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Just wait ’til he finds out the truth about the whole “fat guy down the chimney” thing

December 22nd, 2008 · 86 comments

Sarah was taking a little stroll in Berkeley, California last December when she saw a house that clearly belonged to the “more is more” school of holiday decorating.

You know the type: “Giant candy canes, red bows, lights, even one of those life-sized plastic snow globes that blows confetti snow all around inside — all in a yard about the width of the sidewalk I was walking on,” Sarah says. “This note was tacked onto the fence, above an empty space in the row of candy canes.”

Who stole and vandalized a candy cane? Shame on you! My son will not understand your behavior. He will be confused and sad. Please control yourself and don't vandalize the Xmas decorations.

Adds Sarah: “Poor little boy. Now he’s not going to know it’s Christmas.”

related: a holiday wish

FILED UNDER: Berkeley · Christmas · excessive underlining · guilt trip · holiday spirit · Moms & Dads · stealing · vandalism · Won't somebody think of the children?

86 responses so far ↓

  • #1   NoExit

    Sure, use your son to make the vandal feel bad. What she doesn’t know is that the poor kid gets off the bus two stops early so no one will know he lives there.

    Dec 22, 2008 at 4:06 pm   rating: 51  small thumbs up

    • #1.1   BurstingAtTheSeams

      It was bad enough before the cane was gone. After the note appeareed, he really didn’t want people to know he lived there…

      Dec 24, 2008 at 2:41 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

  • #2   se

    I’m thinking the boy tried to eat the candy cane, when he realized it was inedible, he hid it.

    Dec 22, 2008 at 4:11 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

    • #2.1   claw71 bang

      I think the boy sodomized himself with that candy cane and doesn’t want his parents to be confused and sad.

      Dec 22, 2008 at 4:23 pm   rating: 27  small thumbs up

    • #2.2   unfortunate names blog

      yeah, thats what se means by “hid it” heh

      Dec 23, 2008 at 8:25 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

  • #3   GhostWriter bang

    I luv me a note with a mullet.

    Dec 22, 2008 at 4:13 pm   rating: 50  small thumbs up

  • #4   Sylvie

    How does she know it was vandalized if they stole it?

    Dec 22, 2008 at 4:17 pm   rating: 22  small thumbs up

  • #5   claw71 bang

    Confused and sad? Leave him alone upstairs with creepy uncle Chester the barely acquitted child molester and you’ll have a whole new perspective on what confused and sad is.

    Dec 22, 2008 at 4:22 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

  • #6   Canthz_B bang

    I hate when they use their kids to try to guilt others.
    Hey, Dumbass, if your kid won’t understand, don’t tell him it was stolen by a Grinch. Tell him Santa always takes a souvenir from special houses so he can be sure to remember them on Christmas Eve.

    Dec 22, 2008 at 4:26 pm   rating: 25  small thumbs up

    • #6.1   se

      Then the boy looks around at the rest of the family, realizes that everyone else is normal and begins to think “hmm, I must be the special one”.
      and now he knows why he goes to “art school”.

      Dec 22, 2008 at 4:36 pm   rating: 8  small thumbs up

    • #6.2   Geek Goddesss

      I went to Art School, and I am norm…

      Hey, wait a minute!

      Dec 22, 2008 at 9:12 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

    • #6.3   teeg

      I don’t think the short bus goes all the way to the art school.

      Dec 23, 2008 at 10:33 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

  • #7   Canthz_B bang

    If your kid doesn’t understand that there is good in the world and there is bad in the world…parenting, ur doing it rong.

    Dec 22, 2008 at 4:30 pm   rating: 15  small thumbs up

  • #8   Jonny

    Could this have anything to do with it? haha

    From last weeks “This is True”

    Del Paso Heights, Calif., was interrupted when an apparently drunk
    neighbor crashed the party. As guests were milling around the front
    lawn, Donald Kercell, 49, allegedly pulled a knife and threatened the
    guests. When he allegedly started slashing people’s clothing, a guest
    decided to fight back with the only weapon at hand: a 2-ft candy cane
    Christmas decoration from the lawn, which he used to beat Kercell down.
    After the intruder was subdued, police arrived and charged him with
    assault with a deadly weapon. Police ruled the candy man acted in self-
    defense and no charges are pending against him. (Sacramento Bee)”

    Dec 22, 2008 at 4:32 pm   rating: 24  small thumbs up

    • #8.1   Canthz_B bang

      So, caning is ok in the US if it’s in self-defense.
      Take that Singapore!!

      Dec 22, 2008 at 4:40 pm   rating: 16  small thumbs up

    • #8.2   trapdoorspider

      Well there you go! Someone should post this on her fence as a response to her note. For all she knows that candy cane could have been used in an act of heroism that could have been an inspiration to her son!

      Dec 22, 2008 at 5:42 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

  • #9   Canthz_B bang

    There goes my Xmus spirit! :-(

    Dec 22, 2008 at 4:43 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

  • #10   RandyinReno

    The confusion appears to be on the parent’s part. Initially indecisive on vandalis(z)ed, expanded the confusion with the U.S. spelling of behavior, but reverted to U.K. spelling on the final vandalise.

    No wonder the kid is confused and sad.

    Dec 22, 2008 at 4:44 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #10.1   Canthz_B bang

      She’s raising a son in San Francisco and thinks he won’t see anything confusing? 8-O

      Dec 22, 2008 at 4:47 pm   rating: 38  small thumbs up

    • #10.2   secondsout bang

      Well, Berkeley, actually. He’ll be more confused by the thousands of unnecessary local laws than a missing candy cane.

      Dec 23, 2008 at 2:46 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #10.3   Canthz_B bang


      I must have jumped the gun on that because of my Bipolar Disorder, or my idiocy!! ↓ :lol:

      Dec 23, 2008 at 4:46 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #10.4   Mono

      this guy “vandali8ed” a tree to write this stupid note. he shoulda just spelled it out in lights, or maybe ask santa for a dictionary and some bike locks.

      Dec 25, 2008 at 7:42 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #11   Canthz_B bang

    How big is a life-sized plastic snow globe? I’ve never seen a live one.

    Dec 22, 2008 at 4:45 pm   rating: 12  small thumbs up

    • #11.1   Woman on the Verge bang

      Well, CB, it would be, you know, life-sized. Like the size of someone alive. Unfortunately, we have several in our neighborhood. Why? I have no clue. We have enough damn snow outside the globe.

      Dec 22, 2008 at 4:49 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #11.2   Canthz_B bang

      No, a life-sized plastic horse is the size of a real, live horse. A life-sized statue of a human is the size of a live human.
      What size is a live snow globe?

      Dec 22, 2008 at 4:55 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #11.3   Clare

      Maybe it means that there’s an entire life-size village in there. Or at least one house.

      Dec 22, 2008 at 5:07 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #11.4   Woman on the Verge bang

      Sorry, CB, let me put it this way: If Frosty was a man – say, a small man – he would be right at home in the snow globe. The damn things have about a 10 foot diameter, I think.

      Dec 22, 2008 at 5:13 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #11.5   Canthz_B bang

      Any joke that needs to be explained isn’t a very good joke. My apologies. :-|

      Dec 22, 2008 at 5:23 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #11.6   Woman on the Verge bang

      Aw, CB, my fault. I was apparently feeling terribly literal.

      Dec 22, 2008 at 6:15 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #12   Woman on the Verge bang

    Dear Confused and Sad,
    It’s one damn candy cane. Suck it up and get over it.

    Dec 22, 2008 at 4:49 pm   rating: 9  small thumbs up

    • #12.1   Geek Goddesss

      Apparently, somebody sucked up the candy cane

      Dec 22, 2008 at 8:09 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

  • #13   Paul_in_R

    “Confused and sad,” is he a retard that they keep in the basement? I hate when parents use their kids as guilt. If your child is confused by one candy can missing they must be “special” and if so then you should be worried more about helping them than about a candy cane. Plus, it’s one candy cane, buy another one you cheap bastards.

    Dec 22, 2008 at 4:57 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

    • #13.1   secondsout bang

      True that. And won’t he also be confused and sad by the angry note on the fence, too?

      Dec 22, 2008 at 9:03 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

  • #14   trapdoorspider

    Ostentatious Christmas decorations are going to be vandalized. Period. If you graduated from the Clark Griswold school of Xmas decorating, there’s gonna be a target on your back. I’m amazed someone who went to that extent to decorate their place didn’t have a couple of spare candy canes just in case.

    Probably better not to buy a replacement though. She can put the money towards therapy for her son instead.

    Dec 22, 2008 at 5:39 pm   rating: 12  small thumbs up

  • #15   trapdoorspider

    Just another thought: if the candy cane was stolen, how does she know it was vandalized? Does she have some sort of psychic connection with the candy cane, like those stories about mothers and their children, where if the kid is miles away and gets hurt, the mother feels the pain too?

    Dec 22, 2008 at 5:46 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

    • #15.1   RandyinReno

      She’s obviously a candy cane empath.

      Dec 22, 2008 at 5:49 pm   rating: 15  small thumbs up

    • #15.2   unfortunate names blog

      Well someone should put a note up about her sign. I don’t appreciate her taking the Christ out of Christmas. He died so you could write your PA note and raise a stupid kid.

      Dec 22, 2008 at 6:29 pm   rating: 12  small thumbs up

  • #16   claw71 bang

    Those inflatable decorations are getting way out of hand. I mean, the giant purple gorilla is a classy way to sell used cars on Memorial Day weekend but those tacky holiday statues they sell at the super stores should be left onthe shelf.

    Here’s a helpful hint from claw71: if it seems like a neat idea at WalMart, it’s not.

    Dec 22, 2008 at 6:26 pm   rating: 17  small thumbs up

    • #16.1   Woman on the Verge bang

      And if you have all your teeth, going to WalMart doesn’t seem like a neat idea at all.

      Dec 22, 2008 at 6:40 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #16.2   Goldie

      Are you kidding? Inflatables are my favorites! Why, just last year I saw one looking exactly like Mr. Hanky. I was like, Finally, a Christmas Poo inflatable. I get closer and it’s a fucking brown penguin (??) peeking out of an igloo (????) Bummer.
      Another trick with inflatables is something I learned from a bloggy friend many years ago. Try it. Wait for a sharp drop in temperature, and go drive down a street that has inflatables in front of every house. You’ll thank me. The street will look exactly like a drive-by shooting just took place. Dead Santas, reindeer and snowmen on the ground everywhere. Never fails to make my day.

      Dec 23, 2008 at 12:47 am   rating: 12  small thumbs up

    • #16.3   Phalange

      You mean the Giant-Wacky-Waving-Inflatable-Flailing-Arm-Tube-Man I got on clearance from Bill’s Giant-Wacky-Waving-Inflatable-Flailing-Arm-Tube-Man Emporium isn’t a classy decoration??

      Dec 23, 2008 at 7:49 am   rating: 8  small thumbs up

    • #16.4   Juliet

      Goldie, thanks for the suggestion!

      Dec 23, 2008 at 1:29 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #17   Fluffy Fox

    I vandalized the candy cane so I could scrub my nubbin.

    Dec 22, 2008 at 6:40 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

  • #18   Canthz_B bang

    Anyone who gets angry enough to take a bite out of a sign before posting it, has no right to ask others to control themselves.

    Dec 22, 2008 at 6:41 pm   rating: 10  small thumbs up

    • #18.1   Saysh bang

      Heh heh

      Dec 23, 2008 at 12:53 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #19   ...and blah and blah and blah....

    Messages at 4:26, 4:30, 4:40, 4:43, 4:45, 4:47 and 4:55. A.D.D. much? Yikes.

    And you’re STILL a bi-polar idiot. At least some things can always be counted on in these uncertain times.

    Dec 22, 2008 at 7:03 pm   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #19.1   Canthz_B bang

      It’s a gift. ;-)

      Dec 22, 2008 at 7:16 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #19.2   Wade bang

      Poor blah cubed.

      Obsessively and meticulously recording the postings of another is a good indicator of OCD

      I would strongly urge you to seek help.

      Or spend you free time at instead.


      Dec 22, 2008 at 8:04 pm   rating: 4  small thumbs up

    • #19.3   aaa

      No, don’t tell them to go to CO! CO has enough bitchy know-it-alls as it is!

      Dec 23, 2008 at 1:20 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #19.4   Juliet

      Did Blah cubed forget to gigglebrax?

      So what if someone posts 80 times? As far as I know, that’s allowed.

      Dec 23, 2008 at 1:35 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #19.5   Juliet

      Just don’t add a link to your blog after your comments ;-)

      Dec 23, 2008 at 1:38 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #19.6   Juliet

      Just don’t add a link to your blog ;-)

      Dec 23, 2008 at 1:40 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #19.7   BurstingAtTheSeams

      … was there a point to your comment? (Not yours, Juliet, but #19).

      I like coming to PAN a few times a week and reading the comments. People who post alot give PAN a nice homey feel. Although I’m not sure why you think his comments reek of ADD. He’s obviously got a long enough attention span to follow through the comment section.

      I bet you’re just bitter about getting shot down earlier. You’re not crossing guard, are you?

      Dec 24, 2008 at 2:37 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #19.8   Canthz_B bang


      the check is in the mail, Bursting.

      Dec 24, 2008 at 2:43 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #19.9   JamieSays

      I agree with Wade. I agree so much, I almost posted the exact same thing until I remembered it’s already been said.

      I’m having a spectacular time reading back through these. Hell, I wish they’d post MORE.

      Jan 4, 2009 at 3:09 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #20   Mubina

    How is the boy going to notice one tiny, inconsequential, missing candy cane?

    Dec 22, 2008 at 8:50 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #20.1   Goldie

      His mother counts them every morning, and poor boy gets a spanking if there are any missing. You’d notice it too.

      Dec 23, 2008 at 12:49 am   rating: 4  small thumbs up

    • #20.2   Mono

      not to mention as a punishment “daddy” makes him spit shine em every night so they get that nice candy coated sheen when it freezes… poor kid prolly got attached, he spent all month strokin those canes!

      did i say punishment? i meant “to enhance the family ‘unit’”.

      Dec 25, 2008 at 7:31 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #21   Quite Contrary bang

    If something was stolen…as in gone, missing, disappeared…how can one tell it has been vandalized?

    Dec 22, 2008 at 9:00 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

  • #22   Canthz_B bang

    They should put out an Amber Alert for the giant candy cane.
    When the offender is caught, he should have to register as a candy cane thief/vandal.
    These people cannot be rehabilitated, but parents can be made aware of their presence in our neighborhoods!

    Dec 22, 2008 at 9:08 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

  • #23   Anonymous

    That candy cane was fucking delicious

    Dec 22, 2008 at 10:11 pm   rating: 6  small thumbs up

  • #24   souldesqueeze

    I’m a big fan of “Xmus”.

    Dec 23, 2008 at 12:49 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #25   Goldie

    I was there and saw the whole thing. The candy cane vandalized that guy, not the other way around. He was walking past, minding his own business, when the cane jumped out, ripped through his pants, and had its way with him. The cane then ran away. Last I saw it was on “House, MD” – apparently evil cane made its way into Hollywood. It is no longer red-and-white-striped; ever since the incident, it has been brown, for obvious reasons.

    Dec 23, 2008 at 12:53 am   rating: 1  small thumbs up

  • #26   Stephanie

    I dunno, I think if people want to go crazy with their decorations, who are we to be all ‘bah-humbug’ about it? It’s those crazy-ass houses that are the most fun to look at!

    Stealing a Christmas decoration is like making Sarah Palin your VP. It’s just dumb, and you’re not a maverick.

    Dec 23, 2008 at 8:58 am   rating: 2  small thumbs up

    • #26.1   unholyghost2003 bang

      Who are we to be all ‘bah-humbug’ about it? we are the snarky, the wicked, we are the PANSTERS! hee hee hee

      Dec 23, 2008 at 9:51 am   rating: 6  small thumbs up

  • #27   andipandi

    so, it seems you guys are defending theft and vandalization?

    way to go.

    Dec 23, 2008 at 10:36 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #27.1   unholyghost2003 bang

      it seems you have no sense of humor. Will our decrying the horrors of giant plastic candy-cane theft cause the decoration to be returned? NO. Will cracking jokes about stealing holiday decorations brighten our day? YES.

      Listen asspanda if you just want to whinge about how we are all assholes and malcontents that is fine … but why do it here?

      Dec 23, 2008 at 10:46 am   rating: 14  small thumbs up

    • #27.2   Canthz_B bang

      The Program—

      Get with it.

      Dec 23, 2008 at 11:26 am   rating: 3  small thumbs up

    • #27.3   Goldie

      You can steal my candy cane anytime, Andipandi. I loves me a man who can take a stand on a PAN thread full of wanton vandals. Or a woman, I’m not picky.

      Dec 23, 2008 at 1:25 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #27.4   aaa

      Man, what is it about PAN that seems to attract humorless dicks like fecal mist on toothbrushes?

      Dec 23, 2008 at 1:25 pm   rating: 5  small thumbs up

    • #27.5   Juliet

      Just speaking for myself, I was defending the theft and vandalism. It sounded like they had plenty of decorations to spare, and anything left outside is fair game. *Sarcasm, hopefully, will be noted.*

      Andipandi, you must be new here. Relax guy, take a nap.

      Dec 23, 2008 at 1:46 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #27.6   andipandi

      I read the comments frequently, because, yes, they are amusing. However, I found it ironic that commenters that are usually dirisive about clinique and shampoo stealers were oddly supportive of candy cane stealers. So now we know the distinction!

      What bothered me most was the desparaging tone towards the poor kid and his mom’s parenting abilities, those just weren’t even funny.

      PS: As anonymous already stated, that candy cane was fucking delicious.

      PPS: I would love a nap.

      Dec 24, 2008 at 11:55 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #27.7   Sirius bang

      Actually, the comments about Ms. Pan and little Helmet Boy are amusing to me, but then, I am easily amused. I even chuckled a little at the fact that you wrote dirisive & desparaging when you presumably meant derisive & disparaging.

      P.S. “that candy cane was fucking delicious”: now that’s bringin’ the funny!

      P.P.S It is admirable that you stuck up for your mom; sorry for any feelings of confusion you may be experiencing

      Dec 24, 2008 at 1:42 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #27.8   Canthz_B bang

      Andipandi, please don’t try to spell irreverent, but feel free to look up its meaning in relation to humor. 8-)

      Dec 24, 2008 at 1:58 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

  • #28   Stuffin

    “I ate too much plastic candy.”

    Dec 23, 2008 at 10:41 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #29   you suck at craigslist

    Z or S in “vandalize”, dude. Pick one when you write the word again.

    You picked poorly.

    Dec 23, 2008 at 11:46 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #29.1   Ida_Knowe

      Wow, I’d just ass”U”med the PAN writer was female, cause no man wants to admit his kid is dazed and confused or sad for that matter.
      Ya’ll know what happens when we assume….tisc…tisc…

      Dec 23, 2008 at 12:25 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #29.2   Goldie

      29.1, true, real men don’t talk to their kids, so have no way of finding out if the kid is dazed or confused or whatever. Kids are a woman’s job, dont’cha know? So yeah, agreed, definitely female.

      Dec 23, 2008 at 1:21 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

    • #29.3   Juliet

      A ‘real man’ would just threaten to kick the ass of the thief the next time they tried to steal something, or shoot them for trespassing. This type of man would just sit outside drinking beer and waiting for the next theft than write a Catholic-guilt note about it.

      Dec 23, 2008 at 1:50 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #29.4   aaa

      Speaking of kids being a woman’s job, I’m 20 and haven’t squeezed out any offspring yet. I am so damn behind. I should’ve at least had two kids by now. :c But it’s hard to find good breeding stock that isn’t put off by my continuing education and appreciation of gay porn.

      Dec 23, 2008 at 1:56 pm   rating: 1  small thumbs up

  • #30   aaa

    Soooo, their kid is retarded and we should all feel bad?

    Dec 23, 2008 at 12:36 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #31   bean

    Look, it’s a three eyed hairy monster, and it is not amused.

    Seriously, what’s with the waves and the spikes?!

    Dec 24, 2008 at 12:18 am   rating: 0  small thumbs up

  • #32   Nylund

    Please never use the abbreviation “San Fran” again. Most of us locals find it a particularly horrid nickname. Same goes for Frisco, unless you happen to be singing “(Sittin’ on) the Dock of the Bay” by Otis Redding. Then and only then, is it ok.

    Have a nice day!

    Jan 9, 2009 at 5:40 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up

    • #32.1   Sirius bang

      You may have SanFran picked the wrong Frisco site to get all uptight about SanFran your least Frisco favorite city nickname. HowFriscoEver, I’m sure you will SanFran receive due Frisco consideration for your SanFeelingsFran.


      Jan 9, 2009 at 6:44 pm   rating: 2  small thumbs up

  • #33   Providing a “friendly holiday spirit” |

    [...] Who stole and vandalized a candy cane? Who stole the baby Jesus?? [...]

    Dec 13, 2010 at 6:23 pm   rating: 0  small thumbs up


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