Apparently, sayeth google analytics, the oh-so-clever phrase “if you sprinkle when you tinkle” is one of the most common search terms that leads people to this little website. (Sorry to disappoint you, folks — no cross-stitch patterns to be found here.)
So, um, yeah…I’m gonna go curl up the fetal position and die now. I’ll leave the textual analysis underlying the great “neat/sweetie” literary schism to you guys, k?
This one might be a little more home-spun, but I think the urine-colored highlighter and ellipses diarrhea really pushes it over the top:
If you want your mind completely blown, check out this international variation, from Jamaica:
And from San Francisco, the po-mo edition:
related: “Unattended children will be given espresso and a free puppy”
196 responses so far ↓
#1
Juliet
This just makes me want to piss over as many toilet seats as possible. What’s up with the cute animals? Are they cleaning up the pee afterward?
Dec 9, 2008 at 3:43 pm rating: 91
#2
zchamu
If someone pissed all over my toilet seat I’d be asking them to do a hell of a lot more than “wipe the seatie”. How’s “scrub down the entire room with lysol, you disgusting, aim-challenged hosebag”?
However, if I saw one of those signs, I’d do my best to pee on it. It’s just one of those things that has to be done.
Dec 9, 2008 at 3:43 pm rating: 90
#3
Juliet
I also quite enjoy the font in the first picture. Someone went to all the trouble to paint that wooden toilet and then they totally skimped on the writing part.
Dec 9, 2008 at 3:46 pm rating: 90
#4
djr
No matter how hard I scrub, my spinkle still wont twinkle.
Dec 9, 2008 at 3:52 pm rating: 90
#5
Bunnee
What is the cute little poem for the woman at my work who drips pee on the FLOOR in front of the toilet? “If your pee drips on the floor, wipe it up-don’t be a boor?”
Dec 9, 2008 at 4:03 pm rating: 90
#6
target_decoy
Reminds me of a decorative sign found in my grandparents bathroom: “We aim to please. You aim too, please.”
Dec 9, 2008 at 4:10 pm rating: 90
#7
OrangeXenon54
That seatie was fucking delicious!
But seriously, some guys have urethra problems. It can come out in two separate streams sometimes. It’s not so much about not being conscious about what we’re doing, it just happens!!!
Dec 9, 2008 at 4:10 pm rating: 90
#8
Drew
Hmm, I guess another myth about the mechanics of female urination has been shattered. I always assumed that “sprinkle” as a result of “tinkling” was strictly a man’s domain, since we’re usually approaching the problem from a good 18-24 inches further away…
Dec 9, 2008 at 4:11 pm rating: 90
#9
weird search
I think I originally discovered this site by googling the sprinkle while you tinkle phrase – glad to know I’m not alone.
Dec 9, 2008 at 4:14 pm rating: 90
#10
Bunnee
We not only have THAT sign at my workplace, but it continues: “If you splatter, not from the bladder, don’t let it be seen–wipe it clean. If you’ve gone to all that trouble, but now the smell in there is double, go ahead and go all the way–and go ahead and use the spray!” I shit you not.
Dec 9, 2008 at 4:16 pm rating: 90
#11
Canthz_B
If you splatted,
When you satted,
Wipe your socks,
Then, call your docs!
If it’s red,
Your legs don’t spread,
If it’s green,
Bitch, it’s your spleen!
Dec 9, 2008 at 4:19 pm rating: 90
#12
teeg
I would flush all those signs down the toilet.
Dec 9, 2008 at 4:25 pm rating: 90
#13
Tony Bullard
I always liked
“We aim to please.
You aim too, please.”
Dec 9, 2008 at 4:27 pm rating: 90
#14
Canthz_B
If you sprinkle,
When you tinkle,
Then, your thought skills,
You must hone.
You mistook sure,
What I asked for,
On top of my,
Ice cream cone!
Dec 9, 2008 at 4:28 pm rating: 90
#15
court
What about…
If it’s yellow, let it mellow.
If it’s brown, flush it down.
Dec 9, 2008 at 4:29 pm rating: 90
#16
Anthony
Rene Hall (squatter) sprinkles when she tinkles and does not wipe the seatie. owes me $64,083 in janitorial fees, thank you terry!
Dec 9, 2008 at 4:40 pm rating: 90
#17
Mark
On a slightly different note:
Welcome to our ool.
Notice there is no p in it.
Please keep it that way.
Dec 9, 2008 at 5:07 pm rating: 90
#18
silliyak
I always liked, “Will the pilot with the short landing gear please taxi a little further up the runway”
Dec 9, 2008 at 5:20 pm rating: 90
#19
Canthz_B
See our toilet,
Our shit’s cool.
Don’t piss wildly,
You’ve left the pool.
Dec 9, 2008 at 5:28 pm rating: 90
#20
claw71
As annoying as these rhymes are I fully appreciate that, although it has been proven that urine is sterile, people find wayward urine disgusting. However, I’ve noticed that, all to often, the offending urine on the toilet seat is not the product of errant drops or even a waning stream but rather the gradual cohesion of the tiny droplets that are generated both by the urine breaking the surface tension of the toilet water and the inconsistencies in the stream at the source (the pee pee hole). As you probably know, urination does not involve a steady stream but rather a series of rapid muscle contractions that link thousands of drops together.
A considerate man might very well examine the toilet seat and see no sign of urine only to come back five minutes later to find that pools of urine have formed in the tiny depressions on the surface of the toilet seat.
Knowing this, and being a considerate man, I seek out alternatives. If the sink is at the sufficient elevation I use it. The basin is large enough to capture the urine and I can minimize the distance over which the urine is falling. This decreases the urine’s impact with said basin which in turn decreases the distance the offending urinary mist will travel. A quick rinse is all I need to send my urine on its merry way. This is also very ecologically sound alternative since it uses less than a cup of water to complete the transaction.
Option two is the tub and/or shower. Since 99.8% of all people contact the tub/shower surface with either their feet or their buttocks this method requires no rinsing whatsoever. Whenever possible I use the tub/shower instead of the toilet because that’s what Al Gore wants. Sometimes I’ll use a tub even for fecal discharge if I believe I can force the turds down the drain. We all have to do our part. That’s how I do mine.
Dec 9, 2008 at 5:37 pm rating: 90
#21
Ajbu
A coffeeshop I frequent has this one:
“Our aim is to keep this bathroom clean.
Gentlemen, your aim will help. Stand close, it’s shorter than you think. Ladies, please remain seated for the entire performance.”
It’s not even a hand-written sign, it’s like a placard they must have purchased somewhere.
Dec 9, 2008 at 6:07 pm rating: 90
#22
aaa
If you “sprinkle when you tinkle,” why not just sit the hell down on the seat so you don’t contaminate it for everyone else? Seats only get germy after being bathed in room temperature urine.
Dec 9, 2008 at 6:29 pm rating: 90
#23
warinthepocket
But if you crap,
fasten your flap
& leave.
Dec 9, 2008 at 6:31 pm rating: 90
#24
aaa
Maybe the Phantom Shitter should have some signs like this. I mean, he did return and all.
Dec 9, 2008 at 6:35 pm rating: 90
#25
Ti O
So I was in this fancy place and they had a attendant in the sink area of the bathroom. I noticed he did not have a cover over the dish of mints sitting on the shelf. For that matter nothing was covered. Well I didn’t tip him and left the bathroom as soon as I washed my hands. Who would want a mint that had who knows how much fecal mist from every poo flush in that bathroom?
*tosses grenade, runs away*
Dec 9, 2008 at 6:38 pm rating: 90
#26
Laurel
This is not exactly true faecal coliforms can be found everywhere. If you left a culture dish out in the wilderness you would have colonies probably showing up there too. It is a fact of modern life, we eat poo.
You should always tip even 10% if you had poor service.
Dec 9, 2008 at 7:11 pm rating: 90
#27
T.U.M.
The boy who misses
When he pisses,
Everyone knows,
He’s Twinkle-toes.
Dec 9, 2008 at 8:38 pm rating: 90
#28
yousuckatcraigslist
What if you’re Annie Sprinkle when you tinkle? Then what?
Dec 9, 2008 at 9:50 pm rating: 90
#29
Canthz_B
So, are we to take it then that lawyers reincarnate as bathroom bards?
This is clearly the work of Johnnie Cochran.
“It’s not his pee, so set him free!”
Dec 9, 2008 at 10:57 pm rating: 90
#30
Canthz_B
Once while clubbing with her chummy,
Drinking much, behaving slummy,
One drunken girl approached
In awkward stupor, yon bathroom stall.
As she squatted, nearly out-passing,
Suddenly her ass song did sing,
This, no piss nor log she’d seen before,
Flung itself upon the floor.
Lamented she viewing excrement of lore…
Kamikazes, nevermore.
Could be better, but I lost interest in the project, sorry Edgar.
Dec 9, 2008 at 11:29 pm rating: 90
#31
AuntyBron
I saw the last sign and thought, “Tweety bird wrote this!”
Dec 10, 2008 at 1:26 am rating: 90
#32
Lyn
I skimmed comments, and didn’t see the Aussie version:
If you piss,
And you miss,
Please be neat,
Wipe the seat.
Dec 10, 2008 at 1:27 am rating: 90
#33
Syn
That third one HAS to be from Trader Joe’s. I work there and I know that style of signage anywhere. We have similar ones about flushing pads down the toilet in the ladies bathroom.
Dec 10, 2008 at 1:41 am rating: 90
#34
Charlie
I worked in an office for awhile with this girl that would always leave little notes everywhere. One day she had actually placed the tinkle sign at eye level in front of the toilet. So me and another coworker would always flick water after washing our hands onto the toilet. It was fun to watch her take the sign off the wall and go around the office showing it to everyone in case we missed it.
Dec 10, 2008 at 1:52 am rating: 90
#35
Woman on the Verge
The bathroom in our local grocery actually has, without signage, addressed the sprinkling tinkling like this:
In each stall there is a little pump spray thing on the wall with “seat cleaner” as well as the ubiquitous toilet seat covers.
I love toilet seat covers. I actually carry some in my purse at all times.
Dec 10, 2008 at 8:21 am rating: 90
#36
mere
if you pee on the seat then you’re a freak.
don’t lay your claim, and get better aim.
yes, i will cross-stitch that on a pillow, or tp koozie (coozie?).
Dec 10, 2008 at 9:49 am rating: 90
#37
claw71
Ladies and Gentlemen, Thin Lizzy:
Guess who missed the seat today
that cross-eyed boy everybody says is gay
if he could see it would matter any way
he won’t touch his dick because he’s crazy
I knew that he had been around
my ass got wet when I sat down
I was mad, wanted to kill that clown
Pissing on the toilet seat is lazy
That boy leaves the seat down
That boy leaves the seat down
I said
That boy leaves the seat down
That boy leaves the seat down
That boy leaves the seat down
You know that chick that we think is kind of hot
She had to pee after doing body shots
She freaked out when, man, and cursed a whole damn lot
Dude, I said she was steaming
And the other night over at CB’s place
Mishee came out and slapped him in the face
It didn’t matter if it was his place
If you piss on the seat you’re gonna get it
That boy leaves the seat down
That boy leaves the seat down
I said
That boy leaves the seat down
That boy leaves the seat down
That boy leaves the seat down
Dec 10, 2008 at 9:53 am rating: 90
#38
Missy
This is NOTHING. I work at a law school with a woman who is a big fan of passive-aggressive (and just plain weird) signs. She actually put “if you sprinkle when you tinkle…” signs in every stall of every bathroom on each floor of the law school right before a week that included both an open house for prospective students AND moot court (mock trials) presided over by the leaders and VIPs of our state court system.
Dec 10, 2008 at 11:53 am rating: 90
#39
Andy
When you pee, it’s always free
But let it stay, and you will pay!
Dec 10, 2008 at 11:56 am rating: 90
#40
cre8tivewmn
I’m very disappointed in the clip art. Nobody went to the trouble of showing a toilet seat, not to mention a splashed one. How are we to understand the message without good clip art?
Dec 10, 2008 at 12:39 pm rating: 90
#41
Joe blow
faecal coliforms …..hmmm….brings to mind this line of toys I played with as a small child….where you put these colored cut out things like animals, flowers, etc. onto a sticky board, and you could arrange them…. I think they were called Colorforms but after I let my friends play with them they often became faecal coliforms…..
Dec 10, 2008 at 1:56 pm rating: 90
#42
Miranda
If people would just get over their germophobia and sit on the seat this wouldn’t be a problem. I sit on a public toilet at least once a week and I don’t have AIDS. Haven’t been bitten by a brown recluse spider hiding in it either.
Dec 10, 2008 at 8:06 pm rating: 90
#43
T.U.M.
THAT’S NO SPIDER!
Dec 10, 2008 at 10:44 pm rating: 90
#44
terrinoble
“Be an adult, not a kid,
Hit the water, not the lid.”
Dec 10, 2008 at 10:54 pm rating: 90
#45
Mrs Gorman
“Pissing eveywhere is not very Chanel”
From Lagerfeld Confidential. Even Parisian fashion houses get pssive-aggressive.
http://www.artshub.co.uk/uk/news.asp?sId=167506&sType=review&sc=
Dec 11, 2008 at 4:27 am rating: 90
#46
BTG
The best one I’ve seen was at Blake’s Camp on Cape Rosier, Maine.
“We aim to please so you aim too please”
Dec 11, 2008 at 6:09 am rating: 90
#47
Lucky Pierre
How about: ”
If you sprinkle when you tinkle, lift up the seat before you do anything you disgusting pig. I mean, damn”
Dec 11, 2008 at 6:08 pm rating: 90
#48
Singe
Heh, this also shows up in the animated series “Superjail” as seen here: http://www.adultswim.com/video/?episodeID=8a2505951c9e6456011c9f038c490030
Dec 12, 2008 at 6:28 pm rating: 90
#49
On
In 7th grade, my coach posted something similar in the locker room stall:
Be like dad and not like sis,
lift the lid before you piss!
Dec 15, 2008 at 8:03 pm rating: 90
#50
charley jo
I haven’t heard of that one..only this one:
“We aim to please…”
“You aim too, please.”
Dec 16, 2008 at 3:30 pm rating: 90
#51 and yet…the pink flowers?
[...] appreciate the initial sentiment here — i really do. this website has already condemned the cutesy rhyme that begins with “if you sprinkle when you tinkle” to a water… so, for a brief flash in time, the note-writer had [...]
Mar 29, 2009 at 8:00 pm rating: 90
#52
ok
#1.3 Woman on the Verge
Oh, unfortunate names, I saw Ellen do that bit live back before she was truly famous… I thought the same thing when I saw this!
#1.4 The Commish
Let me gues: Woman on the Verge is one of those people who say “I liked that band before they started playing them on the radio.”
===
lol i thought the same thing
and getting wet over seeing ELLEN = fail
Apr 12, 2009 at 12:43 pm rating: 90
#53 2 notes, 1 cupcake
[...] louisiana manages to combine variations on two of the genre’s most irritating cliches — the rhyme that must be flushed and the clip art that must be stopped…with some additional ridiculous floral clip art [...]
Aug 28, 2009 at 12:04 am rating: 90
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