It’s Pat!

November 5th, 2008 · 60 comments

On a recent road trip around southern Maine, Noelle and her friends Hilary and Misha spotted this puzzling little note posted in the back of a gas station convenience store.

Pat [redacted] has no authoreity [sic] over anyone, not employees, salespeople, or customers. Pat's job is maintenance of the laundrymat [sic]. Store and grounds and stocking the cooler.

When they left, Noelle says, “The manager ran after us, screaming, ‘What were you girls doing, taking pictures of my store like that?!’” Noelle and her friends fessed up, explaining that they thought the note to Pat was funny, is all. The manager’s reply: “Oh, Pat! Soon as we put up that sign, he quit! That was five years ago. Haven’t seen him since! We just haven’t gotten around to taking the sign down yet.

related: all your baristas are belong to us
extra credit: “laundrymat”

FILED UNDER: CAPS LOCK · gas station · Maine · now that's management · Say wha? · spelling and grammar police

60 responses so far ↓

  • #1   Aimee

    I first read it as two seperate sentences and got really confused there for a minute. Why couldn’t they cut out that huge bar of nothingness for me?

    Poor Pat. I can see why he quit. :(

    Nov 5, 2008 at 11:36 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #1.1   jfruh

      I think it’s actually two separate pieces of paper, taped together, with the top margin of the lower one responsible for the gap. Which just adds extra hilarious points.

      Nov 6, 2008 at 12:07 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

    • #1.2   Canthz_B bang

      A graphic design school graduate the manager ain’t.

      Come to think of it, he/she may not be a grad of any type of school!

      Nov 6, 2008 at 12:20 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #1.3   Brian

      Actually I can think of a number of public schools from which they may well have graduated with honors.

      Nov 6, 2008 at 7:34 am   rating: 7  small thumbs up

  • #2   Tee

    This note worked like a charm. I wonder

    if a similar note would get rid of my arch-nemesis at work?

    Nov 5, 2008 at 11:41 pm   rating: 13  small thumbs up

  • #3   Canthz_B bang

    Pat had to take charge of these nimrods.
    Five years and they still haven’t gotten around to removing a sign to an ex-employee? Pathetic.

    Nov 5, 2008 at 11:54 pm   rating: 49  small thumbs up

    • #3.1   Troy McClure bang

      Well this is five Maine years, CB. It’s not normal time. We’re talking Vacationland, don’t forget.

      But I’d love to hear more about Pat’s failed empire-building efforts.

      Nov 6, 2008 at 12:43 am   rating: 10  small thumbs up

    • #3.2   Canthz_B bang

      I keep seeing Fred Wynne, in Pet Cemetery, as Pat admonishing the locals not to over-load the dryers!

      “Have a cayah theyah with the dryahs!”

      Nov 6, 2008 at 1:00 am   rating: 16  small thumbs up

    • #3.3   Troy McClure bang

      Absolutely. What was it he kept saying in that movie? “I swept this place clean just this mohnin’, but now … the grounds and the laundrymat are stonier!

      Nov 6, 2008 at 1:09 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

  • #4   Canthz_B bang

    “AUTHOREITY” and “LAUNDRYMAT” aye-yup, that’s how we spell-em’ in these pahts.

    Nov 5, 2008 at 11:58 pm   rating: 22  small thumbs up

    • #4.1   amazon bang

      You will respect my authoritah!

      Nov 6, 2008 at 12:13 am   rating: 29  small thumbs up

    • #4.2   BurstingAtTheSeams

      tee hee, amazon, that is exactly what I thought of when I saw that!

      Nov 6, 2008 at 12:48 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #4.3   ohREALLYfool bang

      Me too, I was just getting set to make that comment!

      Nov 6, 2008 at 7:45 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #4.4   amazon

      Ha! Beat you all to it!

      ohREALLYfool, is your screenname a Billy Madison quote? If so, I kinda love you.

      Nov 6, 2008 at 12:43 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #5   Canthz_B bang

    It’s been five years, yet Pat still roams the countryside claiming to be the manager of the Gas-o-laundro-quickie-mart!

    Nov 6, 2008 at 12:02 am   rating: 11  small thumbs up

    • #5.1   James

      “Hey Mister? Don’t I recognise you from somewhere?”

      “Maybe son… you ever heard of the Gas-o-laundro-quickie-mart?”

      “Wait… you’re Pat?”

      (Turns away quickly)
      “Yes… once… but that was… a long time ago…”

      “But… but you were a legend! You used to stock coolers with the best of em!”

      “Coolers? COOLERS!!?!? I OWNED THAT PLACE!!!”

      “But, but..”

      “GET AWAY FROM ME!!! GO!!! JUST… go..” *weeps quietly*

      Nov 6, 2008 at 8:43 am   rating: 42  small thumbs up

  • #6   Robin

    What is even more funny is that someone decided to take a “roadtrip” in southern Maine.

    Nov 6, 2008 at 12:05 am   rating: 15  small thumbs up

    • #6.1   Andy

      That’s because there’s not a hell of a lot to see in southern Maine besides the road.

      Nov 6, 2008 at 2:11 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #6.2   Noelle

      Unfortunately, when you live in Northern Maine, there aren’t a whole lot of places to go on a roadtrip besides Southern Maine.

      Nov 14, 2008 at 9:40 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

  • #7   Troy McClure bang

    Pat sought to build some authority
    Stocking a cooler in Kittery
    His plan was half-assed
    Now five years have passed
    Since he disappeared into obscurity

    Nov 6, 2008 at 12:59 am   rating: 32  small thumbs up

  • #8   Julia

    They haven’t seen him since? What if he killed himself? I mean come on, he must have felt so good knowing he had authority somewhere, and to be told otherwise, well, it must have crushed his spirit. What have these people done?

    Okay I can’t keep that one going. Pat must have been a dick.

    Nov 6, 2008 at 1:55 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

  • #9   claw71 bang

    Pat knew that he was probably exceeding his responsibilities when he began to take charge, but it was that Tony Robbins seminar that started it all. If you can see it, you can be it Tony said. Act as if was another concept Pat embraced.

    In the end it wasn’t the public castration this note represented that forced Pat out, it was yet another mantra that compelled him to move on and seek bigger and better opportunities. You can’t fly like an eagle when you’re surrounded by turkeys is what Pat thought as he noticed the spelling errors and terrible grammar within the laminated note that was directed at him. It was at that moment Pat realized that his lofty aspirations were being squandered at the Ogunquit Fluff and Fold.

    Nov 6, 2008 at 8:09 am   rating: 23  small thumbs up

  • #10   James

    This note gives me the impression that Pat was some sort of Goonies-like “Sloth” creature, made to do menial tasks using his unique strength.

    “Stay away from Pat! He just stocks the cooler and wears an overly tight superman t-shirt… he’s obviously not in a position of authority!”

    Nov 6, 2008 at 8:36 am   rating: 8  small thumbs up

    • #10.1   Julia

      Reminds me of Dane Cook’s “Creepy Guy at Work” bit. Look it up on YouTube.

      Nov 6, 2008 at 10:02 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #10.2   claw71 bang

      Was that a routine he stole from Louis CK too?

      Nov 6, 2008 at 10:16 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

    • #10.3   Julia

      I have absolutely no idea. Don’t all comics steal? XD

      Nov 6, 2008 at 11:07 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

  • #11   Dare

    I always wondered where Pat Robertson started his career. Based off this note, Southern Maine isn’t as good a place for evangelicals as he had originally thought.

    Nov 6, 2008 at 9:28 am   rating: 8  small thumbs up

  • #12   Lurker

    Salespeople and employees are two separate groups of people? Heck, I’d open a store if I could get volunteer salespeople.

    Nov 6, 2008 at 9:48 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #12.1   claw71 bang

      Have you ever worked a real job? I assume this note is referring to salespeople who barge in looking to sell crap. In a “laundrymat” those salespeople could be scam artists trying to sell junk jewlery to customers or marketing reps trying to sell new machines or laundry detergent.

      I picture Pat wedged behind a rusty dryer trying to rewire yet another heating element, because some idiot customer left coins in their pockets that shorted out the machine, getting harassed by a Maytag rep who couldn’t find the manager who was probably in the back sniffing dirty panties again.

      Nov 6, 2008 at 10:23 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #12.2   djr

      SalesPEOPLE are still considered people.

      Employees are just meatbags with a function.

      Nov 6, 2008 at 10:28 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #12.3   Lurker

      Claw – everywhere I’ve worked, the people who barge in looking to sell crap are referred to as “vendors.” Unless they’re, like those door-to-door vacuum salesmen, and they usually only go to people’s homes.

      Nov 6, 2008 at 2:12 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #12.4   Canthz_B bang

      I think claw is referring to “solicitors”. Those unwashed bottom-feeders who’d like to sell you a “new” DVD player fresh out of a duffel bag. Or folks trying to drum up a new service contract when you are quite happy with the services you’ve already contracted for.
      “Vendor” smacks more of the guy who stocks the candy and soda machines, he/she belongs there, the solicitor is generally unwelcome.

      Nov 6, 2008 at 2:44 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #12.5   claw71 bang

      Actually vendors would refer to people who already serve your account. Then you have the people who do “cold calling” where they come in to see if they can steal your business away from one of your vendors. Those are salespeople and they get very annoying.

      CB, is correct as well. In a public business like a “laundrymat” you would have various dirtbags coming in off the street to sell a wide variety of crap.

      Nov 6, 2008 at 3:06 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #12.6   Lurker

      Then it’s even more baffling how the question of Pat’s authoreity over than became an issue!

      Nov 6, 2008 at 3:31 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #12.7   Goldie

      It turns out, Pat had no authoreity to shove that salesperson into a washing machine and turn it on. ‘Course, it didn’t help the poor sales dude. He was traumatized for life and his sales plummeted.

      Nov 6, 2008 at 3:42 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #12.8   Jahzzie

      C’mon, Salespeople are an entirely different species!

      Nov 6, 2008 at 3:54 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #13   Mishee bang

    I guess Pat got sick of living with Rene Hall and all her smoking, so he moved up to Maine, only to be outcast from the local QuickieMart/LaundroCity – and if that wasn’t enough… artist’s block…

    Poor Pat.

    Thank You… Terry.

    Nov 6, 2008 at 10:56 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

  • #14   Frankie bang

    In what store are we, as customers, voluntarily going into where anyone is given any kind of authority over us? Well except for femdom houses.

    The customer is always right. Unless they’re paying to be wrong.

    Nov 6, 2008 at 11:07 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #14.1   unholyghost2003 bang

      I don’t know Frankie … not to quibble but the customer is not always right I mean in pretty much every store clerks have the right to kick you out for being drunk, molesting mannequins, setting fire to the products …

      Nov 6, 2008 at 11:21 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #14.2   claw71 bang

      They might have the right to do so, UHG, but in my experience they rarely take such initiative. Trust me on that one.

      Nov 6, 2008 at 11:33 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #14.3   Canthz_B bang

      Yeah, I’ve molested many a mannequin while in a drunken state and never been hassled by a store clerk.

      TMI? :oops:

      Nov 6, 2008 at 2:51 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

    • #14.4   amy d bang

      CB, that wasn’t a mannequin. That was me. I am a freeze model.

      Thanks, btw :twisted:

      Nov 6, 2008 at 3:06 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #14.5   Canthz_B bang

      I wondered when they started putting nipples on mannequins! :-P

      Nov 6, 2008 at 3:14 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #14.6   claw71 bang

      As if CB would notice nipples. From what RB’s mom told me CB thinks Foreplay is an emo pop band out of England.

      Nov 6, 2008 at 5:05 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #14.7   Canthz_B bang

      Whoa!! Back-read the threads.
      I don’t even know RB’s mom!
      Mishee’s either, while we’re on the subject.
      I stay out of those matters. ;-)

      Nov 6, 2008 at 8:04 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

  • #15   GhostWriter bang

    Pat’s Story -

    “One time, five years ago, I muttered, ‘We really need some new dryers around here…‘ How was I supposed to know that a conivving GE salesman, lurking behind our Jeff Gordon cut-out, would take my words as an official order? Those snakes will try anything to make their 2nd quarter numbers! Four dryers show up the following Monday, and Clancy (pronounced, ‘Clan-say’) the manager goes ballistic.

    That was the day I enlisted for my tour in Iraq.

    Nov 6, 2008 at 11:17 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

  • #16   jill

    i think there’s something fishy here….

    the note still in place after 5 years….
    the manager’s reaction to pictures being taken….
    the statement “pat left and we haven’t seen him since”…..

    i think there was foul play….

    Nov 6, 2008 at 11:41 am   rating: 7  small thumbs up

    • #16.1   claw71 bang

      Guido: So, ya know, we want you to order all your soap from this distributor.

      Pat: Ayuh, well…ya cahn’t get thah from heayuh.

      Guido: What?

      Pat: Dah soap. Yah cahn’t deliver soap from Bangah. It’s in dah othah county an’ yah haftah pay shipping fees to cross dah county line, ayuh.

      Guido: What the fuck are you talkin ’bout? We don’t pay no shipping.

      Pat: Well…maybe you big citeh dagos don’t pay cross county shippin’ fees but down east in Maine yah can’t ship soap ovah county lines lessin yah pay dah shippin toll.

      Guido: I don’t give a fuck, you pay the shipping.

      Pat: I cahn’t do that.

      Guido: If you know what’s good for you you can.

      Pat: Ayuh, that’s where yah might be mistakin’. Yah see, dah managah pays dah shippin’ toll and yah haftah talk to him

      Guido: Then why Am I wasting time with you?

      Pat: Ayuh….That’s more or less what I was thinkin’

      Nov 6, 2008 at 1:09 pm   rating: 10  small thumbs up

  • #17   Summer

    …so Pat’s not the boss of ME!!!!!!!

    Nov 6, 2008 at 1:00 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

  • #18   Lurker

    Pat (who changed his name from Pete)
    Walked around in his stocking feet
    While stocking coolers late at night,
    And barking orders left and right.
    His stocking feet were caked with goo
    Because he never cleaned his shoes;
    We couldn’t train old Laundry Pat
    To wipe them on the laundry mat.

    Nov 6, 2008 at 2:20 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

  • #19   GhostWriter bang

    Bonus Sing-Along Track!
    (straight from some Redneck County Fair…)

    Oh, we kinda give him his cooler-wide jurisidiction
    He likes to get in there and manage the place
    Well, he tries to assume he’s “in charge” through some delegation
    He forgets his job is only maintenance-based
    So I say-

    Pat’s no authoreity, authoreity isn’t his
    Pat’s no authoreity, authoreity isn’t his
    Well, he’s been trying to boss around employees, both the guys and women
    But Pat’s no authoreity, authoreity isn’t his!

    So I call out to Pat, “Hey,”
    I say, “Give me some Sprite on Rack 5.”
    He said , “We don’t need no Sprite, we need Sierra Mist.”
    He said, “I told Coke salesguy to go home, we weren’t buying”
    Ooh, now Pat, you’re really startin’ to get me pissed

    And I said-
    Pat’s no authoreity, authoreity isn’t his
    Well, Pat’s no authoreity, authoreity isn’t his
    Well, he’s been trying to boss around employees, both the guys and women
    But Pat’s no authoreity, authoreity isn’t his!

    Nov 6, 2008 at 5:25 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

  • #20   0falcon8 bang

    i fought authoreity, and, well, i won, ’cause pat ain’t got shit!

    Nov 7, 2008 at 12:36 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #21   0falcon8 bang

    even though pat was denied authoreity over people, the sign did grant him command of the laundymat, grounds, the cooler and its contents. he wielded his power over inanimate objects like an evil despot until he was overthrown from the coup of ’03 and was never seen around the Suds ‘n’ Sudz again.

    Nov 7, 2008 at 12:50 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

  • #22   0falcon8 bang

    note to self:
    if i should ever find myself as the low man on the totem-pole in a local small town gas station/food mart/laundrymat, serious reevaluation of my life choices must be made immediately

    Nov 7, 2008 at 1:05 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #23   tom

    I know that guy. He’s a complete asshole.

    Nov 7, 2008 at 4:21 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

  • #24   john

    Misha was on this road trip with Noelle? Wait – isn’t there a new movie out called Pat and Misha Make a Porno?

    Nov 7, 2008 at 9:49 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #24.1   Hilary!

      oh my christ. this is certainly not the same misha. this misha is an eskimo. for real.

      Nov 14, 2008 at 1:36 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #25   Fern

    I think Pat works at Dunder Mifflin now…

    Nov 7, 2008 at 12:05 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #26   Woman on the Verge

    The real reason Pat left? He was insulted by the lack of clipart in this note. I mean, really, c’mon. No cute cartoons of guys showing butt crack while working on the washers? No bubbling cans of soda? No red circle with a slash over the name ‘Pat’?

    Nov 8, 2008 at 10:14 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

  • #27   we’re not naming names, but…

    [...] related: it’s pat! [...]

    Dec 18, 2008 at 1:55 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up


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