we didn’t “steal” your muffin

we didn’t “steal” your muffin — we leveraged it

November 10th, 2008 · 128 comments

sigh. half the people in your department just got pink-slipped, your 401(k) is worth shit, and now, just when you thought things couldn’t get any worse…they’re coming for your muffin, too.

all in the name of shareholder value!

(leaked by sayf in greenwich, connecticut.)

related: lean cuisine
extra credit: morgan stanley cancels christmas, jobs [dealbreaker]

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FILED UNDER: connecticut · greenwich · money · not-so-veiled threats · office fridge · rebuttals · stealing · touching

128 responses so far ↓

#1 shirky

waah! I missed the funny. damn flickr-taker-downers.

Nov 10, 2008 at 11:07 pm rating: 0

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- #1.1 hall monitor
  
  Very creative (and effective) use of bold, underline, and CAPS.
  
  Here’s an idea…Eat your muffins at home!
  
  Nov 11, 2008 at 9:24 am rating: +4
- #1.2 Goldie
  
  Aw, HM, you are so freakin cute… You know, you remind me of my son when he was little.
  “Mom, can we order a pizza?”
  “No.”
  five seconds later.
  “Mooom pleeease can we order a pizza?”
  “Dude, I said no.”
  two minutes later.
  “Mooom, I promise, if we order a pizza, I won’t eat any more junk food for a YEAR.”
  “Dammit, what the hell is wrong with you?! You asked me twice, I said no!! Which part of NO don’t you understand?!!!”
  “alright, alright mom, i get it, no pizza.”
  Ten minutes later.
  “Mooom, can we order a pizza, please?”
  Mom gives up, orders pizza.
  I would tell you more about it, but I suddenly have this urge to go visit http://detentionslip.org, so I’ll talk to ya later.
  
  Nov 11, 2008 at 9:32 am rating: +5
- #1.3 se
  
  “waah! I missed the funny. damn flickr-taker-downers”
  so, just to be first poster, you wrote an inane, unfunny comment?
  
  Nov 11, 2008 at 9:54 am rating: +8
- #1.4 Goldie
  
  PS. Thx HM
  
  Nov 11, 2008 at 10:26 am rating: +1
- #1.5 Sleazy P. Martini
  
  Hello Goldie aka Hall Monitor. Nice to see you have an alias to promote your site.
  
  Nov 11, 2008 at 12:46 pm rating: +1
- #1.6 Goldie
  
  Hello Dale Gribble aka Sleazy P. Martini. I see you have uncovered a giant PAN conspiracy. Truth is, everyone here is Hall Monitor. And now that I’ve told you that, I’m going to have to kill you. Sorry, nothing personal.
  
  Srsly, HM had the link in his/her sig. He/she later pulled it. It’s good for everybody. Any more questions?
  
  Nov 11, 2008 at 1:35 pm rating: +6
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#2 Becky

I see it. I couldn’t in my reader, but when I clicked on the link I can see it. And get a life indeed, Morgan.

Nov 10, 2008 at 11:16 pm rating: 0

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#3 Halley

under the PAN of the day, there is an ad for 1800SUICIDE. . . it says “four years ago I wrote this suicide note… and I’m still alive.”

I got confused for a second that THAT was the PAN. Does it make me a bad person that it seemed whiny and PAN worthy?

Anyway, the fact that Morgan’s muffin being fucking delicious aside, there are a ton of different ways to handle muffin theft. . . perhaps a muffin chastity belt. . .

Nov 10, 2008 at 11:28 pm rating: +21

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- #3.1 Lin
  
  I thought the exact same thing!
  
  Nov 10, 2008 at 11:34 pm rating: +1
- #3.2 MoxieHart
  
  I got confused for a second that THAT was the PAN. Does it make me a bad person that it seemed whiny and PAN worthy?
  No, I thought it was a PAN too.
  I also thought it was a terrible suicide attempt. Four years is much too long to take to kill yourself, unless you’re building and perfecting some kind of Pee Wee Herman Suicide Machine.
  
  Nov 10, 2008 at 11:39 pm rating: +31
- #3.3 Canthz_B
  
  Why did you think clinically depressed procrastinators live so long?
  
  You can find the PAN under its title.
  
  Nov 11, 2008 at 1:48 am rating: +3
- #3.4 James
  
  Dear YOU KNOW WHO.
  
  4 years ago you told me in a fit of hopeless depression you were going to COMMIT SUICIDE.
  
  Yet here we are 4 years later, and ahhh… you’re still alive. Which, like, isn’t totally annoying or anything =) =)
  
  Um, yeh so, if you don’t want to “get on with it”, maybe you should let ME in on the news, so I know not to leave my good tarpaulin on the bathroom floor and stay up baking a ham for your parents every weekend for NEARLY HALF A DECADE.
  
  So if in the future you decide to commit suicide AGAIN, then selfishly renege on the deal AGAIN without letting me KNOW, I’m just not letting you use my Wii anymore.
  
  Just a thought, or whatever =)
  
  Nov 11, 2008 at 3:16 am rating: +32
- #3.5 bob
  
  I half-heartedly attempted to kill myself 4 years ago, but soon lost interest in the project. I would apologize, but I hate lying.
  
  Nov 11, 2008 at 12:46 pm rating: +11
- #3.6 Blizz
  
  Hahaha, I loved the broken glass PAN.
  
  Nov 11, 2008 at 2:01 pm rating: +1
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#4 aaa

I can’t tell which is more of a dick move, stealing other people’s food or posting a whiny note where “muffins” and “company” are capitalized.

Nov 10, 2008 at 11:29 pm rating: +20

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#5 emma

I am a shareholder and I am fucking pissed. Muffins are the foundation of any company and generating revenue without them is impossible.

Nov 10, 2008 at 11:29 pm rating: +40

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- #5.1 Juliet
  
  I was pretty certain the shareholders would be really pissed off at someone stealing another’s snack. Ch-ahh! Like they care.
  
  Nov 11, 2008 at 12:30 pm rating: 0
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#6 MoxieHart

Why is it especially bad to steal muffins? Are muffins the new currency?

Nov 10, 2008 at 11:37 pm rating: +17

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- #6.1 Holiday Djinn
  
  Bottle caps are the new currency. Play Fallout 3 and get with the times. GEEZER!
  
  /only 30
  //get off my lawn!
  
  Nov 11, 2008 at 7:38 am rating: +6
- #6.2 MoxieHart
  
  I’ll geezer you. And I’ll get off your lawn when you give me back the frisbee that landed on yours.
  
  Nov 11, 2008 at 3:34 pm rating: +1
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#7 TS

That muffin was fucking delicious.

Nov 10, 2008 at 11:37 pm rating: 0

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- #7.1 jess
  
  too late. halley beat you to it.
  
  Nov 11, 2008 at 12:11 am rating: 0
- #7.2 secondsout
  
  Halley was already an imbecile and in need of a unitard. TS, you are a double troll for using the tired FD joke, and also being the second one to use it. The unitard may have some snail tracks around the butt. Enjoy.
  
  Nov 11, 2008 at 12:15 am rating: +16
- #7.3 Frankie
  
  I’m starting to think they like getting the unitard. Maybe from now on when they use the (READ THIS PEOPLE) tired “fucking delicious” joke we should just start calling them a mean name… Maybe something they wouldn’t like or would know is synonymous with non-awesomeness… like Monkey-fisted Shitwaxer.
  I like it.
  
  Nov 11, 2008 at 11:50 am rating: +4
- #7.4 Mishee
  
  Frankie - I am still waiting for my opportunity to tell someone to “Cock Off!”!!
  
  Nov 11, 2008 at 11:55 am rating: +1
- #7.5 Juliet
  
  Monkey-fisted shitwaxer… hee hee! I am still a fan of “mumfucker’ from a little while back. But to this I’d add a hearty “Son of a toilet munching, cumdumster-breathed kangaroo”.
  
  (Sorry I’m having a hard time coming up with anything better than ’shitwaxer’ which is just awesome. I need more coffee.)
  
  Nov 11, 2008 at 12:40 pm rating: +1
- #7.6 Canthz_B
  
  I’m partial to “Asspanda”, but “Mini-bus Retard” has a degree of nostalgic charm.
  
  Nov 11, 2008 at 1:20 pm rating: +3
- #7.7 Timo
  
  Ah yes CB like “Short bus Mongie” .
  
  Nov 11, 2008 at 1:31 pm rating: +2
- #7.8 Frankie
  
  I also am partial to “Husky Tits” as it works for either a man or a woman… Or a shitwaxer.
  
  Nov 11, 2008 at 2:09 pm rating: +1
- #7.9 Anonymous me
  
  Why not just call them “Republican?”
  
  Nov 13, 2008 at 4:09 pm rating: 0
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#8 CanadianMoose

Next time they should just steal the muffin top, since
a) it’s the best part of the muffin
b) Morgan would schedule a office-wide seminar on the ramifications of stealing food
c) the image of hearing a angry/exasperated scream and a muffin stump fly by sounds too comical pass up

I wonder what would happen if someone took Morgan’s blueberry danish… oh the humanity!

Nov 10, 2008 at 11:42 pm rating: +11

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- #8.1 secondsout
  
  But if everyone just eats the muffin tops, then soon there will be a huge buildup of muffin bottoms, and one would need to hire a bus to take them to the dump or something.
  
  Nov 11, 2008 at 12:08 am rating: +3
- #8.2 aaa
  
  Naw, you just give the bottoms to the homeless people.
  
  Nov 11, 2008 at 12:33 am rating: +5
- #8.3 Sydney
  
  Muffin bottoms are too hard to eat. They come all wrapped in paper and shit. Who wants that? If I wanted to exercise I’d go to a gym, not spend half a day ripping paper off a muffin butt.
  
  Nov 11, 2008 at 5:05 am rating: +21
- #8.4 Sarah
  
  Top o’ the muffin to ya.
  
  Nov 11, 2008 at 5:12 am rating: +18
- #8.5 James
  
  Ironically if you don’t work hard to remove the paper shit from the muffin bottom, you’ll develop a “muffin top” overhanging your jeans.
  But not me, I almost never wear shirts with an exposed midriff.
  
  Nov 11, 2008 at 6:36 am rating: +1
- #8.6 BarelyKnitTogether
  
  As a resident of Virginia, where overabundant trash from the northern states is shit…er, shipped, I am staging a protest regarding the eating of muffin tops only. The note should thank the thief for being environmentally responsible and taking the whole thing.
  
  Nov 11, 2008 at 7:33 am rating: +2
- #8.7 Holiday Djinn
  
  I would just like to say I love the term “muffin butt”. Thanks Syd.
  
  Nov 11, 2008 at 7:40 am rating: +5
- #8.8 aaa
  
  Kellogg’s does make Eggo Muffin Tops.
  
  http://www2.kelloggs.com/Product/ProductDetail.aspx?product=10550
  
  Although they’re more like muffin top-shaped frozen pancakes. They’re still pretty good, though.
  
  Nov 11, 2008 at 7:49 am rating: +1
- #8.9 claw71
  
  They’re pretty good, you say? LIAR!
  
  I’ve sampled these rubbery pastries and the only thing they’re good for is patching tires. You work for Kellogs, don’t you? I recognize a dirty viral marketing tactic when I see it.
  
  Nov 11, 2008 at 9:28 am rating: +17
- #8.10 Brian
  
  Good comments all … I’m a Seinfeld fan too. Tomorrow let’s work in everything that happened in the “Puffy Shirt” episode.
  
  Nov 11, 2008 at 9:28 am rating: +3
- #8.11 aaa
  
  I wish I worked for Kelloggs, then I’d be making more than minimum wage. But you have to keep in mind, they’re prepackaged, frozen breakfast food and prepackaged, frozen breakfast food can only be so good.
  
  Nov 11, 2008 at 3:06 pm rating: 0
- #8.12 Canthz_B
  
  Bah! Only Tony the Tiger makes more than minimum wage there.
  He gets residuals.
  They’re Grrrreeeaaattt!
  
  Nov 11, 2008 at 6:35 pm rating: +1
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#9 BurstingAtTheSeams

So, shareholders should be pissed… that should is the kicker there, Morgan. They should be, but are they?

Nov 10, 2008 at 11:44 pm rating: +6

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#10 falterdecadence

Muffins are a legitimate breakfast food in the US? I need to get my arse over there.

Nov 10, 2008 at 11:52 pm rating: +2

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- #10.1 Canthz_B
  
  They’re part of a Continental breakfast, oddly enough.
  
  Nov 11, 2008 at 1:15 am rating: +13
- #10.2 falterdecadence
  
  Unfortunately I’m island-al. So muffins for breakfast must be eaten surreptitiously
  
  Nov 12, 2008 at 2:00 am rating: 0
- #10.3 Canthz_B
  
  We can eat whatever we want, whenever we want…that’s why so many Americans are over-weight and one of the freedoms Dubya thinks the world hates us for.
  What an idiot that guy is.
  
  Nov 12, 2008 at 2:44 am rating: 0
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#11 Julia

While the note is poorly written, I feel the writer’s pain. Nothing sucks more than some douchebag eating your food.

Of course, they’re working with animals, at least as far as I can tell from the “PAWS OFF,” so they should have expected it, really.

Nov 10, 2008 at 11:58 pm rating: +21

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- #11.1 bellabeastie
  
  Muffin thiefs = asspandas
  
  Nov 11, 2008 at 5:56 am rating: +12
- #11.2 HS
  
  I’m thinking Morgan = asspanda…
  
  Nov 11, 2008 at 7:37 am rating: +1
- #11.3 aaa
  
  Asspandas aren’t endangered. Why not institute a culling program?
  
  Nov 11, 2008 at 7:50 am rating: +3
- #11.4 bellabeastie
  
  Oops… I meant “thieves”… it was early.
  
  Totally in favor of culling all asspandas and their relatives, the asshats. Oh, wait– we just voted them out of the White House..
  
  Never mind.
  
  Nov 11, 2008 at 9:30 am rating: +2
- #11.5 claw71
  
  That explains why Morgan used the expression “paws off.”
  
  Still, I wonder if asspandas sometimes take the blame for things other people do. I’m not sure but on the morning in question Mike from marketing had crumbs on his shirt and banana nut breath.
  
  Nov 11, 2008 at 9:33 am rating: +6
- #11.6 Goldie
  
  Asspandas, animals intelligent enough that they can read, yet cunning enough to steal people’s muffins… Sounds like an awesome pet! I should totally get me one.
  
  Nov 11, 2008 at 9:39 am rating: +2
- #11.7 Timo
  
  Those were scabs and Mishee Mom breath hence the strong yeasty overtones.
  
  Nov 11, 2008 at 12:04 pm rating: +1
- #11.8 bellabeastie
  
  *banana nut breath* hheheee
  
  Nov 11, 2008 at 11:19 pm rating: 0
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#12 secondsout

What happens if the muffin is mine and has someone else’s name on it? I just don’t think Little Debbie is actually going to come claim it.

Nov 11, 2008 at 12:09 am rating: +28

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- #12.1 Lurker
  
  Or conversely, if I put my name on someone else’s muffin, does that make it OK for me to eat it? It no longer fulfills both conditions.
  
  Nov 11, 2008 at 9:24 am rating: +8
- #12.2 claw71
  
  I wouldn’t mind filling Little Debbie’s snatch cake with cream, I’ll tell you that.
  
  Nov 11, 2008 at 9:34 am rating: +4
- #12.3 Timo
  
  Or ice her face with man frosting.
  
  Nov 11, 2008 at 12:03 pm rating: 0

painfully polite and hilariously hostile writings from shared spaces the world over

we didn’t “steal” your muffin — we leveraged it

November 10th, 2008 · 128 comments

128 responses so far ↓