All I want for Christmas

December 16th, 2008 · 61 comments

Writes Monica in Salt Lake City, Utah: “The hip abduction machine has been broken at my local gym for almost the entire year. The powers that be claim it will be fixed soon, Monica says, but it looks like one fellow gym-goer decided to take up the issue with an even higher power.

Dear Santa, All I want for Christmas is this machine FIXED

Dear Santa, All I want for Christmas is this machine FIXED

related: evidently, yes

FILED UNDER: Christmas · gym · holiday spirit · Salt Lake City · Utah


61 responses so far ↓

  • #1   Canthz_B bang

    So, my two front teeth was too much to ask?

    Dec 16, 2008 at 12:09 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #1.1   Ti O

      I saw mommy kissing Santa Claus under the pull down lat machine.

      Dec 16, 2008 at 4:30 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
    • #1.2   Canthz_B bang

      ♫ Santa Baby, fix the hip machine for me, you’ll see! I will do a set or three…♫

      Dec 16, 2008 at 5:25 pm   rating: 15  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #2   Canthz_B bang

    I was going to start working out by jogging each day, but my hip was abducted!

    Dec 16, 2008 at 12:11 pm   rating: 44  small thumbs up

    • #2.1   Dani

      Yeah, maybe it’s a good thing that this machine is broken. I kinda need my hips. I’d step away from that thing if I were you and would be careful not to incur its wrath…

      Dec 16, 2008 at 1:36 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #2.2   AuntyBron

      CB – get it replaced.

      Dec 17, 2008 at 9:39 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #3   Canthz_B bang

    Santa’s clerical department returned this note advising that, while anonymous requests cannot be honored, machine #11 is still operational.

    Dec 16, 2008 at 12:16 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

     
  • #4   Ti O

    “…. on the twelfth day of Chroistmas my true love gave to me; Twelve hip abductor reps…”

    Dec 16, 2008 at 12:26 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #4.1   Holiday Djinn

      I would hold out for the 4 colly birds. . . .. .

      Dec 16, 2008 at 3:15 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #5   Melissa

    The note writer should hand this stocking to an employee who is in the middle of giving a tour to a prospective gym member. Chances are (s)he’s wearing a Santa hat anyway.

    Dec 16, 2008 at 12:31 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

     
  • #6   Denagh

    Damn sad that the poor gym rats have to resort to asking Santa to fix stuff..what on earth do the gyms use all the money we pay them for any how??

    Dec 16, 2008 at 12:32 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #6.1   bob

      the ARM they got to buy the building

      Dec 16, 2008 at 12:39 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #6.2   Flaboy2425

      They use the money to pay their best swimmer to swim across the Pacific and get the part needed to repair the machine which was purchased from an unknown manufacturer. Or they use it to pay a manager who really doesn’t care if the machines work or not as long as he gets his share of the money taken in.

      Dec 16, 2008 at 12:56 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #7   Denagh

    Oops I hit the button too many times….

    Dec 16, 2008 at 12:32 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #8   MoxieHart

    Since this is Salt Lake City, shouldn’t they be asking Moroni to help them?

    Dec 16, 2008 at 12:34 pm   rating: 14  small thumbs up

    • #8.1   fantasy bang

      The note writer went to the gym because he had little faith in Prophet Moroni, yes, he needed that hip reduction machine!

      Because man, that is where it’s at, that is where all the cute chicks hung out, “He likes BIG butts and he can not lie!”

      ….he knew Moroni, could do nothing for his fetish!

      Dec 16, 2008 at 2:06 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #8.2   Ti O bang

      Oh Fantasy! ♥

      Dec 16, 2008 at 2:37 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #8.3   Canthz_B bang

      Fantasy, ALL real men like big butts on women.
      I can’t wait for the day women stop listening to gay fashion designers’ opinions about what a sexy woman is.
      How the fuck would they know? They’re attracted to males!

      Dec 16, 2008 at 7:19 pm   rating: 15  small thumbs up

       
    • #8.4   fantasy bang

      ;) I Love you C.B., you are a wonderful hunk of man ! ♥

      Dec 16, 2008 at 8:34 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #8.5   Woman on the Verge bang

      I think we should start a CB fan club.

      Dec 16, 2008 at 8:42 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #8.6   fantasy bang

      I am going to let my butt grow as big as it wants to be! :mrgreen:

      “Big girls have more fun”!

      Dec 16, 2008 at 8:54 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #8.7   Saysh bang

      I’m ALL about the CB fan club!! Let us all be comfy in our skins!!If we have big butts, let us know that men LOVE them! Woot!

      Dec 16, 2008 at 11:14 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #8.8   Canthz_B bang

      traces figure eights in the sand with his big toe :oops:

      Dec 17, 2008 at 1:33 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

       
    • #8.9   Bunnee

      CB, you forgot the “Oh shucks, ladies”… :)

      Dec 17, 2008 at 9:53 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #8.10   unholyghost2003 bang

      CB, that reminds me of David Spade on Spade in America (remember that on SNL?) He once said something along the same lines

      Dec 17, 2008 at 10:17 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #8.11   juicy j

      I want to be apart of the CB fan club…. is there any hazing involved?

      Dec 17, 2008 at 1:20 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #9   C

    As a personal trainer, I think people use machines too much anyway. They restrict your range of motion. Hit the hip abductors as follows: stand on one foot, and move the other leg in circles. Then move the leg in circles in the other direction. Repeat with the other leg. You can even do it lying down on your side. If you’re desperate enough to shrink your ass that you’d buy a dollar-store stocking and pin a note to it, you should be desperate enough to Google some alternative hip workouts.

    That being said, this is one shitty gym if they leave equipment broken for a year. It looks like a fairly new machine, too.

    Dec 16, 2008 at 1:00 pm   rating: 10  small thumbs up

    • #9.1   Sirius bang

      No, you shouldn’t Google “alternative hip workouts”. You’ll be subjected to some really shitty music.

      Dec 16, 2008 at 1:16 pm   rating: 24  small thumbs up

       
    • #9.2   unfortunate names blog

      or creepy hip porn. i thought knee porn was weird enough.

      Dec 16, 2008 at 9:09 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #10   Girl Friday

    I asked Santa to “pretty please implore” me too but it turns out he prefers to Dom.

    I guess that explains the black patent accessories.

    Dec 16, 2008 at 1:05 pm   rating: 9  small thumbs up

    • #10.1   Sirius bang

      He knows you’ve been naughty, GF

      Dec 16, 2008 at 1:17 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

       
    • #10.2   Ti O bang

      Rudolph does NOT have a red nose. That is a bright red ball gag in his mouth.

      Dec 16, 2008 at 1:38 pm   rating: 10  small thumbs up

       
    • #10.3   Girl Friday

      “I’ll be extra good…Please BEG.”

      It’s all in how you arrange the randomly placed words.

      …and whether or not you have the reindeer riding crop ready to strike.

      Dec 16, 2008 at 4:25 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #10.4   Ti O

      You are a deliciously naughty elf aren’t you? :twisted: :grin:

      Dec 16, 2008 at 4:33 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #11   Andy

    I’m sorry, Monica. I’m the one that broke the machine. The reason they won’t fix it is because last year I strained so hard abducting my hips that I shit all over the machine and no one wants to get near it.

    Dec 16, 2008 at 1:54 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

     
  • #12   Debris Blanc

    Wouldn’t a hip abduction be a gang of beatniks kidnapping someone while wearing berets and digging some jazz on the portable hi-fi?

    Dec 16, 2008 at 4:00 pm   rating: 28  small thumbs up

    • #12.1   Canthz_B bang

      Or, a hip abduction could be the kidnapping of a bongo player.

      Dec 16, 2008 at 4:09 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #13   Ti O

    Hey crazy man like this cat is ding dong done.

    *snap snap*

    Dec 16, 2008 at 4:24 pm   rating: 9  small thumbs up

     
  • #14   aaa

    Perhaps this is a rather, *ahem*, obscure question to be asking, but why the hell is Monica still at that gym?

    Dec 16, 2008 at 4:51 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #15   monica

    aaa, because it’s cheap, nearby, and I never really used that machine anyway.

    :D

    Dec 16, 2008 at 4:53 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #15.1   aaa

      Ah, I see.

      P.S. For future reference, you should gigglebrax lest you incur the wrath of the nesting gods.

      Dec 16, 2008 at 5:59 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
    • #15.2   Woman on the Verge bang

      Because there is no way in hell you will outrun the nesting gods if you haven’t been working your hip abductors.

      Dec 16, 2008 at 8:12 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

       
    • #15.3   Debris Blanc

      oops-duplicate comment deleted

      Dec 16, 2008 at 9:09 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #16   Debris Blanc

    To the tune of “Santa Claus is Coming to Town:”

    Oh, I’ve got a huge ass
    I’ve got some big thighs
    but I can’t work out
    and I’m telling you why-
    The hip abductor is still broken down

    I made up a note
    Wrote it real nice
    Pinned it to a stocking
    In a cute Christmas-sy guise
    But the hip abductor’s still broken down

    You see, I’m always eating
    Chips and pies and cake
    I even ate my roommate’s Outback bread
    ‘Cause it was fuc….uhm, I mean really good……for goodness sake!

    So- I’ve got a big gut
    I’ll tell you no lies
    The cheeks of my butt are basketball-sized
    ‘Cause the hip abductor’s still broken down

    Dec 16, 2008 at 8:58 pm   rating: 22  small thumbs up

     
  • #17   Phalange

    Someone’s really this distraught over the hip abductor machine? The one where you sit spread eagle like you’re about to receive a pelvic exam?

    Dec 17, 2008 at 8:13 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #18   claw71 bang

    I always call that machine the vaginator and you can usually find me seated on the floor a few feet in front of it. Best show in town.

    Dec 17, 2008 at 8:49 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

    • #18.1   Canthz_B bang

      Huzzah for cameltoes! :twisted:

      Dec 17, 2008 at 11:21 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

       
    • #18.2   Phalange

      Coming in 2009….

      Arnold Schwarzeneggar plays a gynecologist out for revenge in….

      THE VAGINATOR

      Dec 17, 2008 at 1:08 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

       
    • #18.3   Debris Blanc bang

      Maybe Claw wrote the note……

      Dec 17, 2008 at 3:48 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
    • #18.4   C

      Vaginator catch phrase: “I’ll be pap!” Or maybe “Hasta la yeast-a, baby!”

      Dec 17, 2008 at 4:10 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #19   biscuit

    Ah, excuse #273 for not working out.

    Dec 17, 2008 at 9:46 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #20   Amanda

    I’ve always wanted to leave a passive aggressive note on these machines, or the gym in general.

    “If you get on this machine or one similar to it, please wear pants because most likely your shorts will ride up and expose yourself to the entire gym”

    Ew! So perhaps this broken machine is a blessing in disguise

    Amanda
    http://www.theperplexikon.com

    Dec 17, 2008 at 11:58 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #21   GhostWriter bang

    Don’t fall for it! A woman never really means, “All I want for Christmas…” Go ahead and fix the machine, but give her no other presents; you’ll see what I’m talking about.

    Dec 17, 2008 at 12:59 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

     
  • #22   monica

    Okay, so nobody is reading this thread anymore, but it’s worth noting that I went to the gym last night and the machine had been magically fixed.

    PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE BEHAVIOR WORKS!

    Dec 24, 2008 at 1:42 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #22.1   Sirius bang

      PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE BEHAVIOR WORKS!

      For everyone except the BYU football team :(

      Dec 24, 2008 at 1:45 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

       
     
  • #23   “What if someone like you had stolen Baby Jesus?” | PassiveAggressiveNotes.com

    [...] related: All I want for Christmas [...]

    Dec 16, 2009 at 10:51 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #24   arolaJathyfaf

    The metal was a greenishblue. He answered, without smiling, Always. They looked at the city. And a great deal more. I cannot issue any public statements about it. But I cant issue a public denial! It was almost a plea. One cannot tell its nature, or its future .

    Feb 26, 2010 at 6:43 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #25   duccemsmike

    Theyre right on top of us, and Savous and Hyle are both on the surface. They had both recognized Salins unique voice when hed spoken through his mindlink with Radin. Shes already denied me. Rhaes markings stood out on his black skin, almost glowing in the amply lit arena. Fingers digging into his hips, she pushed herself away from him. That spell shouldnt have been so hard. Radin asked after theyd traveled a distance in silence. He bent his legs underneath her arms, drawing her tighter to his groin. Or maybe her raw power from before had allowed her to read him more clearly. Apologizing to her parents had been easier. Angrily, she dashed tears from her eyes, stepping toward the outer door. I was beginning to wonder if youd lost your mind. Brevins voice was so close, she had to open her eyes. Tykirs cock slid deliciously through her hands, the oils from his skin coating her palms. It sparked the flame, and she dropped to scream into the mattress. He rolled his hips into her, taking his time in building toward climax. Now that he was here, she was unsure how to begin. What if one of them had fathered a child? We arent exactly a monogamous society. Mmmmm, she purred, licking the side of his lips as well as her own fingers.

    Feb 27, 2010 at 5:12 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #26   Wantablermern

    For now, we rely on Jarak and hope Savous and Hyle get back in time. But the best fighting they could manage were savage couplings to slake the sexual need. To a raedjour, that could be as effective as a douse of icy cold water. But the vetriese… Irin paused. She wanted to lash out at Nialdlye, but that was wrong. Her current position didnt allow her to see Nialdlye, Brevin, Lanthan, or Tykir. Suddenly shy, Eyrhaen stared at the crimson and midnight pattern in the rug. Hyle blinked up at her. Nialdlye stood to one side, directing. Shed messed that one up. Tykir had a warmer heart than that. Dont expect me to like it, and dont expect me to let you tease me! She saw Brevin give Tykir a withering look. What shed done before had only amplified it. Whispering low in the smaller mans ear, he pulled Tykir away. she asked, voice hoarse. You can hardly have all the time in the world for me. In the time shed had with them, Eyrhaen had been a main point of discussion. His bold words cut through a world of insecurity. He weighed her breasts with his palms, squeezing gently.

    Feb 27, 2010 at 9:42 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     
  • #27   autompanypemn

    Four downward sloping lines above either hip, then a thicker arch just over his navel. Ill assume by your current state that the compulsion to rut overtook you as well? Colors bled, and the stone trees melted into the floating water of the stream. But she knew firsthand that knowing and seeing it happen were two very different things. The stone beneath her clutching fingers started to crumble.
    [url=http://blacky.0fees.net]black shot[/url]

    Mar 2, 2010 at 8:28 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

     

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