when mavericks attack

October 15th, 2008 · 132 comments

joe six-pack in san francisco never actually got this note, because our own passive-aggressive pit bull secondsout swiped it from under his windshield wiper. again, my understanding is that he recused himself, but i don’t want to talk about that: i’d like to talk about energy.

and also, too, under the umbrella of job creation, therefore:

related: herbie goes to washington

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FILED UNDER: parking · politics · san francisco

132 responses so far ↓

#1 EyeHeartA2

She loves Polar Bears. They taste like chicken.

Oct 15, 2008 at 3:03 pm rating: +25

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- #1.1 Blaze
  
  Or moose.
  
  Oct 15, 2008 at 3:05 pm rating: 0
- #1.2 RicaB
  
  More like endangered wolf.
  
  (btw, I saw this note in the Haight and it made me giggle. glad to see it here on one of my fave sites!)
  
  Oct 16, 2008 at 7:01 pm rating: 0
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#2 amy d

If you don’t know how to wield a pen so as to write legibly, you should buy a computer and printer.

Signed,

Everyone Else

Oct 15, 2008 at 3:05 pm rating: +16

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#3 Katie

That polar bear was fucking delicious.

Oct 15, 2008 at 3:06 pm rating: +3

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- #3.1 amy d
  
  *a polar bear ambles in and eats Katie*
  
  Oct 15, 2008 at 3:11 pm rating: +21
- #3.2 RunBarbara
  
  polar bear poops katie out and leaves her a crumpled, fish-smelling unitard.
  
  Oct 15, 2008 at 3:18 pm rating: +11
- #3.3 secondsout
  
  Does the unitard smell like fish because the polar bear had it, or because Mishee was wearing it? Either way, Katie, you suck.
  
  Oct 15, 2008 at 3:31 pm rating: 0
- #3.4 Polar Bear
  
  Katie was fucking delicious.
  
  Oct 15, 2008 at 3:34 pm rating: +56
- #3.5 amy d
  
  *amy ambles in, rips the skin off the polar bear and puts it on. Walks through polar bear guts in stilletos and a fur coat*
  
  Oct 15, 2008 at 3:43 pm rating: +6
- #3.6 Frankie
  
  Oh my Amy. I do love your new coat!
  
  Oct 15, 2008 at 4:03 pm rating: +1
- #3.7 Woman on the Verge
  
  amy removes the fur coat, quickly alters it, and then struts away in a fur unitard.
  
  Oct 16, 2008 at 7:40 am rating: +3
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#4 Juliet

The thing about Sarah Palin is that she doesn’t hang around long enough to answer reporters’ questions, let alone long enough to write a note. She probably has a gas guzzling SUV herself.

But that she hates polar bears: pure speculation.

Oct 15, 2008 at 3:09 pm rating: +4

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- #4.1 Agatha Christie
  
  I actually heard she prefers to shoot game from a gas guzzling helicopter, not a gas guzzling SUV.
  
  Oct 15, 2008 at 11:37 pm rating: +1
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#5 RunBarbara

where better to park a huge, unlubricated, guzzling SUV up someone’s ass than San Francisco? the odds of it fitting are so much greater than in any other city.

Oct 15, 2008 at 3:12 pm rating: +39

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- #5.1 Holiday Djinn
  
  you lost me at unlubricated.
  
  Oct 15, 2008 at 4:36 pm rating: +5
- #5.2 RunBarbara
  
  its my way of weeding out the weak.
  
  Oct 15, 2008 at 5:02 pm rating: +9
- #5.3 JoeInLA
  
  Bring it, baby.
  
  Oct 15, 2008 at 8:22 pm rating: +2
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#6 Frankie

Isn’t “signed” supposed to be something you say out loud to convey the fact that it was indeed signed by so and so. It’s like reading a script out loud and including the shiz in the parentheses… Only backwards. I’m confused and in need of a hug and some hot chocolate now.

Oct 15, 2008 at 3:15 pm rating: +19

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#7 Goldie

Oooohhh, so that is what Sarah Palin has got up her ass - a gas-guzzling SUV! Thanks. I always wondered.

Oct 15, 2008 at 3:17 pm rating: +13

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- #7.1 claw71
  
  When Sarah Palin says Drill, baby, drill I imagine putting something up her ass but it’s not an SUV.
  
  Oct 15, 2008 at 3:22 pm rating: +28
- #7.2 Goldie
  
  Sure, it’s bigger… right?
  
  Oct 15, 2008 at 3:42 pm rating: 0
- #7.3 claw71
  
  It depends on whether or not we’re in Alaska. It’s cold up there.
  
  Oct 15, 2008 at 3:47 pm rating: +10
- #7.4 Holiday Djinn
  
  Shrinkage, man’s worst enemy!
  
  Oct 15, 2008 at 4:37 pm rating: +2
- #7.5 chick
  
  “I was in the pool!!!”
  
  Oct 16, 2008 at 11:02 pm rating: 0
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#8 claw71

OK I know for a fact that the note in question was not left by Sarah Palin. For one thing, conservatives like Sarah burst into self-righteous flames if they come within 25 miles of San Francisco and, of course, for Sarah Palin there is no other car besides a piece of shit gas-guzzling SUV.

Oct 15, 2008 at 3:18 pm rating: +24

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- #8.1 secondsout
  
  Well, you might also include a “snow machine,” which is what they call snowmobiles in Alaska. Or a helicopter, which is the preferred form of transportation for hunting wolves.
  
  Oct 15, 2008 at 3:21 pm rating: +4
- #8.2 claw71
  
  Speaking of what the call things in Alaska, do you know what they call a marginally good-looking daughter?
  
  Mistress.
  
  I’m not sure what Bristol’s baby is going to call Sarah…probably what everybody else in the family calls her: your royal highness.
  
  Oh jeez, you didn’t think I was gonna go there didya?
  
  Oct 15, 2008 at 4:09 pm rating: +1
- #8.3 RunBarbara
  
  i knew you would, you always go for the marginally good looking daughter…although in this case, i would have thought you’d be jumping all over the downey one. special ed kids always have raging libidos and really know how to keep secrets, especially if you tell them you’ll kill mommy and daddy if they tell. works every time.
  
  Oct 15, 2008 at 4:45 pm rating: +4
- #8.4 JesFoolin
  
  The Alaskan definition of a virgin:
  
  An ugly third grader.
  
  Oct 15, 2008 at 6:44 pm rating: +1
- #8.5 The Commish
  
  I knew it wasn’t the real Sarah Palin because the note was a complete sentence and everything was spelled correctly.
  
  Oct 15, 2008 at 7:39 pm rating: +21
- #8.6 Sloper
  
  All right now, I live in Alaska, so I feel the need to clear up a few misconceptions. The daughter and ugly-third-grader jokes are technically Alabama jokes (although I can see how you could get mixed up, their abbreviations are so close), and not everybody drives an SUV. There are the bikers, and I think I saw a guy on a bicycle in summer (We call it “two weeks in July”).
  
  But I absolutely agree that this note can not be from Sarah. As any member of the state legislature will tell you, she signs her last name with a heart over the i. Interestingly, this fueled her interest in the vice presidency, as there is a paucity of is in governor.
  
  Oct 15, 2008 at 7:42 pm rating: +26
- #8.7 kansas girl
  
  So you’re saying there’s only one bicycle in Alaska? Sounds about right.
  
  Oct 15, 2008 at 7:54 pm rating: +4
- #8.8 Sloper
  
  Yeah, it’s kind of like that ipod you guys have in KS.
  
  Oct 15, 2008 at 8:05 pm rating: +25
- #8.9 slythwolf
  
  Now Sloper, you know you guys have two months of daylight in the summer. Don’t lie about it.
  
  Oct 15, 2008 at 8:37 pm rating: 0
- #8.10 Sloper
  
  Yeah, but the sun just glances off because of the angle. It’s science. Anyway, they told us there was a sun up there on top of the clouds but we’re a suspicious people. It’s nature.
  
  Oct 15, 2008 at 9:18 pm rating: +9
- #8.11 secondsout
  
  OK, RB, make fun of Palin’s retarded child. But that’s the difference between Palin’s mouth and her vagina. Not everything that comes out of her vagina is retarded.
  
  Oct 16, 2008 at 1:30 am rating: +30
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#9 Bunnee

My husband says things like this all the time. Can he be vice-president now? He’s quite the maverick, so he would fit right in. Wait, I forgot. Since we can see a school from our front yard, he’s decided to be an elementary school principal, with no college degree or teaching experience. Okey-dokey?

Oct 15, 2008 at 3:19 pm rating: +18

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- #9.1 Goldie
  
  This reminds me. I can see a cemetery from my back yard. Any ideas what it would qualify me for? I’m considering a career change.
  
  Oct 15, 2008 at 3:44 pm rating: +3
- #9.2 claw71
  
  McCain’s campaign advisor?
  
  Chairman of the Federal Reserve?
  
  Oct 15, 2008 at 3:57 pm rating: +12
- #9.3 se
  
  Well, the people who occupy that cemetery are in a foreign place, so maybe that qualifies you to be vice-president.
  
  Oct 15, 2008 at 4:19 pm rating: +3
- #9.4 MsUnreliable
  
  You betcha!
  
  Oct 15, 2008 at 4:30 pm rating: 0
- #9.5 GhostWriter
  
  I can see a drive-in movie screen from my backyard, so I’m running for vice-president of Hogwart’s School of Witchcraft & Wizardry.
  
  Oct 15, 2008 at 5:21 pm rating: +5
- #9.6 JesFoolin
  
  A cemetery near your back yard?
  
  Professional necrophiliac? Just think of the advertisement possibilities. Birma Shave anyone?
  
  Oct 15, 2008 at 6:52 pm rating: +1
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#10 Deborah

Bunnee you made my day.

Oct 15, 2008 at 3:23 pm rating: +1

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- #10.1 aaa
  
  *sigh* I’ll ‘tard you up for failing to gigglebrax once the polar bear’s done with it.
  
  Oct 15, 2008 at 3:53 pm rating: 0
- #10.2 amy d
  
  *sings* I wanna ‘tard you up. All night.
  
  Oct 15, 2008 at 4:03 pm rating: +2
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#11 Lorr

Hating polar bears makes baby Al Gore cry.

Oct 15, 2008 at 3:24 pm rating: +18

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#12 Mishee

And people say San Francisco is just a bunch of gays and hippies.

Well.. yeah… but they are angry gays and hippies!

Oct 15, 2008 at 3:33 pm rating: +10

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- #12.1 claw71
  
  You’d be angry too if you had to spend every morning tucking your prolapsed rectum back in.
  
  Oct 15, 2008 at 3:49 pm rating: +4
- #12.2 se
  
  by gosh, there you go again
  
  Oct 15, 2008 at 4:47 pm rating: 0
- #12.3 JoeInLA
  
  Actually I usually ask the guy who’s been fisting me to tuck it back in for me (seeing as how he’s already down there). Saves me the trouble of getting my hands all greasy.
  
  Oct 15, 2008 at 8:26 pm rating: +4
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#13 aaa

I can’t tell if the first note-writer is more angry about secondsout’s failure to drive a hybrid or his alleged poor parking skills.

Oct 15, 2008 at 3:56 pm rating: +1

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- #13.1 secondsout
  
  Not my car. I don’t drive an SUV. For one thing, SUV usually = asshole. For another, I wouldn’t want to try parking a car that big on the street in SF. I was just walking through the Haight and spotted that note under the windshield wiper of an SUV. I didn’t have a camera with me, and wasn’t going to pass up this goldmine for this website, so I just swiped the note.
  
  Oct 15, 2008 at 4:03 pm rating: +14
- #13.2 Frankie
  
  If a PA note is never read by its intended audience is it still PA?
  
  Yes. Yes it is. Bad energy is bad energy is bad energy. Speaking of Palin.
  
  Oct 15, 2008 at 4:10 pm rating: +3
- #13.3 claw71
  
  But S’out is a lousy parker. You can always spot his car: abeat up 1980 Honda Accord with delaminated paint and a pair of boxing gloves hanging from the review mirror. Its the one that takes up half the sidwalk in front of the YMCA.
  
  Oct 15, 2008 at 4:15 pm rating: +2
- #13.4 RunBarbara
  
  i dont think souts bad at parking. he always manages to steer his boat into my parking garage.
  i mean, it is a large spot and its pretty hard to not get at least your front wheels in it, but still…
  
  Oct 15, 2008 at 4:32 pm rating: +1
- #13.5 secondsout
  
  RB, it’s also easy to park there, as so many people have parked there that there’s a worn-down groove in the entryway.
  
  Oct 15, 2008 at 5:11 pm rating: 0
- #13.6 Jahzzie
  
  It’s hard to be able to tell anything with all of the Smug over SF and northern CA in general.
  
  Oct 15, 2008 at 6:27 pm rating: +3
- #13.7 aaa
  
  Ah, I see. I just can’t read, is all.
  
  But I bet you secretly love SUVs, secondsout. Just like all vegetarians secretly love sneaking bacon when they think nobody’s looking.
  
  Oct 15, 2008 at 7:42 pm rating: +3
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#14 Dare

There’s gotta be a joke here about Sarah Palin, SUVs, Children named after building materials, and Down Syndrome. *MUST CONTAIN SELF!!!*

Oct 15, 2008 at 4:24 pm rating: 0

reply to this comment
- #14.1 claw71
  
  The joke will be on us in about 8 months when she gets sworn in as President.
  
  Oct 15, 2008 at 4:29 pm rating: +9
- #14.2 Mishee
  
  Bite your tongue claw.
  
  Does the VP get to be President if the President-Elect has a heart attack after hearing the news that he won?
  
  Cause if so, I will worry even more…
  
  Oct 15, 2008 at 4:45 pm rating: +1
- #14.3 claw71
  
  Mishee:
  
  The answer to that question is yes.
  
  Oct 15, 2008 at 4:48 pm rating: +1

painfully polite and hilariously hostile writings from shared spaces the world over

when mavericks attack

October 15th, 2008 · 132 comments

132 responses so far ↓