 Xanthina
  
  Go that way, really fast. If something gets in your way, turn.
  
  Oct 14, 2008 at 5:58 pm rating: +1
- #3.6 0falcon8
  
  he iz always putting heez…how you say…testicles all over me!
  
  Oct 14, 2008 at 6:02 pm rating: +1
- #3.7 Jahzzie
  
  You know, like Octopus….
  Oh, Tenticles! you mean “tenticles”
  ‘nt’, it’s every important.
  
  Oct 14, 2008 at 10:36 pm rating: +1
add to this thread
#4 Mishee

Methinks he wants that bike pump for something more urgent than pumping up his tires… I mean, you can do that at any local gas station… really…

Oct 13, 2008 at 5:01 pm rating: +3

reply to this comment
- #4.1 Donna Martin Graduates!
  
  It looks like female handwriting to me.
  
  That and the desperate smiley face …
  
  Oct 18, 2008 at 12:49 pm rating: 0
add to this thread
#5 amy d

Actually, these signs seem pretty effective with their heartfelt angst. Maybe I should do some signs like these for my missing dildo.

Oct 13, 2008 at 5:03 pm rating: +18

reply to this comment
- #5.1 Frankie
  
  I’ll give it back when I’m done with it. I’ve only had it for like 2 days. Geez. Gosh. Damn. Pfft.
  
  Oct 13, 2008 at 5:06 pm rating: +10
- #5.2 amy d
  
  Maybe so, Frankie, but 2 days without a dildo is like 2 days without food. I mean, like I could die if I don’t find release soon.
  
  Oct 13, 2008 at 5:11 pm rating: +1
- #5.3 RunBarbara
  
  amy, come over later. i have a couple of 40s of king cobra in the mini-fridge and i’ll show you a neat trick that you can do with the cans. you wont even miss your dildo anymore.
  
  Oct 13, 2008 at 5:14 pm rating: +3
- #5.4 Frankie
  
  It was going to be a christmas surprise, but since you won’t let it go it will just be ruined now. I was getting it tricked out for you. It’s still in the shop, but they’re adding a custom motor with 5 speed variations, detachable vibrating scrotum, new paint job featuring life like veins, and it really spits if you know what I mean.
  
  Only problem is you are going to need a bicycle pump to get it going…
  
  Oct 13, 2008 at 5:15 pm rating: +14
- #5.5 amy d
  
  Wait, you’re Pimpin My Dildo?
  
  Also, I’m already “tricked out”. Thanks for reminding me of my shame.
  
  Oct 13, 2008 at 5:21 pm rating: +5
- #5.6 glastonberry
  
  I should do one of these signs for my missing libido.
  
  Oct 13, 2008 at 5:29 pm rating: +19
- #5.7 Frankie
  
  I haven’t even begun to remind you. I love your torn up skanky ass. Ima tear it up even more. Come here girl.
  
  Oct 13, 2008 at 5:32 pm rating: 0
- #5.8 amy d
  
  If your libido is missing, you don’t have any aching in your soul. Or anywhere else, for that matter. You are just empty and don’t care. That would be like putting up a sing asking for your “give a shit” back.
  
  Oct 13, 2008 at 5:32 pm rating: +1
- #5.9 Frankie
  
  Try just going off of any antidepressants. Anxiety, marijuana, and vaginal dryness all cause loss of libido as well.
  
  Oct 13, 2008 at 5:38 pm rating: +1
- #5.10 RunBarbara
  
  vaginal dryness gives me a ladyboner.
  
  Oct 13, 2008 at 5:48 pm rating: +4
- #5.11 Sydney
  
  It’s not so much missing… more like in a place where you can’t see it.
  
  Oct 13, 2008 at 9:49 pm rating: +3
add to this thread
#6 Sloper

No interest? Really? What a deal! Wait a minute… the Fed just dropped the bike pump interest rate to next to zero anyway. Bet you didn’t count on a bike pump thief that watches CNBC…

Oct 13, 2008 at 5:04 pm rating: +5

reply to this comment
#7 RunBarbara

when i need to “end the aching in my soul” i just drink a bottle of jack daniels in the bathtub and leave the door unlocked for claw.

Oct 13, 2008 at 5:10 pm rating: +16

reply to this comment
#8 maude

Maybe if you could express the aching in your soul in the form of a poem? It’s just not coming across…

Oct 13, 2008 at 5:13 pm rating: +5

reply to this comment
#9 Gigi

If she can’t get around on 2 wheels anymore, then that must mean she’s on a trike and has those hard plastic wheels. Well she must have breaked too hard, burned plastic, and made it flat on one side only. “It makes me sad” to think she doesn’t realize how a bike pump won’t help.

Oct 13, 2008 at 5:22 pm rating: +2

reply to this comment
#10 Canthz_B

It’s pretty hard to ride a bicycle wearing pumps…or so I’ve heard!

Oct 13, 2008 at 5:32 pm rating: +6

reply to this comment
- #10.1 Canthz_B
  
  Er……”while wearing pumps”.
  A bicycle wearing pumps is a whole other story!
  
  Oct 13, 2008 at 5:51 pm rating: +4
- #10.2 knunk
  
  interesting… I find any ride is easier while wearing pumps.
  
  Oct 14, 2008 at 5:09 am rating: +4
- #10.3 Canthz_B
  
  You just made my heart flutter, Knunk!
  
  Oct 14, 2008 at 10:56 am rating: +1
add to this thread
#11 Steph

Those things are like $10. Sayin’.

Oct 13, 2008 at 5:59 pm rating: +1

reply to this comment
#12 secondsout

My bike pump has just gotten stolen
My bike pump is missing from me
My bike pump has just gotten stolen
Oh bring back my bike pump to me

Bring back, bring back,
oh bring back my bike pump
To me, to me
Bring back, bring back,
oh bring back my bike pump
To me

I can’t put air in my bike tires
Without bike, I’ve no social life
I’m trying to find me a hipster
A sweaty bike messenger wife

Bring back, bring back,
oh bring back my bike pump
To me, to me
Bring back, bring back,
oh bring back my bike pump
To me

I’m too broke to buy a new bike pump
My tire has an air-leaking hole
Just return my pump with no interest
Please end the aching in my soul

Bring back, bring back,
oh bring back my bike pump
To me, to me
Bring back, bring back,
oh bring back my bike pump
To me

Oct 13, 2008 at 6:01 pm rating: +31

reply to this comment
- #12.1 secondsout
  
  And to get extra tricky, sing this out loud, and every time a word starts with B, either stand up or sit down.
  
  Oct 13, 2008 at 6:02 pm rating: +23
- #12.2 kiff
  
  you win the internet.
  
  Oct 13, 2008 at 6:54 pm rating: +4
- #12.3 zombieBlanco
  
  Act Now! When you order a copy of Passive Aggressive Notes: The Book we will also send you a copy of Bike Pump Aerobics!
  
  This soul-aching exercise video was professionally produced and filmed by Secondsout and features bravura performances by some of your favorite PAN contributors. Don’t miss out on this opportunity to see Mishee, Anglophile, RunBarbara, amy d, and Troy McClure sweating to the beat of the Bike Pump Blues!
  
  Oct 14, 2008 at 1:04 pm rating: +4
add to this thread
#13 Oni

That Bike Pump was fucking delicious.

. . . Did I do it right?

Oct 13, 2008 at 6:16 pm rating: +6

reply to this comment
- #13.1 RunBarbara
  
  yep. its perfect- so perfect in fact that you get a special prize:
  three hours in the unitard. there are some hairs in the crotch, just ignore them. it gets so much use with new people dropping the “f-d” bomb that we dont have a lot of time to wash it.
  anyway, enjoy your yeast infection!
  
  Oct 13, 2008 at 7:15 pm rating: +7
- #13.2 Canthz_B
  
  Making friends…ur doing it rong.
  
  Oct 13, 2008 at 7:36 pm rating: +11
- #13.3 RandyinReno
  
  I’ve adopted the amy d protocol (see the slow build 26.4): Subject + elipsis = fd.
  
  “How about The profanity was…; Unit 205 was…; That sarcasm was…; That frat house was…”
  
  Therefore, CB, Making friends was…
  
  Better don the unitard
  
  Oct 13, 2008 at 8:39 pm rating: +2
- #13.4 Oni
  
  Aww . . . I just wanted to fit in. Looks like I did it wrong.
  
  Oct 13, 2008 at 8:42 pm rating: +6
- #13.5 Jahzzie
  
  So sorry, you has fail, now get in the unitard!
  
  Oct 14, 2008 at 5:37 pm rating: 0
- #13.6 RunBarbara
  
  jahzzie, while there are no formal rules about who can issue a unitard punishment, i would like to point out that you really havent been a regular here for long enough to try your hand at it.
  *hands jahzzie a unitard*
  its for your own good.
  
  Oct 14, 2008 at 5:56 pm rating: +1
- #13.7 Jahzzie
  
  *sigh* ok, I’ll wear it, but only if you wear it first, I need it to have a familiar smell on it or else I get claustrophobic. Like I did when I was the under your bed stalker. It took weeks before the screaming stopped!!!!
  
  Oct 14, 2008 at 10:41 pm rating: 0
add to this thread
#14 Krystal Pistol

This little saga really touched MY (not yours) heart.

Oct 13, 2008 at 6:38 pm rating: +3

reply to this comment
#15 snee

i’ve got a bike
you can ride it if you like
it’s got a basket
a bell that rings
and things to make it look good

it’s got EVERYTHING but a fucking pump, you asshole!

Oct 13, 2008 at 6:42 pm rating: +10

reply to this comment
#16 bean

who wants a moustache ride?

Switch over to moustache rides and you’ll definitely be known as someone who gets around! It can fill that void in your soul AND it comes with its own pump!

Oct 13, 2008 at 6:56 pm rating: +1

reply to this comment
#17 Nadir

you are on the top

Oct 13, 2008 at 7:34 pm rating: +1

reply to this comment
#18 Canthz_B

A guy who can’t afford a new bike pump can’t really have much of a social life to miss.

“It’s okay, Honey. You can sit on the handlebars!”

Oct 13, 2008 at 7:40 pm rating: +8

reply to this comment
- #18.1 secondsout
  
  And if they get married, you know it won’t be a fancy marriage, seeing as he’s unable to afford a carriage. However…
  
  Oct 13, 2008 at 7:53 pm rating: +9
add to this thread
#19 Alt_key

Al Gore would be proud. For the love of the planet, return his bike pump!

Oct 13, 2008 at 8:34 pm rating: +8

reply to this comment
#20 MsUnreliable

But *stands* seriously. Just give the poor kid his bicycle *sits* pump back *stands*. Or don’t. More passive aggressive notes for us means more bicycle*sits*-related songs from secondsout.

Oct 13, 2008 at 8:58 pm rating: +3

reply to this comment
#21 Quite Contrary

Please
return my (not yours)
SELF RESPECT.
I can’t get anywhere until
you return it. & can’t afford a
new one. Please. Don’t make
my life sucky. Please. Thanks.

Did you forget to
return my
SELF RESPECT?
(the one I never even offered to
lend you? Yeah that one. I need it
back badly. I can’t get around on self
worth anymore. And it makes me
sad. Please give me my social life back.
Please. I have no other self respect. Please.
Seriously. I need it now.
K. Thx.

I MISS MY
SELF RESPECT
Please. End the aching in
my soul. Return my self respect
to me. I won’t even charge you
interest. Please. I’m useless and lost
without the use of my abilities. Please.
Have mercy. :> But seriously.
Return it. NOW.

Oct 13, 2008 at 10:02 pm rating: +6

reply to this comment
#22 Mera

I don’t know what area of San francisco they live in, but I hear that the public transit here is pretty damn good. And forgetting that, the main city itself is like… a whole two miles and quite walkable.

Either that, or else I’m just really trying to make up a good excuse for not wanting to exert the physical strength to ride/push a bicycle up one of these damned hills, because the up is the problem, I’ve found, not the down.

Oct 13, 2008 at 10:17 pm rating: +1

reply to this comment
- #22.1 RunBarbara
  
  if he cant afford a bike pump, i doubt he can afford the $1.50 MUNI ride or the BART tickets. dont get me wrong, i have a car and i still use the public transportation and ride my bike.
  then again, im really awesome.
  
  Oct 14, 2008 at 12:00 am rating: +5
- #22.2 Cookieput
  
  Maybe the writer, like Homer Simpson, thinks public transportation is for jerks and lesbians.
  
  My friend lives in San Francisco and she has assured me bicycles are as ubiquitous there as mysteriously abandoned shoes are here in New York.
  
  It should be as difficult for him to find a pump to borrow as it would be for me to slip into some stranger’s gently used flip flops. However, I prefer the 4 train (but that could be the lesbo in me).
  
  Oct 14, 2008 at 12:05 am rating: +5
- #22.3 kansas girl
  
  A friend once explained to me why I might not want to ride the bus:
  (to the tune of “the wheels on the bus go ’round and ’round”)
  
  The people on the bus are really poor,
  Really poor,
  Really poor…
  
  I was never quite sure why that meant I shouldn’t ride the bus, but it did tend to be true in that place, not like the big cities where lots of people of all income levels commute on bus or train.
  
  Not that this should be a problem for our bike-pump-mourning note writer - he’ll fit right in.
  
  Oct 14, 2008 at 8:06 am rating: +1
- #22.4 dissimilitude
  
  It’s possible that they got cause & effect mixed up. Where I live, the public transit is so massively fucked up and inefficient that nobody who has any other options uses it. Hence, the people who are left riding the bus (or, generally, sitting at the bus stop at about the time they are supposed to be at work) are really poor. Then they get fired for being late/absent from work due to the transit system and they’re even poorer.
  
  Oct 14, 2008 at 12:52 pm rating: +2
- #22.5 mrs. pommelhorst
  
  Did someone say “lesbians” in my area??
  
  I love lesbians in my area.
  
  I do not love being celibate.
  
  Oct 15, 2008 at 3:30 pm rating: 0
add to this thread
#23 Canthz_B

painfully polite and hilariously hostile writings from shared spaces the world over

desperate times

October 13th, 2008 · 77 comments

77 responses so far ↓