Sigh. Half the people in your department just got pink-slipped, your 401(k) is worth shit, and now, just when you thought things couldn’t get any worse…they’re coming for your muffin, too.
All in the name of shareholder value!
(Leaked by Sayf in Greenwich, Connecticut.)
related: Lean cuisine
extra credit: Morgan Stanley cancels Christmas, jobs [dealbreaker]
128 responses so far ↓
#1
shirky
waah! I missed the funny. damn flickr-taker-downers.
Nov 10, 2008 at 11:07 pm rating: 0
#2
Becky
I see it. I couldn’t in my reader, but when I clicked on the link I can see it. And get a life indeed, Morgan.
Nov 10, 2008 at 11:16 pm rating: 0
#3
Halley
under the PAN of the day, there is an ad for 1800SUICIDE. . . it says “four years ago I wrote this suicide note… and I’m still alive.”
I got confused for a second that THAT was the PAN. Does it make me a bad person that it seemed whiny and PAN worthy?
Anyway, the fact that Morgan’s muffin being fucking delicious aside, there are a ton of different ways to handle muffin theft. . . perhaps a muffin chastity belt. . .
Nov 10, 2008 at 11:28 pm rating: 24
#4
aaa
I can’t tell which is more of a dick move, stealing other people’s food or posting a whiny note where “muffins” and “company” are capitalized.
Nov 10, 2008 at 11:29 pm rating: 22
#5
emma
I am a shareholder and I am fucking pissed. Muffins are the foundation of any company and generating revenue without them is impossible.
Nov 10, 2008 at 11:29 pm rating: 44
#6
MoxieHart
Why is it especially bad to steal muffins? Are muffins the new currency?
Nov 10, 2008 at 11:37 pm rating: 19
#7
TS
That muffin was fucking delicious.
Nov 10, 2008 at 11:37 pm rating: 1
#8
CanadianMoose
Next time they should just steal the muffin top, since
a) it’s the best part of the muffin
b) Morgan would schedule a office-wide seminar on the ramifications of stealing food
c) the image of hearing a angry/exasperated scream and a muffin stump fly by sounds too comical pass up
I wonder what would happen if someone took Morgan’s blueberry danish… oh the humanity!
Nov 10, 2008 at 11:42 pm rating: 12
#9
BurstingAtTheSeams
So, shareholders should be pissed… that should is the kicker there, Morgan. They should be, but are they?
Nov 10, 2008 at 11:44 pm rating: 6
#10
falterdecadence
Muffins are a legitimate breakfast food in the US? I need to get my arse over there.
Nov 10, 2008 at 11:52 pm rating: 2
#11
Julia
While the note is poorly written, I feel the writer’s pain. Nothing sucks more than some douchebag eating your food.
Of course, they’re working with animals, at least as far as I can tell from the “PAWS OFF,” so they should have expected it, really.
Nov 10, 2008 at 11:58 pm rating: 23
#12
secondsout
What happens if the muffin is mine and has someone else’s name on it? I just don’t think Little Debbie is actually going to come claim it.
Nov 11, 2008 at 12:09 am rating: 30
#13
secondsout
“Steal my food again and you will pay!”
Pay? Isn’t that antithetical to the idea of stealing? If I’ve paid, it isn’t stolen.
Nov 11, 2008 at 12:11 am rating: 36
#14
secondsout
Morgan, eh? Are muffins part of the Captain’s hangover cure?
Nov 11, 2008 at 12:13 am rating: 6
#15
bean
Ok, sure. Stealing muffins makes for moody employees, but so the fuck does PMS. Damn bitch! No one, especially the stockholders, gives a good god damn about what’s going on with your muff
-in.
Nov 11, 2008 at 12:15 am rating: 8
#16
you suck at craigslist
Why is stealing muffins worse than anything else?
Nov 11, 2008 at 12:40 am rating: 2
#17
Troy McClure
If muffin theft is so powerful a demotivator, perhaps Morgan should consider his Company’s competitors as possible culprits.
Also, does it actually create unproductive and moody employees? I’m not sure what their legal status would be then, but I think with a bit of tweaking this could be very profitable. The Company should experiment with the theft of other, more legitimate breakfast foods, in the hope exnihilating some cheerful go-getters. Maybe waffles? Beans on toast? Krygsíld? (Where is your arse now, Falterdecadence?)
Nov 11, 2008 at 12:49 am rating: 4
#18
Canthz_B
I wonder if “Get a Life Morgan” is related to “Anytime Stan”?
Nov 11, 2008 at 12:55 am rating: 14
#19
Canthz_B
Maybe they can get the shareholders to support a line item in the budget to provide “motivational muffins” to all employees.
Nov 11, 2008 at 1:00 am rating: 4
#20
Canthz_B
You’d think that someone who works at the “Company” would be able to apprehend a muffin bandit.
But then again, they were wrong about WMD in Iraq, so maybe not.
Nov 11, 2008 at 1:03 am rating: 6
#21
Canthz_B
This actually makes sense.
Stealing (bran) muffins leads to constipation (unproductive), which leads to irritable (moody) employees.
Nov 11, 2008 at 1:10 am rating: 5
#22
Scaryduck
It wasn’t me. I’m a jam donut kind of guy.
Nov 11, 2008 at 4:47 am rating: 1
#23
Fred
Okay, Morgan. From now on I’ll just rub my dong on the muffins and put ‘em back. You win.
Nov 11, 2008 at 5:54 am rating: 12
#24
Wade
“I don’t know. Every man has his breaking point.”
– Morgan “Get A Life” Freeman from “The Spunkmeyer Redemption”
Nov 11, 2008 at 6:52 am rating: 3
#25
Holiday Djinn
I would think baking a batch of chocolate muffins laced with a laxative would put an end to muffin thievery pretty quickly.
Another way would be to get a hooker with a really bad herpes outbreak on her lips to lick the muffin before you put it in the fridge. If you cannot find a proper hooker, just ask Mishee to lick it.
Nov 11, 2008 at 7:44 am rating: 8
#26
Timo
The Muffin Man is seated at the table in the laboratory of the Utility Muffin Research Kitchen.
Nov 11, 2008 at 8:37 am rating: 1
#27
claw71
No, M, I most certainly will not pay. That, my dear, is more or less the point. If your Muffin is that important I would advise you to implement more effective Muffin security measures because an unattended Muffin is a community Muffin.
Nov 11, 2008 at 9:23 am rating: 2
#28
Goldie
This note was actually written by Morgan Spurlock, from Supersize Me. Ever since that movie, Morgan has been addicted to McMuffins. Steal a muffin from Morgan and face his wrath. On an unrelated note, did you notice there’s been a lot of Hollywood actors dying lately?
Nov 11, 2008 at 9:45 am rating: 5
#29
GhostWriter
When a hungry Morgan finally returned home, he noticed the muffin he had left on his kitchen counter that morning.
Sure, he left the sign up; sometimes people just gotta vent.
Nov 11, 2008 at 10:44 am rating: 11
#30
Woman on the Verge
Obviously this is a muffin Company. The capital ‘C’ points out its shadowy connections to a government conspiracy which Morgan is trying desperately to contain. As a shareholder, I am deeply concerned about muffin theft which is directly eating into the Company’s profits and thereby assisting my stock holding’s rapid descent into hell.
Nov 11, 2008 at 10:46 am rating: 1
#31
claw71
In spite of everything the shareholders aren’t pissed.
Nov 11, 2008 at 11:45 am rating: 2
#32
JoelWhy
Anyone else get the feeling that Morgan=Dwight from The Office?
Nov 11, 2008 at 12:10 pm rating: 2
#33
Andy
Paws? Fins do a damn fine job, too, Morgan!
Get a life!
- Freddie Mercury
P.S. That Muffin was fu…. ah, forget it.
Nov 11, 2008 at 12:39 pm rating: 2
#34
Lurker
It all makes sense now. The stock market crash didn’t have anything to do with subprime mortgages. Shareholders were just pissed off about the lousy customer service they were getting from unproductive, moody, underfed, hypoglycemic, constipated, lifeless office drones.
Nov 11, 2008 at 2:17 pm rating: 3
#35
Nunavut Guy
On today of all days,only chew that muffin and not swallow.
Lest we digest.
Nov 11, 2008 at 2:21 pm rating: 2
#36
Canthz_B
Is failing to reveal on your résumé that you don’t work well unless you have your daily muffin grounds for termination?
Nov 11, 2008 at 4:51 pm rating: 2
#37
MW
Fuck muffins. Eat a bagel.
Nov 11, 2008 at 5:03 pm rating: 1
#38
Nunavut Guy
Turning a muffin into a bagel is called foreplay.
Nov 11, 2008 at 7:51 pm rating: 3
#39
hydromjstik
remind me to bring up the muffin theft at the next shareholders AGM….
Nov 11, 2008 at 10:17 pm rating: 0
#40
Becky
Even muffins? ESPECIALLY muffins! This is hilarious.
Nov 13, 2008 at 1:54 pm rating: 0
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