the scarlet status update

November 14th, 2008 · 188 comments

today’s facebook friday submission comes from an anonymous onlooker in college park, maryland. (read from the bottom up.)

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FILED UNDER: ex drama · facebook · spelling and grammar police

188 responses so far ↓

#1 Amanda

Does anyone know where my underwear is? Seriously.

Nov 14, 2008 at 2:30 pm rating: +72

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- #1.1 Frankie
  
  I found your underwear! You left them in my bed along with your dignity and self respect. You can have the underwear back. But not the rest.
  
  Nov 14, 2008 at 3:44 pm rating: +33
- #1.2 unfortunate names blog
  
  Note to Amanda, if you are gonna cheat, go commando.
  
  Nov 14, 2008 at 6:27 pm rating: +16
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#2 zchamu

I love the setting of the relationship status *after* the fact just to turn it back off. Passive aggressive gold, Nick. Gold.

Nov 14, 2008 at 2:32 pm rating: +83

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- #2.1 Pedant
  
  As awesomely cool and passive aggressive that would be, alas it is merely Facebook procedure; first you must cancel a relationship with a named person (to merely become listed as in a relationship with no-one in particular), and *then* you can set your relationship status as ’single’.
  
  Guess how I know this piece of pedantry…
  
  Nov 14, 2008 at 5:27 pm rating: +10
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#3 Deanna

I think it was a passive-aggressive tactic on Amanda’s part so she could get with a guy who can spell.

Nov 14, 2008 at 2:34 pm rating: +47

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- #3.1 Baughs
  
  Not only can he not spell, he also changed the puncuation at the end, obviously to convey his mood. He went from “OMG I caught her!” to “I hate myself.” In the span of five minutes. Impressive.
  
  Probably bipolar too.
  
  Dec 3, 2008 at 12:05 pm rating: +1
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#4 RandyinReno

Amanda! I herd that your underwear is in the glovebox of Nick’s car. You must have left them there accedentally when he gave you a ride home from the laundrymat.

Nov 14, 2008 at 2:34 pm rating: +2

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#5 Timo

Amanda Blake!?!?!?

Not Miss Kitty. Oh wait …she’s dead.
I hate Facebook Fridays.

Nov 14, 2008 at 2:36 pm rating: +2

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- #5.1 Timo
  
  Gigglebrax test!
  
  All hail the UGH
  
  Nov 14, 2008 at 4:47 pm rating: 0
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#6 castagnettes

Apparently the exclamation point was too strong.

Nov 14, 2008 at 2:36 pm rating: +10

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- #6.1 jpav
  
  I thought the same when I read it but you beat me to it.
  
  Nov 14, 2008 at 3:30 pm rating: 0
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#7 Canthz_B

3 min is a short relationship, Nick. Work on your stamina, Dude.

Nov 14, 2008 at 2:38 pm rating: +23

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- #7.1 se
  
  And you last a whole lot longer?
  
  Nov 14, 2008 at 3:32 pm rating: +5
- #7.2 Canthz_B
  
  Nearly twice that, se!
  
  Nov 14, 2008 at 4:21 pm rating: +8
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#8 Amandah

i laughed until i cried

Nov 14, 2008 at 2:38 pm rating: +1

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#9 Wayne D.

“i herd a guy she goes where is my underwear” Is it a transsexual?

Nov 14, 2008 at 2:39 pm rating: +13

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#10 Wade

Note to Amanda:

Take you iPhone out of your back pocket before you do the bump and grind.

That re-dial button is a bitch.

Nov 14, 2008 at 2:39 pm rating: +14

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#11 unholyghost2003

forget her underwear, where was her PHONE that she could accidentally dial Nick? Perhaps set to vibrate?

Nov 14, 2008 at 2:40 pm rating: +29

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#12 Mishee

Facebook Friday reminds me of when RunBarbara makes me get on all fours and make puppy noises.

If I am lucky she will take me out back to piddle.

I’m not usually lucky.

Nov 14, 2008 at 2:46 pm rating: +3

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- #12.1 RandyinReno
  
  Does she then take the rolled-up newspaper to you?
  
  Nov 14, 2008 at 3:12 pm rating: 0
- #12.2 Frankie
  
  That’s one of her favorite parts.
  
  Nov 15, 2008 at 7:46 am rating: +1
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#13 Thanks

I herd cows!

Nov 14, 2008 at 2:56 pm rating: +15

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#14 amy d

Well, she did say that 2 months was too long. He had fair warning that she was gonna have to get a little to tide her over.

Nov 14, 2008 at 2:57 pm rating: +26

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- #14.1 Clumber
  
  reminds me of a a song… Sheryl Crow & Kid Rock duet … at one point she sings, “I ain’t heard from you in 3 damn nights… I put your picture away…”
  My spouse and I often wonder - so after 3 damn nights you’re no longer a couple? So really, Amanda held out phenomenally long by Kid Rock/Sheryl Crow standards….
  
  Nov 17, 2008 at 1:30 pm rating: +1
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#15 Canthz_B

Dearest Nick,

Two months is too long, but Trevor isn’t!!

I love you,
Amanda

Nov 14, 2008 at 3:02 pm rating: +48

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#16 fantasy

……. four years ago I wrote this suicide note and I am still alive….. groan

Nov 14, 2008 at 3:03 pm rating: +7

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- #16.1 Grey
  
  That add is just depressing. Someone couldn’t go through with it, and now they’re even sadder.
  
  Nov 14, 2008 at 4:15 pm rating: +1
- #16.2 Grey
  
  “Four years ago I wrote this suicide note. I couldn’t go through with it. Since then I’ve been bumped 7 times, contracted herpes from the unitard, my dog died, and I’m still a postal worker. Now my note is all over the internet. Please shoot me. Please.”
  
  Nov 14, 2008 at 4:41 pm rating: +9
- #16.3 Timo
  
  I think it is an advertisement to save suicide because clearly this person should be culled from the herd.
  
  Nov 14, 2008 at 4:50 pm rating: +3
- #16.4 Woman on the Verge
  
  Oh, I thought it was for euthanasia! I mean, really, if they need help that badly…
  
  Nov 14, 2008 at 7:10 pm rating: +3
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#17 Tmarie

It’s days like this that I feel old, and at the same time glad Facebook didn’t exist when I was young and totally immature about relationships.

Nick’s little piece of outburst is nothing compared to what I’d have cooked up.

However, mine would probably have been done in English.

Nov 14, 2008 at 3:04 pm rating: +23

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- #17.1 Cookieput
  
  Facebook is indeed a bizarre world that, sadly, being young and stupid, I am completely wrapped up in. However, I keep my posted relationship as a sham marriage to my best friend.
  
  As you can see from the post, his “friends” can actually comment on his shattered relationship. I personally don’t give two shits what my Physics lab partner has to say about my girlfriend’s cheatin’ ways.
  
  I do everyone a favor and keep my Dyke Drama off the interwebs.
  
  Nov 14, 2008 at 11:34 pm rating: +3
- #17.2 Cookieput
  
  If you don’t understand FB, this pretty much covers it.
  http://www.collegehumor.com/video:1813816
  
  Nov 14, 2008 at 11:46 pm rating: 0
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#18 fantasy

…..oops, wrong note!

Nov 14, 2008 at 3:04 pm rating: 0

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#19 Canthz_B

Nick over-reacted.
Amanda was simply confronting the frat boys who pulled the pantie raid in her dorm.
Campus security is right next to Nick on her speed-dial.

Team don’t dump your pussy unless you have pictures!

Nov 14, 2008 at 3:08 pm rating: +6

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- #19.1 Juliet
  
  Nick did over-react.
  
  Team Nick is a whiny putz.
  
  Nov 14, 2008 at 3:23 pm rating: +3
- #19.2 Bellabeastie
  
  Yeah, but Amanda’s an asspanda for dropping her Victoria’s Secrets. Seems to me if she waited 2 months she could wait a little longer.
  
  But maybe she’s BEEN boffing this dude all along and that’s WHY it’s been two months.
  
  Team Nick’s Better Off Without Her Cheatin’ Arse
  
  Nov 15, 2008 at 2:18 pm rating: +3
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#20 HS

That’s one way to break up.

Nov 14, 2008 at 3:09 pm rating: 0

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- #20.1 Grey
  
  Of course a PAN fan would have sent a breakup haiku
  
  your butt rang me to
  say you are a cheating whore
  my Facebook dumps you
  
  Redundant-shameless-plug-to-my-new-favorite-site-link; http://haikubreakup.com/
  
  Nov 14, 2008 at 4:24 pm rating: +10
- #20.2 amazon
  
  Look, it is Hall Monitor 2.0. (or was Hall Monitor English Fail 2.0? I get our trolls confused sometimes) Oddly enough, I saw Hall Monitor pimp his blog out in the comments of another blog I read. It is kinda weird to see the same person on different parts of the internet. Like they’re stalking you!
  
  Nov 14, 2008 at 5:10 pm rating: +2
- #20.3 AuntyBron
  
  Or you’re stalking them…
  
  Nov 15, 2008 at 1:31 am rating: +1
- #20.4 Frankie
  
  That’s a funny site!
  Be nice guys. That’s not his blog which would normally be linked to his name. I like learning about new and funny sites.
  
  Nov 15, 2008 at 7:49 am rating: +3
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#21 Juliet

One thing I love about Facebook is its potential for passive-aggressiveness.

More, more, more!

Nov 14, 2008 at 3:18 pm rating: +1

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#22 JoelWhy

Uhmmmm….4:43 a.m., Nick is listed as in a relationship. 4:46 a.m., Nick is single. These two were dating for 3 minutes?! Sorry, Nick, but that wasn’t a relationship, and she wasn’t cheating on you. That was a hooker, and she was “dating” the next John!

Nov 14, 2008 at 3:22 pm rating: +9

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#23 castagnettes

“GUESS WHO CHEATED ON ME”… Does that mean there are other options? Wouldn’t that make you a cheater, too, Nick?

Nov 14, 2008 at 3:22 pm rating: +8

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- #23.1 Canthz_B
  
  Ooops, sorry!
  
  Nov 14, 2008 at 3:30 pm rating: 0
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#24 Canthz_B

Can you herd one guy? Don’t you need a whole flock of them, like Jesus had?

Nov 14, 2008 at 3:31 pm rating: +8

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- #24.1 Thanks
  
  Umm, Canthz I am pretty sure that Jesus did not herd them, per say, but led them.
  
  Nov 14, 2008 at 3:35 pm rating: +1
- #24.2 Canthz_B
  
  Then he was a piss-poor shepherd (a person who herds and tends) because you cannot lead a flock that you can’t keep herded together.
  
  Nov 14, 2008 at 3:40 pm rating: +6
- #24.3 Thanks
  
  Oh my! You totally showed me!
  
  *shrugs shoulders*
  
  Nov 14, 2008 at 3:47 pm rating: +2
- #24.4 castagnettes
  
  You can herd one guy if and only if he has hidden your girlfriend’s underwear.
  
  Nov 14, 2008 at 3:49 pm rating: +3
- #24.5 se
  
  how about if he has eaten your girlfriends underwear?
  
  Nov 14, 2008 at 3:56 pm rating: +1
- #24.6 castagnettes
  
  Well, that would render them missing. Aka hidden.
  
  Nov 14, 2008 at 3:58 pm rating: +2
- #24.7 Grey
  
  “I am pretty sure that Jesus did not herd them, per say, but led them.”
  
  It’s all perspective. See, if you are superstitious I’m sure you would like to think of yourself as being a follower of a leader. The rest of us on the other hand see you as sheep. Or sheeple even.
  
  Nov 14, 2008 at 4:32 pm rating: +6
- #24.8 Thanks
  
  Grey, it is a good thing I am not superstitous then isn’t it.
  
  Baaaahhhhhh
  
  Nov 14, 2008 at 4:37 pm rating: 0
- #24.9 amazon
  
  Amanda would make a bad shepherd as well. She can’t even keep her two calves together!
  
  *badumptching*
  
  Nov 14, 2008 at 5:13 pm rating: +29
- #24.10 Grey
  
  Yew can’t resist her butt-ox
  
  Nov 14, 2008 at 5:54 pm rating: +2
- #24.11 luv ewe
  
  Yew?
  Per say?
  
  Hmm, Hmm, Hmm.
  
  Nov 14, 2008 at 6:27 pm rating: +1
- #24.12 Canthz_B
  
  She can’t keep her calves together because her sense of fidelity is on the lamb.
  
  Nov 14, 2008 at 6:37 pm rating: +12
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#25 Anne Marie

“college, park maryland”?

Nice punctuating there.

Nov 14, 2008 at 3:33 pm rating: 0

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- #25.1 AuntyBron
  
  CB, your comment (24.2) caused me to have an Epiphany. Televangelists are so screwed up because they (the shepherds) are trying to lead their flocks, not herd them!
  
  Nov 15, 2008 at 1:35 am rating: +1

painfully polite and hilariously hostile writings from shared spaces the world over

the scarlet status update

November 14th, 2008 · 188 comments

188 responses so far ↓