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Oral argument

December 11th, 2008 · 69 comments

Our defendant, Lee in Austin, was just finishing off a travel-sized toothpaste from a recent business trip when Lee’s roommate — apparently oblivious to this small change in routine — became convinced that Lee was mooching off her tube of Advance White.

“My roommate told my boyfriend that she had left me ‘a note,’ and about a week later he asked me if I had seen it. I had not, because, in fact, I had never touched her damn toothpaste. But now, every time I reach for my toothpaste, I see this.”

Being passive-aggressive - please buy your own

And by the way, adds Lee, “She [said roommate] is currently out of shampoo.”

related: Oh, please. Do I look like someone who uses drugstore shampoo?

FILED UNDER: Austin · hygiene · meta · roommates · sharing is caring

69 responses so far ↓

  • #1   Canthz_B bang

    Like anyone would steal Arm & Hammer toothpaste! Ha!

    Dec 11, 2008 at 11:58 pm   rating: 10  small thumbs up

    • #1.1   Goldie

      Wellll, if you have rats to poison…

      Dec 12, 2008 at 10:39 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

  • #2   Canthz_B bang

    I once used a whole tube of Advance White, but I didn’t get 3 shades whiter.

    Dec 12, 2008 at 12:01 am   rating: 9  small thumbs up

    • #2.1   aaa

      I once used a whole tube of Advance White and turned from albino to transparent.

      Dec 12, 2008 at 12:58 am   rating: 21  small thumbs up

    • #2.2   GhostWriter bang

      Advance White is really a counter-revolutionary force battling the NAACP.

      Dec 12, 2008 at 9:27 am   rating: 11  small thumbs up

  • #3   mh

    I love the self-awareness inherent in the first part. Even though I’m not sure what “pacsive aggressive” means…

    Dec 12, 2008 at 12:07 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

  • #4   Walrus

    A “fake boyfriend?” Is this a gay? Or is it someone your just passive aggressively fucking?

    Dec 12, 2008 at 12:10 am   rating: 32  small thumbs up

    • #4.1   lawrenceofinania

      You lost me at fake boyfriend. Who told whatcha who to wha’?
      How did the roommate know the fake boyfriend was in the room? How does a real roommate talk to a fake boyfriend before they talk to their actual roommate?
      Man, it was a great note until the explaination.

      Dec 12, 2008 at 3:43 pm   rating: 13  small thumbs up

    • #4.2   Juliet

      I too was lost at the fake boyfriend part.

      Dec 12, 2008 at 4:36 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #4.3   Walrus

      your=you’re, of course.
      I’m surprised the comment hasn’t become scorched earth for the heinous grammar error.

      Dec 12, 2008 at 6:15 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

  • #5   Aimee

    What’s a fake boyfriend? Filled with air? Imaginary? I just don’t understand.

    That toothpaste totally sucks anyways.

    Dec 12, 2008 at 12:14 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

  • #6   Aimee

    “to top it all off, observes lee, “she (said roommate) is currently out of shampoo.””

    What does this mean?

    Dec 12, 2008 at 12:19 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #6.1   Canthz_B bang

      That she’s using Lee’s…or toothpaste.

      Dec 12, 2008 at 12:25 am   rating: 11  small thumbs up

  • #7   Canthz_B bang

    Didn’t Lee Majors play Steve Austin, the six million dollar man?
    I thought they gave him hi-tech dentures!

    Dec 12, 2008 at 12:23 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

  • #8   warinthepocket


    Dec 12, 2008 at 12:35 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #9   mahlookma

    I have to wonder whether or not Lee, knowing that said roommate reads this blog, sent this in to communicate Lee’s side of the story in some kind of meta-passive-aggressive move.

    Dec 12, 2008 at 12:38 am   rating: 20  small thumbs up

  • #10   candybeans

    i am, also, way more concerned w/fake boyfriend and wtf the shampoo had to do w/anything than the note. Perhaps she started using lee’s travel size toothpaste as her shampoo, and that’s what’s pissing him off?? it’s thick, but it sure does make the scalp tingle, that toothpaste.

    Dec 12, 2008 at 12:51 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #11   harmonicpies bang

    If it takes Lee an entire week to finish off a travel tube of toothpaste, perhaps he (or she) ought to reconsider his (or her) oral hygiene habits.

    Dec 12, 2008 at 1:14 am   rating: 10  small thumbs up

    • #11.1   unholyghost2003 bang

      Perhaps she could supplement her travel toothpaste with some moothwash

      Dec 12, 2008 at 7:13 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

  • #12   aaa

    I had a fake boyfriend once, but then I turned to Second Life. *sigh* RealDolls only go so far.

    Dec 12, 2008 at 1:18 am   rating: 13  small thumbs up

  • #13   Lee

    To answer a few questions; you are an astute crowd.

    1) I did indeed realize this was the ultimate passive aggressive way to get back at a passive aggressive note, which is why I sent it in.
    Now, do I show it to her?

    2) “Fake boyfriend” is a term I (passive aggressively) gave to a guy who would not commit but treated me like me his girlfriend. Believe me… this does not need to be discussed in any more length.

    3) I bought toothpaste after the travel size ran out – I didn’t see the note until a week later.

    4) I found out she started keeping her shampoo & other shower things in her room so nobody uses them.

    5) She is a great roommate but this was too good to not send in to passiveaggressive notes.

    Dec 12, 2008 at 1:37 am   rating: 20  small thumbs up

    • #13.1   Amber

      Commenting on your own PA note just makes it less fun for the rest of us.

      Dec 12, 2008 at 1:42 am   rating: 32  small thumbs up

    • #13.2   Lee

      Sorry – the ramifications of roommate and/or fake boyfriend finding this came flooding to me fast.

      Dec 12, 2008 at 1:44 am   rating: 13  small thumbs up

    • #13.3   Amandah

      : (

      Dec 12, 2008 at 3:13 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

    • #13.4   unholyghost2003 bang

      oh! so he doesn’t KNOW he is your “fake Boyfriend” … are you worried about him seeing the “Fake” part or the “boyfriend” part?

      Dec 12, 2008 at 8:24 am   rating: 12  small thumbs up

    • #13.5   Ti O

      I think a better title would be “stunt” boyfriend. It sounds a little more manly and doesn’t make me think you have his detachable penis in your medicine chest next to your secret stash of toothpaste and moothwash.

      Dec 12, 2008 at 9:01 am   rating: 35  small thumbs up

    • #13.6   GhostWriter bang

      When I read, “…this does not need to be discussed in any more length” I can almost hear in my head the tawdry tale of what Lee did one night in the Regal Cinemas mens room, after which she began calling her boyfriend “fake”…

      OMG, if I had a “real” boyfriend, this never would have happened…

      Dec 12, 2008 at 9:22 am   rating: 8  small thumbs up

    • #13.7   Canthz_B bang

      I thought “fake boyfriend” was a large vibrating dildo that “told” Lee things when she reached orgasm.
      Now I know she’s just a booty-call who thinks there’s a “relationship”.

      Dec 12, 2008 at 10:52 am   rating: 17  small thumbs up

    • #13.8   lawrenceofinania

      I can’t resist a good dead-horse beating.
      Was the note actually funny, or was the need to publically make snide comments about your booty-call buddy irresistible?
      If he sucks, dump him. Dont take it out on us.

      Dec 12, 2008 at 3:47 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #13.9   Lee

      I was merely trying to provide a back story and felt uncomfortable using the term boyfriend.

      But boy has he stolen the show!

      Dec 12, 2008 at 3:59 pm   rating: 9  small thumbs up

  • #14   fantasy bang

    Lee concerning question # 2, your fake boyfreind?

    Why bring it in here if you don’t want it discussed at length?

    By the end of the day this will be ripped to shreds and eaten because this is PAN and that is what we do.

    Dec 12, 2008 at 7:58 am   rating: 7  small thumbs up

  • #15   fantasy bang

    awww no gigglebrax or edit. :(

    Dec 12, 2008 at 7:59 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #16   HorribleLicensePlates

    Ah, roommates. I do not miss them.

    Dec 12, 2008 at 8:21 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

  • #17   Thanks!

    I had a fake boyfriend once, he kept stealing my toothpaste, the good arm & hammer kind, then my roommate took him from me…
    Now the joke is on her, I found a real one and he doesn’t use toothpaste.

    Dec 12, 2008 at 9:25 am   rating: 14  small thumbs up

  • #18   Andy

    I’d rather have airborne fecal mist on my toothbrush than Arm & Hammer toothpaste.

    That chalky shit is disgusting and easily the most effective passive aggressive method to keep your roommate from stealing from your tube.

    Dec 12, 2008 at 10:28 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

  • #19   Goldie

    Geez guys, do I have to spell it out for you? A fake boyfriend is something many of us have, also sometimes referred to as a husband. He starts out as fairly real, and then gets faker as years go by.
    *if Mr.Goldie reads this, I am soooo screwed* just kidding, Mr. Goldie, just kidding!

    Dec 12, 2008 at 10:31 am   rating: 9  small thumbs up

  • #20   Ti O bang

    My sisters fake boyfriend seemed to demand that she buy a lot of “c” cell batteries. But she seemed quite cheerful about it. I think she has a new fake boyfriend now. Last week she came home from the market with two packages of “D” cell batteries.

    Dec 12, 2008 at 10:46 am   rating: 12  small thumbs up

    • #20.1   Goldie

      Guess the old one refused to commit, so she dumped him!

      Dec 12, 2008 at 10:53 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #20.2   claw71 bang

      RunBarbara buys latern batteries by the case.

      Dec 12, 2008 at 11:57 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

    • #20.3   Canthz_B bang

      RunBarbara’s plugs in, that’s why California has brown-outs.

      Dec 12, 2008 at 12:16 pm   rating: 9  small thumbs up

    • #20.4   Ti O

      “plugs in”
      “Brown out”

      sometimes it is too easy.

      Dec 12, 2008 at 12:50 pm   rating: 12  small thumbs up

    • #20.5   Canthz_B bang

      I know, Timo. As soon as I hit “submit”, I did a forehead slap! :-)

      Dec 12, 2008 at 1:31 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #21   Canthz_B bang

    I don’t think I could use a product that sounded like slang for a reach around. 8-O

    Dec 12, 2008 at 10:58 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #21.1   claw71 bang

      I could.
      I have.

      So far, everything has been a disappointment.

      Dec 12, 2008 at 11:53 am   rating: 5  small thumbs up

  • #22   Paul

    I guess I’m the only one who can’t read the note. “Please pay your own?” “Please bay your own?”

    Dec 12, 2008 at 11:18 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #22.1   Goldie

      “Please”? I thought it said “Heave”. Figured the original note was “Makes you heave. Use at your own risk”, but parts of it wore off.

      Dec 12, 2008 at 11:51 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #22.2   claw71 bang

      No, just the only one petty enough to waste a comment about it.

      Dec 12, 2008 at 11:51 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #22.3   Paul

      Well, I buy my comments in bulk, so I can afford to blow them on pointless things like oh I don’t know maybe understanding the note. kthx

      Dec 12, 2008 at 12:30 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

    • #22.4   Ti O


      Dec 12, 2008 at 12:54 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #22.5   Canthz_B bang

      “Please buy Brilliant, your sparkle own.”

      How hard is that?

      Dec 12, 2008 at 1:35 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

  • #23   claw71 bang

    Why would Lee have to handle her roomie’s toothpaste to get to her own? Just grab your tube of Aim, and brush those Cheez-its you call teeth.

    I think Lee is a big fat liar.

    You’re too cheap to buy a whitening toothpaste so you periodically swipe a squeeze of hers. You probably snagged a squirt of her Pantene every now and then as well because you wondered if the reason your boyfriend is “fake” is because he’s put off by your thin, dry hair and brittle split ends. Yeah, Lee, you think you’re so clever calling him a “fake” bf, but right now he’s telling all of his friends about his “booty call” with the roommate who is “really put together.”

    Dec 12, 2008 at 11:24 am   rating: 7  small thumbs up

    • #23.1   The Commish

      Pantene makes your hair fall out, so joke’s on Lee.

      Dec 12, 2008 at 4:43 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #24   Canthz_B bang

    Bicarbonate of soda toothpaste was a pretty good idea. They tried using Alka-Seltzer first, but it wasn’t pretty.

    Dec 12, 2008 at 11:43 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #24.1   claw71 bang

      No, but try popping an Alka-Setlzer tablet in your mouth as you head in for your next review.

      Dec 12, 2008 at 11:56 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

  • #25   Jenny P.

    Okay, I actually don’t understand what’s going on here. Lee was using travel-size toothpaste, so the roommate assumed (why?) she was using the roommate’s toothpaste, so the roommate wrote on Lee’s full-size toothpaste? Is this advance white Lee’s toothpaste? Did the roommate not see the travel size? Why did Lee not see the note for a week if it was on her toothpaste? I am confused.

    Dec 12, 2008 at 12:35 pm   rating: 7  small thumbs up

    • #25.1   Canthz_B bang


      Dec 12, 2008 at 1:38 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #25.2   djr

      I think there may be TWO tubes of PAN toothpaste. Tube #1 was not discovered until a week after the initial note-writing. And magically somehow the note transported itself onto Tube #2, which the OP purchased after running out of Travel Sized Tooth Paste.

      What I don’t get, however, is why Roommate would bother to PAN the tube of toothpaste that is obviously OP’s tube. Unless there is only One Tube (to rule them all…) and OP stole/purchased/or otherwise pilfered the Roommate’s Tube, causing it to now be “[her] toothpaste.”

      Also, the Shampoo Comment is to Passive-Aggressively point out that Roommate is now using OP’s shampoo in lieu of buying her own.

      Dec 12, 2008 at 1:40 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #25.3   aaa

      Basically, Jenny P., Lee’s nothing more than a booty call who doesn’t brush her teeth on a regular basis.

      Pssh. At least my fake boyfriend on Second Life sees the significance of our relationship. He tells me all the time how he likes it when my teeth are all clean and shit.

      Dec 12, 2008 at 1:45 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

    • #25.4   Rebecca

      I think maybe something like that is easy to overlook until it’s pointed out. And then it’s hard not to see it every time you open the bathroom cabinet. Or wherever they keep their toothpaste.
      The note was written on the roommate’s toothpaste, as far as I can tell.

      Dec 12, 2008 at 1:50 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #25.5   Jenny P.

      That makes total sense, Rebecca. I still don’t understand why the roommate thought Lee was using her toothpaste, but I am now a lot less confused.

      Dec 12, 2008 at 1:52 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #25.6   Rebecca

      Maybe she is just a person who likes to jump to conclusions about being wronged, with no evidence, besides the apparent circumstantial evidence of Lee’s teeth being regularly cleaned with no obvious separate toothpaste.

      Dec 12, 2008 at 3:35 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #25.7   malie

      Really? Because I’m even more confused. The accompanying “explanation” to this note explains NOTHING.

      Which tube of toothpaste is in the picture? And what’s the deal with the travel size toothpaste? What does that have to do with ANYTHING?

      It’s no fun at all if you don’t let the readers in on the joke.

      Dec 12, 2008 at 4:14 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #25.8   Jenny P.

      The way I understand it from what Rebecca said is that Roommate saw that Lee didn’t have a full-sized toothpaste (and didn’t see the travel size one at all, I’m guessing), so Roommate assumed that Lee was using her toothpaste (the arm and hammer), and wrote the note on Roommate’s toothpaste so that when Lee tried to use it again, she would see the note. Lee didn’t see the note because she never looked at Roommate’s toothpaste, since she wasn’t using it, but after her sex doll mentioned that there was a note on Roommate’s toothpaste, she saw it, and now that she knows it’s there, she sees Roommate’s toothpaste whenever she gets her own toothpaste, which is with Rooommate’s.

      Dec 12, 2008 at 4:23 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

    • #25.9   Rebecca

      I just assumed that the travel toothpaste was for some reason being kept out of sight, possibly in Lee’s room or something. Otherwise the roommate would probably assume he was using the travel travel toothpaste and not needing to steal hers. But, yeah, lot of assumptions needed here.

      Dec 12, 2008 at 4:28 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #25.10   Rebecca

      For some reason I thought Lee was male at first, so please read my posts accordingly :)

      Dec 12, 2008 at 4:50 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #26   Rebecca

    Ugh. My psycho ex-roommate pulled something like this once. She left a note on our fridge dry-erase board that we had to immediately “stop using her razor, it’s gross!!!” Apparently she hadn’t noticed that there happened to be two razors in the shower that were exactly the same color, shape and brand – one mine, one hers. She thought that I’d used her razor and then put it back in a different place than usual. It was kind of fun pointing that out (also on the dry-erase board, of course, in true PA steez).

    Dec 12, 2008 at 1:45 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #26.1   plausibletheories bang

      Ew. That means your roommate probably used YOUR razor.

      Dec 12, 2008 at 6:21 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #26.2   Rebecca

      That’s ok! I’m just glad she’s gone!

      Dec 13, 2008 at 1:20 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #27   Clumber bang

    Wait… ummm… Ok, is this one of those story problems? I think we still need to know which train station the toothpaste was purchased in, and what speed the other train would make in 20 minutes….

    And what about the butler, dammit?! WE MUST KNOW!

    Dec 16, 2008 at 2:49 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up


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