160 responses so far ↓

• #1   Paige

  But I can’t pee barefoot!

  Nov 17, 2008 at 10:17 pm   rating: +34  
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  • #1.1   Flaboy2425

    I can pee barefoot, but, because of spillage, I have to wash my feet afterward.

    To pee or not to pee?

    Nov 18, 2008 at 11:00 pm   rating: 0  
     
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• #2   john

  then what happens during the “standing rehearsal”?

  Nov 17, 2008 at 10:19 pm   rating: +27  
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  • #2.1   Eric B.

    They’re going to practice peeing standing up, so that they don’t make a mess when they go back to his apartment.

    Nov 17, 2008 at 11:07 pm   rating: +5  
     

  • #2.2   BredWell

    I was wondering about that stand up rehearsal myself . . . it makes #5 doubly funny!

    Nov 18, 2008 at 11:46 am   rating: +1  
     

  • #2.3   Joanne

    Peeing sitting down is very common amongst men in Germany, where I live. I guess they get taught to do it by their mothers, who hated cleaning up after them! In an on-line chat group, this was once discussed, and I put forward the theory that only men with long penises could pee sitting down, and that peeing standing up probably indicated a short penis :-)) This of course assumes that the men are sitting on the toilet when peeing….peeing whilst sitting on the sofa or the floor does not necessarily require a long penis.

    Nov 18, 2008 at 12:41 pm   rating: +11  
     

  • #2.4   Canthz_B

    I think the opposite. You need something substantial to grab hold of and aim with precision when peeing standing up.
    You can’t aim a mushroom cap.

    Nov 18, 2008 at 6:07 pm   rating: +2  
     

  • #2.5   Sam R

    Hmm… I have been all over the world and have yet seen a country where men pee sitting down. Also, my question is… if i had a large penis… it would be a mess trying to get my penis in the bowl WITHOUT touching the germ trap and pee without dipping it in the water…. my fellow gender just need to improve their aim and not be so darn lazy as to coat the whole restroom with urine!

    Nov 18, 2008 at 6:07 pm   rating: +3  
     

  • #2.6   Jonesey

    as a dude who prefers sitting and has a reasonably sized member - morning wood does quite suck. you learn to sit further back.

    sitting is cleaner, more comfortable, and gives me an excuse to read a magazine.

    Nov 18, 2008 at 7:56 pm   rating: +4  
     
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• #3   bean

  I love it when germaphobes want me to take off my shoes, cuz I gots no problem being a dirty barefoot hippie. It’s even better when they ask you to please put them back on because they’re cleaner than your feet

  Nov 17, 2008 at 10:22 pm   rating: +45  
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• #4   T.U.M.

  Well, I DO hate getting caught sockless in a no-shoes house.

  Nov 17, 2008 at 10:22 pm   rating: +10  
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• #5   Canthz_B

  The schedule has been made for the rest of the days?

  REPENT SINNERS!!! THE END IS NIGH!!!

  Nov 17, 2008 at 10:28 pm   rating: +38  
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  • #5.1   Krystal Pistol

    Isn’t spillage one of the plagues?

    Nov 18, 2008 at 5:57 pm   rating: +3  
     

  • #5.2   unfortunate names blog

    and why “spillage” anyways, missage or leakage sure, but spillage seems a bit extreme.

    Nov 18, 2008 at 7:45 pm   rating: +1  
     

  • #5.3   chick

    Or why not “spills” or “spilling”? What’s with all these “-age” words that everyone is throwing around these days? Spillage, missage, leakage, signage….I see it everywhere and it drives me freakin nuts.

    Nov 18, 2008 at 8:56 pm   rating: 0  
     

  • #5.4   Olson

    Maybe he’s a big Paulie Shore fan…

    Nov 18, 2008 at 10:18 pm   rating: +5  
     
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• #6   Goldie

  “Please be clean”?! But that’s impossible. How the hell are they supposed to get through those meetings without hard drugs?

  Nov 17, 2008 at 10:30 pm   rating: +24  
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• #7   Goldie

  The infamous #5 is, in fact, not so bad. He told his guests to pee sitting, but didn’t specify where they should sit. I’d take it as a personal invitation to squat on Gary’s rug.

  Nov 17, 2008 at 10:32 pm   rating: +69  
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  • #7.1   AuntyBron

    When I read #5, I pictured a man sitting on the toilet and whizzing about the room (bad aim, don’t ya know)

    Nov 18, 2008 at 12:58 am   rating: +4  
     

  • #7.2   Pedant

    Awww man, that rug really tied the room together!

    Nov 19, 2008 at 8:46 am   rating: +10  
     

  • #7.3   Mishee

    Pedant - Its better than taking a bath with a fucking marmot!

    Nov 19, 2008 at 11:54 am   rating: +2  
     

  • #7.4   Pedant

    Or being fucked in the ass by a nihilist, Mishee.

    Nov 19, 2008 at 1:09 pm   rating: +2  
     
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• #8   Me? A Mom?

  So this begs the question…does GARY sit when he pees in his bathroom? You know, to minimize spillage and all?

  Nov 17, 2008 at 10:33 pm   rating: +7  
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  • #8.1   MoxieHart

    Gary pees in mason jars and saves them for the future.

    Nov 17, 2008 at 11:09 pm   rating: +51  
     

  • #8.2   Canthz_B

    That’s why they’re often called pickle jars!

    Nov 17, 2008 at 11:21 pm   rating: +5  
     

  • #8.3   secondsout

    Gary must pee sitting down. He’s obviously telling the men to do the same. You don’t need to tell a woman to pee sitting down. Other than RB’s mom, but that’s because she’s a tranny.

    Nov 18, 2008 at 12:59 am   rating: +2  
     

  • #8.4   mac

    he must be related to howard heuse

    Nov 18, 2008 at 7:08 am   rating: 0  
     

  • #8.5   Peasey

    Misusing the phrase “begs the question.”

    http://www.qwantz.com/archive/000693.html

    Nov 18, 2008 at 11:30 am   rating: +5  
     

  • #8.6   liloleme

    @ #8.5: ZZZzzzzz

    Nov 18, 2008 at 12:49 pm   rating: +1  
     

  • #8.7   Sarcastic Monkey

    “howard heuse” - Excuse me? Howard Heuse? Are you KIDDING me? The one time richest man in the world and you can’t spell his name… How lame. Even Bill Gaites could get that right.

    Nov 18, 2008 at 2:02 pm   rating: +17  
     
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• #9   Canthz_B

  They need to rehearse peeing standing on Friday and Sunday?
  You’d think they’d do that prior to the next two meetings.

  Nov 17, 2008 at 10:34 pm   rating: +3  
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• #10   Canthz_B

  I know small food is all the rage these days, but food small enough to fall off a crumb just doesn’t seem very appealing.

  Nov 17, 2008 at 10:36 pm   rating: +23  
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• #11   0falcon8

  so if i have to pee sitting down, can i shit standing up?

  Nov 17, 2008 at 10:37 pm   rating: +59  
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  • #11.1   Bunnee

    Only if you have mastered the art of non-ploppage. You know, to prevent the feces-laden water drops that would cover his bathroom in the event of a big job.

    Nov 18, 2008 at 9:56 am   rating: +4  
     

  • #11.2   K Dog

    Is there any other way?

    Nov 18, 2008 at 10:32 am   rating: +1  
     
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• #12   Canthz_B

  Proposed change: Can we pleeese not meet at Gary’s place?

  Nov 17, 2008 at 10:39 pm   rating: +41  
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• #13   Canthz_B

  Gary came across as a real straight-shooter…until #5.

  Nov 17, 2008 at 10:45 pm   rating: +13  
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• #14   harmonicpies

  I’m with Gary. Letting everyone know in advance that your home will be a hostile work environment is an excellent strategy for manipulating someone else in a group of freeloading students to host the meeting instead. Personally, I take the opposite tack. I let them know that they are welcome at my place, as long as they don’t mind being slobbered on and used as a butt cushion by several large, hairy dogs. I can’t remember the last time we had a meeting at my house, but I always offer!

  Nov 17, 2008 at 10:45 pm   rating: +54  
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  • #14.1   harmonicpies

    Darn it, CB. You must’ve posted #12 while I was composing my own. Maybe I should type faster. Or think faster.

    Nov 17, 2008 at 10:54 pm   rating: 0  
     

  • #14.2   Canthz_B

    Great minds think alike!

    Nov 17, 2008 at 10:56 pm   rating: 0  
     

  • #14.3   unholyghost2003

    harmonicpies, that is just what I was thinking … but maybe Gary will like our homes … I mean I don’t know about your place but mine is pretty crumb free since the dog eats all the crumbs that fall to the floor

    Nov 18, 2008 at 8:45 am   rating: +3  
     

  • #14.4   Goldie

    I love giant hairy dogs! Send me directions, I’m coming over. (hopefully) do they hump?
    UHG, my place is also crumb-free and the carpet is extra shaggy, thanks to the dog shedding on it 24×7. Our guests don’t mind, though. We’ve found that, with just the right amount of tequila and brandy, the guest can quickly come to see those things as positives.

    Nov 18, 2008 at 11:25 am   rating: +5  
     

  • #14.5   harmonicpies

    Come on by, we love company! No humping, sorry. Well, not the dogs. The snacks are plentiful, if you don’t mind a few stray hairs. And the floor is definitely crumb-free. Only dog-fur tumbleweeds. You are welcome to skate around in your socks and take some of it home with you, we have plenty to spare.

    Nov 18, 2008 at 8:04 pm   rating: +4  
     
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• #15   pinball_machine

  thank you, GARY!

  Nov 17, 2008 at 10:49 pm   rating: +1  
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• #16   pfctdayelise

  what is “b school”?

  Nov 17, 2008 at 10:57 pm   rating: 0  
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  • #16.1   Troy McClure

    Business school. Where you learn how to do your business.

    Nov 17, 2008 at 10:59 pm   rating: +54  
     

  • #16.2   Mishee

    Don’t be silly Troy - we all know there is no business like show business.

    Hence the standing rehearsal.

    Nov 18, 2008 at 9:56 am   rating: +8  
     
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• #17   se

  I think it would be really funny for someone to leave a really nasty dump in Gary’s toilet.. stink up the bathroom and overflow the toilet.

  Nov 17, 2008 at 11:09 pm   rating: +5  
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  • #17.1   0falcon8

    or hit ‘em with an upper-decker

    Nov 17, 2008 at 11:14 pm   rating: +8  
     

  • #17.2   se

    yes…. out”standing”

    Nov 17, 2008 at 11:17 pm   rating: +2  
     

  • #17.3   Canthz_B

    You know, if you flush Gary’s toilet with the lid up, you can leave a germ-filled mist on his toothbrush.
    Beats the fuck outta wearing shoes in the small room of his small condo!

    Nov 17, 2008 at 11:54 pm   rating: +16  
     

  • #17.4   AuntyBron

    Or we could just dip his toothbrush in the toilet before we flush.

    Nov 18, 2008 at 12:56 am   rating: +7  
     

  • #17.5   BurstingAtTheSeams

    Yes, nasty dump in the toilet - and pee (standing up, of course) in the sink. Make sure drain is closed.

    Nov 18, 2008 at 11:50 am   rating: 0  
     

  • #17.6   Ti O

    Drydock a few loafs in the tub too while yer at it.

    Nov 18, 2008 at 1:49 pm   rating: +5  
     
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• #18   MoxieHart

  It’s good to see that Howard Hughes is still alive and has a condo.

  Nov 17, 2008 at 11:10 pm   rating: +14  
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  • #18.1   dare

    Considering the bath ole Howard took on that Spruce Goose thing, it’s about time he went to business school too!

    Nov 18, 2008 at 10:30 am   rating: +2  
     
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• #19   se

  Gary says we will meet in my small room. Is the meeting going to take place in the bathroom?

  Nov 17, 2008 at 11:16 pm   rating: +3  
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  • #19.1   BurstingAtTheSeams

    It could be the closet where they are meeting.

    My small room in my small condo makes it sound kinda like he’s hoarding some larger condos somewhere.

    Nov 18, 2008 at 11:55 am   rating: +10  
     
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• #20   maude

  Bitch school?

  Nov 17, 2008 at 11:29 pm   rating: +11  
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• #21   sasha

  This is classic! You guys are so funny.. to be perfectly thruthful, I had no idea what the whole thing was about while I was reading the excerpt. That’s why at the end of reading #5 I was thinking, “Eugh. What?? This guy is posting his rules for Blowjob school? ” Darn. I was giggling so hard until I stumbled on your comments and read every single one, thus making the realization dawn on me that it was not, in fact, about a blow-job school. Still, this was a really entertaining read. You guys go rock business school.

  Nov 18, 2008 at 12:30 am   rating: +4  
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• #22   secondsout

  All this talk about #5.

  If #1 is pee,
  #2 is a dump, then what?
  #3 puking?
  #4 menstruating?
  #5 rubbing one out?

  Nov 18, 2008 at 1:02 am   rating: +7  
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  • #22.1   leoncub

    @secondsout:

    A #3 is already firmly established as “rubbing one out” as you put it. Well, at least it is here in Britain.

    Nov 19, 2008 at 11:08 am   rating: +2  
     
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• #23