next on fish with low self-esteem

November 9th, 2008 · 138 comments

“as a college student used to her freedom, i’m sometimes gone for days at a time when i’m home for the summer,” explains jesse from gurnee, illinois, admitting that during this time, her betta fish, freddie mercury, tends to go unfed.

“my 14-year old-sister has shown him mercy a a few times,” jesse says, and admirably, “she’s never asked for thanks.” but freddie, it seems, has had just about enough of this neglect.

up next on fish with low self-esteem

related: through a glass bowl, darkly
extra credit: “you can call me the manatee!” [youtube]

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FILED UNDER: anthropomorphism · family · guilt trip · illinois


138 responses so far ↓

  • #1   zenvelo

    Freddie has interesting reading choices. I wonder if that’s how he learned to write?

    Nov 9, 2008 at 11:19 am   rating: +14  

    • #1.1   bean

      This fish has MOST EXCELLENT tastes in reading! That’s Lamb right there, that is! Most excellent tastes indeed!

      Nov 9, 2008 at 2:47 pm   rating: +1  

       
    • #1.2   Juliet

      “Lamb” was hilarious!

      Nov 9, 2008 at 3:56 pm   rating: 0  

       
    • #1.3   Amandasaurus

      Is it sad that the fact that Christopher Moore’s “Lamb” was on the bowl was the first thing I noticed? Brief anecdote…
      I was on vacation in San Francisco this summer, and brought Moore’s Book “You Suck” along to read. Unfortunately, I finished it on the first day of the trip. I noticed that the book took place in San Fran, as did a few of his others, and figured he was probably from there. I trekked on down to City Lights Bookstore to pick up something else of his, but they didn’t carry anything.
      In the back of “You Suck” was his email address. I jotted him a quick note from my iPhone to tell him that they didn’t have his books. He responded five minutes later with, “They don’t carry my stuff because I’m not ‘cool’ enough :(”

      In retrospect, I should have printed his email and left it, folded, on the shelf where his books would have been. “City Lights doesn’t carry Christopher Moore’s books. I guess he’s not ‘cool’ enough.”
      Yet another missed PAN opportunity…

      Nov 9, 2008 at 10:13 pm   rating: +8  

       
    • #1.4   bean

      The Chris Moore site is totally how I found about this one; someone posted it, but I can’t remember which thread… I love that it kinda came full circle this way!

      He is BY FAR the coolest.

      Nov 9, 2008 at 10:17 pm   rating: +2  

       
    • #1.5   BredWell

      Fish literature is highly over-rated. Christopher Moore, on the other hand, is fine food for felines. (aaaah . . . alliteration!)

      Nov 10, 2008 at 11:18 am   rating: 0  

       
    • #1.6   Christopher Moore

      Awe, you guys are nice. Just for that, I’ll keep writing books. (I do wish you’d left that note at City Lights. The wankers.

      Yeah, it’s me. :)

      Nov 10, 2008 at 9:06 pm   rating: +11  

       
     
  • #2   Wesley

    Yes, that’s very funny, but beta fish should not be kept in a bowl. He needs at least 5 gallons, a heater to keep the water at at least 78 degrees, and a filter. Even if he is being fed enough, he is not being properly taken care of!

    Poor fish.

    Nov 9, 2008 at 11:30 am   rating: +32  

    • #2.1   MoxieHart

      I’m calling Fish Protective Services.

      Nov 9, 2008 at 11:49 am   rating: +34  

       
    • #2.2   John the Fish Guy

      Actually, Betas are native to the rice patties of Asia and thus they don’t like the water to be moving around so the filter isn’t necessarily a good idea. I’m with you on the 5 gallon tank though.

      Nov 9, 2008 at 12:32 pm   rating: +13  

       
    • #2.3   Bunnee

      How about the books piled on top? Does he not need oxygen, too?

      Nov 9, 2008 at 11:01 pm   rating: +8  

       
    • #2.4   amazon

      Next you’re going to say that he looks lonely, and needs another beta fish in the tank with him to keep him company. ;)

      Nov 10, 2008 at 5:33 am   rating: +8  

       
    • #2.5   tinkerbell2

      I used to have 3 bettas - Jean-Claude and his two concubines, Edith Piaf and Marie-Antoinette. Edith committed suicide by jumping out and vanishing down the back of the book-case. I blame myself for giving her such a depressing name.

      Not relevant, perhaps. Ooh, yes it is - my point was that her betta could have a friend in there as long as she was a lady-friend. Betta safe than sorry.

      Nov 10, 2008 at 7:33 am   rating: +20  

       
    • #2.6   djr

      I agree. Just because something *can* survive in a certain environment doesn’t mean it should be made to *have* to.

      Nov 10, 2008 at 10:32 am   rating: +6  

       
     
  • #3   Julia

    Wow I would feel like shit if someone left me that note. Holy guilt trip, batman!

    Nov 9, 2008 at 11:35 am   rating: +9  

     
  • #4   Ti O

    Team younger sis. Jesse is a self absorbed prat that would be sans one fish if it weren’t for her sister.

    Nov 9, 2008 at 11:47 am   rating: +41  

     
  • #5   MoxieHart

    That Me Write Book looks interesting, what’s it about?

    Nov 9, 2008 at 11:50 am   rating: 0  

    • #5.1   anglophile

      It’s a heartbreaking, yet funny autobiography of Freddie Mercury, chronicling the life of a hungry, cold, cramped betta fish who overcame all obstacles and learned to type by leaping out of the bowl onto the keyboard, only to be recaptured and incarcerated again. I laughed, I cried, I fed my goldfish to my cat to ease its suffering.

      Nov 9, 2008 at 12:11 pm   rating: +63  

       
    • #5.2   Timo

      Christopher Moore is hilarious. “Island of the Sequined Love Nun” and “Bloodsucking Fiends: A Love Story” are my favourites!

      Nov 9, 2008 at 1:20 pm   rating: +2  

       
    • #5.3   Amanda

      It’s by Graham Roumieu, an autobiography of Bigfoot. It’s extraordinarily funny, I highly recommend it!

      Nov 9, 2008 at 2:01 pm   rating: +1  

       
    • #5.4   bean

      Chris Moore is coming out with a new book this feb (I believe) called Fool, just a heads up Timo! :D

      Did you read Love Sucks, the sequel to BSF?

      Nov 9, 2008 at 2:50 pm   rating: 0  

       
    • #5.5   anglophile

      Timo: favourites? Is this an inside Chris Moore joke, or did you suddenly become British? ;)

      Nov 9, 2008 at 2:55 pm   rating: +1  

       
    • #5.6   Juliet

      Maybe Timo is Canadian. We tend to throw in extra ‘u’s into words:

      Neighbour
      Favourite
      Colour
      Moustache

      and so on. Don’t know if it is a Moore joke, I hope so!

      Nov 9, 2008 at 3:59 pm   rating: +2  

       
    • #5.7   anglophile

      I could have asked if he was Australian or New Zealander (?), too, but I figured I’d go straight to the source. ;)

      Nov 9, 2008 at 4:04 pm   rating: +4  

       
    • #5.8   James

      Sorce?

      Nov 9, 2008 at 5:39 pm   rating: +10  

       
    • #5.9   Canthz_B

      Yes, “sorce”. It’s what sorcerers do. :lol:

      Nov 9, 2008 at 8:43 pm   rating: +9  

       
    • #5.10   jackie31337

      My guess with a name like Timo is that he’s Finnish. It used to be that Finns learned British English in school. I think now they might teach both British and American English, or maybe even American English exclusively.

      Nov 10, 2008 at 7:21 am   rating: 0  

       
    • #5.11   anglophile

      My guess is that Timo lives somewhere in AZ, probably Phoenix, but has solid midwestern roots, probably Wisconsin, based on the language of his past postings, but that would just be a rough guess.

      Nov 10, 2008 at 7:57 am   rating: +1  

       
    • #5.12   Timo

      Voi sinua tunne minua? On totta, olen kotoisin puolivälissä länteen, mutta asuu Lounais nyt.

      Nov 10, 2008 at 8:32 am   rating: 0  

       
    • #5.13   Timo

      Haluaisin täysin suudella ja koskettaa englantilaisystävällinen jos minulla oli saatavilla mies ja hän oli yksin. Hän on hyvin herttainen ja kaunis.

      Nov 10, 2008 at 8:47 am   rating: +2  

       
    • #5.14   Goldie

      Terve, uustää! But seriously, holy cow! Is there a language you do not speak?

      Nov 10, 2008 at 9:38 am   rating: 0  

       
    • #5.15   Timo

      Olen alkanut pitää sinusta enemmän arjessa. Haluatko suudella ja halata? :wink: :lol:

      Nov 10, 2008 at 10:58 am   rating: 0  

       
    • #5.16   Goldie

      Yeah, sure, why not :)
      Actually my knowledge of Finnish is pretty much limited to “terve uustää”, plus I can count to five. I’m fluent in Russian, though :)

      Nov 10, 2008 at 1:08 pm   rating: 0  

       
    • #5.17   Timo

      Sorry I know nothing of Russian that is beyond rudimentary elements; Where to eat, where to drink, where is the bathroom and where to sleep.

      Nov 10, 2008 at 1:28 pm   rating: 0  

       
    • #5.18   Goldie

      If you want to learn how to swear in Russian, you’ve come to the right person :)

      Nov 10, 2008 at 1:48 pm   rating: 0  

       
    • #5.19   ????? ??????????

      Or if you just want a Russian to swear at, you’ve come to the right person.

      —Borya

      (Hey, what gives? ????? ?????????? showed correctly in the preview… but I guess Cyrillic is not allowed on this site. Next you’re going to tell me I can’t use Arabic or Chinese, either. Which would be okay, actually, since I don’t know how to write Arabic or Chinese.)

      Nov 11, 2008 at 1:11 pm   rating: 0  

       
    • #5.20   Timo

      Nov 11, 2008 at 1:25 pm   rating: +2  

       
     
  • #6   Denagh

    I love this note! “feed me to the cat” too funny! Ppl should NOT Have pets if they don’t take care of them. Go Team little Sister!

    Nov 9, 2008 at 12:00 pm   rating: +18  

    • #6.1   Juliet

      I too love this note.

      Nov 9, 2008 at 4:02 pm   rating: 0  

       
     
  • #7   Nini

    Yup, Jesse would have been better off buying herself another Frappucino instead of a fishie… go little sister! You should adopt Freddy and give him a proper tank…

    Nov 9, 2008 at 12:09 pm   rating: +15  

    • #7.1   BurstingAtTheSeams

      I’ve decided to gigglebrax a comment here for no other reason than to use the word gigglebrax.

      Hopefully it will earn its place in the internet world among other great words, like lolcat and noob.

      Then it can be credited back here to PAN, and its creator, Unholyghost2003.

      Nov 9, 2008 at 10:00 pm   rating: +1  

       
    • #7.2   unfortunate names blog

      gigglebrax is the new traclked

      Nov 14, 2008 at 7:33 pm   rating: 0  

       
     
  • #8   Jon

    Is the title an Arrested Development reference?

    Nov 9, 2008 at 12:35 pm   rating: +4  

     
  • #9   Ed Knittel

    Sounds to me like Jesse doesn’t know much about what responsibility means. The only reason that you should be “gone for days” is if you’ve scored yourself a couple of eightballs and a few hookers. Be sure to get a couple of dime bags to take the edge off.

    Otherwise, commit to what you committed to and start acting like an adult.

    Nov 9, 2008 at 12:59 pm   rating: +33  

    • #9.1   BurstingAtTheSeams

      Perhaps that’s just what Jesse has been doing. Give her the benefit of the doubt…

      Jesse + Hookers = no food for Beta

      Nov 9, 2008 at 9:55 pm   rating: +2  

       
    • #9.2   Canthz_B

      Jesse + dime bags = Beta for food

      Nov 9, 2008 at 10:11 pm   rating: +5  

       
    • #9.3   BurstingAtTheSeams

      If
      Jesse + Hookers = no food for Beta
      and
      Jesse + dime bags = Beta for Food
      Then
      Jesse + Hookers + Dime bags = _____?

      Nov 9, 2008 at 11:00 pm   rating: +5  

       
    • #9.4   Bunnee

      Tuesday afternoon…

      Nov 9, 2008 at 11:04 pm   rating: +1  

       
    • #9.5   aaa

      Jesse + Hookers + Dime bags = a swiss-cheesed syphilitic brain for Jesse and a new fish for Jesse’s little sister

      Nov 9, 2008 at 11:19 pm   rating: +1  

       
     
  • #10   Eric B.

    Am I to assume from this note that the cat is not being fed, either? What a house of horrors!

    Nov 9, 2008 at 1:00 pm   rating: +45  

     
  • #11   Timo

    I would like a little tartar sauce on my fish with low self esteem. But a squeeze of lemon juice and a grind of pepper will do too.

    Nov 9, 2008 at 1:15 pm   rating: +8  

     
  • #12   RiNK

    Note=funny
    Little sister=awesome
    Jesse=asshole

    Nov 9, 2008 at 1:21 pm   rating: +31  

     
  • #13   Canthz_B

    Who feeds her Betta while she’s away at school enjoying “her freedom”?
    This note seems tame compared to what her roomie probably left her. Why is Jesse keeping those from us?
    Something is fishy here!

    Nov 9, 2008 at 1:27 pm   rating: +4  

     
  • #14   Canthz_B

    Jesse’s sister did NOT write this note…

    …the cat did!! ;-)

    Nov 9, 2008 at 1:30 pm   rating: +35  

    • #14.1   anglophile

      If that were true, CB, it would read:

      o hai! Tiffny fed mee no thnx too u

      Doo u wants mee ded?

      Jsut feede mee too teh kitteh

      Nov 9, 2008 at 2:58 pm   rating: +57  

       
    • #14.2   Mishee

      We all know that kittehs prefer cheezburgers to fishies.

      Nov 10, 2008 at 1:42 pm   rating: +6  

       
    • #14.3   Fillet Mcfishermann

      What about one of my fine fish Mcsammiches lass?

      Nov 10, 2008 at 4:03 pm   rating: 0  

       
     
  • #15   HairySwede

    Betas can live for a long time without food.

    I was gone for 6 weeks and just threw my beta into the bathtub full of water and a couple of two week slow release fish food biscuits. The fish was still alive when I came back. Kind of a reddish color but alive and my apartment smelled awful but aside from that no noticeable damage.

    Nov 9, 2008 at 2:18 pm   rating: +4  

    • #15.1   Canthz_B

      Explains why cats follow you. :mrgreen:

      Nov 9, 2008 at 2:52 pm   rating: +2  

       
    • #15.2   jess

      thats so cruel. i cried when my beta died. sounds like you didnt care if yours was really there when you got home. did you not have any friends or family members to fish sit him?

      Nov 9, 2008 at 3:35 pm   rating: +8  

       
    • #15.3   amazon

      Jess, welcome to the internet, where people often say horrible things for sarcasm and/or shock value.

      …at least I hope that story wasn’t actually real…

      Nov 10, 2008 at 5:29 am   rating: +3  

       
    • #15.4   Goldie

      You guys have no heart. Take, for example, my husband, Mr. Goldie. Maybe you will learn from him. A few weeks ago, Mr. Goldie’s friend took him fishing. Mr.Goldie caught a steelhead and brought him home. Did he turn the steelhead into a fish filet, fish broth and fish stew? No. My saintly husband named the fish Harry and built a home for him in our bathtub. I haven’t had a bath in weeks. My coworkers are complaining about the smell, but none of it matters as long as Harry is happy. He is very affectionate and cuddly and truly a family member. We take turns reading to Harry from our beloved Russian classics. He especially enjoys Dostoyevsky. When we’re at work, a certified fish sitter comes to watch Harry for a mere $20/day. What should we get Harry for Christmas? We’ve been thinking a blow dryer