Group projects.
#5, however, is what really seals the deal.
(click to enlarge!)
related: please ladies please
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161 responses so far ↓
#1
Paige
But I can’t pee barefoot!
Nov 17, 2008 at 10:17 pm rating: 90
#2
john
then what happens during the “standing rehearsal”?
Nov 17, 2008 at 10:19 pm rating: 90
#3
bean
I love it when germaphobes want me to take off my shoes, cuz I gots no problem being a dirty barefoot hippie. It’s even better when they ask you to please put them back on because they’re cleaner than your feet
Nov 17, 2008 at 10:22 pm rating: 90
#4
T.U.M.
Well, I DO hate getting caught sockless in a no-shoes house.
Nov 17, 2008 at 10:22 pm rating: 90
#5
Canthz_B
The schedule has been made for the rest of the days?
REPENT SINNERS!!! THE END IS NIGH!!!
Nov 17, 2008 at 10:28 pm rating: 90
#6
Goldie
“Please be clean”?! But that’s impossible. How the hell are they supposed to get through those meetings without hard drugs?
Nov 17, 2008 at 10:30 pm rating: 90
#7
Goldie
The infamous #5 is, in fact, not so bad. He told his guests to pee sitting, but didn’t specify where they should sit. I’d take it as a personal invitation to squat on Gary’s rug.
Nov 17, 2008 at 10:32 pm rating: 90
#8
Me? A Mom?
So this begs the question…does GARY sit when he pees in his bathroom? You know, to minimize spillage and all?
Nov 17, 2008 at 10:33 pm rating: 90
#9
Canthz_B
They need to rehearse peeing standing on Friday and Sunday?
You’d think they’d do that prior to the next two meetings.
Nov 17, 2008 at 10:34 pm rating: 90
#10
Canthz_B
I know small food is all the rage these days, but food small enough to fall off a crumb just doesn’t seem very appealing.
Nov 17, 2008 at 10:36 pm rating: 90
#11
0falcon8
so if i have to pee sitting down, can i shit standing up?
Nov 17, 2008 at 10:37 pm rating: 90
#12
Canthz_B
Proposed change: Can we pleeese not meet at Gary’s place?
Nov 17, 2008 at 10:39 pm rating: 90
#13
Canthz_B
Gary came across as a real straight-shooter…until #5.
Nov 17, 2008 at 10:45 pm rating: 90
#14
harmonicpies
I’m with Gary. Letting everyone know in advance that your home will be a hostile work environment is an excellent strategy for manipulating someone else in a group of freeloading students to host the meeting instead. Personally, I take the opposite tack. I let them know that they are welcome at my place, as long as they don’t mind being slobbered on and used as a butt cushion by several large, hairy dogs. I can’t remember the last time we had a meeting at my house, but I always offer!
Nov 17, 2008 at 10:45 pm rating: 90
#15
pinball_machine
thank you, GARY!
Nov 17, 2008 at 10:49 pm rating: 90
#16
pfctdayelise
what is “b school”?
Nov 17, 2008 at 10:57 pm rating: 90
#17
se
I think it would be really funny for someone to leave a really nasty dump in Gary’s toilet.. stink up the bathroom and overflow the toilet.
Nov 17, 2008 at 11:09 pm rating: 90
#18
MoxieHart
It’s good to see that Howard Hughes is still alive and has a condo.
Nov 17, 2008 at 11:10 pm rating: 90
#19
se
Gary says we will meet in my small room. Is the meeting going to take place in the bathroom?
Nov 17, 2008 at 11:16 pm rating: 90
#20
maude
Bitch school?
Nov 17, 2008 at 11:29 pm rating: 90
#21
sasha
This is classic!
You guys are so funny.. to be perfectly thruthful, I had no idea what the whole thing was about while I was reading the excerpt. That’s why at the end of reading #5 I was thinking, “Eugh. What?? This guy is posting his rules for Blowjob school? ” Darn. I was giggling so hard until I stumbled on your comments and read every single one, thus making the realization dawn on me that it was not, in fact, about a blow-job school. Still, this was a really entertaining read. You guys go rock business school. 
Nov 18, 2008 at 12:30 am rating: 90
#22
secondsout
All this talk about #5.
If #1 is pee,
#2 is a dump, then what?
#3 puking?
#4 menstruating?
#5 rubbing one out?
Nov 18, 2008 at 1:02 am rating: 90
#23
secondsout
Spillage? You have to piss an awful lot to make the toilet overflow.
Nov 18, 2008 at 1:04 am rating: 90
#24
TP
I would show up wrapped in Saran Wrap and wearing plastic gloves. I would also promptly fit trash bags over my feet upon entering.
I wonder if that would send a message, eh?
Nov 18, 2008 at 1:14 am rating: 90
#25
globalnole
Clearly a German.
Anyone who knows anything about the Germans would quickly recognize number 5 as the infamous (and dreaded) SITZPINKEL.
In addition to this mans sitzpinkel requirement it is also clear that he is not a native English speaker, albeit his English is better than THX Sandra’s….
I direct you to the website for more information on the sitzpinkel. Enjoy.
Nov 18, 2008 at 1:28 am rating: 90
#26
aaa
What, is this an Engrish.com submission that got sent to PAN by mistake?
Nov 18, 2008 at 1:31 am rating: 90
#27
Robin
Does this mean that I can eat food that will drop crumbs in the bathroom if I am sitting down to prevent spillage?
Nov 18, 2008 at 2:07 am rating: 90
#28
Scaryduck
It’s OK, I always pee in a paper cup at other people’s houses, and leave it in the kitchen to dispose of as they wish.
Nov 18, 2008 at 4:29 am rating: 90
#29
Holiday Djinn
If God wanted me to pee sitting down he would have given me a vagina.
Nov 18, 2008 at 7:02 am rating: 90
#30
Milkweed
How tiny is your food if it can fall off of crumbs?
Nov 18, 2008 at 8:33 am rating: 90
#31
Pip
Was that sent out to my stepson’s 1st grade class? Because I think I have said many of those things to my stepson over the past few years.
Nov 18, 2008 at 8:48 am rating: 90
#32
Rowdy
Hi Gary,
Thanks for the warm invitation to host. I will need to bring my incontinent Nan with me. Unfortunately she is Type 1 Diabetic so she will need to keep her shoes on, and you will need to provide meals at designated times. But on the up side I have persuaded her to make some of her lovely crumb cake. Yummy!
Look forward to nice and pleasant rehearsal.
Nov 18, 2008 at 8:52 am rating: 90
#33
Rich Uncle Skeleton
I completely forgot this episode of Monk.
Nov 18, 2008 at 8:57 am rating: 90
#34
mere
gary is a genius. really. he doesn’t want anyone in his condo. if you make the rules this strict, you get out of hosting.
wow.
it’s like screwing up a task so you’ll never be asked again….
Nov 18, 2008 at 9:00 am rating: 90
#35
GhostWriter
Here’s the problem; these guys never have a foyer. Their carpet runs right up to the front door. So, do you take your shoes off outside, and track doormat dirt in? …or take them off inside, and lay them in a germy pile on the carpet?
Nov 18, 2008 at 9:08 am rating: 90
#36
commentator
I’m a (sometimes) nudist. I swear the next time someone tries to make me take my shoes off in their home, I’m going to take off my shoes, followed by my shirt, then pants. You want me to start undressing in your home, you’d better tell me when to stop.
Nov 18, 2008 at 9:12 am rating: 90
#37
claw71
Gary:
I understand how you feel about restroom spillage but sitting while urinating presents two problems for me: 1. My penis tends to rub the toilet seat and the rim. As you can probably imagine, this gives me the willies.
2. If your restroom is cold, i.e. under 88 degrees, I fear that I might experience shrinkage which will likely cause my stream of urine to squirt under the toilet seat.
Don’t despair, however, when I was previously at your condo I was happy to discover that your sink is situated low enough to afford me a viable urinary option. I find that it is much easier to control my flow and direct the urine into your sink. Furthermore, because the basin is rather large, most of the droplets that splatter as the urine makes contact with the basin are too heavy to escape the sink. Due to my success at availing myself of this option I believe you should present it as a possible solution to your other guests.
Thanks for hosting! Look forward to seeing you soon.
Love,
claw71
Nov 18, 2008 at 9:38 am rating: 90
#38
bullwinkle
As someone just pointed out to me, he also wrote this at 4am. He must have been up for hours scrubbing his toilet.
Nov 18, 2008 at 9:45 am rating: 90
#39
Rach
Maybe it’s because I’m Canadian and it’s normal here, but I don’t understand why people have such an issue taking their shoes off at someone else’s house. As soon as I’m through the door that’s the first thing I do. Even if people tell me to keep them on, I usually take them off.
Nov 18, 2008 at 9:58 am rating: 90
#40
lc
At least, you’ll know exactly what you are getting into when you go to the meeting.
Nov 18, 2008 at 10:18 am rating: 90
#41
Carrieknowseverything
Please, come having eaten.
(another obscure reference for Mishee to get)
Nov 18, 2008 at 10:22 am rating: 90
#42
dare
I’m so glad that Gary has made a schedule for the rest of the days. One less thing for me to do before Armegeddon.
Nov 18, 2008 at 10:35 am rating: 90
#43
dood
i will sit down to pee just for you, but im rubbing my tool all over everything while im in there.
Nov 18, 2008 at 11:35 am rating: 90
#44
BredWell
Pickle jars? OMG . . .
{{peeing herself from laughing so hard}}
Nov 18, 2008 at 11:47 am rating: 90
#45
Consumee
Dont worry about the crumbs. My ferrett will gobble them right up.
Nov 18, 2008 at 11:59 am rating: 90
#46
Rowdy
Dear Gary, I will not be attending the standing rehearsal on Friday. I was already taught to pee at a very young age. Thanks anyway and best of luck.
Nov 18, 2008 at 12:17 pm rating: 90
#47
Dani
Now we know why he’s “Gary, Unmarried.”
Nov 18, 2008 at 12:23 pm rating: 90
#48
MW
Thanks for the invitation, Gary. Would it be better for you if I just hold in my piss until I faint? It would eliminate the spillage factor altogether.
Nov 18, 2008 at 12:37 pm rating: 90
#49
souldesqueeze
Why are we meeting at Howie Mandel’s house?
Nov 18, 2008 at 1:47 pm rating: 90
#50
bob
Where does this Gary live? He claims to have a condo, the refers to it as a house, then an apartment. And he talks about using his restroom. Aren’t restrooms found in public places and bathrooms found in private homes?
Perhaps he has four residences and different rules apply to different places?
So confused…
Nov 18, 2008 at 2:24 pm rating: 90
#51
leftfoot
you know, Gary didn’t mention that there was no smoking in his house. Just to irritate the bejeezus out of him, I’d light up, even though I don’t smoke.
Nov 18, 2008 at 2:31 pm rating: 90
#52
Sherilyn
At least he offered his apartment, though it sounds like it was a bit begrudgingly.
Nov 18, 2008 at 2:34 pm rating: 90
#53
Timo
He didn’t say where to sit to pee. Maybe he has the Poppy pee couch.
Nov 18, 2008 at 2:45 pm rating: 90
#54
Flaboy2425
The Scrubbing Bubbles ™ meet Mr. Tidy Bowl ™.
Nov 18, 2008 at 2:59 pm rating: 90
#55
LES
Thats the kind of place you go to just to take a dump on the floor.
Nov 18, 2008 at 3:18 pm rating: 90
#56
Legaleye
I don’t think Gary is even on the lease/contract. He lives in the spare closet and doesn’t want his cover blown. He pees at the Texaco, eats in his car, and sleeps standing up (which he rehearses quite regularly).
Nov 18, 2008 at 10:18 pm rating: 90
#57
slymaple
Sam R, You obviously have skipped the Middle East. Saudi arabs and most wahabbi muslim pees sitting down, owing to their belief that only dogs pee standing up (they have not seen a female dog obviously).
Nov 18, 2008 at 10:34 pm rating: 90
#58
Shady Acre's
I’m with the piss in the sink idea. Although I have to admit that some of my colleagues and I do this already. I am a political campaign consultant here in the U.S. and we have a running contest of whose houses we can do this in. Like a mayor’s house is worth more than a member of the council’s house and a senator’s sink is worth more than a member of the house. Senate is the highest any of us have gotten ( not easy). Though this generally applies to the bathroom sink there are major points for the kitchen sink. This has only been accomplished once (in philly). Almost forgot to mention you have to photograph the act for proof and send it to crew.
Nov 18, 2008 at 11:39 pm rating: 90
#59
JoeInLA
In Gary’s defense, I’ve noticed how much pee splashes around the rim of the toilet and the surrounding floor when guys pee standing up. Of course, one only notices when one is the person who has to clean up the dried pee-splashes. Also, I don’t have a great sense of smell, but I’ve known people who could walk into what appeared to me to be a perfectly tidy bathroom and smell urine (from those dried up pee-splashes).
Nov 19, 2008 at 3:30 pm rating: 90
#60
riley
I would love to volunteer my apartment. Starting right now, so we don’t have to go to Gary’s place.
I wonder what kind of non-crumbly snacks he plans on serving… he’s so adamant that they will be taking care of their own meals, but he will provide snacks? lol there’s the passive part of it… trying to be “nice” yet being a dick.
Nov 20, 2008 at 12:35 am rating: 90
#61
Fern
If a group of people go missing, at least we know what pscyho has them….
Nov 20, 2008 at 2:11 pm rating: 90
#62
HolyHamstersBatman
Gary should just do what I do. Fit everyone with catheters and pee-bags at the door. If he is still paranoid about spillage, he should invest in jumbo sized bags. He should also know that they are cheaper if bought in bulk, though I’m guessing a box of 20 will last him a lifetime of visitors (lifetime for him anyway).
Nov 20, 2008 at 7:42 pm rating: 90
#63 your are welcome to our home
[...] related: why you don’t want to go to b-school, in two words [...]
May 22, 2009 at 8:48 am rating: 90
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